Chapter 4
Chapter 4 of 18
livvy6As suspicions rise, Hermione becomes more determined to keep her secret, which culminates into a tragic disaster.
ReviewedA/N: I am so humbled by all the reviews I have received. The honesty shared by some of you have touched me deeply. I hope this story will bring you some healing and understanding. I want to also thank my beta, Shellsnapeluver, who has walked me through each chapter. She is a true gem!
***
That evening, Madam Pomfrey watched Hermione as the younger witch ate her dinner. The mediwitch usually didn't take her dinner in the Great Hall; there usually were too many patients in the infirmary for her to get away so early. Most evenings she had a tray brought to her by the house-elves in her office. However, this evening she had been very concerned with Miss Granger's pallor and gait as she had left the infirmary for dinner. Madam Pomfrey had wanted to question her further about the night she had disappeared. Dumbledore had held a staff meeting with all four heads of houses and herself. She knew that Miss Granger had nearly been raped and that Severus Snape had been present to witness it. The young witch had rope burns on her wrists and ankles. She had healed her burns easily enough, but Miss Granger had remained stubbornly silent when she tried to urge her to talk more about what had happened.
Poppy pursed her lips into a thin line as she recalled the headmaster's directive on not talking about the event. She felt it had been an error on Dumbledore's part. She had watched her patient walk out of her care still pale and uneasy as she had entered it. The mediwitch observed Miss Granger as she ravenously ate a very rare steak. The mediwitch's brows furrowed. Something is wrong! I don't give a damn anymore about what the headmaster thinks! I'm going to get to the bottom of this! Poppy thought. She would speak with Severus immediately.
***
Professor Snape was pouring himself another glass of pumpkin juice when he caught Poppy Pomfrey eyeballing him.
What in the world is she about? he thought, irritated. She never comes to have dinner here!
He resumed eating his dinner, having decided to ignore Poppy's glare. He took a bite of potatoes when the thought came into his head that maybe there had been a problem with the latest patch of potions he had given her last week. Well, if that's the issue, she needs to just come over, talk to me, and stop glowering at me like a misbehaving first-year! he thought meanly.
Soon, Madam Pomfrey stood, and Snape watched out of the corner of his eye as the mediwitch made her way to his side.
He rolled his eyes as he took a stab at his asparagus. Why couldn't people have the courtesy to wait until after dinner to deal with minor annoyances!
"Professor Snape," she said tersely as she stood behind him at the Head Table.
"Yes, Poppy," he said with a sigh as he laid down his fork. There would be no finishing his meal this night! He knew that tone in her voice only too well.
"I must speak with you immediately about the health of a student. I fear it is most urgent!" she said curtly.
That's unexpected! he thought. His expression softened. "Of course," he murmured and left his dinner to follow her to the infirmary. He wondered why on earth a mediwitch would need his opinion on the health of one of her patients?
Damn and blast! Who got whom pregnant? he thought angrily as he strode into the infirmary right behind Poppy.
He looked around the room, searching for the emergency...for the patient, for that matter...as all the beds were empty. He looked at her with a mixture of frustration and confusion. "Where is the patient?" he asked, annoyed that she had interrupted his dinner for a lark.
Madam Pomfrey stood straight and tall. "She is not here any longer. However, I need to speak with you about her condition," she said crisply.
"You couldn't have waited until I was finished with dinner?" he snapped at her.
She gave him one of her infamous glowers. "Severus, please have a seat in my office," she said icily.
She sat behind her desk, and he took a seat across from her, waiting for her to tell him what was so damn important.
His impatience must have been evident. She went right into her speech with a clipped tone.
"Severus, I had Miss Granger brought to me by Minerva this afternoon." She raised her hand, knowing very soon he was going to start interjecting and went on ahead.
"Now, I know what happened the night Miss Granger was taken from Hogsmeade. I also know the headmaster does not wish for us to discuss the matter. Nevertheless, I feel I must! I know that you were there that night, and I thought perhaps you could shed some light as to her condition."
