New Chapter for Love&#39;s Battle Revisited

Yay! I'm happy fror everyone. I hope Hermione learned a lesson too, or maybe already arranged for child care or something.

10/10

Yay! I'm happy fror everyone. I hope Hermione learned a lesson too, or maybe already arranged for child care or something.

10/10

Yay! I'm happy fror everyone. I hope Hermione learned a lesson too, or maybe already arranged for child care or something.

10/10

Oh I am so happy for Hermione, it's good to see she is also making a life for herself.

2/10

Now that I've read this chapter, I can say without hesitation that I was right in my last comment about your characterization of Harry and Ginny. You've made Ginny such a doormat that she's ready to jump into bed with Harry even after all of the things that he's done wrong. She has no self-respect.

You might also want to examine your sentence structure. You have sentences that are excessively long; their length does not add to the reader's comprehension. At times, you have misplaced modifiers. Look at the first sentence of this chapter:

<i>When they saw each other again, Ginny wasn’t pleased with Harry’s actions of the previous day shortly after she’d seated herself facing him.</i>

Are you trying to say: <i>As she sat down, Ginny considered her displeasure at Harry's impertinent kiss. </i>

Much of your difficulty stems from the way you try to make your narrator understand everyone's feelings and point of view. If you look at JK Rowling's works, you'll see that we understand the story from Harry's point of view. We don't know what everyone is thinking and feeling, but that doesn't matter. In fact, the story of Harry Potter is stronger because JKR doesn't try to explain every little feeling that the characters have. She is true to the characterization she has created. Harry changes as he gets older, but he is still the same person from Book One to Book Six. JK Rowling's Harry Potter is not the person you are writing about.

2/10

I can see that you continue to make Harry the "one in charge" of everything. In your stories, he's always rich and he's always telling everyone what to do.

I had hoped that Ginny would be something like the Ginny we see in JK Rowling's works--a young woman with backbone! My hope was dashed when I saw that once again, you have made Ginny a door mat. She mildly protests his kiss, then she pretty much gives in and accepts all that Harry has done in the past.

Response from jmlane57 (Author of Love's Battle Revisited)

Are you sure you've read the entire story? To a degree, you're correct, but if I remember correctly, Harry's parents and Sirius left him a lot of money, and in addition to that, he's earned his share in his work. So he's rich. Something wrong with that? And the people he associates with, he's NOT demanding or dictating everything to everyone; he's asking politely, as with the letter to Luna asking her to look after his girls while he was working. He even offered to pay her.

And I do NOT have Ginny accept Harry back right away. It takes six chapters before he can even touch her, much less kiss her. She told him flat out at the get-go that SHE was the one who was going to be in charge of their relationship and that if he couldn't handle that, that he could leave again right now.

She was even the one who told the Daily Prophet that he and Hermione had returned from America. In fact, Harry's had a lot of trouble in the story, and rightly so...and in Chapter 4, I believe it was, Remus disowned him, basically renounced his position as surrogate godfather (and even took back Sirius's own) until Harry shaped up. If that's not enough for you, so be it. To each his own.

2/10

Locking charms? Are we to believe that McGonagall would intentionally hold Hermione against her will? I can't see any of the Hogwarts professors getting involved in a personal matter. It's not at all like them.

Erstwhile wife? Erstwhile means "former" and Harry and Hermione are still married; therefore, Hermione cannot be an "erstwhile wife."

Have you considered using a Beta to help you with your writing problems? While your punctuation and grammar are generally good, you could benefit from someone who could help you with your redundancy issues and with word usage. It seems that you try to use words that are supposedly "educated" but if they're not a natural part of your vocabulary, you will continue to risk using words inappropriately.

Response from jmlane57 (Author of Love's Battle Revisited)

Oh really, so "none" of the Hogwarts professors get involved in a personal matter? What about Dumbledore, or doesn't he count? And I seem to recall in the fifth book that McGonagall offered to help Harry become an Auror, despite Umbridge's attempts at interference. Or don't you consider Harry's potential future career a "personal matter"?

No, I don't mean to imply that Hermione would be held against her will; it's just that Harry has been trying to get her to sit down with him to discuss the disposition of their marriage and what to do about their children, and she's been avoiding him. He just wants to make sure she'll stay long enough to get a few important decisions made. Maybe I should have just had the threat made instead of actually carried out.

Okay, and maybe I should also have put 'estranged' instead of 'erstwhile.' Don't worry, I've got a beta who has already mentioned to me about the issues you've mentioned--or at least the majority of them.

