Chapter 21

Disclaimer: See Chapter One.

Thanks go to ladyinthecloak for reading through this for me now and to Charmed_Nay for reading this for me when she has time!

Hermione's hands shook as she ran her fingers through her hair. She'd had a long night and had barely had any sleep. From the reflection in the mirror, she could see the dark circles under her eyes and the paleness of her skin. It wasn't only her body that ached, of course, for it was her mind that bothered her most. Her future seemed so glum without Severus in it. What would she do with herself now? Once the bonding spell was lifted, would she feel any differently?

Surely she would or so she hoped. It would be so much easier to come out of this as if it had all been a vivid dream. Impossible. The magic of the bond warred with her good logic: go to him, break the bonding...no, don't go, you love him!

A knock on the door made her jump. "Who's there?"

"Ginny. Can I come in?"

"Yes."

The door opened, and her red-haired friend entered, smiling softly. "Are you all right? You've been up here for a long time. You were supposed to leave ten minutes ago."

"I'm afraid," she admitted.

"Do you want me to go with you? Or Harry?"

Hermione shook her head. "No, that's all right." With a small sigh, she confessed, "I'm afraid that I'm making the wrong decision."

"Wrong decision!" Ginny said in disbelief. "He's been lying to you, messing with your mind with this magic. He's lucky you don't hex his arse or report him to the Ministry!"

Nodding, Hermione said, "I love him though, so this doesn't make it any easier."

"You think you love him. That remains to be seen," Ginny said sharply. "I just want my Hermione back. It's been so long since we've had you. You can't see it, but we all can. You're not the same." She bit her lip, debating on saying her next words. "I've... been wondering if it wasn't something like this all along."

"Have you?" Hermione asked darkly. "Yet you've been so supportive."

"What else was I to do?"

"A friend would have said something."

"No! A friend would have let you be happy and watched closely for any signs of something, which I did. How was I to know this when even you had no idea?"

"It's not like he tried to kill me," Hermione said hotly, wanting to defend Severus. "He just thought he was doing the right thing because he loves me and wants me in his life."

"Don't make excuses for that arsehole!"

"But he said that the reason I..." She quickly caught herself, having decided to not tell anyone about what else Severus had told her.

"Go on then. What?"

"Look, there's more to this than I'm willing to say at the moment, and I'm just telling you that maybe things aren't as bad as they might seem."

"Uh-huh." Ginny threw her hands up in the air. "You're going to go there and let this magic win, aren't you? You'll get caught up in a passionate emotional outburst, make love to him, and then decide against leaving him!"

"Ginny!" Her cheeks blushed furiously.

"Sorry. I just love you, and I want you to be happy." She crossed her arms and softly added, "Maybe you were meant to be with my brother all along."

Hermione frowned. "Is that why you are suddenly against Severus?"

"No! I'm against him because of what he's done to you. You'd be angry with Harry as well, wouldn't you?" Ginny touched Hermione's shoulder. "I think you and Ron could be happy. I mean, look at what you told me that night you were able to slip away from Harry and Ron to sneak into Hogwarts. Remember that?"

"Sneak into Hogwarts? What?"

"When you three were on the run. I saw you in the library at Hogwarts." Ginny's frowned. "Remember?"

"No, sorry, but tell me."

"You're not serious? How could you forget that?"

"So much happened," Hermione replied, thinking hard about what Ginny had said. She hadn't gone to Hogwarts in all that time that she could remember, but if what Severus had said was true, then perhaps she had run into Ginny. "Refresh my memory, mate."

"You were nearly caught by Snape! I had to help hide you behind that stack of books. I wanted you to come to the Room of Requirement, but you wouldn't. You said you had to leave the way you came, had a Portkey waiting for you."

"Oh, it's coming back now," Hermione lied. "And I never properly thanked you for that."

"You were so happy to see me that you cried, and when I asked you about Ron, you should have seen the look in your eyes." Ginny smiled, remembering the encounter. "You told me that if you ever seemed to doubt your future with Ron, I should take that portrait you carry round in your purse...the one with you and him and Harry...and break it over your head." Ginny's eyebrow arched. "It's a bit late for all that now, but should I do it then? I mean, I haven't thought about it again until just this morning."

"No need for that. I just need time," Hermione whispered, wishing she could remember this. "For now, I've got to go to Severus and get this done."

"I would really like to go."

Hermione shook her head. "That's not a good idea. I have to do this alone. All right?"

