Chapter 5

Disclaimer: See Chapter One please.

Thanks to charmed_nay and ladyinthecloak for beta reading.

Over the next couple of days Hermione continued to read in the tome, and while she was learning some new things, it seemed that it was mostly displaying information that she knew already or that could easily be found at a Wizarding library. Lucius didn't need any help with the potion, as they'd added most of the ingredients already, and it was merely simmering. So, most of the time she simply sat staring at nothing in particular, lost in her mind.

Was it too late to change her mind? The thought of having sex with Professor Snape wasn't very pleasant, especially since he'd been dead nearly a year...not that he'd be a corpse or anything when they did couple. How would it be possible for him to be normal so quickly though? Wouldn't it take time for him to get back to good? She'd been dealing well enough with what had happened between her and Lucius, as she simply tried to forget about it, but this was Snape! He'd been her professor for six years. She'd seen him die.

While she'd never thought him to be ugly, though Harry and Ron did, she wasn't all that attracted to him. She supposed that had a lot to do with his attitude and the way he'd treated them all in the past. When he woke and sought out the woman who was to help him return to manhood, would he be pleased to find her there? Would he laugh and refuse? Or would he simply be so desperate that he'd not even take notice who was there, just needing a warm body?

The thought of him rejecting her was unsettling. While she'd had those dreams where he seemed to want her, she knew them to be only dreams. The reality would be so much different. A brief image of him sneering down at her hatefully came to mind. He'd always been one to hurt with words, so it was likely he'd still be that way, perhaps even hurting her with his body. But, no, Lucius had said that he couldn't harm them once they anointed themselves. It was still only a small relief.

Lucius had it bloody easy. All he had to do was sit back and wait for Severus to return to himself. She, on the other hand, had to be there during the whole process and help him return to the land of the living. The more she thought about it, the more nervous she got. How could she face him?

What would sex be like with him? Would he be as patient a lover as Lucius had been? Their shag had been enjoyable, and she knew that had a lot to do with the lust potion she'd taken. Otherwise, she'd have been an awkward, bumbling, nervous wreck. She'd said so many lewd things, some she'd swear to anyone that she'd never even thought of before. He seemed to enjoy it, however, urging her to say more, do more. He had been affectionate with her, but she appreciated that he hadn't been too intimate.

Many times she'd imagined making love with Ron, his eyes holding hers while he slid into her body the first time. It hadn't been anything like that with Lucius. She'd kept her eyes closed for nearly the duration of the first time while his head rested against the pillow next to her head, and the second time, he'd turned her over and pressed her head down, taking her from behind. She couldn't exactly call it intimate, even though he'd done things to her that Ron had only wished to do.

"Oh, Ron," she said sadly. "What will happen with us?"

Before all this had happened, she'd planned on marrying him, having a couple of children, and working her way up at the Ministry...once she finally accepted their job offer, that is. But what did she want now? Could she face him again after she'd given another man her body? Would he be able to simply look at her and tell that she was different somehow?

Harry had noticed a change in her, only he couldn't place exactly what was different about her. Ronald would know. "Shite!" she said suddenly. When they finally would make love...if they ever did...he'd know that he wasn't the first she'd been with. How could she explain that without telling him the truth? No matter what explanation she would give to him, it would hurt him terribly and possibly destroy their relationship altogether. Ron had always been jealous about other men around her...still hated that she received occasional letters from Viktor.

And like magic, the answer came to her. She could tell him that she'd broken her hymen while learning to ride her broom back in first year at Hogwarts. He'd believe it easily enough, and she could attest that it was that which had ultimately made her leery of flying, leaving her unable to perfect the skill. It wasn't as though it couldn't have happened that way. Many accidents caused something similar to happen to young girls.

Wanting to get away from it all, Hermione slid down beneath the thick duvet on her bed, not caring that it was still quite early in the evening. Harry and Ginny could do without her company for one night, couldn't they? In fact, they'd probably prefer a little alone time before Ginny had to leave town again with her team.

