Chapter 20

Disclaimer: See Chapter 1 please.

Thanks go to my friend ladyinthecloak, who always finds time to help me out when I need it, which is often. You're a great beta. Cheers! And I want to give a shout out to my lovely, long-time beta, Charmed_Nay, who's been having a busy RL and will beta this as soon as she's able!

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Nervously, Hermione made her way to the door. Ron had reluctantly retreated upstairs and promised he'd come down if he heard anything amiss. Not that he would hear anything, as there were spells that would keep him out of their business. She paused before the door and took a few deep breaths, willing herself to be firm and not allow him to manipulate her any longer. She would fight the pull of the bonding...or so she hoped. Even now her pulse raced in anticipation.

She squared her shoulders and opened the door. "Severus," she greeted coolly and gestured for him to enter.

He did so, eyes dark and glinting, and before she realized what he was about, he had her in his arms, molding her against his body tightly with an arm around her waist and the other lost in her hair. She couldn't deny that it felt good, so right, but she had to put an end to it before anything else happened.

"Please, Severus, we're only going to talk."

Releasing her, he said, "How I've missed you."

"It's not been that long."

"Too long," he argued.

"Let's go to the drawing room." She turned and walked ahead of him, knowing he would follow. To her horror, her hands were shaking, and she hoped he wouldn't notice once they sat down, for then he would think her weak.

Severus said nothing as they seated themselves, her on the comfortable chair by the fire, he on the settee across from her. He simply gazed at her as if drinking her in. How could she have forgotten the intensity of his stare?

"You have some explaining to do," he said suddenly.

"Excuse me?" she replied incredulously. Of all the things she'd expected, that hadn't been it. Why wasn't he groveling and begging her forgiveness?

"You heard me," he snapped, flicking his wand towards the doorway. "Muffliato."

"I believe you've got it the wrong way around, Severus," she said, glad that her ire was building. "You've been lying to me about something all along, and don't you dare deny it! I'm not a complete idiot where you're concerned, and I shan't allow you to sweep it under the rug any longer."

"You know all that you should," he said quietly, though his eyes flicked away for a moment.

"All I should, eh? In other words," she jumped up to pace, "I only know what you want me to know. And the potion you've been giving Lucius to aid him with his dreams? How could you! You know how important that is to me! He deserves whatever he gets!"

"I don't deny he deserves it. I just thought that perhaps you were turning into someone unlike yourself by prolonging it."

She shook her head, outraged. "Why lie about giving him the potion?"

"I did not lie about it," he hissed. "I told you I was making a potion that would..."

"Liar!"

"If you would let me finish, Hermione, you would learn the truth."

"But..."

"Are you done? Do you not want your question answered?"

"You know I do!" He paused and gazed at her with an arched eyebrow, as if daring her to interrupt again. Oh how she wanted to slap his smug face!

"I told you that I was working on a potion that would release the effect of the anointment on me."

"Yes, what's that to do with anything?"

"When I realized that it shouldn't be me who ingests it but one protected by it, I lied to him and told him it was to stave off the nightmares." He crossed his arms over his chest. "That is why I hoped you'd leave off for a bit, to make him think it was working!"

"Why not just tell me the truth? Do you not have any faith in me? I would have seen the sense in it."

"I did not want to give you false hope that it would work."

"I've been disappointed before," she said bitterly, "and all you've accomplished is making me think you were on their side! You have no idea what I've been thinking these past few days." She plopped back down into her chair. "That bitch!"

"Hermione..."

"You could have tested it on me! I am protected against you as well."

He shook his head. "Never."

"What? Why not? It would be the same thing."

Severus frowned. "What if something had gone wrong?"

"You mean to say that I actually need that protection from you? You would hurt me? Is this a threat?"

"Stupid girl," he said angrily. "I mean that I wouldn't test something on you that way in case something would go wrong."

Hermione could see the logic in his argument, but she still didn't appreciate being kept in the dark. "I don't like it," she muttered. "But the way you talked about me to him, Severus..." Her voice trailed away, and to her shame, she felt tears prick her eyelids.

"What did you hear? How?"

"When I left the room..."

"I cast a spell to keep you from hearing, knowing how he'd speak."

