Chapter Twenty-Three: They shan’t crack

Note: There is a mention in this chapter of the death of a minor canon character who has not appeared in the story.

Chapter Twenty-Three: They shan't crack

25 – 26 April 1998

True to her word, Minerva had returned to see Severus at eight-thirty to check on him and make sure he had eaten. She used her Headmistress's password to enter his rooms when he did not respond to her knocks, thinking that either he was asleep or simply didn't wish to answer the door, but he was not there. When she didn't find him in his rooms, she sought him in his office. Severus opened the door to her and greeted her with a nod.

When the door was closed and warded, Minerva said, "I was concerned about you. Have you eaten?"

Severus shook his head. "I am not hungry."

"Did you sleep?"

"No, but I rested. I collected myself," Severus replied, closing a notebook he had been looking at.

Minerva thought that he looked grey, and his affect was flat. "You don't look well."

"That is unsurprising."

"Would you eat something now? Soup?"

"If I can," he said wearily.

Minerva called her own house-elf, Blampa, and asked her to bring soup and sandwiches for them both.

"I did not eat very much dinner, myself," she admitted to Severus.

When Blampa returned with the light meal, Minerva conjured a small table for herself, and the two ate their vegetable soup. Minerva ate a tuna sandwich, but Severus took one bite of a roast beef sandwich and was unable to eat any more.

"Do you want to talk?" Minerva asked as she waved her wand and sent the remains of their meal back to the kitchens.

"No. Not about what you want to talk about," Severus said.

"I don't know how you managed to do that...I don't mean the poison, but to do that and then continue to appear normal while you were talking with the toe-rag," Minerva said.

"The death would have been pointless if I had reacted to it in any way, and my own position would have been compromised. If I had reacted, at best, I would have been punished for weakness and sentimentality, and at worst, I would have been killed myself. As Crouch pointed out, my task is not yet complete. All of that provides incentive to maintain an outward calm." He looked at her intently. "I believe you could do it, if it were required of you. You have mettle."

Minerva sighed, looking away, her gaze becoming unfocussed, then she looked back at him. "You are probably correct. I almost wish you weren't. But I believe you are. That does not change what you must feel about it now, how you felt when you returned to the castle. You should talk about it."

Severus shook his head. "If I do, I will not be able to continue. You said to me once that you were no longer unhappy about the Adfectus, that you believed that there were consequences of it that were positive. I must say that I feel precisely the opposite." His jaw tightened. "When I think of it and what it did to me...and to you...it angers me, and it angers me more, knowing the subsequent consequences. If it weren't for the Adfectus, the Headmaster and I would have carried out his plan. It would have been hard on you, but no harder than his death was this way...easier, perhaps, as he would not have lingered, and certainly you would have had more time with him, several weeks, at least. And I . . . I may have been condemned by carrying out the Vow, but I knew my role, I was bound by my role, I inhabited it. I harboured no illusions about redemption and hoped only to repay a debt and take revenge on the Dark Lord. Since the Adfectus, I have had illusory glimpses of humanity, of friendship and camaraderie, and they have only made me weak, given me pain. Even the worst that was demanded of me before the Adfectus, and which would have been demanded of me after fulfilling the Vow, would not have been as painful as what I must do now, even had the Dark Lord had me kill dozens of innocents. I resented it often, I hated it, and I disgusted myself, but it was not this difficult. I knew my role and my nature, and I accepted the evil I had to commit even as I despised it. Now, I commit evil and condemn myself, and I know that with each act, I become less worthy of any humanity or friendship, the glimpses of which have only taunted me. The Adfectus made me weak, Minerva. You see me in that memory, and you may see strength, but if you could use Legilimency, you would only see my weakness. My weakness and my evil."

Minerva looked at him thoughtfully for a moment. "There is something that you do not know about Albus, Severus, and I should not tell you, but I will. One reason that he had come to be at peace with the Unbreakable Vow and the prospect of having you kill him was that he believed a prophecy that was made more than fifty years ago. Personally, I don't put much store in most prophecies, and I think it was his belief in the prophecy that helped bring the circumstances about. He was told that he would either meet death at the end of the wand of one whom he loved and who loved him or he would die a painful, agonizing death. He believed you loved him, you see, and he loved you, so your Vow and Draco's task fit with what he believed the prophecy said. There were other factors, too, of course, but I believe that was a strong psychological motivator for him."

Severus frowned slightly. "And so he thought that dying of the curse would be fulfilling the prophecy in the other way?"

Minerva nodded. "But I could not allow that . . . seeing him in pain at the end. If the curse had been allowed to take its natural course, he would have been in blind agony. I could not allow that."

Severus's frown grew. "The curse . . . you . . ."

"We must all do what is difficult, what may seem impossible, Severus. And we carry on."

His eyes widened. "You killed him!"

"I did not say that," Minerva said. "But I do understand taking difficult circumstances and, despite the pain it causes us, using them for a greater purpose. We take a death and we give it meaning. As you say, if you had not administered the poison, you both would have been killed, and he would have been just as dead as he is now, but you would be, as well. Or if you had killed him but had shown any 'sentimentality' and lost your position with the Dark Lord, his death would be meaningless. Higgs's death, as much as either of us may wish it weren't so, did serve a purpose, even if he was not a willing sacrifice."

Severus stared at her, still trying to comprehend her previous statement. "You said it once before, but I did not understand. You said I loved him too much to kill him, but you loved him more."

"I ought not have said anything at all. My point is that the Adfectus was good for both of us...and for Albus, too. I am glad you did not murder him and run off to join the Dark Lord, reviled by the world, or joining him to increase his power and his stature. I am glad that you have had the opportunity to see that there can be more for you in life...and it may seem like illusion to you, but it is not. And as much as I hate to see you in pain, I am glad that you can feel something other than hatred, resentment, anger, and resignation. If you cannot talk about your feelings, I understand. But know that I love you now just as much as I did before I saw the memory, and I feel pain and sorrow for both you and Higgs. You aren't completely alone, Severus, even though I am sure it must feel that way. Those glimpses of friendship were no illusions. I hope that you can find strength in that, and not believe it is weakness only."

Severus shook his head slowly. "You are remarkable, Minerva. I am certain that others in the Order, despite my usefulness, find me and my very existence repugnant."

"Remus likes you," Minerva said.

Severus barked a laugh. "Highly doubtful, but kind of you to think that of him."

"Well, perhaps 'likes' is not quite the right word, but he cares about what happens to you and he respects you. I know he would be distressed if anything were to happen to you. And Arthur and Molly both respect you, and I know that Molly worries about you."

"That is what Molly does," Severus said.

"Hermione certainly likes you. She respects you, she cares for you, and she is fond of you."

"She is the wizarding world's patron saint of the downtrodden and the despised," Severus retorted, trying to scoff. "If she really knew me, truly understood what I am and what I do, what I have done, she would feel sorry for my victims and waste none of her pity on me."

"I do not believe it is only pity she feels for you, Severus, and I think that she cares about you beyond the things you have done...and I am sure she has some notion of what those things are. She know about Gertrude Gamp, and that knowledge did not diminish her affection for you."

"Hmmph."

"And Gareth..."

"Has told me himself that he does not like me," Severus interrupted.

"Oh, I think he likes you fairly well, considering how he believed he felt about you only a few weeks ago," Minerva said. "But I was not going to say that he likes you. He does care about you, though, and he wants no harm to come to you and would lend you a hand if ever you needed it. And that is surely friendship."

"Or some bizarre sense of obligation," Severus said with a sneer.

"And Robbie cares about you," Minerva said, ignoring Severus's ability to reject everything she said.

"He cares because I am the Order's spy and because you care, otherwise, I don't believe he would spare me a thought," Severus said.

"No, Severus. You may not have known Robbie long, but believe me, he does care about you beyond that," Minerva said.

"Have you told him about the meeting?" Severus asked.

"Only the barest details. I did not tell him who the toe-rag's test subject was."

