Fatal Attraction
Chapter 7 of 18
ShanastayThe Golden Trio and Callaway have a chat.
Disclaimer: (In the spirit of Crimson Starlight)
Shana: *sitting in chair, staring off into space, a goofy look on her face*
Kim: *poke* Hon?
Shana: *heavy sigh*
Kim: *blink* What the hell? *notices wizard lurking in dark corner*
Snape: *innocently inspecting fingernails*
Kim: YOU!
Snape: *looks up* Are you addressing me, madam?
Kim: You're damn straight I'm talkin' to you!
Snape: *eyebrow*
Kim: Oh, no you don't! That look will not work on me!
Snape: *drops first brow, lifts opposite one* Really?
Kim: *melts* Okay, I give!
Snape: *smirks*
Kim: Shanastay owns only Shaluinn. All others belong to the genius of JK Rowling. No monies are made on this. But *points* can I keep him?
Shana: *still in a daze* No.
Kim: Damn.
Chapter 7: Fatal Attraction
It had been just over a week since Dumbledore's death, and Severus found himself pacing back and forth like a caged animal. He could take about half a dozen steps before hitting a wall. The Potions master was quickly wearing a rut in the carpet.
Voldemort had appropriated an abandoned Muggle estate in the countryside as the Death Eaters' base of operations. The manor house was a sprawling conglomeration of old architecture and modern additions. The last owner had gone bankrupt with all the work done on the house, and the bank had repossessed it several years prior. The estate had lain empty until the wizards had moved in. The realtor and bank handling the property had subsequently, and rather conveniently, "forgotten" about it.
Snape's suite was second in size only to the Dark Lord's, befitting the man who had taken out one of the greatest wizards in history.
Disgust, shame, and self-loathing warred for supremacy within the tightly-controlled former professor. It was all making him ill. More than half the food he managed to choke down came back up later. If possible, his skin had become even more sallow and his hair greasier. He couldn't feel, not really, not where he currently stood.
In the middle of Death Eater Ground Zero he could not afford to show even the tiniest bit of emotion contrary to the cause. He could not drop his guard for a moment. He could not get drunk. He could not let himself go. He could not grieve. He couldn't even place adequate wards on his rooms to keep others out without arousing suspicion.
The tall, thin man ceased his pacing before one of the two wing-back chairs, the only furniture that occupied the sitting room. Turning slightly, Severus lifted both hands to run his fingers through his hair as he dropped into the chair behind him. Snape let his left hand fall to the arm of the chair, his right elbow against the armrest. His right index and thumb came up to pinch the bridge of his nose, his brow furrowed against the now-constant migraine he was nursing.
He had no other options. He had to get out of there. The question was, how?
Lost in thought and concentration, Severus somehow missed the presence that invaded his rooms. That is, until two slender, pale arms slid up and over the back of the chair he was seated in, to grasp his tensed shoulders.
Snape's reaction was immediate. He flew up, out of the chair, spinning to face the unwelcome visitor, wand drawn, robes flaring out around him. His eyes narrowed further as he perceived the long, wavy, black hair and the black eyes lit by insanity peering at him over the back of the chair.
"Bellatrix."
"Ssssseverussss..." the unquestionably loyal Death Eater hissed back.
Wand still at the ready, Snape let his irritation show through in his voice. "I do not have time for your games, Bellatrix. What do you want? Does our Lord require my presence?" he snapped.
The woman cocked her head to the side, seeming to consider the questions. She slid around the chair toward the Potions master as she answered. "Noooo... Sssseverussss... I came to ssssseeeeee how you were doing," she drawled in a manner that was meant to be seductive.
Snape narrowed his eyes, his suspicions aroused. Voldemort is sure of my loyalties now. She must be here on her own. I shouldn't be surprised. Even after being the Bonder at my taking of the Unbreakable Vow, and its subsequent fulfillment, she does not trust me. Sadly, she is right. "I am fine, as you can see," he sneered, tucking his wand away and crossing his arms over his chest as he glared down his prominent nose at the woman.
He smoothly sidestepped as she approached, carefully keeping the dangerous woman in front of him and himself from being cornered. Had there been music playing, they almost would have looked like they were dancing with the way they circled each other.
Snape knew better than to trust Bellatrix Lestrange. Beyond the obvious fact that she was nuttier than a bag of mixed nuts, the witch was entirely too perceptive. Trying to put an end to this game, the dark wizard asked again, "What do you want?"
The woman again tried to approach the Potions master, who dodged her advances. Bellatrix tried on a pouting expression, purring, "Severus, why do you keep avoiding me? I know you haven't really celebrated your triumph over that old fool. I thought I might help you..." she offered.
It was hard for Snape to keep his face impassive at Lestrange's denigration of Dumbledore. Voice smooth as silk, he sneered, "You are only partially right, Mrs. Lestrange. I have not, and have no desire to celebrate with you."
