Realization

Disclaimer: Yeah, right.

AN: Thanks to my betas. Any mistakes you see are mine and mine alone.

Chapter 6: Rationalization

She stood at the altar in her white dress, holding the bouquet with steady hands. Everyone was watching, and she felt good knowing that she looked good. Her hair had been twisted up into an elegant bun, exposing her slim neck, save for a few tendrils that tickled her in the breeze.

In the background she could hear the uncomfortable rustlings of the witnesses. There were so many of them. She knew most of the people in the chapel were more than a little shocked to see her walk up the aisle and she wondered how they would treat her when she returned to her classes. She also wondered how Remus would treat her as his wife. Not liking where her thoughts were headed, she gave all her attention to the elderly man before her to take her mind off the doubts creeping in.

"And do you, Hermione, take this man to be your husband and life mate, forever bound with honest hearts to one another until death do you part?" Dumbledore smiled kindly at her, the twinkle in his eye shining of its own accord.

"I do."

"Remus, you may eat your bride."

Hermione turned to see the man she married had been replaced by a snarling wolf with glowing yellow eyes. He advanced slowly, a growl coming from deep within his chest. She realized his growls were forming words.

"I did try to warn you, love. You asked for this." He then crouched and lunged at her heart.

She woke up screaming, covered in sweat.

XXX

Thursday

After splashing her face with cold water, she looked out the window. She could see the beginnings of dawn, which meant that she had only been asleep for a couple of hours. She briefly thought of going back to bed, then looked at her twisted sheets, and the damp patch where her body had been, and shivered, turning back to the peaceful view outside.

That nightmare gave her pause. She knew that living with a werewolf was dangerous; they would have to be constantly vigilant about her safety. The dream seemed to be telling her to be wary of more than just the physical threat, however. She had never given much stock in the use of dreams in divination, but she did believe they could offer insight and guidance in one's life. The fact that Lupin the Werewolf went for her heart, not her exposed throat, seemed very significant. She just didn't understand why.

Her mind was reeling in an unfocused way, keeping her off balance. She swayed as she tried to organize her thoughts, to confine them to her current problem. Eventually her mind quieted down as it kept returning to the center thought, like a whirlpool draining the confusion. Did Snape love her?

Why was she so concerned about his feelings for her? Wasn't Lupin a better choice in almost every way than the caustic Potions master? What kind of life would she have if she chose Snape?

If he loved her then it might be all right at first. She couldn't imagine him being romantic in any sense. Bringing her flowers or reading her poetry would not be his way of expressing affection.

How would he express himself, though? If he hadn't figured it out already, he would quickly find that her passion was for learning, for being the insufferable know-it-all, though she hated him for that comment. Maybe he would offer her knowledge? Give her some books to read? She could imagine that conversations with him as an equal could be very exciting and stimulating. He was brilliant, no doubt about that. He would challenge her to be her intellectual best and would accept no less. He could offer her the support needed to explore her passion thoroughly.

He could offer his respect.

But that was only if he did love her. Even if that were the case, would it be enough? She tried to think of kissing him, and couldn't get past his teeth. Those big, yellow, crooked teeth. Her parents would think she was finally rebelling. She tried again, and found herself giggling. She couldn't wrap her mind around the thought of him as anything other than her teacher.

Yes, she knew that he was a man, but that didn't help her. Granted, she had found some of her teachers to be attractive through the years, but she felt a mild revulsion when she thought of having anything other than a professional relationship with them in reality.

What if he didn't love her? What if he just felt honour-bound to protect her, even if that meant marrying her to keep her safe from Lupin and the law? How would he treat her then? Would he continue to treat her as he did, with cold indifference at best, scathing remarks at worst? He surely couldn't help but resent her for interfering in his life, and forcing the responsibility of another person on him. He wasn't a nice person, and she could easily imagine him becoming toxic to anyone he resented. She doubted even he would sink so low as to be physically abusive, but she suspected he would have far more insidious ways of destroying her spirit.

Hermione heaved a rather large sigh. The only thing for it was to ask him. She did not relish the thought of asking Professor Snape, of all people, about his feelings, but she couldn't think of any other way to clarify the situation. Even Dumbledore hadn't known what Snape felt, so she imagined it would be useless to ask anyone other than the snake himself.