"Well, your dear friend Narcissa, has a quaint little spy room that repels spells of any kind, so I heard your entire exchange. The things he said, and you agreed to them!" An angry tear slid down her cheek. "And you talked about our sex life...even laughed with him about what he and I... I don't know that I can forgive that." She swiped at the next tear that followed the first.

"I'm very practiced at what I do, Hermione. Sometimes you have to do and say unsavory things when you don't want to."

"H-how could you let him say those things about me." Her voice had lowered to a whisper, and she no longer tried to stem the flow of tears. "I felt like such a whore."

"Do you not think that I didn't want to rip his throat out for those words?" Severus said, his voice dangerously quiet. "I wanted to kill him, but I cannot. Think, why couldn't I?"

"The anointing we had," she said, shuddering slightly. She'd known all along that he would say that he'd only gone along with things because of the role they were playing, and hearing it only caused her more confusion. How could she trust that his words weren't smoothly orchestrated now? Glancing up, she saw that his eyes had darkened, and she knew him well enough to know that he was plotting murder in his mind.

Then she realized that she could actually feel his loathing.

"As soon as I am able, Hermione, he will pay for what he's done to you. I am biding my time, praying that my potion is helping, and when it does, Merlin help him." His hand lifted and caressed her chin. "I love you." The words were impassioned, and she knew them to be true. It was the most straightforward confession of his feelings he'd made to her.

This caused her to pull away and hug herself. What could she do? She wanted to go into his arms so badly, but to just let him get away with what happened? Why did she feel ridiculous suddenly? Had she been impulsive?

"Severus, Narcissa isn't innocent in this."

"Tell me. What did she do?" His voice seemed as though he was unsurprised.

"She said a lot of nasty things to me, and it made me realize that you and Lucius must always talk about me so horridly. How else would she have known?" She laughed bitterly. "After she had her say, she tried to Obliviate me. In fact, she thinks she succeeded. I pretended her spell hit me." Hermione gazed over her shoulder at him ruefully. "You see, she had my wand, and I was going to attack her bodily, but I slipped. She missed. I pretended that my head hurt so that I could leave."

"But I felt your pain. Your head must have been hurt."

"I was in pain, Severus. You caused it."

He stepped away from her then and strode over to the window, pulling back the thick draperies to gaze out into the back courtyard. "I do not know what to say other than I never meant to hurt you. I was just doing what I thought prudent to keep our cover."

"I won't deny that I'm still hurt over it, but I confess that I understand your reasoning. I am... I appreciate that you admitted how much his words bothered you." She sighed. "But there are other things you won't tell me. I can feel it."

"Yes."

"And you still won't tell me? Don't I deserve to know?"

"To know what, Hermione? What do you want me to tell you? Do you want me to tell you that you don't have to be my wife? That I can release you from this bond? That I've been selfish in keeping that from you because I want you for myself...for always?" He spun around to face her, his thunderous expression frightening her.

"Stop saying that! You know as well as I that there's no way around this bonding. We've decided to make the most of what we've been dealt and were doing such a great job of it. I love you, Severus. I want to share my life with you. I just want you to be honest with me about everything." She pulled at her hair in frustration and counted to ten to calm herself, breathing deeply. "Please be honest."

His nostrils flared. "I was being honest."

"W-wait, what?"

"I know how to release you from this bond."

It felt as though a fist slammed into her chest. "You've... you've only just discovered it, right? You've come across something recently and were just afraid to tell me because you are insecure about us."

"No."

"No? What do you mean 'no'?"

"From the moment I opened my eyes, I knew you were my wife and would remain so, for I swore I'd never let you go."

"You knew? All this time!"

"Yes. I couldn't risk you running back to Weasley. I wanted you to see how it could be for us, how badly I wanted it to be you I spent my life with."

Hermione's head began to spin. He knew. He'd betrayed her. She'd always known that something wasn't quite right, but the bonding, it worked against her in more ways than one. "And you manipulated me through the bond. You used me. Used it to your advantage to bend me to your will."

Bile rose in her throat, and she tried to calm herself to keep it down. The man she loved was not the person she'd thought him to be. Who was this person that had come back from the Otherworld? Severus Snape had been cruel, that was for certain, but this man was someone else entirely.

Panic overtook her. He seemed as though he might pounce on her at any moment, and she had to will herself not to scream out for Ron. It wouldn't help, as he wouldn't hear her, and then Severus would only be angrier.