Bellatrix's eyes flashed as she struck, wand out. "How dare you! Crucio!"
Snape deflected the curse with a wave of his hand. "Really, Bella, I expected more from you," he sniped nastily, clearly baiting the woman.
Predictably, the insane Death Eater rose to the insult. Face twisted horribly, the black-haired witch screamed, "Avad..."
Severus already had his wand out and countered, "Petrificus Totalus!" He allowed the sneer that threatened to rise to his lips as he strode to stand over the woman where she had fallen. Snape stared into the baleful eyes glaring up at him. "Bella, Bella, Bella. What shall I do with you?"
Snape swiftly turned away, not wanting Lestrange to see anything that his expression might let slip. Could this be it? Could it be this simple? Bellatrix Lestrange has unintentionally handed me my way out of this quasi-house arrest. Carefully wiping any traces of the sudden elation he was feeling from his face, Severus turned back to the witch on the floor. "I do believe I have found a solution to the impasse we are in."
Severus waved a hand as he muttered, "Finite Incantatum." As soon as Lestrange started to move he waved his wand and cried, "Imperio!" The Potions master nodded as Bellatrix took on the compliant, lethargic look of one under the Imperius curse. "Now, Mrs. Lestrange, we are going to have a little chat with our Dark Lord about your recent behavior. Follow me." He swept out of the room, followed by the now obedient woman.
-----------------------------------------------------
"Who the ruddy hell are you?"
"Yeah! Start talking, lady!" Ron demanded, crossing his arms over his chest.
Like his words were some sort of strange cue, white fire lanced up Shaluinn's right thigh to settle in her right hip. Oh, fuckin' A! Perfect timing! Valiantly trying to suppress a reactionary grimace, every muscle in her face tensed and her lips pursed, a vein throbbing visibly at her left temple. The woman unobtrusively shifted her weight to her left leg, her right hand rising, palm flat, to press firmly against her afflicted hip.
Realizing how her stance must look, she chose to let them think it was arrogance, confidence, whatever, consciously subverting the throbbing pain to the back of her mind. And so I pay the price for actually pulling off those moves. Gods, I wish being out of practice was all there was to this. For just a moment, she let doubt creep in. Did Albus even try to take into account how far along I would be? Will I actually be able to complete the tasks he set before me?
Brows furrowed in what she hoped would pass for concern or seriousness, Callaway looked from Harry, to Ron, to Hermione's face. Miss Granger was the only one clearly considering events up to that point. Shaluinn focused on the young brunette, knowing she was the key to the new UD professor's success at this point. "I do believe Miss Granger has something to add."
Hermione met the redhead's gaze. Shaluinn could practically hear the gears working in the young woman's head. Please GOD make a decision so I can either leave or sit down. As it is, I don't know if I'll be able to even take a step without collapsing.
The brunette looked between her two best friends before looking back to the American. "It's okay, guys. I think we can trust her, for now."
Callaway released the breath she'd been holding, her chin dropping to her chest. Taking a deep breath to steady her, the redhead looked back up, smiling. "Thank you, Miss Granger. Professor Dumbledore advised me to look to you when a matter involved logical reasoning."
The new UD professor made to walk past the trio to stand by the picnic table they had vacated. Despite her best efforts, her right leg nearly crumpled as she put weight on it, an audible breath forced from her chest. She just managed to catch herself, teeth clenched, and moving stiffly. Luckily her back was to them so they couldn't see her expression. Still trying to salvage the situation, she offered, "Just a cramp. I wasn't anticipating that sort of physical activity." You bloody wish it was just a cramp. She waved them over. "Perhaps we should sit down to discuss this."
"'Mione?" Ron asked his friend incredulously.
Her impatience showing through, Hermione watched the American's stilted movements very carefully before snapping, "Ron, shut up and sit down. It can't hurt for us to hear what she has to say." The brunette then took a seat on the side opposite the woman, closing the book that had lain open on the tabletop.
Ron made a sound of disgust but relented, moving to sit beside his friend, his hand coming to rest against the small of her back.
Callaway didn't fail to notice the gesture, filing it away for further consideration.
Harry waited until the redheads both took seats before joining the group.
Ron decided to pipe up again. "You know we're going to check this out with Dumbledore's portrait, right?"
"Of course. By all means. But I believe I may have something with me that will help convince you." The woman flexed her left wrist to drop her wand and murmured, "Accio coat!" Garment in hand, she pulled Dumbledore's letter from an inside pocket and dropped the folded piece of parchment on top of the thick book sitting in the center of the table.
Hermione immediately snatched up the parchment, unfolding and laying it out for all three to see.
Twisting his head so he could read it better, Harry's brows furrowed as he looked from the parchment to the woman sitting beside him and back again. Finished, he turned his full attention to the American.
"So, what does your 'unique assistance' involve, and what is this 'position' Professor Dumbledore was going to give you?" Potter questioned, suspicion still coloring his tone, arms crossed over his chest, eyes narrowed.
