Chapter Nineteen: Waves break loud on the seashores

Chapter Nineteen: Waves break loud on the seashores

19 April 1998

Minerva pushed open the door to the guest room to find Gareth sitting in the rocking chair reading Arithmancy Today and Severus asleep with Modern European Potions open on his lap. Gareth raised a finger to his lips and stood gracefully, placing the journal on the seat of the chair. He followed his aunt out into the sitting room, closing the door quietly behind him.

"Are you back, then?" he asked.

"No, just checking on you. I have work awaiting me in my office. When I saw Robbie and he told me that he had left you here with Severus, I was concerned, to be frank," Minerva said. "I also wanted to tell Severus that he can shower today as long as he has help. Poppy said that someone should stay with him and that his back should have an Impervius cast on the healing area. She is willing to come by to help him tonight, but Robbie said he can do it after dinner. I think that Severus would prefer that."

"I'll let him know when he wakes up," Gareth said with a nod. "Personally, I wouldn't mind having Poppy's help in the shower." He grinned.

Minerva smiled. "You are incorrigible, Gareth."

"I hope so! But a mediwitch or mediwizard or Healer always has added points of attraction," he said brightly. "You just know they must have some special tricks to use...and a few to teach. But I don't think Snape has the appreciation for human touch, even from an attractive witch such as Poppy, so you are probably right that he would prefer Robbie's help."

"I was surprised to see you in Severus's room," Minerva said, "and even more surprised to see that he was asleep with you there."

"I applied the salve to his back, then he had his afternoon potions. He tried to read for a while, but I think the potions made him sleepy."

"Still, it surprises me. Last time you were here, you threatened his life."

"No, I didn't. Not precisely. And I think . . . I think I did kill him. Not literally, obviously, but the monster I had created in my mind. Snape was not what I expected." Gareth's eyes narrowed as he thought. "I still cannot forgive what he did, but holding on to it, holding on to the monster, having it live inside of me, it just seemed foolish. None of it can be undone. But it's the way things are, and I can see that he doesn't live easy with it, either." Gareth shrugged.

"I don't always like Severus, even now, and when I remember the things that he did, it is still painful, but I do love him and I know that he has not had a normal life. He has not even had the freedom to change and to grow as much as he might have if Riddle had been truly defeated the first time. He was chained to a life he chose on the basis of one thing only, and he was constrained in what relationships he could form and even in what personal habits he could take up. All was focussed on Riddle's eventual return and on what Severus viewed as payment for one particular inadvertent betrayal and murder. I hope he lives to grow beyond that."

"He'll never be a nice person, Aunt Minerva," Gareth said, remembering the sadistic Death Eater that must still lived somewhere within Snape, "and I don't know whether he will ever be able to have normal relationships. It may be a mercy if he doesn't have to find a way to live after it's over."

"He should have the opportunity, though. He deserves a true second chance, a chance to really live."

Gareth shook his head. "You sound like Uncle Albus. That's what he told Mum. That Snape deserved a chance to make it right. But he can't really. I'm not saying he can't contribute to Riddle's downfall, or that he is incapable of choosing the right action, but he can't fix what he destroyed."

"He can't. That is true, but it's about more than just fixing what he destroyed, or about some imaginary scales of justice weighing his sacrifices and good deeds against all of the evil that he did or that he set in motion. It is about his way of being, the conscious approach he takes toward the choices he must make, the shift from acting purely from regret and some notion of payment for past transgressions to acting in order to give to others, to impress a good and positive part of himself onto the world, to feel hope and a desire to create good for its own sake. Chiefly, it is about him changing himself and his relationship to others. And it's about learning to be happy."

"Change his whole framework for being? His perceptions of himself and others and how he acts in response to those perceptions? That is what you are implying," Gareth said with a shake of his head. "I don't know if that is even possible. His behaviour might be trainable, but the heart and mind are something altogether different."

"They are different, but they are also connected. I have hope for him. He was never a truly bad child. Often obnoxious and unkind, but not like Riddle was as a boy."

"Not a psychopath, you mean?" Gareth chuckled shortly. "Saying that someone isn't a psychopath is far from a ringing endorsement of their character."

"Still, I hope that you will not do or say anything that will make it more difficult for him."

"I don't know whether I can promise that, but I certainly can promise that I won't do what Moody did, or anything like it. You know that I never would. But I will be honest with Snape, and if that makes things difficult for him, I cannot help that."

"That is sufficient," Minerva said briskly. "I need to get to my work, but I want to speak with Severus and see how he's feeling first. If he doesn't mind having you here, then you could stay while we go to dinner."

"That would be fine with me."

Minerva entered the guest room. While she and Gareth had been talking, Severus had lain down more fully in bed and the Potions journal had fallen to the floor.

Minerva walked over to the bed, picked up the journal, and placed it on the bedside table. She reached out and caressed his forehead with just the tips of her fingers. "Severus! Severus!"

Severus's eyes opened and he blinked.

"How are you feeling?"

Severus pushed himself up to sit against the headboard. "Thirsty."

"And other than that?" Minerva asked as she poured him a glass of water.

"Fine."

Minerva shook her head, smiling slightly. "I suppose you do look better than you did earlier, but you must feel far from fine, Severus."

"Fine, considering," Severus amended.

"I spoke with Poppy earlier. She said you can take a shower today if you like, but you will need to have an Impervius cast on the injury on your back and have someone stay with you. She said that she could come up tonight to do it, but Robbie offered to help you after supper."