"There's no need to run," he said menacingly, stepping forward.

"Stay back."

"I would never hurt you," he vowed, his gaze not wavering in intensity.

"You mean that you can't hurt me because of the ointment Lucius gave me!"

"Even without it, you silly girl, I wouldn't harm you in any way. I love you."

"Lies! Slithering from your silken tongue! Do you not think forcing me to remain married to you and allowing a fucking bond to manipulate my feelings isn't hurting me?"

"You love me!" he roared suddenly. "Dare you deny it?"

"I think I love you, but for all I know, it's the bond!"

"It is not! It doesn't work that way!"

"How can I trust you? How can I trust myself?"

"I don't know what to tell you."

"Are there other things that I do not know?"

He nodded. "Of course."

"You... Oh my God. You knew Malfoy would approach me without a doubt. It wasn't something you just happened to hope for. You and he planned this the whole time."

"Yes, I knew he would find a way to get you to help me."

She grabbed a nearby lamp and threw it at him with all her might, screaming furiously when he neatly dodged it and steadily came for her. "I hate you! How dare you!"

He pulled her into his arms and tried to hold her close, but she fought against him, kicking and hitting, until he released her. "You let him use me!"

"NO!" he hollered. "I had no idea about that. I swear it."

In a small, broken voice, she asked, "How could you do this to me?"

"Because I love you."

"You love me?" she snorted. "If it's true and you do love me, which I seriously..." She thought of his fervent declaration earlier. "And I do believe that you feel you love me, but that's only since we've been together. How could you have known it would work out that way before you'd even died? You certainly didn't love me back then. Barely tolerated my presence might better define your feelings towards me."

He shook his head. "I fell in love with you within the last few months of my life, Hermione."

"You were spying on me then?!"

"No," he said with a soft sigh. "But I can't tell you."

"You'd better!"

"Do you demand it of me then?"

"Yes, damn it! Stop with these games."

"Say it."

"Say what? I just said..."

"Say the fucking words, Hermione!"

"I demand that you tell me what you're on about at once! I don't know how much more of this I can take, you bastard!"

Severus shuddered visibly and closed his eyes, as if in ecstasy.

Hermione backed away, uncertain what he'd do next. He certainly was acting bizarre. "What are you doing?"

His eyes opened and found hers. In the calmest voice imaginable, he replied, "You and I worked together, during your sixth year, and we met a great deal in the months that I became the headmaster at Hogwarts."

Had she heard him right? What was he playing at? "I think you should leave, Severus. I'll not listen to any more of this."

"Who do you think helped me make the fucking potion that would eventually save my life?" He pointed at her. "Oh, we'd thought it would be for Potter, of course, but it was researched and created by us...many hours were spent on this."

"Interesting. And I don't remember this because...?"

"Because you chose not to, Hermione, and you made me take a vow that I would never tell you about any of this unless you demanded it of me. Can't you see? I couldn't tell you. How I wanted to be honest with you, but... I couldn't break that vow."

"I don't believe you."

He nodded. "Yes. I assumed you wouldn't. I told you that you wouldn't."

"Oh? Not going to offer to show me some memories then? You have had time to fabricate some, though, eh? This should prove entertaining."

"I pleaded with you to..." His voice broke. "I knew you wouldn't believe me, and I knew you'd never trust what I could show you."

"Then we're at an impasse, Severus."

"I can't even offer to take Veritaserum," he said bitterly.

"Nope. Superb Occlumens such as yourself can pass those tests with flying colors."

"You swore to me that you would leave yourself a clue, something that would trigger your memory. Please, at least try to dwell on that. Maybe it will come to you, and you will know..."

"Why in the world would I want to charm my memory? If I'd helped to create something such as this, I wouldn't want to lose that!"

"You had a good reason."

"Oh? What?"

"Weasley."

"What about him?"

"It's complicated."

"We have all night."

"Hermione, I'm sorry for the things I told Lucius, and I intend to make him pay for every syllable he's uttered against you, for every negative thought he's had about you, and for every touch he stole from you, for taking what should have been mine." Severus reached out to touch her and, apparently, decided against it, turning away instead. "I know I've not given you a lot to go on, but with the bond, you should feel that I am being truthful."

