Chapter 18: A Matter of Trust

Disclaimer: Yeah, still not mine.

Author's Notes: Firstly, sorry for the slightly delay between chapters - I had a small crisis of my laptop completely dying on me. Even worse than that, I stupidly didn't have a single file backed up. *Facepalm*. Anyway, a week later and an IT genius managed to salvage my files, and I have a shiny new computer so all is well with the world once more *grins*.

Beta thanks, as always, go to DracoGurlFurever, and I have to thank the admin staff here who put in so much hard work. In addition, thank you to everyone who has stuck with me to this point, and extra special thanks if you have left a review. I hope you enjoy this chapter.

Chapter 18: A Matter of Trust

Sophia sat on the ground, trying to reason what had made Sirius behave the way he did. How could she go from feeling on top of the world one moment to feeling like her heart had been completely crushed the next? Moving slowly, still feeling numb and slightly dazed by the whole affair, she got to her feet, gathered her things, and walked back up to the castle. She made it up to Gryffindor Tower just as she heard the bell for lunch go. Deciding that she wasn't hungry, and that she didn't feel like facing Sirius, she retreated to the safety of her dorm room.

Once there, she sat on her bed; she could feel the tears starting to form in her eyes. The thing that she had been secretly hoping would happen for so long finally had, only for it to be ripped away again moments later. She lay down on the bed, her back to the door, hugging her knees to her chest as she let her tears fall. No matter what way she looked at it, she couldn't understand what had gone wrong.

He was the one who initiated the kiss. He was the one who had deepened the kiss. And yet, he had also been the one to break the moment.

But why? she thought desperately. She couldn't get the image of his reaction out of her head. Surely, if he had wanted to kiss her as much as she had wanted to kiss him, he wouldn't have reacted that way. Then why did he kiss me to start with? The thoughts kept running through her mind until she heard the sound of footsteps coming into the room.

'Here you are!' she heard Lily say. 'Why weren't you at lunch? We all wondered what had happened to you and ... what's wrong?' Lily's voice had gone from bright and breezy to full of concern. Sophia felt the bed dip as Lily sat down by Sophia's back and rubbed her shoulder. Sophia slowly rolled over slightly, looking at Lily over her shoulder.

'Oh, Soph! Come here – what's happened?' Lily opened up her arms, pulling Sophia into a hug.

'I – don't – know,' Sophia sniffed, trying to stop crying. Lily let go of her, and the two girls just looked at one another for a moment.

'Well, start at the beginning,' Lily said gently as she held Sophia's hand.

'Ok ... well ... Sirius and I were outside, and we were just talking,' Sophia began through her hiccups, though she was managing to calm down; her voice was slowly returning to normal. 'Well, then, we started teasing each other – you know what he can be like – and then I said something to him and he retaliated by starting to tickle me. It was all in fun, but then ...' Her voice began to falter, and her eyes started to well with tears again, her upper lip trembling.

'But then, what?' Lily prompted.

'We kissed,' Sophia said softly.

Lily sat there, looking confused. 'But ... I would have thought that was a good thing? I thought that you liked him? It's obvious that he likes you,' Lily said gently.

'What do you mean? "It's obvious that he likes you"?' Sophia asked, rubbing her eyes.

'Well, we've all seen it. I mean he's always looking at you, making sure you're okay. He's never been like that with anyone, and even James has said that,' Lily replied.

Sophia couldn't process what she was hearing. None of it made sense.

'If that's the case, please tell me why he broke off the kiss before running back to the castle without a word to me, why don't you,' she said harshly.

'What?'

'Yeah, we were kissing, and then he leapt off me like I'd hit him with a stinging hex or something. He looked like he was about to be sick, and then he gathered all his stuff up and practically ran back up to the castle without a backwards glance.' Sophia paused, her temper rapidly giving way to her insecurities. Her voice softened as she felt her tears come back again. 'Am I that hideous? Is there that much wrong with me?' She couldn't help but let a few more tears roll down her cheeks. Lily still looked stunned, but quickly pulled Sophia into another hug.

'Oh, sweetie; no, look, I don't know what's happened, but this is not your fault. Do you want me to talk to him for you?'

'No ... I don't know what I want to do, but if anyone is going to talk to him, it should be me.'

