My Heart, My Pain

"Hearts are breakable," Isabelle said. "And I think even when you heal, you're never what you were before"." ― Cassandra Clare, City of Fallen Angels

Over the next few weeks, Severus and Hermione met each Friday and Saturday to carry out more trials of the Polyjuice Potion. It wasn't smooth sailing. Severus was prickly, despite Hermione's best efforts. To try and help things along, she had suggested they have supper together and had asked Winky to prepare Severus's favourite foods. He had been pleasantly surprised and expressed his gratitude by sharing a rare Potions book with Hermione at the next session. Hermione had been gratified by the way things were going, but the cordiality didn't last long. Hermione had asked one too many questions, and Severus had spectacularly blown his top and Floo'd back to his own rooms before he had even changed back to himself. It had taken a heartfelt apology and a bar of Honeydukes finest before Severus gave in and let Hermione have her clothes back, and a detailed explanation to the house-elves, who had misinterpreted the sight of women's' clothing in Professor Snape's bedroom and had become overly excited at the prospect of babies being born at Hogwarts.

The turning point came one Friday after a seventh year Potions lesson between Gryffindor and Slytherin. Hermione had a relaxed teaching style with the older students, allowing conversation and discussion provided it was relevant. During this class, the subject of Severus Snape had come up. Hermione was actually surprised it hadn't been broached before. Most of the students remembered Severus as a Potions teacher, but they hadn't been involved at the front line of the war and many of the details of Severus' role had been skewed by badly researched and biased articles in the Daily Prophet that made him out to be a murderer despite the evidence against that claim. For the students, it had been a confusing time and even now, some of them didn't quite know if they could trust their Defence Against the Dark Arts professor.

Hermione was walking through the rows of cauldrons when Masie Thornton put her hand up.

'Professor Granger? Will you tell us what Professor Snape is really like?'

Most of the students were aware that the professors were working together on a secret project and it was fast becoming the new gossip. Hermione smiled knowingly, but she also saw it as a chance to tell the truth on Severus' behalf. What she hadn't known at the time was that Severus was standing right outside the door, waiting for the class to end so he could walk Hermione to her lab. He had heard every word.

'Professor Snape is actually a normal human being,' she started. There were snickers from some of the students and Hermione grinned. 'I know, it's hard to believe, isn't it? But you have to remember that before, when I was still a student and the war was starting, the Professor was in a very stressful position. Can you imagine having to spy on Voldemort and how dangerous that was?'

Hermione took in the puzzled frowns as some of the students tried to imagine what that must have been like. 'Now imagine doing that and having no-one to talk to about it. Professor Snape couldn't trust anyone, apart from Headmaster Dumbledore. And you all know what he had to do. The Headmaster was dying anyway, but he made Professor Snape promise to kill him when he demanded it of him. The only person Professor Snape had to talk to, and he asked the unthinkable of him. And afterwards, he must have felt so alone...' Hermione put her hand over her heart as her voice caught. Speaking her thoughts out loud had triggered such a feeling of heartbreak she had tears in her eyes, and so did some of the students. 'Anyway,' she said, taking a deep breath. 'Bottle your Calming Draughts and leave them on my desk. And just remember what I said. Perhaps you could remember that Professor Snape is a bigger hero than Harry Potter and treat him with the respect he deserves?'

Hermione watched as the students filed out and almost fell over a desk when Severus walked in after the last one had left.

'You heard all of that, I take it?' She smiled ruefully, blushing to her roots. He was looking at her with such disbelief, the tears that had threatened suddenly spilled, and she brushed them away with the back of her hand. 'I meant it, you know. And I think it's important that they understand.' Hermione walked up to Severus and placed her hand on his arm, squeezing slightly. 'Come on, let's go to my lab.' She walked out of the classroom, but he called her back.

'Granger... Hermione,' he said softly. 'Thank you.'

Hermione smiled and nodded, and they walked down to her quarters side by side.

Things had gone so well since that time that Severus had invited Hermione to call him by his given name, and she had started to view him as a friend. Conversation was easier, they shared many common interests, and the Polyjuice testing had become more than just that for Hermione. He still insisted on calling her Granger, but she found that she liked it and let it go. They had completed almost twenty trials so far, but this time test was proving to be the most challenging of them all.

