13: The Aftermath

Chapter 13: The Aftermath

Hermione sat in the hospital wing by Bill's bed and listened to Harry describe what had happened on the tower.

"And Snape did it. The Avada Kedavra," Harry said.

Hermione already had her hands clasped over her mouth, but now she understood the anger and hatred she had felt emanating from Severus during the last few minutes of the fight. Except she didn't understand. She couldn't. Hermione felt her whole world drop away. As the phoenix song filled the air around them, she felt the bond with Severus strain, felt the shields he had put up weaken so she felt the unrestrained pain, anger, disgust, worry, fear, anguish.

Anguish overpowering and unrelenting.

Silence surrounded the group until Professor McGonagall entered and Harry gave her the rundown of events. Every word impugning Severus's honor was acid in Hermione's stomach. Still, she couldn't protest, the events spoke for themselves. When she told them all what had happened at Flitwick's office door, and Remus told her Severus would have killed them if she or Luna had interfered, she wanted to scream out that they were wrong. Severus would never have hurt her.

Of course, he may have stupefied her. He certainly would have done all in his power to stop her from joining the fight. She wondered that he hadn't done so anyway. But then she would have been unable to protect herself from the other Death Eaters, and Flitwick...wasn't he a dueling champion? He would have been a formidable threat, indeed. If Severus was really fighting for Voldemort, he would want the Charms professor out of commission.

The thoughts flew through her mind as she tried to disassociate herself from her own feelings of anguish and those of her soul mate at the same time. Then the Weasleys and Fleur were running into the hospital room, conversation bantered back and forth and Tonks and Lupin's relationship came out. It was a blessed distraction, and Hermione fought to stay in the discussion. There would be time for her grief later.

When Harry accompanied Professor McGonagall out of the hospital room, Hermione paused for a moment with the others, then made her way to the Gryffindor common room with Ron and Ginny. They might not reopen the school, she thought. How will I get to my N.E.W.T.s? The worry was completely pointless at this time, but she had to have something to focus on besides the pain of betrayal in her chest.

She said goodbye to Ron and Ginny in the common room and went straight to her room. Thankfully, it was empty. The whole of Gryffindor house seemed to be gathered in the common room right now. Hermione stripped from her uniform and slid into a nightgown. Then she climbed onto her bed and pulled out her diary. Still, she only stared at the book on her lap. He said he would carry it on him, but did he grab it before leaving his rooms?

What would she say anyway? Why did you destroy my faith in you? You're right, I do hate you. How can I love a man who is so evil? Why the overwhelming anguish? What do you have to mourn?

She began sobbing, that last thought was all she needed to let loose as she tried to make sense of the night's events.

*****

Severus collapsed when he Apparated to the Dark Lord's side, his back and shoulders bleeding from hippogriff wounds. Hate and anger still flowed through him from the words Potter had thrown at him. Twice the boy had called Severus a coward, bringing out his innate hate of the word, his self loathing at what the word could bring him to do. He had to hold back the retching that threatened to overtake him...an illness brought on by his wounds and the self-loathing he felt for his actions against Dumbledore.

So much for the niggling hope Draco wouldn't get the others to the school. If only Draco's efforts had been complete failures. Then again, even a complete failure would have forced Severus to act. But then maybe he could have done so covertly, and not brought the rage of the Order...no, the entire wizarding world, on his head.

"Rise, Severus." The Dark Lord's voice brooked no argument, and Severus summoned his strength to stand, head bowed.

"Yes, my Lord."

The snake/man turned his gaze toward the white, frightened form of Draco and tapped his wand against his other hand. "Draco, report."

The whole story came out from the beginning of summer to that evening. Malfoy glossed over his own failures and inadequacies, but he was facing the second best Legilimens in the world. Or rather, the man who was the best Legilimens in the world, now that Albus was dead. Severus knew the boy's failure would be punished heavily, but hoped the boy would be allowed to live.

Each of the other Death Eaters were given a chance to report in turn. Severus was last...a fact for which he was thankful. It had taken all his strength to block Hermione from his head, to put up his Occlumency shields so carefully they wouldn't be detected.

"Severus, do you have anything to add? I wish to know why you completed the task I set for young Malfoy."

