Chapter Fourteen

Chapter Fourteen

Lily's hair, still in the breezeless room, waited days before the door finally opened again. It quivered as a black cloak brushed it aside then swept it out onto the floor next to the ebbing blue flame. It rolled on the uneven flags and was almost lost in the dark recesses of the cave. But it was picked up at the very last moment, pinched harshly by long fingers, studied by piercing, obsidian eyes. Turned over, held to the light.

Deep red, long... it had to be Lily's. The thought shook Severus, gripped his chest, restricted his breathing.

So many emotions....

Just touching this mere remnant of her brought back everything, every moment they'd spent together, the good and... and the not so good.

Dumbfounded, he settled down on his pumpkin fizz box, twirling the hair, winding it through his fingers, remembering what it had been like to hold her close – he could almost smell her.

But it couldn't be. Surely he would have seen it, noticed it before now. Merlin knew he spent enough time down here feeling confused and sorry for himself.

Yes, confused and sorry for yourself and not paying the slightest bit of attention, you fool.

Pulling an empty vial out of his cloak pocket, he carefully placed the hair inside, handling the precious hair as if it were made of glass, as if it would shatter at any moment.

Holding the vial up to the light, he continued to stare at it, mesmerised, turning it this way and that. It was Lily's. His love.

The length of the strand bothered him. Perhaps she had come back there after they had left Hogwarts? The last time he'd seen her in Knockturn Alley her hair had been almost to her waist. A torturous thought stabbed at his heart. If only she'd said yes that day, if only she'd come away with him, life would have been so different.

Yes, you'd probably be dead as well, you fool.

Reality came crashing down on him.

He did still love Lily, loved her so intensely he was worshipping a single strand of her hair. He would have tormented anyone else who dared to do such a thing, sneered so long and hard they would have run from him and never returned. He'd done it to Tonks, mocked her Lupin-like Patronus.

A thought struck him. Hit him as hard as a Bludger to the back of his head. That thought was of Hermione.

How could he keep fooling himself like this? More importantly, how could he keep deceiving Hermione with this charade of his, with the pretence that he was willing to love her when his heart belonged to another? He would never be over Lily. That thought was ludicrous. He'd spent almost his entire life living and breathing just for her.

Still, he longed for Hermione in a way he couldn't explain. He hated the thought of her spending time with Weasley and Potter, he needed to protect her....

She was like Lily. He felt the same way for Hermione as he'd felt for Lily the very first time he'd seen her. That was so long ago, they'd been just children, but he remembered as if it were yesterday.

But that wasn't yesterday, it was over twenty-five years ago. Lily was now dead. The wistful fog of memories receded and his reality became very clear. Hermione, she could never be his Lily, but she made him happy, happier than he'd been in years, she made this whole living nightmare have a point. She was something worth fighting for. Something more solid, more real than the wispy memories of Lily.

Something, someone, more tangible than a long red hair dropped into a Potions test tube.

But could he love Hermione as well? Was it possible to love two women?

Perhaps. Certainly, he didn't think he felt as intensely for Hermione as he did for Lily, but then he'd had quarter of a century obsessing over Lily, no one was likely to simply wander into his life and live up to that. But the desire for Hermione was there, growing with each passing day.

Not that it mattered, it was only a matter of time before everything would come crashing down around his ears, before he would be forced to do Dumbledore's bidding one last time.

That train of thought angered him. Finally, finally he'd found some happiness and now that was to be destroyed as well.

Why should he keep fighting this war, why should he be the martyr? He could be happy with Hermione, he knew he could. All he had to do was to convince her to leave, to go into hiding with him, to make her listen to reason. He hadn't tried hard enough with Lily, hadn't fought against everyone else hard enough and look what had happened? No, this time he would find his peace, fight for it and not take no for an answer. He would take Hermione away, the rest of the wizarding world be damned.

Out of habit, he tucked the glass vial absently away in his pocket and set off to find her.

*****

"Miss Granger."

