5: The Great Escape
Chapter 5 of 47
Fawkes_07Three little words to strike terror into your very soul:
Snape.
Slash.
Umbridge.
Bit of advice: don?t drink anything as you read this chapter. Seriously. This chapter is the Comic Relief section. One gal said it made iced coffee come out of her nose.
You?ve been warned.
ReviewedSnape refused to indulge himself in the hope that it might be Granger, and this was just as well; he opened the door to reveal Dolores Umbridge in her utterly repulsive pink cardigan. Sometimes he wished doors had never been invented.
"What is it, Professor?" he said coldly, hoping whatever it was could be taken care of entirely in the corridor.
"Why, good evening, Professor Snape," she purred. "May I come in?"
As if I have a choice? "Of course, madam." He stepped back, far back, and made sure that the latch did not quite catch when he closed the door behind her.
She strolled into his office, beady eyes taking in the alembics and vials on his lab bench and the multitude of preserved plants and creatures on the shelves, undoubtedly snooping for contraband. She could look all she wanted; he kept his exceptional ingredients well out of sight. In the meantime, however, she was spreading the stench of cheap perfume throughout his office. "Is there something you need, madam?"
She stopped before a sealed decanter and produced one of her smiles that stopped well below her cheekbones. "Oh, now aren't these interesting! What are they, Professor Snape?"
He narrowed his eyes. "Pickled watermelon rind. I trust that snacking in one's office has not yet been forbidden by Ministry decree."
She giggled without humor. "Oh, Severus, you do go on, don't you?"
"I am not the only one, Professor Umbridge."
Being fully versed in politics, she recognized the chill in the air. Her eyes narrowed slightly. "Well. I suppose you're wondering why I've come to call." He merely folded his arms; there was no point in making things any easier for her. She wrinkled her nose and continued. "I'm developing a little project, Professor, one which I would prefer to be kept under wraps, so to speak. Lucius Malfoy has spoken very highly of you; he believes you are a man who understands discretion."
He continued to glower silently at her, waiting for her to say something relevant.
She took a step closer, smiling coyly. "I see Lucius was right, you are the silent type. Am I to assume I can trust you then, Professor?"
"You may assume whatever you please. I, however, will not commit my confidence until I have some idea of the topic you are so diligently skirting."
She sniffed and returned her attention to the shelves. Mother of Merlin, the woman knew how to drag out a conversation, although a simple "Hello" from her was already tedious enough. There was no point in pushing her, though, she had the entire bloody Ministry behind her and could filibuster all night if she chose. He could suck it up, or play this inane game for hours. He sighed. Anything to get that pink sweater out of his sight.
"Perhaps, Dolores, if you would clarify just what it is you require of me." Well, at least it wasn't the most obsequious thing he'd ever said. Lord Voldemort had to be handled with even softer gloves, but Snape still felt like he'd just licked a toilet seat.
It was worth it, however; she turned around and strolled back to him with a fresh smile, one that acknowledged his concession to her terms of engagement. "Poor Severus. You must forgive me for being so vague. I just have to be sure I can count on you, before including you in any... official business."
How she could use so many words without saying a damn thing was beyond him. Such was the nature of politics. "Of course. It goes without saying that Lucius would not have advised you to seek me out if I were not able to assist you appropriately."
She sighed with feigned contentment. "It's such a pleasure to find someone in this school who can hold a civilized conversation."
"A rarity indeed, Dolores. May I offer you some tea?" Sometimes the slow route was the only way to make progress.
Twenty minutes later, she still hadn't made her point, blathering on instead about the disciplinary issues at Hogwarts and her connections in the Ministry. Snape understood this game as well, though he despised playing it. Bile rose in his throat to protest as he refilled her teacup, but he had put in enough time now; he'd earned the right to apply some pressure. "Dear me, Dolores, look at the time. I have papers yet to mark tonight. Perhaps we could continue this discussion tomorrow."
She sat up straighter. "Goodness gracious, it is getting late! I'm so sorry I've kept you so long, Severus." She dropped a sugar cube into her tea, her spoon tinkling against the china as she stirred. "But I really should discuss my request tonight, you may need to get started on it right away."
Finally! "I am at your disposal."
"I understand that you are not just an academic in regard to Potions, Severus, that you are actually quite skilled in preparing them."
Oh, Lord. That clearly called for modesty. "I suffice, madam."
"Oh, come now, that's not what I hear! Lucius tells me you're a Master."
Lucius was going to get an arse-kicking the next time they opened a bottle of cognac together. "My old friend has suffered more than one embarrassing prank due to my skill at the cauldron. He has undoubtedly confused my greater talent with Mastery."
