Chapter 23

Chapter 23

The following week was as bad as Severus had feared it would be. Every time he turned around, it seemed, students were watching him and whispering behind their hands. Sometimes, at meals, he felt their eyes on him and Hermione, and then he heard them giggling.

He couldn't hear what they were saying, of course – no one was foolish enough to let him overhear their comments – but he was certain they were nasty, just the same. Every now and then he caught a word here or there (usually "dance" or "Granger," accompanied by sideways glances or puzzled looks), and once he had even heard almost an entire question (" ... she be thinking?"). All in all, it was enough to persuade him that he had been right to fear that people would gossip about him – that they would laugh at him.

And there was nothing he could do about it. Oh, he deducted points and gave detention and sneered and stalked about and anything else he could think of, but he knew that to confront it outright would only make it worse. So he pretended he hadn't heard anything and didn't know what was going on, and that the points and the detentions were for other, ordinary rule infractions.

The professors were only slightly better than the students. They didn't whisper or laugh or any of that – at least not in front of him. No, they just stared at him, some with curiosity, others with what looked like worry. Dumbledore and Minerva, in particular, seemed very concerned.

Minerva had even tried to talk to him once, apparently trying to reassure him that he had a right to try to be happy with Hermione or anyone else he chose, but he had simply stared at her, saying nothing, until she gave up and went away. No matter what she or anyone else thought, he knew he didn't deserve Hermione, and the sooner he got used to the idea, the better.

He found himself withdrawing further and further into his isolation. Sometimes, he wished he could bring himself to just end things with Hermione completely, to spare them both the agonizingly slow death of feeling that was sure to come. But, to his everlasting self-disgust, he couldn't quite manage to make himself to do it.

Instead, he just found himself getting more and more quiet. Where once, he had enjoyed stimulating conversations at meals, now those same meals were gradually overtaken by an awkward, heavy, pervasive silence. Where once, she had stopped by his classroom or his lab whenever she had time, now his cool welcomes and unhappy demeanor seemed to have driven her away.

The only thing that he couldn't make himself do was stop making love to her. After last Saturday, and his awkward silence in response to her declaration of love, she hadn't said it again. At least, not until he dragged it out of her by making love to her until she couldn't stop herself. He had tried to tell himself it was better that she didn't say it, considering how awkward it was each time, when he said nothing in return, but he found that he was driven to make her say it. And she always did, eventually.

Then, halfway through the week, she had stopped coming to his quarters at night. He had tried to tell himself it was for the best, that she was tiring of him sooner than expected, that it was better this way. He hadn't even lasted half an hour before he had gone to her, half-expecting that she would have closed her Floo connection. But she hadn't. She had welcomed into her room and into her bed, and he had made love to her until she was gasping out her declarations of love.

And he had continued to go there, telling himself that he shouldn't – that he should just let her go. He still couldn't make himself do it, though, and she never attempted to keep him out. Still, he could feel the desperation starting to take him, as though he knew that any day now, she would tell him to go away and never come back. As though he knew he needed to brand her into his soul now, while he had the chance.

He could see the unspoken questions in her eyes, could feel the weight of her awkward attempts to reach him – to make him talk to her. To get back the easy comradery they had had before their dancing had exposed their relationship to the whole Hogwarts community. But he didn't respond – he couldn't, because he still had no idea what he would say to her, even if he could have gotten a word past the lump of pure, unadulterated fear that was blocking his throat.

And the worst of it was, after a week of this increasingly awkward combination of strained silence and desperate passion, he still had no idea what he would do without her.

On Saturday, Hermione sat at a corner table in Three Broomsticks, across from Ginny, and tried to focus on the conversation. She had been getting so little sleep for the past week that she was tired and out of sorts, but it wasn't Ginny's fault, and she didn't want to take her fear and frustration out on her friend.

Severus had grown increasingly distant over the past week. She could feel him slipping away from her, and nothing she did to try to bring him back had any effect whatsoever. He just grew colder and further away as the days went by, and she was running out of ideas to get through to him.

Worse, she was starting to question whether Harry had been right all along. Maybe Severus had simply taken advantage of the feelings she had thrown at his feet, and now he was tiring of her. At least, outside of bed.

