27: Coming Clean

Chapter 27: Coming Clean

When she entered the library at Headquarters the next morning, Hermione saw Lupin already seated on the sofa. He looked up when she shut the door behind her, warded it, then did a spell to verify she and Lupin were the only people in the room. She placed an imperturbable charm on the door to make sure no one could hear in and then set the rucksack on a nearby chair.

Now that she was facing him, Hermione wasn't sure what to say. How did she explain about her and Severus? Would he believe her? Though she hated to admit it, she didn't blame him for reacting the way he had; under different circumstances she would have acted exactly the same way. She wished she could put the whole confrontation off for another decade or so, but didn't have much choice in the matter. She wet her lips, then straightened her shoulders. "I suppose you want it from the beginning?"

"That would be helpful, yes. Though you shouldn't count on my seeing it the way you want." His eyes were hard and wary, and frown lines bracketed his mouth in addition to the furrows in his brow. He looked like he had hardly slept the previous night.

Hermione ran a hand through her unruly curls, not sure how to deal with all of this. Their relationship wasn't supposed to come out this way. None of her life was supposed to turn out like this. "If you aren't willing to listen with an open mind then there's little point in my being here."

"There's plenty of point in your being here. I have questions I need answered. Just start at the beginning and work your way forward. Be sure to include who and how much they know about your relationship. I want it all."

Hermione settled on the sofa and clasped her hands in her lap. "If I'm going to answer all your questions then we'll have to go back much farther than this past March when we were dosed with the potion. Do you remember the conversation we all had in the hospital after the Headmaster was attacked? How Harry said Dumbledore trusted Severus because he was sorry about the Potters' deaths?" He nodded sharply, and Hermione continued on, "That wasn't the only reason he trusted Severus."

Casting back her memory to the things she and Severus had discussed that morning, the details he had left out of his original recitation, she carefully put it together, laying it out for him. "When he approached the Headmaster about switching sides, the Headmaster required him to take an Unbreakable Vow to follow his orders and to be completely honest with the Headmaster about his movements in relation to the Order's objectives."

"Well, obviously he left a few things out."

"If that were true, Severus would now be dead. Last summer he was approached by Narcissa Malfoy and Bellatrix Lestrange where he was cornered into taking a second Unbreakable Vow. In it he was forced to agree to protect Draco, assist him, and to complete the task Voldemort had given Draco if he was unable to complete it. Draco's assignment was to kill Albus Dumbledore."

Remus's face twitched and his hands clenched until they were white. "You are only taking his word for it, like the naïve, love-sick child you are."

"Taking pokes at me isn't going to get you your answers, Remus." It was all Hermione could do not to retaliate about how hard-headed he was being. "There are a few things you need to understand about the soul mate bond, but we'll get to those in a minute. Shortly after his conversation with the Black sisters, Severus visited the Headmaster and told him what had happened. The Headmaster considered his words, calculated the odds and then ordered Severus to carry on with his vow."

"He's a liar. You have only his word for it. How could you know?" His agitation was only increasing.

"I know because I know. Part of the bond between soul mates is that I can feel his emotions, and he can feel mine. I know when he is prevaricating, if he's being untruthful or hiding something from me. And he can tell the same for me."

He lunged forward to grab her arm when she rose in irritation. Before his fingers had a chance to clamp down, he released her and all but fell back with a gasp of surprised pain. Hermione felt only the slightest ripple of magic swirl over his skin. "What was that?" he asked, looking at his hand, which was red as if it had been exposed to extreme heat.

"He was a bit put out that you left bruises on me yesterday, so he ensured it wouldn't happen again. I didn't tell him it was you or you would undoubtedly be dead now." Her eyes narrowed on him. "Obviously you aren't willing to listen to the story with an open mind."

"I couldn't have left bruises on you," he said, sitting back on his sofa with a blink of surprise, or maybe it was self-denial.

