Chapter Three: Planning the Mission

Disclaimer: They are not mine, unfortunately. Anything that sounds familiar belongs to J.K.R. The rest comes from my warped imagination.

Chapter Three: Planning the Mission

"You look displeased, Miss Granger. I would have thought the extra challenge this assignment provides would suit you perfectly."

"I'm sure with a considerate and like-minded partner, it would be an interesting and exciting mission. However, I have you."

"Tut, tut, Miss Granger. I should deduct points for insolence."

"Tough. We're not going back to Hogwarts next term, and it's the holidays. You can deduct all the points you want. It's your breath you're wasting, not mine. Now, was there anything important you wished to discuss, sir?"

"Our task. And make no mistake, Miss Granger, I am no more enamoured of the idea than you. So I suggest you adjust your attitude and listen."

"My attitude? I'm not the one who's been stalking around the house seething for the last four weeks. We are stuck here against our will as well, but we are trying to make the best of it."

"And that includes a slanging match with Weasley at lunch?"

"Ron was being a prat. As usual. I'd just told him we had been ordered to go undercover instead of going to Hogwarts as planned, and he went ballistic. Said I couldn't be his girlfriend if I went away. I don't want to be the daft prat's girlfriend! I'm being forced to abandon my education, all but abandon my magic, and spend three months associating closely with you! And my fucking monthly is due, if you must know!"

"Oh."

"Yes, that's right. Typical male. One hint of PMS and they run and hide. Good riddance!"

***

"Here. Try this."

"What is it? Don't you think poisoning me is a bit obvious?"

"Just drink it, you sharp-tongued harridan. It helps relieve the symptoms of PMS."

"Why are you being nice to me? Getting in practice?"

"Miss Granger, I just need to be able to have a discussion about our task without you transforming into a screaming fishwife every time I say something. Tell me, do Potter and Weasley have to put up with this every month?"

"No. They've learned to bring me chocolate. Lots of chocolate. But as certain people around here won't even let us set foot out of the door..."

"There, that wasn't so bad, was it?"

"Ah. That's better. Didn't even taste revolting."

"Not everything I brew tastes bad."

"No, just ninety-nine percent of it. What was it you used to tell us about imbuing potions with your own magic as you brew? Perhaps personality has an effect too?"

"Perhaps. Nevertheless, this does not address the task we need to perform. As Kingsley said, I will be installed as the Music master, and you will be enrolled as a sixth year student taking the minimum number of subjects required. He has arranged for me to be accommodated in a staff cottage very close to your boarding house. As such, we should be able to arrange discreet meetings for you to report any findings. We're to avoid using any magic, so as not to alert whomever it is causing the magical disruption.

"They have an appalling lack of information, just that someone is performing magic within the main school building, and the wand is not traceable to any registered source. To date, they do not even know whether the magic performed is for good or nefarious purposes, or whether it is a staff member or a student. We will need to be very alert to any traces of magic and follow any suspicious persons nearby until we find the witch or wizard responsible."

"Could it be someone unknown to Hogwarts manifesting uncontrolled magic?"

"Unlikely. The analysis of the pattern suggests it is controlled, wand-driven magic, and the register at Hogwarts has not missed an incipient witch or wizard yet. Not all of them attend the school, but they are tracked from the moment they first manifest."

"Ew. Big Brother is watching you. Never mind, Muggle reference."

"I have read Orwell. I was simply surprised at you using it in that context. Magical children are monitored simply to keep them and their friends and families safe."

"That was the justification for Big Brother. I see little difference. A paternalistic bureaucracy maintaining the power in the system by controlling the lives and choices of the individual."

"I'm not discussing ethics and morality with an eighteen-year-old, Miss Granger. Can we get back to the topic in hand?"

"Perhaps you should take a potion yourself, sir. For that headache."

"How did you know I..."

"I think the way you were frowning and rubbing your temples might have been a slight giveaway."

"I wouldn't have a headache if I didn't have to deal with infernal, Gryffindor..."

"Now, Professor. There's no need to be insulting!"

"Fine. We shall continue this conversation another time."

"Certainly, sir."

***

Hermione

Now, what was that all about? First, he brings me a potion, obviously freshly brewed, and then we manage a discussion without coming to too many verbal blows? Is there something wrong with him? I was just beginning to enjoy winding him up. Much more entertaining than, "Yes, Professor Snape, sir. No, Professor Snape, sir," all the time. He almost seemed to be enjoying it too while we were with Kingsley. Bloody men, they're all the same. Just when you think you're beginning to understand them, they change their behaviour. Bastards.

I suppose I have to accept it. I'm going undercover with one of the most unpleasant men I know, and there's not a thing I can do about it. If nothing else, I'll get some fun watching Snape play Muggle. Pity I don't own a video camera.

Look at him. All trussed up in those wizarding robes as if it was the middle of winter. You'd think he'd melt if any skin was exposed. He's going to look quite different in Muggle clothing.