'Okay, but I think I should tell James, Remus and Peter to find him, don't you think?' Sophia remembered that she had Herbology with Remus after lunch; she didn't feel like answering his questions. It would be better if he could learn that information from Sirius.

'Hold on,' Sophia said, feeling confused, 'what do you mean "find" him?'

'Well, he wasn't at lunch either; when you weren't there, I just presumed you were both together. I have no idea where he is now, though.'

Sophia let that bit of information sink in before nodding meekly in response.

'All right, you wait here, and I'll be back as soon as possible.' With that, Lily left the room, only to return a few minutes later.

'I found them and told them to speak to Sirius. I also warned Remus that you were a bit upset, and that it might be best if he didn't bring up Sirius during Herbology.' Lily smiled warmly, doing her best to show her support to Sophia.

Sophia gave a weak smile. 'Thanks. I'm not sure Professor Sprout would be too impressed if I started crying all over her honking daffodils.'

'No, I don't suppose she would,' Lily giggled.

~~~~~

'What the heck have you done now?' Remus flung the door of the boy's dormitory open with such force that it ricocheted off the wall with a loud thud.

Sirius had been sitting on the edge of his bed, his head in his hands, cursing himself for what he'd just done. He instantly pulled his head up as he heard Remus, James and Peter come into the room, a slightly startled look on his face.

'Well, come on!' Remus demanded. 'What did you do to her?' Remus looked like he could have quite easily killed Sirius at that moment

'Easy, Moony – let's hear him out. I'm sure there's a reasonable explanation – isn't there, Pads?' James was trying his best to quell the hostility pouring out of Remus. Peter moved across the room and sat down by Sirius.

'Pads, we know something has happened between you two. Lily told us that Sophia is in her room, crying, but wouldn't tell us what had happened – only that we should try to find you,' Peter said.

Sirius sat and thought for a moment; the self-loathing kicked up a gear. He'd successfully managed to upset Sophia and Remus in one fell swoop; he'd done exactly what Remus had told him he would do. Slowly, he picked himself up off his bed, walked over to the window – keeping a safe distance from Remus – and stared out to the beech tree. He looked at the spot where he'd just been with Sophia, remembering her laughter and smiles, and then closed his eyes when he remembered what had happened next.

Taking a deep breath and prising his eyes open again, he began. 'I've right royally mucked things up, haven't I?' He couldn't look at his friends – his shame was too great. Instead, he tried to take his frustrations out on the wall by kicking it. That didn't help at all; rather, it just resulted in his big toe throbbing painfully.

'Pads, tell us what happened,' James said again. 'Why is Sophia so upset?'

'I kissed her ... and, in doing so, probably brought back some of the worst memories in her life.' Sirius' shoulders were hunched over, his voice hollow, but he could at least now face his friends. Remus seemed slightly calmer now he was getting answers, but he still looked angry.

'What do you mean by that?' Peter asked.

Sirius took another deep breath, turning back to look out of the window as he spoke. 'We were larking around, and I started tickling her, and I ended up on top of her. We were both laughing and joking, and then I just sort of stopped thinking. Well, no, that's not right, because I was thinking. All I could think about was how perfect she was, and how much I liked seeing her smiling and laughing like that again. We were so close, and I just acted on impulse, I suppose. It wasn't until a few seconds later that I realised that I was holding her down ... like Rosier.' The hatred of himself flared up again, and he felt sick at the realisation. He turned his head sheepishly to look at the others.

'So, what did you do then?' James asked. It looked to Sirius like Remus didn't trust himself to speak just yet.

'Well, I stopped, didn't I? I was so appalled at myself that I came back here. I couldn't even bring myself to look at her; I was so ashamed at what I'd done.'

'Hold on a second. So, you're telling me that you kissed her on the spur of the moment and then ran off, just leaving her there?' Remus' resolve not to speak had failed, and he now sounded just as angry as he had when he had first entered the room.

'Yes ... no ... look,' Sirius answered quickly, huffing in frustration before continuing, 'I feel horrible, okay? I'm doing a good enough job at beating myself up without you joining in, Moony! It wasn't completely on the spur of the moment. I've been thinking about her all the time. At the Hogmanay thing, I was about a second off asking her out, but we were interrupted. I'm mad about her, Moony – I never wanted to hurt her. Please, believe me.'

Remus seemed to soften at Sirius's honesty, but there was still a long silence before anyone spoke again.

'You really can be thick sometimes, can't you?' Remus said. The anger finally seemed to have slipped away, and now he sounded like he didn't know whether to be amused or exasperated at Sirius. 'Why didn't you stay there and talk to her?'

'I was mortified by my behaviour – believe me. Besides, I thought she would want me as far away from her as possible,' Sirius explained. He paused, a confused expression on his face as he thought on what Remus had said. 'Why, do you think I should have stayed?'

'Well, yeah,' Remus, James and Peter replied together; all sounding as if they were stating something obvious.

'Pads, you're going to have to talk to her and get this sorted out as soon as possible. Problem is, she's probably going to try and shut down again to protect herself. This is going to require some planning, and we might need to get Lily on our side. Soph can be mighty stubborn at times, after all,' Remus said, looking at Sirius sternly. 'You up for that?'

'I'll do whatever it takes to get her to talk to me again,' Sirius replied, nodding fiercely.

