Chapter 30

Albus' face creased immediately into a frown of concern as he watched the trembling girl in front of him.

"Do you know how to cast a Muffliato charm?" he asked, noticing the other portraits were beginning to look on at this scene with great interest. Sarah nodded; it was one of the first charms Severus had taught her, in anticipation of their often noisy love-making. With shaking hand, she withdrew her wand from her bag and cast the charm so that only Albus could hear what she had to say. The portrait of Phineas Nigellus huffed with displeasure, his beady eyes regarding her with suspicion.

"Start at the beginning, my dear," Albus encouraged. "Take your time."

Sarah took a deep, shuddering breath and wiped her eyes delicately with a finger. This was the second time she'd cried in front of Albus, and she was afraid she was beginning to make a habit of it. The old man seemed so kind and understanding though, such a welcoming presence, and she honestly did not know who else to turn to.

"I went away last weekend to stay with some friends," she began, hands twisting in her lap. "I told Severus I wouldn't be back until Monday, but I'd decided to come home early on Sunday night to surprise him." Sarah neglected to mention the surprise involved underwear, high heels and a coat! She took another ragged breath and continued. "I got back late afternoon on Sunday and then went to his cottage. I crept in as quietly as I could and discovered he wasn't in the lounge. I saw a bowl of some kind on his desk, and I had stupid images of him having a facial treatment, but when I looked in the bowl there was a swirling grey mass of what looked to be smoke. I stupidly put my hand in and then got sucked into it somehow. And before I knew what was happening, I was watching a scene being enacted, like a memory, of a group of men. They were surrounding this poor, helpless woman, and then... and then..."

She couldn't finish the sentence, dissolving once more into tears. Albus closed his eyes as she spoke, shaking his head ruefully from side to side.

"The Penseive," he muttered.

Sarah looked at him and blinked as he fixed his blue eyes on her.

"You stumbled across the Penseive, which is a magical device for storing and examining memories. I fear you happened across a particularly nasty one, belonging to Severus. I blame myself entirely, naturally."

Sarah blinked again. "You don't understand. I saw Severus, but he was much younger... and the men cheered him on... and he was on top of the woman and... Oh Albus, he raped her! And then he pulled me back up into reality and he was so angry. I've never seen him look so fierce! He asked me what I saw, but I couldn't speak, and then he shouted at me to get out. And I haven't spoken to him since." She looked down, breathing deeply, her bottom lip trembling with emotion. Albus watched her for a few moments.

"Are you sure that is what you saw?" he wondered carefully.

Sarah's eyes snapped back up at him. "I'm positive!"

"Are you sure that is what you saw, or is that what you thought you saw?" Albus asked again. "Things aren't always what they seem, especially when it comes to Severus Snape." Sarah made a noise of protest, but Albus continued. "I happen to know of the very memory you speak of, since I too have witnessed it."

Sarah looked shocked, waiting for him to elaborate.

Albus looked at her gravely now. "As you have read, Severus was once involved with a group called the Death Eaters. The Death Eaters were supporters of Lord Voldemort, a powerful and evil Dark wizard who had a reign of terror over the wizarding world in the late 70s and early 80s, and who came to power once again just a few years ago, the crux of which saw him vanquished at the Battle Of Hogwarts. It is important for you to understand that the Death Eaters performed many, many acts of cruelty and violence towards Muggles, that is to say, non-magical people, as well as wizards and witches of Muggle descent over the years.

"Severus joined the Death Eaters at a young age; he was only nineteen when he took the Dark Mark upon his arm, and he was promised greatness, power and respect by Voldemort. Severus at that time felt sympathy for the ideologies they began pedalling; mainly, a propaganda that wizards should rule over Muggles for their own good, because wizards, given their natural powers, were superior. He'd assumed power would be swift and effortless, and he was in no way prepared for the depths of cruelty to which Lord Voldemort and his followers would stoop to in the name of superiority.

"Severus soon felt revulsion for the Death Eaters and all of their actions, yet one could not simply turn away from the Dark Lord, as they called him, and expect life to go on. The price of deserting Voldemort was death. Severus was trapped; his life consumed by acts of depravity and torture that he no longer wanted any part of. Eventually, Voldemort had his sights on killing the one person Severus cared for. It was with desperation that Severus turned to me for help, to protect both this person and their family. I agreed, and agreed to protect Severus also, but only on my terms, and for a heavy price. I demanded that Severus take an Unbreakable Vow with me, swearing to fight against Voldemort, to protect Hogwarts and its students, and to do anything I asked him to do to achieve that end. Breaking this vow would lead to his death. Hence, when Voldemort came back to power at the beginning of the 90s, he became a double-agent, staying close to Voldemort's side whilst simultaneously feeding us, the resistance, with information.

