Snape

Disclaimer: Not mine, never will be (and that applies to all chapters, in case I forget...).

Chapter 3: Snape

Hermione sighed. She slowly stood up to gather together the parchments from the interviews. As she reached for the first one, she was interrupted by the figure of Snape striding in as if it were his classroom.

"Miss Granger, I have come to see you regarding your absence from my class today."

"I thought Professor Dumbledore had excused me from all my classes, sir. Is there make-up work you wish me to do?"

Snape sneered. "The headmaster sent me to ask you if your day has been productive."

She unconsciously licked her lips as she thought about the last interview's results.

"Yes, the day was very productive. I finally found the answer to Blaise's sexual preferences." She smirked as Snape raised an eyebrow at her. "And with that information, I found out just how attractive I am." She looked down and shuffled the parchments, not wanting Snape to see her glassy eyes.

Blaise had confirmed her suspicions about her "suitors'" motives. Dumbledore was not a force to be trifled with.

"Ah, so you've had quite the day for your ego, I see," Snape said with his characteristic sarcasm. "Lucky you."

Hermione sighed before looking back up. "As for the meetings being productive, well, Remus was very nice about being the remaining contender. I still have to make a decision, but I think I know what my choice is."

Snape looked at her, his face a blank mask. He then sighed, and said, "I'm curious, Miss Granger. What questions you came up with to help you make your decision."

Hermione looked at him suspiciously. "Why?"

"Because I have insatiable curiosity," he said flatly, as he looked at her arrogantly, demanding an answer.

"I'll tell you, but only if you answer the questions." She smiled at him with fake innocence. It was an opportunity she could not pass up, even if she regretted it later in class.

"I'll do no such thing."

"Well, then, your curiosity will remain unsatisfied."

Snape scowled. Hermione smiled.

"Fine. I will answer those questions I deem worthy, with your promise that any and all information I give you goes no further."

Hermione looked at him, surprised that he gave in so easily. "Of course, Professor. I wouldn't think of sharing anyone's answers, let alone yours." She took one of the parchments and sat down, indicating to Snape that he should make himself comfortable.

"Okay, first off, do you want children?"

"That is your first question?"

"Yes. Is something wrong with that?"

"No, I just thought you would cushion such a question with more mundane, less personal ones. But I forgot, you lack Slytherin subtlety, in favor of Gryffindor brashness."

Hermione's hackles were raised. "What is it with you and that stupid rivalry? I mean, yes, the other professors want their Houses to win the House and Quidditch cups, but they don't go around insulting the other Houses. It seems so childish.

"And as for cushioning the question, I am trying to determine whether the person is compatible with me, and as you pointed out, I prefer being bold rather than sly. If the person is affronted by my manner, then it's best to figure that out right away. Besides, it's a crucial question, and there's no point wasting time I haven't got."

Snape stared at her, both eyebrows raised, his lips twitching.

"I see. Next question?"

"You didn't answer the first."

"Eventually. Next question."

"Really? You're open to having kids? I... Huh."

"I have no objection to children, Miss Granger. I object to dunderheads. I am fairly confident that my children will not be dunderheads."

"Children? Plural?" Hermione was gaping again, not believing her ears. This bitter man, the Bat of the Dungeons, the Greasy Git wanted more than just an heir?

"Yes, although I would leave the decision of how many up to my wife. I do not think I'd like to have more than five, though."

"How considerate," Hermione said faintly. She looked down for the next question.

"Um, would you object to my working?"

"I would insist on it."

Hermione cocked her eyebrow at him. "Insist?"

"The reason Dumbledore has set you up with these options is so that you are relatively free, not wasting away, breeding. He seems to think you might be able to make a valuable contribution to our society, and therefore would be highly disappointed if you chose to laze about doing nothing more meaningful than dusting and producing the next generation of wizards."

"You'd insist that I work, so as not to incur Dumbledore's disappointment?"

"Yes. Next question."

Hermione harumphed, but moved on, though she wasn't satisfied.

"Do you squeeze the toothpaste from the end or the middle?"

Snape looked at her, completely thrown off guard. "What does that have to do with anything? That doesn't deserve an answer."

"The reasoning behind this question, sir, is: firstly- to see how a person reacts to unexpected, though trivial events; secondly- to gauge their sense of humor; and thirdly- to see if they are willing to share and compromise on the little things. Usually it is the little things that cause the biggest fights."

"Small events may spark the big fights, Miss Granger, but usually the underlying cause is much bigger than a misshapen tube of toothpaste."

"So you squeeze from the end, then?"

"Mm." Snape's mouth was twitching again, almost as if he wanted to laugh.

She took that for assent. "That's good. Less waste that way. And that brings me to the next question, which is about personal hygiene."

"I will not answer."

"But it's important."

"How?"

"Smell and touch are two extremely sensitive senses. If you don't like how a person smells or feels, then it will be a constant irritant."

"Then you should ask to smell and touch the person, instead of asking about his hygiene."

"Well, I'd agree about the smelling bit, but if a person has oily skin, that can be easily washed off, leaving little to complain about. Besides health is a factor as well. I would hate to find bugs in the bed."

"So you would want to share a bed with your husband?"

"What? Um, yes, probably. Unless he snores or has other disgusting habits."

"Snoring is usually not a matter of habit."

"You know what I meant."

"Mm." Snape looked thoughtful, but he gave no clue as to what his thoughts were.