Severus hesitated. "Miss Granger is to return today, I believe."

"Ah, yes, I saw her in the library. She said she would be in my office after dinner. I presume she was telling me what time she plans to visit you."

Severus sat and scowled. Taking a shower should not be a major production. He didn't want the girl to arrive when he was having someone help him bathe. He should bathe before he received visitors.

"I can shower myself," Severus said, making a move to swing his legs around and get out of bed. "I am no longer afflicted by dizzy spells."

"You also need the Impervius cast. Wait for Robbie," Minerva said. "He is more than happy to help you. It's only a couple more hours to wait."

"You said that Miss Granger is arriving after dinner."

"I am sure she will wait, or Robbie will wait for your guest to leave."

Severus did not want to explain himself to anyone, not even to himself. It was not merely the humiliation of allowing someone to assist him in the shower, it was the fact that Hermione was visiting. He wanted to look more like himself when she arrived, and he wanted to feel more like himself and less like an invalid.

"I can manage," Severus said, standing and looking for the slippers that Minerva had brought him from his quarters. He wished she had brought him one of his own nightshirts. He was still clad in one of Albus's. This one was white with thin blue stripes, so at least he wasn't in Gryffindor colours.

"No, you won't, Severus," Minerva said sternly. "You can hardly cast an accurate Impervius on your own back, and you're supposed to be resting your magic, in any case. Poppy would have my hide if I let you take a shower on your own."

"You aren't letting me; I'm just doing it."

"Do you want to undo all the healing on your back? Don't be obstinate. Robbie will be back after dinner. You can wait that long."

"I'll help you, Snape," Gareth said from the doorway, where he'd been watching the other two argue. "I said once that I'd protect your back," he added with a grin, "and here's my chance to do it!"

Severus looked at the Headmistress, who was standing obdurate in the face of his desire to do for himself.

"All right, McGonagall, but if you mention it again...to anyone...you will have to watch your own back," Severus said sharply.

"We should use the main bathroom," Gareth said. "It's bigger and the shower's nicer than the one in here."

"Hmmph."

Minerva nodded. "I'll leave you two to work things out. I'll be in my office until dinner if you need me."

Fifteen minutes later, Severus was standing in the circular shower stall looking at the various jets and nozzles set into the wall. Gareth had already cast the Impervius, and he had turned on the water to the large showerhead in the centre of the stall, testing the water's temperature before he would let Severus step in.

"Here, Snape. Flannel and sponge. The sponge is self-soaping, but to your right is a dispenser with some sandalwood soap in it. Unless you prefer citrus, rose, or lavender. The sandalwood is the first one on the left. The shampoo is to your left." Gareth sat down on the small bench beside the shower, facing away from Snape. "Let me know if you need anything else."

"You're going to sit there the entire time?"

"I said I would. If you want to use any of the shower jets set into the wall, you can turn them on selectively, or I can help you with it."

"I don't require your help."

"I'm here if that should change," Gareth said calmly.

Severus washed his hair first, smelling the different shampoos before selecting one that had almost no discernable scent. For all that the students called him a greasy git, he did like to be clean.

"Damn."

"What is it?" Gareth asked.

"Minerva didn't bring me my Shed-Stop Potion," Severus grumbled.

Gareth barely suppressed a laugh. "Your what?"

"For my hair. Shed-Stop."

Gareth choked.

"Don't laugh. Can't be too careful about where you leave stray hairs lying about," Severus said.

"Or too paranoid, either," Gareth said, finally allowing himself to laugh. "I doubt you need to worry about that up here. You can rest assured that I have no desire to trade places with you for any reason, nor does anyone else you're likely to see here."

Severus just grunted. He finished washing his hair and the front of his body. He didn't bother with his feet and legs. Despite his insistence that he was fine and not at all dizzy, he didn't want to risk tipping over if he tried to stand on one leg. There was a small built-in bench along what he supposed was the back of the shower, if a circular shower could be said to have a back, but sitting there would expose him too much to view if McGonagall happened to turn his head and look in at him.

He was about to turn off the water when Gareth said, "Would you like me to wash your back for you? Just the upper part, of course."

"I am capable of charming the sponge to wash my back if I so choose," Snape said.

"Mm, no doubt, but it would be easier for me to avoid the healing area than for the Charmed sponge," Gareth replied as he removed his shoes and socks. "Even with the Impervius, you might get it wet, or at least disturb the healing skin even if it didn't get wet."

"I can forego washing my back," Severus said. He looked over his shoulder and was alarmed to see Gareth stuffing his socks into his boots then casting an Impervius on himself and moving his sporran so that it hung at his side. "You are not getting into the shower with me, McGonagall."

"Loosen up, Snape. Accept some help for once." He grinned at the scowling Potions master. "You can look at it as a growth experience!"

It would be nice to have his back and shoulders washed.

"Be quick about it," Severus said irritably, handing him the sponge.

Gareth stepped in and took the sponge. He didn't linger, simply washing Snape's upper back as he had said he would, but then he knelt and began to wash Snape's left leg.

"What the fuck do you think you're doing!"

"I noticed you didn't wash your legs and feet. Hold onto the bar and lift your left foot."

"Are you mad?"

Gareth looked up at him and gave him a crooked smile. "Probably. But you seemed to be looking forward to the shower. Might as well do it properly."

Severus did not lift his foot to be washed, but he allowed Gareth to move over and begin washing his other leg.

"Why are you doing this?"

Gareth shrugged. "Needs doing. I imagine it feels good to you. That's a good thing."