She dressed slowly, thinking through the upcoming conversation as much as she could. Although she was certain that he would not physically harm her for asking him a few questions, she had no doubt that he could easily make her life hell at any opportunity thereafter if he so wished. And he would have so many opportunities: his classes, mealtimes, and any gatherings involving teachers and prefects - and head girls.

Maybe it would be better if she just assumed he didn't care at all and live the rest of her life with Remus. The image of the werewolf baring his teeth flashed through her mind, making her shiver. She swallowed hard, took in a fortifying breath, and forced herself to make her way down to the dungeons, a look of grim determination on her face.

XXX

She knocked on the door of Professor Snape's office, half hoping he wasn't in. A grumpy voice called out 'Enter' and caused her to cast that hope aside. She sucked in her breath for courage, and opened the door.

He was sitting at his desk, head bent over a pile of essays that he was marking with a frown. He didn't look up as he said, clearly annoyed, "State your business."

"Er, Professor Snape, sir, I was wondering if I could have a word with you?" Hermione was surprised she had managed to speak with a clear voice, as if she weren't scared at all.

He looked up sharply, obviously surprised, but schooled his expression quickly into his normal sneer.

"Very well, Miss Granger. And what is that word?"

Hermione was taken aback. Was he seriously expecting only one word, or was he actually joking? Either option was daunting. Deciding to take him seriously, if only to play his game, she considered her word choice carefully.

"Love."

She almost laughed at the look on his face. For a single second his eyes became large, revealing nearly all of his dark irises, a look of panic flitting through them as his eyelid twitched. At the same time his mouth relaxed into a sagging position, while his nose flared. The expression disappeared almost before she had time to register it.

"Excuse me?" His voice was hard, no sign of surprise anywhere.

"Love," she said again, a little confidence returning, having seen him so discomfited.

"Do not mock me, Miss Granger," he said in tones usually reserved for Harry. "Explain yourself."

"I wasn't mocking you, sir. I apologize if it came across that way. I just wasn't sure whether you were serious about using only one word or not, so I decided to err on the side of caution. I didn't mean to offend you," she said solicitously, trying to calm him so there might be some chance he'd refrain from hexing her before the conversation was through.

"Very well," he said, slightly mollified. "So what is the meaning behind your word?"

"I, er," she faltered, not knowing where to start anymore. She figured she might as well reveal all, if only for the sake of honesty.

"Last night I went to see Lupin to tell him of my decision, but when I arrived in his corridor I, er, overheard you two talking." She winced at the face he made as his lips contorted into a weird grimace. He was obviously trying to control himself, and she hoped he would wait to explode until after she left.

"And, pray tell, what did you overhear?" His voice was dangerous, but controlled. So far, so good.

"Er, enough to confuse me, sir. I came down here to ask you what feelings, if any, you might have for me."

He raised an eyebrow at her. "Why do you wish to know? And are you sure you want to know them? Most people do not want to hear what others honestly think of them, especially if that honesty is coming from the Greasy Bat."

"Greasy Git, sir," she corrected unconsciously. Realizing what she had just said, her first impulse was to apologize profusely, but she quickly figured there was no saving the situation now, so she decided to instead plunge into her stupidity. "Or the Big Bat. Mixing the metaphors like that leads to a much more disgusting insult than you deserve, sir."

"Pray tell," he purred, his voice barely above a whisper, "how much of an insult do I deserve, Miss Granger?"

She swallowed the urge to prostrate herself before him in humble apology. "It would depend on who you spoke to, sir."

"I see. And if I were speaking to you?"

"Then you would be disappointed. I try to refrain from insulting teachers, Professor."

"Even those whom you despise?"

Hermione bit her lip. Had she ever called Umbridge names where Snape could have overheard her? Did it matter? She might as well be completely honest with him, especially if she wanted honesty from him. Assuming, of course, that he didn't throw her out of his office in the next five seconds.

"Well, I must admit that I have indulged in making disparaging remarks about one teacher, but it was well deserved, sir. Besides, I was always respectful when talking to her."

Snape looked at her, his fingers steepled in front of his mouth. After a few moments of observation he said, "Always, Miss Granger?"

"As far as I can remember, sir. However, my mind may have erased any indiscretions from my memory to prevent me from reliving them in my dreams. I would never want to wake up from such a pleasant dream."

He quirked an eyebrow at her, while his mouth twitched. "I believe you aren't being quite honest, Miss Granger. I assume you were speaking of that Umbridge woman, am I correct?" Hermione nodded. "Well, then, it seems your memory may be worse than you know as Sibyl has frequently brought up how you paid her no respect in front of her entire class, repeatedly."

