Conflagration
Chapter 18 of 18
ShanastayAhhh first meetings... You can never underestimate the importance of first impressions.
Disclaimer:
Shana: Do I really have to keep doing this?
Kim: For legal purposes, yes.
Shana: Damn.
Kim: *rolls eyes* Any recognizable characters contained herein belong to JK Rowling. Only the plot and original characters belong to Shanastay. No copyright infringement is intended and no monies of any form are made from this.
Shana: Thank you.
Kim: No problem. Now, WRITE!
Shana: *mutters* Demanding bitch.
Chapter 18: Conflagration
The ebony raven went utterly still in her lap, its black gaze locked on hers. It didn't so much as twitch, the whites of its eyes showing in its wild eyes.
A self-satisfied smirk grew on the witch's face. "It would seem that Albus left out a rather important piece of information when he was briefing me about you."
The bird broke from its statue-like stillness, shaking its head violently.
"Oh, yes, I know that's you, Severus Snape. I must say this is a rather ingenious way of gaining access to the school and my rooms. Why Albus told me you would be using Polyjuice to approach me, if you could do this, makes no sense."
Again, the raven shook its head.
Shaluinn narrowed her gaze at the bird, mind working quickly. "He didn't know, did he?" She took her hand from the avian's back, still stroking his downy breast, wondering idly why he didn't leap at the opportunity to escape her grasp.
He let out a crow that sounded suspiciously like a "yes" and hooded his eyes, leaning into her touch ever so slightly.
He's actually enjoying this attention. If I actually, truly knew this man, I would probably be mortified by the idea that I'm touching him in a rather intimate manner, even if he is a bird at the moment. She moved her hand slightly, scratching lightly up under his throat.
His eyes closed completely at that, beak opening slightly to emit a rumbling purr.
Oh, he definitely likes that. Curiouser and curiouser. "So correct me if I'm wrong..." She waited until he was looking at her again. "...but Albus didn't know you were an Animagus."
Shaluinn dropped her hand to her lap, only to have it immediately pecked at. She lifted her hands out of range defensively, meeting his obsidian gaze. "Okay, okay! You don't want me to stop. I get it!" The witch brought both hands down to brush along either side of his body, by his wings.
He responded by unfurling his wings, draping them across each of her thighs. This granted her access to his sensitive sides, where wings met body.
She trailed her fingertips up and down the receptive spots, watching as his eyes once again drifted shut, head thrown back, a purr again emitting from his breast. It was all she could do to contain the laughter bubbling up into her chest. Gods, this is so absurd and utterly wrong. I'm either playing with a highly intelligent bird, or molesting the man I'm supposed to be helping, even if he is currently a raven.
"Goddess, I really hope I'm not making an utter fool of myself here. I'm going to feel very foolish if you turn out to be just a bird. Then again, if you are just a bird, what harm could possibly come of me waxing philosophical?"
Like her words were some kind of trigger, the raven leapt out of her lap, circling the room once, before diving toward the bank of windows.
Shaluinn was on her feet and striding forward.
In a flutter of feathers, the large bird came in for a landing, the transformation beginning before he touched the ground. Before her eyes, the avian became a large, black-clad man, crouched in front of her. As he brought himself to his full height, she struck.
Her right hand flew out, sliding over the side of his face and past his ear, into his lank hair, her fingers tightly grasping a handful of hair painfully, by the roots. She had stepped forward with her right foot as her right hand shot up. Right arm straight and locked out, she didn't hesitate, pivoting to her left, so her hips were squared, as she brought her arm down in front of her, forcing the startled man to bend at the waist.
Her left hand shot up to grasp the hair on the other side of his head, and she began backpedaling, feet shoulder-width apart, screaming, "DOWN ON THE GROUND! DOWN ON THE GROUND!" as she yanked forcefully on his hair, making him move with her to fall sprawled on the carpet. She moved so quickly and fluidly, it took her just over three seconds to put him on the floor.
She had bent at the hips, her arms and body angled down so that he couldn't reach out and grab her. She continued to tug on his hair, calling out orders that, in Snape's surprised state, he followed. "HANDS BEHIND YOUR BACK! CROSS YOUR ANKLES!"
He did, his features twisted in pain and rage at how completely the damned witch had turned the tables on him. One moment she had been stroking him in a manner he found decidedly erotic, and now she had attacked him! The redhead had pulled a complete 180.
Still yanking harshly on his scalp, Shaluinn lifted his head and twisted his face toward her right, putting the right side of his face against the carpet. Her right hand remained on his head, her body balanced forward, so her weight was primarily on that hand. She drew her right foot around past his head and dropped to her left knee. Her right foot pressed against his right shoulder and the side of his neck, left knee tucked against his upper arm. Her left hand caught the fingers of his right, mashing them together painfully, as she sat back on her heel, flexing his hand, wrist and arm in an excruciating position.
