10: That Which Does Not Kill Me
Chapter 10 of 47
Fawkes_07Having noticed Miss Granger?s attentions, Snape chooses to take a drastic measure.
ReviewedTo a casual observer, Snape appeared to study the parchment in his hands with great interest, yet in reality, he barely registered that it was even there. He was too busy trying to stave off a growing sense of panic. He'd caught her eye several times in class the day before, and every glance felt like a blow from a sledgehammer. This could not be happening--it must not happen.
The Dark Lord was an expert at manipulation. He understood levers and pulleys--not the mechanical kind, but the type that move hearts, minds, and wills. Miss Granger had never been of interest to the Master. He had a vague notion of a smart female friend who helped Potter with lessons, but once he learned that the two shared no romantic attraction, he'd dismissed her out of hand. He wanted a lever with real teeth to apply against Potter.
But Lord Voldemort had always searched for someone, something, anything at all that Snape loved too much to sacrifice. It made the Dark Lord uneasy to have a free agent in the midst of his forces, someone with no wife or child or lover that could be used to assure that all orders would be followed.
Snape had never once let slip anything about Lily, and was still haunted occasionally by the notion that had the Master known about her, she might still be alive. He always forced himself at those moments to recall that if the Master had known about Lily, she was better off just as she was. It had been relatively easy to keep her concealed within his mind; he kept only a handful of secrets from the Dark Lord back in those days. And because she'd neither known of his attraction nor returned it, the Master never located any hook in her mind.
But Hermione... Heavens above! Malfoy, Crabbe, Goyle--any of them could have seen her glancing at him in the classroom. They had only to mention that fact to their fathers, even casually, and Hermione would quickly become one of the Master's top priorities. If she were captured and interrogated, he would split her mind open as easily as seasoned firewood. He would find her memories, and he would know. He would have the lever he'd been seeking for nearly twenty years.
Hermione teetered on the brink of the very danger that she'd studied Occlumency to avoid. And for once, it wasn't Potter that had dragged her into it. It was Snape himself.
She didn't know how to protect herself from the Dark Lord.
But he knew.
* * * * *
"Legilimens." Snape plunged into her consciousness without his usual delicacy, quickly pilfering through deep memories, searching for specific content. There was Draco hexing her front teeth until they were as long as tusks, and he himself claiming to see no difference. Lupin and Black inside the Shrieking Shack; she had just begun to understand the truth of Pettigrew's crimes and Black's innocence when he appeared and nearly turned both of them over to the dementors. She was under the stadium during a Quidditch game, setting his robe on fire in the belief that he was trying to hex Potter's broom. He dragged up everything he could find in which he'd hurt or angered her, and there was certainly plenty of material to choose from.
Releasing her, Snape sat back in his chair with an unconcerned expression. "Do you enjoy reviewing those memories with me, Miss Granger?"
Her face was unreadable. "Not particularly," she finally mumbled in a shaky voice.
"Perhaps you ought to try to stop me."
"I am trying! It's like trying to stop the wind! There's nothing to push against--"
"Excuses!" he spat. "What are you, Granger, if not a living mind? Defend yourself for once. Use your will! Legilimens!"
Viktor Krum, giving her that first kiss. Snape could feel her indignation at the intrusion, so he deliberately went over the memory several more times. He found one of Viktor's letters, written on coarse parchment in a sharp script that belied the tender message it bore. Good grief, he'd really fallen for her. Who would have guessed a musclehead from Durmstrang could write so elegantly?
"And how did he make you feel, Granger?" He pulled back just far enough so that he could speak and she could hear, then sprang again inside her thoughts, tracing along the thread of memory like a spider devouring its tattered web. Her delight at being noticed at all was flavored with a delicious tartness that this was no ordinary schoolboy. The Champion of Durmstrang and a famous Quidditch player, and he'd fancied her when he could have chosen any of the prettiest or most popular girls in the school--or anywhere else, for that matter.
She'd been merely flattered at first to have caught the eye of a celebrity, but it quickly evolved beyond that. What Viktor liked most about her were the exact same traits that usually drove boys away. He wasn't put off by her intelligence. He didn't try to compete with her. He didn't complain that she studied all the time. He even understood her jokes! She had lain awake many nights marveling that such a man could even exist, someone who enjoyed her just because she was Hermione Granger.