"All right, but if you aren't back before the evening, Harry, Ron and I will go after you."

"Fair enough."

After her friend left her alone, Hermione looked at herself in the mirror once again. "You can do this. If you still love him after the bond has been released, you'll have to take one day at a time to see if you can forgive him. If not, well, then that's just what will be."

With a nod, she gathered herself and made her way down the stairs and out the door, not pausing to speak to anyone, and then Disapparated to one of the small hills near the home she'd shared with Severus. As always, the beauty and lay of the land made her breath catch.

Could she leave this place behind with no regrets? From her position on the hill, she could see the garden that she and Severus had started. They'd had to create an invisible barrier on part of it that worked like a green house, of course, for some of the plants and flowers weren't fit for the cool climate here, especially the cold nights. Walking forward, she used the worn path to descend the hill and bring her to her husband for the last time. Oddly, she felt the need to fight her tears. If this was the right thing to do, why did it feel so wrong?

It's the bloody bond magic. It's trying to make you change your mind, she told herself. But somehow that didn't feel right either.

Before she could get to the door, it opened slowly, and Severus looked out at her sadly. "I wondered if you'd changed your mind," he said by way of greeting.

"I've not."

"Come then," he said and extended his hand.

She reached out tentatively and took it, a tear escaping to glide down her face. He led her to the sitting room, and as she looked around, she noticed that not one thing had changed since she'd left. "You don't look as though you've slept."

"When I had to make a potion that required constant attention throughout the night? No, of course I didn't," he snapped bitterly.

"If it's any consolation, I didn't sleep either."

"Hermione, this is ridiculous. Haven't you thought about what I said? I swear to you that I'm not lying."

"I have thought about it. How could I think of anything else?"

"And you still don't believe me?"

"I believe that something isn't quite right with my memory, but that doesn't mean it's what you said. I just don't know that I can trust you, and I'm sorry for that, but you've been lying to me all this while, manipulating me."

He simply nodded and looked away, as if meeting her eyes hurt. "I'm sorry," he whispered moments later. "I do love you." With a shrug of his shoulders, he turned and walked towards the doorway. "I'll just be a moment."

It seemed strange that they would have to take a potion to end a spell, but she supposed that since it had been a potion that had brought them together, it was logical that one would break them apart. A small part of her wondered if he wasn't desperate enough to use another potion on her to keep her with him. How would she know?

"Here we are," he said silkily, moving to sit next to her. "We will take this potion and likely fall into a deep sleep for a couple of hours while our body is released of the magic. Perhaps we should, ah, go to bed?"

"I don't see anything wrong with sleeping right here."

"Very well," he said, kicking off his boots. A flick of his wand saw the couch widen into a makeshift bed. "For comfort," he murmured.

Feeling nervous, she said, "This isn't a good idea, I think. Can't I just go home and take mine while you take yours here?"

"And if something goes wrong, we need to be here where the lab is. We need the proximity anyway. Understand?"

"Yes, all right."

He took a small phial out of his pocket. "Yours." Took another out after she held it in her hands. "Mine. Shall we?"

Hermione nodded and waited until he uncorked his and drank the lot before she did the same. She noticed the change in him before she felt anything for herself. His eyes scrunched tightly and he moaned as if in pain. Then she felt it...the pulling feeling in her gut, the need to expel part of herself? But what? How?

"God, it hurts," she bit out.

"I know, I know, I'm so sorry," he murmured and touched her face gently.

She opened her eyes. "Your touch, it chases away the pain."

"It's too late to stop this, Hermione," he said regretfully. "What's done is done."

"I know, and I don't ask that of you." She brought a hand to his face. "Does this make the pain... Ah!" She shuddered violently. "Does this help?"

"Yes."

Wanting the pain to dull, needing closure, wanting him one last time, she scooted closer. "Just for this once," she whispered, pressing herself against him completely and relishing the feeling of being pain free.

"Are you saying that you wish to make love to me?" he asked uncertainly.

"Under the circumstances, I think it prudent." She tried to make it sound like it was only to help the situation, but the truth was that no matter how angry she was with him, she wanted to be with him one last time at least. And it was likely the bonding making her think that way, but she didn't care. What was done, was done, and as he'd said, there was no stopping it now.

He nodded and leaned closer, bringing his lips to hers lightly, gazing at her as if she were the most precious thing in the world. "I will miss you terribly," he confessed. "You're everything."