Snape hissed and attempted to struggle. The redhead's only response was to wrench on his trapped primary wand arm. She was only degrees off of breaking his wrist, and he couldn't afford the injury at the moment. And so he subsided, mentally cursing at the predicament he found himself in. The sound of clinking metal caught his attention before he felt cold steel encasing his wrists, along with the clicks of ratcheting gears.
Shaluinn silently summoned the hinged handcuffs she'd used while employed as a prison guard. She caught them in her right hand, rotating them in her palm so she gripped them over the center hinge, palm down. She slapped the first circle against his right wrist, the cuff ratcheting up and around to enclose his joint. She used a finger from her left hand to firmly secure it, before repeating the process on his left wrist.
The cuffs bit into his skin painfully, closed too tightly. But Callaway didn't plan on keeping him in them long. She merely needed to make a point, and was silently thanking the gods that she had paid attention when her coworker, Wheeler, had given lessons in speed-cuffing.
Snape was cursing audibly now, the handcuffs fastened so tight he was losing feeling in his hands.
Callaway pivoted and grabbed his right forearm, urging him to his feet as she stood. Just as he regained his legs, she snapped a short kick into the back of his right knee, causing him to stumble. She pressed her advantage, slamming him up against the tall, thick window. Only then did she give voice to the rage coiling in her gut.
"Severus Snape, I presume. You match the description Dumbledore gave me. And who else would seek me out in such a manner?"
Severus' mind was whirling in confusion. What the ruddy hell is going on here? Who the hell does she think she is, treating me in such a manner? And what reason does she have to be angry? I'm the one being attacked! Inexplicably, he soon found he had the answer to that question.
"Was that fun? Did you enjoy watching me? Playing the voyeur? Oh, I saw your raven-self flitting out of the room when I turned around." Damn good thing my concealing glamour is set to extend to any exposed skin, or you really would have seen some interesting things. "Did you enjoy ogling me behind my back? Did you enjoy all the attention I gave your bird-form? All that touching and stroking. Did you..."
She cut off as the enraged wizard shoved her off and turned on her, the air literally crackling with energy around his seething form. The soft music playing in the background was an odd, ironic counterpoint to the proceedings.
Shaluinn fell to the ground as he pushed her off, rolling over her shoulder and back to her feet. She flexed both of her wrists and had her wands out in an instant, falling back in the same stance Firenze had witnessed, her wands pointed directly at the advancing, bound wizard.
Enraged didn't begin to describe the Potions master's agitated state. Any self-control he retained vanished in the wake of his cresting anger. A wordless howl emanated from his chest as he stalked toward the retreating redhead. He looked positively demonic, face red and expression twisted, hair flying out in all directions. When she darted behind it, he upended her couch with a well-placed kick, still screaming incoherently.
ShitfuckshitfuckshitfuckSHITFUCK!!!
Shaluinn was duly intimidated, having so grievously misjudged her opponent. True, he couldn't even utilize wandless magic, with his hands cuffed behind his back as they were, but he could most certainly physically assault her, as she had already done him. Not the brightest idea you ever had, girl. How to get out of this? How to get out of this? FUCK!
Snape roared at her again, this time screaming actual words. "RELEASE ME NOW!" His blazing eyes still on her, he twisted to present his side, his bound hands visible. It was more than obvious what he wanted her to do.
I already know I'm going to regret this. SHIT! Working as swiftly as she could, she cast "Alohomora!" at his wrists with both wands. She immediately followed this with two Shield Charms, casting a different one simultaneously with each wand. Thank God I can carry on two simultaneous trains of thought. Anticipating an imminent magical attack, she kept moving, alternating the Shield Charms she cast, trying to preempt whatever he threw at her. She wasn't prepared for the Curse he hurled at her.
The hinge-cuffs released from Snape's wrists with a satisfying pair of clicks, dropping to the carpet with a Thunk! He glowered at the American, as he brought his hands around and began massaging his wrists, coaxing the blood back into his extremities. He was gratified by the frightened display she put on, darting around the room in an attempt to evade whatever hex he threw her way. You wish this were merely a hex.
In one fluid movement, he withdrew his wand from his sleeve and pointed it at the redhead, intoning clearly, with confidence, "Crucio!"
Shaluinn barely had time to register his choice of attacks, her wands reintegrating with her forearms, her eyes wide, as she crumpled to the floor, having not thought to put up a shield against that, not that there even was one. Her body twitched and writhed, moving with the muscle spasms induced by the Cruciatus Curse. The pain was, surprisingly, bearable. She couldn't stop her body's involuntary movements, but she could handle the mental stress.
After a year of enduring increasingly intense pain from her advancing illness, the Torture Curse was only somewhat worse than what she dealt with daily. It was bad, but not as bad as she'd expected. She kept her lips firmly pressed together, resolutely refusing to cry out, and give the bastard the pleasure of hearing her scream. Fuck you, Snape!