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Hermione found herself walking into the candlelit room again, shivering for fear and cold. Each step towards the desk that held the tome seemed to take her further away. The pages on the tome began to flip and turn as the now-familiar breeze swept through the room. Finally, she made it to the desk to see that the ink was still bloody and the script messy. However, the message couldn't have been more clear:

You have given the blood. Your body is next. And after, your soul.

"Yes," said his voice from the doorway.

"You did not tell her everything, old friend." Snape's voice was deathly quiet.

"Stop it! STOP IT!" she screamed over and over.

Hermione woke to find Ginny hovering over her. "All right?" she asked anxiously.

With a nod and a few blinks, the room came into focus for Hermione. "A dream."

"Harry told me you've been plagued by them," Ginny said, sitting next to her and taking her hand. "I'm going to kick Ron's arse for this. I can't believe he's pulled this shite on you and so bloody suddenly!"

Hermione dared not explain that the horrible dreams had nothing to do with Ron's actions, nor that they'd started well before he'd left. "What if he doesn't want me anymore?" she found herself asking.

"Oh, love, he'll come to his senses. I'm sure of it."

What if I don't want him to come to his senses? What if I now know there is something more? "Maybe this is just for the best. I mean... do I really want someone who would treat me like this anyway?" she said, suddenly bitter, the guilt of her own actions egging her on. "One day he's fine, and the next he's not? After he's been meeting with a woman over there!"

"A woman? What are you talking about?" Ginny asked bemusedly.

"He wrote to me to say that the man he was to meet for business was actually a woman. I thought nothing of it then, but not long after that was when he decided to stay there and see the sights and think things over. What if... you know, he fancies her?" And wouldn't that ease her conscience? As much as she'd hate the thought of him making love to someone else, at least it would even the score between them...making her feel less of a harlot. But you had no choice! It would have been him if his arse would have been here! a voice defended. It was right. Why should she take all the blame? She hadn't asked him to go on holiday.

"Hermione, I don't think Ron would ever do that to you." Her eyes moved away from Hermione's. "Well, at least I hope he wouldn't. I just know how much he loves you."

"I just don't know about that," she said softly.

"Don't give up on him. You two have been through so much, and after all those years of not knowing how to tell each other how you truly felt, you finally made it. So what if you have issues? Many couples do!"

"You and Harry don't."

"Yes, Hermione, we do. Trust me."

"All right in here?" Harry asked, entering the room.

"Oh!" Ginny laughed. "She was sleeping when I came in, and I never asked her."

"Asked me what?"

"If you wanted to come down and watch a movie with us."

She ginned. "I thought you two would like some privacy."

Ginny smiled. "You've been gone so much the last few days that we've had more than enough privacy. Come on."

"I'll be there in a moment," she agreed. "Harry, if I could have a word?"

"Sure."

With a small nod, Ginny left them alone. Hermione smiled at her friend's retreating back and was thankful that the girl trusted her and Harry so much. It wasn't every woman who could handle her lover living with another woman.

"What's up?"

"I just wanted to ask you if you heard anything about Ron since we last talked."

"No. Nothing still."

"Draco?"

"Him neither."

"I should write Ron, shouldn't I, Harry?"

He nodded. "Do it, Hermione. For your own good."

She gave him a calculating look. "Are you still too much of an Auror for me to confide in you about Lucius?"

"Meaning could I honestly say that I wouldn't be angry enough to use what you say against him?"

"Yes."

"I don't know that I could honestly say that. I mean, what if you told me that he'd done something like... oh, kill Charlie's dragon? You couldn't expect me to just not do anything about it."

"Never mind then."

"What are you hiding for him, Hermione?"

"Maybe I'm hiding something of my own," she said quietly. "Would you send me to Azkaban, too?"

"You know I wouldn't."

"Then why can't you just agree..."

"Because he's not you."

She sighed in defeat, wishing he weren't so stubborn. And then, she suddenly felt very sentimental. Harry and Ron had always been there for her, and yet, here she was keeping secrets from the both of them, being unfaithful to Ron, having naughty dreams about a dead man, and chalking her reasoning up to it being for a good cause.

With tears in her eyes, she said, "Please tell Ginny I'll be down soon. I want to write to Ron."

"No problem." He backed towards the door. "Things will work out."

