Chapter Nine

Chapter Nine

Mary Macdonald dropped the Daily Prophet before Lily on the Gryffindor table, startling her. She'd been lost in thought, deeply disgusted at herself for what she'd done the night before. Her mother was right, she should have been more careful as to who she gave her virginity away to, she was certainly regretting what happened with Severus now. The thing was, it had been wonderful, everything she'd imagined, but the Mark on Severus' arm, it had destroyed everything. And made her fell so very ill. Untouched toast lay buried, butter-side-up, beneath the folds of the newspaper.

Lily looked up at her friend, confused, only to be met by Mary's look of terror.

"Spinner's End. Isn't that where your family live?" the girl asked, her voice wavering, struggling to hold back emotion. Her eyes pleaded for Lily's answer to be 'no'.

Lily's brow furrowed in confusion as she looked back at the newspaper lying across her breakfast, an oily butter stain seeping through the crossword.

And there, on the front page, was a sight that would have made her lose all in her stomach if she had had anything in there. The Dark Mark, glowing and twisting above an all too familiar neighbourhood.

Terrified, she lifted the paper up, scrutinising exactly where the Dark Mark hovered.

With relief, she realised it wasn't her house.

Then, with unease, she looked again.

It was a run down two-story brick house, the paint peeling from the front door. Almost identical to every other on her street, but this one was familiar. She could almost imagine the horrid witch standing in the door. It was the Snape house.

With her heart thumping so loudly in her ears she could barely concentrate on the words, she read the article.

At six o'clock last night, a band of Death Eaters descended upon a small house in Spinner's End, killing both occupants. Mrs Eileen Snape, formally Eileen Prince, 36, Captain of the Hogwarts Gobstones Team in 1958, was found slumped in her front door, the body of her Muggle husband, Tobias Snape, 52, lay in the living room. The Aurors are yet to make any arrests.

Lily glanced over at the Slytherin table, but Severus wasn't there.

Her stomach churned.

"Excuse me," she muttered, leaping from the table and ran to the nearest bathroom.

Sitting on the cold tile floor, worshipping the porcelain god, realisation suddenly hit her.

The only reason Severus... no, not Severus, Snape, he was no longer her Severus... had been able to touch her last night was because his mother had been killed.

She tried not to think it, tried to shove the thought away, but it raised its ugly head all the same. Had Severus had her disposed of?

Lily bent over the bowl and retched again.

*****

Seventh year started, and Lily was more pained than ever. Snape if anything, had turned even further to the Dark over the holidays. She could see it in his eyes the one time she'd turned and walked straight into him outside of Potions. No longer were they glinting black depths filled with passion, they were cold and empty, completely empty.

"Lily," he said, reaching out for her for just a moment before she heard the snickering of the heinous band of Slytherin seventh years behind him.

"Forget her, Snape, she's just a Mudblood."

His hand pulled back sharply.

"Don't you ever touch me again!" Lily yelled, shoving past him and rushing off down the corridor. She couldn't bear it, couldn't bear seeing him; he was like a ghost from her past, he looked like the Severus she loved, even his aroma was his, but he was just a shallow impression of that boy she used to love; once loved. Loved since she was ten years old, before she knew what love was. Of the boy she loved still.

She bravely swiped away the traitorous tear that crept into the corner of her eye, defiantly pushing out her chin.

She had been made Head Girl – alongside Hogwarts new Head Boy, James Potter, who evidently had no qualms about making his feelings for her heard again.

Head Girls didn't cry in the corridors.

As the months wore on, Lily finally accepted that there would be no future for her and Severus, for the Severus she loved no longer existed.

Lily found herself conceding to James Potter's wishes. She didn't hate him any longer, not after she heard again the story from him, how he'd saved Severus from the dangers in the Shrieking Shack, but she couldn't really say she loved him either. More, she tolerated him for the sake of her position as Head Girl. He was smart, Head Boy, and an almost legendary Seeker. As Mary Macdonald pointed out to her, what more could she want? She did have to admit, if you could get past the arrogance, he wasn't such a bad guy. He was mostly harmless, and certainly led astray by Sirius. Alone he was tolerable, possibly even likeable. Eventually she gave in to him, accepting his offer to take her to dinner in Diagon Alley during the Christmas break.

The end of their final year came, and Lily found herself sitting her room, sombrely packing her trunk for the very last time. She'd upended the lot, tipped it over the floor. And, when she'd caught sight of something shiny jammed in the corner of the otherwise empty trunk, she'd reached inside. When her fingers met cool metal, she pulled up the object with surprise. It was the key. She'd almost forgotten about it, tucked away in her trunk as it had been since that night she'd made love with Severus. No, not Severus, Snape, she reminded herself.

And she found herself crying, weeping, as she remembered when Severus had given it to her. She remembered him kissing her, wondered what that would be like now – or at least in an alternate now, one where he wasn't caught up in all the Death Eater nonsense, one where she wasn't going out with James Potter.