To say Severus was surprised by her reaction (or lack thereof) was an understatement. Gobsmacked was a better description. He stood over her writhing form, as not a single cry came from her. It was disturbing, the way she suffered in total silence. Everyone screamed. Everyone cried out in some manner, even he, who had endured it innumerable times. Who the hell is this witch?
"Finite Incantatem."
Shaluinn let out a sigh, curling into a ball on her side, arms wrapped around her midsection, facing him. She dared not turn away and expose her back. At least facing him, if he chose to kick at her, she had a shot at catching his foot and unbalancing him. Faced away, he could aim hits at her kidneys and spine, and she'd be unable to prevent them.
Snape stared down at her, his expression unreadable. This is not how this was supposed to play out.
"I suppose I kinda deserved that."
Her softly spoken words completely threw the wizard for a loop. Confusion was etched firmly across his features, as the first thing that came to his mind popped out of his mouth. "What?"
The American slowly, stiffly rolled to her hands and knees. She took several steadying breaths before repeating herself. "I suppose I deserved that," she murmured and lifted her head to meet his impenetrable gaze.
There wasn't even a hint of accusation in her voice. There was no anger present either. She said it like it was an incontrovertible fact, requiring no further analysis or discussion. Then, she smiled slightly. With that simple, honestly spoken, matter-of-fact statement, and subsequent smile, Callaway utterly disarmed the indomitable Potions master.
Severus returned his wand to his sleeve and offered the woman a hand.
Shaluinn took it, letting the wizard draw her to her feet, chuckling lightly. "Anyone ever tell you, you have an impulse control problem?"
Snape snorted, barely withholding a laugh. "And you are one to complain about such?"
Callaway arched one carefully manicured brow. "I believe that constitutes the pot calling the kettle black." She proceeded to look him up and down, giving him a frank appraisal.
Severus lifted one of his own brows in counterpoint. "Indeed."
Snape stood there, attired in his normal Professorial clothes, black from head to toe, right down to the billowing robes. He whipped these around himself, letting them swish and billow behind him as he strode over to the bank of windows and pivoted back to face the redheaded witch, gathering the fabric like a protective mantle. He glared openly as the American stifled a snicker.
Fuck it. I'm going to live up to the brash, ugly American stereotype as I just can't leave this bad "vampire impersonation" alone. "Uhm is all that robe-flapping supposed to be impressive and intimidating?" she asked, sarcasm lacing her tone.
The tall, raven-haired wizard sneered at the witch, his eyes narrowed to slits, but did not dignify her comment with a response.
She shook her head at him, arms crossed over her chest in a mockery of his posture. "Sorry, buddy, not even remotely scary."
He wasn't about to just stand there and take this. "The students seem to think it is," he sniffed, prominent nose in the air. Is she actually baiting me?
Shaluinn dropped her stance, arms spreading out in front of her as she spoke, still mocking, "There ya go! That must be it! I'm not a student. Therefore it doesn't work on me."
He sneered again. "Miss Callaway..."
"Who you callin' 'Miss'? That's Professor Callaway, as you should well know, Professor. No, Mister Snape, since you're no longer a teacher here," she tossed back.
"Clearly, you never learned to respect your elders. This is a waste of my time." He huffed dismissively and strode straight for the entrance.
"Elders?" Both her red eyebrows shot toward her hairline. "Hey, Fuckernut, I'm OLDER than you! Okay, granted it's only like six months, no, make that seven Time-Turner years and six months older, but... you're right."
That got his attention. Seven Time-Turner years? Wondering what the hell she was playing at, he turned back just shy of the entrance, one black brow rising, inviting her to elaborate, his posture still closed and defensive.
Like a switch had been flicked, Shaluinn felt herself losing her grasp on the situation and her emotions and knew she really couldn't afford to let this wizard just walk away. It was like watching a car wreck happen. You had no control and couldn't help but watch it happen. So, she just let it play out, praying her instincts were kicking her in the right direction.
"This is a waste of your time. And mine." She watched his brow drop and eyes narrow.
"Go ahead and leave. Then everything you and Albus have done will have been for nothing. His death will have been meaningless." Snape was still there.
She made shooing motions with her hands. "No, seriously, go! Walk on out of here like you are now, wearing your true face. I'll lay odds you don't make it out of the castle. Go on!" She was getting good and worked up, gesturing wildly when her hands weren't set on her hips. Caught by the same car wreck, he couldn't help but watch. "Why the fuck should I care? This is YOUR damn war, not mine.
"Yeah, my family was killed by a Death Eater, but I got more than a piece of him. I already took my 'eye for an eye.' Come on, Snape! Walk away from me. Walk out that door!" She pointed for effect. Shaluinn was into a full-blown rant. "I'll be right behind you because I'll no longer have ANY reason to be here. IT DOESN'T MATTER TO ME! If this whole fucking thing draws out long enough, I won't even live to see the end! So, what the fuck do I care?