Once he closed the door, she moved to the small desk in the corner, grabbed a parchment and pen, and began her letter to Ron.

Ron,

Hermione

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Dawn seemed to break earlier than usual the next morning, and Hermione found herself having a cup of coffee at Malfoy Manor shortly after, wanting to avoid the house before Ginny left (and any long talks that might ensue). Even after a restful night, she felt that her decision to write to Ron was a good one. She had no reason to not attempt to make amends now. She refused to allow the tome to dictate anything else to her.

It had already cost her too much.

"You hear that, tome?" she asked cheekily. "I'm not going to let you bully me around any longer. Stop sending me those bloody dreams. Stop with the cryptic messages." She nodded. "Lucius and I are doing what we can, and that's all we can guarantee."

Feeling better about things, she opened the book to the page she'd last bookmarked, only to find that the text had disappeared. "What the...?"

All the pages before her bookmark were blank, as if no ink had ever graced the stiff, white pages. Many of the pages after the bookmark were filled with odd symbols or were too blurry to read. However, once she got near the end, she found a page with plainly written words.

And she dropped the book.

It landed on its side, but just as she'd seen happen numerous times in her dreams, the book opened and pages turned. It stopped on the page again, and it's horrible words mocked her from below.

You have given the blood. Your body is next. And after, your soul.

The vision of Snape kissing her, wanting to possess her, telling her that she would be his for all eternity fluttered through her mind. No! she screamed internally. My future will be my decision...and that's with Ronald if he'll still have me!

In a fit of rage, she hopped up, kicked the book across the room forcefully, and said, "I will not do it! Sod this!"

She fled Malfoy Manor and went to the only place that could possibly make her feel safe. It took only moments after her distinctive crack of Apparition to draw the house's inhabitants out of the kitchen.

"Mum! Dad!" she said happily, running to them to hug them fiercely. "I needed to see you so badly." Tears began spilling down her cheeks as her pent up emotions got the better of her.

"What's wrong, love?" her mother asked, holding her tightly and rocking her while her father rubbed circles into her back, mumbling softly.

"Everything is just so wrong right now!" she said finally, not letting go. "Ron and I are on the outs, and I made a... Er, I had a horrible dream." She sniffed loudly. "I just don't know what to do."

Her father's voice hummed near her ear. "It's all right, poppet. We're fine. Sometimes I have strange dreams, too, and I wake to realize that it was all just a dream and nothing more."

She nodded and wiped her face, wishing that she could confide in her parents, but she knew that they wouldn't understand. "Maybe I tend to read too much into things sometimes," she said.

Her mother wasn't completely satisfied, however, and asked, "You said that you and Ron are having problems? What's happening?"

"He wants time apart and simply did it without talking to me about it first."

"Have you been arguing?"

"Not really, but before he left, we... er..." Her voice trailed away as she looked up at her father and blushed. "Dad, it's a little..."

"Say no more," he said with a smile. "Female talk."

"Sorry."

"Not a problem. How bout if I pop round to the market and get something you like for breakfast?"

"That would be great, Dad."

"Lovely. I'll be back shortly."

Once he'd gone, Hermione told her mother about the way she'd disappointed Ron. "And it's not like I don't love him, I do, but I just didn't feel right at that time."

"And you shouldn't have to if you don't feel right about it. That should happen when you're ready and not before!"

Hermione cringed internally. She'd not been ready for what had happened with Lucius either, not really, yet she'd done it...for the sake of science.

"You'd think a young man such as Ronald would understand this." She rose and led Hermione to the kitchen where she began to pour each a cup of coffee. "This is very disappointing. I'd had such high hopes for you and him, but this..." Jane Granger shook her head. "If he can't wait for you to be ready, then, honey, he might not be the man for you. This could very well be a sign of some sort."

Signs. Hermione had had many signs lately, but they'd been quite vague and questionable. And for some reason, she now felt something niggling at her mind, wanting to make itself know. But what?

"He does love me, but yes, it is disappointing. This has never bothered him before." She looked away. "We've done things, and he shares a room with me," here she held up her hands, "with separate beds... I want to do more. I want to show him how I feel, and now it's like it's too late." Tears came to her eyes. "I've mucked this right up, haven't I? Now he's off doing who knows what."

