Chapter 13

Disclaimer: See Chapter One

Thanks go to my fantastic betas, ladyinthecloak and Charmed_Nay.

Hermione watched as Severus gathered his thoughts. What would he tell her? She felt that he was sincere in wanting to tell her the truth, and the fact that he would have let her go if she'd chosen to leave made her feel comfortable. At any point, she could leave, and he would not force her to stay. The only surprising thing had been that she hadn't wanted to leave...not really. She just wanted to know that she could do so without him trying to control her or doing something as Lucius had done.

Lucius Abraxas Malfoy would pay for what he'd done to her. She'd see to it, and it seemed that she wouldn't be alone in that. Severus would help her. She smiled softly then, reached over to place her hand over his, and said, "Start from the beginning if you'd like. We've all the time in the world, don't we?"

He nodded and seemed relieved. Turning over his hand to clasp hers, he replied, saying, "Some of this will not be easy for you to hear, but I think that if we're to have a better understanding of each other and a chance at a... normal life together, then I'll have to tell you."

"I told you already. I want everything." And she did. So much more than words. There was an emotion growing within her, and it wasn't love, but it was something she couldn't name. It almost made her feel possessive of him. Was it the bond? How would she ever know what her true feelings were? Did it really matter in the long run? My God, she thought, this is what the pull of darkness must feel like. Dark Arts, promising its user power... I shall have to find a way to counter this. I don't want to be like... them. She closed her eyes, remembering the way Bellatrix cast the Cruciatus on her with a gleam in her eyes.

"When I was very young," Severus began, "my family had a happy home. Things were going well here. The mill was open, everyone had jobs, and there wasn't an uninhabited home to be found. My mother had always been open about being a witch to my father, who was a Muggle, as you know. So, yes, I knew from the time I could comprehend things that I was a wizard."

"Did your father not mind?"

"Not back then, no."

She nodded, squeezed his hand, and moved to sit back, wanting to relax for what was obviously going to be a long story.

Severus followed suit, letting her hand go to run his own through his lank hair. "I saw Lily for the first time when I was quite young. They were being walked to the Muggle school for her first day while my mother and I were going into town for supplies. She was beautiful...even at such a young age...and her smile was the most welcoming thing I'd ever felt. We were only five." He snorted suddenly. "Her older sister was with them and reminded me of a hawk, looking round in every direction with narrowed eyes, as if hoping to spot prey.

"When she saw me, she wrinkled her nose and stood right in front of Lily so that my view was blocked. It was too late, though, for I had already seen her, and I vowed that day to get to know her, to show Petunia that she wasn't any better than us, even though they were obviously better off than we were. I wanted her to know that I could fit in with them if I chose to."

"And so you decided to befriend Lily?"

"Yes," he said with a nod. "I could see even then that her sister was jealous of her and, strangely enough, quite protective. Even so, I wanted to get to know the pretty girl who'd smiled at me so kindly, who had the flaming red hair, who had the feel of magic about her." He was lost in memory for a moment. "Things got bad not long after that. People began to lose jobs, rumors that the mill would be closing ran rampant, and some of our family's friends began to move away." He faced Hermione then. "My father asked my mother to use a hex on his boss to make certain that he was one of the men who wouldn't end up without a job."

Hermione gasped. "Oh, no, your poor mother. Did she do it?"

Severus nodded. "I remember the fight. It was the first time I'd seen him hit her, and it shocked me terribly. She'd not wanted to do it, of course, but she loved him and wanted our family to do well. I remember her saying that there was no way she'd ask her parents for money, which he'd also asked of her."

"Would they not have helped?" Hermione asked.

"Heavens, no, not without forcing her to leave my father. They hated him and the fact that he was a Muggle. They cut ties with her, made her choose what life she would live."

"And she chose him?"

"Obviously."

"Go on then."

"She used the Imperius on the man, and my father was one of the few who were able to keep their jobs for the longest...though there was a substantial cut in pay. It was only a matter of time before all parts of the mill shut down." He shook his head sadly. "Things weren't the same after that. My mother resented the fact that he'd asked it of her, and he seemed to want more and more.

