Chapter 1
Chapter 1 of 18
livvy6Severus fails a test for his allegiance to Voldemort. The fallout from one night will change everything.
ReviewedA/N: I have read many stories where Snape was forced to rape Hermione. I thought, "What if he didn't? What would be the fallout?"
I want thank my AMAZING beta, Shellsnapeluver. This fic would be a complete disaster if not for her. So, any errors or spots of poor writing found, blame it on me. Also, please review! I do like to hear your thoughts whatever they are.
I am not sorry for my soulThat it must go unsatisfied,
For it can live a thousand times,
Eternity is deep and wide.
I am not sorry for my soul,
But oh, my body that must go
Back to a little drift of dust
Without the joy it longed to know.
“Longing” by Sarah Teasdale
It was quiet now in the field. No more crying, no more taunting: Hermione had resigned herself. All that remained was the cold, humiliation, and a sense of foreboding. She listened to the fire crackling all around them, the wind that rippled through the black robes of her abductors. They were faceless, save one. Voldemort was there in his snake-like glory, perched on a makeshift throne. Wormtail was at his side, like some deranged court jester.
They had warned her it might come down to this. They had reminded her being a friend of Harry’s could only lead to trouble if she became a full Order member. Yet, she had refused to distance herself. She had thrown herself into working for the Order, doing what she had insisted was her part in the war effort. She had wanted to prove she was valuable: and she had been. Her intelligence had contributed to many of the Order’s plans at sabotaging Voldemort’s attacks. She had been proud to be a student and an Order member. She had tried to be careful, but in the end, she had not been careful enough.
A Stunner to the back of her head in Hogsmeade had led to this nightmare. She had been stripped and spread eagle, naked for someone to torture. She looked up into the peaceful Scottish sky as the wet, cold grass itched and prickled her body. She focused on the twinkling stars above her that were so beautiful. All she could do was wait.
Then he came. She closed her eyes sadly. Of course, it had to be him. Whom else would Voldemort want to test? It was a trap, a test. She knew it had to be. This had been so elaborately planned and seamlessly executed; a great amount of thought had gone into this night’s event. She opened her eyes and saw him looking at her in disgust and pity. She felt as if she had been stabbed. She had worked so hard at trying to get him to notice her as a woman, an adult, and an equal. Of course, as long as she still sat in his class, eighteen-year-old or not, Order member or not, he never would. He had refused to show her anything but his anger over her induction. He had refused her admittance. He had made it clear he hadn't wanted her around him. Unfortunately, no one else had agreed with him. Therefore, he had—in his words—to endure her presence.
In time, she had found that if she was quiet and worked hard, he would relax and allow her to assist him. She had cherished those times and worked diligently for him, obeying his every word and never questioning him. Even if what he said had been wrong and the potion ruined, he would look at her sharply and ask her what she would have done differently if he had not been there. She would answer respectfully, and he would nod his approval, telling her to do as she had suggested. Once he had nodded and smiled his approval. That had been a good day. Sometimes, though, there had been bad days where he would rail about her faults. He was harsh, but never wrong, she had discovered. His words had hurt, but he had always been right. In the end, she had been becoming an efficient potion maker. She had taken his verbal abuse in stride, and in time she had grown to be grateful for his diligence in her training. She had always harbored a crush on him. However, it was growing to be much more. Hermione was falling in love.
***
Bellatrix cackled in the distance. Hermione heard the rustling of her robes as the witch moved forward.
“Look at the Mudblood, Snape! Isn’t she luscious?” she purred as she leaned into him. She walked over and considered Hermione’s nakedness.
“So beautiful, isn’t she, Snape? Look at her breasts and creamy skin. She’s soft, I know. I felt her.”
Snape glanced at Hermione. He then looked into Bellatrix’s eyes. “She’s an ugly Mudblood. She does not entice me.”
“But, Severus,” pouted Bellatrix as she ran her hands between Hermione’s legs. “She’s a virgin. I felt her barrier around my tiny finger. She has such a pretty pink pussy.”
