7: Pain Brings Enlightenment

Chapter 7: Pain Brings Enlightenment

Tuesday night as Severus was grading papers in his office he felt the burn of his Dark Mark. It had been a full week since his last call, and as he had already shared a short diary conversation with Hermione, he was feeling far more centered tonight than he had on the previous visit. Still, he didn't look forward to appearing before the Dark Lord. He had nothing new to share...at least nothing that he would share.

With a wave of his wand, he transfigured his teaching robes into the heavy velvet ones the Dark Lord's supporters wore. Severus also changed a handkerchief into a silvery white mask, but stashed it in his pocket until he could get off school grounds.

It took but a minute to get beyond the wards. He used the time to lock away any memories he didn't want exploited that night and to bring forth anything that would be an advantage for him. He still hadn't determined the best way to introduce his relationship with Hermione, so determined to say nothing yet. He knew he needed to come up with something before a whisper of the truth made its way to his master. And for all that she tried to hide her feelings, Hermione wasn't as subtle as she might be. One of his fellow Death Eater's children was certain to carry tales eventually. Malfoy, Zabini, Crabbe, or Goyle may already have noticed. Well, not the latter two, they didn't have a working brain between them, but Draco and Blaise were far from clueless. Hiding it for long would be difficult.

He was so weary of the pretense.

The meeting dragged on as the Dark Lord questioned his minions, doling out praise or punishment where he saw fit.

"Severus," the red eyes fastened on the professor.

Severus stepped forward, falling to one knee and keeping his eyes averted. "Yes, my Lord?"

"What have you to report?"

"Things have been quiet this week. The old fool continues to keep watch on me, but I am certain I still have his trust. Order members come and go, but I have heard little of their plans. Potter spent an evening with the Headmaster this week, however. Both of them seem satisfied with the results. I believe his Occlumency is improving. It's really quite surprising, considering how little talent he has for it." Severus infused every word with distain and disgust. He was fully away the Headmaster was not working on Occlumency with Potter, that they were instead searching out information on Horcruxes. He wasn't about to tell the psycho in front of him anything about that.

"That is dissssapointing, Severusss. Next time you will bring me something useful. Do you understand?" The pure venom in his voice was all the warning Severus received. "Crucio."

Thrown to the ground, writhing in agony, Severus tried disassociating himself from the pain. Sometimes it worked. Other times, not so well. Thankfully the Dark Lord only held the spell for about half a minute. It was little more than a warning...one that would fill Severus with wracking aftershocks for the whole night, but a warning nonetheless. Severus was grateful for small miracles.

"Yes, my Lord. I'll do better this week." Aching, Severus picked himself off the ground and moved back into his place in the circle. He would have to be careful in how he introduced his relationship with Hermione. It was his best hope...for both their sakes.

*****

Back in Gryffindor tower, Hermione sat in the common room with Ron, Harry, and Ginny. Ginny and Dean had split up that week, and the redhead had spent more and more time by Harry's side as the days progressed. Seeing the way Harry and Ginny seemed to be sitting next to each other all the time, and touching, and looking at each other so often, Hermione wondered if the potion had affected them. But no, they didn't appear to be under half the compulsion she felt.

"I know Malfoy's up to something," Harry said, folding up the Marauder's Map again and sticking it in his bag. "I can't find him anywhere on the map."

"Please, can we let it rest for one night?" Hermione rubbed her temple with her fingertips. A sense of discomfort had settled over her nearly an hour earlier along with a strange itching sensation on her left forearm, and she was getting a headache.

"I can't just let it go. He's got something planned and Snape is trying to help him." Harry all but hissed the words at her.

"Dumbledore trusts Professor Snape, and so should you...he's spying for the Order." She remembered Severus's words: 'I think it highly likely you will soon develop an enduring dislike of me.' What did that mean, anyway? What had be been trying to tell her? "Please, can we just get through this..." She gasped as pain lanced through her, low grade, but strong enough to get her attention. It seemed to go on and on. Her nerves were on a low burn, and her brain felt electric. "What is he doing?" These last words were spoken low, to herself as the pain ebbed away, leaving her breathless.

"Hermione, What are you on about?"

Waving a hand, as though it had been no more than a passing thought, Hermione stared down at her homework. "Nothing, sorry, just had an epiphany." She didn't know how she knew, but she knew Severus had been summoned and hit with the Cruciatus Curse. That was the deep foreboding she had been feeling, it was an echo of his discomfort in Voldemort's presence.

She forced on a smile and hopped up from her seat. "I just realized I need to look something up in the library. Be back later." Without waiting for a response, she headed for the portrait door and out onto the landing where she cast the Disillusionment Charm and Muffliato on herself and hurried down to the dungeons. Her nerves were still tingling painfully, but it was clear the worst was over.

How long had she been feeling his emotions and physical sensations and not just her own? How long had it been going on and was it strictly a result of the Amoriata? Had Severus been aware of it and never told her? Was something else in play here?