She paused for him to absorb her words.
When he remained silent, she continued. "Miss Granger was very tight-lipped about what had happened to her when I healed her burns. I had wanted to give her a full examination that very morning, but the headmaster said it wasn't necessary. However, after what I witnessed today, I feel I must insist on it. Miss Granger came in here this afternoon pale and short of breath. She was frail and weak, and when I gave her a Pepper-up Potion, she had an adverse reaction. She actually fell asleep! Then, later at dinner tonight, she ate an extremely rare steak. Either she's with child or a werewolf!"
She sat back in her chair and folded her arms across her chest. "Now, is there something I need to know, Severus, before I examine her?" she asked impatiently. "I don't want to walk into this with my eyes closed, and Miss Granger isn't exactly being forthright these days! Has she been violated or bitten?" she asked shrilly.
"Sounds like Lycanthropy," Severus said worriedly. "However, we would know if she had been attacked." A signal went off in his brain. What if Greyback bit her that night? No, he had seen no puncture marks or wounds on her. Moreover, that animal would have ripped her to shreds before releasing her once he had been allowed a taste. Nonetheless, he may have been ordered to only bite her in a discreet location on her body. It wasn't as if he got a close-up look upon every part of her body!
He resumed his detached demeanor. "Well, it seems she is in need of Blood-Replenishing Potion. I agree with you. Her ravenous eating, the rare steak, weakness, paleness, all point to that," he replied. He turned to leave and then stopped and looked at her thoughtfully. "Poppy, I can honestly say I have no idea as too the reason behind Miss Granger's condition. She should have been given a complete physical. All I can say is this: Miss Granger is a virgin. I Portkeyed her away with me before she could have been raped. My suspicion would be Lycanthropy. Look for any suspicious bite marks. I will send her up to you."
"Very well, Severus," she said in satisfaction as he walked out of her office.
Severus was concerned. He knew he had been very cruel and viciously malevolent towards her. He just could not handle what had happened that terrible night in the field. He knew he had been unforgivably abusive and crippling with his words. He actually felt relief when Andromeda had slapped him. He had deserved it. He had deserved to have his bollocks hexed off! However, Miss Granger had not retaliated. He was now at a loss as to why.
But then she had the nerve to show up in his class looking like a siren! As if she needed those stupid cosmetics to make her pretty. She was gorgeous without a drop of make-up! He had already been feeling like dirt because of the way his body reacted to seeing her naked and tied up in that field. The deviant and dark part of him wanted to tear right into her and take her virginity for himself to enjoy. However, his honorable side was greater, and he was repulsed by the display in front of him...but, oh, not her, and had cursed himself for the erection in his pants while she had lain there debased and humiliated. Then, to make things worse, his conscience had slipped, and he found himself unable to resist running his hand down her body. He had nearly lost his control. He had never known she had hidden such a mature body under her robes. God, he wanted her, and he hated himself for it!
The day she had walked into his class looking so fetching and lovely, he had been terrified. Had she been trying to prove to him that he was a liar, calling her ugly? He felt his body react strongly to her beauty. He had not been able to get her out of his head. He knew now the body that was hidden underneath her robes. Until that night, he had never allowed himself to fantasize or dwell on her for any length of time. After all, she was his student! It did not matter she was eighteen. There were rules, and certain rules must never be broken. But, all of a sudden, she was a woman. Her naked body was full, luscious, and his for the taking. He had remembered she was already of legal age, which was the reason for her induction into the Order, but she had continued to wear those damn school robes around him and had continued to call him Professor! He didn't want that. He wanted a woman, a real woman with a mature woman's mind to match the body. He had already noticed she was very adult in her mind. However, as long as she wore those robes and called him professor, she could never be a woman to him.