"Meanwhile, I took refuge away from home. I went round the playground most days. Sometimes I'd just sit there and watch Lily and her sister. They lived right near it. One day, my watchful eye paid off. I saw Lily do magic, and I knew that what I'd felt before...that magical pull...had been real. She was like me. Another wizard in the same neighborhood! I, of course, went to her."

"I'll bet her sister didn't like that."

"Not at all. But no matter what she did, she never managed to drive Lily and me apart. We became quite close, and I was even invited to her home on several occasions, though I never brought her here." He looked around at his rundown home. "Mum started letting things go. My father didn't try to help either. They fought more and more, him staying away with his friends down the pub as often as he could. It got really bad."

"I'm sorry to hear that. My parents had rows as well, but they always worked through them. I guess everyone does. It's only natural."

Severus nodded. "I agree. In this dark time, Lily was like a shining beacon. I told her everything, and she didn't use my words against me or make me feel ashamed. She told me that I should secretly contact my grandparents...maternal...to see if they would help us. I told her how owls could send messages, so she and I wrote a message and tried for days to catch an owl." He snickered slightly. "It didn't work, of course. However, as luck would have it, someone sent an owl to my mum and was awaiting a reply. I gave it a snack and added my letter to its burden, instructing it to find my grandparents, the Princes.

"I didn't hear anything for days and feared that it simply brought my pathetic letter to whomever my mother had sent her package to. I thought I would be beaten for certain if she found out. Nobody in her world knew of our problems, and I doubt she wanted them to know about it."

"But you ruined that by writing the letter, didn't you?"

"Yes. One day as I was leaving the park, after seeing Lily home, a tall man approached me and introduced himself as my grandfather. I was shocked. My message had been delivered, he'd said. Imagine my surprise. I remember it as clearly as if it had been yesterday."

"Severus Snape?" a tall, dark-haired man asked, one brow arched questioningly and a slight sneer gracing his features.

"We shall see." The man nodded and stepped back. "Meet me here this Saturday morning. Just after dawn." There was a pop, and his grandfather was gone.

There was a long pause, so Hermione finally asked, "And did you? Meet him?"

"Yes. Weekly after that. I learnt much of what I know today from him."

"And your mum was never the wiser?"

"She found out eventually...and was angry."

"I can understand that." She smiled and listened as he talked about his meetings with his grandfather, his adventures with Lily, and all the secret things he did to Petunia, who'd always tried to spy or get them into trouble.

"And so that was where I learned all about Slytherin," he finished. "He told me that a true Prince would be in Slytherin. I wanted that more than anything. I hadn't realized back then that the man was training me to dislike my father, which didn't help things at home. I became snappy towards him and he towards me. We never had a good relationship again, and at the time, I didn't care. I hated my home life by then, especially after the mill closed and left us in dire straits. Sometimes I would sit alone in the dark and zap flies. It was an odd way to relieve my frustrations, but it worked.

"I longed for acceptance, for a place in the Wizarding world that I'd learned about. So, naturally, when I was Sorted into Slytherin, I felt that I was one step closer. Lucius Malfoy was a prefect in his final year. My grandfather had told me all about his influential family, so I was pleased that he accepted me into the fold with a pat on my back, telling others to look out for me. I felt accepted and part of something precious to my family heritage finally. The Princes would send me monthly treats and a small amount of spending money. I never used it for clothing, as they'd suggested, but for knowledge. There were too many books to be bought and too many things to learn." He sighed. "My only regret about being a Slytherin was that Lily had been sent to Gryffindor...where that arrogant prat, Potter, had been sent. We'd met them on the train to Hogwarts, him and Sirius Black. Blighters, both of them. And arrogant. I loathed them immediately, and for many years, Lily did as well."

"You know, I've wondered why you hated Harry so much all those years, and he told us that you'd hated his father. And then when I found out about your feelings for his mother, it didn't make sense. Why would you hate him if you'd loved her so much?"

"She chose to die for him," he said simply. "I saw her death as his fault. I hated him for meaning so much to her."

"So, it wasn't because he could have been yours?"

"Make no mistake, I would have wanted that life with her, but it was not meant to be. I did hate that he had that life with her. If only I'd had a better hold on my temper, things would have turned out differently."

"Tell me about it."

