Chapter 23

Disclaimer: Please see chapter one.

Thanks go to the lovely betas in my life, ladyinthecloak and charmed_nay (when she gets a moment), for reading this over.

Hermione stretched and yawned, blinking to bring the darkened room into focus. She’d slept much longer than she’d planned to. “Izzy? Are you there?”

A pop alerted her to the house-elf’s presence. “You is calling Izzy?”

“Why did you not wake me as I asked?”

Izzy’s already bulging eyes widened, and she began to shake her head violently before running full speed and hitting the wall. “I is bad! I cannot!”

“NO! Stop it right now! Please!”

“Izzy is a bad elf!”

“No, you’re not!” Hermione quickly said. “Please…” The elf looked at her, big ears nearly flat against her head. “Well, you brought this warm blanket to cover me with. Thank you.”

“OH! Izzy is bad!” Again, the elf began to punish herself, this time by grabbing a nearby lamp and whacking her body with it.

“Stop it right now!” Hermione said firmly. “Explain yourself!”

“Master is telling Izzy to keep silent. Miss is telling Izzy to talk! Izzy is confused.” The lamp lifted in her hand, but a glare from Hermione had her setting it down. “Master is coming to see Izzy to make sure Izzy is okay.”

“S-Severus was here?” she asked incredulously, looking about to see if anything had changed, embarrassed that he’d caught her in his home.

“Yes.” Her green lips trembled. “I is telling him that Izzy is to wake miss up, but he is telling Izzy to let miss rest.”

“I… Well, it’s okay. I mean, I shouldn’t be here in the first place, so…”

“Miss is wrong. Master said this house is for miss if miss wants it. I is to make miss happy and help miss. I is to be a good house-elf.” She began sobbing loudly.

Hermione rolled her eyes. “Enough! There’s no need for this! It’s not your fault. I… thank you for the blanket at least. Really. I’m not late for anything, all right?”

“Izzy isn’t putting the blanket on miss. Master is doing it, master is taking care of miss and letting miss rest.”

Stunned, Hermione just nodded and clutched the blanket closer. He’d been in the room with her, had covered her… had seen her wearing his shirt to nap in! What had he thought? Part of her wished that he’d woken her. She had so many questions to ask, but would he give her the answers she needed? Was she ready to see him anyway? There was still so much to sort out.

“Did he say anything else?”

The elf fidgeted a little before shaking her head. Hermione was uncertain if Izzy was being honest, but she didn’t want to bring about another self-imposed punishment.

“That will be all. I’m going to get dressed and go home now. I… Izzy, that trunk there, can you open it?”

“Master’s chest is private.”

“But he told you to take care of me, right? It would be a great help to me and what I need if you could do that for me.”

The elf nodded and lifted a hand towards the trunk. A white light shot out of it, and the unclicking of a lock was heard.

“Thank you, Izzy. You’ve been very helpful.”

“Izzy is happy to be helping miss.”

“I’ll see you tomorrow. For now, I need to—“ She realized that she might run into Severus if she returned. “Izzy, is Severus going to be here tomorrow?”

“Master isn’t telling Izzy.”

‘Well, I’ll still try to see you anyway.”

Once the elf popped away, Hermione realized that she’d left her things down below. Had Severus seen the book? Hurriedly, she dressed, levitated the trunk behind her, and took the stairs two at a time to make certain her book was where she’d left it. Spying the book, she breathed a sigh of relief and felt foolish for thinking he’d take it.

After all, didn’t he want her to regain her memories?

She put the book in her beaded bag, shrunk and stuffed the trunk in as well, and left for Grimmauld Place. Upon arrival, Ginny and Ron accosted her, and several questions were shot at her at once.

Holding up her hand, she said, “I did some research and then went to a quiet place to read. Nothing to worry about.”

“I was worried,” Ron said.

“All right then, Hermione?” Ginny asked.

“I’m fine. I had a nap even, so yes.” She grinned and patted her purse. “Got lots to go over.”

“I’ve made dinner,” Ron said.

Ginny coughed.

“You made dinner?”

“Well, I told Kreacher what to do, remembered what Mum did, and you liked it then, so… I thought.”

“Oh, er, I just remembered I have to meet Harry.” Ginny began to back away. “Um, don’t wait up.”