As she hurried down the empty corridors, she considered and rejected various possibilities. It didn't seem long before she was passing through the wards into his private chambers. She didn't remove either spell on herself even when she sat down. On the slight chance that he wouldn't return to his rooms alone, she didn't want to cause any complications.

Where was he?

*****

The meeting dragged on and Severus stood in his accustomed place. He could feel Hermione's fear and concern for him and knew she had figured it out for herself. And she was worried. Knowing any distraction could be fatal right now, Severus pushed the knowledge back behind a shield and focused on what was going on around him.

Finally the meeting ended and after the requisite greetings to those around him, Severus turned to leave, nearly bumping into Hestia Nott. Of course this had to happen tonight. Couldn't catch a break, could I? "Hello, Hestia," he greeted his occasional lover.

"Hello, Severus." She stepped closer, pressing herself up to him and trailing a long finger down his chest. It was a move she had used to good effect in the past. This time it did little for him. Instead, his mind brought up an image of Hermione, eyes dilated with desire, panting slightly after he had released her from the kiss they had shared in his quarters Sunday night. This woman couldn't come close to comparing. "Wondered if you have a bit of time tonight. Thought maybe we could get together."

He smiled and flicked a finger over her cheek. "Wish I could, but I have so much going on right now. And the old fool of a Headmaster expects me at a staff meeting in a few minutes. It would be hard to explain my tardiness."

A slow smile spread over her face and she dropped a kiss on his cheek. "Tomorrow, perhaps?"

"Far too many dunderhead students have earned detention this week. Perhaps another time, Hestia. I really can't commit to anything right now." His mind raced as he wondered how he would get out of this if she pressed. He didn't even want this woman any more and feared she might push him into a tight corner. Aware that Hermione might realize something was off if he indulged even a bit to placate the woman, he searched for a way out.

"Hestia," another voice called from the right.

Severus barely reigned in the sigh of relief he felt at hearing Hestia's brother, Theodore calling her.

"We really must be going. Mother's party? She's going to be angry enough that we left in the middle as it is."

She frowned. "Right, I forgot about that. Next time then, lover." With a sultry smile, she turned and Disapparated.

Taking his own chance before someone else decided to speak with him, Severus popped outside to the castle grounds. His body still quaked with aftershocks of the Cruciatus, and he felt drained and weak. The energy required to drag himself across the grounds and to his rooms seemed more than he could stand, but he put one foot in front of the other until he found himself at his door. At this distance, he could tell Hermione was inside. He could feel her.

The enchantment's effects were such that as he focused on the bond between them, he had been able to sense changes in distance and direction between them. Now he wondered what he would say to the chit. At least she seemed more concerned for him than angry.

He pushed open the door to his quarters and flicked his wand to bring the candles around the room to life. The fire was already going, but as Severus looked around the room, he couldn't see Hermione. Still, he knew she was there. "Hermione, please show yourself. I don't have the patience for hide and go seek." Even to his own ears the words sounded tired.

There was a shimmer in the air and then Hermione came into view. She was already approaching him. "Are you OK? I know there are potions to calm the effects of Cruciatus, but I don't know where you kept them, and I didn't want to go through your things." She helped him off with his cloak and led him over to the sofa.

"Thank you." He sank into the comfort of his rooms and allowed his eyes to close. There was something comfortable about Hermione at the moment, not just comforting, but comfortable as well. She was his soul mate, whatever that meant, and she cared. At the moment he was far too tired to push that caring away. "The potion is in a blue bottle in the bathroom medicine cabinet."

Light footsteps crossed the room, and he heard her enter the bathroom. He figured it was the calm before the storm...she did have a temper on her. A moment later she returned with the bottle in hand. She removed the stopper and placed the vial in his hand.

Ignoring the wretched way the potion tasted, Severus gulped it down and waited while the magic seeped into all his pores, leaching the pain and discomfort away to a more bearable level. Nothing could completely wipe out the aftershocks, but this would help a good deal. After a few minutes he felt much better and opened an eye to look into Hermione's face. "Thank you."

"You're welcome. Feeling better?"

"Much. It's . . . nice . . . to have someone here when I return." It was a huge concession from him, and he knew she knew it. He allowed his eyes to close as his head rested back against the sofa.

"I'm glad I could help."

Conversation dropped off for a long moment, then he could sense her indecision and decided to put her out of her misery. "If you have a question, just ask it."

He heard her shift around a bit before she spoke. "Ok. How long have you known about this connection between us? I've been feeling your emotions all week, haven't I, but I didn't realize it." Her voice was low, but there was an underlying touch of accusation in it.

He didn't answer right away, not sure he had the strength to deal with this right now. She managed to interpret the truth anyway.

"You've always known, haven't you? From the very first."

"Yes. I've always known. It is one side effect that isn't often mentioned in books. I happened to pick it up in an obscure source in my office. One of the many features of this potion is the way it connects the two people so they feel what the other is feeling. Not all the time, mind you, but whenever the emotion or physical sensation is strong, or when they are in close proximity and trying to read the other. That was one reason I knew how to help you in class last week. I could sense your preoccupation with me, your growing distraction. It is also why when we kiss, our emotions get out of control so quickly. We feed off each other in a never-ending spiral.