Wordlessly Hermione lifted her sleeve and showed him the livid marks his fingers had left on her the previous day.

"Hermione, I'm sorry, I would never..."

"Right. Can we get on with this? I really don't have all day, and I don't want to hear your excuses. If you aren't going to listen with an open mind, we're both wasting our time here. The only reason I came to you with his messages was because I figured you would be the most open minded of all the Order members. Perhaps I was wrong." She stood to leave and he jumped up. She wondered if he would have lunged to restrain her if he hadn't already learned his lesson. When his voice called out and a flash of orange light hit the door, locking it from her exit, she supposed she shouldn't be surprised.

"I'll try to be open minded about this, Hermione. Please, if nothing else, I'd like to understand your relationship with him better and to understand this bond between you. I gathered the Headmaster was upset about the Weasley twins putting that stuff in the biscuits, but there was little explanation of it at the time. None of my books had a reference when I started looking into it after your evening with Severus the other week."

Turning, holding her face as impassive as she could while she was tempted to do a jig that he was finally ready to listen, she nodded, then returned to her seat. He sat across from her, and Hermione continued. "I can feel all of his strongest emotions, as well as a ghost of any severe pain he experiences. When he receives the Cruciatus Curse from Voldemort I can tell. The pain isn't severe for me, but there is significant discomfort. More than once he has tried to tell me a half truth, or lie outright and I have called him on it. I know his feelings."

"Do you feel everything?"

"When we're touching, I can feel everything with little effort. At our current distance, I can feel his strongest feelings without effort, and his more middle-strength feelings with a fair amount of focus. I'm not sure I catch all of the minor currents at any real distance though. And I wouldn't trust myself to be sure of his honesty or lack thereof at any great distance.

"There are real advantages to this emotion sharing. It means I really know what he's feeling, he can't pretend or falsify them. That has demanded a fair amount of honesty and directness from him. It also means I can't hide from him. If I'm angry or upset I can't hide it away; he knows about it, and if he hurts me with something he says, he knows it right away. It takes away a bit of our autonomy. That's not always an advantage." She scrubbed the hair back from her face with both hands, trying to find the right words to convince him.

"There are times I wished I could have my feelings to myself, and I'm sure he would say the same. Most of the time, however, it's nice to know I'm not misunderstanding his feelings because of a visual wall. Severus is just full of visual walls...fronts he puts on to hide what he really thinks or feels. It's a good skill for a spy, but does tend to prevent one from forming close relationships."

"So you always know how he feels?" Remus sat with his elbows on his knees, leaned in and focused on her words. Thankfully he seemed far more open to listen.

"When I'm working on something, I can usually relegate it to the back of my mind, or if he's sleeping, I don't hear him most of the time. But for the most part he's there in my head. It was really distracting at first, but once I realized what was going on, I was able to differentiate between his feelings and my own.

"The other really important aspect about it is that killing him really does mean my doom. Something in the potion ties us to each other. If I don't see him, talk with him, touch him on a regular basis, I start to get jittery, anxious. I snap at people over little things and have difficulty focusing on the things in front of me. If I can even write him letters regularly and receive his replies, I'm able to hold back these effects for a little longer, but if kept apart from him, I will eventually get desperate."

She took a deep breath and let it out long and low. She hated discussing this aspect of the enchantment as it was totally depressing. "If he dies, the bond doesn't die with him, but rather I will begin to pine until I go crazy and eventually die. Most statistics show people affected usually live less than a year. A few...very few...have survived over four years, but their last several years of life were ghastly, filled with madness and requiring restraint."

"So if I killed him you would die soon after. That was what you meant when you said you would be mad with grief if I killed him. It was literal." Comprehension seemed to dawn on him.