"Can you go to him?"

She shook her head. "I don't know exactly where he is. He's been quite vague about it."

"Anyway, you shouldn't have to go traipsing about after someone who isn't quite sure of what he wants anyway. Don't rush into it just because you think you'll lose him. That would be a mistake."

Before Hermione could answer, the telephone interrupted them.

"Who could be ringing this early?" her mother pondered aloud.

As Hermione sipped her coffee, she watched her mother's expressions change drastically, the smile changing from confusion to shock and then to horror.

"I'll be right there, and thank you so much, Mr. Spencer."

"What is it, Mum? All right?"

"Your father! He's been in an accident. Mr. Spencer up the block saw it all happen. Come with me."

Everything that happened next went by so quickly that it all seemed a great blur. According to Mr. Spencer, her father was zipping down the street in his car when a woman with long, blonde hair stepped out from the pavement into his path. Of course her father swerved to miss her, running over a few mailboxes and losing control of the car. When it hit a nearby tree, he somehow smashed into and flew out of the windscreen, landing in a heap nearby.

"And the wretch didn't even come to see if he was all right, and it was all her fault!" he'd said angrily while giving his report to the policemen. "Don't even see her about!"

Jane rode with her husband in the emergency care unit to the hospital while Hermione followed in the other car. According to the last doctor they'd talked to, her father was still in surgery, and the outcome wasn't a very good one.

As she watched her mother pace, it dawned on Hermione that it was her doing, that her father was suffering because of her. "It's all my fault," she whispered dejectedly.

"No, Hermione, don't say it. This was an accident."

"If only I hadn't gone there, he wouldn't have..."

This was the tome's doing, wasn't it? If she hadn't kicked it and told it to bugger off, this wouldn't have happened. Lucius had warned her, and she'd simply brushed that off like a right berk. She would lose her father unless she did something about it quickly.

"Mum, I'm going to go get a few things and come back. Will you be all right?"

"I will, but please, hurry back, honey."

"I promise." She kissed her mother's cheek and quickly left, using her Portkey to Malfoy Manor when she found a private nook in the hospital wing.

The book was just as she'd left it. She approached it purposefully and picked it up. "My father, you did this!" she said to it angrily. "I won't let you take him from me! Leave him be!"

Nothing happened.

"Please. Don't do this."

Still nothing.

"I'll do it. Anything. I swear it." She flipped through its pages looking for a message. "Just don't hurt my daddy."

And then she found it, a page with a message for her: Just a taste of punishment is all it requires to keep you at your tasks?

"Yes, so there is no need to harm him any more, all right? You've my word...again. I fully understand your power now," she said softly, hating that she had to kowtow for a book...for Dark magic.

Then perhaps all will be well, came the reply.

"Thank you."

She gently placed the book on the settee and ran towards the stairwell that would lead her down into the dungeons and to Snape. She had to see him. When she entered his cold room, she immediately went to his bedside and sat upon it, looking down into his lifeless face.

"Professor, what have I got myself into? I was warned, I know, but I truly didn't think that something like this could really happen. I mean I did think it, but then I just didn't worry about it after a while. I was so angry and it's asking things of me and the dreams and..." Her voice trailed away as she realized she was babbling. "I can feel that you hear me somehow. I know you aren't in this body, but you're still here, aren't you?"

She looked up at the ceiling and around the room. "I can't see you, but I can almost feel you." The air did indeed feel thick around her. "The dream I had, what did you mean that I wasn't told everything? Why did you throttle Lucius? Shite!"

Bringing her hands up to her face to cover it, she muttered, "I'm going mad, I think. What if it's all in my head? What if it's not real?"

Peeking through her fingers at him once again, "How do I know you aren't at peace? Will this do more harm to you or make you more miserable than you obviously were before? Help me. Tell me.

"I'm frightened." She sniffed and blinked to stave fresh tears. "My father was hurt today, and it's because of this bloody tome and its orders! What does it mean about wanting my soul, too?"

Hermione sighed. "I wish you could answer me." One of her hands found his ice-cold forehead and then smoothed back a lock of hair. "What will we tell the world, Severus Snape? I admit that I want recognition. It would be nice to be known for something other than being Harry's best friend, you know?