~~~~~

Remus had obviously taken Lily's advice to heart, spending the whole of Herbology doing his best to cheer Sophia up. He steered clear of any topic which was even loosely related to Sirius, instead laughing and joking the whole way through the lesson. By the end of the lesson, she was feeling much better ... until she remembered that she would see Sirius in Defence Against the Dark Arts.

She silently walked up to the class with Remus; luckily, Lily was already there, so Sophia sat down next to her while Remus went to the back of the classroom. Sophia fixed her gaze on her text book when she heard James's voice, knowing that Sirius would be with him.

The class dragged by, and, the whole time, Sophia felt like Sirius was staring at her. When the end of the class finally arrived, Sophia quickly gathered her things and went back to her dorm room, never looking to the back of the classroom, where the Marauders had been sitting.

Sophia refused to go down to dinner, insisting that she wasn't hungry. She spent the whole of the evening in the girls' dormitory, working on her homework in an attempt to push Sirius as far from her mind as possible. Lily had chosen to work downstairs in the common room and only came back up to the room after Sophia had been alone for a few hours.

'So, how you feeling?' Lily asked, sitting down next to Sophia on the bed.

'Trying not to think about it to be honest,' Sophia replied matter-of-factly, her eyes never leaving the open textbook in front of her.

'Sophia, I really think you should speak to Sirius,' Lily said, firmly but softly. It had to be serious if Lily was calling her Sophia.

'No, Lily ... not tonight.'

'But–'

'I said no, and that's the end of it.' Sophia stated, keeping her focus on the book despite the fact that she had been reading and re-reading the same line since Lily had entered the room.

She was still in emotional turmoil – she felt angry, hurt, and confused, but also scared. For the moment, all she wanted to do was hide in her room and not face up to the fact that she might be about to lose one of her best friends because, with her pessimistic attitude, she didn't see how this situation could end any differently.

Sophia finally looked up to face Lily. 'Listen, I know you're only trying to help, but I just can't do that tonight, so please don't ask me to.'

'All right, if you're sure, but you need to talk to him soon. You both need to get this sorted out,' Lily said as she got up off the bed.

'I will, Lils. Just, not tonight.'

Wednesday dawned, and Sophia had to drag herself out of her bed. There was a very loud voice in her head telling her that it would be better if she just stayed under her duvet for the rest of her life. However, she also knew that there was only so much sympathy that Lily would give her. She knew that if she didn't get out of bed by herself, then she would be forced out of it by Lily, and that was something that experience had taught her was never a good thing.

She successfully managed to avoid talking to Sirius until the last class of the day – Charms. He came over to her as she packed up her stuff in Transfiguration, which they both had before their Charms class, and asked if she would walk to class with him. He seemed slightly subdued, and he looked like he hadn't slept much the previous night.

She didn't know how to feel about him as he stood there – several conflicting emotions seeming to be going through her at once. However, she couldn't be rude, so she simply gave him a short nod of her head and turned to leave, forcing him to quickly catch up with her – she would walk with him, but, in her current state, she didn't think it would be wise to talk to him.

