41: Coming To An Understanding

Chapter 41: Coming to An Understanding

Hermione had Apparated across longer distances before, but she hadn't had time for more than a bite of lunch before their little battle, and she was feeling a bit lightheaded. Add the drain of a post-adrenalin rush, and she collapsed when she, Harry and Severus Apparated into the Shrieking Shack. Severus reached out and caught her as she began to slump to the side. He banished the dirt and garbage around the bed in the corner and set her down on it. "Careful, my dear. You've had quite a scare. Are you all right? Did that oaf hurt you?"

Looking up at him, Hermione saw Harry staring at the two of them, his face tight, but not lifting his wand at Severus. She leaned back into the thin comforter, which still smelled moldy despite Severus's cleaning job, and moaned, rubbing her hands down her face. "What a day." She peeked an eye through her fingers at Harry. "You aren't hexing him." She tipped her head to the side. "Why aren't you hexing him?" She glared at her husband. "I'd like to hex him, if my head weren't spinning."

"You want me to hex your husband? I'd be happy to oblige, but I thought you'd prefer it if I didn't." Harry's face was stony with anger, his arms ramrod straight and ending in clenched fists.

"Ten points to Gryffindor for figuring it out, Mr. Potter." Severus didn't even look Harry's way, preferring to hover over his wife, murmuring a charm to determine if there was anything physically wrong with her. He didn't bother to ask why she wanted to hex him.

"I could change my mind and hex you anyway, just for spite," Harry said, galled by his old professor's snide comment.

"You could, but you won't." Severus finished the charm and tucked the tip of his wand behind Hermione's back and cast a spell to alleviate the pain and bruising from her fall. Then, apparently satisfied by the results, he smoothed Hermione's bangs back from her face and tucked a lock of fly-away hair behind her ear. "I'm beginning to think you aren't your father and may, in fact, turn out not to be a complete idiot after all." He stood and turned around to face Harry, who glowered all the more for the comment about his father.

Severus looked Harry over, keeping hold of his wand, but retaining it at his side where the threat was considerably less. "Considering the way you acted when we faced each other at the school last spring, and the things you yelled at me in the restaurant, I am curious to know why you haven't tried to hex me behind my back."

"Don't worry; I'm still tempted. Very tempted, in fact. The thought of you and Hermione having a child together makes my current decision to withhold my hexes rather difficult to follow, in fact. Not to mention the vomit factor."

Severus merely nodded his understanding, saying nothing.

Harry continued, "But please, give me a little credit. I could hardly appear to trust you in the restaurant after you've been keeping such a low profile. And I know if you're incapacitated I won't get any answers at all."

"So she has taught you something worthwhile this summer." The words might have been complimentary, but the delivery was not. "How long did it take you to figure out our true relationship? How much damage control are we going to have to do? And how did you get mixed up in all that in the first place?" He shot an irritated look at his wife, as though blaming her for an indiscretion.

That only made Hermione even angrier.

"Happy accident." Harry's voice was ironic. "We happen to love that restaurant. And your relationship with Hermione was confirmed when I saw the two of you together today, but I had a hint of it last night. Viktor referred to you as 'that Prince fellow' when we spoke last night. I hadn't heard the last name you were using before. You could say it was you who let too many hints slip. When I asked Hermione this morning if the glamour aged you up or down she gave me a non-answer...very telling, actually. Our Hermione prefers to misdirect or flat our refuse to answer rather than lie, though she does that creditably enough when necessary." He crossed his arms over his chest and glared. "I still hate you though, and I'll expect a full explanation soon."

"I owe you nothing, and what Hermione tells you will be up to her." Severus fingered his wand, but didn't lift it, though his face went thunder-dark. "My relationship with my wife is really none of your concern."

"As she's one of my best friends, it is very much my concern...not that I want the gory details, you can save that for someone with a stronger stomach than me. But I care if she's happy and, well, friends care."

Hermione decided to join the conversation. "Now that you've agreed to shake hands and hate each other like good sporting competitors, and I've decided to postpone hexing my husband for the next five minutes...though that could be rescinded at any moment...could I ask a question?" While they had their little chat, she had regained her head and sat up on the bed once again.

"Of course, my dear." Severus glared once more at Harry, then turned his full attention to his wife.