Snape knelt down and ran his hands down the length of Hermione’s body. He was deliberately slow, grazing his fingertips over her nipples, weighing one breast in a cupped hand, and then lightly brushing the curly thatch between her thighs.
“Unbind her. She will not run,” he said coldly.
“No, Severus,” Voldemort said in a chilling voice. “She’s all ready, and we are waiting. Surely, Dumbledore will understand. After all, you can say she gave her innocence for the ‘Greater Good.’”
The cackling laughter made Hermione shiver in terror.
Severus looked back at Hermione’s body clinically. He did not speak, just began to fumble with his trousers. Hermione thought he was unbuttoning them. She turned her head to avoid seeing what was going to happen and closed her eyes. She felt the brush of his robes around her legs, and soon he lying on top of her, crushing her. She wanted to scream, but she was too shocked. She felt his heavy traveling cloak rubbing against her nipples and his hair tickling her face; his breath was warm on her cold neck, making her feel a rush of pleasure that made her feel disgusted with herself. He was fumbling around, and she kept her eyes closed. A whispered “Finate Incatatum” was muttered, and her ropes disappeared. A split-second later, she was on the ground of someone’s living room floor.
“Get up!” he said sharply as he leapt off her.
Hermione staggered to her feet, trying to cover her nakedness with her hands. She was freezing from her exposure to the elements for so long. She was fairly shaking as she saw Mrs. Tonks running down from upstairs.
“Oh, heavens above! Tell me it hasn’t come to this!” said the older woman, fear laced in her voice.
“If you mean my days as a spy are over, then yes, it has come to that. If you would please find a robe for Miss Granger?” he hissed.
Mrs. Tonks quickly took off her robe and gave it to Hermione. She was wearing Muggle clothes underneath. “I have a bunch of Nymphadora’s old clothes if you’d prefer. Let’s go upstairs. Severus, you look like you could use a stiff drink. Help yourself,” she said curtly.
They walked into what Hermione guessed was Tonks’ old bedroom and looked around at the old posters of Muggle rock bands and movie stars as Mrs. Tonks swiftly closed the door.
“Have you have raped?” she asked bluntly.
Hermione shook her head. “Just embarrassed is all. A couple of them grabbed me a little, but no harm done,” she whispered.
“I’ll bet!” she said angrily. “What happened?” she asked as she rifled through some dresser drawers. She found a pair of jeans, a tee shirt, and a jumper and handed them to her. She took another tee shirt, transfigured it into a pair of underwear, and found a bra.
“I think you and Tonks are about the same size. I’ll fix it if it’s not right. Here is a pair of socks,” she said.
After Hermione was dressed, Andromeda asked her again. “Tell me, Hermione, what happened?”
Hermione wrapped her arms around her body, chilled from the night’s events. “I was a test. Voldemort was there and told Professor Snape to rape me. He unbuttoned his trousers, laid on top of me, and before I knew it, we were here,” she said numbly.
“Let’s get you some cocoa,” she said, wrapping Hermione into a motherly hug. Hermione embraced the witch, burying her face into the woman’s bodice. Andromeda soothed her and patted her, telling her she was safe now. Hermione hadn’t been mothered in so very long. Now, she wanted it more than ever.
After a moment, Hermione released her, and they walked back down to the living room. She sat on the couch with her cocoa with Mrs. Tonks as Professor Snape talked to Dumbledore through the Floo. They spoke softly in hushed tones so she couldn’t hear what was said. When he was done, Snape rose and addressed the two witches as he took off his cloak importantly. Hermione put down her cocoa. He looked very upset.
“We shall stay the night. In the morning, Albus will arrange for us to Floo into his office. He has to work with the wards to allow this. I do hope you are pleased with yourself, Miss Granger. You may have just derailed the entire war effort!”
Hermione was shocked. She jumped up and shouted, “How dare you!”
