The Decision

Disclaimer: Not mine.

AN: Sorry for the wait, and sorry for the upcoming wait. *sheepish grin* Thank you all so much for the reviews, by the way. You make me smile hugely. Lots of chocolate to all.

Chapter 7: The Decision

Hermione was glad it was so early in the day, as no one was around to see her as she sniffled and wiped away errant tears. As it was, she barely made it to her bedroom before she was overcome with wracking sobs. She fell on her bed, trying to calm herself, not knowing why she was in such a state. She didn't even like the bastard.

She was soon cried out, and she curled in on herself for comfort. Crookshanks bounded onto the bed and forced his head under her hand, eliciting a small laugh from Hermione.

"You're really something, Crookshanks, wanting attention while I'm in distress," she said, knowing that it was just as much for her sake as it was for his. He purred contentedly by her side.

"The thing is, Crooks, I don't understand why I'm so upset. Yes, this is a rough situation to be put in, but no worse than battling Voldemort. I mean, at least I can be sure that I'll be alive the day after I get married, even if it isn't to someone I love." She looked down at the purring cat and wondered what she should do.

"That nightmare was horrible. It really was. And it was so vivid. I can still see the light glistening on Lupin's teeth as he lunged at me. I know Remus would never dream of hurting me. He would do his best to keep me from any situation where I might get hurt, so I don't understand what the dream was telling me." She drew a shuddering breath, trying to concentrate. "Is he going to figuratively rip my heart out? And if so, how would he do that if we don't love each other? Kind of hard to play that game without emotion.

"Then again, maybe the dream was telling me that I would fall in love with him, and he would do something to break my heart. I can't see Remus doing anything to hurt me in any way, though, unlike Snape.

"I wouldn't put anything past Snape, considering how he's treated me the last couple of days. He's insulted my intelligence, implied I'm unattractive, and shown a general disdain for my person. He doesn't like me, and that's that." She heaved a large sigh, and looked down at her cat. "Even if he does love me, how can he expect me to return his love if he treats me so shoddily? I just can't see how things would end happily with that man."

Hermione thought back to her last encounter with Snape. He hadn't yelled at her, that was true, even though she was certain he'd been fuming inside. He hadn't even insulted her, in an outright manner. He just implied that she didn't matter at all, that she was a mildly interesting diversion - something to play with before discarding. Maybe her inference was incorrect, and he was simply trying to be playful, but this was too serious a situation for her to play at. He might not think it warranted such high emotion, but her life was on the line, wasn't it?

"Oh, Crookshanks, I don't know what to do. I know that I would love to confront Snape and tell him what a bastard he is for playing with me, but since I would like to continue to learn from him with only a minimum of hassle, I think I'll keep those feelings to myself, for the while.

"If only I hadn't had that dream. Everything would be so simple. I would go talk with Remus, we'd get engaged, married and probably be happy, if romantically stilted, for a long, long time. But no, my subconscious had to send me a warning of some sort. I wouldn't even be thinking of Snape if I hadn't had that dream."

Crookshanks raised his head at that, and looked at her. She looked back, and eventually got the message he seemed to be sending her.

"Okay, fine. I would have eventually wondered 'what if,' but I definitely wouldn't be crying over his damnable attitude." She sighed again. "Oh, for Heaven's sake, why him?"

Another sigh saw her off the bed and she gathered her supplies for the morning. She was glad she would have classes to take her mind off her problems for the rest of the day.

XXX

She managed to avoid Snape for the rest of the day. He wasn't in the Great Hall when she arrived for breakfast, and thankfully she didn't have Potions that day. Between classes she met with the teachers whose classes she had missed the day before to get her make-up work, except for Potions; she figured that could wait until the next class. All in all, she had avoided him most efficiently.

By the time her final class had finished, she realized that although she was still two weeks ahead in all her classes, the review time she had missed would set her behind for at least two evenings that week, and that was without the crush of her upcoming wedding. She was quickly becoming convinced that not only was The Bill a nefarious plot of the remaining Death Eaters to keep up the pureblood supremacy, but it was also deliberately timed to interfere with her studying schedule, so as to reduce her NEWT scores.

She'd show them. She would still best any and every pureblood score out there, even if it meant she died the day after exams finished. Speaking of dying, she still needed to see Remus and talk about their wedding. She only hoped that he would still agree to marry her after she told him of her nightmare. Hopefully he thought Divination warranted as much attention as she did.

