Bernise’s Giggle Fit by beaweasley2

Bernise's Giggle Fit by beaweasley2

First, thank you to all the ladies who agreed to go on this romp with me. This wouldn't have happened without you, and I'm so grateful you all said yes! Secondly, thank you to my beta, MadBrilliant, who agreed to help me once again to find my errant commas and typos. You're just too good to me. And to those of you brave enough to follow along with this story – I hope you enjoy the ride!

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Bernise had the card from the Weasley's Wizarding Wheezes, Truth, Dare, or Consequences, propped up on her inkwell as she revised. Robin and Vera had already finished their dares, and Catherine had pulled off hers. She smiled, remembering Vera's prank with the alarm clocks, which had had Bernise in stitches because of the trouble it had caused in Potions.

She knew that she was next; she was just waiting for her card to glow, which frustratingly enough, it wasn't.

Bernise groaned, nearly audibly in the quiet of the library. She hated breaking the rules. She didn't cause trouble or misbehave, not if she could help it. Of course, having an identical twin like Beatrise wasn't always conductive to leading a quiet, rule-abiding life. Not all of the time. Beatrise liked adventure, excitement, and heart-pounding fun. She thrived on it and usually liked coercing Bernise into going along with her.

Bernise preferred the library to sneaking into the forest, walks along the lake instead of broom races, or star gazing on the Astronomy tower instead of wild parties. Bernise felt that revisions and essays came before boys and playtime. She liked going to Kaleidoscope Books Shoppe and Honeydukes instead Zonko's, and she liked having butterbeers in the Three Broomsticks over drinks in the Hog's Head. Therefore, it was no wonder that Bernise was nervous about her dare. At least she didn't have to do anything too bad or reckless. All she had to do was ask Severus Snape, the one teacher Bernise feared, well, wished with every fiber of her being that she could earn the respect of, for a cookie. A cookie! Each time he asks a question. Each time! And giggle like an idiot every time he sneers for one entire Potions class. Professor Snape – the wizard with a perpetual sneer, or at least he is when he isn't smirking or snarling. With my luck, I'll be stuck doing this dare during a double Potions day!

She leaned her head on her hand and tried to concentrate on Modern Alchemy of Eternal Wisdom for her five-foot essay on the four elements and their manifestations of matter in alchemy. But all she could think about was that little card sitting benignly in front of her. Why isn't it glowing? Bernise hated the wait, wondering when her turn would be up. Clue, Parcheesi, Zondoland, Haven's Gate, Searchers, or Risk would have been preferable to Truth or Dare! Heck, even Chutes and Ladders or Candyland were safer choices. What possessed us to choose a game left in the Room of Requirement by Fred and George Weasley – Hogwarts most infamous and notorious pranksters!

Her straight, naturally honey blond hair was twisted up in a clip, although several strands had escaped, falling into her face. She tucked a strand behind her ear and, flipping the page in her book back, checked the chart. She picked up her quill and tapped the feather on her lip as she reread the opposite page. She just couldn't concentrate.

From the corner of her eyes, she saw Randal Blaine and his cronies walk up beside her. "Hiya, Bernie," he said softly enough not to get Miss Pince's attention. He jerked his head up as one of his two friends gave him a wave. Thankfully, both of them went to sit down at another table, but Blaine apparently was going to stay and bother her.

"Miss Bedsworth to you, if you don't mind," Bernise said, keeping her focus on her book. "I've got too much work to do, please go away."

"Ah, c'mon, Bernie, we can be friendlier than that. After all we..."

"We?" Bernie turned to look at him, daring him to say it. "We? As I recall, you cornered me and wouldn't let me go until I kissed you!"

His short, dark hair was standing up in front in the style guys were all wearing, the wind-blown I-just-got-off-my-broom look, and his blue eyes matched the blue of the jumper he wore under his Ravenclaw robes. Even with the lose fit of his robes, she knew he had a good build, muscular and strong. She supposed he was cute; her friends all thought so, and she had to admit that at one time she'd thought so too. But that was before his stunt three days ago.

"And what a kiss, as I recall," he said with a smirk. "Admit it, you liked it."