Severus went on to tell her about how he'd called Lily a Mudblood when she'd defended him in front of everyone. It had slipped out...his grandfather's word, the words of those in his house. His pride had been wounded, and he'd simply struck out at anyone...sadly, it was Lily, and she'd never quite forgiven him for what he'd said. He told Hermione about the times Lily had asked him to make a choice between his friends and her and how he'd never wanted to give up his friends. He'd wanted them both, and he'd felt that he should've been able to have that.

Hermione remembered all too well what it was like to be in a house where even her dorm mates mostly ignored her, so she could definitely commiserate with Severus on that level. If she hadn't made friends with Ron and Harry, she wondered how long it would have taken her to become part of some group of friends. Would anyone have taken her into the fold the way Ron and Harry had?

"I'm sorry to hear that. I suppose I can understand why she was so hurt."

"She felt that I'd chosen them by using 'their' word. It's my worst memory...or was."

"What's your worst now?"

A hand moved up to the side of his neck where he'd been bitten by Voldemort's snake. "Nagini."

Nodding, Hermione said, "It was horrible. There was blood all over, and your memories..." She took a deep breath.

"It was what I deserved though, wasn't it?"

"How can you say that?"

"Do you know how it felt to live all those years knowing that I'd been the one who'd brought the Dark Lord the information that made him want to go after her family? I had no idea it would be her."

"Didn't you care that it was a family at all? With a baby, Severus..."

"I didn't fully understand what I'd heard. I was just spying and trying to get anything useful so that I would be..."

"Accepted," she finished for him.

"Yes."

"That night with the troll in my first year, do you remember it? Quirrell had set it loose about the castle...we'd thought it was you."

"I do."

"I'd been in the bathroom crying because I'd heard Ron telling Harry how horrible I was and how I'd never have any friends because of it." She smiled at the memory. "When they heard about the troll, they came to find me...only it had found me first...but they still managed to save me."

"And you made up that story to get them out of trouble."

"Yes, it was the least I could do." She looked at him compassionately. "I know what it's like to be alone and to want to be accepted, part of something. I went against my better judgment to get that, and while it's not excusing what you did, or anywhere nearly as horrible, I can understand your reasoning."

"When I realized my error, I played both ends of the sword. I begged for her life, and then I went to Dumbledore and begged for him to help her. From that moment on, I was his spy as well. Thus began my double role of espionage."

"Did you really think Sirius had told the Dark Lord the location of their home?"

"Yes, I wasn't privy to whom the Dark Lord found information from, but Dumbledore himself told me that Black was the Secret-Keeper. I would never have thought that Potter would be stupid enough to use Wormtail. He was always a weak, pathetic follower." He gave her a deadly gaze. "I would have killed Black had I seen him before the Aurors took him to Azkaban. I'd planned on it, on avenging her."

"And instead, Dumbledore talked you into living your life at the castle and giving more of yourself to Lily by protecting her son."

"Which I gladly did for her."

She nodded. "I know. I saw those memories."

"Being a Death Eater was nothing like I'd imagined. When Lucius approached us later on, wanting us to meet a man who'd be able to help us get our world back on track...something I knew the Princes would support as well...I'd been eager to join, to learn more, and to be a part of something great. What person doesn't dream of changing the world for the better?

"For the better meant meaningless deaths, bribery, hexing, and many things I shall not speak about, but you can imagine. I've seen horrible things. Lucius was even horrified. Never wanted to get his hands dirty, that one, but he went along with things all the same and changed over time. Some of the others didn't mind, like the Lestranges, but some felt like me and loathed the things done."

"And did you partake in these things?"

"Not much of it, I admit, thankfully, but I still bore witness to a lot and did nothing. That makes me just as guilty."

Hermione nodded her agreement and let slip a couple of tears as she imagined some things that might have happened. "Was your grandfather a Death Eater?"

"No, but he was proud when he found out that I was. He donated Galleons to the Dark Lord's cause, keeping his association away from prying, public eyes." Severus snorted. "I was finally introduced to my grandmother after he'd learned I'd joined up with other prestigious families, finally feeling I was worthy enough."

"How did she treat you?"

"More kindly than he. She truly, I believe, had affection for me. After our first meeting, she went to my mother and tried to get her to leave my father. My mother's pride won out of course...or her foolish heart." He turned a pale color. "It's hard to change my mind about things even now...even though I know more about it."

"And?"

"And within a week, my father had been killed."