Before Hermione could say anything, her friend was gone, and she had the sinking feeling that this had been planned. “Ron…”

“Come on, Hermione. What’ll it hurt?”

She sighed, nodded, and took the proffered hand, allowing him to lead her to the kitchen where the table had been set for two and candles had been lit. Dismayed, she sat down without a word, frowning slightly.

He sat across from her and said, “Elf-made wine. Kreacher did it. Right good, too!"

“Thanks,” she said, adding, “but we need to talk, Ron.”

“I know. That’s what this is all about.”

He filled their glasses and snapped so that the courses would appear on the table between them. “Lamb chops like Mum makes.” He smiled. “And that Yorkshire pudding, too.”

“You remembered.”

“I, uh, remember a lot of things, Hermione.”

“This won’t work,” she blurted.

His face fell slightly. “I didn’t stop loving you, you know.”

“What of Jeri? Why didn’t things work out?”

“You.”

“Me?”

“I mean, I wanted to try, feeling sorry for her and all, and what with you and Snape being married, but I just couldn’t. She knew she didn’t compare to you.”

“All this time that I’ve been married, I’ve developed feelings for him.”

“I know that,” he said decisively, “and I can even understand it, but now you’ve left him, you’ve seen how he can be. Maybe in time, you might feel that way about me again.”

“I… still love him, and if things happen that—what I mean to say is that I hope we can work things out, Severus and I.”

Ron looked down and began to spoon food onto his plate. “New potatoes are good this way.”

“Did you hear me?”

“Yeah, I did. No need to let all this food go to waste though, right?”

She smiled and reached over to place a hand over his. “I’m sorry. Too much has happened. I don’t think I’ll ever feel that way again.”

“But there’s always hope,” he said, sounding as though he were asking.

Hermione simply shrugged and took a sip of the wine. “This is good.”

“Uh-huh. Told him he should’ve let me know about that sooner.”

They ate in awkward silence for a while before Ron spoke again. “I want to plan something for Harry before the wedding, you know, just for the blokes. Are you going to do the same for Ginny? A hen party? Haven’t heard you mention it.”

Horrified, she said, “Blast! I haven’t thought of the wedding at all! Have they said anything?”

He smirked. “Gin says you two are going to Madam Malkins and… some other place, Muggle, I think, this weekend.”

“That’s news to me.”

“Maybe she hasn’t asked you yet. Don’t tell her I said anything. They don’t want to pressure you, not with all that’s been going on with the git.”

“Why do you love me?”

It was something she had to ask. She needed to know.

“I think I always have, Hermione. You know that.” He grinned, resembling the Ron she’d fallen in love with years earlier. “When I wake up, I wonder what you’re doing, and then I realize that it’s not my business anymore. That makes me feel… like nothing really matters now. Going into business with George, it’s helping him and our family, but it was mainly for us—you and me—so we’d never have to live like Mum and Dad. I just thought… The thing that I wanted to do for us is what ended up tearing us apart. If I hadn’t gone to France to…”

His blue eyes darkened violently, and one of his fists clenched.

It had been a long time since she’d seen him quite so passionate about something, and she wondered if she was making the right decision—choosing Severus. Could she destroy Ron all over again? Harry and Ginny seemed to approve of—no, no, no, she thought firmly, realizing that she’d been down this path once before, and it had cost her some happiness already.

“All right?” she prodded when he drifted into thought for a long time.

“Malfoy’s going to pay for what he’s done.”

“He’s already been paying a little,” she said with a sly smirk. “I think tonight it’s time for a little more payment.” She thought of her Dream Stone and knew it was time to resume her activities. First, she needed to owl Severus and let him know what her plans were and to let him know she did agree with keeping their separation a secret.

“Draco’s doing all right,” Ron said after a moment. “Can’t believe he’d leave all that behind.”

“Sometimes money isn’t everything.”

“When you’ve never had a lot of it, I guess that’s hard to understand.” He shrugged. “The prat’s not like me. I don’t think I could just hide out like this.”

“Everyone handles things differently I expect.”

“Yeah, I guess.” He smirked. “He’s still got a thing for Gabrielle. It’s the Veela in her, and I’ve tried to tell him that, but he won’t listen.”