She twittered, and to his horror, pulled her chair slightly closer to his. Their knees were almost touching. She couldn't possibly be flirting. It was just an attempt to assert her perceived dominance. Surely.
"I never realized you were so funny, Severus. Well, regardless of Lucius's opinion, I wondered if you have the skill to make Veritaserum?"
At last she had come to the point, and it had taken less than an hour. He congratulated himself inwardly. Now it was only a matter of steering her to the door as they coasted.
"Of course I am, although you are undoubtedly aware that its use is tightly controlled by the Ministry?"
She leaned forward conspiratorially, and there was no mistaking the gleam in her eye, she wasn't just conspiring about potions. "Severus, dear, I am the Ministry. I do have the authority to use it as needed on Ministry matters."
Shit, there it was, she'd set her hand on his knee. He had learned years ago, at the icy hands of the Dark Lord, never to flinch, but he intuitively knew she would soon be sliding her hand along his thigh if he didn't react. Glumly, he placed his hand over her stubby fingers; the clear lesser of two evils.
"How much will you require, Dolores?" He was careful to keep his voice at its usual timbre; there was still a good chance of pulling this off in a "friendly" fashion.
She sat back in her chair with a particularly self-satisfied smirk. "Well, now, I suppose that will depend on how strong it is, won't it? At least enough for several good, solid interrogations, perhaps, oh, five or ten people?"
More than the entire Department of Magical Law Enforcement performed in a month. A true professional need not bother with Veritaserum except in the most recalcitrant cases. "Dolores, my goodness, that's a rather tall order. The components are not easily obtained, and making large amounts is trickier than a few drops." He was speaking completely honestly, pondering whether he even had the necessary ingredients in stock. It would take weeks to mature in quantity, for it could not be stirred after a certain point but it had to equilibrate with the air; the surface-to-volume ratio of a large bolus required time for the nitrogen to permeate the entire fluid. Of course, he might be able to spread it out in a flat puddle, but that would never do, the rate of evaporation would--
Snape looked up during his internal reverie to one of the most horrible sights he had ever seen. Umbridge had taken off the Sweater Sinister to reveal a low-cut blouse and was leaning over her teacup to present him with a clear view that she undoubtedly, but erroneously, considered, well, titillating. He'd walked right into it, too; on this playing field, his comments would be considered a coy invitation to "reward" his extra efforts.
He almost lost his composure and groaned, but that would definitely have made matters worse.
Don't give her a chance to say anything. "But of course, I can do it. It will take at least a month, I'm afraid, Dolores. This is a very sensitive potion, it has to be prepared delicately."
Her eyes gleamed again, and he wished he had used more technical terms. "Oh, I trust you're up to the task, Severus, you're a man of many capable skills." There went the hand on his knee again, higher this time.
In the distant past, Snape had murdered, tortured, and raped under the orders of the Dark Lord, but there was no way in Heaven, Hell, or Earth that he was going to bang Dolores Umbridge. Not just no, but Hell No! There are some things a man simply cannot ask of himself.
But Snape was also a master of subterfuge, and there was no excuse for creating an ugly scene when there was still opportunity for a clean extraction. It was time for a virtuoso performance.
Snape averted his eyes coyly. "Oh, Dolores, bless your heart, I think you may have a wrong impression."
She raised her brows curiously. The hook was in place, now to tug the line.
"I see how... lovely you look tonight, and I appreciate it, really, it's just..." He put his fingertips over his lips in what he hoped was a shy, endearing manner (he had never attempted such a thing before). It seemed to pass muster; she cocked her head and stared at him, puzzled.
"I'm afraid..." Snape bowed his head and attempted a nervous giggle, then fixed her gaze. "It's just that you look so seductive, but I'm not, ah, that is, I don't exactly..."
"Severus!" Her eyes widened. "Are you trying to tell me you're queer?"
Bloody hell no, I'm not, but thanks for asking. "I, tee hee, I'm afraid so, dear."
She cracked what was probably the first sincerely amused smile he'd ever seen on her toadlike face and sat back in her chair. "Hem, hem. Well. I would never have guessed."
"Thank you for saying so. I strive to keep my private matters out of the public perception."
Oh, bloody hell. She obviously fancied herself quite the fag hag; she was nodding kindly and patting his knee. "I'm sure it must be difficult, poor dear," she said sympathetically. "People can be so uptight about such things, particularly when it comes to teachers. You've really done an excellent job, I promise, I never even suspected it until this very moment."