"Make up your mind, Snape! You coming or going? Leaving or staying? Are you with me, with Albus, or are you so fucking selfish and bent on suicide, you'll throw away our last, best hope of ending this war sooner, rather than later: you. DECIDE NOW, BECAUSE I DON'T FUCKING CARE!!!" As she finished, a violent explosion was heard, as all the candles in the room, and the fireplace, suddenly burst into violent flame.
Snape took a half-step back from the visibly seething witch, his eyes widening slightly. He knew full well that the explosions had been caused by a powerful backwash of magic emanating from her. Pyromancer. The wards ingrained in the very stones of Hogwarts had taken the unfocused, unharnessed magic she had produced and channeled it into the least destructive outlet available.
I'm beginning to understand why Albus paired me with this... American. She must be a powerful witch indeed to gather and release that kind of magic with no exterior source. Her magic is clearly driven by her emotions. This could be very... interesting.
Shaluinn watched the raven-haired wizard considering her words. It hadn't been the most articulate outburst she'd ever produced, laced with profanity as it was, but she hoped she'd been able to get her point across. The magical backwash she'd let off had definitely captured his attention.
She'd done that unintentionally, forgetting as she got herself worked up what the inevitable result of her losing her temper would be. Her Pyromancy had ever been just barely under control, the power ebbing and rising with her emotional state. She was beyond grateful that the magic had been channeled as it had. Previous instances of her losing it like that had resulted in houses, and even an entire city block, going up in flames. As it was, she was pretty sure that a good quarter of the hearths in the castle had suddenly burst into flame.
He didn't have to like her, but he was going to have to work with her. Assuming he didn't just leave right now. Apparently coming to a decision, and making a concession to her earlier comments, the redhead was relieved to watch him shed his robe and hang it on the coat tree she'd placed by the entrance.
"Now, I believe I have something to show you."
"You believe?" The eyebrow went up again.
Shaluinn ignored the comment and moved down the length of the room, followed by the Potions master. Turning her back to the windows, she pointed to her left. "What do you see?"
"A door, why?"
"That fuckernut!"
"Pardon?" Two black brows soared toward his hairline.
"Not you. Albus." She shook her head. "Thank you! Up until this moment I thought I was the only one who could see it!" she said with obvious relief. "I was starting to think I was nuts."
"Indeed."
"Bite me. Every time McGonagall has been in here, she has behaved like it wasn't there. When I asked her the question I just asked you, she looked at me like I'd gone crazy and told me it was a blank wall."
"Ah."
Shaluinn glared openly at the Potions master who coolly returned her gaze, blinking innocently. A glint in her eye, a malevolent smile began to grow on her face. With a sweep of her arm, she offered, "After you, sir."
Snape narrowed his gaze at her again, before crossing his left arm over his chest and lifting his right hand to pinch the bridge of his nose. He was swiftly becoming aggravated with her extreme hot-and-cold mood swings.
Dropping his hand, he found she was still in the same position as before, that malicious smile plastered on her face. Sweet Merlin, Albus! What have you gotten me involved in? Relenting, he swept past her and into the room in question, lighting the braziers with a flick of his hand.
He froze on the threshold, eyes darting around the room, recognizing an extensive Potions lab in the process of being completed. He turned to the first shelf and began perusing its contents, reaching out with lithe fingers to lovingly caress a jar containing a particularly rare ingredient. His gaze snapped sharply back to the doorway as the American witch spoke to him, her expression one of suppressed delight.
"I had a sneaking suspicion you'd know just what to do with this room." She winked at him. "I'll leave you to it. If you get hungry, I'm having Dobby bring a late dinner up. The bathroom, water closet, whatever you Brits call it..." She jerked her thumb over her shoulder. "...is straight through there. And if I catch you going through my underwear drawer, I'll put a broadhead arrow in your ass."
She smiled then, a grin that lit up her eyes, and vanished out the open door, leaving an out-of-sorts Potions master in her wake. Is she normally this volatile, emotions swinging back and forth like a pendulum? Or is she putting on some kind of performance for my benefit? This American witch is a confusing contradiction of a mystery, wrapped in an enigma. But she is my only credible link to the Order. Turning his attention back to exploring the room, he relegated his misgivings about the redhead to the back of his mind.
TBC...
A/N: The move Shaluinn uses to take down Snape is an actual defensive tactic taught to Corrections Officers (prison guards) in Washington State. It's called a "two-hand hair-hold take-down." It employs speed, balance disruption, and pain compliance. It's designed to be effectively used by a smaller, weaker person (read female) against a much larger opponent. So it's realistic for this move to be successful against the larger-than-Shaluinn Snape. With the element of surprise, it is VERY effective.
Shaluinn being able to "handle" the Cruciatus Curse is also plausible in that everyone has different pain tolerance levels. Someone who has lived for an extended period of time in a constant state of pain would have a corresponding increase in their tolerance to other forms of pain. Physiologically what has happened is that it takes a greater/higher stimulus to cause the requisite nerves and neurons to fire and elicit a "normal" response. So she isn't in any less pain, her brain simply does not recognize and acknowledge the electrical pulses as a healthy, normal human's would. I work in a hospital Emergency Room and have seen this fact first-hand.