"It wouldn't mean a thing to him, anyway," Severus said. "It could have been anyone."

Minerva was silent.

"I would rather Crouch didn't know," Severus said after a minute. "For anyone to know. I . . . he . . . Higgs . . ." Severus shook his head slightly, closing his eyes. "I cannot speak of it. But he is free, at least, of Bella. She was a sadist before she was imprisoned. Azkaban only made her worse, more depraved, more imaginative. I would prefer death to being her entertainment."

Minerva sighed. "You have saved others, Severus. You cannot save them all. But when it's all over, he won't be able to kill anyone else. Remember that. That is what we are working toward."

"I thought Amelia Bones . . . that was horrific, especially once I realised that no one was coming. No Aurors, no one from the Order. But this was worse." A spasm of pain crossed his face. "Please leave, Minerva."

Minerva stood, but hesitated. "Severus..."

He shook his head. "Go."

"Get some sleep. And if you do want to talk, you can come up, no matter what time it is," Minerva said.

Severus nodded in acknowledgment, and Minerva left, closing the door quietly behind her.

---

Severus lay in bed, wakeful. Every time he closed his eyes, he saw Terence's swollen, bruised face, saw his fear and saw his plea. Severus didn't have favourite students, though there were some for whom he allowed himself to feel less disdain. Terence had never stood out particularly one way or the other, but he had been a Slytherin prefect and Seeker on the House Quidditch team for four years. Severus had come to know him better than many of the students in his House. But even if he hadn't, Terence had been a student in his care for seven years and had only left school a few years before. And he had poured a lethal potion down the young wizard's throat in order to maintain his own safety.

Severus knew that it was not only for his own safety, but for the sake of what his safety meant for the future of the wizarding world. Right at that moment, though, that meant little to him. He was not even sure whether he believed it. If he were to die, or to disappear to somewhere more imaginative than Greece, would the cause of the Order really be compromised?

His eyes burned. If only Albus were there. Albus had known what to say to strengthen his resolve and to convince him that his role was important, as unpleasant as it was. But that had been before the Adfectus had hit him. After that, Severus had decided that Albus was wrong about the Unbreakable Vow, and nothing that Albus said, whether in anger or in compassion, could persuade him that he should fulfill it and kill Albus when the time came. And that time never came, yet still he lived and Albus had died. At least Draco had been hidden by the Order. He hadn't minded his punishment when the Dark Lord learned that Draco had been spirited from the castle. That part of his Vow he had been happy to fulfill, even if he hadn't known that was what he was doing when he delivered the boy into Minerva's hands. He had trusted Minerva completely, despite her coolness toward him. Even now when he disagreed with her, he would obey, whatever it was. It was a steadying point in his life, this obedience, something he could hold onto, not to expiate his own responsibility for his actions, but to keep from sinking or from losing his way. He trusted her. He had trusted Albus, except at the end, with the contention between them about the Vow. He knew that neither was perfect or infallible in their judgments, but they were the arrow upon which he flew, and he knew that the arrow would hit its target. He had to believe that.

Severus got out of bed and shoved his feet into his slippers. Almost two o'clock. The Dark Lord was likely discovering that the potion hadn't killed the Azkaban guards. Severus doubted that the Dark Lord would abort the attack. He was bent on retrieving the imprisoned Death Eaters. The Ministry claimed that there were seventy-two Death Eaters in Azkaban. In reality, the number was closer to thirty, with the others innocent...innocent, at least, of being Death Eaters. One of them, Severus knew, was not being liberated. Lucius Malfoy was a prime target of the raid, but the Dark Lord wanted him only to punish him and use him as a living example of what would befall a Death Eater who failed him and whose family betrayed him.

Severus felt a twinge thinking of Malfoy's fate. Ironically, Malfoy was a consummate Death Eater. He clothed himself in pureblood ideology, he sprang to the Dark Lord's side at his return, he was cruel, arrogant, and imaginative, and he was willing to kill without compunction. But he had failed in the Department of Mysteries, and then his family had disappeared. Whatever else Lucius Malfoy was or did, he loved his family, although he often had unusual ways of showing it, and he had been very hard on Draco. He would spoil Draco one minute and the next, be cruel and unfeeling toward him. But even if Lucius had the slightest idea where Narcissa and Draco were, which he didn't, he would not betray them to the Dark Lord, knowing what their fates would be at his hands.

There would be nothing that Severus could do to help Malfoy, he knew that, but he did not look forward to maintaining his usual indifference when, as the Dark Lord no doubt would, he had Malfoy dragged out for an entertaining torture session. It would be particularly unpleasant when he was invited to participate, but he would participate, just as he had poured poison down young Terence's throat. At least Malfoy was more culpable for his current situation than Higgs had been. Higgs had given in to peer pressure, no doubt, and had suffered under some misguided idea of what being a Death Eater could bring him, but he had clearly sickened of it and attempted to escape. He wished the boy had trusted him before he had tried to hide. Had Higgs come to him, he might have found some way of keeping the boy alive and safe. By the time he begged for help, there was nothing he could offer the young wizard but a quick, painless death.

Severus went out to his sitting room and opened a cupboard. He stared at an unopened bottle of firewhisky for several minutes, then sighed and shut the door. He could not afford to lose his senses to drink. The effect of the Draught of Peace the other night had been worse than alcohol, but it had also been stronger, and perhaps the trade-off had been worth a few hours of euphoria, which faded to a sense of general well-being before disappearing and leaving him in his usual misery. And the Draught of Peace did have an antidote.

There was a loud knock on the door, a banging, more precisely. Severus scowled and stomped over to the open it. His scowl did not lift when he saw who was there.

"Minerva wishes to see you, Professor," Crouch said in his usual soft voice.

"At this hour?"

"I would not have come to tell you now if she wished to see you later."

Severus's scowl grew.

"It is rather urgent, Professor. May I suggest simply donning a teaching robe over your nightshirt?" Crouch said.

"Mmph. Come in," Severus said. "Wait here."

Severus returned a few moments later, dressed as Crouch had suggested, in his longest, heaviest teaching robe, with hooks from the neck almost to the ankle.

"What is this about?" Severus asked. "The Azkaban break?"

"Partially," Crouch replied softly.

Severus followed Crouch through the castle and up to the Headmistress's Office.

Minerva was standing in the middle of her office when they arrived, fully dressed and even in her formal Headmistress's over-robe, which she had worn only at the Welcoming Feast and the Headmaster's one-year memorial.

"Robbie, I will speak with Severus alone."

Robbie barely hesitated, but acknowledged her implied order simply by leaving, going up to the Headmistress's private suite. Minerva waited until they had heard the door closed behind him before she spoke.

"Did you know about tonight?" she asked, her voice hard.

"Azkaban? I told you...was the target different? Did something go wrong? Was the potion effective?" Severus asked, confused by her steely gaze, then remembering the other raid planned for that night.

"I do not speak of what the Death Eaters planned." She looked at him, and Severus, if he had not known better, would have thought that she was reaching out and taking knowledge from him, performing surgical Legilimency to draw something from his mind. "You did," she said.

"I..."

"You did know and you did not inform me. Did you encourage them?" Minerva asked.

"I do not know what you are talking about," Severus replied stiffly. He would wait to defend himself until he knew what he was being accused of.

"I have known you since you were eleven, Severus. I may not be a Legilimens, but I do know you." She closed her eyes briefly, her mouth a tight line. "Sit." She looked at him as he remained standing. "I do not care to repeat myself."

Feeling like an errant first-year, Severus sat.