Then in an instant, it had all fallen apart, and he had found himself staring at her naked body lustfully. There had been no school uniform, no endless questioning. He had only seen the woman she had become as he had stared at her full breasts, rounded hips, and the thick patch of hair between her legs. His mouth had watered as he had reached down to glide his hands down her body. Now he was dreaming of her every night and masturbating to the image of her underneath him as he brought her to orgasm again and again. He imagined the way she would call out his name and the sweet sounds she would make as he took her gently over and over.
He had to stop this desire, this longing, this awareness his body now had for her. She could never know how much he wanted her, so he had turned malicious and angry. Yet, she had remained passive and unaware of the motive behind his cruelty. He had seen how she had crumbled before him, but he could not have afforded to care or show his concern...he still couldn't.
Besides, he was still so angry that she had cost him his place in Voldemort's court, which meant his very existence was now useless, his purpose lost. His Mark had indeed begun to burn, but a special localized numbing spell had dulled the pain and had made it just an unbearable pain, instead of the excruciating, gut-searing pain to which he had become accustomed.
***
After dinner, Hermione was on her way back to her dorm when Professor Snape stopped her. He materialized out of nowhere, as usual, startling her. As she tried to calm her breathing, he began to yell at her for not finishing her potion.
"Miss Granger," he began as his eyes bore into hers, "I just spoke with Madam Pomfrey. If you would take more care of your body instead of whiling away your time on frivolous and superficial matters, such as, making sure your lipstick is on correctly, I wouldn't have had my class, or my dinner, interrupted! Because of your selfishness, I've had my entire day disrupted, and you have received a zero for failing to finish your work. I do hope it was worth it," he finished with a sneer.
"Now," he said nastily. "I want you to return to the infirmary. Madam Pomfrey wants to examine you. You look like hell! I expect for you to never disrupt my class again because of your worthless, idiotic notions of beauty! Have I made myself clear?" he barked.
"Yes, sir," she whispered as he whirled away, leaving her standing alone in the hallway.
She stood there angry and furious as the words of Professor Snape resounded in her mind. She decided not to go back to the infirmary. She had no intention of having Madam Pomfrey discover her secret. After she had been chewed out by Professor Snape, she was desperate to cut herself. Her efforts were frivolous, superficial, and worthless? Of course, they were. She was only doing, what was it...trying to make a silk purse out of a sow's ear? That's what her mother called it whenever she would see an ugly woman trying to make herself beautiful. Well, she may be just a sow's ear, but she needed her armor, and she wasn't going to stop! She needed it now more than ever, now that McGonagall and Pomfrey were suspicious of her condition.
Hermione decided she couldn't wait until the night to relieve her pain. Instead of going to the infirmary, she nearly ran back to Gryffindor Tower to begin her ritual. She locked herself in the bathroom and began to remove her clothes. She looked at herself in the mirror. She carefully removed her bandages from her stomach. The word UGLY in prominent bloody letters surrounded by puffy, pink skin rose out from the canvas that was her pale body. She got into the shower and cleansed it so it would not become infected. She had to take the next step. She had been so wounded by the lecture Professor Snape had given her earlier; his words had been like a knife, plunging straight into her heart. The heaviness of her anger and self-hatred made her chest feel as if there were ten hippogriffs sitting on it. At every turn, she continued to be a disappointment to him. She would never be anything acceptable. She would never be worth anything. She just couldn't do anything right to please him or anyone. Well, perhaps this would be where she could excel.
She grasped the razor, took a deep breath, and started to carve.
It was taking too long. The words in her head would not stop speaking! She had to cut deeper and gouge it out! She began to slash at her arms one swipe after another. She was in a vicious rage. The blood splattered across the white tile of the shower with each slice across her milky, white skin. She ground her teeth and swallowed her screams as she continued to wield her razor in a fury. Once the rage had subsided, she stood there panting as she looked at her blood in detachment. It looked like scarlet ribbons sliding down from her body, rippling and cascading in a mock parody of decoration. She lifted her arms one by one and gracefully moved them in sweeping arcs, the blood falling onto her face and chest as she raised them above her head.
