4: Confessions

Chapter 4: Confessions

Snape sat at his desk after the door shut behind Hermione and let out a long, steadying breath. It had taken all of his considerable control to put her away from him during their kiss. He hadn't paid attention to the girl over the years, not to her appearance in any case, but he had paid attention tonight. She had filled out in all the right places, and he could still feel the silky texture of her skin under his fingers. It made him crave more, even while he wondered how he had come to be touching her there at all. The urge to touch, to take more, had been so strong he hadn't realized how far things had gotten until he pulled away.

That thought unnerved him. He couldn't afford to forget himself, not even around her. Just because the Amoriata ensured their mutual lust, and interest in each other, did not mean Hermione was infallible. She had friends she might share certain things with, and the word could get around like wildfire in the small world of Hogwarts. His heart still beat a bit faster than usual, but he couldn't help resenting the potion, the enchantment, that forced him to feel something for the young woman...for regardless of what he'd said to her, after having his arms full of her, he couldn't deny she was a young woman and no longer a child. Now was an incredibly inopportune time for him to become involved with someone.

Especially a young, Muggle-born someone who was best friends with Harry Potter.

He didn't need to have someone more to worry about. One more thing to hide from the Dark Lord. How long would it last? How long before the crazy megalomaniac picked up a hint of his relationship with the young woman? And though she was legally now an adult...he had checked earlier that day, she'd turned seventeen months earlier...she was so young yet. Severus knew he couldn't survive this war, justice alone would demand his blood. Thanks to the interfering Weasley twins, he now had someone to leave behind. Someone to mourn him. If his death weren't the herald for her own, he would find comfort in the fact that someone would mourn him now. Someone beside the Headmaster...a man Severus knew he would have to kill before too much more time passed.

It took a great deal of will power not to rush to his rooms and reach for a bottle of Old Ogden's to dull the emotions crowding through him. This predicament was unbearable. He had spent too many years shielding himself from emotions and relationships to be tossed into this storm without reeling in shock.

He stood and stalked across the room, then doubled back to the desk again. There was no choice, he had to speak with the Headmaster. Severus needed to let him know. A voice inside Severus's head suggested he keep it a secret, just between himself and Hermione, but he knew he couldn't. If Dumbledore found out another way, the Order's spy would be in considerable trouble. Yet he longed to keep it secret, to hold his love close and . . . He shook his head to clear it of the sugary musings and headed toward the Headmaster's office. If he didn't tell the old man now, he might talk himself out of it.

The walk to the Headmaster's office was faster than usual, Severus was sure, and he arrived before he was ready. He didn't hesitate, however, but pushed his way up the stairs and knocked on the closed door.

"Come in," the Headmaster called.

Dumbledore was standing next to the window that looked out over the grounds, as though he had been interrupted mid pace. "Severus, I trust you are well. Have a seat. Would you care for some tea?"

"Firewhiskey would be more apt, but yes, tea will suffice." Snape took a seat in one of Dumbledore's squashy armchairs and waited while the tea was conjured and poured. Dozens of past Headmasters peered down on them from their picture frames, obviously anxious to hear why Severus had come to speak to Dumbledore.

"So, what has brought you here this evening?" Albus lifted the cup to his lips and blew across the top.

"I, dash it all." Severus set the cup back on the edge of the desk before he followed the urge to throw it into the fire and stood, striding over to the window. He turned back to face his mentor and gripped his hands together behind him. "Perhaps you have heard of the Weasley twins' true love chocolates? I believe they are a relatively new addition to their stores."

When Albus nodded that he knew of them, Severus launched into a full account of what had happened between himself and Hermione the previous evening, the letter she had gotten that morning and the research he had done on it during the day. He left off the bit about the snog session he and Hermione had enjoyed, though he didn't doubt the Headmaster understood enough to know that a line had been crossed there. Whether he spelled out their activities or not would depend on the Headmaster's response to what he now knew.

