Chapter Seventeen: Christmas Comes But Once a Year

Disclaimer: The characters and settings belong to JKR, only the plot shenanigans are mine.

Chapter Seventeen: Christmas Comes But Once a Year

"Come on, 'Mione! Get up! It's Christmas Day!"

"Oh, for Merlin's sake, stop banging on the bloody door, Ron. You're not five years old!"

"Pretty please. We have some great presents for you."

"Oh, all right. I'll be down in a minute. Just let me use the loo."

"Five minutes, or I'll be back to carry you downstairs myself."

"Five minutes. I promise."

...

"Oh! You're in here."

"So I am."

"Er... You're naked."

"You noticed. I'm usually naked when I've just finished bathing."

"Are you usually that... er... hard? Not that I'm complaining – the view's great from where I'm standing."

"Granger. Will you stop staring at my penis? It isn't helping."

"You like me looking at it?"

"What do you think? I'm a man. You're the woman I desire. Of course I'm enjoying you looking at me. I just don't think you should."

"Can I touch then?"

"Arggh. No."

"Just a little stroke?"

"No!"

"Perhaps, if I got down onto my knees and... Oh. Too late. I'll just..."

"Granger, what are you doing?"

"Tasting you. Mmm, essence of Snape. Not as bad as I thought it would be."

"You've been thinking about the flavour of my..."

"Well, you won't let us do anything, so my imagination is all I have left. Oh, bugger, I can hear Ron coming back upstairs. I'll have to leave you to clean yourself up. Not that I would have minded helping..."

"Just go, Granger, before your redheaded friend starts asking awkward questions."

***

Snape

Oh, gods, did that really happen, or am I suffering from some weird hallucination brought about by intense sexual frustration? Did I just explode at the very thought of her taking me into her mouth? Did she really scoop up my semen on her finger and taste it?

Doesn't help when my bloody cock's back at full alert just at the sight of her moist, pink tongue licking her finger with such enjoyment. I can't go downstairs like this.

Won't take long. Never does when she's on my mind.

Ahh. Ahhh. Gods, Hermione!

***

"Finally! What took you so long?"

"A girl's got to do what a girl's got to do, Ron. Now, where are all these presents?"

"A whole pile arrived earlier by Ministry owl. Some are for you, and some are for 'Seth'."

"Those girls! They must have asked Kingsley to help."

"Girls? What girls?"

"Just some Muggle friends I made at the school, Harry."

"So, how did they know where to send the owl? How did they know how to send an owl?"

"I told you, boys. They witnessed Snape and I using magic and also helped catch Edgely. I convinced Kingsley to swear them to an Oath of Secrecy, because I wanted to remain in contact with them."

"Oh, that's right. You told us that over dinner the other day."

"And Merlin forbid you pay attention to anything other than the food on your plate, Ronald Weasley."

"Are you going to open them?"

"No, we should wait for Snape to come down. He was... er... in the bathroom when I came downstairs. He shouldn't be too long."

"Oh. Okay. Can we open ours then?"

"Good grief. You're no better than when you were eleven, Harry. Go ahead. I'm sure Snape isn't the least bit interested in your gifts."

"Hey, look! A new jumper! Cool!"

"Harry, you idiot! Mum sends you a new jumper every Christmas."

"I know, but it's still a surprise finding out what's on the front... Oh, it's Grindelwald's mark. How... interesting."

"Bloody hell. I'll have a word with her about that, Harry. It's not really appropriate."

"S'okay, Ron. She meant well. What have you got?"

"Basilisk fangs. Complete with blood. Hermione?"

"I've got a picture of a tent. Is she trying to torment me?"

"No. It's just Mum's weird sense of humour. It'll get worse as we get older – trust me. She knitted Bill one with a naked woman on it once because she thought it was time he got himself a girlfriend."

"She didn't!"

"She did. He hid it in the back of his wardrobe for a year or so until she'd forgotten about it, then gave it to Mundungus."

"Good morning, children. I see you couldn't wait until you went to the Burrow for Christmas dinner."

"Good morning, old man. Christmas morning present opening is traditional. Look, there's even some for you."

"For me? From whom, Granger?"

"Open them and find out. I have some too."

"Come on, professor. Let's see what you've got."

"Been there, done that."

"What was that, 'Mione?"

"Oh, nothing, Ron."

"What the hell is this thing?"

"A T-shirt, Snape."

"I know what a T-shirt is, Granger. I mean this!"

"Oh, that's priceless! Who sent it?"

"Amelia bloody Radford."