She looked up from her book. She was back in the library. Goodness knows where she'd been the rest of the day, because he'd been in here so many times, walking in the door and then back out, that even Madam Pince had asked if he was all right. She'd received the patented sneer in return for her nosiness.

It was comforting to find everything as normal, Hermione surrounded by piles of books, a quill in one hand, minute notes jotted on the scrap of parchment before her. As ever, she, like Lily before her, was convinced the answer to everything lay inside the covers of a book. Unfortunately, as of yet, she'd been unable to find which book it was that solved all of Severus' woes.

"I need to speak with you." He tried to make it sound menacing, so prying ears wouldn't wonder at his sudden softness towards Hermione, but his heart wasn't in it. He just wanted her, wanted her away from here now, in his arms where they could forget about everything but each other. "Immediately."

She gave him a concerned look, but she packed up her things all the same.

"Yes, sir."

He turned, but as he left he was caught under the stern, disapproving gaze of Madam Pince. He didn't like that look. He'd been caught. His heart hammered and he tried to push the dread of reprehension aside. What did it matter? He and Hermione wouldn't be around long enough for Dumbledore to hear he'd singled her out. Still, something made him add, in his harshest tone, brought on by the librarian's scowl, "Hurry up, Miss Granger. Those filthy cauldrons won't clean themselves."

Madam Pince's disgusted scowl turned from Severus to Hermione and, though he felt bad about it, it was far better she think her daily visitor had earned detention than go running to Dumbledore with her thoughts.

He headed for the cave. She would follow in a while, as she always did. It was safer that way.

Severus spent the several minutes alone in the cave doubting himself, doubting if he should do this, if he should make such a selfish decision, but he always came back to the same conclusion. He'd done enough, he deserved this. Running away was for Hermione's safety, that clinched it for him. When it came down to it, he had no choice.

"What's wrong?"

He raised an eyebrow at her. "Nothing is wrong. Everything is right."

He pulled her into his arms, inhaling the scent of her hair, memorising it, trying to wash away the smell of Lily. It was working, and it should. Hermione was here, Lily was gone.

He bent down and kissed her.

"As much as I'm enjoying this, and I'm more than happy if you simply called me down here to have your way with me, Severus, you did say you needed to speak to me."

"I would hardly have said to the entire library I needed to worship your body," his fingers trailed down her bare arms, "kiss you senseless," his lips teased softly against hers as he spoke, "thrust into you until you cried my name," he ground his hips into hers, leaving her with no doubt as to how aroused he was, "now would I?"

"I... I suppose not," she replied, her voice breathy as she tipped her head, letting him nip at her neck.

"But you're right, I do need to speak to you. And I want you to listen, very carefully, before making a decision." Reluctantly, he pulled away from her. The sooner they left, the better. There would be all the time in the world for making love to her then.

She quirked her head at him in confusion, but nodded in agreement all the same.

He nodded her at the pumpkin fizz box and sat down across from her. "I'm tired of all this. I'm tired of fighting for everyone else, I'm tired of losing everything I ... I love."

She watched him curiously, but nodded at his declaration. She didn't interrupt though, kept her promise to hear him out.

"I want you to leave with me. We will go somewhere else, somewhere safe. Somewhere no one can find us. Please, Hermione, please say you will."

He was so desperate for her to say yes he would have dropped to his knees and begged if he'd thought it would help.

She looked intensely at him and then sighed. "I thought something like this might be coming."

It wasn't the answer he'd been hoping for, but it wasn't a no. "You did?"

"Hagrid said something interesting today. He told Harry and I," Severus bit back the jealousy he felt at hearing she'd been with Potter, "that you told Dumbledore he took too much for granted, that you didn't want to do it anymore."

"How did Hagrid hear that?" Severus snapped.

"He overheard you. Don't worry, he has no idea what it's about."

"Of course he doesn't, the great oaf!"

Her hand came to rest on his arm. "The more I research, the more I realise the solution, Severus. You have to do it. You have to do as Dumbledore asks."