"Not just this. Everything. You said you would never forgive me, McGonagall. Has that changed? Or do you simply want me to feel indebted to you?"

"I cannot forgive what you did," Gareth said quietly, pausing to think, one hand resting on Snape's right calf. "And I don't see that you should be indebted to me for lending you a hand here. But . . . I have always thought that it was the height of rudeness not to accept a sincere apology, even if one could not forgive the underlying act. You didn't precisely apologise, but your contrition was evident. So I accepted that as I would an apology."

"How can you accept an apology without forgiving the person?" Severus asked, genuinely curious and forgetting for a moment his discomfort with having someone wash his legs.

"Forgiveness doesn't depend so much on the one being forgiven. I could forgive someone something even if they had no remorse and never apologised. Well, I don't know as I could, but some people can. Accepting a sincere apology is just the recognition that the person did offer one and then going on without holding it against them, whatever it was they did, even if you couldn't forgive them. If I accept your sincere apology for breaking my favourite teacup, I have no right to grumble about it to you every chance I get, or to throw it in your face when I am angry with you again later. That's the way I see it. Some people would probably say that I didn't really accept your apology if I didn't forgive you, but sometimes to live life in a civilised, humane way, we have to accept apologies even when we can't find it in ourselves to forgive. I may wish to hold your actions against you, but I will behave in a way that lets us both get on with things. And maybe somewhere along the way, I might discover I've actually forgiven you. Even though I really loved that teacup you broke!" Gareth grinned up at Severus.

"Just finish." Snape paused. "And stop when you reach my thighs. I did the rest."

---

Gareth cocked an ear. "I think there's someone at the door."

As the sound of a more distinct rapping reached the guest room, Severus nodded, ignoring the younger wizard as he rose from his chair and left. He was sitting up in the room's one armchair, engrossed in an article debating the use of human blood in potions work, and whether a complete ban was justified when there were so many applications that were utterly benign, even beneficial, and pointing out that much research in Healing was stymied by the current restrictions on its use. The author arguing for even stronger restrictions on the use of blood seemed to base his reasoning almost wholly within abstract theory, tinged with an amorphous fear of where blood use could lead, whereas the author arguing for a loosening of the restrictions seemed more practically oriented, rooting her argument in terms of the concrete good that could be achieved at no negative expense whatsoever except to what she termed "medieval superstition" about practising any kind of blood-magic.

Gareth returned a moment later. "It is a Miss Granger asking for you, Snape."

Severus set aside his journal. "I will see her."

Gareth nodded and disappeared again. When he reappeared, he opened the door, bowed slightly, and said, "Miss Granger, Professor Snape will see you now."

"For Merlin's sake, McGonagall, you're not my bloody butler. Just let the girl in," Severus said irritably.

Gareth grinned. "Just trying to show the young lady some respect, Snape."

Hermione smiled at Severus as she came in. "You look better than you did yesterday."

"He looks even better than that when he stops scowling...which he might do if I left the room," Gareth said, giving Hermione a wink. He looked at Severus and added, "I'll just be in the sitting room if you need me."

"Just get out," Severus replied.

Gareth turned a broad smile on Hermione. "See! He loves me!" Chuckling to himself, he left the two, though he didn't quite close the door.

After he'd gone, Severus nodded to Hermione. "You may have a seat, if you wish."

"Thank you." Rather than sit in the rocking chair with the bed between the two of them, Hermione took a seat on the end of the bed across from him. "But you do look better. Not as grey and bruised. You have more life in your eyes, too."

"Both Healer O'Donald and Madam Pomfrey have done an adequate job in assisting in my recovery," Severus said stiffly.

"You also look...and don't take this the wrong way, sir...but you look clean. Really clean, not just from cleaning charms and the pass of a damp flannel. I never feel properly bathed when using just charms and sponge baths, and after being in hospital after that business in the Department of Mysteries, it was a relief to shower."

"I was allowed to shower today. It was, as you say, a relief."

"I was surprised to see Mr McGonagall here with you," Hermione said frankly.

"That he was still alive, you mean, and I hadn't killed him for his impertinence?" Severus asked with a sneer, which was as close as he could come to a smile just then.

Hermione laughed. "No, just that he would be here at all, or that anyone would leave him alone with you. Or that you wouldn't chuck him out."

"I just did," Severus said.

"All the way to the sitting room," Hermione pointed out, humour in her eyes. "But he was in here when I arrived."

Severus tried not to let his puzzlement show. "How would you know where he was when you arrived?"

"Well, he may not have been here right at that moment, but Arithmancy Today is open on the rocking chair, you're sitting over there, and I looked up Gareth McGonagall in the library. He's an Arithmancer, just like his mother was, is, was..." Hermione blushed. "Sorry."

"For what? His mother is an Arithmancer. It is the truth. I am making an effort not to avoid the truth these days. I still play with it, and I do twist it when necessary, but the habit of recognising only those truths that are useful or comfortable to me is one I am attempting to rid myself of before I . . . before I die."

Hermione didn't blink at the word "die." "That sounds very positive, though not easy," she said. "It's so much more pleasant to avoid thinking about uncomfortable truths."

"I don't think about all of them. Just those that impinge upon my life in some way and which I have avoided thinking about. And not even all of those," he admitted. "And I do still concentrate too much on the ones that make me angry with the world and allow me to blame others for my troubles."

Hermione laughed. "Best not to rush in and take on everything at once, or you might get nosebleed!"