***

Snape

Damn. Did I just allow the little brat to scold me? I must be losing my touch. And she keeps insulting me as if she has forgotten I'm her professor. Fucking impertinent witch. Although her analogy using Orwell was surprisingly insightful for her age, if not a little cynical.

I'd better get used to her change of attitude. Sounds like it would be acceptable behaviour in the Muggle school, although why they would tolerate such disrespect is beyond me. They need to start awarding proper detentions and other punishments, or the children will run riot.

There she is, chewing her lip and frowning as usual. What's the matter, Granger, the thought of being Miss Average too much for your ego?

What the hell is she laughing about? There's no-one else in the room but me. She was studying me, the chit. What's so funny, Granger?

***

"Excuse me, sir. I have a question."

"I know."

"What do you mean, you know?"

"You always have a question. Or two. Or fifty."

"That is uncalled for, Professor. I simply..."

"Have plagued me with questions from your very first Potions class. Why would now be any different?"

...

"All right. What is it?"

"Names."

"Names?"

"Names. Kingsley told us to think of appropriate names to use and let him know by today. Have you had any ideas?"

"How difficult can it be? I'll be... Right. I see your point."

"We need to keep the same initials, so if we slip up it'll be less obvious. And it will make it easier if we have to sign anything."

"I do not plan to slip up."

"Nevertheless, however remote the possibility, it still needs to be considered."

"Very well. I shall be Stephen Sneyd, and you shall be Harmony Grant."

"Harmony? What sort of name is that?"

"It's close enough to Hermione so a slip won't be noticed, and you can always tell anyone who asks your parents were peace-loving hippies."

"You are hardly likely to slip up and call me Hermione, sir."

"I was thinking more of when you are introducing yourself, Miss Granger, and when your name is called. It will be easier for you to answer to something that sounds similar to your own name."

"But Stephen does not sound like Severus, sir."

"Sneyd, however, is similar to Snape. I do not encourage familiarity, even from my colleagues, Miss Granger."

"Which is fine at Hogwarts, Professor, but this is a Muggle school. If you expect to blend in, you will need to use your first name with the staff. How about Sebastian?"

"Do I look like a Sebastian?"

"Er... no. Selwyn? Sefton? Hmm. No. I suppose not. I've got it! Seth. That's a nice, simple name. Manly even. Don't roll your eyes, sir. It's not polite. Besides, I think Seth suits you."

"And who am I to argue with the Gryffindor know-it-all. Seth it shall be."

"You chose my name, so it's fair. And don't call me a know-it-all!"

"Why not?"

"It's not nice."

"Miss Granger, no-one ever suspected me of being nice."

"You can say that again."

***

Hermione

Bugger!

I forgot Kingsley told me to take him shopping and get his hair seen to. I can see it now, Snape stalking around the department store, snarling at anyone who comes near and wanting everything in black. Well, I've got news for you, laddie, and it's all bad!

Okay. I really shouldn't take pleasure in that.

But I shall.

A music teacher. Hmm. They are usually nerdy, socially inept types or bohemian geniuses. He needs to gather information, so the nerd is out. Snape, you're in real trouble now.

Calm down, Hermione. He's back and watching you again. Laughing to yourself will only raise the paranoid git's suspicions. Not that he wouldn't be justified. Hell, I'd be suspicious of me if I started chuckling evilly to myself in front of others.

That's better. Serene, undisturbed, mature.

Snape in jeans and a scruffy T-shirt with a slogan scrawled across his chest. No. The school wouldn't allow that. Nice image, though. He'd look good in tight jeans.

I did not just think that.

...

So, nerd's out, bohemian's out, what to do?

Herms, you idiot, he plays the sax! He needs to be cool, have his own style, smooth. Like to see him pull that little bit of acting off. I know just the place to shop. All I have to do is to get him to co-operate. Splendid.

Wonder what he's thinking? His cheeks are awfully red.

***

Snape

Oh, fuck. I have to take her shopping. Or rather, she has to supervise my clothing purchases. What's she going to do? Measure my inside leg?

Down, boy. She's not going to be there.

I need to get laid. Badly.

***

"So, Professor, when do we go shopping?"

"There's no rush. We have six weeks before term starts to organise our affairs."

"I thought you might need some time to get used to your new clothes and hairstyle."

"Hairstyle? No-one said anything about changing my hair!"

"But, sir. Male teachers in Muggle schools, especially boarding schools, simply don't have long hair, unless they are ageing hippie art-teachers. Would you like to use that look?"

"Don't play the innocent with me, girl. You know perfectly well I have to blend in."

"Then, we'll need to get your hair cut, and probably a little grey wouldn't go amiss. By the time most Muggles have reached their forties they usually have a few grey hairs."

"Thirty-eight."

"Pardon?"

"I'm not in my forties, I'm thirty-eight!"

