Harry's Tale

Disclaimer: I wish.

Chapter 5: Harry's Tale

When she finally found her way back to the portrait of the Fat Lady, she wearily gave the password, "tootroo," and climbed into the common room. Harry and Ginny were just about to retire to their suite for the night, but one look at Hermione and they changed course.

"What's wrong, Hermione?" Harry asked. "You look like you've just failed a NEWT."

Hermione started to scowl, but then realized Harry knew something about Snape. Maybe this was it.

"Harry, I need to talk to you. Do you have a minute?"

Harry looked at Ginny who nodded, eyes alight with curiosity. "Sure. What's up?"

Hermione looked around. "Let's go somewhere more private," she said, and pulled her friends into her room. Once the door was closed she told them everything, starting with her and Snape's tete-a-tete the evening before in Dumbledore's office, finishing with Snape telling Lupin off.

Ginny was dumbfounded at the revelation. Although he was trying to look astonished, Hermione could tell that Harry wasn't at all surprised.

"Harry, I need to know everything that made you change your mind about Snape."

Harry looked at her for a moment before letting out a breath and nodding.

"It all started when Rookwood threw that curse at you after Voldemort fell. Everyone was really scared that you were going to die. Ron was completely devastated as he carried you back to the castle. The way he looked, well, we thought you were already dead.

"Anyway, I was looking for you at the time," Harry said, turning to Ginny. "I had finished looking in the fields, so I hoped to find you in the hospital wing. I had to stop when I rounded the corner to the hospital's entrance because Ron and Snape were blocking the door having an intense row. They both were so angry that neither noticed I was standing there. Ron was yelling at Snape...

"Just tell me where he is, Snape!"

Snape closed his eyes and nodded. When Ron turned to leave Snape's shoulders sank in failure.

"Ron left in a big hurry, and I went after him. First, I tried to convince him that Snape was right, that it was suicide, but he just brushed me off. Then, I tried to tag along, so that he at least wouldn't be facing Rookwood alone. He wouldn't let me because of Ginny. He knew he was going to die and refused to let me go down with him. He finally had to Stun me to get me off his tail."

"I came to a little later and realized that I never had found you, love." He paused, looking at Ginny with an apologetic smile. She waved off his guilt, so he turned back to Hermione. "When I arrived at the hospital wing I saw Snape sitting at your bedside looking at you. The pain in his face was... It was horrible."

Harry stopped speaking as Hermione sniffled and wiped away her tears with her sleeve.

"Stupid prat," she said softly, then began to cry.

Ginny went and wrapped her arms around Hermione, rocking her soothingly, while Harry looked on with sympathy. After a little bit, Hermione composed herself and looked at Harry accusingly.

"All you told me about Ron's death before was that he died dueling Rookwood. You didn't tell me that he went and offed himself! Did Snape swear you to secrecy, or were you trying to protect me, Harry?"

Harry let out a big sigh. "No, Snape couldn't care less about me witnessing that fight. I didn't tell you because you were so..." He stopped, trying to find the words. "Hermione, you've been the rock for us. Seeing you so fragile brought out the protective prat in me. I thought it would be better for you to find out later. I thought you might shatter with one more blow."

Hermione looked at him and nodded in understanding. She still felt brittle, but she was much stronger now than she had been at first. She motioned for Harry to continue his tale.

"So anyway, I saw Snape sitting there by your bed, but then I saw you, Gin. You looked peaceful enough, so I found Madam Pomfrey and got all the details on your condition. When I found out you were simply exhausted, I think I nearly collapsed with relief. All I wanted was to be by your side when you woke up.

"When I started falling asleep Madam Pomfrey came over and told me my vigil was silly, seeing as you wouldn't be waking up for at least a week. I must have looked stricken, because she then reassured me that it takes longer to recover from magical exhaustion.

"I was tired, so I decided to take her advice. On my way out I noticed that Snape was still there sitting by you, and now he was holding your hand. He didn't even notice when I sat down on the other side of you until I asked how you were.

"He jumped, and when he looked at me, his expression was so hollow it scared me. He didn't respond except to shrug. At that point Madam Pomfrey came over and shooed me off for the night.

"When I went to the hospital the next day to look after the two of you, Professor Dumbledore met me on the way and told me Ron was missing. He had last been seen in Penzance.