"Asks? He's hardly asking me!" No, no, no! This wasn't going to plan at all! His anger bubbled in his veins, his vision blurred red. Damn it, damn them all!

"You have to do it. For Dumbledore, for Harry, for Draco, for the entire wizarding world. For yourself."

"How is killing the Headmaster for myself?" he snapped, standing up and stalking the length of the cave.

"Because it will keep Voldemort happy."

"What the hell would you know?!" He yelled at her with all of his anger, all of his frustration. And she let him, standing there calmly just letting him vent. Finally he stopped and really looked at her. She was so good to him, too good. Putting his head back in his hands he muttered, "I'm sorry."

"Don't be." She bent down and kissed him gently. " But you know we can't just run away. The Unbreakable Vow will kill you. And they'll hunt us down wherever we go. We would spend our lives looking over our shoulders, afraid. I don't want to live like that, I don't want to live knowing I've abandoned by friends, left them to die at Voldemort's whim. And neither do you."

She was right. Damn her for always being right.

"I love you, Severus Snape," she told him, brushing his hair from his face. "And whatever you decide, I'll stand by you. But by gods, if you sacrifice yourself for nothing, I won't ever forgive you."

And she turned and left.

She'd said he had to kill Dumbledore. His destiny decided by the young woman with the toothy smile that had told him she loved him.

Loved him.

He pinched at his nose again, wondering if there was a bed available on Ward 49 of St. Mungo's.

*****

The next few months passed far too quickly for Severus' liking. Between teaching, keeping Malfoy on track, perfunctory Death Eater meetings, and Weasely-infested Order meetings, he and Hermione had very little time together. But that was all right, it made the stolen moments with her all the more meaningful.

As time went by Voldemort grew increasingly powerful. Severus had felt more and more useless with each passing day.

But he'd kept Hermione safe, he'd managed that at least.

One dark night in late spring that all ended. It was over as soon as the Mark was cast over the turrets of Hogwarts. No one was safe, not anymore because he'd done it. He'd killed the Headmaster.

Dumbledore.

Albus.

The one person who'd given him a second chance.

He sat on the tatty couch of his childhood home, curtains drawn, staring at the peeling paper on the wall. It was dark; he hadn't bothered to light the candles as night had closed in. He felt numb. He tried not to think. It wasn't working.

Hermione might have said she understood, that she knew he had to do as Dumbledore said. But she wouldn't come back to him. Who would want a murderer? Certainly not a girl like Hermione.

The pleading in Albus' eyes right before he'd killed him haunted Severus. He tried shutting his eyes to block the memory out, but it lingered there, burnt into his mind. Even his troubled sleep brought no reprieve.

It was wrong. All wrong.

He heard the knock on his front door and ignored it. He didn't want to speak to anyone, friend or foe. But in time he heard the soft click of the door opening. He hadn't bothered warding the door. The sooner the Aurors came and cast the Killing Curse on him, the better.

"Severus?"

She sat down gently on the couch, her hand tentatively touching his arm.

"Leave, Hermione. Leave and never come back. You don't deserve this, you don't deserve me." He pushed her hand away, standing up, trying to put some space between them, trying to escape from her.

She stood from the couch but made no move closer. "Sev, come on."

Lily would call him 'Sev'. This was too much to bear. He'd lost them both. He bit back his tears and roared at her.

"Just leave. Leave and don't ever come back." He looked up at her and his voice quavered as he saw her. "I don't deserve you. I killed him."

The tears won. They spilt down his cheeks, and this time he didn't push her away as she wrapped her arms around him.

"You did what you had to," she said, her voice wavering a little, but he heard her sniff back the tears.

"It doesn't make it any easier."

She didn't tell him it would all be all right. How could she? The Headmaster was dead and Merlin knew what would happen now.