"Both perfectly reasonable and valid questions, Mr. Potter. I will answer the second one first," Callaway replied. "The 'position' I have been given at Hogwarts is that of 'Unwanded Defense Professor.' Basically, I will be teaching the wizarding equivalent of self-defense/unarmed combat."
"Martial arts," Hermione murmured, understanding crossing her face. "You'll be teaching hand-to-hand tactics."
The woman nodded. "Exactly, Miss Granger."
Ron piped up then. "So what about this 'unique assistance' you're supposed to provide?"
"Professor Dumbledore charged me with teaching you, all of you, any and all skills I thought you would need or find useful in your 'quest.'" The American turned toward Harry. "Speaking of which, I know you destroyed the diary and Dumbledore, the ring. Before he was killed, were you and he able to retrieve and destroy a third Horcrux?"
Ron interjected, "What do you know of Horcruxes?" as both Harry and Hermione nodded in agreement.
Callaway kept her attention on Harry, instinctively knowing he was the one she really had to convince now. "There are, were, at least seven pieces of the Snake-Snogger's soul contained in various objects. Riddle's diary was one. Marvolo's ring was two. Slytherin's locket would be three. Hufflepuff's cup makes four. Nagini, the snake, is perhaps number five, which leaves something of Gryffindor's and Ravenclaw's as numbers six and seven. Have I sufficiently covered all of them?"
The three youths were staring at the woman with dazed expressions, apparently shocked that someone other than their trio had been privy to this tremendous secret.
Taking advantage of the silence, the American added, "I am entirely at your disposal. Anything within my power that I can do for you, I will. The only information I have is that which Dumbledore chose to share with me. And being as I am not from around here - yes, I realize that may be the understatement of the year - I can only help you so much with the search for the Horcruxes. I can cover your backs and assist you, but other than giving you a complete outsider's perspective, in that area I will probably be of little help."
Again, Ron was the one to open his mouth. "So of what use are you to us, then?"
"The Restricted Section!"
"What?"
"Huh?"
Callaway and Ron both responded to Hermione's words with confusion.
The brunette looked pleadingly at both Ron and Harry before returning her excited gaze to the American. "The Restricted Section. As a professor at Hogwarts you can grant us access to the library's Restricted Books Section!" The young witch's caramel colored eyes were alight with eagerness.
"Only you would be thinking about getting at those books at a time like this, Hermione," Ron huffed in annoyance.
The redhead received an elbow to the ribs for his trouble as the witch admonished, "Do you have any better ideas about where to start tracking down the Horcruxes?"
"No," he admitted, rubbing his offended side.
Bemused, but more than willing to go along, the professor offered, "Whatever you need. Do I write you some kind of pass?"
"Yes!" The brunette conjured a quill and parchment, sliding them across the tabletop to Callaway who, one manicured eyebrow arched, began writing. Practically bouncing in her seat, Hermione looked across at her messy-haired best friend. "Harry, this makes our research so much easier! We don't have to explain anything to Professor McGonagall to get into the Restricted Section. This is what Professor Dumbledore must have intended."
The American nodded as she slid the parchment and quill back. "I'll do whatever I can, no questions asked." The woman decided to be blunt. "Frankly, I don't feel qualified to teach you anything magical, as I'm two decades worth of rusty on some of the simplest of spells and charms. I guarantee you know more than I've managed to forget over twenty years of living as a Muggle. That's the reason for Professor McGonagall's mention of 'homework' waiting for me when I return. I've spent the past six months refreshing my memory, as it were, in areas I deemed of most import, mainly warding and shields, with a few hexes thrown in for good measure. The Headmistress has kindly agreed to continue the private tutoring Professor Dumbledore started so that I might get up to speed as quickly as possible."
Callaway smiled wryly at the confusion and annoyance visibly warring on the other redhead's face. "Professor Dumbledore believed that the skills I can impart to you will help you. Remember, not all of my skills are magically-based. Or have you already forgotten how I skewered that gnome a little while ago?"
"Of course!" Hermione exclaimed. At her compatriots' confused looks she elaborated, "We're in the middle of a magical war. The last thing He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named would expect would be for us to employ Muggle tactics."
"I can see why Dumbledore referred to you as 'The brightest witch of our time,'" the American acknowledged.
"Thank you." The brunette blushed lightly at the unexpected compliment.
"Soooo..." The Professor looked back at Harry.
In answer, Harry drew out of his pocket the locket he and Dumbledore had retrieved that fateful night and set it on the tabletop.
Callaway drew in an audible breath, her eyes widening. "Is that...?"
"No," Harry cut her off. "It's a fake." He pulled out the fragment of parchment that had been inside, handing it to the redhead.
Shaluinn looked from the fragment, to Harry's very serious face and back to the parchment, before unfolding and reading it.
"To the Dark Lord
I know I will be dead long before you read this
but I want you to know it was I who discovered your secret.