Thank you to everyone who has stuck with me through the ups and downs and most importantly my beta, Kim, who is always there when I (finally) have an update.
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Latest 25 Reviews for The Lies You Tell Yourself
27 Reviews | 5.56/10 Average
Yo! No compaints here! I enjoyed your genderbending as much as I have enjoyed Lotm's too ( in my own sick demented crack head way!) (That last comment is my eldest sons loving term he calls me when I'm silly ,..... crack head. Its ok I love him right back with Fuckernut ;) ) Anywho, good chappie, serves moine right for trying to break in. Glad to see Harry is getting more and more efficient with his wand.....(well that's another story ;) right?? ) Man am I in a mood today LOL! What?? I know, I'm always this way, in the gutta!! Keep up the good work, catcha later
Response from Shanastay (Author of The Lies You Tell Yourself)
Not the gutter... the SEWER! You are my newest sewer-dweller!
A second secret, well, lets see......How about she experiences all of the other person's feelings and thoughts?? That sounds kinda good to me, let me know If I'm close. As for being short, well as long as you dont make a habit of it LOL! Another good chappie and I am definatly looking foward to more, oh and one more thing. If you did decide to just abandon this one, just remember, I know were your moving too....LOL ;)) Later
Response from Shanastay (Author of The Lies You Tell Yourself)
You know I'm not giving anything away... not in my author notes anyway. And DUH you know where I'm going. I'm moving in with you! Thanks for leaving a review. I love to see people coming back for more.
i feel sorry for her now that she shows she is human and not all mighty good chapter
Response from Shanastay (Author of The Lies You Tell Yourself)
Thank you! I'm SOOO glad you've stuck with me! I'm waiting for 16 to come back from my beta and will post that. I think you'll like that one. *wink wink, nudge nudge*
Great imagery here. I can nearly visualize her body and how it looks. I wonder, however, what Snape will think, knowing he thinks she still looks like a "hottie" as she did before.
Response from Shanastay (Author of The Lies You Tell Yourself)
Thank you. That is an entirely valid concern that I hope I will address sufficiently. I've already written most of the scene where he finds out what's up and it's undergone several revisions. I'll be interested to see what you think of that chapter when it goes up.As always, I appreciate your feedback and support more than you will ever know. I hope to have the next chapter submitted for validation sometime tomorrow. *crosses fingers* It's a doozy!
I laughed at the prank Severus pulled. That was hilarious! Ahahaha! I like the way the story is shaping up. I am not a bow/arrow person, so I tend to skim some of that, though my son shoots them. I just can't wait for things to get on and for them to actually get together. ;)
Response from Shanastay (Author of The Lies You Tell Yourself)
I saw that windex commercial and just had to pay homage.I understand glossing over the archery stuff. It's there because it will have a bearing later in the story. They will be meeting up within the next 2 chapters. Chapter 14 is going to put an *ahem* interesting spin on how Snape looks at her, not to mention all women. *snicker* No, I'm not telling!I'm glad you're enjoying this!*hugs*
I love a snarky Madam Hooch. She's one of my fave minor characters.
Response from Shanastay (Author of The Lies You Tell Yourself)
Me too! I have to admit I fell in love with her character after I saw the first movie. I dig the actress they chose to play her. I can just see her and Snape trading sarcastic barbs (pre-HBP). Thank you for the review! *hugs*
Response from Southern_Witch_69 (Reviewer)
I definitely tend to agree. The movie Hooch was just perfect. I use Hooch in my stories and always have her sniping at Snape. Teehee!
Response from Shanastay (Author of The Lies You Tell Yourself)
Great minds think alike! *snicker*
*Bouncing up and down, clapping hands, huge grin on face, chanting* I gotta mention, I gotta mention!! That was great! Send by guys back when they are finished visiting. They were so excited to come BTW!!Love the chappie, I can't wait to see how this all works out! Its cool he's an animagus now, but it also could have been interestingly funny to see how he would handle being a girl! LOL, I'm still really sad about Dumbledor tho, but I guess JKR knows what she's doing. Anywho, thanks for the mention, the great chappie and most of all for being generous and giving me two chappies back to back ;)
Response from Shanastay (Author of The Lies You Tell Yourself)
I'll bring the guys with when I head down there. Using them for moving labor at the moment. :) *hugs* thanks for reviewing! Next chapter should be up in a couple of days.
Nope! No mangling of charaters here! I loved it,of course!! You know I do!! I really like the fact that she is unwittingly channelling Snape! Set them back a few pegs Heh, Heh, Heh, Ok now woman *rubbs hands togather* Wheres chapter 12!! More More More, NOW! ok, not working that way, then how about PLEEEAAASSSEE??