Hermione gasped. "By whom?"

"It was an unsolved case, but I knew... deep down that my grandfather probably had a hand in it. For how else would they get my mother home and sever all ties with our Muggle life?"

"I'm so sorry. That must have hurt you."

"I... I didn't mourn him at first. I thought he'd been intoxicated again and broke his neck in a fall. I was bitter and felt it served him right, as he should have been home with mum. I later found out that he'd been sober, and there hadn't been any clear cause as to why he'd died. My grandfather had told us those lies, my mother and me both. It's why I know he had a hand in it."

"The Killing Curse."

Severus nodded. "None other." He pointed to the Dream Stone. "My mother was given this once she went home to them...even after all that time had passed. She was their firstborn and no longer disowned."

"Why are you brooding now?"

"Because the stone was her downfall. She misused it, trying to see my father, doing many things. It's why I wanted to learn so much about it." He nodded towards the bookshelves. "When I felt I might end up like her, I put it in my vault at Gringotts. It's not meant to be abused."

"I appreciate all this honesty," Hermione said. "I always want you to be honest with me. I may not like what you have to say, but I'd rather know the truth than be kept in the dark."

"I agree," he said, "and I would have told you more before now, but Lucius..."

"Tell me about him. Why did you two become such close friends? He's older than you, so it's not like you didn't have mates your own age. What made him come to you?"

"He always said there was something about me, that he simply knew he and I were a perfect complement for each other." Here Severus sneered slightly. "Meaning he wanted me to do the grunt work while he pulled the strings."

"I can't imagine you letting someone do this to you."

"Aside from Dumbledore and the Dark Lord you mean?"

"Oh, er... right."

"I'm not above letting someone think he is in more control than he actually is," he said with a sly smirk. "It's proven quite useful on many occasions I must say." He snuggled back against the couch. "I won't lie about being impressed with his wealth and connections, and by being his friend, I had those at my disposal at well."

"But at a price, I'm sure," Hermione said.

"But of course." He reached over to touch her cheek. "I thank you for talking to me like this. I know that I'm undeserving of it."

She leaned into his hand. "I like this, too. Tell me more."

"Lucius' connections helped him escape Azkaban after the Dark Lord vanished when he tried to kill Potter. He claimed to have been Imperiused, and the Ministry believed him."

"Why didn't they question him with Veritaserum?"

"Lucius is an Occlumens, not as good as I, but sufficient in hiding what he needs to."

"And an Occlumens can hoodwink the truth serum."

"Yes." He gave her a tight smile. "It was in those days that Lucius first began talking about continuing the Dark Lord's work...only in a more tasteful manner." When Hermione said nothing, he continued. "We talked about what we would want to do, how we would go about things."

"New Dark Lords?"

"Something along those lines."

"Why didn't you follow through with it?"

"Narcissa had a second child...stillborn...and was quite sick for a while. Lucius devoted much time to her and to helping with Draco. Whatever he might be, he does care for his family."

"That's the only thing going for him then." She shook her head. "He had me completely fooled." With a sigh, she asked, "And how did you two cook up this scheme to snatch someone from the Otherworld?"

Severus calmly said, "That he even knew about my continued research was an accident. I'd kept transcribed copies of some of our conversations where he'd explained some long lost lore his grandfather had told him. I used that information, as most lore is based on some form of truth, and I improvised...came up with a potion that might do the trick.

"I had my bases covered. If the Dark Lord ever found out, I would have pretended it was for him, but ironically, his want for immortality gave me the idea in the first place. And then there was the Dream Stone. I devoted much time, as I told you, when it came to me... to learn its secrets."

"Your mother just gave it to you and didn't wait until you were older?"

"She died and then it was mine."

"So young?"

"It was by her own hand."

"What happened?"

"I expect she wanted to be with my father." His expression turned bitter. "She'd gone a little mad near the end, but she was nearly the mum I'd loved so much as a child."

"And your grandparents? Where are they now?"

"My grandmother passed on about seven years after that, and my grandfather died after I became Headmaster of Hogwarts. He was quite proud of me...left me their home and all his money. I'd made the Prince family proud once again, you see."

"He left you everything, and yet you come here? Why? You were obviously miserable here."