"Did you think that because you were not directly involved in this ill-considered scheme that you did not need to inform me of it?" she asked sharply, but then she sighed and sat down in the chair opposite him. "Arthur, Kingsley, Remus, and Tonks had organised a raid on the Malfoy Manor for this morning. They had enlisted three others to assist them, and Kingsley stayed behind, coordinating from his office at the Ministry. They waited for the Patronus signal that Azkaban was under attack, and the six Order members Apparated to the edge of Malfoy manor. Imagine their shock and surprise when they discovered that there was already a raid on the manor underway. One that, while successful in finding and releasing three prisoners of the Dark Lord, was going badly. Not only were the three prisoners in danger of being recaptured, but so were those who had come to rescue them. With the assistance of the newly arrived Order members, all but one of them did succeed in escaping. They all returned to the Burrow, rather than to headquarters, because of your search tomorrow. Unfortunately, one of the original party was lost, and two were injured, one of them very badly. One of the second party was also injured. It was pure chaos, and it was sheer dumb luck that Potter was not captured and that the Dark Lord himself was not there."

"Who was caught? And injured?" Severus asked, hoping that Hermione hadn't been one of those enlisted by Potter, that she hadn't left the castle that night.

"Not caught, Severus, killed," Minerva said wearily. "Mundungus Fletcher. In the end, he found some valour, and he stayed behind to enable the younger ones to escape with the freed prisoners. The last thing that Weasley...George...saw, was Mundungus being struck by a Petrificus followed by a blasting hex that shattered a hole in his chest large enough to ride a broomstick through. George's description, not mine. Tonks was Petrified and Stunned, simultaneously, but Bill got her out. She should recover fairly quickly. Ronald Weasley caught an extremely nasty and unidentifiable curse on his right leg. It's as though it's become gangrenous and had a large chunk taken out of it, as well. They don't know what it is, but it's painful and getting worse. Angelina Johnson received massive internal injuries caused by a Massuelius hex to her abdomen...fortunately, cast verbally so it was easily identified. If she hadn't had prompt attention, she would be dead now. She may still die. I sent Poppy directly to the Burrow, and Alroy is meeting Bill in McTavish Street so that they can fetch Melina and Bill can bring her to the Burrow."

"The spell that struck Weasley was likely the Conruptus. It is favoured by Stearns. He's infirm and doesn't move very quickly, and he was likely one of those left to guard the manor. It's an old spell and not often seen. It will assist Melina if she knows which curse it was," Severus said.

Minerva nodded. "I will let Arthur know."

She gathered herself quickly and cast the Patronus spell at the closed window. Her tabby Patronus, a snarl on its face, its hackles raised, and its tail bushed-out, sprang from her wand, shot through the window, and disappeared.

"Are there any other unauthorised missions which I should be aware of, Severus?"

He shook his head. "I was unaware that the Order was planning the mission for that time."

Minerva took in a carefully controlled breath and let it out. "That is precisely why you needed to inform me of what Potter was planning. I cannot believe that you encouraged this."

"I didn't. Not precisely. I was concerned that they would rush off and attempt a rescue sooner and that it would be a complete disaster. I told him that if he were going to do it, early this morning would be best. I also told him to bring others with him. He did not say they were going to do it."

Minerva closed her eyes and shook her head. "Severus, imagine that Potter and his friends had arrived in the middle of the Order's raid rather than the other way around. I cannot tell you more than to say that we have certain knowledge of Malfoy manor, certain . . . family secrets, that Potter does not. You can imagine how we obtained them, though I will not go into detail. The Order's raid relied upon stealth. It could have been exposed too soon if Potter's group had blundered in at the wrong time. As it is, they were unable to use their knowledge to their advantage, and there were unnecessary casualties. We are fortunate that Potter was not one of them. Whatever protection his mother's sacrifice may still afford him now that he is of-age, he is not invulnerable. I may be sceptical about the prophecy itself, but there is no question in my mind that Potter and Riddle are bound, that their fates are joined together, and that Potter's success is essential for Riddle's defeat. But aside from that, I requested that you tell me what you were planning so that I could adjust other plans or inform you of them so that you could alter yours. I see that I trusted too strongly that you would not construe this request narrowly to include only those activities in which you were directly involved. I am, frankly, disappointed. But I will put it down to a momentarily lapse in judgment on your part, perfectly understandable under the circumstances." Minerva looked at him sadly. "Please do remember this incident in the future."

Severus sat stonily. He was no happier than Minerva with the narrowly averted disaster, but he did not like being blamed for it.

"Severus?" Minerva prompted.

"It is not my fault if Potter rushes about doing as he wishes," Severus said crossly.

"Of course not, and I am not blaming you for that. It is a grace that Potter didn't attempt the rescue yesterday, and your suggestion that they do it this morning likely saved it from being a greater disaster than it was. But if you had told me, we could have planned around it...informed Potter, at least, of the Order's plans and asked that he not interfere." Minerva sighed again. "I should have known that he acquiesced too readily yesterday when Arthur said that the Order would deal with it."

"You know Potter has a saviour complex. That is what Riddle is counting on when he attacks Hogwarts. It is what you are counting on, in fact. Of course, Riddle also wants control of Hogwarts and is impatient that he does not already have it, and the continual failure to take over the Ministry has angered him, since he believes that would enable him to have me installed as Headmaster...as his puppet, of course. But you should have anticipated that Potter would pull something like this."

Minerva narrowed her eyes. "That would have been much easier if my Deputy had informed me of what he knew."

Severus looked down.

"Never mind, Severus. It is unlikely that a similar such occasion will arise again between now and the attack on Hogwarts, but if it does, I hope that you will inform me," Minerva said. "I trust you, Severus, more than you can probably appreciate. And I do believe this was simply a lapse. I am sorry if I was unduly harsh."

Severus snorted. "Sometimes, Minerva, you sound like a fool, and you are not one." He lifted his eyes to meet hers. "Harsh. Unduly harsh. I do not believe you know what that would really entail. You could punish me, even use the Cruciatus on me, and you would scarcely be harsh, and it would be deserved."

"You are the one who sounds like a fool now. I would never do such a thing, and you certainly do not deserve it, especially not for something of this sort. And you know as well as I do that physical pain is not the only kind of pain that can be inflicted, though you have far too much experience with that sort of pain. You do not deserve such punishment."

Severus looked away. He did deserve it. Every ounce of pain that was doled out to him in punishment. Perhaps not for the reasons the punishment was given, but he deserved it. And it might cleanse him of the evil he had done and continued to do. The potion . . .

"What of Azkaban?" Severus asked.

Minerva shook her head. "I only have a little information. They did proceed with the attack, despite the fact that the guards put up a fight. The toe-rag's guard did manage to lower the primary wards, so there was some success. How much, I do not yet know, although I understand that the toe-rag himself was not there. Kingsley has been somewhat busy, as has Arthur. I am sure that I will hear something soon. I was surprised that the toe-rag was neither at the manor nor at the attack on Azkaban."

"Mm. The Dark Lord no longer spends very much time at Malfoy manor, using it for meetings, interrogations, and such. He prefers not to be in residence at the same location where he keeps most of his prisoners. Most of his time, I believe, is spent at Goyle's and at that Riddle mansion. Gods, that place is a hell-hole," Severus said, his nose wrinkling in disgust. "There may be other places...indeed, I believe it likely that there is at least one location unknown to anyone but himself and, perhaps, Bella...but I am only acquainted with those three. As for the attack on Azkaban, I believe he assumed that it would be a walk in the park. He is also looking forward to the attack on Hogwarts, and he believes that his presence at Hogwarts will be more impressive and fearsome if he is not seen before that."

"He's still a little toe-rag," Minerva said scornfully. "A murderous, powerful, dangerous little toe-rag, completely without conscience, but nonetheless . . . we will not be impressed or driven by fear. He and his gang will suffer more opposition than they imagine."

"Doubtless," Severus said, "but do be careful, Minerva. They'll need you when it's over. Everyone will. You have already done so much."

"I will not allow others to do my killing and dying for me, Severus. When the time comes, I will defend Hogwarts and her students if it takes my last ounce of magic and my last breath. I pledged it more than forty years ago, and time has diminished neither my commitment nor the devotion I feel toward all who are in Hogwarts care."

"You were Head of Gryffindor. Only now are you Headmistress," Severus said, remembering his own pledge upon becoming Head of Slytherin, the pledge to his House.