He wept into her hair for a while, holding her close. His mood began to change, from self-pity to anger. Why him? Why should he have to suffer? What had he ever done? One silly mistake as a teenager and look at him now! But he had Hermione, if only temporarily. He had her warmth against him, her arms around him. He kissed her desperately, wanting to drown himself in her, to forget everything. He pulled her hard against him, never wanting to let go. And she kissed him back, letting him know she was there for him.

He backed her up against the wall, pinning her there with his body. He had lost control, the past day had left him drained, but this, this he needed. He clawed at her clothes, desperately pulling them from her body as his kiss intensified, his lips bruising hers. Hermione struggled back, releasing all the shirt buttons she could reach, the rest trapped between them. She gave up, instead pulled his shirttails from his too-tight trousers, then reached for his belt. She fumbled, unable to undo the buckle in such a hurry.

"This is ridiculous," Severus muttered, pulling his wand from his pocket and vanishing their clothes.

Her warm skin met his, sending an involuntary bolt through him, the first real feeling he'd had for a long time. Her hands wandered his shoulders, teased the hair on his chest. His lips captured her neck, his kisses hungry, intense. She'd have marks there later, but right now, it didn't matter. He needed this.

He didn't bother with frivolities, not now. Instead, he pulled her from her feet, trapping her against the cold wall with his hips. She cried out in surprise, then moaned in delight as his already erect cock pressing against her folds, her skin silken against his pulsing erection. Merlin, how he needed her.

She seemed to know, seemed to need it too, if the way her body rocked against his, the way she was moaning was anything to go by. Grasping her hips, he lifted her a little higher, positioning her where he needed her, the head of his cock resting just outside her entrance, leaving her there, breathing hard.

"Fuck me, Severus," she begged.

He grunted, shoving his hips upwards, pulling her down onto him at the same time. He filled her completely with that one, swift movement.

She cried out, clawing at his shoulders. Hermione's head fell back, hitting the wall with a dull thud. Sensations washed through him with such explosive intensity... it was madness. Nothing should feel this good... not after.... But no, he needed this, he deserved it and he was damned if he was letting memories, damned memories, ruin it for him.

He didn't give her long to recover. Pulling his hips back he began a relentless rhythm, pounding into her, never letting up. And she clung to him, allowing him to take out every frustration he had with each move.

His mouth dropped to her neck again, exposed to him as it was, kissing her skin, nipping at it.

"Sev, please," she begged him. And his eyes fell closed.

Sev she'd called him. Lily. He was fucking Lily again.

He groaned, his movements suddenly intensified against his will.

Lily.

He felt her body clamping down around him, drawing him in deeper and deeper until waves of pleasure washed through him and she finally dragged him over with her.

Part of him wanted to hold her, to stay with her, to reveal in the aftermath, but he couldn't. He pulled out and let her slide down the wall to the floor. Standing there, on wavering legs, she stared after him.

"Severus?" she called, pushing herself up right with her palms against the wall.

"L–" Cold guilt placed icy fingers on his shoulders. This was Hermione and he'd allowed himself to fantasise she was Lily. For the longest moment she had seemed.... "Leave," he said, shrugging guilt off and covering for his slip of the tongue. He gathered her crumpled clothes from the couch and shoved them at her.

"Wh...What? Severus?" she said, standing their stupidly holding her clothes. She reached out one hand to touch his arm, but he pulled it away.

"Don't touch me, Hermione. Just go."

She ignored him. Instead she reached up to touch his face. He winced. It felt like her touch burnt him, but he didn't pull away. His arms moved around her pulling her close. She smelt of him, of sweat, of sex. It was such a delightful smell, something he didn't want to ever leave.

"I'm so sorry," he pleaded against her hair. "It's not you. It's.... I can't explain. I'm so sorry, Hermione."

She grasped his head with her hands, pulling his face up. He's cheeks were wet.

"What on earth for?"

"For my past. For ghosts I cannot lay to rest. For a vial I can never throw away. For a moment's madness. For tonight. For taking it out on you.... I should've been more careful, I...."