"I didn't kiss you – you kissed me!" she hissed. "Pressing your mouth against someone you trapped against a portrait doesn't count as a kiss."

"You kissed me back, tongue and all," he replied jovially.

As Bernise remembered it, she had opened her mouth to protest, and he'd tried sucking her tonsils out – and then groped her. She glared back, still angry with him.

He was trying to use his Witch Weekly's Most Charming Smile Award candidate grin on her. "Admit it, you like me."

"I admit that you are barely tolerable," Bernie said, turning back to her book. What did I ever see in him, besides good looks and a rakish...? Okay, he's a bit of a lad, a really good-looking lad. "Was there something you needed, Mr. Blaine?"

He leaned forward and placed a hand next to hers on the table. "Rand. It's okay; you can call me Rand. After all, you and I are destined for each other."

She brushed her fringe back in frustration and sighed because the action only made the lose strands of her hair fall in her face again. She tucked one side of them back behind her ear. "Mr. Blaine, you and I are assigned to work together in Alchemy, and for some reason you always try to sit next to me in Charms and Ancient Runes. But besides that – we are not an item. So, please, leave me be. I have an essay on the practice and principles of human transformations, and one on the manifestations of the four elements due next week..."

"What's this?"

She saw him move his hand, swatted at it as he reached for her dare card, but wasn't fast enough to stop him from picking it up. "Give me that!"

His smirk grew into a smile as he read the card aloud, "Each time Snape asks a question in class, reply by asking, 'If I get this right, do I get a cookie?' Then grin like an idiot. Constantly grin like an idiot the rest of the class. Giggle uncontrollably when he sneers..." He looked at her with a puzzled expression. "You? What's this all about?"

She had jumped to her feet when he'd started reading and drew her wand. "Give it back."

His mischievous smirk was reflected in his royal blue eyes. "What do I get if I do?"

Bernise looked him in the eye and squared her shoulders. He was tall, but she was nearly his height, only three inches shorter, which was why she supposed he favored her. It certainly wasn't because she was a raving beauty; she was too thin and plain for that. She formulated at least six hexes in her mind, any one effective, but was equally ready to cast a curse if he didn't give her the card back and leave her alone.

***** *****

Bernise entered Potions class, wishing that she'd splurged and bought the extra Billywig stingers last Hogsmeade weekend or a Giggling Goober or some Tickle Tangies. She was going to have to grin like an idiot all lesson, or giggle at Snape, and was really wishing she had some kind of magical assistance. Her stomach was so tied up in knots it felt like she'd swallowed a whole handful of Peppermint Toads, which were just starting to jump around in her gut.

Jemima, Carlie, and Emma were already at the worktable since they'd come straight from the Slytherin common room. Bernise walked over, dropped her bag, and sighed. Emma and Carlie, standing on either side of her, both asked what was wrong. Bernise pulled out her brightly glowing card. "It's my turn. I'm going to get hexed! I just know Snape is going to hex me by the end of Potions."

Marianne, Vera, Robin, and Domina were walking past on their way to their worktables. They gave her various grins, grimaces, and a thumbs up from Robin, in support when Beatrise flashed them the card. Margarite hurried over to whisper to both Phyllis and Sally who always worked in the front row, which was not surprising as Phyllis liked being as close to Snape as possible, and Margarite and Sally were brave enough to take the front row with her. Now everyone knew that Snape was about to be pranked – again. Well, almost everyone; the guys didn't know and neither did Snape.

As luck would have it, Professor Snape chose this particular day to begin class with a lecture. Bernise suppressed a groan and tried to fix the least goofy grin on her face that she could manage. "For the next few lessons, you will be brewing Transmute and Excrescence Potions. Transmute Potions either change the drinker's nature, form, or physical state into another or, in some cases, into its opposite." He looked up for a minute, and Bernise forced herself to grin as happily as she could muster. Snape continued as if he hadn't noticed. "While some potions can and will affect the drinker's personality, form, or character – the effects are not generally permanent. Potions that change the drinker's physical state vary – some are permanent – most are not."