I have stolen the real Horcrux and intend to destroy it as soon as I can.
I face death in the hope that when you meet your match,
you will be mortal once more.
R.A.B." 1
"Shit!" A grim expression grew on the woman's face as she read. Folding the parchment back up, she handed it to Harry before lifting the decoy locket off the table and examining it with disgust. "Lovely, someone else is out there playing hero. Unfortunately, we cannot assume the real Horcrux has actually been destroyed." She dropped the piece of cheap jewelry into Harry's outstretched hand. "Any leads on who this, 'R.A.B.' is?"
"None that fit," Hermione admitted. "It has to be someone the Dark Lord knew and would recognize by their initials."
"I'm sure you're right," Callaway acknowledged. "Now, am I correct in my summation that you three will not be returning to Hogwarts come fall?"
Shock, once again, was written all over the trio's faces.
"How could you possibly..." Ron started.
"...know?" Callaway finished for him.
"We haven't told anyone yet," Harry protested.
"Look, it only makes sense, to me anyway, what with my convoluted 'American logic' and all. It's what I would do," the woman explained. "No one is safe, and this war will not end until that bastard is killed. For that to happen, all the fragmented pieces of Voldemort's sick soul must be neutralized. From what I've been told about you, Mr. Potter, I assumed you'd make it your first priority to find these Horcruxes and take out Whats-His-Face. And wherever you go, it's my understanding Miss Granger and Mr. Weasley are sure to follow." The redhead smiled ruefully. "In America, you'd probably be referred to as 'The Dream Team.'"
"How could you possibly know all this?" Hermione asked, still somewhat incredulous.
"I know a lot more than I can say, and before you ask, don't ask. I will share with you all that I am able." Callaway tried for a reassuring expression. "What I know either Dumbledore told me, or I surmised it from what he told me. Oh, and I do know about the 'Prophecy.'"
Looking at the three silent, serious youths before her, Shaluinn threw out her final question. "So, do I pass your little 'interrogation'?"
"I still want to talk to Dumbledore's portrait, but for the time being, you're in," Harry answered for the group.
"Excellent!" Callaway exclaimed, clapping her hands together and standing, albeit stiffly. "Please advise me of when and where you would like to start your training and what you actually want to learn. I was a master of kata - sorry, swordplay - as well as hand-to-hand tactics. I am now residing at Hogwarts. If I am not there, Headmistress McGonagall will know where to find me. It has been a pleasure meeting you."
After bowing respectfully, the woman gathered her coat and strode back toward the house. Grimacing and gritting her teeth against the renewed pain, she forced her stride to remain smooth, followed by the bemused stares of the trio at the table. At least my glamour is still solidly in place. Had that dropped, I would have lost everything.
"I'm not sure what to make of that woman, but for some reason I feel we can trust her," Hermione admitted amid concurring nods from Ron and Harry.
"Did you get a look at the size of her...?" Ron started to blurt out, only to be cut off by Hermione smacking him on the back of the head.
Harry laughed out loud, his head thrown back, as Ron proceeded to rub his head and pout, while Hermione glared openly at the youngest male Weasley.
Callaway allowed herself to smile as she heard the WHAP! followed by Harry laughing. Doesn't matter how young or old they are, guys just seem to fixate on my breasts. Good thing too as I'm not exactly supermodel material in the looks department. Turning the corner of the house and out of the group's line of sight, Shaluinn let out the breath she was holding. Desperate to take pressure off her screaming right hip, she slumped against the side of the edifice for support, breathing shallowly until the pain receded to a tolerable level. Again centered, she pushed away from the wall.
Hoping to avoid a confrontation, the redheaded archer snuck into the house proper and silently made her way to the fireplace. Taking a pinch of powder from the jar beside it, she murmured, "Hogwarts Headmistress' office, Panthera Leo," as she stepped into the green flames and spun away.
The American missed the openly suspicious gaze of Molly Weasley from around the corner. Something about this just isn't right, and I'm going to get to the bottom of it.
TBC...
1 Excerpt from Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince p. 609
A/N: Some major alterations have been made to Chapter 6 in response to some discrepancies pointed out by a reviewer (to whom I issue a heart-felt thank you). You may wish to re-read that chapter as it does change things. In response to a comment about the OFC's looks here is a basic explanation. Shaluinn is based on a very real-life person. Callaway is 5'7" with ass-length flaming red hair, emerald green eyes, and an hourglass figure with hips balancing out her sizeable chest. Her facial features, other than her eyes, are pretty much average and unremarkable. Her high level of physical fitness has allowed her to pass for someone much younger than her age, but she is sporting a glamour that adds to this illusion. The exact nature and purpose of this glamour (which isn't to draw attention or make herself more attractive) will be revealed in an upcoming chapter. Perhaps the fact that I have withheld certain pertinent particulars has added to the "unreality" of the character. For this I apologize. I hope you will bear with me and continue to read. A great deal will be revealed in the next several chapters as things pick up. Callaway is not invincible or infallible. Her wands are special and unique, which will be explained later as well. I'd like to keep up some pretense of mystery.