He smiled as graciously as he could. "Well, we've both shared our little secrets now, haven't we, Dolores?"
There was that humorless grin. Checkmate. The end was in sight.
"Quite so, darling. But you simply must tell me one more thing. Does Lucius know?"
It is proof that we live in a divine universe, that such opportunities arise when they are so desperately needed. "Oh, Dolores, trust me. He understands perfectly!" Snape winked with a shiver so subtle that it screamed of untold passion, and he saw in her eyes that she immediately filed that away under Malfoy: Leverage Against.
From now on, that blond bastard would think twice about referring his Ministry problems to Snape for disposal.
Story Actions
To follow, favorite, like, and more either log in or create an account.
Leave a Review
Log in to leave a review.
Latest 25 Reviews for Fair Exchanges
909 Reviews | 6.76/10 Average
I've warned you that i will continue to harrass you about finishing this story until my dying day. And i always keep my word. Hope you are still around, that all is well for you, and that this story remains on your eternal to do list.
Response from Fawkes_07 (Author of Fair Exchanges)
Sigh. It is. It really is. I need a time machine.
Hello again! I don't know if you are even still around, but reading the rest of this story is on my bucket list, so while I still have breath in me, I shall continue to nudge you toward writing. Hope all is well with you and yours.
SPOILER Warning******In case someone has gone this many years without getting through the last book in the series****************************I hope this new turn in their relationship keeps her from wishing she could just hold hands with someone and walk around the lake. She's had a man now. I can't imagine, at least I hope she doesn't go back to boys. What are you going to do about the Ron thing? She can't go with Ron now. It would would be too mean to Severus! I hope she understands when Albus is killed. Poor Severus! There. Again I'm saying it! I don't mind his sacrifices if I know he will be rewarded with the love he deserves for what he has had to pay to rid the world of Tom Riddle. I hope you work this out so that he doesn't suffer at the end and you'd better not kill him off like the witch who kills small beloved pets like owls, and sweet dear magical creatures like house elves protecting their loved one, cruelly rends twins assunder with one on this side alone without his other half and the other one on the opposite side of the vale tellikng jokes without punch lines! Please tell me you will not follow that part of cannon. You are already forcing Severus to do things I don't know if Hermione can forgive him for. She must forgive him though.When are you going to work on this story some more? Do you know? Are you planing to finish this story or did the last cannon book kill your joy when she killed off our Potions Master in an incredibly un-Severus Snap like end. ....As if the Potions Master of all masters wouldn't have antivenin.
Response from Fawkes_07 (Author of Fair Exchanges)
You know, it's funny... DH actually kind of DID kill off a lot of my motivation to keep writing fanfic, even though I never really thought of it that way until just now. I wrote my own Book 7 for my kids--HP and the Heirs of Slytherin, it's here on TPP--starting in about 2006, just because I KNEW JKR was going to blow it. I just knew I wouldn't like her book 7. A lot of these fics kind of spun off during the process of writing HoS, including Fair Exchanges. HoS has a lot of legilimency/occlumency in it, and Hermione asks Harry not to look at her dreams. That sparked this story... Anyway, once I finished HoS, I kinda moved on to other projects and my unfinished fics have been sort of waiting on the vine for me. I know how they all end, and some of them are just a few chapters from complete. But part of the trouble with Fair Exchanges is that I hate DH so much I have no desire to read it carefully enough to make Fair Ex canon-compliant. It can't even be HoS compliant, because my alt. universe has even more trouble ahead for Snape. If it's any comfort, though, the last two chapters of this story were written LONG ago, and it wraps up the story in a way I really liked. I posted them on some other ff sites, if you want to go hunting for them. I kept them off TPP, though, because I wanted to post the whole thing properly here.
She is being a normal girl, unfortunately for Severus. Severus Snape requires a remarkable woman. Strong, forgiving, able to make her own happiness most of the time and able to consistantly see past the Death Eater Double Spy. He needssomeone who wants him especially because he isn't like any other man on earth. And he needs someone older than Hermione. I would be thinking just exactly what she is thinking. He is looking for a life time commitment. She just isn't there yet. I don't se how this can end well for either of them unless you figure out a way to turn cannon around soon. I hate the way things turned out in the cannon. She ruined everything! I can't stand it. I hope you can salvage this back story so that it comes out much better than the original. Severus deserves better. I hate feeling sorry for Snape, damn it! I want him to show them all. I want him to end up with the best end of any stick.