She then returned to her original purpose. On her chest, above her breasts, she carved the word, that horrible word: SWOT. She was amazed at how much pressure inside was now relieved. No longer was her chest feeling tight and constricted. She was feeling light and high, floating on a cloud. A red cloud, she thought with a giddy laugh in her head.
Now, it was complete. A Swot...that was what she was. Professor Snape is cruel, but he isn't a liar, she reminded herself. She started to feel fuzzy and light-headed. The room was spinning around and around. It felt nice. The last thing she remembered was falling...
A/N: I know this is an evil cliffie, but rest assured, Hermione will be found alive.
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Latest 25 Reviews for Longing
505 Reviews | 6.88/10 Average
As a person who has and still is struggling with recurrent major depression, I know all the cognitive distortions that a woman can have, who then resorts to cutting. Snapey is Forever My Prince, but his hostility and loathing towards Hermione makes me wanna get Medieval on his Hiney ~ the utter bastard he's being. Hypocrite too,knowing that all that bile should be self directed.
Thank you for your note at the beginning of this chapter. When I was not so much younger than I am now I cut myself to release the 'pain' I was feeling. A combination of childhood trauma and abuse (mental) and frustrations with education and career had choices eventually drove me to do it on occasion throughout my life. You described the feelings that would drive a person to this sort of behavior perfectly in the previous chapter. I have friends who find cutters disgusting and I speak only to explain that sometimes people are driven nearly out of their mind with despondency. I hope your readers can try to understand that mental illness is not disgusting but something that must be accepted and understood in order to help those in need.
Oh god. I didn't notice the author's name. I'm sorry if I've disturbed anyone.
Rest in peace Livvy.
Oh god. I didn't notice the author's name. I'm sorry if I've disturbed anyone.
Rest in peace Livvy.
Thank you for your note at the beginning of this chapter. When I was not so much younger than I am now I cut myself to release the 'pain' I was feeling. A combination of childhood trauma and abuse (mental) and frustrations with education and career had choices eventually drove me to do it on occasion throughout my life. You described the feelings that would drive a person to this sort of behavior perfectly in the previous chapter. I have friends who find cutters disgusting and I speak only to explain that sometimes people are driven nearly out of their mind with despondency. I hope your readers can try to understand that mental illness is not disgusting but something that must be accepted and understood in order to help those in need.
Lovely well written. So,so much emotion abounding is this. I cried for all Hermione went through, both the good and the bad. A very touchy subject handled very well.
This would be an EXCELLENT story if not for the 'she luuuuuurvs him' aspect. A teenager may fancy a teacher, but 'love' comes from a reciprical relationship. This ship uses this trope ad naseum, and it's ridiculous. And she now still has feelings for him, even after all this? After he has shown himself to be a callous son of a bitch? I can't buy into it.
I really wanted to like this story, I really did. There are brilliant aspects. But now this is just a huge cliche-fest. She still loves him, he loves her, oh joy the world is rosy again! Ugh. Please. After what he put her through she wouldn't be able to stand the sight of him, never mind still 'love' him or allow him to touch her. And Snape.....I'm just shaking my head. Poor, lonely, misunderstood Snape, huh? And now he 'loves' Hermione??? I'm guessing you're either very young or you prefer the Harlequin Romance type of stories. There was so much potential in this story.
I don't usually read SS/HG stories, and I don't usually read stories this OOC, but I just wanted to comment - that even if Hermione wasn't completely raped (the act of intercourse did not occur with a man) - the damage emotionally from what DID happen to her is tremendous - and she may as well have been raped by every person there - especially Bella - something like that does not just shake somone up - something like that first chapter would make someone suicidal.
I think my biggest problem with this story, thus far, is how insignificant the first chapter's events has been recieved by the professors - Dumbledore, McGonagall, Flitwick - and who ever might know of the event - are all canny people - they're also old enough to know such horrors - what happened to Hermione is torturous, and for her to just "go back to classes" after a few days - is bizzare enough, but without any other help than a pat on the shoulder and a few kind words from Dumbles or her head of house - that to me, seems really bizzare.