Hermione ground her teeth together at the placating tone of Severus' voice and reminded herself to stay calm. "Two questions. First, no second, then back to first." She ignored him when he rolled his eyes at her. "How in hell did I end up pregnant?"

Harry looked back and forth between them. "I think I'd better go. I don't want to get caught in the cross fire. And if no one has explained the birds and the bees to her yet, it won't be me."

"You'll get yours, Harry James Potter," Hermione said, narrowing her eyes at his joke; she was in no mood for it.

"Good idea, Potter. Oh, and if anyone asks, you hate my guts even worse than before and you and Hermione are at serious odds. In fact, perhaps she should spend a few days at her other residence as you've had a great row and don't want to see her now you know about me. Though perhaps you should be too angry with her to be able to talk about what angered you, even to any of the Order members. I'm not sure we're ready to unveil the relationship to all and sundry."

"Why would I pretend to hate her?" Harry asked.

"Because, you dunderhead, the whole point of my getting her pregnant in the first place was to alienate you two, to anger you and make you reckless and to off-balance you. Which means we'll have to show proof that you're about to go off the deep end, or something similar. She'll come to you later at Headquarters, maybe tomorrow, and you can work out what will be most convincing. In the meantime," Severus grabbed Hermione by the elbow and pulled her toward him, "come, my pet, we've much to discuss."

"You use that word one more time on me when you don't have to, and I'll make you a eunuch," she said, glowering her best. She saw Harry flinch, but her husband only smirked, enraging her further.

"There's no time for that now." He sneered at Harry and Disapparated them both to the cottage door.

When the dizziness of Apparition faded away on the cottage walkway, Hermione hoped she wouldn't feel like this for the next eight months. "Great. Just great. Get your hands off me, you git." Hermione pulled away from him and stumbled toward the door.

"You don't have the strength for that after all those spells you cast. The pregnancy has taxed your system too much," Severus protested. "Sit down. Take a few minutes to regroup."

"Sod it. I don't want to see your face for at least the next nine months, maybe longer if you don't want it hexed." She slammed the door behind her and made her way through the cottage to the bathroom, where she sat on the side of the tub in a heap.

Pregnant. She was going to have a baby. She turned on the hot water in the tub and began filling it, her eyes welling with tears as she tried to make sense of the day's revelations.

A baby.

*****

After using a spell to reheat the bathwater twice, the water cooled a third time. Hermione looked at the way her fingers and toes had wrinkled up. She was nowhere near ready to face her husband, but decided her digits would become unrecognizable if she waited any longer to get out.

Severus was no longer in the cottage, nor even near the estate. He had mentioned to that ghastly female Death Eater that he would return to the Dark Lord's side. She figured that must be where he was now. As he hadn't been tortured yet, she was confident his aims must have been reached...or at least that the monster he spied on believed it was so.

Over the past two hours, Hermione had reviewed the day's events dozens of times. She realized from the conversation among the Death Eaters that her pregnancy had been requested by the Dark Lord...to what end she didn't know. Harry's public response to the announcement had been perfect: shock, horror, betrayal. The fact that he had remained wary after the three of them were alone told her his public response hadn't been completely feigned, even if he had managed to keep hold of his temper.

She wished her pregnancy were as feigned as the split between Harry and herself. In the rapidly cooling water, she slid a hand over her belly and pressed it closer. How long before she could feel it move? It was already weakening her power...something she couldn't afford as the final battle drew near. She was going to need a trip to Flourish and Blotts for books on pregnancy as it was clear there were a few differences for witches and Muggles, though she hadn't exactly read any on Muggle pregnancy either. She was completely unprepared for this. She hated being unprepared for anything.

Pushing that thought away, she rose from the water and reached for a towel. After dressing, she had some fruit for a quick snack since she had basically skipped lunch all together. A few minutes later, she was walking through the back yard, surveying the garden and prioritizing the work that needed to be done next.

By the time Severus returned to the cottage hours later, she was thoroughly exhausted. Hermione had worked through the afternoon, passing over dinner to continue her work well into twilight. Still, her anger and resentment had only slightly abated.

"You're going to make yourself sick, skipping meals and working so hard."

Hermione didn't look up at her husband, focusing on the plants she was replanting instead. "Sometimes I hate having you in my head."

"Sometimes the feeling is mutual. I know you've been starving yourself for the past three hours, probably more, but I've only been aware of it that long. Killing our baby isn't going to make everything all better."