Going by the previous trials and gradually increasing the addition of pine needles to the potion, they determined that they should be able to remain in their changed forms for approximately eight hours. They had agreed that they would stay in Hermione's rooms for the duration, and she was trying to read to pass the time. She had discovered early in the trials that Snape wore reading glasses, something she wasn't used to. But it wasn't the wire and glass spectacles that were causing her problems. For six hours she had been Polyjuiced as her former Professor, and three glasses of water later, she desperately needed to pee. In a normal situation, this wouldn't have been a problem. The person being imitated wouldn't know that his hair had been borrowed for Polyjuice, thus he wouldn't know that a stranger was manhandling his genitalia to 'point Percy at the porcelain'. This wasn't the case for Hermione. She tried to ignore it and sat with a book on her knee, crossing her legs tightly and praying to Nimue that the urge to would go away. The problem was that the more she thought about it, the more the thought persisted. She looked across the hearth at Severus Snape and coughed to get his attention. It wasn't the brightest thing she'd ever done, because the pressure on her bladder was instantly heightened.

'Severus,' she said lightly. He looked up, pushing Hermione's curls out of his face and raised his eyebrow. Hermione took a breath and cursed herself for not even thinking that this situation might arise. 'I really need to pee.' she said in a rush.

The colour drained from his face, and he scowled at her furiously. 'This is why you need an antidote, Granger. I shall accompany you.'

'What?! No way! I can't... GO, with you in there!' Hermione felt herself blushing brightly. 'I'll wear gloves if it makes you feel better!'

Severus glared at her, and Hermione stood suddenly, her agitation obvious. 'Fine! But if you look, I will hex you from here to Durmstrang.'

Hermione all but ran to her bedroom and into the adjoining bathroom, immediately grappling with the fly of Snape's trousers. She groaned in frustration.

'Who has buttons on their fly?' she said angrily, fumbling as fast as she could to open them. Finally, she felt a chilly breeze, and stopped suddenly in shock. Snape wasn't wearing any underwear, and his meat and two veg were very aware of the cooler air circulating. Unfortunately, so was Hermione and the need to use the toilet overrode all rational thought, including any promise of wearing gloves. She hastily grabbed at Snape's cock and tried to aim it into the toilet bowl. She refused to look down, told herself that holding Professor Snape's cock in her hand was an everyday occurrence, and then let go with a sigh. The feeling of peeing through male genitalia was strange and alien, and to Hermione's dismay, the more urgent the stream, the seemingly harder it was to control. Without warning, Snape's cock jumped slightly upwards and pee hit the lid of the toilet and splashed back at her. She was so shocked, she let go but didn't stop the flow, and she cried in dismay as the stream of urine spurted around the toilet and then slowed to lesser flow all the way down Snape's trouser leg. She was too late, so she just sighed and waited for it to stop. Shuffling over to the sink, she washed her hands and then used her wand to clean up the mess and Scourgify Snape's trousers as best she could. She sighed as she fastened the fly, and then looked in the mirror. Her face – Snape's face – looked tired and drawn, and she unconsciously ran her fingers through his hair, something she had been dying to do. It was greasiest at the roots, but softer and silkier than she had imagined. She wondered if her own shampoo would help to counteract the grease, but resolved that the hair situation was a discussion for another day. With a deep breath, she steeled herself and opened the bathroom door.

***

Severus scowled down at the page he was trying to read and tried hard not to think about what was going on in the bathroom. In her haste, Granger had left the bed chamber door wide open, and he gave in to the urge to explore in an attempt at distraction. He stood, shaking Granger's curls from his eyes, and walked over and leant against the door jamb. He didn't mind curiosity but stepping into the room was going too far, even for an off-duty Slytherin spy. He scanned the room quickly, noticing that the bed was neat and tidy and that she had obviously done this herself rather than leaving it to the house elves. He also noticed that the counterpane was the one he used to use on this same bed, a dark green candlewick that had once belonged to his Grandmother. It was old and threadbare, and held no sentimental significance to him, but why Granger had decided to hang onto it baffled him somewhat. On the bedside cabinet was a stack of books, and thanks to Granger's perfect eyesight he could read from here that they were romantic novels of the Muggle variety. He shook his head in disbelief. Granger didn't strike him as the romantic type, and he wondered why she would fill her head with such clap-trap. He didn't have time to peruse the room further. The bathroom door suddenly opened, and rather than scurry back to his chair like a bad child, he stood straight and glared at the carbon copy of himself.

'What the hell were you doing in there?' he demanded.

'Calm down Severus, I didn't look. Anyway, what makes you think I haven't seen a penis before?' Granger as Snape arched a perfect eyebrow and walked past him with what looked suspiciously like his own smirk on her face.