"My grandfather wasn't really proud of me though, was he? He was proud of the face I showed the public, which was most definitely not me...not really. My life was dedicated to helping the son of the dead Muggle-born woman I'd loved most of my years. I was Dumbledore's man, not the Dark Lord's." He shrugged. "All I ever wanted was their approval, something more in life, something to make Lily proud of me, to see that the world could be ours...improved for us all."

"And now you don't want it, his approval."

"It feels wrong. Yes, I'm the Half-Blood Prince, as I fashioned myself, but I am also Severus Snape. I believe that I, being the latter more than anything, belong in this home...not his."

"Why can't you be both?" she asked curiously. "Take what you like from who you wanted to be and reconcile that with the person you are."

Severus shook his head. "It would not be so simple."

"I will help you," she said firmly.

"Why would you do that when it was I who got you involved in this?"

"And exactly how did that come about? I remember Lucius saying something about you'd mentioned me the day before... before you died. He said you'd admired what I'd done at Gringotts."

"Very daring, that," he said with a nod. "Foolish, however, but courageous all the same."

"Is that all there was to it?"

Shaking his head, he said, "I haven't explained everything, but I will answer this question after I tell you the first part."

"Right, jumping the wand here. Sorry."

"No, it's all right. I'm surprised it's so easy to talk to you about this, especially after your display earlier."

She smiled and gestured for him to carry on.

"Lucius came to Hogwarts unexpectedly. I had no choice but to leave him in my office while I hurried out to see what commotion the Carrows had caused. When I came back, he'd found something I'd been working on.

"At this point, the Dark Lord had taken over his home, had taken his wand, and was treating him nearly as badly as he treated Wormtail. Lucius was never bred to play lapdog to someone. I suppose he thought if he took my research to the Dark Lord, he might move up in the ranks again, become more trusted, gain favor."

"How did you talk him out of it?"

"I used his situation against him, telling him I detested the way his family was treated and what the Dark Lord had forced on young Draco." He smirked. "I opened a second drawer and showed him the notes I'd taken years before...how I'd improved his grandfather's findings."

"And he thought that it was meant for the two of you?"

"Right in one. Lucius became alive again. The light was back in his eyes, and when he shared the news with Narcissa, it gave her something to look forward to as well. She loathed the Dark Lord for what he'd done to her family, hid it well, but loathed him all the same."

"And me?"

"A conversation or two where you were mentioned. And I want you to know that I never intended for any of this to really happen, not really."

"What do you mean?"

"I was only researching, trying to find a way to survive a Killing Curse or something similar...a way to manipulate what I had already discovered. I knew that it would probably work the way Lucius and I had planned, but it was untested. I'd hoped he would forget about it in time, what with the Dark Lord growing angrier by the day and us always having to watch our backs."

"So he expected you to die? You expected it?"

"We thought that either of us might. It was something either of us could fall back on, the potion," he replied. "Sly as he is, he brewed the potion that would enable a body to remain alive...never to decay while awaiting its soul." His thin chest poked out slightly. "I created that myself."

"I would love to read these notes."

"In due time, my dear," he said smoothly. "My life seemed to be pointing in one direction: death. It was actually Lucius who mentioned you first, and as I did on many occasions, I went along with what he said to keep him silent and content, never thinking it would come to fruition."

"Clearly you didn't realize his commitment."

"Not at all. When he came to me after the night of the battle at Hogwarts, he said that he had a feeling I was about to be killed, something about the Dark Lord's expression and wording. He opened a phial and told me to drink it, saying it was our potion. He did the same with a second phial, asking me to look after Narcissa and to find Draco if something happened to him, leaving me to be the one who survived."

"I would almost find that touching if I didn't know the bastard."

Severus' lip curled slightly. "I cannot express how guilty I feel for involving you in this, but all the same, I am indebted to you."

"So... you didn't really want me."

He put his head down for a moment, not looking at her when he finally spoke. "Once I thought of it more, I realized that if something did go wrong, it had to be you who would help me. The instinct to survive, even when one feels he deserves his fate, is overwhelming and thrives when we least expect it to."

"You are bloody confusing, you know."

Hermione's mind wandered. He wanted her to be the one if he had to be brought back. He didn't really say why, and she wanted to know. Had to know. "I will ask again, Severus. Why me?"