He descended on her like a storm. “No, Miss Granger. How dare you! Your ineptitude has caused me to reveal my true allegiance. There shall be no more spying from me. Now there shall be no one to aid the Order! Because of your idiocy, all the hard work and sacrifice from each Order member has now come to an unfruitful end! I always knew you were an insufferable know-it-all, but now, you little swot, you have dismantled my entire life!” he raged.
“It is not my fault! I did everything I was supposed to do! I was attacked from the rear!” she hollered. “It’s not my fault they decided to test your loyalties. It was an entire set-up, Professor! Obviously, they all had begun to doubt you long before this!”
His face was emotionless, but his vein on his temple throbbed, and his eyes glittered madly. She knew he was murderously angry.
He looked at her with unveiled disgust. “Such a pity it had to be you, Miss Granger,” he said scornfully. “Any other female and I would have been able to stomach pleasuring myself, but no, it had to be you, an ugly, frizzy-haired, buck-toothed, old maid in training! I’m sure to catch hell-fire for not going along with it for Dumbledore’s ‘Greater Good,’ but honestly, I don’t think I would have been able to get it up to do the deed!” His eyes, filled with ridicule and contempt, bored into hers. “I can’t imagine any wizard ever being able to stomach touching you!”
Mrs. Tonks jumped up, and in a flash she slapped Snape across the face. “How dare you speak that way to a young girl! You should be ashamed of yourself!” she hissed angrily.
She carried on, railing against him as Hermione sank down into the couch. Something broke inside her. She couldn’t even get angry enough to yell back at him for being an arse.
She stared as Mrs. Tonks and Professor Snape fought. Finally, she curled up on the couch, tucking her legs to her chest, and fell into a catatonic state.
***
“What the hell were you thinking, Severus Snape?” Andromeda raged as they stood in the kitchen. She poured the remainder of the cocoa into the sink and threw the two cups down into it with a clatter. She stood there with a hand on her hip and the other resting on the counter. She was furious.
“Spare me, the diatribe, Andromeda!” Snape seethed as he poured himself another glass of scotch. “You have absolutely no idea the hell that is about to be unleashed because of this!”
“There will be the devil to pay, Snape! She’s a young lady and has been through hell tonight—she doesn’t need you to belittle her! I knew you were cold and cynical at times, but I never imagined you to be so deliberately crippling with your insults!” Her voice was full of loathing.
“Don’t you think you are being a tad bit melodramatic?” he sneered before tossing back his drink in one gulp.
Andromeda was at a loss.
When she did not answer him, he stood up straight and tall. “Now, if you don’t mind, I would like to have a bit of sleep before I have to face the headmaster in the morning!” He stormed out and sat down on the couch. He glanced over at Miss Granger. She was curled up in the fetal position, and her eyes were wide open.
He sighed as he rubbed his eyes. What a night! he thought. You are such a little girl, you have no idea what horrors you would have experienced! I knew it was a mistake letting her in the Order! Now look at her. What a mess! He shook his head as he eased onto the couch facing Hermione. It’ll be better in the morning. Her little boyfriends will tell her I’m just a greasy git, and she’ll have done with it. He looked at her and saw her eyes were still wide open, but vacant somehow. He nestled in and tried to fall asleep. He’d deal with the outcome tomorrow.
***
“Get up!” Snape shouted at Hermione.
Hermione opened her eyes and faced a black wall in front of her. She looked up and rubbed her eyes only to see clearly the sour face of Professor Snape. She glanced around her, and it all came rushing back: the cold, the fire, the fear, and the humiliation. She was confused and disoriented as she tried to recall how she got to where she was and whose clothes she was wearing. She looked around the cozy living room. There were pictures of happy people all around her. Plush sofa chairs and couches with throw pillows and blankets decorating them surrounded her. It was very nice and comforting. Professor Snape was oddly out of place here. “Where are we?” she asked tiredly.
“Shut up!” he ordered and grabbed her roughly by the arm, throwing her in front of the fireplace.