"Trickery for all I know. None of this feels right to me. I think... I think you're just trying to smooth things over, Severus, and I'm sorry, but you've not given me much to have faith in."

"I see," he whispered.

"I would like for you to help release me from this bond."

He nodded slowly and said nothing.

"When will you do this?"

"I have to go to Gringotts first. We can do it tomorrow, first thing."

"All right. Here?"

"Our home would be preferable."

"Your home, not ours," she said firmly. "It's... it's over for us. Someone who would deliberately do this isn't someone I can share my life with. I'm sorry." The dull ache in her body became splitting, causing her to cry out and double over. "It hurts..." Her groans were met with his, and she noticed that he'd leaned against the settee, clutching its back in a show of emotion as he tried to get through the pain that he obviously felt.

"So many times I wanted to confess to you what I'd done, but I couldn't. I was afraid to lose you." He sat down and hunched over, one hand on his abdomen. The next words he spoke were more for him than for her. "I shouldn't have told you. I should have lied again."

"You told me," she said through ragged breaths, "because you love me, and you couldn't continue being dishonest with me."

His expression was unlike she'd ever seen it, so forlorn, so defeated. "But I've lost you."

There was nothing she could say to that and simply clenched her teeth to stave off the next wave of pain and dizziness that she felt. Unsure of how many minutes passed, she felt a cool vial being pressed into her palms. "It's the only thing that helps me, though it doesn't last long."

Hermione nodded and doubted she would take it. There was no telling what he might try to do now that he knew she would leave him for certain. He'd as much as said he regretted admitting the truth to her.

"I'll expect you tomorrow before noon."

And from her prone position on the floor, she saw the heels of his boots tread towards the door and the billow of his cloak as it trailed in his wake. Burying her face into the rug, she cried loud and long, not caring that Ron would likely find her there...which of course he did.

To her surprise he didn't run off and try to hex Severus; instead, he lay down beside her and placed an arm around her, rocking her back and forth, saying soothing things.

"Please take something. I can't stand to see you hurting this way," he said softly.

She turned her palm over so that he could see the vial that Severus had given her. "I don't know if I should..." She hated to admit to Ron that she didn't trust her husband...soon to be ex-husband. For some reason, she didn't want to betray Severus that way, interestingly enough, considering he'd betrayed her in the worst way.

Not giving Ron enough credit had always been a downfall for her, and it always shocked her that he could have such insight.

"I'll try it first if you'd like."

Hermione wouldn't endanger Ron. Shaking her head, she said, "N-no. I'll drink it." Severus couldn't harm her, wouldn't harm her. She would have to trust that he wouldn't do something mental. When her shaky hands couldn't uncork it, Ron's hands steadied her and helped her to do so and helped to guide the vial to her lips. Almost instantly, she felt the intensity of her pain peel away, though she was still in some discomfort.

"All right?"

"Yes," she said, feeling her mind clear. "I need to go lie down."

Ron gently helped her up, lifted her, and insisted on carrying her up the stairs. She didn't argue, though she wanted to. It felt nice to have someone there for her...to have Ron there. When he placed her on her bed, he didn't think twice before climbing in beside her, holding her to him.

"I'm sorry, Hermione."

"For what?" she asked curiously. "This isn't your fault."

"No, I'm sorry that you're hurting so much. I wish... I wish I could share your pain."

That was likely the most touching thing he'd ever said to her, and she wasn't sure what she could say. It would have been so much easier if she hadn't fallen in love with Severus. She could have gone on with her life, made things right with Ron, and then married him as she'd planned. Instead, she'd fallen for Severus, and now a future with Ron was impossible. Resentment welled up inside of her.

How dare he do... Her internal tirade was cut short as she thought of Severus' words. She hadn't wanted to remember because of Ron. As ridiculous as it seemed at the time, she now had an inkling of what he might have meant. It hadn't only been their work she'd been trying to forget, had it? Had she developed feelings for Severus and opted to have them stripped from her mind in order to carry on with her life?

What clue would she have left herself? For the first time since he'd told her of his betrayal, she felt a little hope, and she felt that perhaps he had been telling the truth after all. Later, she would do a bit of soul searching and try to think of what she might have done to later jog her memory.

SW's Notes: Whoops! Well, things definitely went south there, but I'm sure our girl will figure something out and learn about her decision to alter her past.