She tossed a handful of muddy weeds at him, hitting him dead in the chest, then stood shakily to her feet. He was right, but she wasn't about to admit it. "What do you care? You didn't even bother to discuss children with me. Don't you think I ought to have a right to decide whether or not I give birth? What if I never wanted a child? What if I especially never wanted your child?" She followed this question by tossing her small hand spade at him as well. His only response was to hold out a hand that magically redirected the spade to the side before it touched him. "Show off."

He turned, calling back over his shoulder. "I expect you in the kitchen in less than a minute to eat whatever Twinkie has put together for us."

Hermione muttered under her breath about where he could put his expectations and began gathering up the weeds she had discarded on the walkway as she worked around the garden. When the minute passed, she had an arm full of weeds and found herself standing in her kitchen beside the table full of food. Once again, she hadn't initiated the change of location, just found herself there in an instant.

Severus sat calmly at the table, a cup of tea in one hand. He lifted his wand and banished the weeds in her arms. "Go wash your hands for dinner."

"Make me." She clenched her hands and set them on her hips. "You are my husband, not my lord and master."

His fingers grew white on the handle of the cup, and he placed the cup onto the saucer with great care, his anger rolling through her, a compliment to the venom she was spewing back at him. "You are not my slave, you are the mother of my child, and as such, you will take care of yourself."

"I didn't ask to become the mother of your child!"

"It's too late to change it now. Accept it and start being responsible!" He gritted his teeth and stayed in his seat, though he looked ready to pounce any moment.

Wanting nothing so much as to hurt him, she narrowed her eyes. "I'm sure there are potions that could reverse this issue. If not, Muggles have plenty of techniques."

He bounded from his chair, grabbed her by both shoulders, and held her only inches from himself. "You cannot mean that. You, the savior of all elf-kind could not destroy your child's life. Our child's life." His fingers were like vices on her shoulders, and she knew he wasn't as sure as his words indicated.

She wanted to spew her defiance back into his face, but she felt the jolt of fear from him, the desperation. This allowed her to get a handle on her anger and think through the haze of his betrayal of trust. "What do you care?"

Silence hummed between them for a long moment before he answered in a low, pain-filled voice. "Life is precious. You never realize just how precious until you take one." He released her and walked the three steps over to the sink, curling his fingers around its edge.

Feeling deflated by his despair, Hermione watched him for a long moment, then walked over, nudged him to the side, and began to wash her hands. He said nothing as she dried off and returned to the table, taking the seat opposite the one he had been sitting in and picking out a strawberry tart.

He turned when she poured herself a cup of tea, staring at her, as if uncertain whether to believe her change of heart. "What are you doing?"

"Since I've barely eaten today, I thought I might have a bite. You?" She acted as though the blow up between them hadn't happened, knowing when they finished eating it would all come up again, possibly more volatile than ever. But first she needed to eat. Hermione had always had more difficulty thinking clearly when she didn't eat properly. He was right, she was lightheaded from lack of nourishment, and while she hadn't wanted this baby, she didn't intend to kill it either.

"This discussion isn't over," he said as he joined her at the table again.

"Not by a long shot." Hermione buttered a muffin and took a large bite, then closed her eyes as she savored the hot buttery goodness. Why was it they didn't have Dobby cooking the meals at Headquarters again? She vowed to change that as soon as may be. The house scouring was pretty well finished anyway.

They ate in silence, both shooting furtive looks at the other when they thought they could do so unobserved. The wind chimes Hermione had set up in the back window tinkled in the wind, calming and reassuring her as she finished her meal.

When she was full, she rose and headed for the bathroom.

"Where are you going?" he asked.

"I need another shower. It was hot working out in the sun."

"You won't be long?"

"No. Wait for me in the living room."

As she shampooed her hair again and allowed the hot water to loosen up the soreness from her back and neck, Hermione wondered how she would approach the situation with her husband. He had no right to intentionally get her pregnant without at least discussing it with her first. No right. But she understood him, probably better than he thought, and she knew he still didn't dare trust her. Not even after everything they had been through. Trust could cost a spy like him his life.

She got out of the shower and dried off. After wrapping her hair in a towel and sliding into clean clothes, she padded through the cottage to the living room, taking a seat in a large arm chair across from him, instead of beside him in the loveseat.