Severus's lips twitched.

"So, how is it that Mr McGonagall has escaped injury...or being chucked out?" Hermione asked.

"I doubt that his aunt would appreciate my maiming her nephew as well as her sister-in-law," Severus said drily. "And as for not being 'chucked out,' he is quite persistent, and he has tried to make himself useful."

"And why hasn't he maimed you? Same concern for his aunt?" Hermione asked with a smile.

"Mmm. He's a McGonagall. I think they are congenitally prone to taking in stray puppies and battered ex-Death Eaters, soft in the head," Severus grumped. "And as of tomorrow, he'll be 'Professor McGonagall.'"

"Professor? Has something happened to Professor Vector?" Hermione asked in alarm.

"No. He will be taking Crouch's Defence classes tomorrow since Crouch will be teaching Potions for the day. I hope to return to teaching on Tuesday, so neither of them should have an opportunity to do much harm."

"I know what you can tackle once you've conquered facing unpleasant truths," Hermione said, barely suppressing a smile.

Severus raised a questioning eyebrow.

"Optimism!" Hermione laughed.

"Hmmph. I have a feeling that the more truth I face, the less optimism I will have."

"It's important to remain optimistic. Even when things aren't going well."

"You sound like another Gryffindor I know," Severus said. "Your former Head of House tries to get me to believe in something she calls 'hope.'" He tried to sneer and sound cynical, but he only sounded weary.

Hermione reached out and patted his hand. "Just remember us, then. We'll have that hope and optimism for you, if you can't manage it just yet. Remember that we believe in you."

One corner of Severus's mouth turned up. "Gryffindor witches!" he said, but nodding. "I will try to remember that, though."

"Optimism is a state of mind. A way of facing the future, which is unknown. Optimism can help you to create some pleasant truths," Hermione said.

"It isn't that simple."

"Of course it isn't. But it's better than pessimism. It feels better, too. Naturally, things can go wrong, but if you're optimistic, you can take advantage of opportunities you might not see if you believed everything was all doom and gloom. And you still have to face whatever the current truth of things is in order to be able to plan effectively, no matter how unpleasant it may be. You can't be a Pangloss."

Severus snorted. "I could never be Panglossian. No danger of that."

Hermione giggled. "That would be quite startling, coming from you! Or disturbing!" She laughed again. "Definitely disturbing!"

Both corners of Severus's mouth turned up. "You don't think that if I walked about saying that all is created for the best end, and therefore this is the best of all possible worlds, that it would be reassuring to everyone?"

"Disturbing, very disturbing!" Hermione laughed again. "You see! A brain holiday is quite fun."

"Painful fun," Severus said, but his smile grew as he took pleasure in Hermione's laughter.

There was a light knock on the door and Gareth appeared.

"I thought you and Miss Granger might care for some refreshment," he said, waving in the tray that had followed behind him.

Snape glared, but Hermione looked at the contents of the tray and her eyes grew bright. There were two small chocolate tortes, two mixed berry tarts, and two creamy-looking cakes coated with fresh-shaved coconut. Hermione's eyes focussed on the chocolate torte.

Gareth smiled. "The way to a witch's heart, through chocolate." He looked over at Severus. "Don't you agree?"

"Hmmph."

"If you would be kind enough, Miss Granger, to conjure us a table, I shall pour us each a cup of tea," Gareth said, "and you may have your choice of sweets."

"Can't do it yourself, McGonagall?"

"I thought I would allow the lady the pleasure," Gareth said, drawing his own wand from its loop at his waist, but Hermione had already conjured a small round table.

Gareth flicked his wand, pulling the straight chair over from the corner as he picked up the teapot in his left hand. "Milk? Sugar?"

"A little milk, no sugar," Hermione said.

Gareth used his wand to add the milk as he poured the tea manually. "And you, Snape?"

"None for me."

"You should have something. A glass of water?" Without waiting for his response, Gareth flicked his wand at the pitcher on the bedside table and poured some water into the glass beside it, then he Summoned the glass and settled it in front of Severus. "Now, Miss Granger, would you prefer the chocolate torte or one of the other desserts?"

"The chocolate, please, although they all look very good."

"If you have the appetite, you may try one of the others when you have finished that one. And which would you prefer, Snape?"

"I don't eat sweets," he replied stiffly.

"The fruit tart, then, I should think," Gareth said, placing a mixed berry tart in front of the surly wizard. "Not too sweet, and moderately healthy, as well. I shall have a coconut cream cake, and then you, Miss Granger, may still have your choice of seconds!" He smiled at Hermione as he took his own piece of cake and sat down in the wooden chair.

Arms crossed, Severus glared at the younger wizard. "I did not request dessert."

Hermione stopped cold, her fork halfway to her mouth with her first bite of cake.

"Nor did I request your presence," Severus continued.

"I thought it would be more pleasant to share dessert with you than to eat it on my own," Gareth said quietly, "and to provide your guest with some refreshment, as well. However, as I said earlier, I am quite accustomed both to peculiar companions and to my own solitary company." He rose and Levitated his cake and teacup before sketching a short bow in Hermione's direction. "Enjoy your torte, Miss Granger. And the company." He turned to leave.

"You're here now, McGonagall. And not entirely intolerable."

Gareth looked over at Severus. "Is that an invitation to stay?"

"As close as you will receive."

After hesitating a moment, Gareth let his plate and teacup settle back onto the table. "I will let you know if you become intolerable," he said with a slight smile.

"It will only be an indication that you have become intolerant," Snape responded.

