30: A Time To Act
Chapter 30 of 47
Fawkes_07The rather unexpected and overwhelming events of late force Severus into some deep introspection.
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After an extensive explanation that rang uncomfortably close to truth, Snape managed to gently eject the younger Malfoy from his office. He immediately flopped onto the divan and rested his head in his hands. A monastic life for sixteen years, and suddenly I'm knee deep in willing flesh. The truly mindboggling part was, of course, that though he hadn't particularly desired any of the latest offerings, he couldn't so much as speak to the one woman he wanted.
He sighed out loud, miserable. Snape knew how the rest of the term would go. He would bring fresh potions up to the hospital wing daily. He would go through the motions of teaching his remaining classes in a perfectly convincing manner. He would send reassuring owls to Narcissa in her time of shock and despair. He would deliver gifts to the centaura. He would antagonize The Little Prat as much as circumstances allowed, but he would not mention Sirius Black. He would develop a new and awkward intimacy with Draco in which he would mention Black constantly. He would speak at length with Albus, and with the Dark Lord, and do his best to optimize the results of this most recent coup. In short, he would do all that was required of a professor, a Potions Master, a Death Eater, a spy, a double agent, a paramour, a friend. But never once would he pass beyond the doors of the hospital wing, nor even inquire about Hermione's condition.
I am so many things for so many people, but I cannot not be myself for her.
Upon her release from the hospital wing, Hermione immediately went outside for some fresh air. She'd been cooped up far too long, they all said, and she agreed wholeheartedly. The sunlight was balm upon her skin, and the warm summer breezes were kisses from the Earth. She'd spent a lot of time with Harry during her convalescence, and considerably more with Ron, and though she loved them both dearly, it was a relief just to get away from them. Harry was being kind but withdrawn, and turned aside all of her attempts to talk about Sirius. And Ron was being, well, Ron, which he was certainly very good at, but too much of a good thing can become tiresome.
Hermione walked all the way around the lake, just to prove to herself that she was completely healed. Madam Pomfrey had been quite certain, but Madam Pomfrey wasn't the one who'd had her insides split open by Anton Dolohov. At first, her every step was hesitant and cautious, as she waited anxiously for some telltale twinge to reveal that something was still broken. But the further she went, the more confident she felt, and it was almost a relief when she finally stumbled over a dead branch and none of her insides fell apart. At that point, Hermione laughed to herself and knew she'd had enough sunshine. It was time to head down to the dungeons.
He answered her knock by shouting, "Come!" from behind his desk, which forced her to pause a moment to recover from an acute case of the giggles. As she lifted the latch, her heart actually fluttered. It felt like months since she'd last seen him--the brief encounters during O.W.L.s and in Umbridge's office certainly didn't count.
He was framed by stacks of rolled parchment, quill in hand, as always. She closed the door and threw the bolt, then dashed across the room. The silly suspicious git didn't even get up from his chair; he looked paralyzed with indecision, as though he wasn't sure if she was running to embrace him or to club him over the head. She would have soared into his lap, but he apparently got a clue at the last second and leapt to his feet.
She felt his mouth form her name against the side of her head, but he made no sound. "Severus," she whispered back, smiling. He was holding her so delicately, as though she were made of glass, undoubtedly afraid of injuring her again. Silly. She squeezed his rib cage as hard as she could, just to show him she was not frail nor weak, but his hands remained cautiously hovering on her robes.
"You can hold me, you know. I'm not broken," she said, nuzzling between his chin and the collar of his shirt. A drop of water splashed onto the side of her face, which made her glance upward with dread; Merlin only knew what might be leaking through the ceiling of the dungeon.
"Oh, my God," she said, observing the glistening track of the teardrop on his face.
She put her hands inside his robe and pulled him as close as she could. Poor sweet Severus. How you must hurt, to let it show on the outside. He gave no other sign of crying--not a sound, not even an irregular breath, but he couldn't hold the tears back. "Severus. We're all right. Everything's all right. I missed you, too. But all's well again." As he had done for her in the past, she began turning her body to rock him, uncertain exactly what was so painful for him.