"Call me a fool again if you like, Severus, but I did not commit myself only to the care, nurture, and protection of those in my own House even then. It did not wait until I became Headmistress, and my role as Headmistress merely reinforced the pledge I had already made."

"Still, Minerva, you are not young..."

"And neither am I yet old, but even were I twice my age, I would not stand in safety while my school was under attack, and especially not now, when I have had a hand in bringing these very circumstances about."

"You are merely guiding the torrent, Minerva, and not even that. You're just making small diversions in the current, important ones, perhaps key diversions, but you did not create the flood," Severus said.

"Albus always says...said, he wanted to keep me safe, but I know he would never sacrifice Hogwarts or the wizarding world for that safety, and I will not, either. It is futile for you to say another word on the subject, Severus." She smiled at him. "I do appreciate your concern, but I am not untalented, you know. I believe I can hold my own against most others."

"You are not ruthless, Minerva. The Death Eaters, most of them, are ruthless. As am I. You are not, and you are at an automatic disadvantage because of that."

Minerva made a small, noncommital shrug. "We shall see, Severus, we shall see."

---

Severus stumbled groggily toward his door. He had come back to his rooms at four o'clock after learning that the Azkaban prison break had been only somewhat successful. Several Death Eaters had been freed, four guards had been killed, but in the attack, not by the potion, and the island fortress now had large, gaping holes in its walls, and the Ministry was concerned that the entire physical structure had been compromised. Much of the prison had been held together through force of magic, and that had been compromised as well. The remaining prisoners had been herded into a part of the structure that had been untouched and deemed safe from collapse. Only temporary Anti-Apparition wards had been raised, and Scrimgeour was considering moving all of the prisoners to other locations, though that presented the Ministry with a logistical nightmare. The Anti-Apparition wards were scarcely needed, given the phobia most witches and wizards had about Apparating long distance over water, though it was a foolish and unfounded fear. Any distance that a witch or wizard could normally Apparate, she or he could Apparate just as well whether it was over land or water. Severus did not know where the superstition arose, but it seemed medieval nonsense to him.

The pounding on his door did not abate, and his visitor unbalanced slightly when Severus opened the door.

"Sorry, Severus...I assumed you were asleep."

"I was," Severus said grumpily, but admitting Poppy Pomfrey to his rooms. "What is it?"

"I just returned from the Burrow and I wanted to apply the potion to your back before I went to bed myself. I looked for you last night to do it for you before you retired for the night, but I could not find you."

"I was on rounds," Severus said. He had walked the corridors until midnight. It had not helped him to sleep when he returned, but it had provided some temporary distraction, then Crouch had fetched him a couple hours later to bring him to Minerva.

"Please be available tonight. It's the last time you'll need to have the potion applied, but I like to be thorough," Poppy said, heading toward his bedroom.

Severus sighed. There was no point in protesting, and although the area no longer burned, only tingling peculiarly at times, it did feel nice when the potion was rubbed into the skin.

Poppy removed the lid to the tin of shiny white salve and waited for Severus, his back turned to her, to take off his nightshirt. He lay down on his stomach on the bed and closed his eyes, not bothering to cover his legs. She had seen everything there was to see, after all, and his rail-thin body was hardly an object to ignite female desire, even if Poppy weren't the consummate professional she was.

He felt her sit on the edge of the bed, and then he sighed as she began to apply the potion using small circular motions and just two fingertips. He could feel the slight tingle of magic as she applied it, and paid attention to it this time. It seemed to ebb and flow in a way it hadn't with Gareth, building slightly in intensity, then receding before she moved on to the next spot. Gareth was untrained, relatively speaking, and that likely accounted for the difference. Poppy had greater control.

"Do you do very much wandless magic?" Severus asked, his voice slightly muffled by his pillow.

"No, not much. Just the usual. Summoning my wand, occasionally Levitating or moving something wandlessly. I Summon my bath towels that way every morning. But that's the extent of my talents in that area."

"Mm. You don't know that you're doing wandless magic now?" Severus asked.

"This is different," Poppy replied.

"Not really. You have very good control of the magic flowing through your fingertips. You could probably become quite adept at other wandless magic," Severus said.

Poppy smiled. Severus Snape, offering praise. That was an unusual occurrence.

"Perhaps that's something I can practise when I have more time for such things. This summer, if the current situation is resolved. Would you help me?"

Severus sighed almost imperceptibly. "If the current situation is resolved, as you put it, I will likely be 'resolved,' as well. How were the patients at the Burrow?" he asked, changing the subject and unsure whether he wanted the answer.

Poppy paused a moment, dipping her fingers back into the tin to get more salve, then she said, "I was able to halt the spread of the curse on Ronald Weasley's leg, and after Arthur received word about which curse it was, Melina was able to reverse the spell and treat it. He will likely always have some trouble with that leg, though. Nymphadora is quite well. I saw her last, as she was already conscious and complaining about Remus's fussing when I arrived. The others were only suffering from minor hexes, nothing that required immediate attention. Angelina Johnson . . . I had never encountered the Massuelius hex, though I had learned about it during my training and recently refreshed myself on the treatment of unusual curses and hexes, including that one. I did my best to treat her. When Melina arrived, she took over. It was, unfortunately, insufficient," Poppy said softly, "and she died of massive internal haemorrhaging an hour ago. I used the countercurse, we tried to repair all of the damage to her organs, gave her Blood-replenishing Potion, and we did our best, but our best was not good enough. If we had been able to treat her immediately, perhaps that would have made a difference, but it took them several long minutes to escape with her, and then for us to learn of it and me to get to the Burrow . . ."

Severus couldn't suppress the shudder that passed through him at her words. If he had warned Potter off . . . or had told Minerva what the boy was planning. Another death laid at his feet, and this one, preventable.

"I'm sorry, Severus," Poppy whispered.

He nodded, unsure why she was telling him she was sorry. His jaw tightened, and he gritted his teeth. Poppy was almost done applying the potion to his back. Severus could feel tears rising, and he beat them back. Exhaustion, desperation, sorrow, guilt, whatever it was, it was not useful, and regardless, he could not let Poppy see that weakness. She had seen too much of his physical weakness as it was. Whatever McGonagall had said to him about there being no shame in tears, Severus knew better than he did; he knew well the shame of tears, and he knew the weakness they displayed.

Severus heard Poppy replace the lid on the tin, but she did not rise from her position beside him.

"Do you have any of that potion of yours...the dark one, for external use?" the mediwitch asked.

Severus nodded silently, his eyes still closed.

"Could you Summon it for me?"

Severus, not questioning her, raised his right hand and Summoned it both wandlessly and nonverbally, taking only slight pride in it as he caught the jar. He felt Poppy take it from his hand, then a few moments later, he felt her rubbing it into his shoulders, magic tingling through her fingertips.

"I have not been subject to Crucio today," Severus said, pushing up slightly.

"Shh, shh, just lie there," Poppy said softly, pressing him back down. "You are strung so tensely, you feel as though you might snap at any moment, Severus. Your muscles are bunches of knots. It is my professional opinion that you need this, so you will allow it unless you wish me to call Minerva and wake her and have her tell you to submit."

Severus gave in...more easily than he wished, but it felt good, and there was some comfort in her touch that went beyond the loosening of muscles and the unknotting of tension. Unfortunately, as she slowly, methodically kneaded the muscles in his shoulders and upper back, he could feel his tears rising again, and he seemed powerless to stop them. He only hoped she wouldn't notice as they overflowed his lids and began to trickle down his cheeks.

Poppy began to massage his left arm, beginning near his shoulder and working her way down, and as she did, she began to hum lightly. It was a sweet, soft humming of an old-fashioned tune that seemed familiar to Severus, though he did not recognise it. As she hummed, he felt his tears flow faster, and he knew that Poppy could not be unaware of them, but she said nothing, merely continuing with her slow, relaxing massage, humming her haunting melody filled with grace notes that seemed to add a melancholic edge to the otherwise bright tune. Severus let out a shuddering breath, and Poppy continued her massage, reaching his left forearm and paying no attention to the hideous brand there. To his shame, as her fingers moved gently over the Dark Mark and then to his wrist, he sobbed, choking it back but unable to completely suppress it. Poppy gave no sign that she noticed, merely moving on to massage the palm of his hand and each finger.