Snape began to see the overlapping tendrils of a separate memory that shared certain elements with this one. If his theory was correct, then he'd find himself at the other end of it; this would be the very thread that the Dark Lord must never see. And if he was wrong... If he was wrong, he would be very hard pressed to disprove the nagging fear imposed upon him by his parents: that he was a creature so unworthy, so fundamentally flawed, that no woman could ever love him. Either way, he had to know, and either way, he dreaded to find out.
He summoned all the courage he had and leapt into the memory.
Snape reached across the desk and yanked her wand out of her hand, casting it to the floor behind him. "How interesting, Granger," he began coldly, walking slowly and deliberately around the desk. "I finally understand your game." He caught her wrists in his hands and stepped close, too close. Her eyes were wide, her mouth forming a stunned little "o" as she caught her breath.
He pinned her arms against her sides. "You've been throwing your mind open to me deliberately, haven't you? Don't lie to me. I saw it all!" he lashed fiercely as she sputtered in protest. "I was foolish not to see it all along. 'Come into my thoughts, and then I'll come into your bedroom, won't that be a fair trade?' Nothing short of pathetic; you're so desperate for attention that you whore out your own mind to attract it."
He stepped forward, putting his foot between her knees and driving his thigh between hers. "Well, you have my attention now, Granger. You didn't need to play all these games, or waste all these hours. You could simply have asked. You're pretty enough, I'd have you." Pulling her hands into the small of her back, his voice dropped to a contemptuous hiss as he pressed her against his body. "Tell me, Granger, do you hide your dreams because you fuck me every night in your sleep?"
The unprecedented vulgarity broke her shock and disbelief; she began to struggle soundlessly, wasting no energy on words, only escape. "Oh, Granger," he breathed mockingly into her ear, "more charades? I know what you want, little slut. There's no need to put on a token show of virtue. Or have you realized that I like a girl to fight me?"
Snape took both of her wrists into one hand and fumbled around on his desk for his wand. With a flick of it, he conjured a thin cord that wound itself around her forearms. Once she was bound, he leaned back, appraising her with a cruel smile and curling his fingers under either side of her collar.
He ripped her robe open with such force that she was lifted off the ground.
Snape could see it in her eyes; mere defiance was replaced by desperate horror, the indignant rage by a primal instinct for self-preservation. He sneered, pulling her head back by her long, thick hair as he reached into the front of his robes with his other hand. He was ready; he took hold of the waistband of her woolen tights and yanked downward--
--a sensation of falling through darkness--
Snape regarded her through half-lidded eyes from his seat across the desk. "Congratulations, Miss Granger," he said in a low, listless voice. "You have just performed Occlumency."
She leapt up from her chair, panting. She threw her arms before her, staring at them in shock as she found her wrists unbound, her wand still in her right hand. With the left, she suddenly clutched the front of her robe, patting it in disbelief as she realized it was still intact. "You!" she said with revulsion, then blinked and shook her head as she began to comprehend. "You... That was all..."
He set his elbow on the desk and slowly rested his chin in his hand. "All in your mind, Miss Granger," he said, watching the tip of his wand as he let it arc downward to clatter noisily against a stack of parchment.
"You bastard," she hissed.
Snape raised his brows thoughtfully, but kept his gaze on his wand, rolling it between his fingertips. "I don't deny it, young lady," he said softly. "But my hands are clean, and I stayed out of your dreams."
She stood for another moment, flexing her fingers into fists, too vexed to speak. Then she picked up a leaded glass paperweight on his desk and hurled it at him, turning to run from his office. He caught it before it crushed his heart.
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Latest 25 Reviews for Fair Exchanges
909 Reviews | 6.76/10 Average
I've warned you that i will continue to harrass you about finishing this story until my dying day. And i always keep my word. Hope you are still around, that all is well for you, and that this story remains on your eternal to do list.
Response from Fawkes_07 (Author of Fair Exchanges)
Sigh. It is. It really is. I need a time machine.