If this situation happened today, in my world, to an 18-year old woman - she'd be placed on leave from school/work and likely put on suicide watch as well as immediatly put into counseling. This is a very close subject for me (sexual abuse) and it bothers me to see it written so casually - or the reaction of Hermione's "allies" at least.
Hermione hurting herself was very disturbing and I wanted to strangle Snape for doing that to her!!! She had to almost die for him to finaly admit his feelings! But I'm glad it worked.
I just hope she won't do that whenever she'll feel down...it wouldn't be fair to her or her loved ones..or it can became a sort of blackmail if she won't be carefull..do as I say or I'll cut myself...
He broke her and then he put her together again...they were lucky, some are not so fortunate. I'm glad they ended up together.
Great story. Thank you.
How did Harry get everyone out of the infirmary so that he could be with Ginny?
Response from livvy6 (Author of Longing)
He just closed off the curtained area and made it silent to others. HE probably did a Notice-Me-Not-Spell. Either way, I think no one, not even Molly would want to ruin a private moment. Everyone knows that Ginny is the one Harry loves and vice-versa. At least that's how I see it. Even if Molly objected, I think Arthur would have demanded her to come along and stop being so blessed nosy! Arthur does have his moments ;)Thanks for reviewing!Livvy
Ginny was so brave! And so was Harry. Will Dumbledore stop using Severus and Harry now? Can the at last have some small amount of peace?
Response from livvy6 (Author of Longing)
I think Dumbledore will be hard-pressed to get Snape to do anything so dangerous again. He is done with the past and wants to make a new start with Hermione. He's ready to let go and allow love to lead him.Thanks for reviewing!Livvy
Thank you for having Severus prepare Ginny. I was worried. He really is a Master Spy. She did better than I expected. Poor Lucius. He is in sooooo much trouble.
Response from livvy6 (Author of Longing)
LOL! Yes, trouble all around in Voldemort's camp. I'm glad Ginny and Snape's talk was sufficient for you to feel what was coming believable for Ginny to go through. Ginny is a tough gal :)Thanks for reviewing!Livvy
I don't feel like Ginny has been given enough preparation for this "bargining" tonight. She's just a lamb. I hope the Molly in her comes out. She needs the Molly Weasely strength but the subtlety of a Slytherin. She isn't recieving much emotional support for this terrifying event. I am hoping Minerva can help her until it's time to go with Lucius. If she is smart and careful, she might be able to get information from Lucius that will help her. She hasn't been told there will be healers there to make sure she is fertile. Now, Hermione needs to learn to trust Severus. She seems more infatuated than truely in love. Does she really want all of him or does she just want to be desired by him? She's afraid of him. How can she truely love him, give him her heart and be afraid of him at the same time? He needs her heart as much as she needs his. He is only human. He is a man with many insecurities. Does she realize this? Without giving away whom it was, it might help her to know a little bit of his story with Lily. I think since Dumbledore is happy to meddle for the greater good, it would be good for him to give Hermione a little bit of sympathy for his scorned heart in the past and why he had been so afraid to give it again. She has no appreciation for what a leap into the flames he has taken when he declared his love for her. I feel she is only thinking of his power to hurt her. She really needs more imformation to understand how fragile he is and her power over him.