She made her way to the foreign corridor after dropping off her books late that afternoon, but it was still getting on in the evening. The corridor looked much less forbidding than it did at night, as the sinking sun shone through the arrow slits lining the wall, streaking the hallway with warm, white stripes.

Finding the statue of Wendelin, who gave her a wink and another giggle, Hermione stood in front of Remus' door, outlining in her mind what she needed answers to. She didn't want to demand too much from him, for her own selfish reasons, as well as his deserving more respect.

She knocked gently, hoping the door was bewitched to amplify the sound. After a few moments, she raised her fist to knock again, when the door opened revealing an expectant Remus Lupin.

"Hermione! I wasn't... I didn't... I mean, it's nice to see you again." The man was obviously flustered.

"Remus, surely you don't think me capable of just leaving you hanging in suspense? Or were you hoping that?" She narrowed her eyes at him, acting as if she was suddenly suspicious of his intentions.

"I just wasn't expecting you right now. I figured you would take the entire week to decide. Forgive my rudeness?" He flashed her a self-deprecating smile and put his hands on his heart playfully.

She giggled. "Of course you're forgiven. It wouldn't do to start off a lifelong relationship with me fuming at your etiquette, now would it?"

The warmth in Remus' eyes flickered, but his smile stayed in place. "No, it most certainly wouldn't do. But, where are my manners? Please, come in." He opened the door and waved her inside with a sweep of his arm. He graciously led her to the settee.

"So, you've decided, have you?"

"Actually, no, I haven't. I wanted to talk with you about... something." Hermione looked around the room to keep herself from looking down at her hands, which she was clutching nervously. She had to tell him that she'd overheard the conversation. Remus waited patiently for her to begin, curiosity written across his benign face.

"Nice room," she stalled. "What is this place? I've never seen it before."

Remus smiled, relaxing slightly at the neutral topic. "It's called the X wing-" He broke off his explanation when Hermione started snickering.

"There isn't a Y-wing, is there?" she asked, in between giggles.

"Not that I know of. Why?" He was looking at her with curiosity.

"I'm sorry, Remus. There's a Muggle movie with X- and Y-wing spaceships in it. I was momentarily distracted..."

Hermione bit back her giggles and invited Remus to continue. "So this X wing, I'm guessing it's because X marks the spot?"

He laughed gently. "Yes, in a manner of speaking; you can't find it without the map being figuratively given to you. It's also because it's unknown, unplotted territory." She looked at him, slightly confused.

"But Hogwarts is already unplottable."

"Yes, but Hogwarts itself is not inviolable. This wing was designed to be a very secure place for visiting officials and dignitaries. Voldemort was not the first, nor will he be the last, wizard to cause a long standing war. Hogwarts has almost always been a safe haven, but no place is completely impenetrable, especially if the enemy is already inside. This wing provides a safe house within the castle walls.

"From what I know, it's been used as both VIP quarters and as a prison ward in the past. All it takes is a slight change in the invocation to change its purpose. Either way it's extremely difficult to locate.

"You can only find this wing if you possess all the keys. First, you have to know that the person resides here, then you have to be known and invited to it by a combination of people, including the resident, and finally, the wards that surround the wing only allow those who seek with good intent through. I think there's more to it than that, but I'm afraid I'm not an expert on the subject."

"So I found this place because I was looking for you, and I've been put on the invitation list?"

"And you're not out to cause me harm, yes."

"Well, it must be nice to know that any guests you have don't wish you ill." He smiled indulgently at her and she smiled back, then sighed. She knew it was time to bring up her reason for visiting.

"I have something to confess," Hermione started. "I was going to talk with you last night, but when I got here, I overheard you and Severus talking."

Remus started, and a hard look came into his face for moment, before being replaced by his usual sympathetic demeanor. "Oh? Did you hear anything good?" he asked jokingly.

"Er, you could say that, I suppose. What I heard made me think that Sev, er, Professor Snape might have feelings for me. I talked with him earlier today and confirmed that's as ridiculous an idea as it sounds. We didn't really get into it, but I suspect he was just playing the overprotective guardian in lieu of Ron."

"If he doesn't love you, why would he bother taking on that role?"

"Because of a life debt and a promise. It doesn't really matter, and I don't think I can explain if you don't know anything more about it." Hermione sighed, wondering how to broach the topic she really wanted to talk about.