A long moment passed before she began to speak. "First, those potions you gave me last month, they were fertility potions, weren't they?"

He nodded minutely. "The first nullified your contraceptive potion, the second was a fertility potion. I was afraid I wouldn't have much time and had to act as soon as possible." His emotions were fully occluded, his face impassive as he made the acknowledgement. "However, I thought the pregnancy issue was the second thing you wanted to discuss and something else was first. What would that be?"

She ground her teeth together, her ire already rising. "First would be how you keep calling me to your side. It's bloody irritating, that's what."

He nodded, unperturbed by her irritation. "The Greek spell, the protective spell, includes the ability for me to call you to my side. It is far more draining to do so than to simply Apparate to your side...especially long distance...but it has its uses. It protected you from the slicing hex Nott was sending your direction, and it brought you in for tea when you were acting like a child instead of taking care of ours."

"But it's one-sided, isn't it? Just like the other part of the spell that allows you to beat on me while protecting me from others, this one allows you to call me to you, but not the other way around."

"I have never beaten you...nor will I. And the spell does not work precisely like that. You can't call me to your side with a thought, as I can you, but you can put a great deal of urgency on me to join you. The other night when I showed up here irritated by your constant nagging for me to join you after the three bouts of Crucio was due to the spell. Any more insistence in your wishes for me to be home, and I may have Apparated to your side just to get rid of the pressure.

"It could be very dangerous if I'm in the wrong situation at the time. At the same time, I can lower the insistence on my side as well, so that you only feel nagged to join me, but make the decision about when. And when that happens, you will Apparate to my side, even if you don't know my location. Also, I'm not sure if it will work if you are in a secret kept or unplottable location like Headquarters or Hogwarts. "

Somewhat mollified, Hermione glared at him anyway. "So why didn't you tell me? I could have caused trouble for you the other night because I didn't understand what I was doing. Just like I could have hurt the baby by handling dangerous ingredients because you didn't tell me about it. Hang telling me about it, why didn't you discuss it with me? I wouldn't have liked it, but probably would have seen things your way. At least then I would have had time to get used to the idea before it was reality. Why can't you trust me to make the right decision?"

"I couldn't take the chance that you might not. And the vision of you taking the potions without knowing what they were, the clear trust you displayed in me that night, went a long way toward placating the Dark Lord over the lack of information I had given him. He was pleased, as well, by the scene in the restaurant. Nott had already shared it with him by the time I arrived. Of course, Nott was punished for showing my hand earlier than the Dark Lord had planned, and for failing in her assignment, but she'll live."

"You didn't give me any warning about the attack or we wouldn't have been there."

"I didn't know about it. I only arrived there because I sensed your distress."

"You and I are a team, Severus. You can't make decisions like this for us without discussing it with me. If I have to live with the results, you have to trust me to make the right decision. Trust me with your secrets."

He leaned forward, placing his elbows on his knees and stared her down. "And you have no secrets of your own? Nothing you keep to yourself that I might find of interest? Nothing recent that you've kept to yourself? What about your reasons for those spells I'm developing? Or how about the way you tried to keep the Felix Felicis preparation to yourself?"

"Those were not things that involved you directly, and you've known of them for ages."

"What about your meeting with Krum?"

This caused Hermione to color up and look away, unable to meet his eyes. He had a point when it came to her relationship with Viktor. "You're right there. I should have told you, but I was worried about how you would respond. Since I intended to end things between us at the meeting, I justified keeping it to myself. It was foolish." She met his gaze again and saw the anger blazing there.

"It was more than foolish; it was dangerous, for both of us. And, there's something else that's important to you, but which you see of little importance in the grand scheme that you're keeping hidden away. I've sensed it for some time."

Hermione blushed and turned away. How did she get onto this subject anyway?

"That's what I thought. Neither of us fully trusts the other. So don't get all high and mighty about my secrets when you've kept plenty of your own."

What to say, how to respond? Did she tell him now and get it out in the open? But how could she not tell him when it stood between them? "I'm an Animagus. I can become a starling." In demonstration, she stood and transformed, flew around the room, and landed on his shoulder.

Severus looked at her in surprise and reached out to touch her feathers. When she hopped from his shoulder a moment later, she transformed back to her true form and landed beside him on the sofa.