Poor Severus. I wish she'd run off to Polynesia with him. I hope she's worth it in the end. She has no real idea what he faces here. They are living in the moment when they see each other. He knows more about her than she knows about him. There is so much more to him than there is to Hermione at this point in her life. How old is she, 15 or 16? Well, at least he can have someone pure. I hope she never asks about his other lovers. I don't think she is ready for the answer. I'm not sure I'd be ready for the Centaura. And we know that in his youth he willingly committed rape in this story, though he reqrets it now. I don't know that Hermione could really handle that knowledge. She might be able to handle the idea that he had possibly been forced to do it, but not with certainty that he had ever willingly done it. He's so screwed is she ever finds out all the things he has to do, unless she is a very unusual individual and not very judgemental. I hope for his sake she is as remarkable as he thinks she is.
Hello! I think Draco just passed out! What do you do with this lie. How to explain that 2 men who appeared to absolutely despise one another were lovers on the low down. Would Draco even fall for that? I don't think he has been present at the OP meetings to observed the apparent mutual hatred. Draco doesn't know how much the murrauders stalked and abused poor Severus. Maybe he'll fall fore it. Poor boy wil be manipulated by the Uncle he trustes. That must taste like shit to Severus.
And Hermione can't know about Draco! She would not understand.
Severus Snape is the most adept spie of all the world if he pulls this off. He must feel like he can never get clean from lying regulary to those few who trust him, beastiality, cheeting on his overly homornal girlfriend that he shouldn't be with, but amazingly they actually love each other and trust each other. Now, add buggery in order to manipulate his godson. He must keep Hermione and Draco apart. And what would the dark lord or Albus Dumblebutt have to say about all of this distasteful activity. Dude, when this is all over you are going to need some serious counceling!
OK. What should he do now? I say, let the twirp kiss you so that you can get on his good side and find out his secrets. Hey! It's a dog eat dog world out there right now. Just hope that Hermione doens't find out you cheated on her with 4 Centaras and her worst enemy at the school and all in the same week. It's a fine edge you tread, poor Severus. I actually feel sorry for you.
Lucky in many ways it seems, our Severus. The Dark Lord needed a laugh. Oooooo, let a name slip in there that starts with an H. So who actually rescued the toad in the forest after all? Make up any answer you like. I had assumed it was Albus. But why he would bother is beyond me. Does Severus have to go back to fetch her?
So! Our dear potions master is hung like a stallion! Well of couse he is! Those naughty girls. It's a good thing Hermione doesn't know. And, isn't he terrified of being caught in the act by the stallions while making love to the mares? I'm sure they would kill him. I'm glad he gets some small reward for his hard work protecting Harry. It really is too bad they didn't kill Umbridge. I know Jkr needs her later in the story. I hope she has permanent damage though.
There's no way that will happen under these circumstances. I don't believe it. Girls need a mood or something to get then started.
Don't worry Hermione, dear. After you've been married for more than 3 decades you actually will grow together down there from lack of use. You see, the little man is victim to depression, high blood pressure, diabetes and sundry medications for said infirmities, but eventually this will only spark a sense of resigned bitterness. Dreams though few and far between will be a welcomed relief. So cry no more dear girl and by the gods grab him while you can! Perhaps in your world magic will make these things not so. If that is the case, get over it you silly girl. He must truly be desperate to put up with this. You all must be. I was quite emotional the first 20 years. It was dreadful! Now I am resigned to the fact that what ever you were fighting about the first 2 years are the same things you will be fighting about in 10 years until eventually you just look at him and shake your head. Put up with it or try to train a new one. Here is the most important thing you will ever know. They cannot be trained. Don't waste your time.
I love, "like a raisin through a guinea pig"! I take it you speak from experience based on your picture of Mr. Flibbert, I believe his name was. One of the things that annoyed the hell out of me in the movie version of TGoF was the hormonal Hermione whining and bitching in her high pitched self righteous girl BS. I think she was pissed off just like in this chapter for the entire movie. I realize it is true to life but it is still annoying. I have two drama queens of my own and it doesn't get better when they grow up. I am grateful for grandsons. They are loud and every game requires growling and yelling and running in the house, not to mention accidentally bumping into each other on purpose etc. but I am looking forward to much less drama as when they reach puberty. I look also look forward to Hermione in this story finishing her O.L.W.S. I'm hyper-sensitive from PTSD after raising two daughters.
Here it is 2014 and still no end in sight. Please finish this, it is too good and to frustrating to stop here,
Response from Fawkes_07 (Author of Fair Exchanges)
Sigh... I know. I really would like to finish it someday. Too many projects, not enough time!
