8. Fear

A/N: Thanks for the kind reviews everyone xx

We fear things in proportion to our ignorance of them. ~ Christian Nestell Bovee

Rather than write up her notes, Hermione Granger sat in her armchair by the dwindling fire and had a damn good cry. For some time now she had been hiding her feelings about almost everything, but the small show of concern from Severus had demolished her carefully constructed defences. That it was him, of all people, made Hermione cry all the more. Her feelings for him had changed at some point from just friendship to something more, and quite what she was going to do with that she had no idea. She sniffed in a very unladylike way and rubbed her eyes with the cuff of her sweater. It was futile exercise, because the more she thought about everything, the more tears she shed.

Ever since the war, Hermione had practised the art of being strong. On the surface, she was still the same person, the brightest witch of the age, a bookish, curly-headed know-it-all. Only Hermione knew that this was just for show. She played her part well, even convincing Minerva that teaching was all she had ever wanted to do. That was a lie, just like the rest of her life. She had accepted the post to return to Hogwarts because it was the only place that she felt safe. The real Hermione Granger was a mess, scared of being at the end of someone else's wand, frightened beyond belief of the wizarding world beyond Hogwarts gates, and addicted to Dreamless Sleep. She saw Death Eaters around every corner, worried constantly about her parents, was desperately jealous of Harry Potter even though she wanted to just be happy for him, and she missed Ron, with his stupid grin and daft sense of humour and ready smile. She didn't love him – not in the way she should have done – but she missed his friendship and the fact that with him, she didn't need to make any effort. She could just be herself, and he would just be himself, and it was easy and safe. Somewhere down the line, Hermione had lost her way.

With a huff of frustration, Hermione sat up and rubbed her eyes for the final time. Taking a deep breath, she called for Winky.

'Miss? You is asking for Winky?' The small elf looked at Hermione with a wary gaze, still not quite sure what to make of the Muggle witch. Hermione felt a bubble of laughter and the strange look Winky gave her, and couldn't help but grin at her.

'Winky, please could you bring me a large mug of hot chocolate? I'll be in the bed chamber.' Hermione stood as the elf disappeared. Her notes would have to wait until tomorrow. From her top drawer she pulled out a small phial of Dreamless Sleep, thanked Winky for the hot chocolate and added the potion to it. Climbing into bed, she pulled the covers up over her shoulders and inhaled the familiar woody scent of Severus Snape that seemed to cling to the bedspread. Normally, it would make her feel safe and happy. Tonight, she just felt lonely. She drank her chocolate, and within moments she fell asleep.

Hermione didn't notice that Winky had been watching her from the doorway with a worried frown on her face.

***

Severus took breakfast in his own rooms the next day. He had spent a restless night pondering his feelings for Hermione, and when he did finally sleep, his dreams had been full of fragmented snatches of conversations, fantasy imaginings of frantic kisses, and then Hermione's face transforming into Lily Potter's. It had done nothing to sweeten his mood, and as he finished his coffee, he decided to leave the castle for the day. It was the only way he could guarantee not bumping into her.

Severus was not a romantic man. He had never harboured desires of a wife and family, not even with Lily. His parents' relationship had been so destructive that he had decided a long time ago that marriage was not for him. It had taken Lucius and Narcissa to show him that not all marriages were violent and soulless, that there could be love and passion that stood the tests placed upon it. What he felt for Lily had been something else, not a love that leads to marriage. At one point, when his teenage hormones were rampaging, he had taken a notion that perhaps he did feel something like that love for Lily. It was also true that when she finally fell for James Potter, the jealousy that raged within him had coloured his view of the world and forced his hand into taking the Dark Mark, tainting his life forever. That he was now entertaining such thoughts about his former student was baffling to him, and he couldn't allow his mind to dwell on what would never be. He had suffered enough.

Severus grabbed his thick, woollen travelling cloak and slipped out of his rooms and silently along the corridor. He paused before a darkly framed portrait and nodded at Phineas Nigellus as he passed.