Bernise tried to maintain her grin and take notes while Snape continued talking about the various potions and their effects, but it was hard to write and be looking up at him at the same time. "The Polyjuice Potion is probably the most well-known Transmute potion created. The effect, as you well know, only lasts an hour at best if the potion is brewed properly."

Bernise struggled to write everything he was saying, but each time she glanced down, her notes looked like an atrocious mess. Why didn't I borrow Beatrise's Quoting Quill?

"The Polyjuice potion will transform the drinker's outer appearance into the identical appearance of the person they intend to impersonate. However, the drinker does not gain any knowledge of the person they are masquerading as." Beatrise looked up, grinning foolishly as Snape listed off the active ingredients and the specifics of brewing the potion as well as the precautions. "Likewise, the Mimicsonate Elixir will give the drinker the voice of another and is frequently used for sole purpose of impersonating someone."

She jotted down the name of the elixir then glanced up again and realized that Snape was looking right at her. Her grin became even wider as she nervously stared back at him. He turned his head, apparently ignoring her as he lectured on the specifics of the elixir.

"The Anathema Elixir..." Snape turned and looked directly at Bernise, his eyes narrowing slightly as he continued, "can benefit a person who has been hit with a curse..." His voice faltered a moment as his eyes locked on Bernise, who was still grinning at him with rapt attention. "...a person or thing cursed, but will not make someone who is intensely disliked – likable..." Snape stopped right in front of Phyllis as he talked about the effects, brewing timing, and precautions, glowering at Bernise, who was still trying to grin at Snape while trying to write down everything he was saying. It was proving to be really difficult.

"You can copy from my notes later," Emma whispered, and Bernise gave her a thankful nod.

Snape had, thankfully, turned to walk over to the blackboard, so she let her mouth relax. "The Dilatory Potion is believed to reverse the nature of someone who procrastinates." He turned back to face the class, and Bernise grinned up at him again. He narrowed his eyes at her as he continued, "However, it is only a temporary solution, and Healers disagree whether the potion actually makes the drinker stops procrastinating, or if the drinker becomes productive simply because he or she believes the potion's reputed effects and stop procrastinating on their own..."

Bernise sighed, knowing her attention was more on grinning at Snape than taking notes, praying that between Emma and her housemates, she'd get all the information Snape was covering later. "The Forlorn Elixir... can make someone who is lackadaisical, melancholy, or lugubrious feel livelier..."

Try as she might to keep grinning like a fool, Bernise knew that her notes would be undecipherable.

"Enervate... Miss Bedsworth, I would encourage you to start writing this down."

Bernise groaned as she tried making a better effort of taking notes, while still grinning at him like a Clabbert.

"Excrescence Potions make something grow out from something else, or are used to regenerate body parts, such as: a fingernail on a finger, a toe on a foot, or replace a missing nose or an ear on the side of one's head... If brewed incorrectly, they can also cause a disfiguring or unwanted part... to... appear." He turned sharply and glared at Bernise. "What is the problem, Miss Bedsworth?"

Bernise looked up and cringed inwardly. "If I get this right, do I get a cookie?" she asked in what she hoped was a jovial tone, but her voice sounded weak to her.

Snape's eyebrow arched upward, either from disbelief or because he hadn't heard her properly. "Pardon me?" he snarled.

"Ah, nothing Professor, there's no problem, sir," she quickly replied, checking the card tucked just under the edge of her parchment, to make sure it didn't turn red. It stayed a bright, glowing yellow. "I'm sorry, sir." She forced herself to grin and hoped he'd just go back to lecturing.

"Maybe you'd prefer writing me an essay on both Transmute and Excrescence Potions – providing both the various types and their uses – five feet of parchment each instead of listening to me?" he asked with a sneer.

Bernise swallowed and giggled softly, hoping that she could consider what he'd said as a statement and not another question.

Snape glowered at her and crossed his arms. "Well, since it's apparent that you find writing me the essays more humorous than listening to me lecture, Miss Bedsworth, you and your classmates will write out said essays with nine examples of both Transmute and Excrescence Potions, giving me a thorough explanation of their primary active ingredients and their uses." Half the class groaned as Snape continued to glare at Bernise. "Include the steps and the necessary precautions to be taken during the brewing process of each potion and which cauldron type would be optimal. Ten points will be deducted from Gryffindor for your disruption of my lecture, Miss Bedsworth."

