Chapter 32

Sarah pondered about seeing Severus on Monday. She wanted to heed Minerva's advice about wearing wizarding clothes when visiting, especially as term would have by then started, but she didn't possess anything that vaguely resembled a cloak. She'd thought she'd done a pretty decent job of looking vaguely witchy for a Muggle so far, but now realised that there was far more than just magic that she had to learn regarding the wizarding world.

Sarah took a closer look at the leaflet for Gladrags Wizardwear of Hogsmeade that Minerva had given her. The banner flashed incessantly, and the witch and wizard continued to pose shamelessly. She noticed a scrolling piece of text running underneath the flashing banner, which read:

Muggle money accepted (5% commission)

A star-shape exploded in the corner, with text inside winking:

Open 7 days a week!

Along the bottom twinkled silvery letters:

Floo in and see us today!

Perfect, she thought, grabbing her bag and rushing to the hearth. I hope this works, she worried as she threw a handful of Floo Powder into the grate.

"Gladrags Wizardwear of Hogsmeade!" she announced, stepping into the emerald-green flames, and found herself caught in the familiar jostling and spinning sensation. Sarah much preferred travelling by Floo than Apparition, but still hadn't mastered a graceful exit yet. She coughed, stumbling into a small shop filled with rack upon rack of brightly coloured clothes.

A small, pretty blonde witch in bright magenta robes who was fussing with one of the racks looked up at her with a smile.

"Good afternoon, Madam. Welcome to Gladrags. Do you require any assistance?" The witch flashed her dazzling smile of perfect white teeth, looking Sarah up and down and noting her visitor was dressed in the Muggle attire of jeans and t-shirt. Sarah looked back at her and smiled sheepishly, attempting not to blush at what a Muggle novice she must look and trying not to feel intimidated.

"Um, yes please. I need to buy some robes and a cloak."

"Certainly, Madam," the witch replied smoothly. "Everyday wear or formal wear?"

"Er... both. I don't actually own any wizarding clothes at all I'm afraid." She gave the blonde witch an apologetic smile, and the woman gave returned her smile slowly as if a lightbulb had come on in her head.

"You must be Miss Shaw," the witch said, breaking into a grin. "Minerva McGonnagall came in to take a leaflet and told us to expect you within the next few days. My name's Imogen and I'll be more than happy to help you."

Sarah gave an inward sigh of relief. Between them, Severus and Minerva had thought of everything, and she was incredibly grateful for their thoughtfulness.

Imogen was indeed very helpful, helping Sarah to choose some beautiful robes to set off her colouring nicely. She chose some ivy green robes and some deep blue robes for everyday wear, and some beautiful rich purple dress robes in a satin-like material. Finally, she decided on a modest, plain black cloak ("Black does go with everything," Imogen agreed).

"I hope you don't mind, but I can only pay with Muggle money," Sarah told the witch as she began to wrap up her purchases. The witch gave her an odd look in return, as if she'd said something silly.

"There's no need to pay, Miss Shaw. We have a credit note here from Hogwarts to invoice them for whatever you've bought today."

Sarah raised her eyebrows. Maybe it's the same with the equipment, she thought. Minerva will wait until my Gringotts account has been set up and then I can pay back whatever's owed in wizarding money. I'll check with her tomorrow.

Sarah grinned and thanked the witch before bidding her farewell and stepping once more into the flames back to Spinner's End.

* * *

On Monday evening, Sarah returned home from work and had a light dinner before changing into her brand new green robes, covering them with her cloak and Flooing over to Hogwarts. She knew this was not going to be easy, but everything she'd learned over the last few days had stiffened her resolve to show Severus that she cared for him and, more importantly, that she understood. Plus, she was deeply grateful that he'd gone to such effort to gather her schooling equipment and had not scrimped on either thoroughness or quality. The issue of setting up the account with Gringotts was the perfect alibi for a conversation.

Pulling her cloak around her, she made her way out from the kitchens and into the corridor. She knew Severus' classroom and the Slytherin common room were both in the dungeons, and that seemed as good a place as any to look for him. She crept cautiously down the stone corridors which lead to the dungeons, silently praying that she wouldn't run in to any wayward students. It was gloomier and cooler down here. She knew it was a long shot to try his classroom, but she hoped against hope she would be able to find him, to say what she needed to say.

She passed the open door of one classroom and peered inside. This was the room Severus had pointed out as his old classroom, when he used to teach Potions. The walls were lined with shelves full of different-sized, dusty bottles and vials, each containing interesting-looking liquids of many different colours. There were also jars of something unrecognisable; it looked to Sarah to be various creatures pickled and suspended in clear liquid. She grimaced, her eyes scanning the desks. Rows upon rows of cauldrons lined the tables in a uniform fashion. The room was orderly, yet very clearly unoccupied. Disappointed, she moved onwards.