"Did Snape say anything to you about what was said?" Lupin asked casually.

"No, nothing at all. However, I also had a nightmare last night, which was why I talked with Professor Snape in the first place. I didn't tell him about it, but the dream scared me enough for me to grasp at straws." Hermione laughed at herself quietly, then described her dream to Remus.

"Do you know why I might have dreamt that? I know you don't love me, and that doesn't bother me too much." She noticed Remus tense up. "I don't think you would ever hurt me, Remus."

He slowly began to speak: "Although you're right in that I'm not in love with you, I do care for you Hermione, and I would never hurt you if I could help it. That said, I should have told you yesterday that I don't think I will ever fall in love with you in a romantic way. That does not mean I don't respect you enough to want to save you from this situation, though." Remus sighed, his shoulders slumping giving him a defeated look.

"I was wrong to withhold information from you yesterday. I'm glad you told me about your eavesdropping, because it gives me a second chance to tell you something you won't like. It really is better that you know everything before you make your decision. I would hate myself later if you made this decision uninformed."

He took a deep breath, steeling himself to reveal unpleasant truths. Hermione wasn't sure she wanted to know what he was so reluctant to relate, but at the same time she knew it would be better to be forewarned. He was still her only viable option.

"I've been having an affair of sorts with a married witch for about fifteen years now." Hermione's jaw dropped at the thought of good, kind Lupin doing anything as wrong as adultery.

"I met her before she was married," Lupin continued, seemingly unaware of Hermione's shock. "I was just out of school and doing a reconnaissance mission for the Order in West Germany. I stayed at an inn her father ran one night and met her at the bar where she was working. She was a couple of years younger than I was, but I fell head over heels in love with her. She was smart, beautiful and so... innocent. I stayed at the inn for longer than was really necessary, and I'm sure her father noticed. I don't think he was displeased either, until I told her what I was. She was terrified, and rightfully so. The Wolfsbane potion hadn't been developed yet, so I was still an uncontrolled monster once a month. She probably told one of her parents, because soon after it was made abundantly clear that I was not welcome there anymore.

"I left, but I wrote to her every chance I got. I told her I understood that she would never want to be with me, but that I would love her anyway. After a few weeks, she wrote back. She told me that her father had intercepted all my letters until she had arrived back at school that week. She apologized for her reaction and asked for my forgiveness." Remus shook his head at the thought, as if he still found it hard to believe. "She told me she loved me soon after. We secretly arranged to meet during her holidays, but somehow her father found out. He wrote me a threatening letter, telling me precisely where he'd send me if I ever came within a hundred miles of her." He sighed heavily.

"I didn't listen to him, and neither did she, but somehow he found out. He probably cast a locating charm on her. We did manage to see each other, but only once. I didn't have the nerve to propose right then, especially because I knew it was too dangerous at that point. I couldn't stand the thought of any harm coming to her. I also didn't know what a close eye her father was keeping on her.

"Her next letter informed me that she was engaged. Her father had arranged a marriage for her, to keep her away from me.

"I was bitterly disappointed, but figured it would be for the best. I told her I would always love her, but wished her luck. She got the hint that I wasn't going to rescue her, and capitulated. I didn't get another letter from her.

"Then, a couple years after Voldemort's first fall, I ran into her, literally. I was visiting a friend in Wales, when we collided in the middle of her village square. We ended up in her kitchen, discussing our lives. She told me she wasn't miserable, but that her heart belonged to me. Only then did I realize that I had made the biggest mistake in my life. I hadn't known she had pledged herself to me. If I had, I would have rescued her rather than leave her in a loveless marriage."

"I don't understand. Why would it have to be loveless?" Hermione asked.

"She had magically bound her heart to mine. It's an illegal spell that's rarely done without the other person's knowledge, though it doesn't require it. The thing is, it's irrevocable. I had known she loved me, but to pledge her heart to me..." He shook his head in disbelief. "She said she did it after our Christmas meeting, when she was sure that I loved her. She became engaged before she had a chance to tell me, or her father, and decided it was pointless to tell anyone if I wasn't going to fight for her.

"When she first told me, I was mortified. I was ashamed of how I'd just given up on her, though she had come to accept why I had done so. Unfortunately, there was nothing I could do. I wouldn't cuckold another man, even if it was for her. She didn't ask anything of me, though. That was what did me in. After some soul searching, I decided to pledge my heart to her in return. It was only fair."