She looked confused for a moment, then an amused smile touched her lips. "Sex doesn't all have to be romantic," Hermione replied.

"What have I become?" he asked her, searching her eyes.

She smiled at him. "You have become one very brave man," she told him sincerely. "And a smelly one at that," she added, giving him a grin. "Come on, I'll join you in the bath."

Severus had never had such an enjoyable soak in all his life. It wasn't that they'd made love again, no. They just sat there, her leaning back against his chest, listening as he poured out everything to her. And she'd even shed a tear or three with him as he'd told of having to kill the Headmaster, of him begging Severus to.

And she'd just listened, hadn't said a word. Hadn't needed to, he just needed someone to talk to, someone he didn't need to put his guard up against.

After the bath, Severus felt much lighter, as if the bubbles had washed away a lot of his terror. As he handed her a towel afterwards, he turned to her, murmuring thank you on her lips, then kissed her. Softly, so gently... And he hadn't stopped there, he'd caressed each breast, traced his long fingers down her sides, and was just making his way past her belly button when her stomach let out a loud rumble.

A smile crept onto his face, but the moment was broken.

She'd laughed and apologised.

"It's quite all right, I don't think I've eaten in days," Severus said.

She gave him a concerned look. "I'll go see if I can fix us up something," she told him, heading for the bathroom door.

"There's not much here," he said, placing a hand on her arm to stop her for a moment. He'd wrapped a towel around her as she stood there. He couldn't bear the thought of her walking around naked, where someone might see her. She was his Hermione, as silly as it seemed after he'd been the one to vanish her clothes earlier in the lounge.

"I'll see what I can brew up," she told him, heading off down to hall.

He watched her as she walked away, smiling gently. It was all right, she made it all right to smile.

She turned and looked him over. "Why do you get to wander around naked?" she demanded.

"Because," he lied to her, "I'm not sure I could control myself seeing you without clothes on."

"Well then...." She reached for the knot of her towel.

"No," Severus said quickly. He'd taken enough of her. For now. "Food first, Hermione. I don't want you passing out on me."

She laughed, the sound lightening his heart, and disappeared down the hall.

*****

Severus made his way to his room and sat down on the bed. The mixed feelings running through him left him confused. He should feel terrible, more than terrible, wretched, but there he was, smiling like a fool.

Maybe being a fool wasn't so bad after all.

The knock on the front door resounded through the house. Severus stood and made his way to the window, peering down into the dark front yard. All thoughts of happiness, of peace left him, draining his skin of the little colour he had.

Bolting down the hallway, dressing himself quickly with his wand, he burst into the kitchen.

"No wonder you're so thin, there's nothing in here," Hermione chided him as she pulled cupboard after empty cupboard open.

"He's here...you've got to go. You've got to go now!"

He waved his wand over her, dressing her.

"Who's here?" she turned around, looking up at him with those wide eyes. They'd be the death of him. Soon. Too soon.

"The Dark Lord. And two Death Eaters."

"What is he...?"

"Come to congratulate me on extraordinary work, I don't doubt," Severus replied bitterly.

Hermione reached for him, her mouth moving to say something but nothing came out.

"Please, just go!" Severus begged. Why was she still here? He would kill her!

Hermione looked at him, her brow knitted. But she did as he asked, Apparating away with a crack.

*****

Lily watched from across the street feeling helpless.

Dumbledore was dead. By Severus' hand. He'd actually done it. She didn't know what to think. On one hand, he'd had to, she knew he did, that he had no choice and certainly he hadn't done it easily.

On the other, she was now alone. No one knew she was here any more. And Severus' safety was at risk; he could soon been gone as well. She couldn't just sit here feeling sorry for herself, not when he could be hurt. Or worse.

But her presence would put him in even more danger.

Lily rested her forehead against the cold brick wall and wept. She cried for herself, for Severus, for everyone, for the hopelessness of it all.

Nothing would be the same again, not now Dumbledore was dead.

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AN: Hugs and Lattes to my darling beta :)