Hello again! I don't know if you are even still around, but reading the rest of this story is on my bucket list, so while I still have breath in me, I shall continue to nudge you toward writing. Hope all is well with you and yours.
SPOILER Warning******In case someone has gone this many years without getting through the last book in the series****************************I hope this new turn in their relationship keeps her from wishing she could just hold hands with someone and walk around the lake. She's had a man now. I can't imagine, at least I hope she doesn't go back to boys. What are you going to do about the Ron thing? She can't go with Ron now. It would would be too mean to Severus! I hope she understands when Albus is killed. Poor Severus! There. Again I'm saying it! I don't mind his sacrifices if I know he will be rewarded with the love he deserves for what he has had to pay to rid the world of Tom Riddle. I hope you work this out so that he doesn't suffer at the end and you'd better not kill him off like the witch who kills small beloved pets like owls, and sweet dear magical creatures like house elves protecting their loved one, cruelly rends twins assunder with one on this side alone without his other half and the other one on the opposite side of the vale tellikng jokes without punch lines! Please tell me you will not follow that part of cannon. You are already forcing Severus to do things I don't know if Hermione can forgive him for. She must forgive him though.When are you going to work on this story some more? Do you know? Are you planing to finish this story or did the last cannon book kill your joy when she killed off our Potions Master in an incredibly un-Severus Snap like end. ....As if the Potions Master of all masters wouldn't have antivenin.
Response from Fawkes_07 (Author of Fair Exchanges)
You know, it's funny... DH actually kind of DID kill off a lot of my motivation to keep writing fanfic, even though I never really thought of it that way until just now. I wrote my own Book 7 for my kids--HP and the Heirs of Slytherin, it's here on TPP--starting in about 2006, just because I KNEW JKR was going to blow it. I just knew I wouldn't like her book 7. A lot of these fics kind of spun off during the process of writing HoS, including Fair Exchanges. HoS has a lot of legilimency/occlumency in it, and Hermione asks Harry not to look at her dreams. That sparked this story... Anyway, once I finished HoS, I kinda moved on to other projects and my unfinished fics have been sort of waiting on the vine for me. I know how they all end, and some of them are just a few chapters from complete. But part of the trouble with Fair Exchanges is that I hate DH so much I have no desire to read it carefully enough to make Fair Ex canon-compliant. It can't even be HoS compliant, because my alt. universe has even more trouble ahead for Snape. If it's any comfort, though, the last two chapters of this story were written LONG ago, and it wraps up the story in a way I really liked. I posted them on some other ff sites, if you want to go hunting for them. I kept them off TPP, though, because I wanted to post the whole thing properly here.
She is being a normal girl, unfortunately for Severus. Severus Snape requires a remarkable woman. Strong, forgiving, able to make her own happiness most of the time and able to consistantly see past the Death Eater Double Spy. He needssomeone who wants him especially because he isn't like any other man on earth. And he needs someone older than Hermione. I would be thinking just exactly what she is thinking. He is looking for a life time commitment. She just isn't there yet. I don't se how this can end well for either of them unless you figure out a way to turn cannon around soon. I hate the way things turned out in the cannon. She ruined everything! I can't stand it. I hope you can salvage this back story so that it comes out much better than the original. Severus deserves better. I hate feeling sorry for Snape, damn it! I want him to show them all. I want him to end up with the best end of any stick.
Poor Severus. I wish she'd run off to Polynesia with him. I hope she's worth it in the end. She has no real idea what he faces here. They are living in the moment when they see each other. He knows more about her than she knows about him. There is so much more to him than there is to Hermione at this point in her life. How old is she, 15 or 16? Well, at least he can have someone pure. I hope she never asks about his other lovers. I don't think she is ready for the answer. I'm not sure I'd be ready for the Centaura. And we know that in his youth he willingly committed rape in this story, though he reqrets it now. I don't know that Hermione could really handle that knowledge. She might be able to handle the idea that he had possibly been forced to do it, but not with certainty that he had ever willingly done it. He's so screwed is she ever finds out all the things he has to do, unless she is a very unusual individual and not very judgemental. I hope for his sake she is as remarkable as he thinks she is.