He still made love to her every chance he got – if anything, his passion in that arena had grown more intense. And, much to her embarrassment, he seemed determined to make her say she loved him every single time. She didn't understand why, since he was obviously uncomfortable when she did say it, but it was the only thing that made sense of his behavior. After his non-response last Saturday, she had decided she wouldn't say it again unless he said it first – after all, she didn't want to make him feel awkward just because he didn't return her feelings. But his response to her reticence, rather than the silent gratitude she had expected, had been to keep making love to her until she finally couldn't hold back anymore. The words would escape her, and for just a moment, he would seem satisfied before that awkward, awful silence would descend again.

She no longer went to his lab during the day, and after a number of meals taken in total silence, she had stopped eating in the Great Hall altogether. Instead, she asked Dobby or one of the other house-elves to bring her sandwiches or soups or whatever was simple, or sometimes she just popped into the kitchens herself. Her appetite was non-existent, anyway, and it only got worse when she sat in silence next to him, pretending everything was fine. So, she reasoned, why put herself through unnecessary torture?

Now, Hermione realized Ginny had stopped talking and was looking at her curiously. "Hermione, are you all right?" she asked, sounding concerned. "You've hardly said a word all day, and you barely even looked at anything in any of the shops – not even the bookstore. And you didn't eat much of your stew, and now you haven't even touched your chocolate-pumpkin pasty, which I know you love."

"I'm not very hungry," Hermione said softly and, to her dismay, she felt her eyes fill with tears. She took a deep breath, trying to bring herself back under control.

But then Ginny said, "Oh, Hermione," and her tone was so sympathetic that Hermione started crying in earnest.

Ginny said, "Let's get out of here. We'll go somewhere private, and you can tell me what's wrong."

Hermione nodded morosely. "Okay," she sniffed. They left some coins on the table, and Ginny grabbed Hermione's chocolate-pumpkin pasty ("in case you want it later," she said, although Hermione couldn't imagine wanting to eat anything anytime soon). Hermione forced herself to focus long enough to Apparate them both to the gate outside Hogwarts, since Ginny didn't yet have a license, but Ginny suggested that they should head down to the lake instead of going right inside. Since Hermione wanted to minimize the chances of running into anyone, she readily agreed.

They sat in silence, staring at the water for a long time. Hermione found the area soothing – she always had, really – and after awhile, without any prompting from Ginny, she said, "I'm in love with Severus."

"Okay," Ginny said cautiously, when Hermione didn't continue. "How long have you been in love with him?"

"I don't know, really," Hermione said. "A while, I guess. I was attracted to him last spring, before the Leaving Feast. I didn't even know what it was, at first." The entire story of their strange courtship came pouring out of her, and Ginny listened quietly, nodding and murmuring sympathetically.

When Hermione got to how things had changed in the past week, she began to cry again. She finished on a sob. "I should never have told him I loved him. I should have known he didn't love me and wouldn't want me to love him."

Ginny conjured her a handkerchief, then slipped an arm around Hermione's shoulders. "Oh, Hermione," she said, "I can't believe I didn't know any of this before."

"I'm sorry, I should have told you," Hermione said, feeling guilty. Ginny was her best girlfriend, after all – if you couldn't talk to your best girlfriend, who could you talk to?

"No, that's not what I meant," Ginny said. "I just meant that you shouldn't have to be dealing with all this on your own." She paused. After a moment, she asked, "What do you think changed?"

"What do you mean?" Hermione asked. "I just told you, he's distancing himself, and any day now, he's going to dump me for good. I don't know how I'm supposed to stay here at Hogwarts once that happens."

"No, I know he's distancing himself, but what I'm asking is, what changed that made him start doing that? It's obviously not that you told him you loved him – you told him that weeks ago, so saying it again, no matter how awkward it is, wouldn't make a difference, would it?"

"I guess not," Hermione said, considering the point for the first time. She had been so wrapped up in misery that she hadn't considered it might be something else. His awkward silence every time she said it had blinded her to the fact that, the first time she had said it, he had actually seemed happy about it.

Ginny added, "And if he really didn't want to hear it, why would he keep making you say it?"

"I don't know," Hermione said quietly. "All I know is, everything changed after the dance. God, I was so stupidly happy that night. The way he looked at me while we were dancing, I half-believed that maybe he really did love me, after all. I should have known better."

"Maybe not," Ginny said, sitting up straight suddenly. "Maybe that's the problem. You weren't the only one who thought he was in love with you – I said as much to Harry, and that's been the gossip all week. Maybe he's really just feeling exposed, and he doesn't know how to handle it. Once he gets used to it, things will go back to the way they were before."

"I doubt it," Hermione said glumly. "Why should a little gossip affect the way he treats me when we're alone? No," she said. "He just doesn't love me, and he's looking for a way out. Maybe I should just do it for him – let him off the hook."

