Chapter 24

Chapter 24

Ginny and Hermione spent most of Sunday afternoon in the library, looking at different charms that might be suitable for their purpose. Ginny didn't seem impatient to be done with their research, even after several frustrating hours; when Hermione commented on her persistence, she merely smiled and whispered, "Well, this is a useful charm we're looking for, you know? Not like most of the spells we learn – I mean, really, I've never had a particular need for a Switching Spell, have I? And even the ones that later turn out to be useful generally don't seem particularly relevant when I'm actually learning them."

Stifling a laugh, Hermione said softly, "You never know what information is going to turn out to be useful, Ginny. Why do you think I'm always so desperate to know things?"

Ginny grinned and whispered back, "Well, since you know mostly everything, anyway, why should I need to? I can always ask you, can't I?"

Hermione rolled her eyes and returned her attention to her book. Ginny resumed reading as well, and the two worked quietly for a while. The silence was only occasionally punctuated by the sound of a book closing and another being opened, or when one or the other of them went to look for a new book that had been mentioned in one of the books they already had.

At last, Hermione found it – an even better choice than what they had originally been looking for. It was a spell that allowed one to understand a person's true feelings and beliefs, rather than getting distracted by whatever they might actually say. A rather useful spell, Hermione thought ruefully – so many relationship problems seemed to occur due to misunderstandings and miscommunications.

"Ginny, look!" Hermione whispered, containing her excitement as best she could so as not to attract attention from Madam Pince. She pushed the book across the table to her friend and pointed at the page. "The Fides fidelis charm allows one to understand a person's true feelings on a matter, regardless of what they actually say or do. It's cast by the person who wants to understand what someone actually thinks, and it works only if there's a close, positive relationship between them, and it wears off after only a few minutes. I suppose that explains why it never came up as particularly useful for the war," she thought aloud. Returning to her current purposes, she said, "Anyway, this is perfect. Well, as long as the relationship Severus and I have is close enough, and assuming he still feels positively toward me despite his current behavior," she added, frowning. "Although, if it doesn't work, I suppose that would tell me something, wouldn't it?"

Ginny frowned, too, although apparently for a different reason. "I thought we were trying to help you believe he loves you, not to read between the lines of what he says."

Hermione countered, "If you're right, Ginny, and he really does love me, it'll have the same effect. And if you're wrong ... look, isn't it better that I just know the truth, whatever it is? That way, I won't be worrying that I'm misreading things because of the spell."

Ginny seemed to tacitly acknowledge the point; instead of pursuing that issue, she asked, "What if he doesn't know what he really feels, deep down? Does it allow one to recognize truths that the speaker hasn't yet acknowledged?"

Hermione frowned, pulling the book back across the table. "It seems it should, doesn't it? Otherwise, they'd call it a Deception Detecting Charm or something like that ... Fides fidelis means 'true belief,' if I remember my Latin correctly ..." She perused the book for a few moments, turned a page, then said, "It says right here that if one wants to know one's own true thoughts, to either ask a friend to ask questions about the topic at hand, or to have a charmed mirror do it for you. So, it would seem that it should get at Severus's true feelings, even if he hasn't yet admitted them to himself."

"So you'd cast it on yourself, then, at the moment you need it?" Ginny asked. Apparently, it was her turn to ponder aloud, as she continued thoughtfully, "It's probably good that it wears off quickly and only works between close friends. You certainly don't want to walk around understanding what everyone really thinks, do you? Or to have everyone able to know what you really think?" She shuddered at the thought, and Hermione realized that she certainly wouldn't want either of those to happen at all. It would be awful to know if people were thinking what a disaster her hair was, or that she was a terrible teacher, or that they hated her for something she had inadvertently said or done. Or worse, if she learned that they were secretly thinking nasty thoughts about one of her friends ... And although she was usually pretty forthcoming with her own opinions, there were times when it was just better to keep one's thoughts private.

Shuddering, Hermione said, "No, I wouldn't like that at all." She caught sight of Madam Pince glaring and added, "Let's check this book out and take it somewhere else to review it more carefully."

Ginny readily agreed, so they quickly returned the other materials to the re-shelving area, checked out the book in question, and after consulting quickly in the hallway, headed for the Room of Requirement.

Severus sat in his sitting room, staring at the book in his lap without really seeing it. Hermione seemed so unhappy lately, and he just couldn't manage to make himself get off the fence he was so uncomfortably straddling. He knew he ought to just let her go, but no matter how he tried, he still couldn't make himself do it.

On the other hand, he didn't know how to tell her what was going through his head. It was all so messy and jumbled up that he didn't understand it himself. Obviously, she was important to him in some way – otherwise, ending their nascent relationship wouldn't be so difficult.

And yet, he didn't feel the way he had when he had fallen in love with Lily all those years ago. Or at least, he hadn't until the past couple of weeks. With Lily, he had always been on tenterhooks, from the very first moment he had realized he loved her. He had realized only later that he had been waiting for her to discover his not-entirely-charming side, and to decide to stop wasting her time with him. Which, of course, she eventually had.

With Hermione, on the other hand, things were different – or at least they had been until the awkwardness of the past couple of weeks. He had been comfortable with Hermione – he had simply been himself around her. There was a true freedom in being with someone who had seen you at your worst long before discovering there was also something good underneath it all. He simply hadn't had to worry that she would discover he could be a sarcastic, nasty git. She had known that since she was eleven years old, and any doubts she may have had on the matter were certainly erased in her fourth year, with his nasty comment after Malfoy's spell had enlarged her teeth.