"Sorry, sir. My mistake. Actually, that's better. Fits the idea I had."

"What idea? I don't suppose it involves a tattoo or two? They seem to go along with most jobs I get myself into."

"I hardly think tattoos would be appropriate. No, I was thinking along the lines of smooth and stylish. It's a fairly posh boarding school, but you'll be a music teacher, so you'll hardly be expected to belong to the conservative suit and tie brigade. What about some dark, well-fitted trousers, a coloured shirt, and a pinstriped waistcoat? Of course, your dragon-hide boots will work perfectly as they are."

"And the tie?"

"No tie. Seth Sneyd is far too cool to wear a tie. Your hair could be a little shorter, perhaps to the base of your neck and layered back off your face with a little length over your forehead, just enough to be stylishly tousled. Of course, you would actually need to wash it and use something to..."

"Miss Granger, you are coming perilously close to the edge of my tolerance. My hair is greasy naturally. It is washed regularly. What you see is what you get."

"Oh, for heaven's sake. Are you a Potions expert or not? Even I could create a simple degreasing shampoo. You just don't want to make the effort. Are you afraid someone might actually like you if you improved your appearance? Never mind. Don't answer that.

"Now, for weekends and such, you'll need casual clothes. A good pair of jeans, T-shirts, and a black waistcoat should do it."

"Why are you so obsessed with waistcoats, Miss Granger?"

"Simple, really. We can use that as your 'signature' look. By always wearing a waistcoat, it becomes a point of difference, but focuses people's attention on the waistcoat, not you."

"Very clever, but I was planning to remain unobtrusive. Dressing outlandishly is hardly conducive to subtlety. You obviously have a lot to learn about spying."

"And you have a lot to learn about Muggles. I shall be the average student – wearing uniform and blending in with the others while listening and watching for any information. You, however, will be the distraction – the bait, as it were. While everyone is talking about the groovy, new music teacher, I can sniff around a bit in the background. And if you can manage to act cool and laid back, you might find other staff members actually talk to you. If you turned up dressed as yet another boring, ordinary teacher, it could take weeks to develop any decent contacts. This way, you will make an impact, which should draw the female staff if nothing else. And I'll bet they will be your best source of information about any strange occurrences."

"When you said bait you really meant it, didn't you? I'm not sure I can live up to your expectations, Miss Granger. There's only so much improvement to be gained."

"Oh, bollocks. With the right hairstyle and clothes and a smile, you'd be surprised. Just make sure your true personality doesn't surface... sir."

"I assure you, I have been acting a role since before you were born. I do not doubt I could perform adequately. Your plan does have some merit, Miss Granger. However, I reserve the right of final approval of any clothing choices; is that clear?"

"Perfectly, professor."

***

Hermione

Well, that was interesting. Taking a professor shopping was hardly what I would have expected to be doing over summer, especially him. I wonder what was going through that convoluted mind of his when the shop assistant was measuring him. I thought he was going to pull out his wand when the girl measured his inside leg.

Lucky bitch.

Oh, bloody hell, there I go again. Must stop thinking lewd thoughts about the git. It's unnatural!

He did well, really, despite the fact he looked mortified ninety percent of the time. Half a dozen shirts and not one of them black. Even a red one, which looked damned good on him. I'm having a nasty, Gryffindor influence on his wardrobe. Three waistcoats. I think he quite liked them. He'd never admit to it, though.

I can't believe he bought jeans. Or what a nice, tight arse he has. Snape of all people. Pity I can't tell anyone. Not that they'd believe me, anyway.

The haircut looks good. Makes him look far more Muggle. He'll never be a cover model, but at least he looks halfway decent now. Getting it off his face was half the battle. Wonder if he'll keep it short when he gets back to Hogwarts? I'm beginning to think we might just succeed at this ridiculous mission, after all.

***

Snape

Oh, gods, that was the most embarrassing afternoon of my life. Having my inside leg measured by a young girl was so unseemly. And all Granger could do was grin inanely. Then, she chooses the most impractical coloured shirts. How can I hide potions splashes on light-coloured shirts?

Oh, right.

No potions.

Fucking know-it-all.

I think I surprised her with the jeans. Caught her ogling my bum in the mirror. Ha! Consider that payback for the wet T-shirt incident, witch. Don't know about the hair. It's a bit hard to hide behind when it's short and combed back. I like the waistcoats, though. Makes the Professor look stylish. I should dress this way when I return to Hogwarts. That would shock them all. Maybe Minerva would stop harping on about my appearance. Not that it makes any difference to Granger's bossy, overbearing attitude.

Has she always been this bad?

***

A/N: This was written for the Severus Big Bang Birthday Bash on LiveJournal. I challenged myself to write a multichaptered story using only Severus and Hermione's train of thought and unembellished dialogue without any accompanying narrative.

Many thanks to ladyinthecloak for her beta skills and the girls at work, who all helped in various ways.