She was tempted to go and give the key back to him, but frankly, she didn't think she could stand the idea of seeing him right now. Every time they passed in the corridors, caught a glimpse of each other over breakfast in the Great Hall, Lily felt as though she'd been stabbed through the heart. Perhaps, she thought, if she just avoided him she could pretend he didn't exist and lift this emotionally draining shadow that seemed to be engulfing her.

But, despite the bellowing voice of reason and the dictate of common sense, she couldn't just throw the key away. Sighing, she knew what she had to do. She picked it up and made her way down to the cave.

The last time she'd been down here she'd been naked, writhing with Severus – Snape – no, it was definitely Severus then – on the transfigured bed, him taking her to ecstasy-filled heights, promising to love her for eternity.

Eternity appeared to be a very short time.

But still, it wasn't as if she could just shove all her feelings for him away; deep down she was terrified for him, for what Lord Voldemort might do to him. And if that were the case, he'd need more protection than she did, and with the charms on the keys, maybe with both he'd be safe. She didn't stop to think about why she still cared, that she shouldn't care about his wellbeing. She didn't want to.

She lay the silver necklace down on the upended pumpkin fizz carton that had been his, and with one warm tear rolling down her cheek, she turned and left.

And it all went from there. Before she knew it, school was over, the war was waging and James Potter had proposed. And she'd said yes. In wartime, you did what you could, hung on to those you could, and though James certainly wasn't the love of her life, he wasn't bad either. He was fighting for the right side, his heart was in the right place – it was more than she could say of Sev... Snape. Out of school James seemed have bloomed, became a man unto himself, no longer the silly little boy who messed up his own hair to look cool.

And yet she knew, they both knew, had it not been a time of war, neither of them would have married the other. It didn't matter, though, they each needed someone. And their friends and family seemed to need them. They looked on the Potters with hope, like they alone carried the promise of better times.

As the months drew on, married life became very routine. They moved into the house his parents had left him in the village of Godric's Hollow. To the outside world, everything was perfect, but behind the façade things were quite different. James became increasingly frustrated – she'd known at school his hopes had been to join a professional Quidditch team, but with the war on, that wasn't an option. They did their own thing, hung out with their own friends, sharing a bed at night out of habit and occasionally seeking each other's comfort. At least, Lily felt the sex was only for comfort, to remind each other, as each passing day more and more friends were killed, that there was another human on the planet that cared for them.

But again, it was all to change. Lily came home early one day from an assignment the Order had sent her on. It turned out Mundungus, as per usual, had heard wrong. It wasn't Death Eaters congregating at the Leaky Cauldron, it was a Deaf Beaters convention. Lily was happy, and light hearted as she made her way home, glad for once it wasn't some nasty activity of the wizarding world's underbelly.

So she'd gone home, a little relieved for some time to relax. She'd opened the door, and walked down the hall at Godric's Hollow, hung her cloak on the hook and headed for the kitchen. Heated voices ground her to a halt outside the door.

"How could you be so stupid?" James' voice was echoing through the house. He sounded absolutely furious.

"Stupid? Who says this is my fault? Merlin, Potter, it takes two to...."

It was Rose.

Lily barely had time to conceive this as being particularly odd, considering she hadn't seen Rose since the last day of Hogwarts, before her voice floated into the hall again. "I'm not the one who's married."

"I thought the plan was to convince Lily the baby was hers," James said, and as Lily stood in the hall, listening, she could almost see him shaking his head. Baby?

"Why? Why can't we just tell her?"

"Why? Because you are Rose Evans – nobody likes you, nobody respects you–"

Rose answered, but Lily could hear the hurt in her voice. "I think we should just tell her, get it out in the open. Lily's so smart. She'll know what to do to keep Voldemort away–"

"Yeah, if she doesn't hex us both to oblivion first. Ever think of that, Rosie?"

Lily's heart sunk. James had betrayed her, and with her sister of all people. Worse still, instead of showing Gryffindor courage, he was trying to cover it all up. At her expense.

"Yes," Rose replied, but for once she didn't sound spiteful. She sounded pained.

But it was nothing to the pain inside Lily. She could feel her insides being torn apart. No, James Potter was not her great love, but she had learned to love him all the same, and here he was, off getting another woman pregnant. No, not another woman, her twin sister, of all people. Her disowned twin sister.

"No one can know about this!" James yelled, his voice so loud it hurt her ears. "It would never work. You have that thing, that Mark on your arm. Voldemort owns you."

"He doesn't own me!" Rose bellowed. "I don't have to be on his side, I don't have to be on anyone's side. I could come join you. We could run away from it all...." She was pleading with him, begging him.

"You'd better bloody run away, Rose Evans!" Lily yelled, storming into the kitchen, unable to tolerate another word of their scheming. She didn't know who she was angrier with – her deceitful sister or her cheating husband.