"It's one reason people who are denied the chance to be with their soul mate go crazy and die. Feeling whenever your beloved is with their spouse, whenever they reach sexual gratification with another, would be a living nightmare." His voice had grown stronger throughout his discussion until at the end, he sat straight and gave her the full truth. Then an after shock of the Cruciatus slithered through him, destroying the image of strength he was trying to project.

She seemed to decide he could handle the brunt of her irritation anyway. "Why didn't you tell me? Did I not deserve to know what was going on in my own head?"

"I wasn't sure how I felt about it, nor did I want to bring it to your attention. The references were vague and the strength of the bond seemed to vary from case to case. I wasn't sure how strong it would be for us. Strong enough, I guess."

"I guess." She huffed and stared him down. "Maybe I don't want you in my head all the time. You're a very depressing man, Severus Snape. You hate everyone, and I keep finding myself wanting to snap at people for no reason whatsoever."

"So you think I like it any better? You aren't always so pleasant yourself. Half the younger students are scared to approach you for fear you might draw up a study schedule for them." It was not completely true, though he had heard some of the Slytherins her age joking about it. "And the other day I was in a staff meeting and you...you were in the common room laughing with your friends, practically rolling with it. I nearly smiled! In public! Slughorn would have had a heart attack if he'd seen it." He was leaning over her now, his irritation flashing. If she didn't look so delectable sitting with her arms crossed over her chest, it would be much easier to stay angry with her.

She held a straight face for nearly three seconds before her mouth started to twitch.

"What is wrong with you?" he asked, confused by the change in her bearing.

A full smile came over her face and finally she burst into laughter. Hermione grabbed her stomach and folded in half, tears running down her face. "You. Smiling. Staff meeting. Ha ha ha."

"It's not that funny." But her laughter was contagious and far more overpowering when he was actually in her presence. He had to fight to hold in a chuckle of his own. And she looked amazing when she was laughing, like a brilliant candle shining in the darkness.

"Hilarious. Here's the pouty Defense teacher, sitting regally in his chair," she had to stop speaking to let out a few more laughs. "And fighting his best to keep in a smile, for fear someone might think..."

The rest of her words were cut off by his lips as he realized it was the best way to silence her.

Besides, he really wanted to kiss her.

Some time later, when Severus started thinking he was nearing the point of no return, he forced himself to slow the pace of their kisses and finally pulled away. He slid his hands from where they had been fondling her breasts through the fabric of her blouse, down to her waist and tipped his head so their foreheads met. His heart was racing and he took several slow, deep breaths as he fought for self-mastery.

"I'm thinking April 15," she said finally.

"Too far away." He didn't have to ask what she meant by the date. The need to complete this was pounding in him as well so the date must be for a wedding. "March 29?"

"That's a little over two weeks."

"Yes, you're right, still too far away. How about right now...today?" He was only half joking, but he didn't take offense when she laughed.

"March 29th it is. Wizard or Muggle? Is there a way to do it so it won't be recorded in the wizarding rolls?"

"Has to be a wizard binding. The Headmaster will officiate. There are some more obscure ceremonies." Unable to help himself, he kissed her again, though he fought against the urgency in himself to take things further.

She didn't fight the desire at all and soon he was breaking away entirely. "You better get out before I break my word to Albus. Besides, we both need to rest." Not that I'm bloody likely to get much tonight anyway. A tremor shivered through him again.

"All right. Goodnight." Hermione pressed one more quick, hard kiss to his lips and with a wave of her wand toward herself, shimmered into invisibility.

*****

"So two down, four more to go." Hermione said after Harry finished telling her and Ron about Dumbledore destroying the Horcrux in Slytherin's ring.

"Yeah, and he thinks he knows where the next one is. He even promised to take me with him when he goes to retrieve it," Harry said.

Harry and Ron continued to discuss the issue, but Hermione sat back and considered the job ahead. If Dumbledore had nearly lost a hand to remove the ring's Horcrux, what would happen with the other four...never mind killing Voldemort. And what could the last few Horcruxes be? Dumbledore had explained the leader of the Death Eaters had tucked pieces of his soul into artifacts that had special meaning for him. The first destroyed had been Riddle's diary. Harry hadn't lost an appendage in that case, but Ginny had nearly died. So what would be the stakes in the next round? She shivered at the thought and was secretly glad that she would be kept abreast of everything going on, but could spend her time studying instead of being responsible for the destruction of the bits of Voldemort's soul.

She wondered if Dumbledore would tell her what spell he used on the ring.

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AN: I've been terribly remiss in not thanking the incredible admins for their help in getting my chapters up to snuff. I find I am correct-comma-usage impaired and they have been very patient as I try to learn the rules better. So a big thanks to: Soul Bound, Angel Mischa, Phoenix, amsev, RobisonRocket, and Southern_Witch_69