Gareth laughed, then he looked over at Hermione. "Don't you like the cake? Would you prefer something different?"

"Oh, no, I haven't tried it yet. It smells quite nice," Hermione replied, looking first at him then at Severus before picking up her fork again.

Gareth sipped some tea, then took a bite of his coconut cake. Severus drank some of his water, then set his glass down.

"Quite good, this," Gareth said. "Worth trying a bite of, Miss Granger. And how is your chocolate torte?"

"Delicious," Hermione said. "Better than the dessert in the Great Hall was tonight."

"Snape? Would you prefer something different?" Gareth asked.

"This is adequate." Severus picked up his fork and poked at his tart. "I'm not hungry."

Gareth shot a quick glance at Hermione, then he said, "You didn't eat all your dinner, though. If you don't want Healer O'Donald insisting on another day's rest, you might want to eat up."

"I do not eat very much normally."

Hermione set her teacup down. "I have noticed, and Mr McGonagall is correct. You should eat your tart. At least try it. It does look good."

Severus scooped some of the berries from the tart and took a taste, then he took another forkful. Hermione smiled.

"So, Miss Granger, you are in your seventh year. Do you have plans for after you leave school?"

"To be honest, although I have thought some about it, I haven't made any definite plans," Hermione said.

"I understand. It is difficult when so much is uncertain." Gareth grinned. "It can be difficult even when things aren't so uncertain. You might need some time just to think about what you'd like to do when you can just be yourself without extraordinary outside pressures bearing on you."

Hermione nodded. "I have considered that, too. I thought I might take some time to spend with my family, perhaps take some Muggle classes. I think it would be difficult to matriculate, but I might be able to invent some qualifications that would withstand scrutiny sufficiently to be able to take some individual courses."

"If you go through the Ministry, you might actually be able to apply to university, if you liked. In the last couple decades, I haven't heard of anyone using the bona fides for educational purposes, but it's theoretically possible to do it," Gareth said. "The Ministry works with the Muggle government to create legitimate credentials for witches and wizards who wish to participate in some type of Muggle enterprise. I understand, however, that the call for such credentials has declined significantly in the last few years. Precipitously, one might say."

"Don't put ideas in Miss Granger's head, McGonagall. She is a . . . she has potential in the wizarding world. There is no need for her to seek a life outside of it."

"She brought it up."

"I thought that living in the Muggle world was discouraged, though," Hermione said with a frown, "because of the dangers of accidentally exposing Muggles to magic, or using magic on unsuspecting Muggles to gain an advantage."

"Clearly, there are rules governing the use of such credentials," Gareth said, "and it is true that the British Ministry has never been very supportive of wizards or witches who, for whatever reason, wish to work in the Muggle world, but it is possible. It would be easier if you were in another country. Compared with other western countries, Britain was rather late in instituting any regularised practices to assist those who wanted to work in the Muggle world, relying more on labyrinthine rules discouraging it, and then once Volde– um, once he gained influence over policy through his followers in the Ministry, the new procedures weren't developed any further. My father always believed that the Scottish wizarding world was foolish to have given up its sovereignty and independence. I think that if they hadn't, you would see quite a different picture in Scotland than in England. Much more independence for the individual witch and wizard and less meddling."

"There isn't sufficient population or resources, McGonagall, you know that. Hogwarts is here, for one, and has always served the entire British Isles. It was far more sensible for the whole island to have one Ministry, particularly when dealing with the reality of Muggle Britain and its government as a whole."

"Ireland didn't let that affect it. For years, all of Muggle Ireland was under English control, and even now, the north is part of the UK, but the Irish wizarding population maintained its own sovereignty all along despite that, dealing quite capably with the various Muggle governments."

"With the constant assistance of the British Ministry. Face it, McGonagall, the Irish Ministry is more like a department of the British Ministry than it is an independent entity," Snape countered.

"Do you think that after everything's over, I might be able to obtain some Muggle credentials from the Ministry?" Hermione asked, steering the topic back to something less contentious and more practical. "I had thought of how I could do it on my own, but it would be better to have something more official, I guess."

"I am sure you could," Gareth said. "I know a wizard who should be able to help you with that, if we all survive this."

"That would be useful. Thank you," Hermione replied.

"Shouldn't you tell her who it is, in case you die and she does not?" Snape asked sarcastically.

"Can't." Gareth swallowed his last bit of cake and shook his head. "He's underground, I suppose you could say."

"Doesn't sound like the helpful sort," Severus said with a sneer.

Gareth just shrugged one shoulder. "He does his best. Now, Miss Granger, would you care for another piece of cake? Or perhaps a bite from each of the ones you haven't tried?"

"Just a little bit from each, if you insist!" Hermione replied with a smile.

Gareth obligingly waved his wand and sliced each of the three remaining desserts into two pieces each. After depositing some fruit tart and coconut cake on Hermione's plate, he did the same for Snape, who had actually finished his tart, but serving him some of the chocolate torte and coconut cake this time.

"I do not want any more," Severus said.

"Then leave it," Gareth replied. "Unless Miss Granger would like it?"

"No, I'm stuffed," Hermione said. "And you don't need to call me 'Miss Granger.'" She blushed. "Unless you think it's inappropriate."

"I simply did not wish to presume familiarity," Gareth replied with a bright smile. "My given name is Gareth."

"It would be inappropriate for her to address you so familiarly," Severus began.

