26: Survivor Guilt
Chapter 26 of 47
Fawkes_07Continuing with the Day That Would Not End, Snape finally has a chance to chat with Dumbledore and catch up on all he?s been missing.
ReviewedExhausted and drained, Snape climbed the stone steps of Hogwarts for what felt like the millionth time in the past twenty-four hours. The Dark Lord had released him after a remarkably short time, without torture or reprimand; indeed, he even "granted" Snape a "favor." Wormtail was assigned as his personal servant for the summer, ostensibly to act as a liason between Snape the Master and keep each one appraised of the latest goings-on. In reality, Voldemort was probably sick to death of Pettigrew's whiny presence but was reluctant to kill him. The smarmy little weasel was showcasing that beautiful silver hand, a fine piece of magic on the Master's part.
Snape wanted only to let gravity pull him down into the dungeons, but he knew he must speak to Dumbledore. The seventh floor. Huzzah. He peeked into the Great Hall on the wild chance that the headmaster might be feeling peckish in the mid-afternoon. No such luck.
The headmaster had left his door open, which was most unusual, but he was undoubtedly having plenty of visitors today. For once, Snape did not climb up the moving staircase, but let it carry him to the top at its own leisurely pace.
"Professor Snape." Dumbledore looked as tired and worn as Snape felt, yet his voice was warm and welcoming.
"It is good to have you back, Headmaster." He heard the lower door swing shut behind him.
"Please sit down. I presume you spent most of the night with Tom?"
Snape flopped into the proffered chair. "He finished with me fairly quickly, as I had little to tell him. I have yet to learn what has happened, actually, other than the fact that my best friend is now in Azkaban. And that Potter seems to have bested the Dark Lord in a particularly demoralizing fashion this time."
Dumbledore made Snape give a full report first, starting from Umbridge's hostile takeover of Hogwarts in April. He was not pleased with the cessation of Occlumency lessons, but after hearing that the Prat helped himself to the contents of the Pensieve, the old wizard sighed and slumped wearily in his chair.
"I owe you an apology, Severus. I assumed you stopped the lessons out of lingering hatred and spite. It never occurred to me that Harry had provoked you--violated your privacy."
Snape shrugged indifferently. He knew all along that Potter would snoop; that was why he asked for the Pensieve in the first place. As he continued his report, Dumbledore listened intently, though there were times he seemed about to doze over his steepled fingers. Snape ended with his discovery of Dolores Umbridge in the Forbidden Forest.
"I started to bring her in, but I became distracted." He scratched idly at his left forearm and permitted Dumbledore to draw his own conclusions.
"That would explain the state in which I found her this morning. She must have deeply offended the centaurs; the forest quite rang with their cries of outrage while I searched for her."
Enough of that topic. "Dumbledore--what happened last night?"
"So much, Severus, so much. I hardly know where to begin. You were correct that Tom was goading Harry into a trap, using Sirius Black as the bait. The senior Malfoy and a number of others were waiting for him in the Hall of Prophecy. Harry and his cronies put up an impressive fight before the Order arrived. By the time I got there, Tom himself had stepped in. He nearly got me this time, Severus. Poor Fawkes took a dreadful blow on my behalf." Dumbledore gently pulled a bald, grumpy-looking chick from his breast pocket; the phoenix had indeed seen better days.
"We were not without casualties, Severus. Sirius Black is dead."
For a moment, Snape felt nothing at all, perhaps because his reactions were so many and varied that at first, they cancelled one another out. Surprise, disbelief, an eerie disconcertion at Black's last words, but strangest of all, a lack of any smug satisfaction that the bastard would finally stop tormenting him. Black was my own age... younger, in some ways, robbed of so many years in Azkaban. "By whose hand, Albus?"
Dumbledore squinted, pinching the bridge of his nose. "Bellatrix Lestrange."
"They were blood relatives." Bella sinks deeper into the Dark Arts at every turn. Snape bowed his head out of respect for Albus, but only for a moment. "You must pardon my lack of grief on the occasion."
"I grant you that pardon, Severus, however, I will not be as lenient if you torment young Harry as he mourns his godfather."
Snape felt the weight of the Headmaster's gaze, and averted his eyes in acquiescence. "I may be cold, but I am not a monster, Albus," he said quietly.
Dumbledore closed his eyes again, nodding. "You must forgive me, as well. It has been a terrible night, Severus, and it is easy to think the worst at such times."
"The Dark Lord made the same observation."