Instead of replying, she eagerly kissed him back, parting his lips with her tongue and tangling it with his own, moaning. How she needed him in that moment! Their hands began tearing at each other's clothes, ripping and ruining when hindered. The hair she'd painstakingly brushed into manageability was now a wild mane tumbling around him. And then her naked flesh was against his, and the word hot fluttered through her mind over and over. The heat between their bodies was unreal, and yet, it was the heat that they needed to chase the pain away...the pain of their bodies having the magic ripped from them, the pain of losing the one person who meant everything to the other, and the pain of possibly never knowing anything in such a way again.

Severus sat up against the back of the couch and pulled her onto him so that she straddled his lap, kissing her throat fervently and fondling her breasts as she positioned herself to slide down his hard shaft. The moment they began merging into one, she hissed from the intensity of it and knew that her fingernails had drawn blood from his shoulders. He answered her eagerness by drawing blood of his own, for she was certain the rough nipping on her neck had broken the skin.

And she cared not. Only he mattered. This moment. Severus, Severus, Severus, her mind chanted in time with her body's movements. When his upward thrusts became more intense, she opened her eyes and met his. "I love you," she blurted. "Merlin, help me, I do."

His eyes closed, and his hands slid down to tighten around her waist as he vigorously guided her movements, helping her gyrate so that she was stimulated completely. There was heat, the building sensation, the want and longing and fear, and then the peaking explosion that caught her so suddenly she screamed, sounding as if she were in pain though she was not. She slumped forward, suddenly boneless and unable to move, her breasts pressed flatly against his chest.

She felt his breathing catch and release in a deep rush and knew that he'd also found release. Her dampened hair was stuck against his neck and shoulder, and she noticed that his was also matted against his face slightly. As the bliss of her orgasm ebbed, she felt as though she were losing something else, too. A light was leaving her, she could almost see the brightness fading, and in its place, something dark moved slowly in.

"Severus? I feel..."

"I feel it, too," he replied, not opening his eyes and still breathing heavily.

No, no, no! her mind screamed. I've made a mistake!

The power she'd once felt coursing through her was slowly trickling from her body as if she'd been pierced and was leaking its essence. She then noticed that her face was wet, not with only sweat but with tears. How long had she been crying? Loathing the new feeling of loss, she began to sob and held onto Severus as tightly as she could. What if she didn't like life as it would be? What if she'd made a mistake? How could she have wanted to leave Severus because of something so trivial?

Not trivial! a voice sounding like Ginny's whispered.

"I'll always love you," said his soft voice, but she couldn't open her eyes to see him, much less part her lips to answer him.

Darkness had come finally, despair and loss with it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Someone was talking. "Hermione... all right?"

She felt her arm being shook. "Mmmm, what?" she managed, though her voice was little more than a light croak.

"I've been trying to wake you for ten minutes! Where's Snape?"

Harry. What was Harry doing in her room? Hang on! I'm not in my room. Severus. The potion. Her eyes opened, and she was surprised to see that it was completely dark out, only a candle and the wand of Harry's light enabled her to see properly.

"What happened here, Hermione?" he asked worriedly, blushing as he moved the sheet that was covering her back up over her breasts when it slid down as she shifted. "There's only this sealed letter."

Horrified, she sat up, clutching the sheet to her, and asked, "Where's Severus?"

"That's exactly what I want to know. What did he do to you? I'll have him for this!"

"No, Harry, it wasn't like that. The potion, it..." He was gone. Severus had left her there alone. The potion had worked well, for she no longer felt the pull of the bond, but she was more bereft than ever because she still loved him. It hadn't been the magic. He'd been telling the truth when he'd said that her feelings were her own. "Oh no..."

"What is it? What can I do?"

"I've made a mistake, Harry. I shouldn't have..."

"He was your husband," he said quietly. "Don't fret about it. Let's just get you home, okay? Ginny and Ron are going mad with worry. I wouldn't let them come though."

Hermione nodded, not correcting his assumption that she'd made a mistake for giving Severus a last shag. "I need my clothes."

Harry reached down to fetch her shirt. "Er, it's got a tear on the sleeve."

"'S all right."

He tossed it to her and said, "Accio Hermione's Clothes. The rest of them, what was left of them, flew into his hands and he threw them to her as well, turning around to give her privacy as she dressed. "Do you need to go to St. Mungo's?"

"No, I'm fine."

"Sure?"

"Yes, he didn't hurt me. The potion worked. It's done with."