"That's a terrible idea, Hermione," Ginny protested vehemently. "I mean, it's one thing if you don't want him – in that case, it would be only fair for you to tell him instead of stringing him along. But you do want him, don't you? So why should you make it easy for him to leave you?" Ginny didn't wait for a response; she answered her own question. "You shouldn't. No, if he doesn't want to be with you, he needs to come right out and say so. But I really don't think that's it. He was only in love once before, as far as anyone knows, and everyone knows that ended badly. So maybe the problem is, he's in love with you, which is making him completely freaked out, and he's trying to stem the gossip before it gets any worse."

"I guess," Hermione said, but she doubted it. She didn't point out that it seemed a bit of an exaggeration to say that 'everyone' knew about his doomed relationship with Harry's mum, since that wasn't really the point. "But why would he be freaked out about being in love with someone who is very clearly in love with him? One would think he would be happy about that. No, it's much more likely that he's trying to spare my feelings by not telling me that he's never going to be in love with me the way I want him to." She paused, trying to think. "And suppose the gossip is the problem? There's nothing I can do to change it, anyway, so maybe I should just accept that it's over and move on."

"Well, maybe that's not entirely true," Ginny said, with a sudden sparkle in her eye. "What if we give him what he thinks he wants?"

"What? What does that mean?"

"Well, he probably thinks everything would be just fine if people stopped gossiping about him, right?"

"Yeah, I guess so," Hermione said. "Assuming, that is, that he's not really just getting tired of me and wishing I would go away."

"He wouldn't keep coming to see you if that was the case," Ginny said dismissively.

"Maybe he would if he really just likes the sex," Hermione said baldly.

"Stop it, Hermione. His behavior suggests that this is anything but casual for him. He seems to want it to be nothing important, but it is anyway. If you put your hurt aside and think about it, you'll realize I'm right. Think, Hermione."

"Okay, okay, I'm thinking. What exactly do you want me to think about?"

"Okay, you told me he wanted to wait to get involved because he thought you didn't really love him, right?"

"Yes ..."

"And then he couldn't wait as long as he planned before he got involved anyway, right?"

"Yeah, I guess so."

"And he seemed perfectly content to spend time with you when it was just the two of you – and it wasn't just sex, either – you told me you spent hours talking about all sorts of things."

"Yeah." Hermione was starting to think that Ginny might be on the right track, after all.

"And even when being with you required him to be civil to Harry, who he hates, he did it, didn't he?"

"Well, yes, or at least, he tried."

"Right. So then Dumbledore threw that dance, and he danced with you all night, even though no one ever saw him dance before, so none of us would have been surprised, and you wouldn't even have been all that upset, if he had just done what he always did before and stayed on the sidelines. Right?"

"Right." Hermione reached her own conclusion. "So you're saying that, once he had basically gone public with his feelings for me, he felt horribly exposed and vulnerable, and then he started hearing gossip, which made him fear that everyone was laughing at him or soon would be, since he never had a chance to get fully convinced that I really love him and that I'm really not going to leave him."

"Exactly," Ginny said, beaming at Hermione now that she had gotten her point across. "And his way of dealing with that fear is to try to distance himself emotionally, on the theory that if you do leave him, it won't hurt so much. But the thing is, he keeps making you say you love him because he needs the reassurance."

"Okay," Hermione said. "I'm still not convinced that he actually loves me, but I'll admit that's a possible explanation. The problem is, I'm still not sure what to do about it."

"Well," Ginny said, "It seems to me that the first thing to do is to turn the gossip somewhere else."

"Oh, like that's such a simple thing to do," Hermione said sarcastically.

"Actually, it's surprisingly easy," Ginny said, shrugging. "All we have to do is come up with something juicier for people to talk about."

"Like what?" Hermione asked. "It doesn't get much juicier than the 'heartless' Severus Snape apparently wearing his heart on his sleeve, does it?"

"Ah, but you're forgetting – there's one person we know who's a true celebrity."

"Who?" Ginny just pointedly raised her brows and waited. Realizing, Hermione asked, "You mean Harry? You want to start gossip about Harry?"

"Sure, why not? It's not like he's even here, so it probably won't even get back to him."

Hermione couldn't believe how casually they were discussing starting rumors about Harry – or that she was seriously considering it. Cautiously, she asked, "Exactly what kind of gossip do you want to spread about Harry?"