Response from livvy6 (Author of Longing)
Wait until next chapter. Ginny will get a talk that will get her head straight. As for Hermione, she loves Severus, but is scared of him. He is a man and he ahd made it clear that she couldn't be woman enough for him. That stuff lingers. You can;t take stuff like that back. Snape will have to prove his sincerity to Hermione for her to feel at ease with him. All she feels is that she is still inadequate and very hopeless.Thanks for reviewing!Livvy
Expert story weaving, that! It must have been difficult to write this chapter without it being salaciously creepy. I hope Hermione understands what he has told her about dark magic. Harry did very well. Your Harry is the Harry I shall always think of from now on. I really like this Harry. Poor Ginny. This isn't over for her. She will be used for the greater good just like Severus and Harry have been and shall be still. Our Hermione is so young. I know she and Severus belong together, but he may be more than she is mature enough for. Her imaturity prevents her from being able to comprehend what a powerful, dark and complex man she is in love with and also happens to worship her. She needs to accept that though he has chosen the light, he is a dark wizard with a great deal more life experience than she has had. Severus Snape comes with a lot of baggage. She needs to come to grips with that if they are to have a successful relationship. There are sides to him that are down right scary. He would be a lot to handle for any woman. While she needn't allow him to be purposely cruel to her, she needs to have some understanding for the horrors he has faced and the horrible things he has been compelled to do for the greater good. She needs to be willing to take the whole package without judging him. While it isn't an excuse to hurt her, his life really has sucked! He could use a little TLC himself.
Response from livvy6 (Author of Longing)
Baggage is right. Snape, Harry, Hermione, and Ginny are all wounded people with baggage. At some point something will have to give and a leap of faith will be required. Snape has serious ass-kissing to do. He has really screwed the pooch with this. But Hermione will have to stop her "victim" mode in order to meet him half-way.Thanks for reviewing!Livvy
Bless his heart. I hope she tells him that he means as much to her as she does to him. He deserves to be rewarded with loving words to match his own.
Response from livvy6 (Author of Longing)
Yes, Hermione will have no trouble accepting his words of love. Severus is such a man of action that her eagerness to be with him will be more than enough. Her choosing him is what he was afraid would never happen. They will be okay.Thanks for reviewing!Livvy
I don't know what to say. So many people missing so many opportunities to spare another from pain. I was a little surprised when Snape left her crying there. I thought he would rise to the occation and tell her he loved her, but I underestimated how much his own lack of selfworth still controled him. Stupid man...I say that with a certain amount of fondness. I'm not angry at him, just shaking my head at how stupid men can be when it comes to women's emotional needs. I know he never meant to hurt her when he left her there. But in his heart he knew what she needed and he couldn't gather the courage to do it. Just being a stupid man. "Although we adore them individually, as a group you must agree their rather stupid." (a line from a song in Disney's Mary Poppins) Couldn't Minerva have given him some gentle advice before she sent Hermione down there? Given in the right way, I believe he would have listened. I suppose she has no idea he's in love with Hermione. But Albus knows. Couldn't Albus have shared that information in confidence with Minerva? Even with all her proper ways, taken in context, she would have been better prepared to help both Hermione and Severus if she knew. And had Albus not told Severus not to let Hermione know he was watching over her at all. He didn't leave any opening for Severus to tell Hermione how much he cared for her.
Response from livvy6 (Author of Longing)
Yeah, Snape punked out. His emotional maturity stopped at age seven, I think. Inside, he's a scared little boy wanting love badly, but afraid to ask and accept, thinking it will only bite him in the end. He just has plain old-fashioned problems that can;t be solved with potion-making or talking his way out of it. He's going to have to face the fire. But, yes, he screwed up badly.Thanks for reviewing!Livvy
I suppose he thinks it is unethical to tell her how he really feels about her, a student. But this is not a normal situation and her life depends on it. He needs to tell her how he really feels about her and why he was so cruel. He needs to hold her and let her cry while he whispers how precious she is to him into her ear. He may as well give them both permission to fall in love with the condition that nothing can come of it until she is of age. I know he thinks his reputation will sully her, but can't he see that she only cares what he thinks and not what anyone else thinks? They need each other.
Response from livvy6 (Author of Longing)
SNape is still not ready. He has a strong moral ethic about propriety and his private life being private. He still thinks this is something that can be contained. He'll be schooled in how wrong he's being later. He's got some growing up to do.Thanks!Livvy
It's about time Dumbledore came to his senses somewhat. I can't imagine what will come of Severus watching over her but not speaking to her. I think it would help Hermione at some point soon, if Dumbledore talks to her about Severus' feelings for her. Not to ask her to forgive Severus but to help her understand why he had been so horribly cruel to her. She needs to know in order to heal. She needs to know he never thought any of those things about her in reality.