You do know that as long as this story sits unfinished, I am going to pop in periodically and bug you, right? Now I am not pressuring you. I know that real life can be a bitch. All I'm saying is that I probably have a good fifty years left in me, and I am going to continue to encourage you until I take my last breath. Oh, but please don't wait that long as I do want to read the end, lol.
Hi Fawkes_07, I have enjoyed this so much! It is of course beautifully written and plotted. I think you've captured all the characters quite well. The sense of humor in this story is wonderful and was a great surprise. Love the interactions between H and Severus, and also between Severus & Draco. I see that it has been some years since you've updated. Please, please don't abandon this story! Happy writing!
Ah, I remember following this story every week. It's a shame RL got in the way and it's gone 3 years-ish without an update. I hope you're doing well and come back to it some day. Thank you for the wonderful half-fic, for what it's worth :)
What the what?? I followed you over from MNFF to see what I'd missed, holy mess!!!! I LOVE this story, it constantly shocks me!!
Response from Fawkes_07 (Author of Fair Exchanges)
LOL, yeah, MNFF had an issue with the human/centaur thing. Glad you're enjoying it... I hope to finish it someday if I ever get my life back.
wow, this story just gets creepier and creepier, in the most interesting and hilarious way possible. this has to be the best story i have ever read on any fanfiction site. u are an awesome writer; i have never laughed this much at a story. i now see why mnff just couldnt bear it, lol, way too many disturbing things. i just got used to the thought of draco being a sex god in other stories, now u make him gay! bwahahaha, talk about a monkeywrench. im sad snape gave that 16-year-old release to the mares. i wished my girl hermione had gotten a piece of that. now that would have been fun to read and write, im sure, hehe. again, u are brilliant!
Response from Fawkes_07 (Author of Fair Exchanges)
<laughs> Wow, glad you're enjoying it! Yeah, MNFF drew the line at the "bestiality" elements (though they don't seem to mind human/werewolf and human/veela). Eh, whatever.Hadn't thought of the 16-year gap ending with the ponies... I guess this is sort of a tragic story, huh?
More Please!?!?!? I so like how this story is going. Love the HG/SS relationship. I so can not wait for more.
Response from Fawkes_07 (Author of Fair Exchanges)
Sigh... I know. I really do intend to finish it, and the funniest stuff is yet to come. You just would not believe the times I've had the past couple years--broken ribs, my mom passed away, a new nonprofit opened in town and begged me to write their grants... I don't even READ fanfic any more, much less write it. But someday things will settle down.
I tried to read this story when I was 16 years of age, back then I could barely read English (not my first language) and I had to consult the dictionary every 3 minutes or so but I do remember little bits of it... This amazing first chapter for example. It's so well written and so true to the characters. It's a pleasure to be able to read it again.
Response from Fawkes_07 (Author of Fair Exchanges)
Wow! That's so cool! I'm glad you liked it well enough to come back to it! Thanks!
Aww, Snape's going to be a father. *snickers*
Response from Fawkes_07 (Author of Fair Exchanges)
Not after he gets that potion ready...
The age of consent in the UK is 16 not to mention the use of the Time-Turner so she's actually almost two years older than her peers. She could've consented before.
Response from Fawkes_07 (Author of Fair Exchanges)
Hmm, I suppose so. But she used the date to such a fine advantage... had to go with it.
You are a wonderful writer, and I always look forward to reading more of your story. This is byfar my favorite Snape/Hermione fanfic ever. I thank you soooo much for updating! I love love love everything about it! Are you though, planning to go canon and kill him off in the end, or will I have to wait and see? You make my week!
Response from Fawkes_07 (Author of Fair Exchanges)
Heh, well, I don't like to give out spoilers but I'll just say I don't consider DH as part of canon. So that may answer your question...
I went back and reread the last chapter to refresh the story in my brain. It has been a damn long time woman! Come back to the potterverse! We miss you. Im all sorts of confused about H's trouble in potions. Whatever could it be?
Response from Fawkes_07 (Author of Fair Exchanges)
Herms was totally upstaged by Harry in potions that year, on account of Harry having the HBP's potion text. She was pretty po'd about that--but she can't tell Snape or that would ruin Harry's surprise. But I think it's funny that she would be in such a good position to blow Harry's scheme out of the water...
ROFLMAO! Oohhhh noooo. Snape, you silly man. I was afraid something like this would happen. Can wizards and centaur breed with each other?! You really do love torturing Snape. It's a fun kind of torture, though.
Response from Fawkes_07 (Author of Fair Exchanges)
*snerk* It IS fun to torture old Sev. Maybe Voldy thinks so too, I dunno.