"I can't do that again, Hermione," he finally said, his voice weak and gravelly.
"Do what?"
"I now understand your distress when I disappeared for the spring holiday," he began, clearing his throat. "This whole time... even though I knew you were here, and most likely safe... All I wanted to do was go to you, to look at you, hold you..."
"You can hold me now, Severus, I'm fine. I'm all healed, really! It's all right." He encircled her with his long arms, seeming to set aside some of his caution, but still holding back his strength. Again, she rocked him comfortingly, her fingertips subtly exploring the muscles of his shoulder blades. Mother of Merlin, he has a wicked body hidden under all these clothes.
As she expected, he composed himself fairly quickly and finally straightened up, taking her by the hand. "Come sit with me," he said, leading her to the divan. A rabble of butterflies launched in her stomach in anticipation, and she chided herself internally. Don't get your hopes up, you know how uptight he is. Tears or no, he probably only wants to talk. Ever since That Night, Hermione had been dying to get him alone and thank him properly for... well, for everything.
Sure enough, he scooted back against the armrest as he sat down, putting one knee up onto the seat. Oh, well. She did the same, facing him across the divan, but she held onto his hand very gently so he would not withdraw it. He moistened his lips as he looked down at their hands together. Oh, Severus, you talk too damn much. Can't we just snog, even a little?
"Hermione, there is something I must do."
His tone was serious and intense. Ugh, so much for snogging. She settled back against her own armrest in resignation. "I'm listening, Severus." He raised his hand in a request for silence, and she bit back her impatience. At last he set his jaw and looked up at her.
"I've had enough of this, Hermione. All of it. Lies, subterfuge, espionage, counterespionage; I've had enough."
This is bad. "Severus..."
"Don't speak. Listen. I'm quite serious, Hermione. In the past week, I've played more roles than the entire Royal Academy of Drama. You were hurt by a man I despise, yet I must cooperate with him as though we were true brothers-in-arms. Another man whom I despised was killed, and I find myself wrought with grief that I cannot express. There was a time I never expected to reach my twentieth year, but now thirty-six seems far too young to die. And just days ago, the Dark Lord confessed his intent to murder me. I only escaped through extreme actions and incredibly great luck." Severus turned his head a moment, wincing. Hermione's eyes widened at his display of regret. He must have done something truly terrible.
Severus continued. "A friend whose purposes are not so different from my own is now in Azkaban, where he will suffer wretchedly. I have comforted his family such as I am able, to give him hope that they are still protected. But the only one I wanted to comfort was you, Hermione. The only thing I wanted to do. And it was forbidden."
Without warning, he leapt from the divan and paced to the other side of the room. "I will not live this way any longer. I mean to end it all, Hermione." He turned to face her again, his eyes flashing. "Today."
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Latest 25 Reviews for Fair Exchanges
909 Reviews | 6.76/10 Average
I've warned you that i will continue to harrass you about finishing this story until my dying day. And i always keep my word. Hope you are still around, that all is well for you, and that this story remains on your eternal to do list.
Response from Fawkes_07 (Author of Fair Exchanges)
Sigh. It is. It really is. I need a time machine.
Hello again! I don't know if you are even still around, but reading the rest of this story is on my bucket list, so while I still have breath in me, I shall continue to nudge you toward writing. Hope all is well with you and yours.