Knowing what Severus was about to say, Gareth added, "I do trust that Miss Granger...Hermione...has sufficient sense of decorum to address me more formally when an occasion might call for it." He looked back at Hermione.

"Professor Snape said that you will be teaching Defence tomorrow."

"Yes, just for a day or two," Gareth said. "Then you'll have Robbie back again."

"I do hope your brother doesn't let the students blow themselves up. They are all dunderheads." Severus glanced at Hermione. "With an exception or two."

"Do you enjoy Defence, Hermione?"

"Sometimes. It is very practical, and it can be challenging."

"But not your favourite subject," Gareth ventured.

"No, but it's not bad. I might enjoy it more if we didn't have to take it as seriously as we do," Hermione said.

"So, which is your favourite subject? Potions?"

"No, Arithmancy, although I do enjoy Potions very much," Hermione said. "And Transfiguration, as well."

"Are there any subjects you don't like?"

"Divination," Hermione said immediately. "Almost all of it is a load of rubbish. I don't think it's even a proper subject."

Gareth laughed.

"And Muggle Studies is pretty ridiculous, too. They don't really teach anything about Muggle life, Muggle history, Muggle science, or Muggle arts and literature. It's more about how clever wizards and witches are, and how pathetic Muggles are in trying to deal with life without magic." Hermione rolled her eyes. "As if everything important in life comes from magic...or technology, which wizards see as a sad substitute for magic. It's ludicrous. I think Muggle Studies is a waste of time the way it's taught now."

"Interesting," Gareth said. "Is it really so poor? I am surprised that Uncle Albus or Aunt Minerva, now, would approve of such a course."

"The Ministry sets the exams," Snape interjected, "so the curriculum is aimed toward the OWLs and NEWTs. There are also only a few textbooks on the subject, most of them out-of-date and not even particularly accurate when they were first published. Most witches and wizards wouldn't notice the deficiencies unless they were Muggle-born or half-blood, though I have no doubt that Dumbledore was aware of it. It could hardly be a priority, though."

"Perhaps after the war, that's something that Aunt Minerva could change...and you, Snape. You're Deputy, after all."

"That will likely not be the case following the war," Severus replied.

"Why not?" Gareth asked. "Aunt Minerva doesn't find you objectionable, despite her normally excellent taste in friends and companions."

Severus met Hermione's eyes, and he remembered what she had said about optimism and hope.

"Perhaps, then, it is something we could consider updating," Severus said.

"So, anyone up for a game?" Gareth asked brightly. "Hermione? Do you need to leave, or can you stay and lend the pleasure of your company to brighten the evening of two miserable wizards?"

Severus glared at him. "We had not concluded our business when you interrupted."

Gareth appeared surprised. "I was unaware that it was not a social visit. I will leave you to it, then." He stood and returned the remnants of their meal to the tray. "I will just be in the sitting room if you need me. It was good to meet you, Hermione."

When Gareth had left, Severus reached over and picked up his wand from the bedside table. He closed the door with a flick, then sank back into his armchair.

"You look tired," Hermione said, concerned. "Would you like me to go, too? Do you need to rest?"

"No. I simply . . ." Severus shrugged slightly.

Hermione smiled. "I was looking forward to seeing you, too. I wanted to be finished with everything, though, so I would have more time. But maybe I should have come earlier in the day, when you weren't so tired."

"I think I am tired of resting," Severus said.

"I don't know if you're well enough to do anything else, though," Hermione said seriously. "What happened to you? Professor McGonagall wouldn't say."

"I was unable to avoid being sent on a raid by the Dark Lord. He put me in charge. We were to kidnap Scrimgeour's granddaughter and kill his great-grandson, with no concern at all about what happened to anyone else in the household," Severus said.

"There was something about that in the Prophet. It said that the arrival of Aurors drove the Death Eaters away, though they set the house on fire first," Hermione said.

"I have not seen the newspaper. There are small mercies, I suppose," Severus said. "The raid failed because I intended it to fail, not because the Aurors arrived. I set off the Morsmordre almost immediately, alerting everyone to our presence before we had done anything, and I did what I could to see to it that the family escaped the house. I was returning to the house after sending my two colleagues back to the Dark Lord. I told them that I was going to at least finish off the boy, kidnap him if possible. As I turned to go back in to find the child, I was hit by a curse. It slowed me, unfortunately, but more problematic were the new Anti-Apparition wards that I discovered once I reached the boy. Within seconds of the fire being set, I had lowered the ones we had raised. It gave the family the opportunity to escape. It took time for me to get out of the building with the boy, then I Obliviated him. I couldn't have him telling people that a Death Eater had saved him, after all, and I certainly didn't want him to think of Death Eaters as heroes who rescue people from burning buildings. The Dark Lord did not appreciate my failure nor the delay in my return." Severus smirked. "In a sense, the Auror's curse provided me with some measure of legitimacy. The Dark Lord believes only that I am incompetent, not that I am a traitor. I was punished accordingly."

"I am sorry," Hermione said. "Thank you for telling me."

Severus nodded.

After thinking a moment, Hermione said, "It's too bad that there isn't some way of letting the Aurors know who you are...or not who you are, of course, but what you are. That you're a spy on our side. But there's no way of doing that without tipping off the Death Eaters, too, I suppose."