The silence lengthened between them for some time as they looked at one another. Albus stood and walked over to a silver Muggle perpetual-motion toy, started the balls rocking, then watched it until it slowed nearly to a stop. Severus had seen this behavior before and knew it meant the Headmaster was considering his response.

"You don't have to say anything, and I already feel like a chastened student. This is beginning to feel entirely too familiar, me coming into your office to admit I have found myself in an untenable situation. I know you won't like this revelation any more than the one of last summer." Severus found his voice dropping off at the end, ashamed, despite his lack of control this time. Almost more ashamed because he would repeat his evening's activities again and hoped to do so very soon. He touched the tip of his tongue to his lips in memory and could swear he still tasted Hermione on them.

"Oh, you are wrong there. I find this one much less disturbing than the previous discussion." Dumbledore looked over his shoulder and smiled slightly, but it didn't reach his eyes. "You finding your soul mate is considerably less disquieting to me than my impending death, even if the circumstances of the match are far from ideal."

Severus snorted at the understatement.

Albus turned back to the toy for a moment before beginning to speak. "The timing really is horrible."

"It could hardly be worse."

"It could be worse. This could have happened a couple years ago when Tom first returned to power. Explaining your Muggle-born soul mate would have been awkward. Not to mention that she would have been only fifteen at the time."

Severus ran both hands through his long hair in frustration. "Yes, that would have been worse. And please, I hardly need any reminders about how young she is. I already feel like a dirty old man."

A smile flit across the Headmaster's face before it became more serious. "What are the demands of the potion, Severus? How far must you take this?"

"It is believed that those affected can be satisfied for a time with handholding and kissing without venturing on to other waters. I do not know how long that will last before the compulsion to . . . push beyond those limits becomes unbearable." Severus didn't meet the Headmaster's eye. It was too awkward discussing his future sex life with a child...a student, he amended in his head, not a child.

The Headmaster nodded. "You will have to find a way to spend time together without drawing attention to yourselves. It wouldn't hurt to see if conversation alone will satisfy you to some degree. In fact, I highly encourage you to try this route. Letters, perhaps."

Letters my arse. The only letters she'll be getting from me are the ones I write on her skin with my tongue. The image of him spelling things out on various areas of her body sent his blood pressure soaring. He cleared his throat and forced his attention back to the Headmaster. "I'm not much given to conversation, Albus. Not even in the best of times. I'm afraid allowing her the outlet might lead to Miss Granger believing it was a free-for-all to ask questions to her dear heart's content." He said this last sentence with a degree of disgruntled amusement he had not even felt before, never mind felt appropriate to express.

He found her constant question irritating, exhausting, and stimulating all at once. Though he would never admit it, his soul mate was the most brilliant student to ever sit his class. In case the Headmaster decided he was growing soft, Severus added, "I have many other things to do with my time, both for my work here, and my work for you in other capacities."

"Yes, Tom does seem to be keeping you busy. But you will hardly be fit for these duties if you don't fulfill the potion's mandate. I do not approve of teacher/student relationships, no matter what the school charter says." Dumbledore's arms crossed over his chest, a frown forming on his face.

Severus ran that last bit through his head again. He had never heard anything like this breathed aloud, never mind detailed. "What exactly does the school charter say about teacher/student relationships?"

The old man's lips pursed together, as though sorry he had mentioned it. "The stipulation in the charter is that a romantic or physical relationship is prohibited between a staff member and student except in the case where a permanent commitment has been made. Very permanent. Binding, in fact."

Marriage. He's talking about marriage. He wants me to marry Hermione, and soon. I never planned to marry. "Binding? But Albus, the second it's registered..."

"You have lived a hard life, a dangerous one with little love, little companionship. I believe Miss Granger can provide both for you, if you give yourself a chance. There are ways to be bound that do not attract Ministry attention. I would encourage you to discuss this with Miss Granger and come up with a suitable date."

"And get myself killed on my next foray into the Dark Lord's presence? And where would that leave Potter's sidekick? Sure, she may live to fight the Dark Lord. She may even survive the odds, along with Potter, but her future will be short if I die. She's brilliant. How can I not feel responsible for her eventual death, knowing I am most likely to meet my own?"