Andromeda came into the living room from the kitchen. She was in her bathrobe, and her long, dark hair was in a plait that swung over one shoulder. She looked at Hermione with deep concern. “Please, stay and eat something! Hermione looks so weak!” she begged.
“Miss Granger will have her little dunderheaded friends to feed her ego and outrage, I’m sure!” Snape said sardonically.
He grabbed the Floo powder and thrust it in her hand. She shook and struggled to keep the powder in her hand. “Say Headmaster Dumbledore’s office, Hogwarts!” he commanded. “I shall be right behind you, so move out of the way!” he warned.
***
A/N: The artist of the picture above is ~flam and you can access more works at deviantart. Many thanks to ~flam for letting me use this picture, Colour Autumn Argument.
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Latest 25 Reviews for Longing
505 Reviews | 6.88/10 Average
As a person who has and still is struggling with recurrent major depression, I know all the cognitive distortions that a woman can have, who then resorts to cutting. Snapey is Forever My Prince, but his hostility and loathing towards Hermione makes me wanna get Medieval on his Hiney ~ the utter bastard he's being. Hypocrite too,knowing that all that bile should be self directed.
Thank you for your note at the beginning of this chapter. When I was not so much younger than I am now I cut myself to release the 'pain' I was feeling. A combination of childhood trauma and abuse (mental) and frustrations with education and career had choices eventually drove me to do it on occasion throughout my life. You described the feelings that would drive a person to this sort of behavior perfectly in the previous chapter. I have friends who find cutters disgusting and I speak only to explain that sometimes people are driven nearly out of their mind with despondency. I hope your readers can try to understand that mental illness is not disgusting but something that must be accepted and understood in order to help those in need.
Oh god. I didn't notice the author's name. I'm sorry if I've disturbed anyone.
Rest in peace Livvy.
Oh god. I didn't notice the author's name. I'm sorry if I've disturbed anyone.
Rest in peace Livvy.
Thank you for your note at the beginning of this chapter. When I was not so much younger than I am now I cut myself to release the 'pain' I was feeling. A combination of childhood trauma and abuse (mental) and frustrations with education and career had choices eventually drove me to do it on occasion throughout my life. You described the feelings that would drive a person to this sort of behavior perfectly in the previous chapter. I have friends who find cutters disgusting and I speak only to explain that sometimes people are driven nearly out of their mind with despondency. I hope your readers can try to understand that mental illness is not disgusting but something that must be accepted and understood in order to help those in need.
Lovely well written. So,so much emotion abounding is this. I cried for all Hermione went through, both the good and the bad. A very touchy subject handled very well.
This would be an EXCELLENT story if not for the 'she luuuuuurvs him' aspect. A teenager may fancy a teacher, but 'love' comes from a reciprical relationship. This ship uses this trope ad naseum, and it's ridiculous. And she now still has feelings for him, even after all this? After he has shown himself to be a callous son of a bitch? I can't buy into it.
I really wanted to like this story, I really did. There are brilliant aspects. But now this is just a huge cliche-fest. She still loves him, he loves her, oh joy the world is rosy again! Ugh. Please. After what he put her through she wouldn't be able to stand the sight of him, never mind still 'love' him or allow him to touch her. And Snape.....I'm just shaking my head. Poor, lonely, misunderstood Snape, huh? And now he 'loves' Hermione??? I'm guessing you're either very young or you prefer the Harlequin Romance type of stories. There was so much potential in this story.
I don't usually read SS/HG stories, and I don't usually read stories this OOC, but I just wanted to comment - that even if Hermione wasn't completely raped (the act of intercourse did not occur with a man) - the damage emotionally from what DID happen to her is tremendous - and she may as well have been raped by every person there - especially Bella - something like that does not just shake somone up - something like that first chapter would make someone suicidal.
I think my biggest problem with this story, thus far, is how insignificant the first chapter's events has been recieved by the professors - Dumbledore, McGonagall, Flitwick - and who ever might know of the event - are all canny people - they're also old enough to know such horrors - what happened to Hermione is torturous, and for her to just "go back to classes" after a few days - is bizzare enough, but without any other help than a pat on the shoulder and a few kind words from Dumbles or her head of house - that to me, seems really bizzare.