After a brief silence, Dumbledore smiled in his warm, crinkly way and stood up. Snape understood that the debriefing was over, and took the Headmaster's arm and let himself be escorted to the door. "I know you are weary, Severus, but there is one more thing I would ask of you before you rest. Would you stop by the hospital wing and make sure Madam Pomfrey's stocks are adequate? There were some Dark injuries last night, and she may need potions."
"Of course, Headmaster. Weasley, I presume?" he said as he stepped onto the moving staircase.
"Indeed. He found his way into the brain tank. But his injuries were minor compared with Miss Granger's."
Nothing showed on Snape's face, he was certain of it, but he was thankful that Dumbledore no longer stood beside him as every inch of his skin turned to ice.
He walked calmly to the staircase, and descended evenly to the third floor. Black was the only death, he repeated with every step. He drew open the double doors to the infirmary without missing a beat. He found Poppy Pomfrey in her little office at the front of the infirmary and inquired about the injuries sustained and whether she had adequate remedies. When Pomfrey couldn't explain exactly how Hermione had been hurt, he berated her with neither more nor less than his usual arrogance, and demanded that she procure a witness to the actual cursing. He grilled Neville Longbottom mercilessly until he ascertained that the culprit was Antonin Dolohov.
Snape knew the spell; Dolohov had developed it from Snape's own Sectumsempra. He reviewed Pomfrey's treatment regimen, corrected it, added seven additional potions (along with twice as many harsh comments about Pomfrey's competence as a Healer), and checked her supply closet. Not once did he look into the infirmary itself.
It was not until he closed and locked the door to his private chamber that Snape fell to his knees, his mouth stretched wide in a silent scream.
He bathed in a numb daze, and even managed to lapse into a fitful sleep for a few hours. When he woke, he forced himself to sit at his desk and grade essays. The Dark Lord had decided to give him another chance, but returning to the fold meant that he would be watched even more carefully. More than ever before, he must appear unperturbed by current events.
A cacophany outside his door resolved at last into the clopping of hooves. It was only Firenze, the Divination professor, though the echoing stones made him sound like a cattle drive. The centaur opened his door without knocking, though he hardly needed to tap on the wood to announce his presence.
"You must come with me now, out to the grounds," Firenze said. Snape sniffed reprovingly, but there was no point in arguing, any more than one could reason with a dog desperately whining to go outside. In both cases, one either complied swiftly or suffered a predictable consequence.
Snape was glad he did not argue for its own sake, for what awaited him was a rare honor. Two centaur children stood at the base of the stone steps--yearlings, he guessed. He knew that every eye in the herd was upon them, and every arrow in the forest was nocked and drawn--though their aim was probably split evenly between himself and Firenze.
The girl could only be Leucothea's child, her coat was pure white, but the boy might belong to any of them. He looked quite sullen, while the girl held her head up proudly and hopped on her forelegs in excitement. She glanced several times at the boy, who stared at the ground with his arms folded until she flicked him hard with her tail. She bounced away from his attempt to punch her on the arm with such familiar ease that Snape wondered if they were brother and sister. The boy glared at her once, then stepped forward and spoke in a bored, perfunctory tone.
"Severus Snape, the centaurs hereby issue... fair warning that..." The boy paused, frowning, until the other hissed, "Your life!" "Your life will be forfeit," the boy continued, "should you step--" "Set!" "--SET foot in the forest." He frowned again as if trying to remember the rest, but finally threw up his arms in disgust and backed away.
The little girl rolled her eyes in pure disdain, then stepped forward and made a charming curtsey. "Severus Snape," she began (lisping her "esses" such that it sounded more like "theveruth thnape"), "the centaura of the Hogsmeade Forest bid you their fondest regards and guarantee your safety in their realm." Now it was the boy's turn to roll his eyes in disgust, until he spied a loose stone on the bottom step and began jiggling it with one hoof. She ignored the boy and beckoned to Snape, who descended the steps compulsively at the wriggle of her finger. He conspicuously placed his hands behind his back, lest one of those archers find an excuse to let fly.
"Mummy said you might make something for my hair that smells like strawberries, if I asked nicely!" she whispered.
"I am your willing servant, young miss," he said. The foal clapped her hands and reared on her hind legs at the same time, clearly overjoyed, then dashed down the stone steps, smacking the boy's rump smartly as she passed him. Both of them raced back to the forest, galloping neck and neck until they disappeared among the trees.
Firenze folded his arms over his chest and eyed him suspiciously, but Snape said nothing. "You have been granted a powerful protection, Snape, but accidents are known to happen," the centaur observed. "I would not push my luck if I were you."