Albus's eyes twinkled, though his face remained calm. "Don't die, Severus. Live. For the first time in your life you have a real reason to want to walk away from this battle beside the most basic survival instinct. Live for her, and for the future she could have, not only with you, but for herself. You are right, she is a very bright witch and deserves to have a chance to use her brain in the future."

Irritation ripped though him. "I didn't say she was bright, I said she was brilliant. And I'm afraid you're dealing with a lost cause. As though telling me to live will make it so." He snorted in disgust, then relented. Marriage. Married to Hermione. Sleeping beside Hermione. Waking beside Hermione. He pushed the thoughts away and focused again. "I will keep things on a semi-appropriate plane for as long as possible. When she is ready to take that step into something more, I will be sure to offer her what she deserves, regardless of the impossibility of her getting it from me long term." Relieved to have gotten off so easily, he wondered how he was to manage to keep physical contact to kisses for any reasonable stretch of time when he wanted so much more. He hadn't any clue.

"I may not be around a great deal longer to see this through. Don't put it off too long. You will eventually have to marry her anyway; the enchantment will demand it." Albus tipped his head and sent Severus a piercing look. "Just how fully did you explain all of the, er, side effects of this potion to Miss Granger?"

Severus froze in surprise for a fleeting second, then realized he should have known Albus would be aware of the final side effect. He spoke slowly and carefully, "Not as fully as I might have. I thought she had enough to be getting on with for now. I will apprise her of the final issues when I feel she is ready."

"She's not as breakable as you may think, Severus. It would be well for you to trust her. And don't be too long about the explanations, either. She won't appreciate it."

Severus nodded but didn't say anything in response. He hoped the subject was now closed.

"So all of the biscuits were dosed yesterday?" Dumbledore asked after a brief moment.

"I believe so, yes. I was thinking, sir, perhaps it would be a good idea for me to make a rather large batch of Anti-Conceptus and have the elves add it to the morning's pumpkin juice. I've no idea how many others may have been affected, but it would be a good idea to take measures in case some of those students are unprepared for the force of the chocolate's effects."

"Yes, good idea, and I'll increase prefects' rounds for the week. Some may be discouraged from certain behaviors that way."

Severus walked back to the desk and quickly drank his now-cold tea. "If there's nothing more, Headmaster."

"Just one more thing for you to think about. If certain events come to pass, this situation may provide a means for you to stay in touch with the Order. Whether she is officially a member of not, at least Miss Granger is privy to some secrets and understands your role. It wouldn't hurt to prepare her for certain eventualities. Harry may need your help to complete his mission as well."

"The boy hates me now, Albus. You can't think he's going to love me after . . . ."

Albus lifted one eyebrow and sent Severus a piercing look, one that clearly asked who was at fault if the boy hated him. Or perhaps that was the tiny shard of Severus's shattered conscience speaking. After a long moment of silence, Albus spoke, "He trusts Miss Granger. If she trusts you, your role can still be fulfilled."

Severus clenched his jaw and nodded, then let himself out of the office. He knew Dumbledore had a point, though he hated that the old man was pragmatic enough to think so clearly. The last thing Severus wanted to do was to help Potter...except that doing so was the best bet for defeating the Dark Lord. And while he could imagine only the worst kind of betrayal would even impact his feeling for Hermione, he knew she would see what he must do to and for the Headmaster as that kind of ultimate betrayal.

It doesn't bear thinking on, he told himself. What will be, will be. Now get to that potion making, unless you want half the students expelled for pregnancies.

The whole thing would be a secret, a formality to appease the school charter. A travesty when one considered the way a marriage should be. He may not have dared expect the kind of marriage he saw between the Weasleys, but that didn't stop this new, sappier part of him from wishing something like it could be his.

The original, non-sappy part of him wished he could cut his own heart out with a spoon and dispose of it. This enchantment was going to make his life a living Hell. As if it wasn't bad enough without the assistance.