If this situation happened today, in my world, to an 18-year old woman - she'd be placed on leave from school/work and likely put on suicide watch as well as immediatly put into counseling. This is a very close subject for me (sexual abuse) and it bothers me to see it written so casually - or the reaction of Hermione's "allies" at least.
Hermione hurting herself was very disturbing and I wanted to strangle Snape for doing that to her!!! She had to almost die for him to finaly admit his feelings! But I'm glad it worked.
I just hope she won't do that whenever she'll feel down...it wouldn't be fair to her or her loved ones..or it can became a sort of blackmail if she won't be carefull..do as I say or I'll cut myself...
He broke her and then he put her together again...they were lucky, some are not so fortunate. I'm glad they ended up together.
Great story. Thank you.
How did Harry get everyone out of the infirmary so that he could be with Ginny?
Response from livvy6 (Author of Longing)
He just closed off the curtained area and made it silent to others. HE probably did a Notice-Me-Not-Spell. Either way, I think no one, not even Molly would want to ruin a private moment. Everyone knows that Ginny is the one Harry loves and vice-versa. At least that's how I see it. Even if Molly objected, I think Arthur would have demanded her to come along and stop being so blessed nosy! Arthur does have his moments ;)Thanks for reviewing!Livvy
Ginny was so brave! And so was Harry. Will Dumbledore stop using Severus and Harry now? Can the at last have some small amount of peace?
Response from livvy6 (Author of Longing)
I think Dumbledore will be hard-pressed to get Snape to do anything so dangerous again. He is done with the past and wants to make a new start with Hermione. He's ready to let go and allow love to lead him.Thanks for reviewing!Livvy
Thank you for having Severus prepare Ginny. I was worried. He really is a Master Spy. She did better than I expected. Poor Lucius. He is in sooooo much trouble.
Response from livvy6 (Author of Longing)
LOL! Yes, trouble all around in Voldemort's camp. I'm glad Ginny and Snape's talk was sufficient for you to feel what was coming believable for Ginny to go through. Ginny is a tough gal :)Thanks for reviewing!Livvy
I don't feel like Ginny has been given enough preparation for this "bargining" tonight. She's just a lamb. I hope the Molly in her comes out. She needs the Molly Weasely strength but the subtlety of a Slytherin. She isn't recieving much emotional support for this terrifying event. I am hoping Minerva can help her until it's time to go with Lucius. If she is smart and careful, she might be able to get information from Lucius that will help her. She hasn't been told there will be healers there to make sure she is fertile. Now, Hermione needs to learn to trust Severus. She seems more infatuated than truely in love. Does she really want all of him or does she just want to be desired by him? She's afraid of him. How can she truely love him, give him her heart and be afraid of him at the same time? He needs her heart as much as she needs his. He is only human. He is a man with many insecurities. Does she realize this? Without giving away whom it was, it might help her to know a little bit of his story with Lily. I think since Dumbledore is happy to meddle for the greater good, it would be good for him to give Hermione a little bit of sympathy for his scorned heart in the past and why he had been so afraid to give it again. She has no appreciation for what a leap into the flames he has taken when he declared his love for her. I feel she is only thinking of his power to hurt her. She really needs more imformation to understand how fragile he is and her power over him.