When Poppy moved over to his right arm, Severus could no longer fight his body, and his tears and his wrenched sobs continued unabated. He tried to bury his face in the pillow, and Poppy gave the first indication that she noticed his tears. As her right hand continued to knead his upper arm, she brushed aside his hair with her other hand and, with gentle pressure to his jaw, urged him to turn his head to the side. She wiped at his tears with the back of her hand, the strong, fiery potion still on her fingers and palm. Her humming paused for a moment, and Severus feared she was going to say something, but she did not. As she began to rub his forearm with both hands again, she resumed her humming, this time a more cheerful melody, one that Severus did not recognise at all.

When she had finished with his right arm, Poppy finished massaging his back, though she skipped over the area where he had been injured by Moody's curse. Severus was slightly nervous that she was going to massage his buttocks next. He found that an intimate area to be massaged, and it could be quite arousing for him under ordinary circumstances, though the stress of the last year had killed whatever libido the Dark Lord's return hadn't already smothered, and it would be unlikely that he would react at all to such a massage. Nonetheless, he hoped she would not touch him there. His concern was allayed when she moved down to his feet and began working her way up his legs. Severus found his tears subsiding and his breathing coming slowly and regularly. As she reached his thighs, he felt quite sleepy.

Severus was barely aware of her casting a cleansing charm, probably on her hands to rid them of the strong potion, then he felt her fingers on his neck. He flinched slightly, but then he relaxed as she massaged the muscles in his neck and then moved up to the back of his head. His tears began, inexplicably, to flow again, but this time, gently, and he also felt his nose begin to run. He reached to wipe it, but Poppy stopped him.

"Shh, shh, leave it. We'll clean and freshen everything when I'm through, and you can use a handkerchief then," she said softly.

It was a relief just to relax and not think, to let his body just be, and to let Poppy's touch, her kind touch, give him comfort and not pain. She even massaged his ears, and when she reached his earlobes, he felt himself smiling involuntarily, and that felt good, as well.

Finally, she said, "Now, I need to roll you over, so I'm going to pull the sheet up for you, all right?"

"Mmhm." Severus would have agreed to almost anything at that moment. If the Dark Lord really wanted his cooperation, he could do worse than follow Poppy Pomfrey's example, he thought, trying not to laugh.

"What's funny?" She had moved off the bed and was pulling the sheet up to cover his legs and buttocks.

"Just thinking that if the Dark Lord really wanted more power, he could take a lesson from you," Severus said, not suppressing his smile.

"Putty in my hands, are you?" Poppy asked with a chuckle.

"Not quite," Severus said. But almost, he thought to himself.

Severus had to exert no effort at all as Poppy rolled him over onto his back, using a combination of magic and her own muscle. He sighed as she stroked over the scant muscles on his chest, barely there between his skin and his ribs, and then the front of his shoulders. This time, he expected it as she moved up and gently rubbed the muscles and skin on either side of his throat, her magic flowing soothingly through her fingers, and he did not flinch, but again, he felt tears gathering in his eyes and then overflowing their banks. This time, Severus could not help the sobs that accompanied them, loud, gulping cries ripped from this throat, but Poppy said nothing, simply humming a soft, comforting tune, a lullaby, he thought vaguely as he tried to swallow his shame with his tears.

Her hands reached his face, and her fingers played their way through his tears, massaging his jaw and applying gentle pressure to his cheek bones. As one hand rubbed his forehead, Severus felt her wipe his nose and upper lip with a handkerchief, then, as a mother would for a small child, she held the handkerchief for him and softly said, "Blow," then wiped his nose again after he had.

Both hands massaged his forehead then his temples. Her fingers carded through his hair, and she massaged his scalp again. Finally, she placed both hands lightly on his shoulders.

"Better?" she asked.

Severus opened his eyes for the first time since she had begun rubbing the initial potion into his back. He nodded. Poppy's answering smile was weary, and he noticed what he had not when she had arrived: her grey-blue eyes were shadowed by dark circles and she looked exhausted. The urge to weep rose in him again, but this time, he successfully tamped it down.

"Thank you," he whispered. She could have gone directly to her rooms after returning from the Burrow. No one would have blamed her. Or she could have simply done her duty to him and applied the necessary potion to the lower portion of his back. Yet she had stayed and she had taken her time with him. Severus swallowed. It was her job, after all. No reason for gratitude.

She drew in a deep breath and let it out. "I am glad you feel better." Her face grew serious. "You need to eat better, Severus. I know that I have said that before, but you have lost weight just in the last week, and that's with us trying to look after you. I am going to send down a nutritional potion for you every morning and every evening. You need to drink it. I know what you believe about your early grave, but if you are going to be able to keep going until that point, you need to feed yourself properly. I know that often, your stomach probably rebels at the thought of food. The nutritional potions are easy on your stomach. Will you take them?"

Severus nodded. "Yes, I will."

"Do you want to talk? About tonight? Or anything else?"

He shook his head.

"You may, you know. I would never tell anyone else what you share with me, not unless I believed you were a danger to yourself...other than the fact that you keep having to go back to him, which is unavoidable. But you can talk to me," Poppy said.

Severus shook his head again.

"Angelina Johnson's death is upsetting," Poppy said softly. "It is to everyone. It is not surprising to me if you are upset about it as well."

Severus closed his eyes, remembering the tall, energetic Gryffindor. She had been one of the prettiest girls in the school, and diligent in Potions. And a Quidditch player, like Higgs.

"I am responsible," he said softly. "I knew what Potter planned. I should have told Minerva. I did not. If I had, she would be alive. One death I could have prevented."

"There is always danger to those who oppose him. She chose to follow Potter and to join her friends in freeing three prisoners. They are now at the Burrow, recuperating."

"One was Lovegood, who were the others?" Severus asked.

"Florean Fortescue and old Ollivander," Poppy said. "If it is any comfort to you, I do not believe that Ollivander would have lived much longer in captivity, and Fortescue was half dead, nearly starved."

Severus swallowed. It seemed hardly a fair trade. Mundungus Fletcher might finally have done something good with his life by sacrificing it for the others, but Johnson had been so young . . .

"Even if you had informed Minerva, there still may have been casualties, just different ones. We cannot know. We cannot know." Poppy brushed some of his hair back from his face. "There are, I am sure, worse things that weigh upon you, things even more difficult to bear remembering. You don't need to bear them alone."

Severus swallowed again. "I do. I cannot tell you. I cannot tell you for many reasons. But if I were to tell you, I do not know if I could continue. It seems easier to just . . . to just push it aside so that I can do what I must do."

"Perhaps. I know that sometimes that is necessary in the short run for some people or they are unable to function, but I think you should talk about it to someone. If not me, then perhaps Minerva or another friend."

Severus couldn't help the short laugh that came in reaction to her suggestion. "I have no other friends, Poppy." He opened his eyes. "You may not have noticed, but I am a Death Eater spy. Hardly the type to have friends." His mind flitted briefly to Hermione, but however much she was his friend, she was also his student and she was very young. He could not tell her anything of this, whatever "this" was.

"I will listen, Severus." She paused, looking seriously into his dark eyes. "And if you wish, either for reasons of the Order or for your own personal comfort, you may use Obliviate on me afterward."

Severus blinked in surprise. "You don't mind the prospect of being Obliviated?" For most witches and wizards, the thought was, at best, unsettling, at worst, terrifying.

"I would trust you to do it with care. I would not . . . I would not prefer it, but I see that you suffer. I can hardly begrudge you something that might relieve that. It would be a small price. I would like, of course, to remember that I agreed to be Obliviated, and why, but you could erase the part of my memory that constituted our subsequent conversation."