"Yes. Life literally won't be worth living for me if he dies. And if he goes to Azkaban, the same result can be expected. We'll both die in a short period of time." She looked away, unable to meet his eye when she felt so much pain at the thought of losing Severus. "So you understand why I was so angry with the twins, playing with my life like it was a game. Severus has promised to do his best to survive all of this, but he acknowledges freely that it's unlikely to happen. I have too many dreams to meet my end so young, but I can't imagine even trying to live without him. If Voldemort dies in the process, it will be worth it, but I'd far rather live a hundred or more years with Severus by my side."

Remus stood and walked a couple circuits of the room, his face impassive, the silence all but shouting at her. When he finally returned to his seat, he turned to face her. "So you're saying Dumbledore ordered Severus to kill him."

"For the long-term good of the Order. The Headmaster was already dying from the wound he received last summer, the one that caused his hand to wither. He figured his demise was less important than the Order continuing to receive information."

"Dobby, come here." Remus snapped his fingers and the elf appeared to the side of the coffee table separating Hermione from Remus.

"Yes, sir, what does sir and Harry's friend need?" Dobby asked.

"I believe Miss Granger and I would both like some refreshment, if you could bring us something, please."

"Right away, sir." Dobby brightened right up, his tea-cozy covered head bobbing as he disappeared.

"When did Dobby arrive?" Hermione asked, grateful for the suggested refreshment as she realized her mouth was getting dry. She didn't bother to wonder how the house-elf had made it through the combined wards she and Remus had put up...nothing seemed to keep house-elves out.

"Last week he came looking for a new home. Said he was bored at the castle without the students there, and McGonagall said he could work elsewhere for the summer and return in the fall if he liked. Besides," he put on a wan grin, "Harry Potter owns this house, and Dobby would do anything for Harry."

Hermione had to smile in return at that comment.

The elf appeared in the room again with a tray full of tiny sandwiches, tea and chocolate biscuits. "Thank you, Dobby." Hermione was grateful for the meal since her own breakfast was long gone from her system. Her stomach was tied in knots, so she wasn't sure how much she would manage to eat, but she knew her body needed something.

Dobby bowed to both of them and disappeared again. Without waiting to be invited to eat, Hermione poured herself a cup of tea and picked up a tiny sandwich.

"And your relationship, how did it come about?" Remus asked when he had poured his own cup of tea.

"That evening, after eating the biscuits." She briefed him on the basic events of that evening and their realization of what had happened. She mentioned Severus talking with the Headmaster, and after a brief hesitation, she admitted to the ultimatum that was offered to them. Severus had told her she could tell Remus if he calmed down enough to be reasonable. And, she admitted to herself, she wanted someone else to know everything. With the Headmaster dead, no one had been aware of the nature of her relationship. She figured she might need Remus's backing if others picked on her for living in sin.

"So you married him then?" Remus asked, lifting his eyebrows at her.

Hermione touched her thumb to her ring and whispered the incantation the Headmaster had told her would reveal the ring. "Have been for nearly four months. Voldemort knows about our relationship, more or less, but he can't know of our marriage, that I've been soul mated to Severus or anyone else, or that I am more than the naïve fool Severus has managed to make me appear. It would mean both of our deaths, and I mean that literally whether the evil man could physically reach me or not. It makes our position very precarious, and my place in the Order, or lack of place in the Order, difficult for him."

Lupin's eyes narrowed and his face hardened. "If you're telling me you have shared Order business with Severus Snape, Hermione, you have some serious explaining to do."

Hermione interrupted him, raising her voice to be louder than his. "I haven't told him anything about what's going on in the meetings. Couldn't have anyway since I'm not a member...yet. I haven't even told him about our special project, though he has assisted us indirectly." It was technically the truth, since she hadn't told him about the project...he'd already known.

"I just don't understand. How could you love him? I'm not sure I can believe he hasn't found a way to trick you."

"Oh, please, Remus, what choice did I have? It's not like I went out of my way to find out if he was the one. It happened, we can't change it. It's over. He could have killed me well over a dozen times since school got out. He could have had half the Order killed off, in fact. He knows who most of you are; he was well placed to give Voldemort everything he wanted on a platter. Why do you suppose you, the Weasleys, Tonks, Moody, and everyone else, are still alive?"