Hello! I think Draco just passed out! What do you do with this lie. How to explain that 2 men who appeared to absolutely despise one another were lovers on the low down. Would Draco even fall for that? I don't think he has been present at the OP meetings to observed the apparent mutual hatred. Draco doesn't know how much the murrauders stalked and abused poor Severus. Maybe he'll fall fore it. Poor boy wil be manipulated by the Uncle he trustes. That must taste like shit to Severus.
And Hermione can't know about Draco! She would not understand.
Severus Snape is the most adept spie of all the world if he pulls this off. He must feel like he can never get clean from lying regulary to those few who trust him, beastiality, cheeting on his overly homornal girlfriend that he shouldn't be with, but amazingly they actually love each other and trust each other. Now, add buggery in order to manipulate his godson. He must keep Hermione and Draco apart. And what would the dark lord or Albus Dumblebutt have to say about all of this distasteful activity. Dude, when this is all over you are going to need some serious counceling!
OK. What should he do now? I say, let the twirp kiss you so that you can get on his good side and find out his secrets. Hey! It's a dog eat dog world out there right now. Just hope that Hermione doens't find out you cheated on her with 4 Centaras and her worst enemy at the school and all in the same week. It's a fine edge you tread, poor Severus. I actually feel sorry for you.
Lucky in many ways it seems, our Severus. The Dark Lord needed a laugh. Oooooo, let a name slip in there that starts with an H. So who actually rescued the toad in the forest after all? Make up any answer you like. I had assumed it was Albus. But why he would bother is beyond me. Does Severus have to go back to fetch her?
So! Our dear potions master is hung like a stallion! Well of couse he is! Those naughty girls. It's a good thing Hermione doesn't know. And, isn't he terrified of being caught in the act by the stallions while making love to the mares? I'm sure they would kill him. I'm glad he gets some small reward for his hard work protecting Harry. It really is too bad they didn't kill Umbridge. I know Jkr needs her later in the story. I hope she has permanent damage though.
There's no way that will happen under these circumstances. I don't believe it. Girls need a mood or something to get then started.
Don't worry Hermione, dear. After you've been married for more than 3 decades you actually will grow together down there from lack of use. You see, the little man is victim to depression, high blood pressure, diabetes and sundry medications for said infirmities, but eventually this will only spark a sense of resigned bitterness. Dreams though few and far between will be a welcomed relief. So cry no more dear girl and by the gods grab him while you can! Perhaps in your world magic will make these things not so. If that is the case, get over it you silly girl. He must truly be desperate to put up with this. You all must be. I was quite emotional the first 20 years. It was dreadful! Now I am resigned to the fact that what ever you were fighting about the first 2 years are the same things you will be fighting about in 10 years until eventually you just look at him and shake your head. Put up with it or try to train a new one. Here is the most important thing you will ever know. They cannot be trained. Don't waste your time.
I love, "like a raisin through a guinea pig"! I take it you speak from experience based on your picture of Mr. Flibbert, I believe his name was. One of the things that annoyed the hell out of me in the movie version of TGoF was the hormonal Hermione whining and bitching in her high pitched self righteous girl BS. I think she was pissed off just like in this chapter for the entire movie. I realize it is true to life but it is still annoying. I have two drama queens of my own and it doesn't get better when they grow up. I am grateful for grandsons. They are loud and every game requires growling and yelling and running in the house, not to mention accidentally bumping into each other on purpose etc. but I am looking forward to much less drama as when they reach puberty. I look also look forward to Hermione in this story finishing her O.L.W.S. I'm hyper-sensitive from PTSD after raising two daughters.
Here it is 2014 and still no end in sight. Please finish this, it is too good and to frustrating to stop here,
Response from Fawkes_07 (Author of Fair Exchanges)
Sigh... I know. I really would like to finish it someday. Too many projects, not enough time!
You do know that as long as this story sits unfinished, I am going to pop in periodically and bug you, right? Now I am not pressuring you. I know that real life can be a bitch. All I'm saying is that I probably have a good fifty years left in me, and I am going to continue to encourage you until I take my last breath. Oh, but please don't wait that long as I do want to read the end, lol.