Severus shook his head. "Even so . . . thank you for your offer, Poppy. I am sure it goes beyond the dictates of your profession to make such an offer, but I will not require you to demonstrate your sincerity. I simply cannot discuss anything to do with . . . to do with what things may weigh upon me."

Poppy nodded. "But if you ever change your mind, come see me. Day or night, Severus."

Poppy freshened and cleaned his pillow and sheets as Severus put his nightshirt back on.

"I think I'm going to skip breakfast and try to get some sleep," she said before she left him, "but I hope that you go up and eat some breakfast. I'll have my house-elf give yours your nutritional potion, though, so you can take that whether you manage to eat or not."

After Severus closed the door behind the school matron, he looked at the clock on his mantle. Seven-thirty. There seemed hardly any point to returning to bed, but he thought he would lie down for just a little while. He had to go to Grimmauld Place later that day and pretend to search for the fucking locket, and he wouldn't be surprised if the Dark Lord summoned him to his presence before that. His Mark was itching slightly, but he hadn't been called yet, though both the raid on the Malfoy manor and the results of the attack on Azkaban must be enraging the Dark Lord by now. He was probably busy taking out his anger on those who had taken part in the attack and those who had been supposed to be guarding the manor. Hopefully, the Dark Lord would not think about him for a while. At least not until he failed to turn up with the locket. And then he would have to create misleading memories of the Order meeting to eliminate their discussion of the attacks on Hogwarts and the Ministry. Fortunately, they had not discussed the attack on Azkaban in his presence, so it would be easy enough for the Dark Lord to see that he had not divulged that plan. He would excise the memory of his conversation with Potter, manipulate the memory of his conversation with Moody, and avoid any appearance of Hermione whatsoever, except as a vague attendant at the full Order meeting.

It was harder for Severus now to know whether his manipulated memories would hold up under scrutiny. Something like the search of the Room of Requirement was easy enough, but to disguise the content of an Order meeting was more difficult, and knowing what to keep of the truth without revealing too much was always a challenge. When Albus was alive, Severus had been able to have him gently probe the memory, not to determine whether his Occlumency shields would hold...although they did occasionally test those as well, they hadn't done it often in recent years...but to see whether the memory seemed complete, organic, and unaltered.

While he would deposit into the Pensieve his memories of accompanying Hermione to meet the other three at Grimmauld Place, those of testing the locket and the cup for curses, and any others that he thought might undermine the authenticity of the memory of his search for the locket, Severus doubted that he would have the time to examine memories of past Order meetings in order to craft just the right memory for the Dark Lord to view. He would have to rely on his raw skill, and although that was considerable, he was not sanguine that some indication of his deception might not creep in. Severus knew that the Dark Lord did occasionally have doubts about whether he was hiding anything, but he couldn't afford to have those doubts grow.

Severus sighed and lay down, certain that he would not sleep, but not yet ready to face his day. The next thing he knew, his body jerked in response to some unknown stimulus, and he opened his eyes. He must have fallen asleep. He reached for his watch. Ten-thirty. He blinked. It was still ten-thirty.

Severus shook off his surprise, wound his watch, and got out of bed. After he dressed, he went out to his sitting room and found a small bottle of nutritional potion on his table. There was a note with it.

Severus,

Here is your nutritional potion. It tastes best chilled. This one is vanilla, but I also have chocolate, orange, peppermint, and mixed vegetable. The latter is the one that Minerva prefers. It tastes primarily of spinach. Let me know if you prefer a specific flavour, otherwise I'll send a different one each time. You can tell me this evening at the staff meeting.

I hope you are feeling better.

– Poppy

Severus groaned. He had forgotten about the staff meeting, which was to be followed by a meeting of the Heads of House, though he was not attending the latter meeting. As if his life weren't miserable enough.

After casting a cooling charm on the potion and quickly chugging it down, Severus decided that there was no point in procrastinating. He would be called by the Dark Lord soon, and in addition to learning the results of the search of the Black house, he would want to know why he hadn't been informed about the raid on the manor. Severus could honestly say that he hadn't known about it and tell him that the smaller meeting that had been held after he left must have been to plan that raid.

One step after another, he reminded himself as he rode the stairs up to the Headmistress's Office to deposit his memories into her Pensieve. Just one step after the other . . .

---

Severus heard someone downstairs, and then the portrait began to scream invectives. He suppressed a groan. Everyone had been told to stay away from Grimmauld Place all day that Sunday. He wanted to hex the fool who could not follow instructions. He was essentially finished, anyway. He closed the drawer he had just rummaged through and went to find the culprit.

"Lupin! What are you doing here?"

Lupin started, then turned to face Severus as he came down the stairs.

"Sorry, came to feed Buckbeak," Lupin said wearily. "Harry said he hadn't been fed since Friday night."

"I did it already," Severus said shortly. "The creature was likely to bite off my arm if I didn't."

"You found the..."

"Yes, I found the rats in the storage room." Seeing Lupin open his mouth, Severus added, "And I thawed them so he could actually eat them."

It had been disgusting, filling the sack with frozen rats, thawing them, and tossing them to the beast, but he had seemed appreciative, then after eating, he had curled up and sleepily watched Severus as he searched the attic. As Severus walked past him to leave, Buckbeak had given him what Severus assumed was a friendly bump in the leg with his head. Practically knocked him over with that gesture of affection, but Severus decided that that was better than becoming Hippogriff fodder. The creature should be moved back to Hogwarts. It would be unlikely to be discovered at this point, if anyone even still cared. And if no one was left alive to feed the Hippogriff, it would die in the attic. He would speak to Minerva about it.

"Oh." Lupin just stood there.

"Was there anything else?" Severus asked impatiently.

"I thought I'd have a cup of tea."

Severus sneered. "Molly didn't drown you all in tea already?"

Lupin blushed. "Well, she did, but I thought . . . a few minutes of quiet." Severus just looked down at him from his position on the stairs. "I could fix you a cup too. If you want."

Severus restrained himself from sighing, rolling his eyes, or cursing. "Very well. But stay out of my way."

Lupin nodded and stepped toward the hallway. "You don't want a cup?"

"I need to finish the room I was searching," Severus said. "I will need to excise this . . . interruption from my memory as it is."

"Come down to the kitchen when you are through, then," Remus said.

Severus snorted and turned and went back upstairs. He heard Lupin's footsteps headed toward the kitchen. Fifteen minutes later, he was finished searching the house. He had begun with the kitchen and storerooms, then gone on to the ground floor before going up to the attic and discovering that the Hippogriff needed feeding. After he had searched the attic, Severus had worked his way down to the first floor. It had been tedious and he felt covered with a layer of grime. He was also thirsty.

Lupin looked up as Severus entered the kitchen. "I made a pot if you'd like a cup."

Severus nodded. Since he had thrown Lupin out of his rooms over a year ago, they had spent no time alone together. Severus had been uncomfortable with Lupin's friendly overtures as it was, as well as his inability to remember not to call him "Sev"...that was a privilege reserved for very few. No one called him that now, and Lupin, no matter what delusions he might harbour about their relationship, had never been welcome to do so. But on that day when the werewolf had shown up with the bottle of firewhisky and Severus had chucked him out, Severus had only recently learned that the Headmaster was preparing for his death, and the last thing that he wanted was someone pretending to be his friend. It didn't help matters that on his previous visit, Lupin had drunk half a bottle of firewhisky and become too drunk to leave, then was sick all over his sitting room. Severus had put him in his own bed, a sacrifice in itself, but then the stinking drunk had called him "Sev" and pulled him down into a sloppy, drunken embrace and tried to kiss him. Only on the cheek, but it was still revolting.

Severus sat down at the table across from Lupin and sipped his tea. Still hot. Lupin must have cast a Cosy Charm on the teapot. Severus had never bothered to learn that one, just reheating his tea if it cooled off.

"How are things at the Burrow?" Severus asked.

Lupin shrugged. "You know about last night? Or this morning, I guess it was."

Severus nodded.