"I asked after you, and Dumbledore just looked grave and shook his head and sighed. I went in to check on you and noticed Snape wasn't there anymore. After making sure you were still sleeping peacefully, I found Madam Pomfrey again to get filled in on your condition," said Harry, as he looked from his wife to his friend.

"She said that you were in dire straits. She had sent Professor Snape off to brew a batch of Phoenix Fire. She said it was your last hope.

"I couldn't stand just sitting there, waiting. You know me; I need to be doing something, so I headed down to the dungeons to see if I could help.

"I stuck my head in his office and asked, "Professor Snape, is there anything I can do to help? Madam Pomfrey told me you're brewing Phoenix Fire for Hermione."

He was still for a moment, then nodded and pointed to a pile of ingredients on the table. "Slice the hemlock lengthwise, paper thin, and immediately put a stasis charm on it. Then grind the pile of lacewing to a fine powder."

"He left it at that. No snide remarks, no patronizing, no sneering. It was weird. After about an hour, I was finishing up, and he gave me a rose crystal phial and asked me to collect two tears from Fawkes, and ask for a tail feather.

On my way out, he added, "Ask nicely, Potter. Her life may depend on good will alone."

"Fawkes gave me the tears and feather almost before I asked, as if he was expecting it. Dumbledore probably warned him. Anyway, Snape and I continued working on the potion. He didn't talk to me. He certainly didn't offer any comfort, but he let me be there doing something, instead of sitting in the hospital wing fretting over the two of you.

"It took a week, but finally it was done. We took it up to Madam Pomfrey who gave it to you and told us not to expect results for at least a few hours.

"I don't know why I followed Snape back to the dungeons to wait. But I did, and he let me. He closed the office door behind me, told me to sit, then conjured up two glasses and offered me a drink. I accepted, just to be polite. After two shots he started talking.

"Potter, do you know why this potion is a last resort?" he asked wearily, as if it didn't really matter anyway.

He looked at me as if surprised. "Yes. The phoenix is a symbol of the eternal cycle of life, Potter. Hemlock produces death, which is an essential part of the cycle. 'The potion is used sparingly because it can go either way. It could yield a miraculous recovery in Miss Granger, or it could kill her. Only time will tell."

"He looked at me with pity, and, well... Everything that had happened over the past week, from the killing fields to Ron's suicide mission... I just snapped when Snape, of all people, pitied me.

"I yelled at him and threw a few things around, but he just sat there and let me continue. He didn't even move, except to shield himself from the occasional shard. Finally, when I had worn myself out, he looked at me and ordered me to sit."

Harry adopted his best Snape impersonation and quoted from memory: "The only reason I have not protested your abysmal behavior, Potter, is because last week you released me from a bitter servitude. We are now even on that count. However, I feel... compelled... to offer you an apology for other circumstances. I am responsible for very possibly condemning both your friends to death. Your friend, Weasley, is missing because of information I gave him."

Harry dropped the act, along with his shoulders, as he continued. "He sucked in a breath as if expecting me to explode again, but I just nodded.

"He looked at me and blinked. He then released his breath and poured me another drink.

"If Miss Granger dies, you need not forgive me. I will understand."

"'Sir,' I told him, 'you have done your best to help both of them. If Hermione dies, the fault lies solely with Rookwood.' He just looked at me again as if reassessing me and refilled our glasses yet again.

"We sat there drinking in silence for a couple of hours, then Dumbledore came in, and I stood up. I think Snape was too drunk to stand up, though he did sit straighter. As I was standing, I caught a look of dread on Snape's face.

"Dumbledore did look grim. He told us first about Ron, how his body had been found on a beach somewhere out west, and that Rookwood's body was recovered outside of Cornwall. It was strange that although the news hurt, I just felt numb. I guess it was because I had already given up on Ron surviving. Ron had already given up.

"Then Dumbledore smiled thinly and told us that you were recovering. That made me collapse back into the chair and close my eyes in relief. When I looked around again I saw Snape across the desk from me, his head in his hands, shaking slightly. I'm not sure, but I think he might have been crying.

"I turned to thank Dumbledore, but he had left already. By the time I looked back at Snape, he was sitting up straight with that sneer back in place. I thought that might be a good time to leave, but Snape stopped me.