"Tonks." He closed his eyes as if the thought of her being hurt terrified him more than anything else.

"In fact, instead of making sure you all die long, horrible deaths, he has given me information on several occasions that has allowed us to capture Death Eaters and save lives. How do you explain that if he's working for the other side? It took hours after Dumbledore's death for this place to be resecured, but he didn't rush off to Voldemort first thing and share that secret. He even told me to remind Professor McGonagall to make sure a new Fidelius was cast. I sent the Patronus at his request."

Remus threaded both hands through his hair in a look of frustration. His face was screwed up in confusion, still struggling to slot everything into place. "But he's a murderer."

"Yes, just as you would have been if you had killed Wormtail back in my third year. But the end justified the means to you, and though he still doubts whether that was true in his case, he did as he had to."

"It's hardly the same thing, considering what Wormtail did to James and Lily, Sirius, and all those Muggles."

"Granted, but that doesn't change the fact that you would have become a murderer if things had gone differently. I need you to think this over, to promise to keep it to yourself until I tell you differently. Eventually it may become necessary for us to share the truth with more people, but that time isn't yet."

Remus sat for a long moment while Hermione pretended interest in a second sandwich. She was nearly through it when he spoke. "Fine, I need some time to think things through. I won't share any of this with anyone else until I've discussed it with you."

Hermione stood, the tension melting from her shoulders. It wasn't the unequivocal acceptance she would have liked, but it was a willingness to consider her words. She took a last drink of her tea and then said goodbye.

******

I'm exhausted just from trying to deal with Remus. Don't worry, he seemed to calm down after a bit, and I think he's going to accept things . . . eventually. In the mean time I gave him something to think over. And I'm ready for a good night's sleep. Wish you were here to snuggle up with.

Hermione set her diary aside, still opened, and marveled that it was still less than halfway full. It must have been enchanted, in more ways than one, or she would have filled it up months earlier.

It was true that she was thoroughly exhausted. Trying to keep her emotions level when dealing with an angry werewolf and knowing that his reaction could make or break the situation with the Order was wearing on her. If Remus didn't accept her and Severus, and couldn't look past what had happened, she couldn't see how anyone else would.

Even if Remus came to her later that day and said she was brilliant and there was nothing he'd like to do more than to accept Severus back into the bosom of the Order...and that was about as likely as feeling happy around a Dementor...she still had to eventually convince the others not to hex Severus on sight.

She wasn't looking forward to the idea of dealing with Harry someday. He had hated Severus from the first day of class six years earlier. Not that she could blame him. Severus had picked on him in class for no reason other than his name. Still, she wished both wizards could put away their animosity for five minutes and work together instead of fighting each other. Until Ron found himself as wrapped up in someone else as Hermione was in Severus, she could be sure his response would be as bad or worse than Harry's.

A glance at the open pages showed new writing appearing below her own. She smiled and rolled over to look at the book.

Couldn't expect much more. I didn't expect things to go that well, actually. He's only the first hurdle, however. Wish Albus were here to smooth things over. Even if the Boy-Who-Lived didn't hate my guts, how many people will really take his word that I'm not going to blast them all in their beds? As if I couldn't do that now anyway. You seem to have gotten everyone's respect somehow. Can't figure out how, silly little Gryffindor that you are. Plenty going on here. Let me tell you the news.

He went on for several paragraphs, outlining the newest developments, then mentioning that they needed to talk face to face soon. She made notes on anything she thought might be helpful for the Order and prepared to send the information in a letter to Remus that night. Then she wrote a closing note teasing him back about his Slytherin prejudices. They had broken down the house-bias barrier months earlier. She took his comment as a form of endearment.

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AN A big thanks to my beta, countrymouse, and the admin RobisonRocket for correcting my problems.