Unfortunately, the sense of comfort he had felt with Hermione had disappeared once he had realized that people were watching them, waiting for her to come to her senses and say it had all been a big joke. They were laughing at him – snickering behind their hands all the time – and he simply couldn't tolerate it. And now that she was realizing what it meant to be with a miserable bastard like himself, he could only hope that she would be kind when she ended it, as she certainly would at any moment.

Still, he wished there was some way to show her how important she was to him – even if he didn't love her like he loved Lily. Maybe if he could do that, they could eventually go back to being friends. They could have long conversations about subjects that no one else seemed to understand, and they could sit together at meals, and everything could go back to normal.

At least, he realized suddenly, until she found someone else. Which she certainly would – Severus simply couldn't believe she wouldn't run across someone, sometime (probably soon), who would realize what a gem she was, and snap her up. She would be married and having babies before he knew it.

The very idea of it made him feel rather nauseated. It would ruin everything if she found a new lover. Her career would take a backseat to her marriage and her children, and even if it didn't, she would no longer have time to waste with him, would she? Certainly, this as-yet-unidentified man wouldn't want her to spend hours alone with Severus in his private lab, making potions and talking about the latest research in Charms or Arithmancy. And the unworthy cretin, whoever he might be, would most likely want to have Hermione to himself at meals, not spend hours listening to Hermione try to convince Severus that wand waving needn't always be foolish.

Things would most certainly be ruined.

And, as usual, it would be all his fault, he realized. If only he could bring himself to talk to her – to tell her what she meant to him – to make her understand that just because he didn't love her the way she wanted him to, that didn't mean she wasn't important to him or that he could imagine being without her.

Perhaps he should take Veritaserum, he thought, then immediately dismissed the idea. He was concerned that the truth he would express would only make things worse. Who, after all, wanted to hear the person she thought herself in love with say, "I'm not in love with you, and I never will be, but I really want you to stay with me anyway because I'm a selfish bastard and I need you."

No, he would just have to find a way to talk to her without any magical help.

Ginny and Hermione stayed in the Room of Requirement until Ginny's curfew drew near. After all, when they were hungry, the Room provided a lovely meal, and when they were thirsty, butterbeer or water or pumpkin juice would appear. When they needed a loo, a door appeared in the far wall.

So Hermione was able to focus on teaching herself the spell. It turned out to be rather tricky. If the wand movements were off even the slightest bit, either nothing at all happened, or the spell got twisted into something far less useful. They discovered this latter effect when Ginny, who was playing the role of conversation partner, tried to say, "I love my brother Ron," while thinking "My brother Ron is a pain in the arse, but I love him anyway." Unfortunately, Hermione heard quite clearly, "My brother Ron has a lovely arse, and anyway, I'm in love with him." Fortunately, the spell didn't block her from hearing what Ginny actually said, in addition to the unspoken feeling.

Hermione quickly said, "Finite Incantatem," then collapsed in a fit of giggles as she told Ginny what she had heard.

The next one was even funnier, when Ginny said, "There's no love lost between Harry and Severus," and Hermione distinctly heard, "Severus is Harry's long-lost love."

After several more tries, in which equally silly thoughts came through, Hermione finally got it right. Then, at last, Ginny said, "Professor McGonagall is a true Slytherin." When Hermione also heard, "Professor McGonagall is a true Gryffindor," she thought she might have it.

Then, Ginny said, "Severus Snape hates you," and Hermione heard, "Severus Snape is in love with you, even though he won't admit it." Since she knew for sure that Ginny believed that to be true with all her heart, she decided she had it down.

Hermione practiced it several more times, to ensure that she would get it right at the critical moment. After all, it wouldn't do to misread Severus's deepest thoughts about her, would it? At least, not any more than she perhaps already had.

The next morning, Severus brooded while he tried to focus on the essays he was trying to mark. He had woken before dawn and slipped from Hermione's room without waking her, sure that he wouldn't sleep anymore himself, and not wanting to disturb her.

Hermione hadn't been at breakfast, which had made him wonder if she was angry that he had left without saying anything. As he thought about it, he realized she had seemed distracted when he had come to find her last night after completing his rounds. Now, he hoped she was all right. He knew she had been feeling the strain of what was wrong between them, but he really hoped she wasn't making herself ill with worry.

Of course, the way things were between them at the moment, she probably wouldn't tell him if she were hit with an Unforgivable.

Even as he had the thought, the door opened, and she peered around it warily, asking, "Are you busy?"

He looked quickly back at his papers, lest she see the longing in his eyes. He thought, I'm never too busy for you, but what came out was "As you see," with a gesture toward the papers scattered across his desk.

She didn't respond right away, and for an awful moment, he thought he had driven her away, but when he looked up, she was grinning at him. Had he said something funny? Frowning in confusion, he asked, "What are you doing here?" Belatedly, he realized that once again he had been rude, but strangely, her grin widened.

She said, "I just wanted to come and say good morning, since I missed you at breakfast."

He frowned. "You need to take care of yourself, Hermione. With your schedule, you cannot be skipping meals. I didn't see you at dinner last night, either."

He was perplexed when her response to that was to cross the room, lean across his desk, and kiss him firmly. "Oh, Severus," she said happily, looking him straight in the eye. "I do love you!" And then, before he could formulate a response, she was gone.