Tears burned her eyes as she pulled up the jeans she'd been wearing, having already stuffed her ruined knickers into the pocket. She loved Severus. The realization that she'd been truly in love with him and not forced to love him kept playing over in her mind. And now she'd chased him off because of her wounded pride and indignant anger. Of course she had reason to be angry with him, but now it all felt so inconsequential. Without a doubt, she knew she would never feel that way about anyone else again...not even Ron, no matter if she tried or not.

"Take me home, Harry," she finally said, unable to keep the sobs at bay. Her friend gathered her into his arms and Side-Along Apparated with her back to Grimmauld Place. He led her upstairs to her room and helped her to bed, telling her he thought she needed more rest, and she said nothing in return. When he reached the doorway, she heard him tell the others to leave her alone until she was ready to talk.

She'd never been more grateful in her life, and she wondered if she would ever want to leave the room again. Hermione had never been more miserable. She turned over and heard the distinct crumple of parchment. Shifting, she saw a letter and then remembered Harry saying there was only a letter there with her.

With trembling fingers, she opened the letter.

My Hermione,

Severus

She kissed the signature several times and then crushed it to her chest, wishing she could talk to him, that he hadn't fled before she'd been able to wake. But what would she have said or done? She'd made her decision. How could she go back on that now, much as she wanted to?

Time. Time would help her fix things somehow. Would she regain all her memories in time if she never found the supposed clue she'd left herself? What if she never recovered what she'd lost?

Hermione closed her eyes and tried to imagine a younger version of herself kissing the Severus Snape she'd known. How had she ever been that brave? Had they truly become so close working together? A smile lifted her lips as she thought of him sitting behind his desk and her slipping up beside him, leaning down to kiss him innocently. His face, in her vision, became incredulous, yet he couldn't stop himself from kissing her back. He'd fallen in love with her, and she'd obviously loved him, yet she'd not chosen him. Had she told him that he could never make her happy? That he couldn't give her the life that she wanted? That nobody would approve? When would she have ever cared what others thought?

She wanted those memories. All of them. No matter how much they hurt. Hell, she even wanted the memory Ginny had of them at Hogwarts. Sucking in a deep breath, she tried hard to remember anything...Severus, Ginny, Hogwarts, kisses, or potions work. Frustrated, she crumpled the parchment and threw it across the room, where it landed on her beaded purse.

Hermione's eyes widened. Ginny had told her something that she should have thought about more.

You told me that if you ever seemed to doubt your future with Ron, I should take that portrait you carry round in your purse...the one with you and him and Harry...and break it over your head.

Bolting out of her bed with a sudden energy, Hermione snatched up her purse and began dumping its contents out onto the floor; dozens of books, parchments, and several personal items plopped down before she saw the small, framed picture. Colin had taken it during her sixth year at Hogwarts. Poor Colin, she thought sadly as she gazed at the picture.

She was standing between Ron and Harry, all of them smiling, though she could see the troubled expression in their eyes. Ron was covertly looking at her when he wasn't smirking towards the camera. She seemed oblivious to his gaze, laughing at Harry's expression, though her hand brushed Ron's the entire time. Harry was shaking his head in disgust, tired of dodging Colin.

There was nothing extraordinary about the picture, nothing she hadn't seen before. Disappointment filled her. She'd hoped that maybe this had been a clue. Of course things wouldn't be so simple.

"Hang on," she muttered. With one last look at the picture, she gripped it tightly and heaved it as hard as she could towards the wall, biting her lip when the glass broke and the frame fell apart.

Carefully, she inspected the frame, finding nothing out of place. She picked up the picture and flipped it over, gasping slightly. On the back in what she recognized as her own handwriting was the title of a book, its location, and what appeared to be a quote.

The Many Ponderings of Leonardo da Vinci.

'Of all human opinions that is to be reputed the most foolish which deals with the belief in Necromancy, the sister of Alchemy, which gives birth to simple and natural things.'

"I've got to go to Hogwarts and find that book," she said determinedly. Knowing it wouldn't be prudent to go until she was thoroughly rested, for she would need her strength, she decided to lie down and try to sleep. Before she left in the morning, she would write to Severus and let him know that she would not make their parting public knowledge, but she wouldn't mention that she might be onto something where her memory was concerned.

She welcomed the hope that filled her, for after such a bleak day, she would be a fool to deny it.

SW: Well, at least I updated quickly. Sorry it's still a bit angsty. More up soon.