Response from livvy6 (Author of Longing)
Wait until next chapter. Ginny will get a talk that will get her head straight. As for Hermione, she loves Severus, but is scared of him. He is a man and he ahd made it clear that she couldn't be woman enough for him. That stuff lingers. You can;t take stuff like that back. Snape will have to prove his sincerity to Hermione for her to feel at ease with him. All she feels is that she is still inadequate and very hopeless.Thanks for reviewing!Livvy
Expert story weaving, that! It must have been difficult to write this chapter without it being salaciously creepy. I hope Hermione understands what he has told her about dark magic. Harry did very well. Your Harry is the Harry I shall always think of from now on. I really like this Harry. Poor Ginny. This isn't over for her. She will be used for the greater good just like Severus and Harry have been and shall be still. Our Hermione is so young. I know she and Severus belong together, but he may be more than she is mature enough for. Her imaturity prevents her from being able to comprehend what a powerful, dark and complex man she is in love with and also happens to worship her. She needs to accept that though he has chosen the light, he is a dark wizard with a great deal more life experience than she has had. Severus Snape comes with a lot of baggage. She needs to come to grips with that if they are to have a successful relationship. There are sides to him that are down right scary. He would be a lot to handle for any woman. While she needn't allow him to be purposely cruel to her, she needs to have some understanding for the horrors he has faced and the horrible things he has been compelled to do for the greater good. She needs to be willing to take the whole package without judging him. While it isn't an excuse to hurt her, his life really has sucked! He could use a little TLC himself.
Response from livvy6 (Author of Longing)
Baggage is right. Snape, Harry, Hermione, and Ginny are all wounded people with baggage. At some point something will have to give and a leap of faith will be required. Snape has serious ass-kissing to do. He has really screwed the pooch with this. But Hermione will have to stop her "victim" mode in order to meet him half-way.Thanks for reviewing!Livvy
Bless his heart. I hope she tells him that he means as much to her as she does to him. He deserves to be rewarded with loving words to match his own.
Response from livvy6 (Author of Longing)
Yes, Hermione will have no trouble accepting his words of love. Severus is such a man of action that her eagerness to be with him will be more than enough. Her choosing him is what he was afraid would never happen. They will be okay.Thanks for reviewing!Livvy
I don't know what to say. So many people missing so many opportunities to spare another from pain. I was a little surprised when Snape left her crying there. I thought he would rise to the occation and tell her he loved her, but I underestimated how much his own lack of selfworth still controled him. Stupid man...I say that with a certain amount of fondness. I'm not angry at him, just shaking my head at how stupid men can be when it comes to women's emotional needs. I know he never meant to hurt her when he left her there. But in his heart he knew what she needed and he couldn't gather the courage to do it. Just being a stupid man. "Although we adore them individually, as a group you must agree their rather stupid." (a line from a song in Disney's Mary Poppins) Couldn't Minerva have given him some gentle advice before she sent Hermione down there? Given in the right way, I believe he would have listened. I suppose she has no idea he's in love with Hermione. But Albus knows. Couldn't Albus have shared that information in confidence with Minerva? Even with all her proper ways, taken in context, she would have been better prepared to help both Hermione and Severus if she knew. And had Albus not told Severus not to let Hermione know he was watching over her at all. He didn't leave any opening for Severus to tell Hermione how much he cared for her.
Response from livvy6 (Author of Longing)
Yeah, Snape punked out. His emotional maturity stopped at age seven, I think. Inside, he's a scared little boy wanting love badly, but afraid to ask and accept, thinking it will only bite him in the end. He just has plain old-fashioned problems that can;t be solved with potion-making or talking his way out of it. He's going to have to face the fire. But, yes, he screwed up badly.Thanks for reviewing!Livvy
I suppose he thinks it is unethical to tell her how he really feels about her, a student. But this is not a normal situation and her life depends on it. He needs to tell her how he really feels about her and why he was so cruel. He needs to hold her and let her cry while he whispers how precious she is to him into her ear. He may as well give them both permission to fall in love with the condition that nothing can come of it until she is of age. I know he thinks his reputation will sully her, but can't he see that she only cares what he thinks and not what anyone else thinks? They need each other.
Response from livvy6 (Author of Longing)
SNape is still not ready. He has a strong moral ethic about propriety and his private life being private. He still thinks this is something that can be contained. He'll be schooled in how wrong he's being later. He's got some growing up to do.Thanks!Livvy
It's about time Dumbledore came to his senses somewhat. I can't imagine what will come of Severus watching over her but not speaking to her. I think it would help Hermione at some point soon, if Dumbledore talks to her about Severus' feelings for her. Not to ask her to forgive Severus but to help her understand why he had been so horribly cruel to her. She needs to know in order to heal. She needs to know he never thought any of those things about her in reality.
