Chapter 33

Sarah's first reaction was to fly back to the kitchens and Floo back to the comfort of her own home to sob her heart out after the awful encounter with Severus. However, she'd had another motive for coming to the school this evening and wanted to ask Minerva regarding the payment of her equipment and how much she owed once she had set up a Gringotts account. Thankfully, at this time in the evening, all the pupils were in their respective common rooms, catching up with friends after their first day of lessons, so the corridors were quiet. She quickly found the nearest bathroom, rushed in and hid inside a cubicle until all her tears had been shed.

Composing herself after a few minutes, she washed her face and stared critically in the mirror. She looked tired, but that was to be expected. Splitting her time between the Muggle world and the magical world was already taking its toll, and she hadn't even had her first proper lesson yet. It was more the fact that she was bursting to tell someone, anyone, about her newfound powers, and to have to resist Summoning a book from the shelves at work was almost too much temptation to bear. Plus, she was constantly worried in case she would forget and accidently perform magic in front of a Muggle and have this whole world taken away from her from breaking the Statute of Secrecy. Not to mention the nausea and hollowness from the situation with Severus. It was exhausting.

Deciding her eyes were not bloodshot and that did not look like she'd been crying, Sarah smoothed her hair down and made her way to the headmistress's office. Within a matter of minutes she was stood outside the old oak door, rapping politely. The old lady's Scottish brogue greeted her with a stiff "Enter," and she swiftly closed the door behind her on the way in, pausing in front of the headmistress's desk. Minerva looked up over her spectacles, her eyebrows quirked in surprise, quill poised mid-sentence on her parchment.

"Sarah, what brings you here? Is everything alright?"

Sarah realised she must have looked anxious and made an effort to soften her facial expressions. "I'm absolutely fine, Professor. I just wanted to check something regarding my schooling equipment."

"Oh? Did Severus forget something? That would be most unlike him–"

"No!" She said, a little more fiercely than she intended. "No, not at all," she continued, steadying her voice. "The equipment is fantastic. It's just he said that you had the receipts, and I was wondering how much it cost because I'll need to reimburse the school once my Gringotts account is set up."

Minerva peered at her curiously. "Receipts? I don't have any receipts. Severus took care of it all. In fact, he was really quite insistent about it. I'd speak to him, dear." She continued scribbling away on her parchment.

This was news to Sarah. What is he playing at? She cleared her throat.

"Have you been sent an invoice from Gladrags at all today? I'd very much like to know how much to reimburse the school for my robes."

Minerva's brows knotted into a frown on her stony face. "I've no idea what you're talking about. I've not received any invoice from Gladrags."

Sarah's mouth gaped open. Surely... he didn't pay for everything? Her pulse quickened at the very thought.

"Er, I'm sorry, you're right, it's Professor Snape I should be talking to about this. I'm sorry to waste your time. Goodnight, Professor."

Sarah hurried out of the office, even more confused at Severus' behaviour.

"Goodnight, Sarah," murmured the older woman, a thoughtful look on her face.

* * *

It was a curious phenomenon, Severus noted, that the more sex one had, the more one wanted. Having gone for long periods of time between sexual trysts, often years, he'd been used to dampening his occasional ardour with his wrist and had locked the sexual being within him away so successfully he had no longer considered desire as an appetite to be regularly fulfilled.

Sure, there were undeniably some female students who blossomed in their seventh year into graceful beauties. But they were all so naive, so young, all fanciful and giggly, with a hopeless optimism which resulted from their immaturity. To Severus, they were still children, like little girls who dressed up in their mother's clothes and slapped on make-up, pretending to be grown-up. He never found himself attracted to any of them, no matter how pretty and well-groomed they were.

Severus was, it was commonly known, a borderline genius when it came to Potion making, and as well as being able to bottle fame, brew glory and put a stopper in death, he could also make several strong love potions and sexual attraction potions to bewitch the mind and ensnare the senses which, should he have had the inclination, he could have used on any number of unsuspecting women that had taken his fancy. Severus himself was not the kind of man to use tricks like this, even if his Death Eater comrades had taken advantage of his prodigious skills frequently.

Neither was Severus the sort of man to frequent the brothels in Knockturn Alley of his own volition, as consent was a big issue for him, and all the girls who worked there were, of course, under the Imperious Curse. Lucius had once offered to share a whore with him, as if he was offering Severus a sexual treat of such magnitude he would be unable to refuse. Severus was disgusted on many levels at the suggestion; at the thought of being in a sexual situation with Lucius Malfoy, at his blatant disregard for his wife, and for finding the idea of sex with one of those wretched women in any way arousing. He'd snapped back that he would never share a woman with anyone, to which Lucius had cruelly reminded him of the night he had lost his virginity.

He felt envious of Lucius' marriage to Narcissa, the latter of which doted on the former. Narcissa and Severus had developed an unspoken understanding as the years had gone on; maybe, in another universe, they could have made a formidable couple. Severus would have never acted on any of those thoughts. However, it showed the depth of respect he had for the woman that he'd agreed to take the Unbreakable Vow with her to protect her son.

As for her husband, quite how Lucius could willingly visit a prostitute or rape Muggle women when he had a devoted, beautiful, pure-blood wife who clearly loved him was beyond Severus' comprehension. Despite his often cold and impenetrable exterior, Severus was old-fashioned when it came to matters of the heart, and although he had no desire for children, he had once aspired to having a wife. For most of his adult life, he'd imagined Lily as his bride, torturing himself with dreams which had no way of coming true.

Yet Severus had never had as much as a relationship, let alone got close to taking a bride of his own. Throughout his adolescence and even when he was a young man, Severus had never attracted any female attention, his dour and fierce personality and unorthodox dark looks proved to be a hindrance to any burgeoning hormonal feelings he was experiencing. In truth, he felt if he couldn't have Lily, then he wasn't interested in having sex with anyone. That all changed on the awful night of his twentieth birthday, of course. As much as the experience was deeply repulsive, it set his mind into wondering just how the act could be between two people who wanted or loved each other. His involvement in the war against Voldemort meant he had to actively avoid getting close to anyone, which wasn't such a difficult feat for the moody, unapproachable Potions Master.

And so, until the time he'd met Sarah, Severus Snape could count the number of sexual experiences he'd had with women on two hands. This made it all the more remarkable that Sarah responded to his every touch, his every kiss, as if he were Don Juan himself. Although Severus had been limited in practical experience, he knew the theory of sexual relations inside out, and knew she wasn't faking her responses to him. He found it all rather baffling, but at the same time wonderful and special that they could stimulate each other to such heights of ecstasy.

For so long, he couldn't imagine loving anyone but Lily, until that is, the war was finally over, and he woke up to find her grip on his heart unusually absent. The change in his Patronus was the final proof that he'd let Lily go. From that moment on, he'd assumed his life would be absent of love and that he could never love another woman like he loved Lily. He had made peace with the fact that he would be forever on his own. That was, until the day he had gone to the woods in Spinner's End and caught sight of Sarah. Severus would not describe himself as being a particularly sentimental man, but he had known he loved Lily Evans from the moment he first saw her, and the same was true with Sarah Shaw.

They both had such overwhelming green eyes, yet that was where the similarities ended. Lily had pushed him away, to try and show him the error of his ways, for his own good. Now, twenty-odd years later and with a blacker, heavier heart, he was doing the same to Sarah: pushing her away for her own good.

Sarah was not Lily, though. Sarah loved him. Why did this terrify him so?