"Is it safe for you to transform while you're with child?" He asked as he reached out and stroked her face, a bit of awe in his tone.

"Yes, for the first trimester or so. After that it can cause complications. Professor McGonagall made me do all the research before she allowed me to begin the transformation part."

"And as the knowledge-sponge that you are, you remembered. Good. You have about a month left, then you must stop." Amusement filled his eyes. "So do you like flight as a bird any more than on a broom?"

"About a hundred times more. It's lovely to wing around as a bird."

He kissed her softly, then tipped his forehead against her own. "You are a wonder to me, and a constant surprise."

Silence lengthened between them as Hermione reveled in his nearness and fought to keep the enchantment from over-ruling her head. They touched only at his fingertips to her chin and their foreheads, but even that slight brush of skin sent shivers down her spine. "I shouldn't have kept it from you, but you have to admit, me being an Animagus is nowhere near as serious a secret as you getting me pregnant without discussing it with me first."

He nodded slightly in acknowledgment. "So is that your only secret then? You now know mine...or at least those that make a difference in the near future. I've one more, but it's not ready yet, and should turn out to be a good surprise. You'll have the answers to that soon. I'm," he took a deep breath and let it out, "sorry I didn't trust you."

She looked into his eyes and searched for the truth, then decided she had it. He had told her the important issues he was holding back, and he considered whatever was left to be minor in comparison. She would trust that was true...for the time being at least. That didn't satisfy all of her questions and concerns, however. "You said once that the pregnancy would be for our benefit, that I should consider it insurance. How is that?"

He leaned back against the sofa and drew her into his arms so she rested back against his chest. She could have resisted, but opted not to. He began softly, "Azkaban has a rule for father's rights. It is ancient, has been around for centuries, and no one has used it recently, but it allows fathers to see their children every fortnight until they enter Hogwarts...then fortnightly during their holiday breaks until he or she reaches their majority. Along with our child, you would be allowed to visit. Obviously, there would be no real intimacy between us at that time, but if things should go so badly wrong, it is a means that will allow us to continue to live for some years."

"And you consider that a life? You in prison, me as a single parent, raising a baby and seeing you so rarely? And what happens when our child comes of age? Do we then go silently insane and die, leaving him or her an orphan?"

"It's insurance while we try to work out other arrangements. A stay of execution, if you will, while you put your brilliant mind to work to try and find a better way for us."

"And if Voldemort should die soon, what's to keep me sane between his demise and the birth of our child? A child you won't see come into the world? How could I possibly manage as a single parent when I'm not ready to be a parent at all?"

"Hush," he caressed her upper arms, up and down, again and again, soothing her. "We will deal with that when it comes. I still hope to work out alternate arrangements so that won't become necessary. As Potter's best friend and comrade-at-arms, you may be given special privileges anyway. They would not want you dead from lack of access to me, and with any luck, we will be out of reach before they can stop us."

Hermione's mind spun, there were so many things to think about. She slid a hand over her stomach again, wondering about the life inside her. Would she survive the final battle? Would they be allowed a chance to live as a family? There were too many variables to consider at this point. "I'm still not sure how I feel about all of this. And I'm not certain I can completely forgive you for leaving me out of the decision."

"It is much to be getting on with. And you've enough other complications in your life right now. Though I don't blame you for being upset, I am thrilled by the thought of offspring, even though I hadn't planned on it so soon. And the thought of you, round with my child, is incredible." He ran a hand over her stomach, as though feeling for the life within.

Hermione relaxed in his arms and shut her brain off for the time being. Tomorrow there would be the hassle of placating Harry, who may have been taking this a hundred times calmer than she expected, but would still require explanations. She wouldn't think about the future past next week for now. One day at a time...that would be best.

"Oh, and Hermione, that comment about making me a eunuch?"

"I'd probably grow to regret it if I went that far," she admitted. "But the idea about giving you a frontal lobotomy still has merit, or I have a plethora of ideas I came up with for the twins but cast aside as too cruel that might work wonderfully on you." She hoped he was cringing at this point, as she was completely serious about her feelings for the word 'pet.'

"Understood."

___________

AN: Don't worry, Hermione hasn't forgiven and forgotten yet. There is more fun to come. Next up are the inevitable fireworks, and explanations.

Thanks to my beta, countrymouse, and the wonderful Admins on this site.