Chapter 44

Severus was in his study, grading essays on defensive spells. September had leaked into October effortlessly and without incident, and Severus found himself feeling more relaxed than he had felt in years. He was beginning to sleep more peacefully; his recurring nightmares involving his near-death experience and the Dark Lord’s return had all but ceased. He had a job that he loved and a woman that he loved even more. Severus was, dare he even admit it to himself, happy. But he was also afraid.

He was afraid that, at any moment, this happiness would be taken away from him. Severus was not used to feeling happy and content, and even though he was enjoying the feeling of normality, he was still afraid he might ruin it once again, just like he ruined things with Lily.

Lily. He had hardly thought about her for months. It had seemed impossible at one time that he could ever give his heart to anyone else, such was the hold she’d had on him. Severus was starting to realise that he had never felt worthy of her and that part of his attraction to her was that she represented something he wanted to be, but never was: popular, kind, socially accepted, and inherently good. Severus has always thought himself as bad and tainted. His father’s abuse coupled with the bullying he suffered as a child and his subsequent slip into the Darkness had been a reflection of how he’d been treated, and therefore how he perceived himself: worthless, ugly, a misfit, and evil.

Lily had pushed him away because she had thought he’d been evil, too. That had caused him so much pain he’d cried at night for weeks. The reason he had invented the Muffliato charm was so that his dorm mates could not hear him sobbing his poor, wretched heart out, night after night. Lily, the one person who ever saw a scrap of good and decency in him, through his mistake, viewed him as the piece of scum that he was. What hope was there for him after that?

But as for Sarah... Sarah did not run from him. She had seen the worst of him, the most atrocious act he had ever committed, and yet she stayed. He had been cruel and nasty and he tried to push her away, but she had come back to him. She did not think he was evil. She thought him brave and strong, and... good. And she loved him. It made his heart swell each time he thought of it.

He stopped scratching on the parchment with his quill and placed it on the desk with a small sigh. His mouth twitched as he noticed the black and white photograph propped up on his desk. He loved that picture. It was taken spontaneously, just a few days ago. They were on the sofa in Sarah’s house.

He'd bought her a wizarding camera after much pleading on her part for him to show her one, not owning one of his own. The picture was taken at an angle because she had been holding the camera up, fooling around with it, whilst he was behind her, arms around her, burying his head in her neck to distract her and to not get into the picture. Bernard, her old tabby cat, marched back and forth across her knee, mewing silently and generally being a nuisance with his tail getting in the way. She was smiling and laughing, and he would look up occasionally, his black eyes glittering, a smile creeping on his face, too.

A smile formed on his mouth now. This was his family. He looked more happy and relaxed in that picture than he had done in years. It was difficult to believe it was the same man as the surly looking one in the annual school photo taken last year, hanging in the entrance hall. An idea formed in his mind; he could not wait. Pushing his chair to the side, he hurried to the headmistress’s office straight away.

***

"A Halloween Ball, Severus? Are you quite sure?" Minerva's voice was ringing with disbelief, and she was looking at him now with concern. She knew what Halloween had always meant for him: the heartache, the guilt, and the loss. The reminder of his perceived betrayal and the only person he'd ever cared about. The school had always celebrated Halloween with a sumptuous feast and had pumpkins adorning the hall. Severus rarely attended these, even. But a ball?

"Yes, Headmistress. Halloween is a wizarding holiday that even Muggles have heard of and celebrate. It is a specifically magical holiday. We should do more to promote it."

The older woman couldn't have looked more surprised than if he'd awarded fifty points to Hufflepuff. She thought on this for a moment.

"Well, it does seem as if many of our old traditions have been sadly lost by the wayside… When I was a girl, we'd play apple bobbing, forking for apples, and fishing for treacle scones in bowls of flour, before leaving a Sickle in a Pumpkin Pastry outside for the dead. I’m sure the school ghosts would enjoy a bit more of a celebration, too.” The headmistress cocked her head to one side. “Maybe we could get that ghost band in to play, what were they called again? Phil Phantom and the Spectres?”

Severus gave a tight smile. “An excellent idea. May I suggest, Headmistress, that we use this ball as a way of crossing over between Muggle and Wizarding traditions also? I believe it may assist both Muggle-borns and purebloods to discover something new.”

Minerva was regarding him now with a look that was nothing short of awe. It took her a few moments to respond.

“Severus... that is a wonderful idea! Simply wonderful!” She gripped on to the younger wizard’s arm with bony fingers. “Celebrating the traditions of both worlds, to encourage cohesion and understanding by using a familiar holiday...” She looked at him now with such pride and maternal love that he had to look down to avoid her gaze in case he blushed. “I shall get on to it straight away! Inform the faculty, and please get all heads of houses to notify the pupils. This will be the best ball Hogwarts has ever seen!”

Severus smiled as he watched Minerva bustle down the corridor with renewed vim and vigour. One thing was for sure, it was going to be the best Halloween he’d ever had.