Of course, at the moment I'm waiting on the beta'd chapter 6, so there are bound to be changes. Neither have any of the admins said anything to me in regards to things you've mentioned in their messages, and I happen to know that southern_witch is very good at that sort of thing!

My beta has also not mentioned anything about supposed 'mischaracterisation' and I know her style well enough by now to know that she would say as much if she felt the characters were misrepresented in any way. I have read the books umpteen times, so I think I have a pretty good idea how the characters act, think and feel.

In fact, I think I'll even send her some of these reviews and see what she thinks of them. And is there something wrong with representing the feelings of everyone concerned instead of just those of one person? I've written fanfic for 20 years; that's how I've always done my stories and no one's complained about it until now. And maybe the books (for the most part) tell things from Harry's point of view, but they DO delve into the feelings of other characters as well as him. I've seen passages on Hermione's feelings, Ron's feelings...just to name two.

Also, you would do well to keep in mind that at least part of the reason the characters act as they do here is because this is an AU story! People can act differently in AU stories. Maybe it's not precisely as in the books, but the characters are hardly unrecognisable.

One last question--do you have an English degree? I've seen people even with an English degree have no more knowledge of proper punctuation, capitalisation, grammar, spelling or word usage than the average third-grader. (Not you so much, but others I've seen. Makes me wonder how they ever managed to get it!)

2/10

Do you really think that your readers needed an explanation of what alimony is?

You repeat yourself a lot when you write. It's almost as if you feel the need to pad your chapters, yet since there is so much redundancy, you actually make the story plodding in nature.

10/10

I'm happy to se Harry and Ginny back toghther and fences being mended so to speak. However, I would like to see Hermione get on with her life. She is still a young woman and she wasn't evil, just misguided. Let's see if she can get hooked up with some one so she doen't wind up bitter.

Response from jmlane57 (Author of Love's Battle Revisited)

Don't worry, she will be...it'll just take a little while yet.

10/10

pickles

why isn't hermione watching the kids while harry is off playing house?

good chapters.

more please.

10/10

Another great chapter, but what's happening with Hermione?

10/10

I'm happy that Molly was able to forgive Harry, but even Happier that Ginny is making him tow the line.

10/10

Another great chapter! I'm so glad Molly excepted Harry back into the family. I can't wait until Harry meets his daughter. And when Helen and Lily meet the older Lily.

10/10

pickles

what a huge mess they have created..

too bad this story couldn't be given to teenagers. maybe they could learn something from it. then again...

great story.

10/10

WOW! This is a really great story. Definitely going to add it to my faves. I can't wait for an update. I just hope it has a happy ending. Harry/Ginny are my favorite.

10/10

This is a great transitional chapter, off with the old on with the new. This being off with a mistake that should never have happened to reperaion of said mistake and building new bridges.

4/10

So, exactly why is Draco angry with Harry? It seems that Harry's departure gave Draco the ability to pursue and marry Ginny. That would be a good thing.

On the other hand, now that Draco and Ginny are divorced, he shouldn't care about Harry's return.

And what kind of father would lay out his marital difficulties to his young daughters? That's poor parenting!

5/10

It seems like their decision to go to America without telling their friends the truth was hardly worthy of two Gryffindors.

10/10

How sad for everyone, I can't understand why those two ran off, maybe P.T.S.S.?

10/10

awwwww, how sweet! Can't wait for more.

10/10

I really liked this chapter. I just love weddings. One question, though... When did Draco become head of Slytherin. I thought he was a business man. Is he a teacher now, too?

Response from jmlane57 (Author of Love's Battle Revisited)

Draco IS a businessman, at least in this story. It's just that he recently gave a hefty financial contribution to the school (remember all the times Lucius did things like that?), enough so that he was granted an honorary professorship at Hogwarts and thus was able to become Head of Slytherin House. He can't always be there, of course--after all, he does have a business to run--but he does drop by several times a week. (On one of those times he just happens to run into Harry and confront him about Ginny, as shown in Chapter 8.) Hope that answers your question.

10/10

Hermione caught the bouqet, traditionally that means she is next to marry. Since Ron and Ginney are finally together I am assuming that Hermione's story is going to pick up. I'm happy for tthe newlyweds and can't wait to see more.

10/10

ohhhh could Hemione and Draco make a go of it???

10/10

Nice chapter, but how's Hermione? Is she and Ginney going to be friends again? Good to see Harry fixing his life back up too.

9/10