"Somewhat chaotic, but calmer. O'Donald was still there when I left, but she'd fallen asleep sitting up. She said that Dora will be fine."

Severus narrowed his eyes. Again, the selfish werewolf. Johnson was dead, Weasley was likely going to suffer the effects of the Conruptus on his leg for the rest of his life, the elderly prisoners were emaciated wrecks, but his darling wife takes a Stunner and a Petrificus, and he mentions only her.

"And the others?" Severus asked sharply.

"Angelina Johnson . . ."

"I know about her."

"Weasley will be fine. He was up walking around already this morning. Limping, but not in any pain, he said. No one else was injured significantly." Lupin sighed. "I didn't want Dora to come on the raid, but she insisted. She's the one who got the information from Narcissa, and..."

"First of all, Lupin, you are telling me too much...the mention of Narcissa's name was highly imprudent of you," Severus said. "I am not supposed to know anything about the fate of the two Malfoys. Anything at all. Particularly not that they may have provided the Order with any assistance. I may have guessed that myself, but that is a different thing altogether. Secondly, your concern for your darling bride is understandable but of no interest to me, particularly given the fact that Johnson is dead and Weasley is permanently injured."

Lupin looked at him quietly for a moment, then he said softly, "Dora's pregnant."

With that statement, Severus understood Lupin's concern. Either hex alone could have imperiled the pregnancy. Both hexes together were almost guaranteed to cause a miscarriage.

"I see," Severus said.

"Only two months. No one else knows. Except Poppy and Melina, of course. And now you." Remus sighed. "I wanted Poppy to look at her right away, but Dora wouldn't hear of it. Of course, she was right. It's hard to believe that Angelina is dead. She actually woke up for a while. We thought she would be all right."

"Minerva needs to know...about Tonks. And Arthur, as well," Severus said.

"Dora doesn't want anyone to know. She is adamant about it. She wants to be treated just as usual."

"That's one of the most idiotic things I have heard in a long time, Lupin, and I hear stupidity on a daily basis." Severus glared at him. "She will participate in no more dangerous activities. You will insist upon it. You are the child's father...I assume you are...and you have a say in it. Her desire to continue going on raids is absurd. It is fine for her to endanger herself, but she should not imperil the baby as well. You will tell her that."

Lupin opened his mouth then closed it, shifting in his chair and looking uncomfortable.

"Are you a man or not, Lupin? Foolish question," Severus said with a sneer.

"We weren't planning to have children this soon. It was an accident," Lupin said as though that explained everything.

"If you are saying that she doesn't want the child, there are better ways of dealing with that situation than allowing herself to be hexed," Severus said.

"No, no, I'm not saying that. We both want the baby. But we hadn't planned it. She thinks it's important to keep fighting You Know Who. She doesn't want our child born into a world with You Know Who in it."

"She is not indispensable to the Order, and you know that. There are others who are fighting him." Severus looked at him with hard eyes. "You need not tell Minerva. I shall. Tell Tonks whatever you like about it."

Lupin nodded. "Thanks, Sev."

"And do not call me that." The fool believed they were friends just because he didn't want a pregnant witch to be hexed.

"Sorry. It must remind you of..."

"It reminds me of nothing but the fact that you presume too much, Lupin," Severus said disdainfully.

Lupin looked down into his teacup. "I'm sorry, Severus. Whatever I did. I'm sorry."

Severus's lip curled in disgust. "You don't remember almost killing me?"

"No, I meant . . . whatever I did more recently. I thought . . . I'd thought we were getting over that." He shrugged.

Severus shook his head. "I tried to call a truce for the Headmaster's sake. That was all. You read too much into it, and then you took advantage of my attempt at tolerance."

Lupin looked back up, his brow furrowed.

"I do not enjoy cleaning up after a drunken werewolf who pukes all over my sitting room and then stinks up my bed with his putrid carcass, and who then can't even utter a simple 'thank you' the next morning," Severus spat.

"I threw up?" Lupin asked.

"Threw up! Projectile vomit, Lupin." Severus did not hide his disgust.

"I didn't remember. You weren't there in the morning." Lupin shook his head. "I'm sorry."

Severus snorted. "Hopefully, marriage has curbed your drinking. Fatherhood should. If it doesn't, your child will be better off without you. Your wife, too."

Remus nodded. "It was . . . it was a phase."

"And aren't I the privileged one to share that lovely phase of your life with you!" Severus said sarcastically. "Didn't have any friends who would put up with it?"

Remus twitched one shoulder.

Severus stood. "Clean up here." He paused in the doorway and turned his head to look at Lupin. "Make sure Tonks doesn't do anything foolish. Be a man. Take care of your wife."

He didn't wait for Lupin to react. He left the house as quickly as he could, crossed over to the park, and Disapparated.

As he walked up to the castle from the gates, Severus remembered the man who had been his father, who had been his father until he abandoned him. The last year that he was still around...and he hadn't been around much...he had come home smelling of alcohol and cigarettes, and then he would sit and drink more, sitting and smoking and drinking in the dark. Severus would come down the steps and sit on them, watching the cigarette end glowing and fading, glowing and fading with each puff. He would hope that his father would get up, see him, and bring him up to bed, tucking him in as he used to, but he never did. The few times that his father did see him, he would just ignore him as he tripped drunkenly up the stairs. Then one day, his father was gone, and it was just him and his mother, with frequent frightening visits from his grandfather.

Severus didn't give a damn about the offspring of the werewolf and the Metamorphmagus, but any child deserved better than a drunken father. The kid would already be starting life with handicaps: not only not a pureblood, but the child of a half-blood and a werewolf. It was possibly worse than being a half-blood or even a Muggle-born.

Up in the Headmistress's Office, Severus encountered no one. He took the Pensieve from its cabinet and readied himself to deposit bits of memory in it, concentrating to remove just those involving Lupin, but then he stopped. He needed to inform Minerva about the pregnancy first. He disliked going up to her suite uninvited, but it was important that he do that before he went to see the Dark Lord. If the Dark Lord killed him or kept him captive, it would be too late to do it, and he did not know when, if ever, Minerva would think to look at the memories he had deposited in the Pensieve. He knew...and trusted...that she did not look at them while he was away, only viewing those memories she explicitly requested to see, such as the one she had viewed the day before. Severus had no reason to believe that she would simply discard his memories if he were to die, but he doubted that viewing them would be one of her first priorities, either.

He climbed the spiral brass staircase up to the suite and knocked at the door. A few moments later, he heard someone crossing the room. Minerva, dressed but looking sleepy, opened it to him.

"Severus. Come in. Back from headquarters?" she asked, opening the door more widely.

"Yes. And before I deposit the memories of the interruptions into the Pensieve, I needed to speak with you."

Minerva sat in one of the armchairs and Severus took a seat on the sofa.

"There were supposed to be no interruptions," Minerva said with some irritation.

"Gryffindors are never ones to follow rules," Severus scoffed. "Lupin showed up before I was done."

"Why? What couldn't wait until you were through?"

"Supposedly he came to feed the Hippogriff. I had already done that since it was obvious the beast was hungry." Lest it seem he'd acted out of the goodness of his nonexistent heart, Severus added, "It was that or be unable to search the attic."

"Of course."

Severus thought she was humouring him, but he continued. "Lupin still stayed, but he kept out of my way. Before I left, I spoke to him. Tonks is pregnant."

"What?!"

"She is with child. Lupin said it was unplanned but not unwanted. Nonetheless, I thought you and Arthur should know. It could be dangerous for her to participate in any other Order raids. Lupin wanted her to stay out of it, but apparently appeasing her was more important to him than protecting the life of his child. Hardly surprising, I suppose, coming from him. But I believe that he has seen the error of his ways."

"We would not have sent her to the manor if we had known. You are correct to tell me this," Minerva said. "It is one thing if she happens to need to defend herself in an unexpected situation, and it's quite another for her to place herself in such a situation." Minerva shook her head. "It is difficult enough to know that people are likely to die and that I cannot protect every child at Hogwarts, but we can protect that baby...we can at least keep Nymphadora from participating in anything that would make her a target. Thank you for telling me, Severus."