"Why doesn't that surprise me? Well, are you going to try it on?"

"I am not wearing a green T-shirt emblazoned with the slogan Super Saxy written in red, sparkly text!"

"It's Christmas. It's festive. We're all wearing our jumpers. Just put it on under your shirt. No-one else will know. And don't put your shirt back on until you've modelled it for us, Saxy-babe!"

"Hermione. I don't know what went on in that Muggle school, but that's Severus Snape you're teasing. Students don't tease Snape. Hell, I bet his colleagues don't dare tease him. He's been in an amazingly reasonable mood since you two returned – please don't spoil it!"

"Don't be such a wet blanket, Harry. Snape loves it."

"I love what, Granger?"

"Being tormented. Hmm, that looks good. Shows off your muscles. Turn around."

"Are you finished examining me, woman? Why don't you open one of your own gifts?"

"Professor, you do realise you don't have to do what she says. She's bossy enough at the best of times; if you start giving in, she'll make our life hell."

"I'll try and remember that, Weasley."

"Look! Cathy sent me some of the hand lotion her mother makes. I was always borrowing some."

"A Muggle product. May I examine it?"

"Go ahead. It's made from all natural products: beeswax, honey, and various herbs. Right, Harry, it's your turn. What else have you got?"

"Let's see. Here's one from... er... I'll leave that one until later."

"Bet it's from Ginny. What's the matter, Harry? Afraid my little sister has given you something personal?"

"Maybe. Perhaps I'll open yours instead... Cool! New Quidditch gloves. Thanks, mate!"

"You're welcome. I'll open this one from you... Wow! Is that real obsidian?"

"Yeah. I saw the set in the shop in Diagon Alley. I knew your old chess pieces were getting tired."

"Thanks, Harry. Want a game later?"

"Of course. I'm counting on it. Now, Professor, your turn again."

"If I must."

"Yes, you do, Snape. Open the one from Lee."

"I'm almost afraid to look. At least it's too small to be another T-shirt. Oh. That's quite thoughtful of the girl."

"What is it?"

"Cufflinks. In the shape of musical notes."

"Oh, they're lovely. See, I told you they liked you. Now, this one's also from Lee."

"She appears to have a sense of humour. A brooch to match my cufflinks. How... curious."

"Well, we were a team, weren't we?"

"Indeed."

"Boys? You're next."

"We've both got boxes of Weasleys' Wizarding Wheezes from George. Of course, you never saw anything, professor."

"As long as they do not appear in my classroom..."

"Wizard's honour, professor. We'll only use them to play tricks on other teachers."

"Ron! You will not be using them in any classrooms!"

"You're no fun, 'Mione."

"What did Cathy send you?"

"It appears to be a photograph."

"Are they Hermione's friends, professor? And why are they wearing T-shirts with Seth's Fan Club on them? That's kind of disturbing."

"Yeah, but she's cute. Can you introduce us some time, 'Mione?"

"That's Amelia, Ron. And yes, I'll introduce you to her one day, as long as you promise to behave like a gentleman. I'll just open this little parcel from her. Oh, my! That's... that's... hilarious! And so apt."

"What is it, 'Mione? What's so funny?"

"Hermione, why did she send you a badge with the professor's picture on it? And what does W.I.L.F. stand for?"

"You don't want to know, boys. Just don't ask."

"Granger... If you must wear that badge, I insist you tell me what the acronym means."

"Come here. I'll whisper it to you."

"Ron, why is Snape blushing?"

"No idea, mate, no idea. Let's open some more presents!"

***

Snape

Only a few more days to go before I can return to the relative safety of Hogwarts. I wish she'd stop wearing that badge. Sooner or later, someone is going to figure out the meaning, and then all hell will let loose. She swears it's a spoof on an obscure Muggle reference, but I nearly had to leave when young Ginevra Weasley asked her to explain in front of the entire Weasley clan.

Thank Merlin the eggnog exploded just then. I suspect George had spiked it once too often.

Granger's been extremely quiet over the last week. Spends all her time with her head in her books. Even the tiresome twosome have given up on her. At least I can watch her from this corner while she studies. Might as well take the opportunity now while I can.

New Year's Eve tonight. I'd better hide in the library, or she will take advantage of the situation.

I hope she finds me.

***

A/N: W.I.L.F badges have been circulating recently. The acronym is a parody on the word milf. If you don't know what that means, I suggest you look it up.

This was written for the Severus Big Bang Birthday Bash on LiveJournal and betaed by the marvellous karelia.