Shrugging, he replied, "Not right away, but I doubt even the collective memory of those stallions can retain a grudge for long." He gave Firenze's equine shoulder a condescending slap as he went inside, just because he could. Whoever was spying on the castle right now had seen him honored by the centaura, thus giving the Dark Lord further proof that Snape's claims were true.
Snape shook his head as he descended the staircase to the laboratory, glad to have a task that would occupy his mind for a few hours. You and your mother saved my life, child. You will be swimming in the scent of strawberries by tomorrow morning.
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Latest 25 Reviews for Fair Exchanges
909 Reviews | 6.76/10 Average
I've warned you that i will continue to harrass you about finishing this story until my dying day. And i always keep my word. Hope you are still around, that all is well for you, and that this story remains on your eternal to do list.
Response from Fawkes_07 (Author of Fair Exchanges)
Sigh. It is. It really is. I need a time machine.
Hello again! I don't know if you are even still around, but reading the rest of this story is on my bucket list, so while I still have breath in me, I shall continue to nudge you toward writing. Hope all is well with you and yours.
SPOILER Warning******In case someone has gone this many years without getting through the last book in the series****************************I hope this new turn in their relationship keeps her from wishing she could just hold hands with someone and walk around the lake. She's had a man now. I can't imagine, at least I hope she doesn't go back to boys. What are you going to do about the Ron thing? She can't go with Ron now. It would would be too mean to Severus! I hope she understands when Albus is killed. Poor Severus! There. Again I'm saying it! I don't mind his sacrifices if I know he will be rewarded with the love he deserves for what he has had to pay to rid the world of Tom Riddle. I hope you work this out so that he doesn't suffer at the end and you'd better not kill him off like the witch who kills small beloved pets like owls, and sweet dear magical creatures like house elves protecting their loved one, cruelly rends twins assunder with one on this side alone without his other half and the other one on the opposite side of the vale tellikng jokes without punch lines! Please tell me you will not follow that part of cannon. You are already forcing Severus to do things I don't know if Hermione can forgive him for. She must forgive him though.When are you going to work on this story some more? Do you know? Are you planing to finish this story or did the last cannon book kill your joy when she killed off our Potions Master in an incredibly un-Severus Snap like end. ....As if the Potions Master of all masters wouldn't have antivenin.
Response from Fawkes_07 (Author of Fair Exchanges)
You know, it's funny... DH actually kind of DID kill off a lot of my motivation to keep writing fanfic, even though I never really thought of it that way until just now. I wrote my own Book 7 for my kids--HP and the Heirs of Slytherin, it's here on TPP--starting in about 2006, just because I KNEW JKR was going to blow it. I just knew I wouldn't like her book 7. A lot of these fics kind of spun off during the process of writing HoS, including Fair Exchanges. HoS has a lot of legilimency/occlumency in it, and Hermione asks Harry not to look at her dreams. That sparked this story... Anyway, once I finished HoS, I kinda moved on to other projects and my unfinished fics have been sort of waiting on the vine for me. I know how they all end, and some of them are just a few chapters from complete. But part of the trouble with Fair Exchanges is that I hate DH so much I have no desire to read it carefully enough to make Fair Ex canon-compliant. It can't even be HoS compliant, because my alt. universe has even more trouble ahead for Snape. If it's any comfort, though, the last two chapters of this story were written LONG ago, and it wraps up the story in a way I really liked. I posted them on some other ff sites, if you want to go hunting for them. I kept them off TPP, though, because I wanted to post the whole thing properly here.
She is being a normal girl, unfortunately for Severus. Severus Snape requires a remarkable woman. Strong, forgiving, able to make her own happiness most of the time and able to consistantly see past the Death Eater Double Spy. He needssomeone who wants him especially because he isn't like any other man on earth. And he needs someone older than Hermione. I would be thinking just exactly what she is thinking. He is looking for a life time commitment. She just isn't there yet. I don't se how this can end well for either of them unless you figure out a way to turn cannon around soon. I hate the way things turned out in the cannon. She ruined everything! I can't stand it. I hope you can salvage this back story so that it comes out much better than the original. Severus deserves better. I hate feeling sorry for Snape, damn it! I want him to show them all. I want him to end up with the best end of any stick.