“Well, what would be so wrong with that? I mean, she’s a little young, but Fleur’s turned out to be all right.”

“She’s of age, only just, and is a small thing, so she looks younger than she is.”

“Why don’t you approve? I wonder…”

“Wonder what?”

“Are you attracted to her, too?”

“No,” he said quickly. “I mean, you know how Veelas affect me, so I think she’s pretty, but I just think he’s got enough to be going on with.”

“Maybe, Ron, he needs something to keep his mind off of his horrible father and mother—who’ve been keeping him drugged against his will.”

“Hadn’t thought of it that way. Maybe she is good for him then.” He wiped his mouth.

“You’ve grown so much, do you know that?”

“What’s that mean?” He patted his stomach. “Trousers still fit the same.”

“You’ve grown in maturity, Ron. I’m… proud of you.”

“Thanks, love.”

She pushed her plate away. “I’ve had enough, I think. It was delicious, and for what it’s worth, I’m sorry that things haven’t worked out how you thought they might.”

“‘S all right. Never know how that might turn out, right?”

Hermione stood and left, giving him a small, tight smile as she did so, but her heart felt heavy, and she wished that Ron wouldn’t be hurting on her account. She also decided to ask Harry and Ginny to stop feeding his hopes. She didn’t need their meddling, even though they obviously meant well.

After settling down in her room, she took the book and Severus’ trunk from her purse. Fighting the desire to open either immediately, she instead penned a letter to her ex-husband and allowed Pig to deliver it for her. When he didn’t flit right back in as he had the last time, with a reply from Severus, she was a little disappointed.

No quick response meant he wasn’t nearby. She hadn’t expected him to be, not really. Not waking her at his house meant that he wasn’t ready to talk to her. She would give anything to know what he’d thought upon seeing her. Had he looked down at her with love and longing… or disappointment? Both, likely.

Why was there no charm to simply right her memories? Why would she have chosen such a fate for himself? Growling, she opened the book, willing it to bring forth a memory—any memory. When nothing happened, she felt like crying out in frustration.

“I’m just fucking everything up!” she said aloud bitterly and quickly brought a hand to her mouth. “Swearing on top of everything!” Ron had rubbed off on her.

Ron… the first time she’d kissed him had been when he’d finally shown the compassion she thought all beings should feel, something she’d thought he lacked until his worry over the Hogwarts house-elves. Before that point, he’d always seemed so thick, and she hadn’t really…

“Severus, I have to do this. I’m sorry.”

“You stand there and tell me that you choose Weasley? Weasley, whom you’ve ranted about nearly every day you’ve been in my company? Weasley, whom you do NOT love.”

“Make no mistake, I do love him.”

“But not the way you care for me. I’ve seen it in your eyes.”

“You used Legilimency on me?”

“You daft… I’m saying that you are readable, and you’re honest if nothing else. How many times have you told me that you hope things work out for us?”

“And how many times have you pushed me away? How many times have you said that I deserve better?” She shook her head. “Look, my parents wouldn’t approve. They think that Ron is the boy I’m going to marry.”

“They don’t think anything about you! You’ve taken their memories!”

She slapped him soundly on the face, surprising them both. She stepped back quickly as he advanced on her and gripped her wrist tightly.

“Don’t strike me… ever again.”

“I didn’t mean… I’m sorry.” She wrenched her wrist away from him and wiped at the tears on her cheeks. “You’re clouding my judgement on everything. I can’t do it. How can I be there for Harry and help him thoroughly if you’re on my mind? I can’t even make logical decisions for fear that you’ll be in jeopardy! We’ve done what we set out to do, and now we have to put aside what we feel.” She sniffed loudly before continuing. “And Ron, he’ll come into his own one day. He’s still learning, still growing. You’ve had a lifetime of experiences that he can’t—”

“Ah, so it is about age then. I told you repeatedly that the age difference would matter, and you reassured me that it wouldn’t, so despite my reservations, I gave in. What a fool I’ve been! Lies then?”

“No! You’re twisting my words around.”

“Silence! Someone is coming!” He pushed her down behind his desk and stood before it just as the door burst open.

“Snape,” Amycus wheezed, “that fucking Longbottom. We’ve got to do somethin’ about him!”

“Unable to deal with a child, Amycus?”