Response from livvy6 (Author of Longing)
This is penance for Severus. Dumbledore wants Severus to really SEE Hermione. He could talk until he was blue in the face, but Snape is a man that needs to experience things on his own. Yes, Hermione needs to know. But things take time.Thanks for reviewing!Livvy
I've never approved of the way the children are always sent back to their dorms after frightening or traumatic events without first having the opportunity to decompress with an adult. The girls need to be taken back to Minerva's office, given tea and have a chance to express their fears and anger. They need to recieve councel and comfort from their head of house. I also hope they will all keep quiet and not tell the rest of the student body about what Hermione has done to herself. I am hoping Ginny makes sure Parvati and Lavander keep this between themselves. Ron and Harry don't need the gory details either. Ginny has her experience with Tom Riddle as reference. To my knowledge, no one ever helped Ginny cope with that trauma. What can I say for Severus. I'm glad Dumbledore had the wisdom to let him heal Hermione. I suppose he thinks Severus is getting what he deserves when it comes to Ginny being his enemy. If I was Poppy I'd be pissed too. I don't think she was told the extent to which Severus has already seen Hermione nude. It isn't very fair to her if Dumbledore doesn't give her more information so that she knows what she's dealing with.
Response from livvy6 (Author of Longing)
I agree whole-hardheartedly, but it is just not how things are done. Ginny will become a main character and will protect Hermione fiercely. I hope you continue to enjoy the tale!Thanks for reviewing,Livvy
Lycanthropy! That is how clueless Severus is regardig the power of his words to wound one Hermione Jane Granger. I wish he'd use ligilimense on her and see what damage he is doing. I know he knows he's a total bastard, but with a self image no better than Hermione's he can't imagine she would care so much more about what he thought about her than she did anyone else. If he knew the damage he was doing, I think he would stop. His hatred toward her is his armor. When he finds out, if he finds out, Hell, next thing you know, he might be cutting himself for doing that to her. Why has Dumbledore instisited no one speak of that evening? Why doesn't he see that people need to decompress after such an event. I understand his desire to stop possible gossip through the student body. But, he obviously expects Hermione just to stuff it all down and forget about it, like Ginny with Tom Riddle. Is that what Dumbledore does with his pain? I find denial to be very helpful. But somtimes it does affect my functioning. I sleep too much and avoid things. Denial I guess, is my drug of choice. "Prentend it isn't real and it never really happened." "Hurry think of something else that can't hurt you as fast as possible. Just change the channel" "Go to sleep and don't think. Just put the pillow over your head and think about make belive things that don't hurt you because they aren't real."
Response from livvy6 (Author of Longing)
Dumbledore is so concerned with his "Greater Good" that people are mere pawns in the process. I think you have something in common with SNape. Denial is how he functions. He rationalizes and sticks to a version of the past that is most comfortable for him and never allows for that to change. Severus has been isolated and an outsider for so long, he can only think of his ways of handling things - but there is one problem: he can't risk Hermione knowing the extent of his feelings. It is his defense mechanism. He'd rather she hated him and somehow be safe than to know he loves her and be a target. It's a rough road Snape must walk.Thanks for reviewing!Livvy
I agree this behavior is very in character for Hermione. I can even see where it could make perfect sense to her, even though I've never known much about self mutilation other than it exists. I've never given it any thought before, but I could totally see something like this happening to Hermione. Dumbledore is canny enough to see there is more to Snape's vitrol toward Hermione than meets the eye. I hope it occurs to him that Severus doth protest too much. There are also other pieces to the puzzle that is Snape that I would hope he would notice. Dumbledore must have been at least a little bit surprised that he would give away his cover to protect Hermione's honor. He knows he's required Severus to hurt innocent people before and Snape has complied. What was different this time, that she was a student and an Order member? Would he expect Severus to blow his cover for any student or Order