"Oops. I did forget about that." Hermione sighed. "Well, she deserved it also, trying to use fear to manipulate her classes into believing her asinine predictions. It was pathetic."

"I use fear to manipulate my classes as well, or have you not noticed?"

"Yes, well, you do it successfully, sir! It's really quite impressive the way you can control your classes with a simple sneer." Hermione shook her head and chuckled. "Poor Neville."

"So you approve of fear as a control method, as long as it is used successfully?"

Hermione paused. "No, sir, but at least you are competent enough not to inspire hysteria. You always have complete control and so we all, even Neville, know that no real harm will come to us in your class. The worst you will do is humiliate and demean us, which we will probably survive." She paused, pondering. "After much psychotherapy, of course."

Snape snorted at that.. "And you are willing to subject yourself to such humiliation as I can deliver when I answer your question, because you will probably survive? Are you sure you are prepared, Miss Granger for the brunt of my personal opinion?"

"Yes sir."

"Why?"

She gulped. She could guess what was coming, so she steeled herself for the onslaught.

"I have insatiable curiosity, sir?" she said uncertainly.

He looked at her, and she thought she could see some sort of internal conflict going on behind his eyes. The rest of his face, however, was completely blank, devoid of any feeling whatsoever.

"And what will you give me if I satisfy your curiosity?"

She thought about it seriously. She figured it would sound pretty arrogant to say, "A shot at being my husband," especially because she didn't know whether he wanted that chance or not. She didn't trust him enough to generously offer whatever he wanted, so she decided to be coy.

"What would you like, sir?"

He looked at her, a thoughtful expression on his features, as if going through all the possibilities. She guessed he was figuring out what he could reasonably ask without being refused, while making it as harsh for her as possible. She could just imagine all the tortures and humiliations he could put her though as her penance for being around him for seven long years. He seemed to confirm her suspicions when he chuckled ominously.

"I will tell you how I feel about you, Miss Granger, if you first tell me what you expect to hear, and also what you want to hear."

Hermione pursed her lips in disapproval. She knew that he could use this against her very easily, and that her answer would probably influence his answer, so she wouldn't even get the truth. If she asked for his opinion written down first, before she gave her answer then he wouldn't have the chance to alter his answer in response to her answer. However, that request would make him suspicious, and probably alter his answer in yet another way. The worst part was that she knew he knew this was what she would think.

He was playing head games with her. Didn't he say that he wouldn't play games with her? No, he told Lupin he wouldn't tolerate Lupin playing games with her heart or mind. Sneaky bastard. He knew how to leave himself completely protected whilst conversing.

"I will answer the second part, but not the first." She grinned internally. She had no idea what she wanted to hear, and so the easy answer was simply, "I don't know." That would infuriate him, but it would be the truth. He could even give her Veritaserum if he desired, for she knew that would still be the answer. She hoped he would accept the bargain.

"I don't agree to that. It's all or nothing, Miss Granger, so it seems you will remain unsatisfied."

Hermione growled in frustration. "Professor, do you understand, or rather, do you even..." A light went on in Hermione's head. He might understand, but quite possibly didn't care that this was her life, her happiness, on the line. He couldn't care if he was content to just play mind games with her at every opportunity. "No, you don't," she said, answering her question for him, not letting him in on the conversation.

She stood up and looked at Snape. He was looking at her with one eyebrow cocked and a smug expression on his face, as if he had finally succeeded in breaking her. Well, she would have none of that. She would not allow herself to suffer such humiliation willingly.

She suddenly realized she was disappointed. She had hoped that he did care. She still wanted his respect, and would have treasured it if he had deigned to bestow it, but it was now obvious that such desires would never be fulfilled. He would never respect her or care for her enough to be nice. She couldn't imagine living with anyone who couldn't show her the respect she deserved.

"Thank you for answering my question, Professor. You've made it abundantly clear that you care just enough to toss me to the wolves. I expect your conversation with Remus was just to get his hackles up because that's what you do, and I must say Professor, you do it very well indeed.

"I now must tell Remus of my decision. Good day, Professor." With that, she stormed out of his office.

She diverted her path from the Great Hall and breakfast when she realized that the tears pricking her eyes were not going to be blinked back, heading instead to her room for a quick cry before class.