Severus was silent. He looked away from her, struggling with his desire to tell Hermione that it had been Moody, a fellow Order member, who had cursed him, that Moody had seen him with his magical eye and knew perfectly well whom he was hexing, and then to tell her precisely how the old Auror had cursed him in the back and what the curse had done to him. But Minerva had dealt with Moody. Moody had seemed contrite. It would bring him only temporary satisfaction to see Hermione's face when she realised what a nasty old bugger Moody was. He closed his eyes. He could not forgive Moody, but he could behave better than the older wizard had, Severus thought, trying to remember what Gareth had told him earlier.

"Professor?" Hermione sounded concerned. "Professor? What is it? Do you need something?"

Severus shook his head slightly, unable to articulate his feelings even to himself. It seemed that redemption, or whatever it was he was after, was a complicated business. Too much evil, too many temptations, inside and out. But Hermione was there, caring about him still, as strange and improbable as it seemed. He would have to tell her. If he lived, he would tell her all. He didn't think he could face it sooner and confront the possibility that once she had a complete picture of Severus Snape, her affection would be overwhelmed by revulsion, and perhaps even fear.

"Professor? Severus, please," Hermione said, reaching out and touching his arm.

He blinked and took in a sharp breath. He turned his head and looked up at Hermione. She had stood from her place on the bed, and her brow was knit with concern.

"What? I did not hear...what did you ask me?"

"Are you all right, sir? You were in a daze. I was worried," Hermione said. "I am sorry. I shouldn't have asked you about what happened. It was insensitive of me."

"No, it wasn't that, Hermione," Severus replied. "It was something quite different." He raised his hand toward her, a slight gesture suggesting a caress, then dropped it again.

"I think that you should get into bed," she said. "Let me fetch Gareth to help you."

"I can tend to myself," he said irritably.

"Normally, yes, but for me, this time, let someone help you, please."

Severus let out a sigh, but he made no move to leave his chair, so Hermione opened the door and called out for Gareth, who was there in a moment.

Gareth took one look at Severus and said, "I think it's been a long day, Snape. And tomorrow's another."

With a wave of his hand, he drew back the covers on the bed. Severus did not look at Gareth as the younger man put one arm under his, circling him under his shoulders, but he pushed up on the armrests and allowed Gareth to assist him into bed. Hermione stood discreetly in the corner and waited until Severus was settled back against the pillows.

"I should go now," she said, "and let you rest."

"I am fine," Severus replied, taking a glass of water from Gareth.

"It's time for one of your potions now, Snape," Gareth said, picking up a bottle and a small cup. He looked over at Hermione. "He'll probably feel better after the potion."

Hermione waited until Severus had taken his potion and Gareth had left before approaching the bed. "Better?"

Severus nodded. "Better." He reached for the glass of water, and Hermione quickly picked it up and handed it to him.

"Thank you. I am sorry," he said.

"Why?"

"For worrying you." He took a sip of water then raised his eyes to meet hers. "If I may admit such a thing, it is a rather novel experience for me. Having someone worry."

"I am sure there are others who do. Professor McGonagall does, I'm sure," Hermione said.

He nodded. "She does. And the Headmaster would worry. He would try to act as though he didn't because I hated it when he worried. I resented it. Whenever he expressed concern or affection, it was difficult to accept it. I did not reject his friendship, but neither did I embrace it. And now he is gone and it is my fault."

"No, I'm sure it isn't. He was sick. He had been cursed by the ring. Whatever killed him, I am sure it wasn't your fault," Hermione said softly, wishing she could find the right words to say. She watched Severus as he attempted to control himself, bunching the sheet in his fist. "You miss him. It must be very hard."

Unable to look at her, Severus could feel his throat constricting, and heat and heaviness rising in his face, unshed tears gathering. He swallowed hard, then said, his voice only slightly roughened, "You should go now."

Hermione stepped closer and placed her hand on his arm. "We're friends here. You can talk to me."

"I do. Talk to you. Surprises me," he said in a low voice. He could feel his eyes burning now. He swallowed again, took in a deep breath, letting it out slowly. "Please, Hermione, it is time to go."

Hermione squeezed his arm then let go. "I'm free tomorrow before lunch, if I could come see you then?"

Severus hesitated. He had been going to move back to his own rooms in the morning, but Minerva had made it clear that he was welcome to stay longer. "That would be acceptable," he agreed with a nod.

"We could take another brain holiday," she said lightly.

"Yes, as this one was interrupted by a man in a skirt," Severus said, trying to put some acid into the remark. "Good night, Miss Granger."

"Good night, Professor. See you tomorrow."

Hermione looked back at him before she closed the door behind her. His eyes were closed but he looked far from relaxed. She suppressed her sigh of sympathy as she stepped into the sitting room. Gareth looked up from the book he was reading.

"Going?"

"Yes. I think he was more tired than he said."

"He was very badly injured," Gareth said quietly. "Arrived almost dead. It's hardly surprising he would be tired. Hates to admit it, though. You would think that accepting help was just a new form of torture for him."

Hermione paused. Almost dead. No wonder he believed he would die before the end. One time, he could slip from almost dead to dead. But he might not. "Is that why you are helping him? Because he was almost dead? Or because he finds it torture?"

Gareth raised an eyebrow. "I help him because he needs it. And I try to do it in a way that is respectful of his dignity."

"I thought you hated him. I overheard you a few weeks ago. I was surprised to see that you were left here with him, let alone were keeping him company," Hermione said frankly.

"I hate what he did. I cannot forgive what he did. I hated the Death Eater who so cruelly maimed my mother, hated him for years," Gareth said softly. "But hating Snape, while it could be quite an engrossing pastime, would do neither of us any good."

"He's not the same man," Hermione said.