Response from Shanastay (Author of The Lies You Tell Yourself)
Your enthusiasm is infectious, as always. I'm working hard on the upcoming chapters, bouncing around a bit in my scattered state. 12 is pending validation and should be up, hopefully, by mid-week.Thank you again for always bolstering me with such positive feedback. *hugs and other silly drunken behavior*
This is getting vera good
Response from Shanastay (Author of The Lies You Tell Yourself)
*dances with delight* You're still with me! Thank you again for catching that discrepancy a few chapters back. I hope I fixed things up adequately.Thank you for the review! *hugs*
Its getting hot in here, so hot, so take off all your clothes! Sorry...couldn't help myself! What a really good chappie! I don't care what anyone says, I like dream visitations, yea its been done before but....hell whats one more time! after all its not the type of wand you use, it how you weild it ( I think I spelled that right) Good Job and I am surely looking foward to more!!Thanks, Linwe
Response from Shanastay (Author of The Lies You Tell Yourself)
*hugs* I wub woo! It's "wield" by the way.
Response from Shanastay (Author of The Lies You Tell Yourself)
Ohhh yeah, much more to come. I've got something truly wrong planned for a rendition of the "First-years speech." You're gonna love it!
I think the explanation for your character is a good one. Sometimes, I'll admit, she did seem like supergirl, but now that we are learning more of her past and flaws, it's so much more acceptable. Things are coming together nicely.
Response from Shanastay (Author of The Lies You Tell Yourself)
I hadn't realized how I would turn readers off with the character initially looking "all-powerful." Being the author I know what's up with her and what's going on "behind the scenes" so when I read it I see something different. It's an act. She is hiding a lot and trying to make herself look "all that." She knows she's not, and as more chapters go up everyone will see how flawed she is (or at least stop calling her a Mary-Sue, I hope. Gads I hate that). It's all about being a perfectionist (I know I'm one). I like my OFCs human. But part of being human is making mistakes. I think her attitude and secrets might just hurt her more than she realizes. So many secrets...Thank you for all the positive and constructive feedback! *hugs*southern_witch_69's response: Readers, self included, are just too impatient to get it all out in the open. LOL... Patience is a virtue. ;)
I've not noticed any glaring grammatical errors as per the review on here. I suppose it depends on preference, as they said. Anyway, I have to second that this OFC is thoroughly defined and obviously thought out. Most that I come across don't have so much depth and backstory. Keep up the good work.
Response from Shanastay (Author of The Lies You Tell Yourself)
*drowning in all the praise* You do realize this makes me want to spend all my time writing now? Thank you so much! I really have tried to make my OFC well rounded and 3-dimensional. As I think I mentioned before she is based partially on a real-life friend who is every bit as complex as the character. Thank you again! *hugs*
All I can say is ... wow... it's hot in here. Very nicely done, dear. I like dream meetings. Teeehee...
Response from Shanastay (Author of The Lies You Tell Yourself)
*blushes* Thank you, thank you, thank you! High praise indeed!
I have been try to read this story and get into it but I just cant get pass your original character. She is just too perfect from her size to her abilities. I won't use the Mary Sue term but its a close call. I would have stopped reading sooner but I wanted to see if someone would finally put her in her place.When she used her skills to show up the children was the last straw for me. If someone like an american can have such skills and those types of wands, so could the Order and Aurors which would make their jobs easier. It just doesnt sit with me well. Nobody has shields that good even Dumbledore like when he fought against Voldemort. Neither did. Its a magical world not a physical worldThis character would be better suited in an original story with a woman heroine instead of here. You have a great writing ability so dont think that I dont appreciate your ability. I just like a more normal character who have faults and normal abilities like all else.Good luck with the rest but I will not be following
Response from Shanastay (Author of The Lies You Tell Yourself)
*runs off to beat up her 7 beta-faries* You have several very valid points. I've done a re-write of the chapter to hopefully rectify these problems. I'm not divulging the secrets of her wands just yet as that comes out in a later chapter which also explains why no one else would really want to do what she did to disable summoning spells on her wands.The shielding issue is now a non-issue *raps beta-faires on backs of heads*. Won't come up again.Showing up the children? Gads, I didn't mean it to play off like that. I just wanted to get across the idea that she has something to contribute.As to someone having multiple incredible abilities... The character is actually based off a real-life person I know who was a martial arts world champion and is currently a compound archery world champion. So it is actually possible, as my friend does exist (and she's built like the proverbial "brick house" to boot *curses her luck*).I'm sorry I've put you off. I hope you will read the revamped chapter. If it is still not to your tastes, again I'm sorry. I've tried to address the issues you've brought to my attention and for that I am grateful.
