Chapter 17

Severus stared at her for several long moments, his face again an inscrutable mask. Sarah willed him to speak, her heart pounding furiously. The trees whispered in the breeze as the seconds ticked agonizingly by. Finally, he spoke, his voice full of forced geniality.

“I think you will like Jasmine’s. It specialises in cuisine from all around the world, and the wine there is second to none. I was fortunate to get a reservation at short notice. You should try the salmon. It really is –”

“Severus, did you hear what I just said? I love you.” She stared at him, waiting for him to respond. Words, however, felt coarse in his throat; he couldn’t say them. As the awkward silence stretched onwards, Sarah’s eyes filled with a look of indescribable pain. “Forget it,” she choked, turning away from him.

Severus was in that instance reminded of a time, many years ago, when another girl with devastatingly pretty green eyes had hold of his heart. He recognised the same expression of disappointment, of grief, that he’d inflicted on her. He’d let that particular girl slip away from him through not being able to show his true feelings. He was not going to let that happen again.

“NO!” he yelled, grabbing her gently but firmly by the wrist. “I... have the same feelings as you. And it absolutely terrifies me.”

She glanced at him and noticed his obsidian eyes were shining with desperation. He was shaking. She stepped closer to him now, concern etched on her face, and laid a hand gently on his shoulder.

“What are you afraid of?” she asked softly.

I’m afraid of you getting to know me and disliking me the more of me you see. I’m afraid you’ll find out what I was and what I’ve done and turn away from me. I’m afraid I’ll lose you, like I lost Lily. I’m afraid this is all some wonderful dream, and I’ll be woken up to the reality of an existence filled with loneliness. I’m afraid because I have no idea how a relationship is supposed to work, as I’ve never had one. I’m afraid to have such strong feelings for someone I’ve known less than a day. I’m afraid I’m not worthy of love. I’m afraid my soul is so damaged, I am unable to love.

“Everything,” he croaked.

Sarah simply reached forwards and embraced him, squeezing him tenderly, resting her head on his shoulder. She felt him tremble as he returned her embrace, and he clutched her tightly, almost fiercely, as if someone would snatch her away from him.

Oh, Severus, she thought. How unkind of me to force the issue with you. I’m so sorry.

“You don’t have to be afraid, Severus. My love won’t hurt you,” she said quietly, holding him close and stroking his hair with one hand.

He closed his eyes with the rhythmic stroking of his hair. He wasn’t used to being held like this by a lover. Her embrace soothed him and seemed to draw all the hurt and fear out of him and into her. After a while, their breathing became synchronised. She made no movement to pull away; neither did he. They didn’t even need words. Just the proximity of their bodies entwined together spoke volumes to Severus.

I’m here, I’m not going anywhere, believe me, I love you, Sarah thought over and over.

He didn’t know how long they had been standing there. It could have been minutes; it could have been hours. Still she held him, not letting him go.

The relative silence was broken suddenly by the sound of Sarah’s stomach making an untimely growl. He felt her shake with silent laughter.

“I think that may be our cue to go for lunch,” he said wryly.

“I’m so sorry, Severus. I was so nervous this morning, I never had breakfast.” She looked up at him sheepishly.

“Our reservation is at two.” He quickly checked his watch, then quirked his eyebrow. “It appears your magical abilities also extend to your stomach; it’s five to now. We should Apparate.” He paused, looking down at her with a smile that was reflected right back up at him. Thank you, for being you, he thought and kissed her forehead.