“Oi, he’s run off again. Can’t find the pillock! Sent a hex at Alecto, hit her right in the back afore he run off!”

“Tell Filch. He’ll know where to look and will send his cat out to scout.”

“When are you going to do something?”

“I am waiting for word from the Dark Lord tonight. Shouldn’t I be here if he calls on me?”

“He’s off on the continent!”

“But for how long?”

The dumpy man nodded. “Right. I’ll see Filch then.”

“Very well,” Severus said, adding, “and if you do catch the little wanker, let him know that his grandmother shall be getting a visitor from our associates very soon.”

“Aye, that’ll teach the brat.”

“Indeed.”

The man stormed out, slamming the door behind him, and Hermione rose.

“I’m so glad that Neville’s keeping them on their toes like this.”

Severus nodded. “Not just Longbottom either.”

“I know.” She frowned and moved to hold him tightly. “I do love you, Severus, you know that, but some things are more important than my happiness, and to be honest, I think if I weigh my future, then our parting ways now would be the best for all of us.” Trying to steady her voice, she added, “I know I have your love, and you have mine. But sometimes we need more than love. I want to be loved, but I want to be happy and have a content life. I want things to be conflict free. I’ve had enough of this bloody war and all the fighting.”

“I could give you the life that you want. I could see to it that you live happy and comfortable for the rest of your life. Why should we care what others think?”

“You will be free of all of this and can start over. I’ll… I’ll do what I always knew I would. I hadn’t counted on falling in love with you, and I will never regret it.”

“Of course you won’t! You opt to not remember it!”

“It’s for the best—for both of us.”

“You don’t believe that.”

“I do!”

“I wish you’d never found that fucking book!”

“Then we wouldn’t have finished the potion.”

“Hermione…” His voice caught as he fought to school his expression.

She sucked in a deep breath. “I’ve got to go. I’ll be missed.”

“I… Please.”

This caused her to pause and tear up anew. She’d never imagined he would ever beg her for anything. Yet here he was, begging to be a part of her life.

Before she could change her mind, she backed away, donning Harry’s cloak. “I’m sorry.”

As fast as she could, she fled his office and ran for the library. She’d have to leave clues in case she wanted to jog her memory later… just in case this was a big mistake.

“So that’s when I told him I wanted to end things, that I wanted to erase my feelings for him from my memories,” she said softly, gazing towards the window and the dark sky beyond. “That must have been right before I saw Ginny in the library.”

A fog lifted. “He didn’t proclaim his love very often, but he always went on about how he could make me happy and give me a content life. It’s what he thought I wanted to hear, yet all this time I…”

The feelings of confusion and heartbreak that she’d felt during that conversation filled her mind and soul. That had been the hardest thing she’d ever done, despite the firm stance she’d taken when talking to him. And it was no wonder she’d been feeling like a fool for her decision when Ron had had his tantrum and had abandoned them. She’d made the wrong decision for all the right reasons. Well, right wasn’t exactly the best word, was it?

To defend herself, she knew that she’d needed to concentrate on helping Harry and that it should have been her top priority. Worrying about Severus as well had been a drain on her. But what a ridiculous way to go about things! Why this way? It was a very selfish thing to do, now that she thought about it. It felt as though she’d only been worrying about herself—how she felt, how she would deal with things.

“Poor Severus, how hard that must have been!”

Her eyes once again moved to the trunk. Dare she open it? If opening it was the right thing to do, why did she feel so guilty about it? Why had he left it at their home? If it were so important to him, he would have guarded it better, given Izzy specific instructions to keep it safe from everyone.

“Maybe he wants me to open it. Maybe it holds the key.”

As she reached over for it, the Dream Stone caught her attention. It lay proudly on her bedside table, waiting to be useful. Thinking of Ron’s hurt expression, she knew it was time to use it again. How she wished things could be much simpler. Grasping it in her palm, she lay back on the bed and closed her eyes. Immediately, she could feel its smooth surface heat and vibrate slightly, the hum of its magic tingling against her skin.

In her mind, she tried to reach out for Lucius Malfoy several times. When she couldn’t connect to him, she realized that he was likely awake. Instead her mind thought of Severus and wondered if he’d given Lucius anything else to help him sleep.

Severus.