Thank you to everyone who has read and/or reviewed. Your feedback and support mean more to me than I can express.
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Latest 25 Reviews for The Lies You Tell Yourself
27 Reviews | 5.56/10 Average
Yo! No compaints here! I enjoyed your genderbending as much as I have enjoyed Lotm's too ( in my own sick demented crack head way!) (That last comment is my eldest sons loving term he calls me when I'm silly ,..... crack head. Its ok I love him right back with Fuckernut ;) ) Anywho, good chappie, serves moine right for trying to break in. Glad to see Harry is getting more and more efficient with his wand.....(well that's another story ;) right?? ) Man am I in a mood today LOL! What?? I know, I'm always this way, in the gutta!! Keep up the good work, catcha later
Response from Shanastay (Author of The Lies You Tell Yourself)
Not the gutter... the SEWER! You are my newest sewer-dweller!
A second secret, well, lets see......How about she experiences all of the other person's feelings and thoughts?? That sounds kinda good to me, let me know If I'm close. As for being short, well as long as you dont make a habit of it LOL! Another good chappie and I am definatly looking foward to more, oh and one more thing. If you did decide to just abandon this one, just remember, I know were your moving too....LOL ;)) Later
Response from Shanastay (Author of The Lies You Tell Yourself)
You know I'm not giving anything away... not in my author notes anyway. And DUH you know where I'm going. I'm moving in with you! Thanks for leaving a review. I love to see people coming back for more.
i feel sorry for her now that she shows she is human and not all mighty good chapter
Response from Shanastay (Author of The Lies You Tell Yourself)
Thank you! I'm SOOO glad you've stuck with me! I'm waiting for 16 to come back from my beta and will post that. I think you'll like that one. *wink wink, nudge nudge*
Great imagery here. I can nearly visualize her body and how it looks. I wonder, however, what Snape will think, knowing he thinks she still looks like a "hottie" as she did before.
Response from Shanastay (Author of The Lies You Tell Yourself)
Thank you. That is an entirely valid concern that I hope I will address sufficiently. I've already written most of the scene where he finds out what's up and it's undergone several revisions. I'll be interested to see what you think of that chapter when it goes up.As always, I appreciate your feedback and support more than you will ever know. I hope to have the next chapter submitted for validation sometime tomorrow. *crosses fingers* It's a doozy!
I laughed at the prank Severus pulled. That was hilarious! Ahahaha! I like the way the story is shaping up. I am not a bow/arrow person, so I tend to skim some of that, though my son shoots them. I just can't wait for things to get on and for them to actually get together. ;)
Response from Shanastay (Author of The Lies You Tell Yourself)
I saw that windex commercial and just had to pay homage.I understand glossing over the archery stuff. It's there because it will have a bearing later in the story. They will be meeting up within the next 2 chapters. Chapter 14 is going to put an *ahem* interesting spin on how Snape looks at her, not to mention all women. *snicker* No, I'm not telling!I'm glad you're enjoying this!*hugs*
I love a snarky Madam Hooch. She's one of my fave minor characters.
Response from Shanastay (Author of The Lies You Tell Yourself)
Me too! I have to admit I fell in love with her character after I saw the first movie. I dig the actress they chose to play her. I can just see her and Snape trading sarcastic barbs (pre-HBP). Thank you for the review! *hugs*
Response from Southern_Witch_69 (Reviewer)
I definitely tend to agree. The movie Hooch was just perfect. I use Hooch in my stories and always have her sniping at Snape. Teehee!
Response from Shanastay (Author of The Lies You Tell Yourself)
Great minds think alike! *snicker*
*Bouncing up and down, clapping hands, huge grin on face, chanting* I gotta mention, I gotta mention!! That was great! Send by guys back when they are finished visiting. They were so excited to come BTW!!Love the chappie, I can't wait to see how this all works out! Its cool he's an animagus now, but it also could have been interestingly funny to see how he would handle being a girl! LOL, I'm still really sad about Dumbledor tho, but I guess JKR knows what she's doing. Anywho, thanks for the mention, the great chappie and most of all for being generous and giving me two chappies back to back ;)
Response from Shanastay (Author of The Lies You Tell Yourself)
I'll bring the guys with when I head down there. Using them for moving labor at the moment. :) *hugs* thanks for reviewing! Next chapter should be up in a couple of days.
Nope! No mangling of charaters here! I loved it,of course!! You know I do!! I really like the fact that she is unwittingly channelling Snape! Set them back a few pegs Heh, Heh, Heh, Ok now woman *rubbs hands togather* Wheres chapter 12!! More More More, NOW! ok, not working that way, then how about PLEEEAAASSSEE??