"Okay, well then, would you have a mistress?"

Snape looked up sharply, obviously taken by surprise. "What kind of question is that?"

"This is a more or less forced marriage. Love probably won't factor in, and, well, if love isn't there, then fulfilling each other's needs adequately would probably be fairly difficult. Having lovers on the side might make life easier." She adopted an innocent tone trying to coax a little truth out of him.

"I would not share my wife."

"But would you want your wife to share you?"

Snape looked like there was a bad smell in the room as he wrinkled his nose in disgust. "Fidelity is important."

"Forgive me, Professor, but history has shown that what men consider fidelity is often extremely hypocritical. I would want to know up front whether the person in question held with such views."

"I see. But how is that relevant? If a man holds with such views, he is not likely to admit it to his prospective bride. Only a fool would destroy trust before it has been earned."

"So what is your answer?"

"Do you think me a fool, Miss Granger?"

"No."

"Well, then, that is your answer."

XXX

Three hours and thirty questions later found Hermione losing patience with her Potions professor.

"How can you call this test a failure? You said you'd answer those questions you 'deem worthy,' and you've answered nearly every one. If the questions are worthy, how can the test not be?"

"You will not raise your voice to me, Miss Granger, or do I need to remind you that I am still your professor?"

Hermione glared at Snape, but managed to master herself. "Well then, Professor, sir, will you please educate me on this point and answer my question?"

"I'm disappointed in you, Miss Granger, if you cannot answer such a simple question. But you've pleased me by confirming my suspicions that you are not truly intelligent, just adept at memorizing. Too bad you can't learn how to live life from a book, eh, Miss Granger?"

Hermione's eyes stung, but she refused to let Snape see his words affect her. "If you've finished insulting me in such an adolescent manner, I believe I need to be going, unless you are willing to grace me with your superior knowledge of how to live a full and happy life. That or tell me why you think this test is a failure."

Snape's eyes narrowed at her tone and he stood up to loom menacingly over her. "The test is a failure because, although it might tell you whether you can live with the person in relative harmony, it does not tell you whether you will get what you really want from the relationship. I suspect that lack is due to your inability to figure out what it is you actually want from a man."

"Do you really think me a fool, Professor? I know what I want, and I compiled that information and wrote the test accordingly. I didn't write it based on a few inane quizzes in some trashy magazine!"

"Oh, and what do you want from a relationship?"

"I'm disappointed in you, Professor. If you can't figure out the answer to that simple question when all the information has been provided, then you aren't as clever as you are said to be. I'm shocked."

She nearly fainted when the room rang with his deep laugh. When he stopped laughing, he advanced on her slowly, as if he was stalking her. "Although I provided you with your answer, I believe I can answer your question without your assistance," he purred.

"You desire a man who will be honest with you and be able to withstand your blunt personality without cringing. You want him to challenge you, stimulate you, while providing you with an emotional cushion to fall back on. You need a strong man, one who will be nice to you when life throws you down, as it will, and help you get back on your feet.

"You also need a man who will need you in return. Someone who will value the input that you will be always providing, whether asked for or not. You need a man who has enough of a sense of humor to be able to laugh at himself and admit when he's wrong, and make sure you see the humor in your own mistakes."

He was circling her like a vulture, ever closer, and his physical presence, combined with his voice, was making her shiver. He stopped and stood close behind her, and as he spoke in barely a whisper, his breath brushed her ear, making it tingle.

"Your test is a failure, Miss Granger, because I fit most of that description to a tee, and yet I expect that I did not meet with your approval based on the test." He stepped in front of her, and his voice reverted back to his normal sneer. "You failed to take your own superficial nature into consideration." And with that, he turned to leave.

Hermione's shaky voice stopped him before he reached the door when she proclaimed, "Good gods, you're right. You scored even higher than Remus."

Snape turned and looked at Hermione through shuttered eyes.

"Do not mock me, Miss Granger," he said threateningly.

"I'm not, Professor. The test results clearly show you as the most compatible man for me without taking the final test into consideration. I must have forgotten a personality clause somewhere in there. I'll have to look it over tonight and find out where I went wrong." Her eyes scanned the test for clues to her mistake, but kept flicking back to the warm, pale gold of Snape's name, which almost blended into the creamy yellow parchment.

Hermione was so disconcerted by the thought of her test being a failure, that she didn't notice Snape staring at her in consternation until he spoke.

"Final test? I was under the impression that that was the extent of your testing."

"Oh, those who passed the 'written test,' as I've taken to calling it, were subjected to a physical examination."

She smirked at the look of disgusted confusion that overtook his features. It was an unusual sight.

"The exam consists of a kiss," she explained, then laughed as Snape took an involuntary step back with a worried expression on his face, as if the mere thought would give him nightmares.

"I will not kiss you," he stated flatly.

She snorted. "Don't worry, sir. The final test is reserved for only the serious contenders. Since I asked you the questions simply to satisfy your curiosity, and made you answer to satisfy my own, I would not presume to take advantage of your good nature and impose a kiss upon you."

Snape scowled. Hermione smiled.

"Well, sir, if that's all you wanted to see me about, then I really should be going. I need to talk to Dumbledore and clear up a few details before I ask Remus if he's really willing to be my husband." Hermione gathered up her parchments and walked out the door with nary a backward glance, leaving Snape standing in an empty classroom with a confused scowl on his face.