Response from snapes_faerie (Reviewer)
I will go read it again and am glad that you are not up set about what I said I have to go to class but will catch up tonight hopefully
Response from Shanastay (Author of The Lies You Tell Yourself)
I've added a LOT to upcoming chapters in response to your criticisms and hopefully the explanations allay your concerns. I think I was trying to draw out the mystery a bit too far. Chapter 8 will explain her appearance in greater depth. There's a good deal of backstory there.No, I'm not upset by what you had to say. I welcome sincere and valid criticism, which is exactly what you gave me. In response to someone else's review I asked that I be called on making the character "unbelievable." You did that. Sometimes it is too easy to let your imagination run away and you don't realize just how far you've strayed from your chosen path. I really, truly hope the character and story make more sense now. I hate losing readers because I screwed up, especially when it's fixable.I had to laugh that it was my beta fairy that got all huffy about the criticism as I whapped her for not doing her job and alerting me before I posted.Happy re-reading and thank you again for taking the time to share your thoughts. Too few people are brave enough to speak up.
This is a wonderfully strong original character, and I enjoyed this chapter a lot. I will be looking forward to seeing where this story goes.
Response from Shanastay (Author of The Lies You Tell Yourself)
Thank you for the compliment. In Shaluinn I've tried to create a character who has a strong, indepedent, personality, yet is still feminine. It is often hard to strike a believable balance between the "Zena Warrior Princess," who is able to hold her own against strong males, and the "damsel in distress," who is always needing to be saved. The character is largely based on an extraordinary, and very real, person I know. If I end up taking her in an "unbelievable" direction, please nudge me back on the straight and narrow.
For the Krum part, I was like, "WTF is Snape doing there? Thought he was off flying?" LOLI don't blame Snape for ... investigating further. teehee
Response from Shanastay (Author of The Lies You Tell Yourself)
Oh, it is SO gratifying to know that my misdirect worked!!! *hugs* Thank you! *snicker* I couldn't resist the baby-crack-plot-bunny's gender bender. I mean, really, if you were a guy transformed into a girl wouldn't you be just a bit curious???Thank you so much for stopping in and leaving a review!
Ok, sorry, forgot to rate you fic, I am so the absent minded professor!! My humble appologies.
Response from Shanastay (Author of The Lies You Tell Yourself)
Awwww. I wub woo!
Wow! That was so great! I had really thought it was Snape instead of Victor in the hallway, the whole time I was thinking WTF! How'd he get in there?? Good twist! Its good she now has to tell Minerva about her Leukemia. She needs for someone to know. To have some kind of support. Its a good thingI am waiting for my next up date please! Awsome job with the gender bending BTW. ;) Cant wait for more!
Response from Shanastay (Author of The Lies You Tell Yourself)
Thank you for dropping by. So I actually had you fooled with the Snape/Krum thing? Excellent. I was going through GoF and saw the similarities in their appearances and just had to play a bit.Glad you liked the gender-bender. I blame Lotm entirely for giving me the courage to shine daylight on my depraved crack-smoking plot-bunnies.I'm working on the next chapter and with people like you on my butt it will be ready by mid-week.Don't mind me... I'm in a "mood."
And another chapter of suspenceful goodness! Has chapter 14 been submitted? Huh?! Huh?! I know I've read it, but I want to come here and read it. It's just that good!By the way, I do not say such things as "Bwahbwahbwah…" It's more of a "Bwahhhaahhabaaahhh..." I'm just saying... Cheers!
Response from Shanastay (Author of The Lies You Tell Yourself)
Do I need to beat you, my dearest beta-fairy? Of course 14 has been submitted. Waiting on validation now. Couldn't have done it without your somewhat dubious help. No, I'm kidding! You are the best and you keep me in line. This fic wouldn't have gone anywhere without you! *huggles* I wub woo!
Another amazing chappie!! Congrats to you and keep up the good work! I just loved the part with the sliding glass door! Priceless! And what is up with Hoochie??? hhmmm she's being a bit too nosy. I guess we shall see what she's up to.. Oh and thanks for the mention, Those two really have messed up the kitchen more than once, but hey, you really can't stay mad at them in all their elvie goodness......aaaahhh twins!
Response from Shanastay (Author of The Lies You Tell Yourself)
Hoochie? *snickering* The next chapter just got finished and sent off to the beta. Lots of things will come to light... Stay tuned! Thank you for another great review!
Love this character so far. Have you read 'The ancient future' by Traci Harding. She reminds me of the heroine in that story. Tough and feisty. Hate swearing, but in this it just seems to fit. Also love the intro dialogue...crazy!Keep up the great work, your descriptions are really vivid. Feels like I am actually there. One thing that people compromise on in fanfic is describing the scenery. Love that you have taken the time and effort to thoroughly describe her surroundings. Can't wait for the next installment - and the countdown to meeting Snape.