Response from Shanastay (Author of The Lies You Tell Yourself)
Your enthusiasm is infectious, as always. I'm working hard on the upcoming chapters, bouncing around a bit in my scattered state. 12 is pending validation and should be up, hopefully, by mid-week.Thank you again for always bolstering me with such positive feedback. *hugs and other silly drunken behavior*
This is getting vera good
Response from Shanastay (Author of The Lies You Tell Yourself)
*dances with delight* You're still with me! Thank you again for catching that discrepancy a few chapters back. I hope I fixed things up adequately.Thank you for the review! *hugs*
Its getting hot in here, so hot, so take off all your clothes! Sorry...couldn't help myself! What a really good chappie! I don't care what anyone says, I like dream visitations, yea its been done before but....hell whats one more time! after all its not the type of wand you use, it how you weild it ( I think I spelled that right) Good Job and I am surely looking foward to more!!Thanks, Linwe
Response from Shanastay (Author of The Lies You Tell Yourself)
*hugs* I wub woo! It's "wield" by the way.
Response from Shanastay (Author of The Lies You Tell Yourself)
Ohhh yeah, much more to come. I've got something truly wrong planned for a rendition of the "First-years speech." You're gonna love it!
I think the explanation for your character is a good one. Sometimes, I'll admit, she did seem like supergirl, but now that we are learning more of her past and flaws, it's so much more acceptable. Things are coming together nicely.
Response from Shanastay (Author of The Lies You Tell Yourself)
I hadn't realized how I would turn readers off with the character initially looking "all-powerful." Being the author I know what's up with her and what's going on "behind the scenes" so when I read it I see something different. It's an act. She is hiding a lot and trying to make herself look "all that." She knows she's not, and as more chapters go up everyone will see how flawed she is (or at least stop calling her a Mary-Sue, I hope. Gads I hate that). It's all about being a perfectionist (I know I'm one). I like my OFCs human. But part of being human is making mistakes. I think her attitude and secrets might just hurt her more than she realizes. So many secrets...Thank you for all the positive and constructive feedback! *hugs*southern_witch_69's response: Readers, self included, are just too impatient to get it all out in the open. LOL... Patience is a virtue. ;)
I've not noticed any glaring grammatical errors as per the review on here. I suppose it depends on preference, as they said. Anyway, I have to second that this OFC is thoroughly defined and obviously thought out. Most that I come across don't have so much depth and backstory. Keep up the good work.
Response from Shanastay (Author of The Lies You Tell Yourself)
*drowning in all the praise* You do realize this makes me want to spend all my time writing now? Thank you so much! I really have tried to make my OFC well rounded and 3-dimensional. As I think I mentioned before she is based partially on a real-life friend who is every bit as complex as the character. Thank you again! *hugs*
All I can say is ... wow... it's hot in here. Very nicely done, dear. I like dream meetings. Teeehee...
Response from Shanastay (Author of The Lies You Tell Yourself)
*blushes* Thank you, thank you, thank you! High praise indeed!
I have been try to read this story and get into it but I just cant get pass your original character. She is just too perfect from her size to her abilities. I won't use the Mary Sue term but its a close call. I would have stopped reading sooner but I wanted to see if someone would finally put her in her place.When she used her skills to show up the children was the last straw for me. If someone like an american can have such skills and those types of wands, so could the Order and Aurors which would make their jobs easier. It just doesnt sit with me well. Nobody has shields that good even Dumbledore like when he fought against Voldemort. Neither did. Its a magical world not a physical worldThis character would be better suited in an original story with a woman heroine instead of here. You have a great writing ability so dont think that I dont appreciate your ability. I just like a more normal character who have faults and normal abilities like all else.Good luck with the rest but I will not be following
Response from Shanastay (Author of The Lies You Tell Yourself)
*runs off to beat up her 7 beta-faries* You have several very valid points. I've done a re-write of the chapter to hopefully rectify these problems. I'm not divulging the secrets of her wands just yet as that comes out in a later chapter which also explains why no one else would really want to do what she did to disable summoning spells on her wands.The shielding issue is now a non-issue *raps beta-faires on backs of heads*. Won't come up again.Showing up the children? Gads, I didn't mean it to play off like that. I just wanted to get across the idea that she has something to contribute.As to someone having multiple incredible abilities... The character is actually based off a real-life person I know who was a martial arts world champion and is currently a compound archery world champion. So it is actually possible, as my friend does exist (and she's built like the proverbial "brick house" to boot *curses her luck*).I'm sorry I've put you off. I hope you will read the revamped chapter. If it is still not to your tastes, again I'm sorry. I've tried to address the issues you've brought to my attention and for that I am grateful.