"Mr. Potter, I do not know, nor do I wish to know, what you think of me based upon my behavior over the last week. I ask that you keep any conclusions you have drawn to yourself."

"I stared at him. He was actually asking me to not say anything. Not demanding. I got the feeling that by killing Voldemort, all bets were off. Snape was being almost decent to me and without any threat from Dumbledore.

"I agreed, of course, and got up to go. When I looked back, he was staring into the fireplace with a melancholy expression on his face."

Harry finished his story and looked at Hermione expectantly. She was nearly breathless with shock and just sat there in a daze.

"Do you think he loves me?" Hermione finally asked, not sure she wanted to believe the story.

"I promised him I wouldn't discuss my conclusions," Harry said with a smirk.

"Of course he loves you!" Ginny exclaimed. "Oh my god, that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard... Loving you from afar, trying to stop Ron from killing himself to keep you from pain, then calling a truce with his enemy to help make you better? Ah!" Ginny cried, feigning a swoon onto the bed. Both Harry and Hermione laughed.

"Yes, well, we don't know whether it was Ron or me he was doing everything for, though." Hermione said.

"What do you mean?" Ginny looked at Hermione as if she were crazy. "I think both your stories confirm that he's in love with you."

"Maybe he was in love with Ron, not me. He's 'looking out for me' because his love asked him to," she offered, completely deadpan.

She couldn't keep from laughing as a look of puzzlement, and then disgust slowly overtook Ginny's face.

As her giggles subsided, Hermione let out a sigh. "Oh, Ginny, it's really rather sad. It would be terribly romantic if I loved him back, but I don't even like him. He's mean, sarcastic, cruel and judgmental. I won't call him cold hearted anymore, but he sure gives a good impression of it.

"If it turned out that Snape's in love with me, and I chose him it would almost certainly end badly. He'd be in love with me, and there I would be, wondering if I'd ever be able to learn to love him. If I never returned his feelings, it would cut him and he'd grow bitter. Okay, even more bitter. He'd hate and curse me for ever imposing myself on him.

"As it stands, I think I'd be better off with Lupin. He might not love me, or even be capable of loving me, but he is my friend. I'll be going into the relationship knowing that, so I won't be disappointed."

Harry and Ginny both looked dumbly at Hermione before Ginny slowly said, "Are you sure you couldn't learn to love Snape? And are you sure you wouldn't become bitterly disappointed in a marriage of convenience with Lupin? If he never learns to love you..."

Hermione frowned. "I don't know. I haven't told Remus yet of my decision, and what with all this new information, I think I need to think it out a bit more."

Harry and Ginny exchanged worried looks.

"Well," Harry said, "If you want to talk about it some more, you know we're here for you, right? And remember, you have until Friday to make your decision. No need to rush it."

Hermione laughed. "It seems ironic for you to tell me to be cautious, Harry. Don't worry, I'm not going to rush into anything."

And with that, she said goodnight, and sent them on their way.

XXX

Hermione tried to sleep after Harry and Ginny left that night, but her mind kept its furious pace going long after she extinguished the lights.

Did Snape love her? Was it possible that everything he had said to her over the past few years, all the names he had called her, and all the harsh criticisms he had offered, were given from love?

She snorted. If anything, if he did love her, then his behavior was certainly well modified to prevent anyone, including her, from figuring out his feelings.

There had to be another explanation for his behavior. It was silly to think that he might have loved Ron, but maybe that life debt had influenced him. After all, he never confirmed that he loved her. He had snaked through that conversation admitting nothing beyond a grudging respect for her.

Even though he had tried his best to keep Ron from going on that foolish mission, he probably blamed himself for Ron's death. That would add potency to any promise made to Ron. Snape's heart might be a craggy rock, but he did have a sense of honour.

That made sense to Hermione. Snape trying to protect her because he loved her was too improbable, whereas Snape protecting her because of an overzealous sense of honour borne from a life debt made perfect sense. He hated Harry, and yet he had saved him several times for the same reason. That was only logical.

With those thoughts supposedly resolved, Hermione finally drifted off into a restless sleep

AN: So, yeah, the angst-fest has started. You have been warned.