Chapter 37

Sarah had somehow managed to convince Professor Trelawney that her response to the sight in the crystal ball was due to the shock of the clarity of her vision. She had told the professor that she had seen a set of brass scales, which was part of the truth if not all of it, and that she'd interpreted that to mean that she needed more of a balance between Wicca and the wizarding world. Secretly, she believed this to be a truth, even if it was not remotely related to her vision. Trelawney meanwhile began heaping praise on to Sarah, telling her she'd seen a good omen in her morning tea leaves - that of an oak tree, which symbolises growth and spirituality. Sarah wasn't sure about that and hastily made her departure to the first place that came to mind which could provide both comfort and some answers - the library.

Her mind was still full of the image from the crystal ball as she weaved through the stone corridors. People were known to have died from a broken heart. Could people also die from the guilt, shame and anguish of their actions? Sarah's instinct told her that this was what was happening with Severus. From what she knew of him, Severus was indeed an intensely private man, and he probably never had either the inclination or opportunity to discuss his feelings in depth. Albus had told her he was a skilled Occlumens - maybe he was too good, and this was causing him harm? Sarah knew what she needed to do, but before she could approach this, she needed to get him to talk to her again.

The library was empty, much to her relief, and even being in the presence of the books gave her a sense of renewal and clarity of thought. Sarah had read many Muggle books on self-help and relationships, written by impossibly glamorous women with impossible ideas of how a relationship should be. Most seemed to underline the fact that the male should pursue the female and that women should not make the first move. Those women had obviously never dated Severus Snape, she thought with a snort. However, approaching Severus in a logical yet emotional, Ravenclaw way did not seem to work. She needed a different approach. Maybe she needed to fight fire with fire and be like a Slytherin? Treat a snake like a snake...

At this, a glimmer of an idea began to take shape in her mind. She began to research defensive spells, as she guessed she would need more in her arsenal than just Expelliarmus to confront him this time. She managed to find a few harmless yet useful spells, which she copied onto her parchment hastily. Poor Bernard. He's going to have to be my guinea pig tonight.

Next there was the issue of the scales. Balance. Sarah turned her attentions to researching all about memories, from extraction to storage, and read more in depth about the Pensieve and its uses. Some time later, when she was satisfied with everything she had discovered, she headed back to the kitchens in order to Floo home. Now I just need a way to contact him, she thought, weaving her way through the scurrying house elves. She almost bumped into one, carrying a huge tureen full of soup. She apologised to the mortified elf, which bobbed and curtseyed, nearly spilling the soup everywhere. Poor little things, she thought. Always so helpful.

A light bulb went off in her head. What had Winky said, when she brought her here for her induction? If you be needing me, you just call my name.

"Winky," she said slowly, not entirely sure if this was going to work. With a smart crack, the elf appeared in front of her, gazing up with her large orb-like eyes.

"Miss Shaw is calling Winky, Miss?" the little elf squeaked politely.

Sarah grinned, thrilled that it worked and that the elf remembered her. "Winky, would you be able to do me a favour?" she asked carefully.

The elf nodded enthusiastically, making her ears flap from side to side. "Yes, Miss, Winky is here to help, Miss."

"Winky, tomorrow evening at seven o'clock, I need you to find Professor Snape and tell him to come to the Astronomy Tower. Tell him that a student is in great danger and he must come immediately. I assure you that no-one will be harmed, but he must not know it is me who asked this of you. Can you do that?" she asked the elf kindly.

The elf nodded once more. "Winky is finding Professor Snape tomorrow at seven and sending him to the Astronomy Tower, just like Miss said," she squeaked.

"Thank you, Winky. This is really important and I really appreciate it." She reached down and stroked the little elf's face, which beamed up at her excitedly.

After Floo'ing home and grabbing a light bite to eat, Sarah began the task of preparing for her plan. She felt terribly guilty for practicing on Bernard, but she had no choice. Bernard did not seem too bothered by Silencio but was agitated by Impedimenta. Thankfully, it only took her two attempts to get it right, and it took many cat treats, rubs and tickles for the disgruntled cat to forgive her.

"It will be worth it, darling," she muttered to the cat, tickling it under its chin as he began to purr, signifying his forgiveness.