She felt his presence and knew that she need only imagine the scenario and meeting with him would be hers. Would it be wrong to do this to him? She reasoned that it would only be returning the favor. Had he not allowed Lucius to do this? Had he not done it himself from the Otherworld with Lucius’ help?

Suddenly, she found herself walking along a lonely stretch of beach, sand and shells beneath her bare feet, the tide flowing in towards her a little more with each step she took, wetting her ankles and toes. Severus waited for her atop a large, flat rock that overlooked the sea.

Hermione floated over to him as if she were light as a cloud and sat beside him, smiling happily. “I’ve found you,” she said.

“So you have.”

His tone was clipped and she knew he was angry. “I shouldn’t have come, but…”

“Why have you come?”

“I wanted to see you. There is so much that I want to ask, so much I need to know.”

Severus shook his head. “You will have to find out those things on your own.”

“Can’t you just—”

“No!” he said sharply. “You wanted it this way, so that’s how you’ll get it.”

“You owe me!”

“Yes, and you seem to like pointing that out, don’t you? Will you always throw this into our conversations? What I’ve done is wrong, but what you did… How could I not? It was the only way!”

“It wasn’t the only way. You could have… or you could…”

“There was no way. You saw to that when you fucked with your head!”

With that he stood and began to walk away.

“You can’t leave!” she said. “I control this dream. Please come back and talk to me. I didn’t mean to sound so… harsh. I’m just confused.”

“Maybe you aren’t the only one who is. Leave me be, and don’t use my own Stone against me again—for selfish reasons.”

“Selfish? How dare you!”

“Yes, selfish! You aren’t here because you miss me or want me. You’re here because you want answers to your bloody questions! Questions you already know the answers to, yet have hidden them away.”

“I do miss you.” This was said in a broken whisper. “I just need time.”

“By all means,” he said, turning away and disappearing.

She could feel that the connection was broken. He’d left the dream and had woken up. How had he managed that? Why wouldn’t the Dream Stone work against him? His Occlumency skills alerted him somehow? What surprised her even more was his bitterness. From what Izzy had told her, he’d wanted her cared for. That had given her a measure of comfort. But this? He seemed acerbic… and very hurt. What had she done? She’d lost him, hadn’t she? “Dear God, let me just piece this together and rebuild what we had together. Please.”

He was right about it all, wasn’t he? This was her doing. If she’d been the woman she should have been all along, she would have fought to be with the man she loved, not the man everyone thought she should love and would approve of. In all fairness, she had loved Ron—still did on some level—but with Severus…

As she turned over to think about things, she murmured, “I’m sorry, Severus,” and meant it with all of her heart. A vision overtook her.

Professor Snape lay on the rotting, wooden floor of the Shrieking Shack, his blood pooling around his head and upper body. Her heart thudded heavily in her chest as she watched her friend put the man’s memories in the bottle she’d conjured. There was something that she couldn’t quite put her finger on, but part of her wanted to throw herself down to the floor next to him and beg him to stay alive. He’d killed Dumbledore, and yet… she couldn’t hate him, didn’t consider him evil. There had to be something redeeming about him. It seemed that he wanted to help Harry after all, asking him to take the memories and wanting to look into his eyes.

When Professor Snape exhaled his last breath and drifted into death, she knew a moment of extreme mourning. No one deserved such a fate after all. However, Voldemort’s high-pitched voice pulled her away from that, instilling her with fear and horror. There was work to be done. As she and Ron ran for the exit, she stopped once to look back at her old professor’s body, fighting the urge to go to him and deciding to carry on with her duty in helping Harry to the end—whatever end that may be.

Sobs wracked her body as she remembered again Severus’ death and how she’d felt. It was the same way she’d always remembered it, but now it meant something more to her. Her subconscious had practically been screaming out to her that it hadn’t just been her old Potions master who’d been dying before her but a part of her soul—the only man she would ever truly love so deeply that she’d give part of herself to if she had to in order to bring him back from death… from the Otherworld.

Which was exactly what she’d done ultimately, though she’d not done it all on her own. And was it all worth it? Yes. He lived and breathed again. Would she do it all again to save his life? Yes.

And then it all came flooding back to her—every single thing she’d forgotten.

AN: More up soon! :)