Luckily, Charms was a theoretical lesson so all she had to do was take notes, which meant that she didn't have to communicate with Sirius at all. When the class ended, Sirius finally broke the silence.

'Soph, could we talk, please?'

'Sirius, there's nothing to talk about.'

'Yes, there is. Please, just let me explain.'

'Look, I have to go. Sorry.' Sophia swung her bag onto her shoulder and walked briskly out of the classroom. Her stomach churned with unease for leaving him like that, but at the moment she couldn't face dealing with the situation and getting hurt more than she already was.

She sat with Lily through dinner and, after much persuasion, agreed to work with her in the common room instead of returning to the girl's dorm room like she had originally planned. The two girls worked together late into the night, and by the time they had finished, the common room was empty save for the Marauders, who were sitting by the fire. Lily got up from the desk that she had been working at and stretched her arms above her head.

'Well, I think I'm going to call it a night,' she said, with a yawn.

'Hmm, I think I might join you,' Sophia answered, standing up as well.

'No, you're not. You are going to stay here and talk to Sirius,' Lily said sternly, giving Sophia her best impression of Professor McGonagall.

Sophia quickly looked over to the Marauders to see that James, Remus and Peter were all trying to make their way over to the stairs that led to the boy's dormitory as quietly as possible while Sirius remained by the fire looking ... nervous.

Well, that's odd, she thought, I don't think I've ever seen him look nervous before. She turned back to Lily, starting to feel angry. It was clear that this had all been set up and she couldn't see any way to get out of the situation.

'Don't even think about coming up to bed until this is all sorted out,' Lily threatened as she passed Sophia.

If she wasn't feeling so angry, Sophia probably would have laughed – here was Lily Evans, recently the chief detester of the Marauders, forcing her to stay here to talk to Sirius Black. Wonders would never cease.

Sirius and Sophia looked at each other across the now-empty common room. He shuffled about before speaking.

'Would you like to sit down?' he asked, gesturing to the sofa.

'No, thanks,' she replied coolly. She was still upset that she had been manipulated into this situation.

'Oh, okay, right.' Sirius looked crestfallen; he didn't seem to know what to do next.

Sophia, however, was determined that she wasn't going to break the silence, so she simply waited for him.

'I need to apologize for what happened yesterday,' he began. 'I was an idiot, and I should never have done that to you – I'm sorry.'

Sophia felt crushed. He really hadn't meant to kiss her. As far as he was concerned, it was a huge mistake. She hadn't realised how much she had hoped that he had returned her feelings until now. All she could hope for was that she still had him as a friend.

'Sirius, you don't need to apologize. Please, let's just forget the kiss ever happened shall we?'

'What? No, I mean ... I'm sorry for running off on you like that.'

'What?' This was all becoming too confusing for Sophia. 'You mean ... you wanted to ...' She couldn't form the end of that sentence and simply looked at him, her mouth slack and brain running in over-drive, trying to understand.

'To kiss you?' he finished. 'I thought that was obvious.' He gave her a soft smile, waiting for her to respond.

Sophia's head was spinning. She had hoped, yes, but a part of her never truly expected it. 'Well, obviously it wasn't obvious to me, was it?'

'Clearly,' he smirked, his grey eyes locked with hers and she felt the beginnings of a smile tug on her face in reciprocation.

There was a brief moment of silence before Sophia asked the question she really needed the answer to. 'Then, why did you run off, if you did want to kiss me?' Her voice was soft, almost unsure, as she remembered the hurt she had felt at Sirius' reaction to the kiss.

He hung his head briefly and let out a loud sigh. 'I got scared. I'd wanted to tell you how I felt for ages, but after all you'd been through, I didn't know how to do it. Then yesterday, it just felt so right, and so I just went for it and kissed you. Then, I suddenly realised that I was probably reminding you of Rosier; I couldn't stand the thought that I was reminding you of him, and I panicked.'

'What do you mean, "reminding me of Rosier"?'

'Isn't it obvious?' he said. Now, Sirius was joining Sophia in her confusion – she shook her head in response. 'The way I was holding you; pinning you down like that.'

Sophia could tell that the thought still disgusted him, but she'd never even thought of it. She found herself beginning to chuckle, which was a bad move.