SPOILER Warning******In case someone has gone this many years without getting through the last book in the series****************************I hope this new turn in their relationship keeps her from wishing she could just hold hands with someone and walk around the lake. She's had a man now. I can't imagine, at least I hope she doesn't go back to boys. What are you going to do about the Ron thing? She can't go with Ron now. It would would be too mean to Severus! I hope she understands when Albus is killed. Poor Severus! There. Again I'm saying it! I don't mind his sacrifices if I know he will be rewarded with the love he deserves for what he has had to pay to rid the world of Tom Riddle. I hope you work this out so that he doesn't suffer at the end and you'd better not kill him off like the witch who kills small beloved pets like owls, and sweet dear magical creatures like house elves protecting their loved one, cruelly rends twins assunder with one on this side alone without his other half and the other one on the opposite side of the vale tellikng jokes without punch lines! Please tell me you will not follow that part of cannon. You are already forcing Severus to do things I don't know if Hermione can forgive him for. She must forgive him though.When are you going to work on this story some more? Do you know? Are you planing to finish this story or did the last cannon book kill your joy when she killed off our Potions Master in an incredibly un-Severus Snap like end. ....As if the Potions Master of all masters wouldn't have antivenin.
Response from Fawkes_07 (Author of Fair Exchanges)
You know, it's funny... DH actually kind of DID kill off a lot of my motivation to keep writing fanfic, even though I never really thought of it that way until just now. I wrote my own Book 7 for my kids--HP and the Heirs of Slytherin, it's here on TPP--starting in about 2006, just because I KNEW JKR was going to blow it. I just knew I wouldn't like her book 7. A lot of these fics kind of spun off during the process of writing HoS, including Fair Exchanges. HoS has a lot of legilimency/occlumency in it, and Hermione asks Harry not to look at her dreams. That sparked this story... Anyway, once I finished HoS, I kinda moved on to other projects and my unfinished fics have been sort of waiting on the vine for me. I know how they all end, and some of them are just a few chapters from complete. But part of the trouble with Fair Exchanges is that I hate DH so much I have no desire to read it carefully enough to make Fair Ex canon-compliant. It can't even be HoS compliant, because my alt. universe has even more trouble ahead for Snape. If it's any comfort, though, the last two chapters of this story were written LONG ago, and it wraps up the story in a way I really liked. I posted them on some other ff sites, if you want to go hunting for them. I kept them off TPP, though, because I wanted to post the whole thing properly here.
She is being a normal girl, unfortunately for Severus. Severus Snape requires a remarkable woman. Strong, forgiving, able to make her own happiness most of the time and able to consistantly see past the Death Eater Double Spy. He needssomeone who wants him especially because he isn't like any other man on earth. And he needs someone older than Hermione. I would be thinking just exactly what she is thinking. He is looking for a life time commitment. She just isn't there yet. I don't se how this can end well for either of them unless you figure out a way to turn cannon around soon. I hate the way things turned out in the cannon. She ruined everything! I can't stand it. I hope you can salvage this back story so that it comes out much better than the original. Severus deserves better. I hate feeling sorry for Snape, damn it! I want him to show them all. I want him to end up with the best end of any stick.
Poor Severus. I wish she'd run off to Polynesia with him. I hope she's worth it in the end. She has no real idea what he faces here. They are living in the moment when they see each other. He knows more about her than she knows about him. There is so much more to him than there is to Hermione at this point in her life. How old is she, 15 or 16? Well, at least he can have someone pure. I hope she never asks about his other lovers. I don't think she is ready for the answer. I'm not sure I'd be ready for the Centaura. And we know that in his youth he willingly committed rape in this story, though he reqrets it now. I don't know that Hermione could really handle that knowledge. She might be able to handle the idea that he had possibly been forced to do it, but not with certainty that he had ever willingly done it. He's so screwed is she ever finds out all the things he has to do, unless she is a very unusual individual and not very judgemental. I hope for his sake she is as remarkable as he thinks she is.
Hello! I think Draco just passed out! What do you do with this lie. How to explain that 2 men who appeared to absolutely despise one another were lovers on the low down. Would Draco even fall for that? I don't think he has been present at the OP meetings to observed the apparent mutual hatred. Draco doesn't know how much the murrauders stalked and abused poor Severus. Maybe he'll fall fore it. Poor boy wil be manipulated by the Uncle he trustes. That must taste like shit to Severus.
And Hermione can't know about Draco! She would not understand.