Response from livvy6 (Author of Longing)
This is penance for Severus. Dumbledore wants Severus to really SEE Hermione. He could talk until he was blue in the face, but Snape is a man that needs to experience things on his own. Yes, Hermione needs to know. But things take time.Thanks for reviewing!Livvy
I've never approved of the way the children are always sent back to their dorms after frightening or traumatic events without first having the opportunity to decompress with an adult. The girls need to be taken back to Minerva's office, given tea and have a chance to express their fears and anger. They need to recieve councel and comfort from their head of house. I also hope they will all keep quiet and not tell the rest of the student body about what Hermione has done to herself. I am hoping Ginny makes sure Parvati and Lavander keep this between themselves. Ron and Harry don't need the gory details either. Ginny has her experience with Tom Riddle as reference. To my knowledge, no one ever helped Ginny cope with that trauma. What can I say for Severus. I'm glad Dumbledore had the wisdom to let him heal Hermione. I suppose he thinks Severus is getting what he deserves when it comes to Ginny being his enemy. If I was Poppy I'd be pissed too. I don't think she was told the extent to which Severus has already seen Hermione nude. It isn't very fair to her if Dumbledore doesn't give her more information so that she knows what she's dealing with.
Response from livvy6 (Author of Longing)
I agree whole-hardheartedly, but it is just not how things are done. Ginny will become a main character and will protect Hermione fiercely. I hope you continue to enjoy the tale!Thanks for reviewing,Livvy
Lycanthropy! That is how clueless Severus is regardig the power of his words to wound one Hermione Jane Granger. I wish he'd use ligilimense on her and see what damage he is doing. I know he knows he's a total bastard, but with a self image no better than Hermione's he can't imagine she would care so much more about what he thought about her than she did anyone else. If he knew the damage he was doing, I think he would stop. His hatred toward her is his armor. When he finds out, if he finds out, Hell, next thing you know, he might be cutting himself for doing that to her. Why has Dumbledore instisited no one speak of that evening? Why doesn't he see that people need to decompress after such an event. I understand his desire to stop possible gossip through the student body. But, he obviously expects Hermione just to stuff it all down and forget about it, like Ginny with Tom Riddle. Is that what Dumbledore does with his pain? I find denial to be very helpful. But somtimes it does affect my functioning. I sleep too much and avoid things. Denial I guess, is my drug of choice. "Prentend it isn't real and it never really happened." "Hurry think of something else that can't hurt you as fast as possible. Just change the channel" "Go to sleep and don't think. Just put the pillow over your head and think about make belive things that don't hurt you because they aren't real."