Hi Fawkes_07, I have enjoyed this so much! It is of course beautifully written and plotted. I think you've captured all the characters quite well. The sense of humor in this story is wonderful and was a great surprise. Love the interactions between H and Severus, and also between Severus & Draco. I see that it has been some years since you've updated. Please, please don't abandon this story! Happy writing!
Ah, I remember following this story every week. It's a shame RL got in the way and it's gone 3 years-ish without an update. I hope you're doing well and come back to it some day. Thank you for the wonderful half-fic, for what it's worth :)
What the what?? I followed you over from MNFF to see what I'd missed, holy mess!!!! I LOVE this story, it constantly shocks me!!
Response from Fawkes_07 (Author of Fair Exchanges)
LOL, yeah, MNFF had an issue with the human/centaur thing. Glad you're enjoying it... I hope to finish it someday if I ever get my life back.
wow, this story just gets creepier and creepier, in the most interesting and hilarious way possible. this has to be the best story i have ever read on any fanfiction site. u are an awesome writer; i have never laughed this much at a story. i now see why mnff just couldnt bear it, lol, way too many disturbing things. i just got used to the thought of draco being a sex god in other stories, now u make him gay! bwahahaha, talk about a monkeywrench. im sad snape gave that 16-year-old release to the mares. i wished my girl hermione had gotten a piece of that. now that would have been fun to read and write, im sure, hehe. again, u are brilliant!
Response from Fawkes_07 (Author of Fair Exchanges)
<laughs> Wow, glad you're enjoying it! Yeah, MNFF drew the line at the "bestiality" elements (though they don't seem to mind human/werewolf and human/veela). Eh, whatever.Hadn't thought of the 16-year gap ending with the ponies... I guess this is sort of a tragic story, huh?
More Please!?!?!? I so like how this story is going. Love the HG/SS relationship. I so can not wait for more.
Response from Fawkes_07 (Author of Fair Exchanges)
Sigh... I know. I really do intend to finish it, and the funniest stuff is yet to come. You just would not believe the times I've had the past couple years--broken ribs, my mom passed away, a new nonprofit opened in town and begged me to write their grants... I don't even READ fanfic any more, much less write it. But someday things will settle down.
I tried to read this story when I was 16 years of age, back then I could barely read English (not my first language) and I had to consult the dictionary every 3 minutes or so but I do remember little bits of it... This amazing first chapter for example. It's so well written and so true to the characters. It's a pleasure to be able to read it again.
Response from Fawkes_07 (Author of Fair Exchanges)
Wow! That's so cool! I'm glad you liked it well enough to come back to it! Thanks!
Aww, Snape's going to be a father. *snickers*
Response from Fawkes_07 (Author of Fair Exchanges)
Not after he gets that potion ready...
The age of consent in the UK is 16 not to mention the use of the Time-Turner so she's actually almost two years older than her peers. She could've consented before.
Response from Fawkes_07 (Author of Fair Exchanges)
Hmm, I suppose so. But she used the date to such a fine advantage... had to go with it.
You are a wonderful writer, and I always look forward to reading more of your story. This is byfar my favorite Snape/Hermione fanfic ever. I thank you soooo much for updating! I love love love everything about it! Are you though, planning to go canon and kill him off in the end, or will I have to wait and see? You make my week!
Response from Fawkes_07 (Author of Fair Exchanges)
Heh, well, I don't like to give out spoilers but I'll just say I don't consider DH as part of canon. So that may answer your question...
I went back and reread the last chapter to refresh the story in my brain. It has been a damn long time woman! Come back to the potterverse! We miss you. Im all sorts of confused about H's trouble in potions. Whatever could it be?
Response from Fawkes_07 (Author of Fair Exchanges)
Herms was totally upstaged by Harry in potions that year, on account of Harry having the HBP's potion text. She was pretty po'd about that--but she can't tell Snape or that would ruin Harry's surprise. But I think it's funny that she would be in such a good position to blow Harry's scheme out of the water...
ROFLMAO! Oohhhh noooo. Snape, you silly man. I was afraid something like this would happen. Can wizards and centaur breed with each other?! You really do love torturing Snape. It's a fun kind of torture, though.
Response from Fawkes_07 (Author of Fair Exchanges)
*snerk* It IS fun to torture old Sev. Maybe Voldy thinks so too, I dunno.