Response from snapes_faerie (Reviewer)
I will go read it again and am glad that you are not up set about what I said I have to go to class but will catch up tonight hopefully
Response from Shanastay (Author of The Lies You Tell Yourself)
I've added a LOT to upcoming chapters in response to your criticisms and hopefully the explanations allay your concerns. I think I was trying to draw out the mystery a bit too far. Chapter 8 will explain her appearance in greater depth. There's a good deal of backstory there.No, I'm not upset by what you had to say. I welcome sincere and valid criticism, which is exactly what you gave me. In response to someone else's review I asked that I be called on making the character "unbelievable." You did that. Sometimes it is too easy to let your imagination run away and you don't realize just how far you've strayed from your chosen path. I really, truly hope the character and story make more sense now. I hate losing readers because I screwed up, especially when it's fixable.I had to laugh that it was my beta fairy that got all huffy about the criticism as I whapped her for not doing her job and alerting me before I posted.Happy re-reading and thank you again for taking the time to share your thoughts. Too few people are brave enough to speak up.
This is a wonderfully strong original character, and I enjoyed this chapter a lot. I will be looking forward to seeing where this story goes.
Response from Shanastay (Author of The Lies You Tell Yourself)
Thank you for the compliment. In Shaluinn I've tried to create a character who has a strong, indepedent, personality, yet is still feminine. It is often hard to strike a believable balance between the "Zena Warrior Princess," who is able to hold her own against strong males, and the "damsel in distress," who is always needing to be saved. The character is largely based on an extraordinary, and very real, person I know. If I end up taking her in an "unbelievable" direction, please nudge me back on the straight and narrow.
For the Krum part, I was like, "WTF is Snape doing there? Thought he was off flying?" LOLI don't blame Snape for ... investigating further. teehee
Response from Shanastay (Author of The Lies You Tell Yourself)
Oh, it is SO gratifying to know that my misdirect worked!!! *hugs* Thank you! *snicker* I couldn't resist the baby-crack-plot-bunny's gender bender. I mean, really, if you were a guy transformed into a girl wouldn't you be just a bit curious???Thank you so much for stopping in and leaving a review!
Ok, sorry, forgot to rate you fic, I am so the absent minded professor!! My humble appologies.
Response from Shanastay (Author of The Lies You Tell Yourself)
Awwww. I wub woo!
Wow! That was so great! I had really thought it was Snape instead of Victor in the hallway, the whole time I was thinking WTF! How'd he get in there?? Good twist! Its good she now has to tell Minerva about her Leukemia. She needs for someone to know. To have some kind of support. Its a good thingI am waiting for my next up date please! Awsome job with the gender bending BTW. ;) Cant wait for more!
Response from Shanastay (Author of The Lies You Tell Yourself)
Thank you for dropping by. So I actually had you fooled with the Snape/Krum thing? Excellent. I was going through GoF and saw the similarities in their appearances and just had to play a bit.Glad you liked the gender-bender. I blame Lotm entirely for giving me the courage to shine daylight on my depraved crack-smoking plot-bunnies.I'm working on the next chapter and with people like you on my butt it will be ready by mid-week.Don't mind me... I'm in a "mood."
And another chapter of suspenceful goodness! Has chapter 14 been submitted? Huh?! Huh?! I know I've read it, but I want to come here and read it. It's just that good!By the way, I do not say such things as "Bwahbwahbwah…" It's more of a "Bwahhhaahhabaaahhh..." I'm just saying... Cheers!
Response from Shanastay (Author of The Lies You Tell Yourself)
Do I need to beat you, my dearest beta-fairy? Of course 14 has been submitted. Waiting on validation now. Couldn't have done it without your somewhat dubious help. No, I'm kidding! You are the best and you keep me in line. This fic wouldn't have gone anywhere without you! *huggles* I wub woo!
Another amazing chappie!! Congrats to you and keep up the good work! I just loved the part with the sliding glass door! Priceless! And what is up with Hoochie??? hhmmm she's being a bit too nosy. I guess we shall see what she's up to.. Oh and thanks for the mention, Those two really have messed up the kitchen more than once, but hey, you really can't stay mad at them in all their elvie goodness......aaaahhh twins!
Response from Shanastay (Author of The Lies You Tell Yourself)
Hoochie? *snickering* The next chapter just got finished and sent off to the beta. Lots of things will come to light... Stay tuned! Thank you for another great review!
Love this character so far. Have you read 'The ancient future' by Traci Harding. She reminds me of the heroine in that story. Tough and feisty. Hate swearing, but in this it just seems to fit. Also love the intro dialogue...crazy!Keep up the great work, your descriptions are really vivid. Feels like I am actually there. One thing that people compromise on in fanfic is describing the scenery. Love that you have taken the time and effort to thoroughly describe her surroundings. Can't wait for the next installment - and the countdown to meeting Snape.