Severus Snape is the most adept spie of all the world if he pulls this off. He must feel like he can never get clean from lying regulary to those few who trust him, beastiality, cheeting on his overly homornal girlfriend that he shouldn't be with, but amazingly they actually love each other and trust each other. Now, add buggery in order to manipulate his godson. He must keep Hermione and Draco apart. And what would the dark lord or Albus Dumblebutt have to say about all of this distasteful activity. Dude, when this is all over you are going to need some serious counceling!
OK. What should he do now? I say, let the twirp kiss you so that you can get on his good side and find out his secrets. Hey! It's a dog eat dog world out there right now. Just hope that Hermione doens't find out you cheated on her with 4 Centaras and her worst enemy at the school and all in the same week. It's a fine edge you tread, poor Severus. I actually feel sorry for you.
Lucky in many ways it seems, our Severus. The Dark Lord needed a laugh. Oooooo, let a name slip in there that starts with an H. So who actually rescued the toad in the forest after all? Make up any answer you like. I had assumed it was Albus. But why he would bother is beyond me. Does Severus have to go back to fetch her?
So! Our dear potions master is hung like a stallion! Well of couse he is! Those naughty girls. It's a good thing Hermione doesn't know. And, isn't he terrified of being caught in the act by the stallions while making love to the mares? I'm sure they would kill him. I'm glad he gets some small reward for his hard work protecting Harry. It really is too bad they didn't kill Umbridge. I know Jkr needs her later in the story. I hope she has permanent damage though.
There's no way that will happen under these circumstances. I don't believe it. Girls need a mood or something to get then started.
Don't worry Hermione, dear. After you've been married for more than 3 decades you actually will grow together down there from lack of use. You see, the little man is victim to depression, high blood pressure, diabetes and sundry medications for said infirmities, but eventually this will only spark a sense of resigned bitterness. Dreams though few and far between will be a welcomed relief. So cry no more dear girl and by the gods grab him while you can! Perhaps in your world magic will make these things not so. If that is the case, get over it you silly girl. He must truly be desperate to put up with this. You all must be. I was quite emotional the first 20 years. It was dreadful! Now I am resigned to the fact that what ever you were fighting about the first 2 years are the same things you will be fighting about in 10 years until eventually you just look at him and shake your head. Put up with it or try to train a new one. Here is the most important thing you will ever know. They cannot be trained. Don't waste your time.
I love, "like a raisin through a guinea pig"! I take it you speak from experience based on your picture of Mr. Flibbert, I believe his name was. One of the things that annoyed the hell out of me in the movie version of TGoF was the hormonal Hermione whining and bitching in her high pitched self righteous girl BS. I think she was pissed off just like in this chapter for the entire movie. I realize it is true to life but it is still annoying. I have two drama queens of my own and it doesn't get better when they grow up. I am grateful for grandsons. They are loud and every game requires growling and yelling and running in the house, not to mention accidentally bumping into each other on purpose etc. but I am looking forward to much less drama as when they reach puberty. I look also look forward to Hermione in this story finishing her O.L.W.S. I'm hyper-sensitive from PTSD after raising two daughters.
Here it is 2014 and still no end in sight. Please finish this, it is too good and to frustrating to stop here,
Response from Fawkes_07 (Author of Fair Exchanges)
Sigh... I know. I really would like to finish it someday. Too many projects, not enough time!
You do know that as long as this story sits unfinished, I am going to pop in periodically and bug you, right? Now I am not pressuring you. I know that real life can be a bitch. All I'm saying is that I probably have a good fifty years left in me, and I am going to continue to encourage you until I take my last breath. Oh, but please don't wait that long as I do want to read the end, lol.
Hi Fawkes_07, I have enjoyed this so much! It is of course beautifully written and plotted. I think you've captured all the characters quite well. The sense of humor in this story is wonderful and was a great surprise. Love the interactions between H and Severus, and also between Severus & Draco. I see that it has been some years since you've updated. Please, please don't abandon this story! Happy writing!