member? He wasn't being asked to kill her. Also, he knows Snape is immature socially. When I was a girl in elementary school, if a boy liked a girl he often teased her mercilessly and was overtly mean to her. Does Dumbledore recognize this immature brand of infatuation; his students are usually old enough to be past that stage? Does he even care enough about Severus Snape to see he is being emotionally self distructive not only distructive toward Hermione? Has he already given Severus up as someone who is dispensible "for the sake of the greater good" and therefore, divorced himself from too much emotional attachment to Snape? He did say he had other spies. On the Hermione side of things, I am a bit surprised that Poppy didn't run any diagnostic spells on Hermione no matter how much she would never suspect her of lying. Hermione could tell her that her periods have been very heavy, irregular and unusually frequent and that is why she is anemic. If she were thinking straight, this might be a good way to perhaps get ahold of blood replenishing potion. If she hasn't over taxed her magicall abilities too far, I would think she might consider putting a glamor on her injuries in the future, in case Poppy wants to examine her. Since it wouldn't be something she would expect from Hermione, Poppy might not notice. But like any self distructive addiction, people do get sloppy when they have lost perspective and the normal instinct for self preservation. She is now in an abnormal self preserving mode. I wouldn't expect her to be reasoning as well as she normally would.
Response from livvy6 (Author of Longing)
Dumbledore and his "greater good" just makes my blood boil. He was a master manipulator who used people as pawns. And all that Snape had done for the Order, he was still seen as disposable.Hermione is sloppy. Her mind is consumed with her doubts and all the terrible things Snape said. She has made it mean more than anything else. It shows her desperation to be loved. She is very much like Severus: unable to emotionally withstand and communicate needs.Thanks for reviewing!Livvy
"I have endured more tortures and humiliations than that-swot-could ever imagine, and you are worried about her feelings being hurt?" If only Dumbledore had been as concerned for Severus' feelings back when he was a student and was ridiculed and abused by Dumbledore's Gryffindors. Does he know how his own mean and careless attitude when Severus had been through his own "harrowing ordeal", having almost been killed by a werewolf purposely set upon him by other studants, affected the very fabric of who Severus Snape was so much that he would join Voldemort? Dumbledore is a hypocrite. Are Albus or Minerva fretting over Severus' pain from the dark mark? I am sorry for Hermione, but I am just as sorry for Severus. How could he help but to UNDERESTIMATE his ability to wound with words? Shame on you Dumbledore. If he is so worried about Hermione's reaction to Severus' words, why didn't he try to mitigate the damage by helping her understand some things about the man and why he would be such a verbally cruel person in order to take some of the sting away?
Response from livvy6 (Author of Longing)
Spot on. Dumbledore is as culpable for Severus turning to the Dark as any Death Eater. There are answers as to why Severus' was so deliberately cruel.Thanks for reviewing!Livvy
Damn frustrating. Both love the other and they are each so afraid that they each stop just before the other is convinced it is real. They give enough to stir the heart but never enough to fill the emptyness. One of them is going to have to take a leap of faith and throw themself on the fire. Severus tried. He really tried. I hope she thinks it through an believes him.
Response from livvy6 (Author of Longing)
Once the damage is done, it takes a lot to undo the damage. Snape has years of making up for and it won;t be easy for Hermione to accept and believe him. She is still so very wounded by his words because it cut into the very center of her insecurity of not being attractive enough to get a boy to notice her. Rough stuff.Thanks for reviewing!Livvy
Forgive me. I normally don't read dark fics. I read only SS/HG fan fiction for the most part and this is my way to escape the darkness in real life, so I had to read the last chapter before I decided if I could read this story. I saw there were so many who had made it a favorite. I'm glad I did. This will be a wonderful story, I can tell from all of the reviews. Knowing there is hope will help make the dark places more barable. And so it begins.
Response from livvy6 (Author of Longing)
Thank you so much for reviewing! I hope you keep enjoying.Livvy