"And it's not like I'm an attention seeker; really I'm not! I guess I just want to keep doing some good in the world and for people to know it's me doing it...for people to look up to me. Wouldn't that be great for all Muggle-borns?"

She laughed. "Things are changing already. Kingsley is doing a great job with the Ministry so far. He's tossing people like Umbridge out on their arses, giving us all a fair chance. My work here, it would be a statement to the wizarding world, and that's important to me."

There was something else she wanted to say. "Will you loathe me, Professor?" She wished that he could respond. Her mind flashed the sight of his fingers around Lucius' throat. "Please don't hurt me. I'm doing this for you, sir, and for those whom I love." And for some reason, she bent forward and pressed a kiss to his colorless, thin lips, as if to seal a bargain.

"I must see to my father now, but I'll start on that crown that I'm to make for you." She paused for a moment. "I guess the apothecary in Diagon Alley should have the henbane. I'll, uh, see you tomorrow."

And she quickly left, feeling oddly at ease. A quick walkthrough of Lucius' home showed her that he wasn't about. She wondered where he'd gone off to, and thought to leave him a note, but she decided against it at the last minute. She didn't want him to show up at the hospital with the words 'I told you so' on his lips. That was the last thing she needed at the moment.

She Portkeyed to Grimmauld Place after checking on the potion's progress, grabbed a few things, and told Harry what had happened. He accompanied her back to the hospital where there was still no news on her father's surgery.

"I'm so sorry, Mrs. Granger. Is there anything you need?" Harry asked worriedly.

"Just being here is enough," she said, taking Hermione's hand. "It's been so long. What are they not telling us?" She lowered her voice. "Is there anything that either of you can do?"

"Mum, I'm scared I might make things worse. I don't know exactly what's wrong or what they've done."

Her mother nodded. "I understand."

A doctor pushed open a set of swinging doors and headed towards them. "Mrs. Granger?"

"Yes."

"I am Dr. Walden." He extended his hand and shook hers, doing the same for Harry and Hermione. "Your husband is stable for the moment, but I'll admit that we had a scare for a moment there. The shard of sharp glass did more harm to him when he went through the windscreen than the actual landing did."

"So he'll be okay then?" Hermione asked, unable to help interrupting.

"I think so, yes, but as with anything else, he'll be here for a few days while he heals so that we can monitor him and make certain nothing else makes itself known." He flashed white, even teeth at them. "I'll let you see him now, and after, I can explain to you exactly what we did. I'm sure you're quite anxious."

Her mother nodded and immediately moved forward. "Yes, I'd like to see him."

"Me too."

"One at a time, all right? There are other patients recovering as well, and the need for quiet is considered necessary, not to mention the small amount of room we have."

"Mum, you go on. Harry and I will wait here."

She watched as her mother followed the doctor through the swinging doors. "Harry, what more could go wrong with my life now?"

"I'll go owl Ron and Mrs. Weasley."

"No," she said, placing a hand on his arm. "I don't want him coming back because he pities me or feels obligated. And don't worry Mrs. Weasley just yet." She smiled. "You're a good friend, you know that."

It wasn't until much later that Hermione brought her mother home, forced her to eat something, and was able to return to Grimmauld Place for a bath and much-needed rest. Exhausted, she fell asleep as soon as she lay on her bed, never making it under the duvet.

Seagulls flying overhead called down to her as the salty scent of the sea made itself known. She smiled and ran forward, the lush green grass giving way to worn trails in the rocky hillside that led to the sandy beach and splashing waves of the ocean. It had been so long since she'd visited the seaside and was happy to find herself there. Once she got down to the bottom, she kicked away her sandals and let her feet dig into the sand, squishing it between her toes.

While she watched him walk away across the sandy beach, her feeling of confusion lifted as the foggy feeling of sleep began to fill her mind. The last thing she remembered before things went dark again for her was that she felt hopeful for the first time in a few days. He wasn't as horrid as she remembered him; he was more like the man she'd seen in his memories. A smile graced her lips.

AN: And, yes, next chapter will give us more Snape finally!