Hermione stared at her former professor, hoping she didn't understand the situation correctly. "So, when you say you'll never fall in love with me..." She faded out, not able to finish.

"It's because I'm in love with another woman, and will be for the rest of my life. I'm sorry I didn't tell you about this earlier, Hermione. You deserved to know upfront. That is why choosing me is choosing a very difficult life. I can promise you that I will be faithful, if you ask it, but I can also promise you that no matter how much either of us might wish it otherwise, my heart belongs to her."

Hermione looked at her hands. She could feel her eyes starting to ache with the need to cry, but she didn't really want to reveal to Remus that she was upset. Her mind moved sluggishly from point to point. She just couldn't figure out what was the best course for her to take. A little belatedly she realized Remus was talking again.

"...and if there's a chance he loves you, then do yourself a favor and choose him. A life without hope for love is a bleak life. You deserve more."

Hermione looked up at him with her mind made up. Her face was devoid of emotion, and color. With a look in her eye most people would have called mature, though wiser people would call hopeless, she spoke, her voice clear and firm.

"Thank you for telling me the truth, Remus. I'm sure that was what my nightmare was trying to warn me about.

"I know you're a kind and generous person, and even if it is just a marriage of convenience, I still choose you. I'm sure we can come to some sort of arrangement where we'll both be as happy as we can be, and I know you, as opposed to Severus, will treat me decently."

Remus looked at her sadly. "Are you sure Hermione? There's no turning back once the marriage is finalized. What about the other people you interviewed? Kingsley might-"

"I'm as sure as I can be, Remus. The other people I interviewed would be as bad, if not worse. At least with you there's a bit of a spark, and we get along personality-wise." She sighed, her calm facade almost breaking for a second. "If I had years to go about this then I would never..." She sighed. "I would make mistakes anyway, and this way I know it's a mistake, but I really believe it's the lesser of all the evils, so to speak."

Remus frowned, but couldn't refute her. "Are you sure Severus wasn't just being coy? He's a slippery man, and I would never recommend him if he hadn't practically declared his love for you last night."

"But he never did declare it. Not that I would expect a man like him to, but I would expect him to at least be respectful to me. He hasn't been. You're it, Remus. It's you or some random Muggle I'll pick up in a bar," she said with a wan smile.

"Then it might as well be me. I'm sorry Hermione."

"I'm sorry, too. I hope it will work out." She gave him a sad smile.

Remus suddenly raised his head, as if remembering something important. He got up and offered Hermione his hand. "Well, I suppose you should go announce it to Professor Dumbledore now. I'm sure he'll be relieved to know we've reached a decision."

Hermione got up, gave Remus a quick peck on the cheek, then headed out, only barely registering how agitated he had become.

XXX

Hermione found her way to the headmaster's office easily enough, though she realized belatedly that he was probably still at dinner.

"Mars bars," she muttered to the gargoyle, but it stayed where it was. "Mars bars!" She was pretty sure she remembered the passwords for that week, and today's was definitely supposed to be "Mars bars," yet the statue remained where it was. She went through the retinue of the month's passwords before it occurred to her that the gargoyle might not move aside if Dumbledore wasn't in residence. It certainly would be a smart move to protect his office from intrusion. Fifth year came to mind, and Hermione smirked at the memory of Dolores Umbridge's attempts to enter during Dumbledore's absence. She couldn't help the snicker that escaped.

"And what do you find so amusing now?" a deep voice purred in her ear.

She whirled around to face Snape, who was standing much too close for her comfort. As she backed up a step, she wondered about his expectant expression. What could he possibly want? Then she realized he had asked a question.

"Oh, didn't you know, I found marital bliss." She looked away from him, not wanting to see his trademark sneer. "Or at least, something that will pass for it on Sunday." Her tone was more bitter than she would have liked, but his close presence was bothering her.

He didn't make any response, nor did he move. She set her mouth in a hard line and forced herself to look up at him. He was just standing there, in her personal space, looking down at her with complete indifference. It rankled her nerves even more.

"Professor, I suggest you move a bit. Your stance could be seen as highly inappropriate towards a female student. Threatening, even."

Snape narrowed his eyes at her thinly veiled threat, but moved back a step all the same.

"I guess I should offer you my congratulations, then, Miss Granger. I assume the werewolf is your intended?" He went on before she could nod. "I hope for your sake that your fiancé survives the experiments on his potion completely intact. I would hate to deprive you of any bliss."