"Lily...Lily..." James spluttered.

"I will deal with you later," Lily hissed at him, whirling around on her sister. "Get out!"

"Lily, I didn't mean..."

"You don't ever mean anything, do you Rose? Now, get out of my house and away from my husband. And don't ever come back!"

Rose gave James a desperate look, but when he shrugged his shoulders at her, she left, her head hanging in defeat.

"She tricked me, Lil," James began, looking at her with his big eyes.

"She tricked you? You're telling me after all these years you can't tell me apart from...from her?"

"It was dark and..."

But he was speaking to her back. Lily had turned, grabbed her cloak back off the stand and headed for the door. "I don't want to hear it!" she yelled back at him.

"Lily, please. Come back, let's talk it over! What will people think?" He'd looked absolutely pathetic standing there, begging her to stay, running his hand through his messy black hair, and his reasoning almost made her physically sick.

"I don't give a damn what people think!"

And she left.

*****

She hadn't gone back, instead she'd gone to stay with Mary. Though they'd drifted apart over the last few years, her friend had given her a bed, and opened her house to her. But Lily hadn't opened up to her in return; she didn't know why she'd told Mary that James was away and with the war on she just didn't feel safe. And daily, almost hourly, owls would arrive from James, continuing to insist he hadn't known it was Rose that night. Deep down she knew he was lying, but a little part of her had nagging doubts. The part that wanted to pretend to the world that everything was okay in the supposedly sacred marriage of Lily and James Potter. Everyone looked upon them as saints. So far from the truth it was laughable, apparently.

Finally, Lily could take the doubt no longer. She did something she never thought she'd do again, and perhaps against her better judgement, but of late her judgement had been somewhat impaired. She contacted Severus Snape.

When she met him, down a dark walkway in Knockturn Alley, she could hardly believe the man she was looking at was Severus. He was gaunter that ever, his dark eyes so distant she could no longer see into them. Compared to the boy she'd met all those years ago, he was an empty shell.

"Lily," he spoke her name quietly as she approached him.

"Do you have what I asked for?" she enquired, not stopping to say hello.

He had reached out to touch her cheek, but he had halted mid-air at her crisp tone, his hand falling limply to his side.

"I do." He paused, watching her. "What intrigues me, though, is what you need it for."

"Not to use against your precious leader, if that's what you mean," Lily replied sharply. She was so filled with hatred for him, but at the same time felt like breaking down and crying in his arms. No, not his arms, twelve-year-old Severus' arms. Life had been so much simpler then.

"Although that does offer comfort, that is not what I meant."

"Yeah, wouldn't want your dear Lord Voldemort spilling all his secrets, Merlin knows what he's got on you, hey, Sev?" she snapped, and shuddered at the thought, at the things he might have done.

"Lily," he said her name, sounding pained. "That's not what I meant. I meant, it would be foolish to try to go after him armed only with Veritaserum."

"I hardly think you're in a position to tell me what would be foolish, Severus Snape."

His mouth set in a firm line. "So, what do you want it for?"

"It's personal," she said evasively.

He looked at her, and she couldn't read his face. "That wouldn't have stopped you a few years ago."

She sighed. "That was then."

There was an awkward pause. "Potter... he's not mistreating you?" his voice was toneless, hollow, but just for a moment Lily thought she saw something flicker across his face, a fleeting emotion.

She wasn't about to tell him, tell him her cheating husband had knocked up her sister. Not him, of all people. She lied. "He's a perfect gentleman."

"He had better be," Severus snapped.

Just for a moment, Lily felt herself fall apart inside, felt her lip bottom lip quiver.

And he reached out and touched her, brushed her cheek. And she didn't pull away. She hated to admit it, but his contact made her feel better, if only for a moment. Before she knew what was happening, he was kissing her, his lips seeking hers, his mouth demanding. A flutter of the past filled her, a deep, longing, needy ache that consumed her, inside and out.

But visions of the Mark on his arm, of her sister and James together flashed through her mind, offering reason to her desperate mind. No, she wasn't going to be like cheating James, she was better than that! She hastily pulled back.

He sighed, defeated. He reached into his pocket and drew out a small vile. He studied it for a moment before handing it over.

His fingers brushed hers as she took it, his hand lingering for a moment. Lily didn't rush to snap her hand back. Just for a moment she allowed herself to wonder what life would have been like if she'd ignored Snape's move to Voldemort's side and stuck with him. But she knew that hadn't been an option. She could never have lived knowing he was part of all the terror Voldemort was inflicting on people, innocent people. What had compelled him to do that? Why had he joined Voldemort? Things could have been so different!

Finally, she drew her hand away.

He broke eye contact, turned away. "Take care, Lily," he said. And then he was gone, lost to the shadows.

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AN: Thanks to my wonderful beta and her razor-sharp whip – look out, hun, I'm pulling mine out next!