"Mmph. Someone needs to think clearly," Severus said. "I need to go see the Dark Lord. I hope I will be back before the staff meeting..."

"Can't you go afterward? You told him about it yesterday," Minerva said, surprised herself that she remembered that that was part of the conversation which had taken place after the poison was tested on Higgs.

Severus hesitated. "I am concerned that he has not called me. I believe from the way my Mark felt earlier today that he has been calling others to him, but I do not know why he has not called me. The entire time I was searching headquarters, I expected to feel his summons."

"Perhaps he has found others to blame for the failures. He also expects you to be searching for the locket today. If that is important to him, he would want you to finish that before he saw you. And he seemed interested in the staff meeting."

"He always is interested in staff meetings, though there is rarely anything of use to him in them. I think it's more of an obsessive interest on his part than a useful one," Severus replied.

"Probably. Be sure you remove any memory of the other meeting. That would be suspicious to him."

"Mm. That there would be a meeting of Heads of House to which I am not invited is suspicious even to me, Minerva," Severus said with a thin smile.

Minerva hesitated only a moment, then she said, "We will be discussing strategy. What to do if Hogwarts is attacked, who will do what, where the younger students will be sent, what defences we will mount, and so forth. This is a castle and we will defend it as one. I've invited Hooch to meet with me later tonight to discuss forming a small broomstick squad of select staff and a few older students. We will have a multi-pronged defence whatever else happens. When I meet with Filius, Pomona, and Alroy, I will explain that you and I have already met, and that you have a very special role to play, which is why you are not present..."

"What of Slytherin?" Severus asked, interrupting.

"I will speak to Sinistra separately. She will work with your prefects to get the young ones to safety. She will also have to keep them all together...the older students, too. I know that not all of them are from Death Eater families, but enough of them are that we cannot risk having them added to the toe-rag's numbers. She will do it."

Severus shook his head. "I doubt she will be able to keep students like Goyle and Nott from joining the Dark Lord when he attacks. They and others will be vipers striking from within."

"That is what we must try to avoid. We may not be successful, but we can't simply allow them to run loose. We have to try to confine them."

Severus nodded. "I am unhappy with that, but I see no other alternative, unless you were to take away their wands and lock them up in advance of the attack."

"And then it would be very obvious that we had advance warning of the attack," Minerva said. "No, we can only do so much beforehand. Even the plans I make with the Heads of House will need to be done in such a way that they believe I am simply being overly cautious. They cannot believe that I have any definite foreknowledge of an attack. That will be an impediment to planning, but at least we will have some plans in place. I don't want folk running about willy-nilly. Besides, they will wonder why I would keep the school open if I believed it was going to be attacked."

"If you were to close the school early, the Dark Lord would only attack as the students boarded the Hogwarts Express. That would draw everyone away from the castle, since the staff would come down to defend the students, he would still be able to take Hogwarts, and Potter would still rush to its defence. It would be mayhem and far more people would be likely to die." At Minerva's expression, Severus said, "He has actually spoken of doing that if I am unable to lower the wards when he wants me to. He would have no compunction whatsoever about killing dozens of children. It is one of the few consolations I have, that in assisting him to attack the castle, I am at least averting that."

Minerva nodded wearily. "Unless he calls you sooner, stay here for dinner and the staff meeting. You can leave immediately after that." She looked over at him. "Did you sleep at all last night?"

"I did not sleep before Crouch fetched me, but after I returned to my rooms, I slept for a couple of hours. Then Poppy woke me up to put that potion on my back, but I was able to sleep again after that."

"Yes, she mentioned that when I saw her after lunch. She did not say that Nymphadora was pregnant, though, and she must have known."

"I have no doubt that Tonks asked that no one be told." Severus was beginning to appreciate the mediwitch's sense of discretion, although he did think that this might have been an exceptional circumstance...a witch running about engaging in duels while pregnant couldn't be anything which Poppy approved of.

Minerva nodded. "Of course." She stood. "I will see you at dinner, Severus. If I do not, I will assume that you have been called. I am going to lie down for a few minutes."

"I will deposit my memories in your Pensieve now, then," Severus replied, standing.

"Very good."

---

Severus had found dinner scarcely palatable, and he only remained, pushing his food around his plate, because the staff meeting was scheduled for immediately after dinner. Finally, he pushed away from the table and stood. He would wait for the others in the staff room. On his way out, he stopped next to Poppy and bent to speak to her.

"Madam Pomfrey, I anticipate being out of the castle this evening," he said in a low voice. "I might be back quite late. I tell you so that you will not be surprised if I am unavailable for the final treatment."

Poppy nodded briskly. "Come to me when you return...as soon as you are able after you return," she amended, knowing he would likely go to see Minerva first.

"It may be quite late."

"That is of no consequence. Eleven at night, two in the morning, whenever it is."

Severus made a noncommital noise, then turned and left. Foolish witch. As though one more treatment would make any difference, particularly this close to the end of his life. A part of him, though, was grateful that she cared at all, even knowing that he was on the way to his death. She would probably see to it that there was another nutritional potion delivered to his quarters that night, and she would continue to send them twice daily until he was dead. That thought brought him a peculiar, unidentifiable sensation, which he shook off as he entered the staff room.

Uncomfortable at the notion of sitting alone at the table waiting for the others, Severus took a seat in the wingback chair in the corner of the room. From that vantage point, he could see everyone who entered, but as he was in the shadows and not near the table, which would be the focal point for anyone entering the room for the meeting, few people, if any, would notice him. He would wait until Minerva arrived, then he would take his place on her right. Until then, he would simply wait...and perhaps overhear some interesting gossip.

Filius and Pomona entered first. Severus grimaced when, after they had each taken their seats, Pomona leaned over and kissed Filius. The kiss grew more passionate, and Severus closed his eyes. He was grateful when he heard the door open again. It was MacAirt and Vector, two relatively tolerable colleagues. MacAirt spotted him immediately, looking at him, raising an eyebrow, but then looking away, not greeting him and giving no indication to the others that he had seen him. Points to MacAirt. Sinistra came in next with Firenze, then Filch, quickly followed by Trelawney, with Minerva and Crouch just behind her.

As Minerva came in, Severus stood and stepped toward the table. The others who were already there had no time to be startled by that before a second, more startling event occurred.

Trelawney saw him, and as soon as she did, her eyes rolled into the back of her head, her body stiffened, her head went back, and a loud, hollow groan emitted from her mouth.

"A phoenix burns, a phoenix dies.

"A phoenix rises, a lioness stalks.

"A snake commands, a snake obeys.

"A snake strikes, a snake falls.

"A phoenix flares, a phoenix flies.

"A snake sleeps, a lioness cries.

"A lioness breathes, a snake suspires.

"A phoenix sings, a lioness leaps.

"A snake dies, a lioness roars.

"A snake sheds, a lioness weeps.

"A phoenix burns, a phoenix lives."

Crouch on one side of her and Minerva on the other took Trelawney's arms as she went limp for a moment, then blinked and looked around at everyone staring at her. She looked up at Minerva. Minerva patted her shoulder.

"You know, Sybill, I think you seem a little tired this evening. Why don't you let Robbie walk you back to your tower, hmm?"

"If you think so," Sybill said with a nod, backing up and running into Hagrid, who had just come up behind them and was standing in the open doorway. Sybill jumped.

Robbie smiled down at her. "It's only Hagrid."

Hagrid greeted her with a big grin, unsure what was going on, but happy to put her at ease, then Robbie led her out of the staff room. Just outside the door, he looked back at Minerva and nodded. She smiled, and Severus just shook his head and took his seat at the table. He shared Hermione's estimation of divination: a load of rubbish, most of it. But he also knew the power it held over people, and he had seen the devastation that belief in it could cause. Everything that had come from Trelawney's mouth was gibberish, but this was still one memory of the staff meeting he would have to excise before he saw the Dark Lord again.