"Well, it has to be about his love life. Nothing else is nearly as interesting as that." She thought for a minute. "I know!" she exclaimed. "We'll spread gossip that Harry has suddenly realized he's in love with you, and he's trying to take you away from Snape."

"What?! No, Ginny, that's a terrible idea. No one would believe it, anyway."

"They will when they see the way Harry's going to court you."

"But Harry's not going to court me."

"But only you and I will know that," Ginny said with exaggerated patience. "I'll send you little gifts and notes and things, pretending they're from Harry, and I'll mention to a few people in confidence that I happened to see the card or that you showed me a note, and I'll say that Ron is worried about Harry because anyone can see that you're in love with Snape, so his courtship is doomed to failure."

"Ginny, this is a bad idea. Severus is jealous of Harry already – this is only going to make it worse."

"Well, of course it is," Ginny said. "But in a good way, because he'll realize that he's in danger of losing you to his least favorite person in the world, and he'll be forced to step up and deal with his feelings for you."

"Still assuming he actually has feelings for me."

"He does, Hermione," Ginny insisted. "Deep down, you know he does."

Hermione decided not to argue, even though she wasn't as sure as Ginny seemed to be. She focused instead on another potential flaw in the scheme. "Okay, but with how strained things are between Severus and me right now, who's to say he won't just step aside on the theory that he's making things easier for both of us?"

"Well," Ginny said, "That's possible, I suppose." She thought for a minute, then asked, "Let's suppose for a minute that you were absolutely convinced that Severus really loved you, but was acting like an idiot because he's scared."

"Okay," Hermione said. "What about it?"

"How would you behave toward him, if you really, truly believed that?"

"I – I don't know," Hermione replied uncertainly. "I guess I would probably just ignore his moods and act more like the way I did before last weekend."

"Good," Ginny said firmly. "You should do that."

"I should – Ginny, I can't! I don't even know if I believe he likes me these days, let alone secretly loves me!"

"You have to, Hermione. If you don't, he'll still see you being miserable, and he'll ultimately convince himself to let you go for your own good. He needs to see you happy with him, even if things aren't perfect. You need to convince yourself that he loves you, and fast. Eventually, he'll have to admit that you're right."

"But what if he doesn't? I'll be so humiliated if I go about pretending I know he loves me and then find out that he really, really doesn't."

"Do you love him or not, Hermione?"

"That's not fair! You know I love him! You know I do!"

"Then how can you be unwilling to risk a little humiliation?"

"I just – I don't know if I could take his rejection after all that."

Ginny sighed. "Let me put it another way. If you don't do this, you're going to lose him for sure, and you'll spend the rest of your life wondering whether you could have had it all. Is that what you want? Isn't that worse than knowing for sure, one way or the other?"

Hermione sighed. She hated it, but she knew Ginny was right. It would be awful to always wonder if she might have had everything she ever dreamed of, if only she had had the courage to grab it. "All right, I suppose you're right. But, Ginny, I don't know if I can convincingly act like I know he loves me, when I don't. I'm not very good at pretending, and Severus is annoyingly good at seeing through me when I try."

Ginny thought about that. After a long moment, she asked tentatively, "You don't suppose I could do a charm that would convince you, do you?"

Hermione was horrified. "I don't want to be delusional, Ginny!"

"You wouldn't be!" Ginny hurriedly assured her. "You have to trust me – he loves you – he does! He's just not handling it very well. And anyway, it would only be temporary – just long enough to let him get his head together and realize that he doesn't want to lose you, no matter what people say or do around him."

"But I promised myself I wouldn't use any more magic in our relationship," Hermione argued weakly.

"Well, it's not like you'd be using it on him or anything. It's really a lot like the Confidence-Boosting Potion you used when you were first becoming friends with him, except this time, it's to convince yourself of something that your heart knows is true anyway. And really, Hermione, if true love isn't worth using a little magic for, then what is?"

"Well, that's true, I suppose." She thought about it for another minute. Finally, she said, "All right, I guess I'll try it. But promise me that if it becomes clear he doesn't love me, you'll reverse the charm immediately. I don't want to be acting as if he loves me if it's absolutely certain that he doesn't."

"Okay, deal. Even though I'm sure it won't be an issue. Now, the only problem left is, I don't actually know the right charm to use."

"I guess we should go to the library and see what we can find."

"Okay, let's go. We should get this going immediately," Ginny said firmly.

Hermione pushed aside her lingering misgivings and said, "Okay." For true love, she added silently to herself.