Next, she decided to brush up on Expelliarmus by practicing removing a candle out of candlestick. She was pleased with her progress, but she still had the most onerous task left to do. Summoning her courage, she took out a crystal vial from her trunk and took a deep breath before placing the tip of the wand to her forehead and concentrating on the first memory.

The chubby little girl sat on the lawn, cradling a dolly in her arms. She could have been no older than five or six. The bright yellow sun was shining down from a clear, blue sky, devoid of clouds. It could have been a picture of perfection, were it not for the angry yelling emanating from the open door. There was a loud shriek, which caused the girl to jump in shock.

"Don't cry, Allie," the girl told the doll, rocking back and forth. "Daddy doesn't mean to hurt Mummy." She held the doll close, breathing into its matted hair. The arguing increased in volume until there was a bang and a blood-curdling scream. The little girl froze, fear etched on her tiny face, her green eyes wide. "Mummy," she whimpered, clutching the doll even tighter.

Sarah drew the memory away with her wand, lip quivering, patting the delicate silver frond inside the glass vial. Once it was safely inside, she placed the wand back to her temple and began focusing on the next one.

The schoolgirl hurried down the road as fast as her tubby little legs could carry her. If she could just make it to the bottom of the road without being seen, she might just manage to avoid them. Her heart was racing with the exertion, and sweat had started to form on her forehead and upper lip, making strands of hair stick to her neck and face. Suddenly, she heard the thump of footsteps approaching from behind her. Dread curled a cold hand around her insides. Not again.

"Go on! Kick her up the arse!" encouraged the first boy, and the freckly kid booted her with all his might. The force made her fall forward on to the ground. Sarah was sobbing now, trying to hide her face in her hands as they began a relentless assault, slapping, pinching, pulling at her hair. Sarah kept her hands over her face and did not respond save for her sobbing. Eventually, the boys gave up and left her crumpled on the floor, covered in bruises and her own snot and tears.

Sarah pulled this memory away and poked it down into the vial. She found her pulse had increased, and she was shaking slightly. The memories were difficult to face again, even though she'd resolved her feelings about them, but to her mind this was the only way to reach equilibrium. Steadying herself by taking a deep breath, she again brought the wand to her head and concentrated hard on the third memory.

There were lots of people, all milling around the front of a church, looking sombre. The girl was there, squeezing tightly to the hand of a younger boy. She looked to be a teenager now, and had lost most of her puppy fat, although she could not exactly be described as thin. She was dressed all in black, as were the rest of the crowd. She looked pale and tired, and had obviously been crying a great deal.

The old lady gave them both a sad smile and walked away, leaving them to their own private grief.

As Sarah brought this memory to the vial, she found her cheeks were damp with tears. She'd lost her mother over ten years ago and had come to terms with it. Of course, she missed her, and would give anything to have her back, but her absence was only a fact now. The sun is yellow. The sky is blue. My mum is dead. She was startled to discover how upsetting the memory of her burial actually was. She took a few moments to calm herself, wiping the tears on the back of her hands. Be strong. One more to go. For the last time, Sarah raised her wand, closed her eyes and remembered.

"John! Will you hurry up in there? I need a wee!" Sarah banged on the door crossly. He'd been in there for half an hour now. Was he constipated or something? A low moan issued from the bathroom in response.

"John, you idiot! What have you done!"

Sarah drew the final thought into the vial and, with shaking hands, sealed it with a cork. She placed it carefully in a drawer and then collapsed on the sofa, shaking. She knew this part would be hard, but she wasn't prepared for it to be so emotionally draining. She brought her knees up and hugged them, taking in deep breaths. She felt the light patter of Bernard jumping up beside her, and he gave a consolatory meow. She reached a hand out to him with a watery smile.

"This was never going to be easy, was it?" she asked the cat, running a hand along his back and curving up over his tail. The cat meowed again before jumping off the sofa and trotting over to his bed, looking over his shoulder at her.

Sarah stretched languidly. "Yes, you're right. I do need an early night. It's going to be an interesting day tomorrow."

With that, she got up off the sofa and made her way up the stairs, giving Bernard a quick goodnight tickle as she passed.