'Headmaster,' he said softly. He was about to walk on, but was stopped mid-stride.

'Headmaster,' Phineas replied. 'You would do well to talk with the elf on your return.'

Severus sighed. Phineas insisted on referring to him by his former title, forcing Severus to remember that dark time in his life, but he held far too much respect for his fellow Slytherin to correct him on it. He frowned slightly.

'You are referring to Winky?' he asked.

'Yes. The drunken one.' Phineas smiled at him slightly, and then slipped from his frame. Severus stared at the empty space as he tried to fathom what Phineas was implying. Winky had stopped drinking Butterbeer when Severus had enlisted her service to him personally during his tenure as Headmaster. Whatever had caused the elf to take solace in drink was really none of his business, but if Phineas had thought it important enough to mention, then so be it. Resolving to see to it later, he continued down the hall and then down the staircase to a statue of the goddess Artemis. He waved his hand before her, and the plinth she stood on moved silently aside, revealing a passage that descended sharply and came out into a hidden cave beside the Whomping Willow. As he left the cave at the other end, Severus was forced to ruefully admit that being Headmaster did have its uses. The castle had given up all of its secrets to him, and he carried them with him to this day.

He had been putting off today's task for some time, but if ever he were in need of a distraction it was now and so with a sharp twist, Severus Snape Apparated to Spinner's End. The house looked almost derelict. The windows had been boarded up for years, a useful deterrent to any Muggle who might think about calling. There was very little in the house, but he knew that the land it sat on was worth a small fortune in Muggle terms, and he had no use for the house now. Someday he would purchase a house for himself, but in the meantime he would change his sterling into Galleons and allow it to gather interest at Gringotts.

At the front door he felt his wards shift to allow him access, and he stepped into the gloomy hallway and sneezed violently as the disturbed dust motes swirled around. He grabbed his wand and placed a Shield Charm around his person before venturing around the rest of the house. He boxed the books he wanted to keep, threw the remaining items in his wardrobe into his old Hogwarts trunk that still sat at the end of his old bed, and rescued his mother's blue china teapot from the kitchen. He vanished everything else, shrank his trunk and slipped it and the boxes into the pockets of his travelling cloak. Once the house was totally bereft of anything, he took his time to dismantle the wards that had kept him safe for so many years. They were complex and layered, and by the time he was finished he was exhausted. He would write to the estate agent from Hogwarts on his return, and hopeful that he would get a good price, he left the house without a glance. There were no sentimental feelings, no tears of regret. It was just bricks and mortar. Any memories they had harboured had long since been siphoned off into small glass vials, and they no longer haunted him.

His last stop before leaving his old home was at the playground where he had first seen Lily Evans. It had changed beyond recognition, the swings and slide replaced with brighter, modern versions, surrounded by garishly yellow railings. He slowed to look around and saw a group of local boys chatting up three girls on the replaced swings. They were laughing, and one girl with auburn hair was smiling shyly at the boy who was talking to her with a confidence Severus would never have possessed at that age. He was a different person now and nothing he could do would change that. With a frown, he turned and walked to his apparition point, wondering how much different his life would have been had he been born to different parents.

***

Hermione was in the Astronomy Tower, looking towards the castle gates. She had spent the best part of her day looking for Severus, and finally resorted to using the Marauder's Map. She hated the thought of spying on him, and even having the map in her possession hadn't been her idea. Harry had insisted she take it when she returned to teach, telling her that it was no use to him. She had thought it might give her an added sense of security if she knew who was just around the next corner. But when she had looked at the map and realised that Severus was not in the castle, her heart fell. There was so much about him that she didn't know, of course. He was a very private man after all. But just knowing that he was in the castle somewhere made her feel safe. His absence now had the opposite effect, and she stood, rigid with irrational panic, praying for his swift return and knowing that her fear was ridiculous and unfounded.