Response from Shanastay (Author of The Lies You Tell Yourself)
Sorry about the swearing, but I'm glad you found it fit. I am articulate enough I can express myself without profanity, but where I have used it in the fic, it was meant to have a purpose. That is exactly what I was going for. I'm glad you like the way I present the disclaimers. I got the idea from a friend and make the disclaimers have their own ongoing (and hopefully funny) mini-plot.I am several chapters ahead in writing so I update at least once a week. Keep your eyes peeled for the next chapter... It's gonna be... interesting...Thank you SO much for such a lovely review! *hugs*
Love it!! really good chappie!! we are finding out more and more about her. I can't wait to see how this is going to come togather more. More please, please, please.;) SB
Response from Shanastay (Author of The Lies You Tell Yourself)
I love positive feedback. But you already know that. Thank you! With the next chapter this fic will earn its rating...
First off I love the password to her quarters!! I'm sure Glory got a chuckle out of that too! Poor sevvie! Just now being able to grieve, I sure hope he kicks the shit outta that bitch belitrix, I really don't like her at all!!I still havent' figured out her alement, Its probably staring me right in the face LOL just not seeing it. Anywho, on with the next great chappie!!
Response from Shanastay (Author of The Lies You Tell Yourself)
Serenity... I just know that's you... As always, thank you for your encouraging and appreciative feedback.*hugs*
The description of her quarters was very nice. That carpet would make me want to sleep on the floor too. Your descriptions painted a picture in my mind and allowed me to "feel" the scene as though I were there. Wonderful!
Response from Shanastay (Author of The Lies You Tell Yourself)
Feeling as well as vision was exactly what I was going for. Thank you for letting me know I succeeded! *hugs all around*
I?m interested so far, but I?ve found several grammatical errors as well as some awkward language in the descriptions. Maybe that?s just a personal preference, but nonetheless.
I am surprised you don?t have more reviews. OC?s in HP can be difficult to pimp since people are so fixated on the canon characters. Although, I have to say that this is one of the best OC?s I?ve seen enter into the HP universe. Even if she has some blatant HP Sue qualities (American, physically and magically superior, etc) it is easy to see through to the character you?ve created.
I look forward to reading more. This story is the first addition to my favorites list.
BTW, I?m glad I?m not your beta. I?ve never seen a writer badmouth their beta like that in response to a review. Granted, you didn?t say anything terrible, but you?re the writer. You?re responsible for the content you post. I didn?t even notice a mention of a beta, so they don?t get any credit and then they get disparaged for their work? I?d hate to see the writers I beta for treat me like that if I made a mistake.
Anyway, nice story. I found it poignant that both Snape and Shaluinn should break down, together but separate. I look forward to seeing where these characters go, and what?s going to happen when they finally meet.
Response from Shanastay (Author of The Lies You Tell Yourself)
Grammatical errors? Hmmm. Would you mind at all sending me a PM pointing them out? I think my writing style may be to blame for that problem.I'm glad you like Shaluinn. I'm trying to stay away from HP Sue characteristics as much as I can but I do subscribe to the theory of "write what you know." Being an American myself I made the OC American as I don't feel qualified to create a British character believably. I simply don't know enough. As to being physically superior, I'm guessing you're referring to her taking down Hermione and Ron? Please correct me if I'm wrong. I'm not trying to portray her as superior, rather she was able to gain the upper hand, having training and skills the others don't. If she's not very careful she's gonna get her ass handed to her rather easily. As it's coming out in later chapters, you'll hopefully see that a lot of what she's doing is acting.Magically surperior? She's not, or at least I didn't write her to be. I know somewhere I had her actually say she's not qualified to teach them (Golden Trio) anything magically related. She's good in certain areas and can do things some people can't just because she approaches things from a different angle and has had different/unique training. She only beat the Golden Trio in that short-lived duel because she got DAMN LUCKY. That's how I intended it anyway. She's really just a pawn in the game, and doesn't actually understand the role she's meant to play.As to my betas, what I wrote was actually one of their ideas. When I sent off a copy of the review she wrote back, "You gonna beat us with a hard-cover book now since you got hit with a book-spine last week?" She was kidding, and knew I was joking around. I didn't intend for it to come off as badmouthing my betas, especially since they didn't take it that way at all. Whole thing has actually become a massive running joke with them putting all kinds of outrageous suggestions into our correspondence. But seriously, I'm sorry if I offended you. That particular review led to a nice conference where we all discussed and elaborated on our expectations for each other (I beta stuff for them as well as they beta me). I realize I am responsible for what I write. I guess the lot of us just have a really twisted sense of humor. (Maybe that's why we all get along... hmmmm...) And the primary beta actually appears in the disclaimers per her preference *coughKimcough* the rest aren't actually betas, just dear friends who like to have a first look at everything I write, and in return throw their honest opinions my way. They like to stay under the radar just in case I manage to stick my foot in my mouth all the way to my kneecaps (which it seems I have managed). They've never gotten huffy about my criticism, they actually got pissy about what another reviewer wrote. The comment being, "You're taking this a lot better than we would."I'm really glad you liked the parallels I'm drawing between Snape and Shaluinn. It's partly coincidence and partly, maybe, something else.Thank you for the feedback. I hope I have cleared up any confusion I inadvertantly caused.