Keeping his eyes lowered, Severus slid into his guise of obsequious obedience. "My Lord, his mother feared he would not be strong enough. She and Bellatrix Lestrange requested I assist him if it turned out he was unable to complete the task. When I arrived at the top of the tower, it was clear his courage had failed. Since you wanted Dumbledore gone anyway, I took it upon myself. Without the old man, the Order of the Phoenix will turn to chaos. Potter will falter without his beloved leader." At this Severus sneered. The boy was far from ready to face the Dark Lord. Their fight on the school grounds that night had been more than adequate proof.

"Agreed. You have been forced to break your cover, however. For that the boy must pay. For that and his cowardice."

The fear coming from Draco was palpable. Severus wondered if the brat had ever realized what being a minion of the Dark Lord truly meant before this moment. Severus knew he had required a similar situation to open his own eyes.

Stoic, not allowing a bit of his emotion to show on his face, Severus watched the youngest Malfoy be punished for his weakness and disobedience. He didn't let down his guard, knowing the crazed leader was not finished with him either.

Finally the others were dismissed and Severus stood alone before his master. "Severusss. What does this mean for your project concerning the Mudblood?"

"She trusted me implicitly. Perhaps I can still convince her to trust me. If I am allowed to disclose the nature of my vow concerning Malfoy, perhaps her weak sympathies may be appealed to. She thinks herself in love with me and has told me she would choose me over Potter, should the decision be required of her. We do not want her to make such a clear choice yet; she is far more useful in Potter's camp for now."

"Very good. I am pleased with your progress with the chit. See what you can do to get back into her good graces."

Allowing his back and shoulder muscles to loosen a bit, Severus let out a low breath. It was a moment too soon to relax, however.

"But, as punishment for taking this vow without my consent or permission." The Dark Lord lifted his wand at Severus.

"My Lord, I had little choice, Bellatrix and Narcissa–"

"Silence! They will make their payment as well. Crucio!"

*****

In her dorm room, Hermione curled up in the middle of her bed, sobbing as she felt the pain coming across Severus, lasting on and on. She felt his agony and despair.

It seemed to go on forever, but when it stopped, Hermione realized it had only been a few minutes, maybe five. She lay in a ball, shaking, shuddering from the aftershocks, though the pain had been no more than a sensation of pervading discomfort. She knew Severus would suffer for a long while from the aftereffects. Even if he did have his potion.

She hoped he put a store away wherever he would be hiding from the Ministry.

In the next moment she realized again what an impossible situation she was in. How could she be so angry with him, feel so betrayed, and still worry about his comfort? It was those Weasley twins' fault. They would surely pay.

She waited for her breathing to slow to a normal rate, then wiped the tears from her face. Grabbing her wand from her nightstand, she charmed her curtains closed, then opened her diary.

Several minutes passed as she stared at the blank page before her. Finally she lifted the quill, dipped it in ink, and wrote one single word that summed it all up.

Why?

*****

"Why indeed, Hermione."

Severus had returned to his home at Spinner's End as soon as he was released from the Dark Lord's residence and immediately took healing draughts and his Cruciatus calmer, then took an excruciating shower to clean up after the hypogriff that attacked as he left school grounds. Now he was lying in bed with the journal open before him, his door warded against intrusion...in case the Dark Lord sent Wormtail to spy on him again.

"What answer do I give, love? The truth with a twist, cleaned up to be palatable? The truth unadulterated? A complete lie?" Not that he could lie to her. Not really. For this to work she had to have the truth, or a very close approximation thereof. Thankfully the truth was something that would calm her, not upset her more.

Probably.

Why what? Why did I take the Mark in the first place? Why did I turn from the Dark Lord? Why did I kill the Headmaster today? Why do I sit here with the diary open on my lap and hope you are still there, still waiting for an answer. That when I have told you everything, you will believe me? He sat back and hoped she would respond somehow, even an ink drop to let him know she was looking at the diary.

Yes. To all of it. But most especially the events of today, tonight, last night. The morning is near. I wrote my question forever ago, it seems. Lavender and Parvati have both come up since and fallen to sleep. I envy their ability to sleep after the night that has passed, or nearly passed.

What? After everything that happened tonight, you expect me to trust you? Be alone with you? The words smeared slightly and he knew she was crying. He could feel her anger, confusion, mourning, and loss. He shared those emotions.