Poor Severus. I wish she'd run off to Polynesia with him. I hope she's worth it in the end. She has no real idea what he faces here. They are living in the moment when they see each other. He knows more about her than she knows about him. There is so much more to him than there is to Hermione at this point in her life. How old is she, 15 or 16? Well, at least he can have someone pure. I hope she never asks about his other lovers. I don't think she is ready for the answer. I'm not sure I'd be ready for the Centaura. And we know that in his youth he willingly committed rape in this story, though he reqrets it now. I don't know that Hermione could really handle that knowledge. She might be able to handle the idea that he had possibly been forced to do it, but not with certainty that he had ever willingly done it. He's so screwed is she ever finds out all the things he has to do, unless she is a very unusual individual and not very judgemental. I hope for his sake she is as remarkable as he thinks she is.
Hello! I think Draco just passed out! What do you do with this lie. How to explain that 2 men who appeared to absolutely despise one another were lovers on the low down. Would Draco even fall for that? I don't think he has been present at the OP meetings to observed the apparent mutual hatred. Draco doesn't know how much the murrauders stalked and abused poor Severus. Maybe he'll fall fore it. Poor boy wil be manipulated by the Uncle he trustes. That must taste like shit to Severus.
And Hermione can't know about Draco! She would not understand.
Severus Snape is the most adept spie of all the world if he pulls this off. He must feel like he can never get clean from lying regulary to those few who trust him, beastiality, cheeting on his overly homornal girlfriend that he shouldn't be with, but amazingly they actually love each other and trust each other. Now, add buggery in order to manipulate his godson. He must keep Hermione and Draco apart. And what would the dark lord or Albus Dumblebutt have to say about all of this distasteful activity. Dude, when this is all over you are going to need some serious counceling!
OK. What should he do now? I say, let the twirp kiss you so that you can get on his good side and find out his secrets. Hey! It's a dog eat dog world out there right now. Just hope that Hermione doens't find out you cheated on her with 4 Centaras and her worst enemy at the school and all in the same week. It's a fine edge you tread, poor Severus. I actually feel sorry for you.
Lucky in many ways it seems, our Severus. The Dark Lord needed a laugh. Oooooo, let a name slip in there that starts with an H. So who actually rescued the toad in the forest after all? Make up any answer you like. I had assumed it was Albus. But why he would bother is beyond me. Does Severus have to go back to fetch her?
So! Our dear potions master is hung like a stallion! Well of couse he is! Those naughty girls. It's a good thing Hermione doesn't know. And, isn't he terrified of being caught in the act by the stallions while making love to the mares? I'm sure they would kill him. I'm glad he gets some small reward for his hard work protecting Harry. It really is too bad they didn't kill Umbridge. I know Jkr needs her later in the story. I hope she has permanent damage though.
There's no way that will happen under these circumstances. I don't believe it. Girls need a mood or something to get then started.
Don't worry Hermione, dear. After you've been married for more than 3 decades you actually will grow together down there from lack of use. You see, the little man is victim to depression, high blood pressure, diabetes and sundry medications for said infirmities, but eventually this will only spark a sense of resigned bitterness. Dreams though few and far between will be a welcomed relief. So cry no more dear girl and by the gods grab him while you can! Perhaps in your world magic will make these things not so. If that is the case, get over it you silly girl. He must truly be desperate to put up with this. You all must be. I was quite emotional the first 20 years. It was dreadful! Now I am resigned to the fact that what ever you were fighting about the first 2 years are the same things you will be fighting about in 10 years until eventually you just look at him and shake your head. Put up with it or try to train a new one. Here is the most important thing you will ever know. They cannot be trained. Don't waste your time.
I love, "like a raisin through a guinea pig"! I take it you speak from experience based on your picture of Mr. Flibbert, I believe his name was. One of the things that annoyed the hell out of me in the movie version of TGoF was the hormonal Hermione whining and bitching in her high pitched self righteous girl BS. I think she was pissed off just like in this chapter for the entire movie. I realize it is true to life but it is still annoying. I have two drama queens of my own and it doesn't get better when they grow up. I am grateful for grandsons. They are loud and every game requires growling and yelling and running in the house, not to mention accidentally bumping into each other on purpose etc. but I am looking forward to much less drama as when they reach puberty. I look also look forward to Hermione in this story finishing her O.L.W.S. I'm hyper-sensitive from PTSD after raising two daughters.
Here it is 2014 and still no end in sight. Please finish this, it is too good and to frustrating to stop here,
Response from Fawkes_07 (Author of Fair Exchanges)
Sigh... I know. I really would like to finish it someday. Too many projects, not enough time!