Severus felt his stomach sink. He hadn't been as foolish to assume Granger was an innocent virgin, but he didn't want to dwell on such matters now that they had become friends, or whatever this was. Unfortunately, his very male brain had formed an lewd but gratifying image of Granger's hand around some unknown but throbbing, erect phallus, and unbidden, he felt himself blush combined with a twinge of something between his legs. Damn Granger and her female physiology. Blushing was something he didn't do, but in this body, he was sure that his innermost feelings were being played out all over his face. She had turned him into a Gryffindor.

He turned with as much dignity he could possess and walked back to his chair. He lifted his book to cover his face and made a pact not to speak to her until he was back in his own body. He tried to focus on his book, but all he could think about was Granger's previous sexual experiences, and his imagination ran riot. He guessed that it was Weasley, given the amount of time they had spent cosied up together in a tent during the war, and he squeezed his eyes shut in a bid to block out the image. He couldn't understand why it bothered him so much, apart from the fact that Granger should never waste herself on someone with such a lack of intelligence. But then, he supposed they could have spent most of their time shagging rather than talking. No wonder she got bored with him. Or...

'Are you still in touch with Weasley?' he asked suddenly. His own face fell as he stared at the shock on Grangers face and waited for the fall out.

***

Hermione stared in surprise. What on earth had prompted such a question, and from Severus of all people?

'I am friends with all of the Weasley's, but I suppose you mean Ron?' she replied ruefully. She shrugged and decided to answer Severus truthfully, even though she rather thought it was none of his business. They hadn't spoken about their lives beyond Hogwarts at all before this. 'I try and stay in touch. He doesn't. We had a misunderstanding, after the ball to celebrate the end of the war.' Hermione looked away and closed her eyes as the memory threatened to overtake her emotions.

'I apologise,' Severus said softly. 'I didn't mean to pry, but I heard you speak about Potter and his wife to Filius, and I was curious when you didn't mention the third wheel. I shouldn't have asked.'

'No,' Hermione sighed. 'It's fine. I should talk about it to someone, really. Not even Harry knows the truth of it. Ron and I... we were together for a while. You probably already know that. I had started to realise it was a mistake almost as soon as it started, because although we were friends, the only thing we had in common was Hogwarts and fighting the war. After that, our differences were so obvious even Neville could see we were wrong together. But Ron didn't see it. I tried to let him down lightly, drop hints...' she paused, and let out a long, slow breath. 'Ron had too much to drink at the ball, and tried to force himself on me. I had to Stupefy him,' she whispered. 'He felt terrible the next day, kept apologising and promising never to do it again. But I could never trust him, afterwards. I moved out of the Burrow and back in my parents' house the same day, and he hasn't spoken to me since.'

Hermione stopped talking and looked up at Severus. There was a look on steel in his eyes and his mouth was set in a thin, determined line. Hermione looked at him curiously and wondered if this was the look she wore when she felt someone had wronged a person she cared about. She gave him a small smile, grateful that he was angry on her behalf, and unthinking, she reached across and took a hold of his hand.

'I'm fine, Severus. Really,' she said, giving his hand a soft squeeze.

***

Severus stared at their hands for a moment, and then took hers more firmly in his. He valiantly fought the urge to pull her close and hold her, to take away the hurt she was feeling.

'You deserve better, Hermione,' he said quietly. He rather thought that he would like to be the man she deserved, and had an urge to make himself into someone worthy of her affections. He wished that he could fix everything for her. This witch had offered him friendship, and she had shared things with him that she hadn't even shared with Harry Potter. She was his bright light at the end of the tunnel, and now he was staring to see it. He deliberately ignored the voice in his head that was telling him not to confuse Hermione with Lily.

He was so far into his own thoughts that he felt rather than saw Hermione let go of his hand, and realised that they were both transforming back to themselves and that today's trial was finally over. Hermione waved her hand at the right moment, swapping their clothes, and suddenly, he was staring into Hermione's lovely face again. There were tears pricking her eyes, and it was clear she wanted to hide them from him. She stood then, all business.

'I should write up my notes and then get to bed. Thank you for your help, Severus. I'm sure you must have had better things to do than hang around here all night.'

Severus stood, aware that he was being dismissed and not knowing quite what to say. His eyes narrowed as he followed her through the lab and he paused as she opened the door, but refused to meet his gaze. He had never seen the witch act like this around him, but it was clear he was no longer wanted.

'Goodnight, Hermione,' he muttered as he left. He suddenly felt wrong footed, and his resolve to win the witch for his own crumbled at his feet. It was a ridiculous notion to think that just because she opened her heart to him and chose to touch him that her feelings would stretch any further. He was just in the right place at the right time, a listening ear.

He would do well to remember that, if he wanted to keep his heart in one piece.