Bernise kept repeating, glowering isn't sneering, as she wrote the assignment down. She looked up and clearly saw Snape sneering at her. She giggled nervously, and Snape's eyes narrowed dangerously. "Well, you all heard me, put your notes away, and set up your work area."

"Well, I'm certainly going to be popular this weekend," Bernise groaned as she put her parchment, ink, and quill away.

"It's okay, you're doing great," Carlie whispered encouragingly.

Emma nodded, "Yeah, so far. I just hope he doesn't get really ticked off."

"Quiet!" Snape snapped, turning from the blackboard. "The directions for the Mimicsonate Elixir are on the board. After you complete the potion, you are to take a hair from the person next to you and bring your final product up to my desk. If you've made the potion correctly, your voice will mimic the person whose hair you used; if you do not follow the directions precisely, you'll be spending the night in the hospital wing. Regardless, your essays are due on Friday. You may begin."

Everyone scurried for the supply cabinet to get his or her ingredients and get started. Bernise had no difficulty grinning now. She had made the Mimicsonate Elixir before, for her sister in fact.

"Well, at least that means you didn't ruin everyone's weekend," Charlie said with a groan. "Four days to write all that in a five foot essay."

"Two five feet essays," Bernise corrected her. "I'm sorry. If you want, we can work on it together in the library."

"Or the Room of Requirement," Emma suggested. "Let the room give us the necessary books, then we don't have to go look them up or search the entire Potions section."

Snape roamed the room while the students all ground their bicorn horn and Billywig stingers as the potion base of murtlap essence, spheremint oil, and distilled water was brought up to the proper heat in their cauldrons. Snape passed by Bernise's and Emma's worktable as the girls were dicing their Jarvey livers and sneered in response Bernise's grin. She giggled, this time actually sounding like a real laugh. "Miss Bedsworth, stop grinning like an idiot, and pay attention to your potion!" he snapped at her, glowering angrily.

"Yes, Professor," she said, her grin widening uncontrollably. Emma tried to hide her smile by lowering her head as she shredded her aconite, and Carlie snickered as she counted out her planthopper wings.

Bernise stirred her potion, relaxing her mouth as Snape moved on down the row of worktables. With Snape now behind her, she was finally able to concentrate on her elixir, instead of her grinning. She was just finished stirring in her hoverflies wings when Snape asked, "Mr. Perkins, are you unable to distinguish between sodium and potassium?"

Bernise inhaled, looked back at Snape and quietly asked, "Oh! If I get this one right, do I get a cookie, Professor?"

Snape looked up at her, his expression murderous. "Miss Bedsworth! No. You will not get a cookie – you'll get a detention," he sneered.

Bernise giggled. "Make that two," he said, sneering again.

Bernise forced herself to giggle and lowed her head, feeling her face flush hotly.

"I suggest you get back to your own work before I lose my patience with you. Five more points from Gryffindor." He turned back to Terry Perkins, and Terry actually cringed. "Well, I suggest you get to work!"

Carlie leaned toward Bernise and Emma. "Snape's really in a bad mood."

"I know, and we're only half way through Potions," Bernise grumbled. "I wish the card would turn green so that this would all be over!"

"Patience, it's not so bad," Emma encouraged, stirring her potion as it turned a brownish-orange.

Bernise knew she was only trying to be supportive. "I have two detentions this week – and lost Gryffindor fifteen points, and you're saying it's not that bad!"

"It could be three detentions; and fifteen points isn't too bad – it could be much more," Carlie said.

"Miss Cohen, it would behoove you to pay attention to your own potion unless you want to join Miss Bedsworth for her detentions!" Snape snarled right behind them, making Bernise jump and dump her seventeen ash borer thoraxes on her thinly sliced barnyard grass. Bernise pulled out her wand and levitated her thoraxes, using the spell to drop them in her cauldron. However, Snape saw the move. "What are you doing, you stupid girl? Do not wave your wand around an active cauldron!"

"Yes, Professor, I'm sorry, but I wanted to prevent an accident with my rye seeds and didn't have enough time to pluck them out individually," she tried to explain, indicating her timer.