"He is the same man, Hermione, but he is also more. And he will always be the man who killed, maimed, poisoned, tortured, and devastated lives. But that is not all he is." Gareth sighed. "Nothing is simple; even my feelings about my feelings about him are complicated. But saying that Snape is not the same man is an over-simplification that does not help him or your understanding of him. I can see that you wish to be his friend, and although I would not encourage you, if you are to be his friend, you can't lie to yourself about who and what he is. He can be more and better than he was, but he can never shed what he did in his past. Not fully, not if he lives to be two hundred."

"I don't lie to myself about it. But I see what he is now, what he has done even when it hasn't been appreciated...even when it was something he probably didn't want to do, but he did it because it was right."

"I think you mistake choosing the right for its own sake and choosing the right out of some sense of obligation or from some other motivation. Not to say that he deserves no credit for his choices, particularly those that go against his instinct for self-preservation or self-gratification, nor to minimise how difficult it must be for him, but I think Snape would prefer to have your friendship based on an honest recognition of who he is, all of him and all of his past, even the parts that are nasty."

"It is no virtue to abstain from eating chocolate if you dislike it," Hermione said. "I think he deserves a lot of credit for what he is doing. It isn't easy for him."

"I would not trade lives with him now," Gareth said, nodding in agreement, "but he did make some choices early in life that he shouldn't have and that led him to do more evil. He made his bed, as they say, and he must live with the consequences."

"In other words, he deserved what happened to him the other night," Hermione said angrily.

"No, no, not that he deserved it. Not in the sense you mean," Gareth replied. "But if you leave here, go down to the ground floor, open the doors to the Great Hall and step through them, you should not be surprised if you do not find yourself in Gryffindor Tower. Snape has his life and his path and he cannot escape it. He can only make new choices based on where he is now."

"But it's not just him," Hermione protested. "Other people make choices that affect his life, or they did things that he had to react to. He isn't responsible for everything that has happened to him."

"Of course not." Gareth looked at Hermione speculatively. "You're a bright witch, Hermione. If you want to be his friend, defend him all you like to others, but face facts yourself. If you don't, you're bound to be disappointed or hurt."

"I always face facts. Even when I don't like them," Hermione replied.

"That's a good Gryffindor response," Gareth said with a smile. "I will see you in class tomorrow, but I will be here for a few days. Perhaps we will see each other again, more informally. We could discuss your future after Voldemort and what your options may be like. You mentioned that Arithmancy is your favourite subject. That happens to be my field, so if you're interested in discussing various masters in Arithmancy, I know many of them personally and many more by repute."

"That might be nice, thank you," Hermione said, "and thank you for dessert."

"It was my pleasure, Hermione," he said, standing and showing her to the door. "Have a good night."

"You, too, Gareth. See you tomorrow."

As soon as Hermione was gone, Gareth went and tapped on the guest room door. When there was no response, he opened it. The lights were out and Severus was lying on his side.

"Snape? You okay?"

"Go away."

Gareth flicked his wand, lighting one of the lamps. "You haven't had all your nightly potions yet, and you still need the one for your back."

"Minerva can do it later." His voice sounded rough and congested.

Gareth stepped further into the room. "Are you in pain? Discomfort?"

"Go away, McGonagall."

Gareth walked over to the bedside table, barely casting a glance at Severus. He poured out a portion of potion.

"Here, take this," he said, holding it out toward the curled figure on the bed. "It's just Headache Potion. It will help a little."

"I said, go away."

"I know. I haven't heeded you yet. Take the potion."

"Leave it on the table and go."

"Snape, sit up. Sit up, man."

Severus didn't respond. Gareth took a breath, then he reached out and touched Snape's shoulder. Severus stiffened.

"You've done harder things than sit up and take a potion, Snape."

"Take your hand off me and go away unless you want to be hexed into the next century."

"Never would have taken you for a coward," Gareth said as he removed his hand.

Severus raised up on one elbow and looked back over his shoulder at Gareth. His expression was hard. "You really do want to be hexed into the next century, don't you, McGonagall?" he said.

"Come, Snape. Take the potion," Gareth said gently. "It will help your headache."

Taking a deep breath, Severus shoved himself into a sitting position and reached out for the potion. After he had gulped it down, Gareth took the used cup and waved his wand to clean it. Severus lay back down with his back turned.

"Do you want to tell me what's wrong?"

"No," Severus replied vehemently. He sighed slightly. "Nothing. Everything."

"Anything specific?"

"You don't care."

"I am here."

Severus was silent for a moment, then he said, "Hermione and I were talking. We spoke of Dumbledore. She cannot understand why I feel responsible for his death, that I am responsible for it." He snorted. "No one but Minerva can understand that, and I can hardly talk to her about it. And I simply miss him. And I hate him for leaving us to go on without him and for allowing me to live."

Gareth reached out and touched Severus's shoulder again, and this time, Severus didn't react.

"He wouldn't leave us if he could stay, you know," Gareth said softly. "And I do know why you feel responsible, and I am certain that Uncle Albus would tell you that his death was one thing that you weren't responsible for."

"You know," Severus said dully.

"Yes. And although it probably doesn't make any difference to you, I don't blame you for that, either."

Severus shook his head.

Gareth rubbed his shoulder lightly, then said, "You know, Snape, there's no shame in tears, whatever you may think." He headed towards the door. "When she returns, I will tell Aunt Minerva that you still need your nighttime potions."

Before he closed the door, Gareth extinguished the lamp. "Good night, Snape."