"You remind me of her sometimes," he admitted. "She was much like you during our Hogwarts days...always revising, wanting to do the best she could. I never realized that until after I learned things during my stint as Headmaster. You are a brilliant woman. The things the other Death Eaters would say about you...the escape from Lovegood's house, the way you defied Bellatrix... Listening to what Phineas learned became one of my only times of joy. I thought of us as... co-workers almost. You were keeping Potter alive long enough until I could go to him and give him Dumbledore's instructions."

"I never thought of it that way." She scooted closer to him. "I saw the way you reacted to Professor Dumbledore when he told you that Harry would likely have to give his life in order to save everyone." She placed a finger to his lips when he tried to speak. "I know you said it was because of her that you did those things, but I do believe it was more than that. It had to be."

He pursed his lips slightly. "Perhaps."

She beamed brightly.

"Perhaps not."

Her smile faded. "There are some things that you'll have to work on, as will I." She rested her head against his shoulder, neither saying anything. She was both honored and annoyed that she'd been the one to catch his eye. She knew his words to be true. He would have never wanted Lucius to do what he'd done...taking advantage of her body anyway.

"Severus, while we're being honest," she began, "would you give me your opinion about why Lucius would want to have sex with me, especially if he knew you'd be angry about it? I have my theory about revenge, but why risk your wrath? He went out of his way to make certain he had some of that anointment, leaving you unable to harm him. And he supposedly cares for his family so much. What of his wife?"

"I am glad he gave you some as well...the anointment, I mean. I could have come back... different."

"Yes, how gentlemanly of him."

"Sarcasm isn't one of your finer attributes, my dear," he said softly. "But the more I think of it, there is only one answer I can think of."

"Oh?"

"A long time ago, after Lily's death, I'd gone on a binge...getting pissed and not caring what happened to me. School was out for break, and I hated all the holiday cheer. After all, what was there to be happy about? Lily was dead. Dumbledore granted me leave from the castle.

"I ended up at Malfoy Manor for one reason or another," he said. "I barely remember it, but Narcissa and I were talking... and I kissed her, chastely on the lips, causing her to pull back in surprise. She then leaned forward and kissed me back, more firmly. Lucius walked in and raged at us of course. I let him hex me without raising my wand. I felt guilty, sot that I was, and I wanted to be with her, my Lily."

"And he forgave you?"

"He did... or so I'd thought." He gazed at her in a way she'd never seen him look at anyone, and it tugged at her heart deeply. "I'm sorry for what he's done to you, Hermione. Perhaps my one moment of idiocy has lent a hand to this. Her perfume, it reminded..." He waved his hand dismissing his words. "The reasoning doesn't matter, does it?"

In that moment, she felt more emotion than she'd ever felt with Ron. She wanted to soothe him, wanted to let him soothe her. How could she not feel something for him when he'd bared his soul for her to see and was obviously seeking approval?

"I... I want a real marriage, Severus." She wanted him to feel that way about her. How would it feel to be the center of someone's world? She was fairly sure she'd never been put first in Ron's mind, and she definitely knew the truth of that now.

The shock hit his eyes instantly. "Are you certain?"

"Yes. We'll take one day at a time while you learn to live again, but we'll do it together, as a man and wife should."

"I would like that."

She looked around the room and grimaced. "I expect we'll have to start with cleaning this filthy house."

He tilted his head back and laughed deeply.

"For now, I should like to have a bath, and it would be kind of you to... help me, as I am still suffering from your horrid friend's potion."

"I would be honored to join you."

"Join me? I don't know that I'd ask for that," she said quietly, gauging his reaction.

"Whatever you'd like then."

"Tempting as it is, I don't want sex right now, but I want to be close to you. Is that all right?"

He nodded and rose, extending a hand to her. "I always thought up my best plots of revenge while taking a shower."

"I use my bath time to reflect on things as well," she said with a smile, taking his hand. "Anything in mind?"

"We should discuss what I will do next with Lucius and in what way we will make him pay for what he's done to you."

"For what he's done to us. He's used you, too, Severus. Don't forget that."

"Oh, I shan't. Don't worry about that."

AN: Sorry for the delay, but life's been full of things lately...in the fandom and out! Hopefully this chapter with nothing but Snape and Hermione was worth the wait. Thanks for following the story.