Ah, I remember following this story every week. It's a shame RL got in the way and it's gone 3 years-ish without an update. I hope you're doing well and come back to it some day. Thank you for the wonderful half-fic, for what it's worth :)
What the what?? I followed you over from MNFF to see what I'd missed, holy mess!!!! I LOVE this story, it constantly shocks me!!
Response from Fawkes_07 (Author of Fair Exchanges)
LOL, yeah, MNFF had an issue with the human/centaur thing. Glad you're enjoying it... I hope to finish it someday if I ever get my life back.
wow, this story just gets creepier and creepier, in the most interesting and hilarious way possible. this has to be the best story i have ever read on any fanfiction site. u are an awesome writer; i have never laughed this much at a story. i now see why mnff just couldnt bear it, lol, way too many disturbing things. i just got used to the thought of draco being a sex god in other stories, now u make him gay! bwahahaha, talk about a monkeywrench. im sad snape gave that 16-year-old release to the mares. i wished my girl hermione had gotten a piece of that. now that would have been fun to read and write, im sure, hehe. again, u are brilliant!
Response from Fawkes_07 (Author of Fair Exchanges)
<laughs> Wow, glad you're enjoying it! Yeah, MNFF drew the line at the "bestiality" elements (though they don't seem to mind human/werewolf and human/veela). Eh, whatever.Hadn't thought of the 16-year gap ending with the ponies... I guess this is sort of a tragic story, huh?
More Please!?!?!? I so like how this story is going. Love the HG/SS relationship. I so can not wait for more.
Response from Fawkes_07 (Author of Fair Exchanges)
Sigh... I know. I really do intend to finish it, and the funniest stuff is yet to come. You just would not believe the times I've had the past couple years--broken ribs, my mom passed away, a new nonprofit opened in town and begged me to write their grants... I don't even READ fanfic any more, much less write it. But someday things will settle down.
I tried to read this story when I was 16 years of age, back then I could barely read English (not my first language) and I had to consult the dictionary every 3 minutes or so but I do remember little bits of it... This amazing first chapter for example. It's so well written and so true to the characters. It's a pleasure to be able to read it again.
Response from Fawkes_07 (Author of Fair Exchanges)
Wow! That's so cool! I'm glad you liked it well enough to come back to it! Thanks!
Aww, Snape's going to be a father. *snickers*
Response from Fawkes_07 (Author of Fair Exchanges)
Not after he gets that potion ready...
The age of consent in the UK is 16 not to mention the use of the Time-Turner so she's actually almost two years older than her peers. She could've consented before.
Response from Fawkes_07 (Author of Fair Exchanges)
Hmm, I suppose so. But she used the date to such a fine advantage... had to go with it.
You are a wonderful writer, and I always look forward to reading more of your story. This is byfar my favorite Snape/Hermione fanfic ever. I thank you soooo much for updating! I love love love everything about it! Are you though, planning to go canon and kill him off in the end, or will I have to wait and see? You make my week!
Response from Fawkes_07 (Author of Fair Exchanges)
Heh, well, I don't like to give out spoilers but I'll just say I don't consider DH as part of canon. So that may answer your question...
I went back and reread the last chapter to refresh the story in my brain. It has been a damn long time woman! Come back to the potterverse! We miss you. Im all sorts of confused about H's trouble in potions. Whatever could it be?
Response from Fawkes_07 (Author of Fair Exchanges)
Herms was totally upstaged by Harry in potions that year, on account of Harry having the HBP's potion text. She was pretty po'd about that--but she can't tell Snape or that would ruin Harry's surprise. But I think it's funny that she would be in such a good position to blow Harry's scheme out of the water...
ROFLMAO! Oohhhh noooo. Snape, you silly man. I was afraid something like this would happen. Can wizards and centaur breed with each other?! You really do love torturing Snape. It's a fun kind of torture, though.
Response from Fawkes_07 (Author of Fair Exchanges)
*snerk* It IS fun to torture old Sev. Maybe Voldy thinks so too, I dunno.