Response from Shanastay (Author of The Lies You Tell Yourself)
Sorry about the swearing, but I'm glad you found it fit. I am articulate enough I can express myself without profanity, but where I have used it in the fic, it was meant to have a purpose. That is exactly what I was going for. I'm glad you like the way I present the disclaimers. I got the idea from a friend and make the disclaimers have their own ongoing (and hopefully funny) mini-plot.I am several chapters ahead in writing so I update at least once a week. Keep your eyes peeled for the next chapter... It's gonna be... interesting...Thank you SO much for such a lovely review! *hugs*
Love it!! really good chappie!! we are finding out more and more about her. I can't wait to see how this is going to come togather more. More please, please, please.;) SB
Response from Shanastay (Author of The Lies You Tell Yourself)
I love positive feedback. But you already know that. Thank you! With the next chapter this fic will earn its rating...
First off I love the password to her quarters!! I'm sure Glory got a chuckle out of that too! Poor sevvie! Just now being able to grieve, I sure hope he kicks the shit outta that bitch belitrix, I really don't like her at all!!I still havent' figured out her alement, Its probably staring me right in the face LOL just not seeing it. Anywho, on with the next great chappie!!
Response from Shanastay (Author of The Lies You Tell Yourself)
Serenity... I just know that's you... As always, thank you for your encouraging and appreciative feedback.*hugs*
The description of her quarters was very nice. That carpet would make me want to sleep on the floor too. Your descriptions painted a picture in my mind and allowed me to "feel" the scene as though I were there. Wonderful!
Response from Shanastay (Author of The Lies You Tell Yourself)
Feeling as well as vision was exactly what I was going for. Thank you for letting me know I succeeded! *hugs all around*
I?m interested so far, but I?ve found several grammatical errors as well as some awkward language in the descriptions. Maybe that?s just a personal preference, but nonetheless.
I am surprised you don?t have more reviews. OC?s in HP can be difficult to pimp since people are so fixated on the canon characters. Although, I have to say that this is one of the best OC?s I?ve seen enter into the HP universe. Even if she has some blatant HP Sue qualities (American, physically and magically superior, etc) it is easy to see through to the character you?ve created.
I look forward to reading more. This story is the first addition to my favorites list.
BTW, I?m glad I?m not your beta. I?ve never seen a writer badmouth their beta like that in response to a review. Granted, you didn?t say anything terrible, but you?re the writer. You?re responsible for the content you post. I didn?t even notice a mention of a beta, so they don?t get any credit and then they get disparaged for their work? I?d hate to see the writers I beta for treat me like that if I made a mistake.
Anyway, nice story. I found it poignant that both Snape and Shaluinn should break down, together but separate. I look forward to seeing where these characters go, and what?s going to happen when they finally meet.
Response from Shanastay (Author of The Lies You Tell Yourself)
Grammatical errors? Hmmm. Would you mind at all sending me a PM pointing them out? I think my writing style may be to blame for that problem.I'm glad you like Shaluinn. I'm trying to stay away from HP Sue characteristics as much as I can but I do subscribe to the theory of "write what you know." Being an American myself I made the OC American as I don't feel qualified to create a British character believably. I simply don't know enough. As to being physically superior, I'm guessing you're referring to her taking down Hermione and Ron? Please correct me if I'm wrong. I'm not trying to portray her as superior, rather she was able to gain the upper hand, having training and skills the others don't. If she's not very careful she's gonna get her ass handed to her rather easily. As it's coming out in later chapters, you'll hopefully see that a lot of what she's doing is acting.Magically surperior? She's not, or at least I didn't write her to be. I know somewhere I had her actually say she's not qualified to teach them (Golden Trio) anything magically related. She's good in certain areas and can do things some people can't just because she approaches things from a different angle and has had different/unique training. She only beat the Golden Trio in that short-lived duel because she got DAMN LUCKY. That's how I intended it anyway. She's really just a pawn in the game, and doesn't actually understand the role she's meant to play.As to my betas, what I wrote was actually one of their ideas. When I sent off a copy of the review she wrote back, "You gonna beat us with a hard-cover book now since you got hit with a book-spine last week?" She was kidding, and knew I was joking around. I didn't intend for it to come off as badmouthing my betas, especially since they didn't take it that way at all. Whole thing has actually become a massive running joke with them putting all kinds of outrageous suggestions into our correspondence. But seriously, I'm sorry if I offended you. That particular review led to a nice conference where we all discussed and elaborated on our expectations for each other (I beta stuff for them as well as they beta me). I realize I am responsible for what I write. I guess the lot of us just have a really twisted sense of humor. (Maybe that's why we all get along... hmmmm...) And the primary beta actually appears in the disclaimers per her preference *coughKimcough* the rest aren't actually betas, just dear friends who like to have a first look at everything I write, and in return throw their honest opinions my way. They like to stay under the radar just in case I manage to stick my foot in my mouth all the way to my kneecaps (which it seems I have managed). They've never gotten huffy about my criticism, they actually got pissy about what another reviewer wrote. The comment being, "You're taking this a lot better than we would."I'm really glad you liked the parallels I'm drawing between Snape and Shaluinn. It's partly coincidence and partly, maybe, something else.Thank you for the feedback. I hope I have cleared up any confusion I inadvertantly caused.