"Have I not stated that there is no foolish wand waving in my classroom? Twenty points from Gryffindor," Snape sneered.

Bernise muttered, "If I get this right, may I have a cookie," as softly as she could and giggled, starting to feel as imbecilic as she must seem to everyone else in the class.

"Miss Bedsworth, another twenty for your inappropriate giggling." He turned to look at Emma and snapped, "Miss Whitby, pay attention to your own work."

"Yes, Professor," Emma said, turning her head so Snape couldn't see her smirk.

"Are you incapable of following directions?" Snape asked, nearly yelling at two Ravenclaw boys in the back of the room. "Look at the board and tell me which ingredient precedes the rye seeds?"

"If I get this right, do I get a cookie?" Bernise asked softly, not bothering to turn around.

Unfortunately, Snape heard her clearly. He stormed over to stand directly in front of her. "What is your preoccupation with cookies, Miss Bedsworth? Are you that hungry this soon after lunch? Well? Go on then, since you feel the need to interrupt the class with your lunacy, answer the question I posed to Mr. Sundra – which ingredient, and why that particular variety."

Bernise mumbled, 'If if get this right, do I get a cookie,' under her breath as she made the last three turns with her stirring rod before looking up at his irate face. "That would be the orange Jubilee tomato, Professor, chosen because the non-acidic nature of that particular tomato variety will not throw off the pH balance of the potion at this late state of the brewing process."

Snape glared at her and walked off, not even acknowledging that she'd answered correctly, and Bernise actually sighed in relief.

"Well, at least you didn't lose more house points or get another detention," Carlie said with a chuckle.

"Oh, I think I've done Slytherin quite well this lesson," Bernise grumbled, and Emma stuck out her tongue at her. "I've lost fifty-five house points, effectively dropping Gryffindor behind Slytherin, and got two detentions! I'm doing just great." She looked at her dare card and sighed. "The letters aren't green yet. Why aren't they green?"

Thankfully, her potion was nearly complete. It was the correct consistency and orange-yellow color. She glanced up at the clock. Half an hour to go. As was the unjust nature of the universe, the last twenty-nine minutes seemed to tick by at a Streeler's pace. Bernise finished her potion, set it to simmer for the required fifteen minutes and pulled out her potions book. She tried to focus on reviewing the chapter on Transmute and Excrescence Potions until it was time to bottle her Mimicsonate Elixir. Each time Professor Snape walked into her line of view, she looked up at him and grinned, giggling when he sneered at her. In fact, the whole giggling thing was actually getting easier because of the absurdity of the situation. When her timer went off, Bernise poured some of her elixir into a flask and bottled the rest in two vials, one for her grade and a larger one for herself. She pulled out a strand of hair and turned to Emma to ask for her for one in exchange.

"Oh, no, Miss Bedsworth, you will be using my hair, and you had best be careful about what you choose to say to demonstrate your potion's viability," he said with a sneer. Bernise looked over at him and giggled nervously as she handed Emma her hair. Snape turned and walked to his desk, demanding that the class line up, add the hair in front of him and then demonstrate affect of their elixir. When Bernise stepped forward, he motioned her to the side. "You will wait. Next." Snape made Bernise wait until last.

She watched in horror as eleven of her classmates were sent to the hospital wing with grossly swollen necks and damaged vocal chords.

Finally, Snape turned to her and plucked a hair from his head. "Miss Bedsworth, you will demonstrate your potion to me now."

Bernise smiled nervously as she accepted the hair. "Thank you, Professor." She dropped the hair in her flask and watched the potion fizzle as if she'd carbonated the liquid. She took a swallow, surprised at the flavor, which reminded her of a V-8 Splash her cousin had given her once.

"Now, what have you to say for yourself?" he snarled. "Why have you been so inattentive and disruptive during my class?"

Bernise groaned, Snape's rich voice growling in her throat. "It's just that I have to grin at you like an idiot in class today, and every time you ask a question I have to say, 'If I get this right, do I get a cookie,' or I'll be covered with bark and have large leaves like a tree for a month. I'm so sorry, Professor," she said in Snape's melodic, velvety voice.