"As part of his protection, I required to see all of Severus' memories. I needed to see them in order to see what he was capable of and all that he'd done, in order to trust him and to make a decision about whether he should take a teaching post at the school. Alas, there were some truly horrific memories, but none pertaining to children, and so he took up residency as Potions master. In all the time I've known him, I've grown to love him as a son, and I've been constantly amazed at how much hardship he can continue to bear."

Sarah was listening to all this with fascination and horror. What an appalling life he has lead, she thought, and fresh tears pricked her eyes with pity.

"And so we come to the memory in question. Yes, I too have seen this particular memory, and what an awful memory it is. Did you happen to hear what Severus said to the woman?"

Sarah shook her head.

"No, I would assume not, with those disgusting Death Eaters braying like animals all around. Severus was afraid, and he actually asked the woman to forgive him, because he had no choice. You must understand that if Severus did not comply with any of these actions, he would be singled out as weak and tortured himself. You must believe me when I tell you it was just as much as a rape for him as it was for that poor, wretched woman."

Sarah looked at him with round, bloodshot eyes.

"But he didn't look afraid. He looked..." Sarah struggled for the right word. "He looked determined!"

Albus sighed. "Severus is what is known as an Occlumens; that is, he is skilled in the art of Occlumency. An Occlumens can hide their true thoughts and feelings from others, especially from those who try to access them by force by using a power known as Legilimency. Legilimency is a form of brutal mind-reading, if you will. People who are skilled in one of these arts are usually also skilled in the other, and Severus is no exception. Although, he prefers not to use Legilimency unless strictly necessary, as he views it as a form of mental rape."

Albus peered over his half-moon spectacles and watched Sarah as she struggled to take all of this in.

"Has Severus ever done anything to you to cause you any harm?" he asked gently.

Sarah looked at her hands. He'd Stunned her by accident, and his demeanour could be intimidating and brash, but Sarah had to admit he'd never hurt her by using force. "No," she replied weakly.

Albus nodded, satisfied. "Do you love Severus?" he asked softly.

Sarah met his gaze and nodded.

Albus looked relieved. "That is a start. I know what you have seen is terrible, but I beg you to trust him and to trust me. As you know, Severus is a private man, and I would not betray his secrets lightly, except I feel responsible for this situation, and I feel I must make amends."

Sarah looked at him quizzically. "Why on Earth would this be your fault?"

Albus sighed again. "It was my idea for Severus to borrow the Pensieve in order to resolve some of his feelings about the past. I told him if he failed to do so, it would interfere with his relationship with you." He smiled down at her sadly. "What an old, meddling fool I am. I hope you can forgive me. In my overzealousness to help you and Severus to find happiness, I fear I may have blown it to smithereens. I would not blame you for being angry with me."

Sarah paused and took a deep breath.

"I'm not angry with you, Albus. I know you love and trust Severus, and I understand why you had to do what you had to do. And I'm not angry with Severus, either. I'm just so angry about everything he's been through, everything he's had to do. It's just so unfair!" She sobbed and bit down on a finger, determined not to cry again.

"Life has been cruel to Severus," Albus agreed. "Severus has atoned for all that he has done, and I know he punishes himself each and every day for the things he cannot undo. I ask you not to judge him on his past. It's not what someone was which is important; it's who they are now. And Severus is a complicated, damaged and fragile man, who needs time to heal. He is not, however, a bad man, no matter how he sees himself."

Sarah nodded and sniffed, processing this.

"Thank you, Albus, for being so honest with me." She gave him a watery smile.

"Dear girl, it was the least I could do. I would recommend, after your assessment, that you ask Minerva to show you to the library, where you can do some more background research into the war, and to the rise and fall of Lord Voldemort, so you have more of an in-depth understanding, rather than the brief outline I have given you here."

She sighed. "Then all I have to do is get him to speak to me again." She looked forlornly up at Albus, who smiled down at her in sympathy.

"Yes, that won't be an easy task. I would advise on persistence being your best strategy. From what I know of Severus, he would find it hard to contemplate that a woman found him attractive even if she were to strip naked and dance the Fandango in front of him!"

Sarah couldn't help but let out a small giggle at that. It was absolutely true!

Albus gazed at her kindly. "Don't give up on him, Sarah. It takes a special kind of bravery to love a man like Severus."

She smiled at him gratefully.

"Now, if you're feeling up to it, you better go and meet Minerva. You don't want her deducting house points from you before term time has even started!"

Sarah smiled again. "Thank you, Albus."

"Good luck, Sarah," he muttered quietly as she left the office and made her way down the spiral stairs. "You'll need it."