Response from livvy6 (Author of Longing)
Dumbledore is so concerned with his "Greater Good" that people are mere pawns in the process. I think you have something in common with SNape. Denial is how he functions. He rationalizes and sticks to a version of the past that is most comfortable for him and never allows for that to change. Severus has been isolated and an outsider for so long, he can only think of his ways of handling things - but there is one problem: he can't risk Hermione knowing the extent of his feelings. It is his defense mechanism. He'd rather she hated him and somehow be safe than to know he loves her and be a target. It's a rough road Snape must walk.Thanks for reviewing!Livvy
I agree this behavior is very in character for Hermione. I can even see where it could make perfect sense to her, even though I've never known much about self mutilation other than it exists. I've never given it any thought before, but I could totally see something like this happening to Hermione. Dumbledore is canny enough to see there is more to Snape's vitrol toward Hermione than meets the eye. I hope it occurs to him that Severus doth protest too much. There are also other pieces to the puzzle that is Snape that I would hope he would notice. Dumbledore must have been at least a little bit surprised that he would give away his cover to protect Hermione's honor. He knows he's required Severus to hurt innocent people before and Snape has complied. What was different this time, that she was a student and an Order member? Would he expect Severus to blow his cover for any student or Order member? He wasn't being asked to kill her. Also, he knows Snape is immature socially. When I was a girl in elementary school, if a boy liked a girl he often teased her mercilessly and was overtly mean to her. Does Dumbledore recognize this immature brand of infatuation; his students are usually old enough to be past that stage? Does he even care enough about Severus Snape to see he is being emotionally self distructive not only distructive toward Hermione? Has he already given Severus up as someone who is dispensible "for the sake of the greater good" and therefore, divorced himself from too much emotional attachment to Snape? He did say he had other spies. On the Hermione side of things, I am a bit surprised that Poppy didn't run any diagnostic spells on Hermione no matter how much she would never suspect her of lying. Hermione could tell her that her periods have been very heavy, irregular and unusually frequent and that is why she is anemic. If she were thinking straight, this might be a good way to perhaps get ahold of blood replenishing potion. If she hasn't over taxed her magicall abilities too far, I would think she might consider putting a glamor on her injuries in the future, in case Poppy wants to examine her. Since it wouldn't be something she would expect from Hermione, Poppy might not notice. But like any self distructive addiction, people do get sloppy when they have lost perspective and the normal instinct for self preservation. She is now in an abnormal self preserving mode. I wouldn't expect her to be reasoning as well as she normally would.
Response from livvy6 (Author of Longing)
Dumbledore and his "greater good" just makes my blood boil. He was a master manipulator who used people as pawns. And all that Snape had done for the Order, he was still seen as disposable.Hermione is sloppy. Her mind is consumed with her doubts and all the terrible things Snape said. She has made it mean more than anything else. It shows her desperation to be loved. She is very much like Severus: unable to emotionally withstand and communicate needs.Thanks for reviewing!Livvy
"I have endured more tortures and humiliations than that-swot-could ever imagine, and you are worried about her feelings being hurt?" If only Dumbledore had been as concerned for Severus' feelings back when he was a student and was ridiculed and abused by Dumbledore's Gryffindors. Does he know how his own mean and careless attitude when Severus had been through his own "harrowing ordeal", having almost been killed by a werewolf purposely set upon him by other studants, affected the very fabric of who Severus Snape was so much that he would join Voldemort? Dumbledore is a hypocrite. Are Albus or Minerva fretting over Severus' pain from the dark mark? I am sorry for Hermione, but I am just as sorry for Severus. How could he help but to UNDERESTIMATE his ability to wound with words? Shame on you Dumbledore. If he is so worried about Hermione's reaction to Severus' words, why didn't he try to mitigate the damage by helping her understand some things about the man and why he would be such a verbally cruel person in order to take some of the sting away?
Response from livvy6 (Author of Longing)
Spot on. Dumbledore is as culpable for Severus turning to the Dark as any Death Eater. There are answers as to why Severus' was so deliberately cruel.Thanks for reviewing!Livvy
Damn frustrating. Both love the other and they are each so afraid that they each stop just before the other is convinced it is real. They give enough to stir the heart but never enough to fill the emptyness. One of them is going to have to take a leap of faith and throw themself on the fire. Severus tried. He really tried. I hope she thinks it through an believes him.
Response from livvy6 (Author of Longing)
Once the damage is done, it takes a lot to undo the damage. Snape has years of making up for and it won;t be easy for Hermione to accept and believe him. She is still so very wounded by his words because it cut into the very center of her insecurity of not being attractive enough to get a boy to notice her. Rough stuff.Thanks for reviewing!Livvy
Forgive me. I normally don't read dark fics. I read only SS/HG fan fiction for the most part and this is my way to escape the darkness in real life, so I had to read the last chapter before I decided if I could read this story. I saw there were so many who had made it a favorite. I'm glad I did. This will be a wonderful story, I can tell from all of the reviews. Knowing there is hope will help make the dark places more barable. And so it begins.
Response from livvy6 (Author of Longing)
Thank you so much for reviewing! I hope you keep enjoying.Livvy