She saw a brief movement from the corner of her eye, and shifted her gaze towards the Whomping Willow. There was nothing there, but she could have sworn she had seen something. Pulling out the map again, she scanned it carefully, willing the name of Severus Snape to swim up from the page. She watched, and then suddenly, it was there in the corridor two floors down from his rooms. Hermione sighed with relief and two fat tears fell down her cheeks. She brushed them away, feeling stupid, and watched as Severus walked, not to his rooms, but down to the kitchens. It was of no matter. Hermione had no intention of seeing him. But he was home safe, and now she was safe, and everything was alright again.

***

Severus entered the kitchens and was immediately surrounded by eager house-elves. He couldn't help but laugh. For a long time they had been his only companions as a student, and they had always welcomed his late night visits to the kitchens, plying him with pumpkin juice and slices of apple pie with cream, his favourite. Then later, as a Potions Master, they had treated him reverently, calling him Master Snape instead of Master Severus. When he became Headmaster, they had almost wet themselves with happiness. For some reason, Severus Snape had the oddest and most loyal group of allies, and he never once took their friendship for granted.

'I need to speak with Winky,' he said quietly. He was met with a sea of sad eyes, and the elves parted to allow him to walk through to the pantry where he knew Winky slept. There, in a dark corner, Winky was sleeping soundly, four empty bottles of Butterbeer beside her.

'Carlos,' Severus called. An older male elf came forward and nodded.

'Here, Headmaster Snape,' he murmured.

'Please take Winky to my rooms and stay with her until I get there.' Severus left the kitchens swiftly, quickly thanking the elves before he went. When he arrived in his rooms ten minutes later, Carlos had laid Winky on the sofa and was hovering, his eyes full of relief as Severus walked through the door.

'I shall have to give her a sobering potion, Carlos. Do I have your agreement?'

Severus knew that house-elves had different views about the ways of wizards and they didn't all agree to the use of wizard magic on an elf. But Carlos trusted Severus and nodded emphatically. The Headmaster had cured Winky before and would do so again. Severus gathered a small stoppered bottle from a locked cupboard, and then knelt beside Winky, giving her small drops of the potion and waiting for it to take effect. Slowly, the elf roused and blinked up into the concerned faces of Carlos and her Master. With a wail, she jumped up, but Severus was ready and grabbed both of her hands firmly to stop her running away.

'Winky, you will do exactly what I say or you shall be given clothes, am I clear?' Severus spoke softly but firmly, and felt more than a twinge of guilt as tears welled up in Winky's eyes.

'Yes sir,' she mumbled miserably. 'Winky has been a bad elf, Headmaster sir.'

'Have you indeed?' Severus raised an eyebrow and wondered at the elf's definition of 'bad,' but he let it go. Winky hadn't turned to drink for no reason, and he had to get the truth from her. 'Forget about the Butterbeer, Winky. It is of no matter. What I must know is why you are drinking again?'

Winky's lower lip trembled slightly, and tears dripped down her face an off the end of her pointed nose. 'Winky has seen something bad, very bad. Winky thinks that He Who Shall Not Be Named is still among us, Headmaster sir.'

Severus felt himself blanche at her words. To hear his worst fears spoken by the elf almost made him shout out in horror, but he took a breath to calm himself and spoke with far more confidence than he actually felt.

'Tell me what you saw, Winky, if you can please?'

'Winky saw the Headmaster's mistress taking the No Dreams magic potion, just like the Headmaster did when the wizards was all fighting. When the mistress doesn't take it she is screaming and crying all of the time and calling out the Headmaster's name. You is never having screaming dreams now, Headmaster sir. But Mistress Hermione is having them all of the time. Winky is scared that she is possessed by the Dark Lord!'

Winky shouted the last dramatically, and Severus allowed Carlos to comfort her before taking her back to the kitchens. Severus collapsed onto the sofa and ran his trembling hand through his hair. Winky had scared the living daylights out of him, just because Granger was having nightmares. But the fact she had turned to Butterbeer in fear was not acceptable. His stomach sank. He would have to speak to Hermione, but the way he had departed from her the last time didn't give him much hope that she would welcome his intrusion into something so personal. Never the less, he was worried about her. He had a feeling there was a lot more going on than he knew.