She passed several more classrooms until she reached the large, imposing wooden door she recognised as belonging to Severus' classroom for Defence Against the Dark Arts. Now she was here, she was sure she would lose her nerve.

It takes a special kind of bravery to love a man like Severus.

Albus' words came back to her now, and she clung to them like a talisman, drawing courage from them. Taking a deep breath, she brought her hand up and rapped three times.

"Enter," growled the rich, familiar baritone.

Sarah's breath caught in her throat. Be brave, she thought, pulling the cloak from her and turning the massive iron doorknob.

Severus snapped his head towards the door, and for a moment she saw a brief flicker of surprise in his obsidian eyes. Then something seemed to shut down, and he appraised her coldly. That must be the Occlumency kicking in, she thought. He stood in silence, looking typically unfathomable and waited for her to speak, quirking a black eyebrow at her.

"I wanted to thank you for getting my equipment for me. It was very kind of you." She met his stoic gaze bravely.

"The headmistress asked me to; naturally, I obliged," he replied in a bored voice, brushing off her gratitude expertly. "If you have any issues regarding equipment, I suggest you see her, as I made perfectly clear in the accompanying letter." His onyx eyes glittered malevolently.

Ouch. Tough crowd.

"Maybe so, but I wanted to thank you in person, in particular for the scrying mirror and the crystal ball. They're very beautiful," she continued earnestly.

Severus felt wrong-footed by this. Damn the woman! Why wasn't she leaving already?

"I can assure you, the objects in question are not out of the ordinary," he answered cuttingly, as if she was in some way foolish. "If that will be all, I have a lesson to prepare for." He drew himself up to his full height, crossing his arms and fixing her with his most hostile glare.

"Well, Professor McGonnagall mentioned that you would take me to Gringotts–"

Severus huffed impatiently. "Yes, I have been ordered to assist you on that matter, and I will notify you by owl once I have secured a meeting," he bristled. "Now, if you'll excuse me...?" he said pointedly.

It's now or never. Deep breath.

"Severus... what I saw in the Pensieve –"

"You will address me as Professor Snape, whilst you are on school premises," he hissed. "And I have no inclination to elaborate on what you saw. I believe the memory spoke for itself." He was clenching his jaw in frustration. Sarah knew she was risking making him very angry indeed, but she was going to have her say even if he hexed her in the process.

"I know it wasn't like that. I know you were forced to do things you did not want to do. I've been reading all about the Death Eaters. I know you're a good man."

Severus snorted. "You know I'm a good man? You have absolutely no idea of what I am capable of. And as for you reading "all about the Death Eaters", I'm sure that makes you quite the expert now." The mocking tone of his voice made Sarah's stomach knot. "Trust a librarian to take solace in books," he jeered.

If Sarah was stung by this, she covered it well.

"I know that memory is painful for you," she said quietly. "It shocked and hurt me, too. But it doesn't change my feelings for you. Why don't you let me share this with you? I still love you, Severus."

Severus strode over towards her angrily, grabbing the top of her arm and wheeling her towards the door. "This conversation is over," he snarled.

"Severus, please! I mean it, I still care for you. Don't you have feelings for me too? If this is too hard for you with me knowing, why don't you just Obliviate me, and then we can forget all about this?" she pleaded desperately as he jostled her through the open door. He stopped, a cruel smile forming on his lips.

"And just why would I want to do that?" he asked softly, a dangerous tone creeping into his voice. "I'd much rather leave you with the memory. It will remind you just what kind of man I really am. Maybe it will teach you to choose your company more carefully next time." He sneered at her with open contempt.

"Why are you doing this?" she managed to gasp before Severus slammed the door in her face. Sarah couldn't help but feel wounded; it was as if he'd stuck a white-hot knife through her. As much as she told herself not to cry, the familiar rock of grief became lodged in her throat and soon the tears were flowing. She knew he was hurt and angry about having his most diabolical and painful secret revealed and saw how deeply he believed himself to be a villain. But he was so cruel, the way he was rejecting her love, and at this moment it was difficult not to think he was as evil as he'd described, and difficult to cling on to Albus' words about trust and the goodness inside him. This was not the Severus she knew, and it pained her to see him strike out like a feral beast at her when all she wanted to do was soothe him.

Clutching her cloak around her, she fled back up the corridor, stifling her sobs.

Severus meanwhile rested his back against the old wooden door, the sound of the slam still echoing off the stone walls, and closed his eyes, his hands shaking. Why am I doing this? For your own safety and protection, you silly girl. It is for the best this way. You may be upset for a week or so, but you'll get over it. It would only cause you further pain to be involved with a man like me. It is good for you to see how I really am. You deserve someone better. You'll realise you are a fool to waste your love on me.

He sighed loudly. His mind had reasoned that he'd categorically done the right thing.

So why does my heart feel like it's in a vise?