"Why, thank you for your concern, Professor." Hermione's tone was less than gracious. She then processed his words more carefully. "What experiments are you talking about?"

"Don't you know? Lupin and Dumbledore seem to think that the Wolfsbane potion is not enough, especially if the star pupil of Hogwarts is going to be bedded, my apologies, I meant wedded to such a creature." Hermione flushed at his deliberate slip, not sure whether she was angry or embarrassed. "I am working on an outright cure, though I expect it will be a fruitless waste of time and energy. The only good thing about the entire situation is exposing Lupin to potentially embarrassing reactions."

Hermione narrowed her eyes in disgust. "You would be one to kick someone who's already down. I hope you're not planning on poisoning my fiancé, because I know Dumbledore would not be happy with you if you tried to vent your spleen in that manner."

Snape looked at her with something akin to pity. In the kindest, most sincere voice she had ever heard him use, he responded, "And how happy would you be?"

She looked at him for a few agonizing seconds, completely dumbstruck, before pushing past him to run for her room. For some reason she couldn't fathom, his had question cut her heart in two.

XXX

After she had cried herself out, Hermione sat at her desk that evening trying to figure out exactly why she had become upset when Severus had confronted her. She fiddled with her quill over her potions homework, thinking through the encounter.

She had been doing a good job of handling herself in their verbal battle, until he had used the underhanded tactic of concern. How dare he! He had shown again and again that he didn't care about her at all, and then he turned around and pitied her? It was a completely unfair move.

She scolded herself for reacting so childishly to him. She could now think of a dozen cutting remarks that would have been appropriate, but all she was able to think of then was the horror of her automatic answer: "That's one way to get out of this marriage."

She mentally flailed herself again. How could she be so selfish to be amibivilant about Lupin getting hurt? He was a good man! He might not be the best potential mate, but he would be good to her. He would care for her as much as he was able to, and he would allow her as much freedom as she desired. She could probably take a lover, if she ever felt the need, and it wouldn't bother him at all. She grimaced and shuddered slightly, not liking the idea.

Hermione sighed heavily. Something just wasn't sitting right. The man she chose was obviously the best choice for her, and yet both he and Dumbledore were wary of the decision. That couldn't be good, but what was to be done? Snape just wasn't an option.

After Sunday, it would all be over. There wouldn't be anything more to worry about. She would be married to a man whose heart belonged, almost literally, to another. She wiped a tear from her eye with the back of her hand, not wanting to stain her potions homework.

A meow from Crookshanks distracted her into a feeble smile.

"It's not like I ever expected true love or anything, Crooks," she explained to the cat. "So why am I so disappointed?"

Her familiar leapt onto her lap softly, and curled up against her chest. She hugged him to her as if he were the only male who truly knew and loved her. Thinking about it a little, she started crying again. He probably was.

Wiping her eyes carelessly, she put Crookshanks on the floor, then flopped onto her bed and pressed her face to her pillow in a vain attempt at suffocation. The thought of lovers took her mind places she didn't want it to go. The image of Ron leaning in for a tender kiss after they had made love the first time, his face so full of emotion, made her heart ache fiercely. The fact that the image was getting fuzzy forced a shot of guilt to course through her, leaving her even more miserable than before. But no matter how much she hurt, she had to accept the fact that he was gone. He wasn't going to rescue her from this nightmare.

Her body forced her head to turn, and she sucked in fresh air to soothe her aching chest. She sniffled and wiped her cheeks with her hands again. She felt as if she were falling apart from the inside out, and she didn't know how to stop it. Everything good in her world had been torn apart when Ron had died.

"Oh, Ron," she sighed, her voice weighted with despair. She thought about all their time together, the snatches of privacy they had found. He had infuriated her like no other, but he had made her laugh as well. It hurt to realize she was moving on. She didn't think about him every moment of every day now, and it felt like she was betraying him.

"I still love you," she whispered desperately, hoping he could hear her.

As she cried herself to sleep, her thoughts centered on Ron. In her dreams she created a memorial service for him, and let herself mourn him properly. She had been desperately holding on to every memory in hopes of keeping him alive in her mind. That night she finally allowed herself to let him go, hugging him good-bye before he vanished in the mist.

Somewhere deep in the back of her head, her mind cleared, letting her rest deeply for the first time in months.