"And that is your reason? You disrupted my lessons with your cheeky insolence and obnoxious giggling all because you didn't want to be covered with bark and leaves. Is this some sort of a joke?"

"IfIgetthisright – doIgetacookie," she said as quickly as she could, in Snape's rich, masculine voice. "Yes, sir – well, not really – but sort of. I'm so sorry; I'll never do this again – ever!"

He sighed, his dark eyes boring into hers. "You are dismissed. I expect that this is the end of your insolence and that you will not behave in such a manner again. Am I clear on this, Miss Bedsworth?"

"Yes, Professor," she said in his silky drawl. "I promise that I will not ever be so disruptive in your class again."

"Now, get out. I'll see you tonight," Snape said. "And if I find out that you are misusing my voice, taunting or taking the Mickey – you'll live to regret it."

"Oh, no, sir, I won't! I swear, I won't," she said, turning and hurrying for the door. All her friends were waiting in the corridor as Bernise exited the classroom.

"Well?" Emma and Margarite asked at the same time.

"He demanded to know the reason for my behavior." Bernise's voice was still mimicking Snape's melodic drawl. She started walking with everyone toward the stairs. "I still have two nights of detention, but at least he didn't deduct any more points. And the letters on my card are now glowing green! I'm done with that mess – but I'm going to sound like Snape all afternoon!"

"More like all night, too," Vera said in a compassionate way. "At least when you are talking, you make him sound nice."

"I think she sounds right sexy," Phyllis said, and Emma laughed at her.

"You would!" Bernise exclaimed, although sounding like Snape made it sound like an accusation.

"Well, she does!" Phyllis said to the other girls. "Can you imagine – we could have her say anything, in his voice, and actually get to hear what he'd sound like if he were being charming, romantic – humorous!"

"We could disillusion her and really give the first-years a treat – Professor Snape giving compliments or telling jokes!" Margarite said, laughing.

Bernise stopped in her tracks, making her friends slow down and stop as well. "Oh, great – just what he warned me not to do! I'm going to be a laughing stock! This won't wear off until..." She counted out on her fingers, "well after midnight! And I still have Charms today! Phyllis, you have to help me – I'll even read to you if you think so you can run buffer for me in Charms," Bernise pleaded smoothly, making Phyllis grin and the other girls laugh. "Emma, Vera, Sally... I'm going to need your help, too. It will be up to you guys to make sure no one – and I mean no one – takes the Mickey on me!"

"Sure," Phyllis agreed. "Oooo, I know, how about reciting one of Shakespeare's sonnets?"

"Oh, yeah, that would be hilarious!" Emma smirked.

Carlie laughed. "Might be entertaining – and when would we ever have a chance like this again? The velvety melodious voice of Severus Snape reading Shakespeare! Or Wordsworth, Coleridge, or Blake. Oh, or Byron – or even better – Keats!"

"I vote for Byron, I love his stuff," Vera said, and then looked at Bernise sympathetically. "Unless, you'd be uncomfortable doing this."

Phyllis hooked her arm with Bernise's. "Oh, say you will. We won't tell. Please?"

"Fine! Tonight in the Room of Requirement," Bernise caved in, hoping that Snape never found out. "But if Snape hears about this – I'm telling him you put me up to it!"

"Oh believe me – he'll never know!" Phyllis promised.

And the fun continues...

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Author's Notes:

My Prompts for this chapter were:

#14 Each time Snape asks a question in class, reply by asking, "If I get this right, do I get a cookie?" Then grin like an idiot. Constantly grin like an idiot the rest of the class.

With:

#55 Giggle uncontrollably when he sneers during class.

Many of the potion ingredients mentioned in this chapter mimic something: Aconite has three names, which could be interpreted as mimicking, okay, that's a bad example.

Planthopper's wings resemble the leaves of a tree from which it lives. An ash borer is actually a moth that resembles a wasp, but doesn't have a stinger. A hoverfly is a fly that also resembles a wasp. A predator that has learned to avoid a wasp would likewise avoid an ash borer or a hoverfly. Barnyard grass is a weed that resembles rice, and rye resembles wheat.