You trusted me this morning. You awoke in my arms this morning, warm and willing and pliant.

You weren't a murderer this morning.

He paused at that and considered again how much honesty was required. Then decided in for a penny, in for a pound. Yes, I was.

*****

Yes, he was? What was that supposed to mean? Hermione sat and stared at the words, unable to believe her eyes. Had her soul mate just admitted to having killed before tonight? Intellectually she had known it was likely, but that didn't stop it from being a shock hearing it from him now.

Apparently the pause was too long for him because words began appearing on the page again. I'm not proud of it, but I can't lie to you. I wasn't always reformed. The only difference between who I am now and who I was this morning is the bit of my soul that tore away on the Astronomy tower. I haven't been whole in a long time. Since before you were born. But again, that is a discussion for a face-to-face meeting. Wife.

Wife, that was right. She seemed to have forgotten that small detail. She was married to him. How can I be married to someone who is so... She paused, unsure what to write.

Evil, flawed, misguided, hateful, abusive, wasted,

Stop it! Stop denigrating yourself. Just stop! His words stared back at her on the page and she felt his torment. I love you, Severus Snape.

No. You are like a light in the darkness. I could never deserve you. Uggh, I hate this connection between us. I hate that I love you when life would be so much easier if it were only lust. Or better yet, if there were nothing between us at all. I hate this feeling of having lost control of my feelings. I hate that I feel compelled to see you, speak with you, hold you in my arms. And that because of that need, I had to share our relationship with the Dark Lord so he could share my memories of you.

She let a long pause pass while to she took in his last sentence. It appears we really do need to get together to talk. When and where?

She felt his relief through the bond and they made plans for the evening the day after Dumbledore's funeral, whenever that was set. She didn't know how she would arrange to meet with him, but one way or another, she had to see him.

One more thing. You need to send a message to McGonagall. They need a new secret keeper for Headquarters right away. Thankfully the Dark Lord didn't think to ask me for the location tonight, but it won't be long before he realizes his error.

Of course. Right away. Goodnight.

Goodnight.

She waited another minute, watching to see if he might come up with something else to say. As much as anything, she didn't want to put the diary away, to close the lines of communication, even if her mind was shutting down after all.

She lifted her wand, thought of waking in Severus's arms that morning, and sent her Patronus shooting through the school to the Headmistress to remind her of Headquarters. In the morning, she would follow up.

She was asleep in minutes.

*****

"Thank you, Miss Granger, for your concern," the new Headmistress said when she came across Hermione in the Great Hall the next afternoon. "Lupin had the same concern and we had just completed it when your reminder arrived."

"Oh, good. I did try to think of the place this morning, and couldn't so I figured . . . When will we be told? And who?" Hermione wanted to keep things as cryptic as possible in case someone around them were to overhear. She was anxious to sit down to lunch, as she had slept through breakfast that morning, but the information was more important.

"You'll be told where before the train leaves." McGonagall looked as though she hadn't slept the previous night. There were circles under her eyes and her hair was a bit unsettled. Even her plaid tartan was a bit askew.

Hermione nodded and released the Headmistress to deal with the other hundred things that must have been on her mind. For herself, she was still reeling from the previous twenty-four hours' events and wanted more time to consider them. Parvati was already gone. Her parents had shown up that morning and pulled both twins from school. Many other students were sure to follow. Hermione hoped her parents missed their reading of the Daily Prophet today. They were bound to be sick at the news.

For once she wished her parents weren't so interested in her world. Hermione took a seat next to Ginny and began loading her plate.

"Decided to get up, then?" Harry asked.

"Yeah, I have some things to look up in the library."

"I have something more for you to check out. Since classes have been cancelled." Harry passed her a note that had been rolled up and scrunched tiny. She opened it and read the note that had come inside the locket he and Dumbledore had picked up the previous night. R.A.B. "We need to know who that is."

"I'll see what I can do." She would look into it, but she wanted to do some checking into another matter first.

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Thanks for your reviews. Also, for anyone who didn't recognize it, there were a couple of sentences taken verbatim from HBP in the first of this chapter. It was JK Rowling's genius, I just had the fun of changing the perspective.

Also, thanks to Southern_Witch_69 for her corrections.