You do know that as long as this story sits unfinished, I am going to pop in periodically and bug you, right? Now I am not pressuring you. I know that real life can be a bitch. All I'm saying is that I probably have a good fifty years left in me, and I am going to continue to encourage you until I take my last breath. Oh, but please don't wait that long as I do want to read the end, lol.
Hi Fawkes_07, I have enjoyed this so much! It is of course beautifully written and plotted. I think you've captured all the characters quite well. The sense of humor in this story is wonderful and was a great surprise. Love the interactions between H and Severus, and also between Severus & Draco. I see that it has been some years since you've updated. Please, please don't abandon this story! Happy writing!
Ah, I remember following this story every week. It's a shame RL got in the way and it's gone 3 years-ish without an update. I hope you're doing well and come back to it some day. Thank you for the wonderful half-fic, for what it's worth :)
What the what?? I followed you over from MNFF to see what I'd missed, holy mess!!!! I LOVE this story, it constantly shocks me!!
Response from Fawkes_07 (Author of Fair Exchanges)
LOL, yeah, MNFF had an issue with the human/centaur thing. Glad you're enjoying it... I hope to finish it someday if I ever get my life back.
wow, this story just gets creepier and creepier, in the most interesting and hilarious way possible. this has to be the best story i have ever read on any fanfiction site. u are an awesome writer; i have never laughed this much at a story. i now see why mnff just couldnt bear it, lol, way too many disturbing things. i just got used to the thought of draco being a sex god in other stories, now u make him gay! bwahahaha, talk about a monkeywrench. im sad snape gave that 16-year-old release to the mares. i wished my girl hermione had gotten a piece of that. now that would have been fun to read and write, im sure, hehe. again, u are brilliant!
Response from Fawkes_07 (Author of Fair Exchanges)
<laughs> Wow, glad you're enjoying it! Yeah, MNFF drew the line at the "bestiality" elements (though they don't seem to mind human/werewolf and human/veela). Eh, whatever.Hadn't thought of the 16-year gap ending with the ponies... I guess this is sort of a tragic story, huh?
More Please!?!?!? I so like how this story is going. Love the HG/SS relationship. I so can not wait for more.
Response from Fawkes_07 (Author of Fair Exchanges)
Sigh... I know. I really do intend to finish it, and the funniest stuff is yet to come. You just would not believe the times I've had the past couple years--broken ribs, my mom passed away, a new nonprofit opened in town and begged me to write their grants... I don't even READ fanfic any more, much less write it. But someday things will settle down.
I tried to read this story when I was 16 years of age, back then I could barely read English (not my first language) and I had to consult the dictionary every 3 minutes or so but I do remember little bits of it... This amazing first chapter for example. It's so well written and so true to the characters. It's a pleasure to be able to read it again.
Response from Fawkes_07 (Author of Fair Exchanges)
Wow! That's so cool! I'm glad you liked it well enough to come back to it! Thanks!
Aww, Snape's going to be a father. *snickers*
Response from Fawkes_07 (Author of Fair Exchanges)
Not after he gets that potion ready...
The age of consent in the UK is 16 not to mention the use of the Time-Turner so she's actually almost two years older than her peers. She could've consented before.
Response from Fawkes_07 (Author of Fair Exchanges)
Hmm, I suppose so. But she used the date to such a fine advantage... had to go with it.
You are a wonderful writer, and I always look forward to reading more of your story. This is byfar my favorite Snape/Hermione fanfic ever. I thank you soooo much for updating! I love love love everything about it! Are you though, planning to go canon and kill him off in the end, or will I have to wait and see? You make my week!
Response from Fawkes_07 (Author of Fair Exchanges)
Heh, well, I don't like to give out spoilers but I'll just say I don't consider DH as part of canon. So that may answer your question...
I went back and reread the last chapter to refresh the story in my brain. It has been a damn long time woman! Come back to the potterverse! We miss you. Im all sorts of confused about H's trouble in potions. Whatever could it be?
Response from Fawkes_07 (Author of Fair Exchanges)
Herms was totally upstaged by Harry in potions that year, on account of Harry having the HBP's potion text. She was pretty po'd about that--but she can't tell Snape or that would ruin Harry's surprise. But I think it's funny that she would be in such a good position to blow Harry's scheme out of the water...
ROFLMAO! Oohhhh noooo. Snape, you silly man. I was afraid something like this would happen. Can wizards and centaur breed with each other?! You really do love torturing Snape. It's a fun kind of torture, though.
Response from Fawkes_07 (Author of Fair Exchanges)
*snerk* It IS fun to torture old Sev. Maybe Voldy thinks so too, I dunno.