'What? What's so funny?' Sirius asked, beginning to sound angry. Sophia quickly stopped and walked over to him. She took hold of his hands and looked him straight in the eye.

'I'm sorry, Sirius. It's just that I never even thought of it that way. You could never remind me of Rosier, because I feel so safe with you. I know that you would never hurt me like he did. You're the first guy I've gotten close to since then. You're the first guy that I've felt safe enough around to get that close to.' She looked at him, realizing that he wasn't convinced that she was telling the truth – she would have to prove to him.

'Sirius, tell me something. Did I ever give you the impression that I wanted you to stop? Did I ever struggle, or try to push you off?' She let go of one of his hands and touched his cheek. 'Or did I in fact kiss you back?' she finished softly with a smile.

'So, you really never made that connection?' Sirius' expression was still guarded, and she could tell he was thinking rapidly.

'Never. I thought that you had run off because you had kissed me but didn't actually like me in that way. That's why I've been avoiding you – I didn't want to think that I might lose one of my best friends. It's got nothing to do with Rosier.'

Sirius finally broke into a grin, clearly reassured by Sophia's words. 'So, does this mean that we can maybe try again?'

'I think we could, providing you promise not to run off on me again. I might develop issues otherwise,' she said, giggling.

Sirius gave a soft bark of laughter. His features were soft now, and his eyes were intense with emotion as he looked at her. 'Okay, I promise to stick around this time,' he whispered, slipping one arm around her waist and pulling her into him while his other hand held the back of her neck, his fingers burrowing into her hair. Her own hands ran up his arms and came to rest on his shoulders. He tilted her head up as he leaned down to kiss her.

Just as before, this kiss started softly before deepening; as it did, Sophia's hands slid round the back of his neck and into his soft, black hair. When they finally broke apart, Sophia couldn't help but smile; as she looked at Sirius, she realised that she wasn't the only one.

'I've just thought of something,' she said as her fingers played with Sirius's hair and his hands maintained their grip around her waist.

'Sounds dangerous,' he said with a twinkle in his eyes.

'I'm going to be public enemy number one when this gets out, aren't I?' It was more of a statement than anything else. Sirius was normally ogled by at least half of the female population at Hogwarts; Sophia knew that as soon it became public knowledge that she and Sirius were together, she was in for some nasty looks.

Sirius let out a small laugh. 'Yeah, you're probably not wrong there. Does that bother you?'

'Not really I suppose.' She knew that he wouldn't be able to keep it a secret; he didn't have that level of self control, and to be honest, she didn't want to keep it a secret either. She had waited so long for this and didn't see the point in wasting time sneaking around.

'Besides, I think I'm in a worse position – dating the Headmaster's great-niece,' Sirius chuckled. 'That's bound to cause problems, isn't it?'

'Hmm ... you've got a point there,' Sophia said quietly. 'Does that bother you?' She was genuinely concerned about this detail.

'Not at all,' he replied earnestly. 'I'm actually more worried about your grandfather – he's not been overly impressed with us since third year, when we let his goats into his vegetable patch.' Sirius laughed at the memory.

'That was you four?' she asked incredulously. Sophia's grandfather, Aberforth, ran a pub in Hogsmeade; on the Hogsmeade weekends, she would often take an hour out to visit him and her grandmother. 'I remember him talking about it when I went to see him later that day – he was so mad.'

'Yeah, it was us.' Sirius' eyes glinted with mirth and mischievousness. 'James had just mastered Alohomora, and we wanted to try it out on something. I found the goat pen and suggested it. Next thing we knew, all the goats were in the vegetable patch, and your grandfather was coming at us with what looked like a pitchfork, though, I have to say, none of us stuck around long enough to get a good look at it.'

Sophia found herself giggling at the image of the four boys running away from her grandfather. 'Well, we'll just have to re-introduce you at some point ... and keep you away from the goats.'

A few minutes passed before Sophia spoke again. 'Sirius – can I ask you something?'

'Sure – fire away.' There was an openness in his face which told her she could ask him anything and she would get an honest answer.

'Well, earlier on, you said you had wanted to tell me how you felt for ages, and, well, I wondered how long "ages" really was?' Her voice was soft as she asked the question. Her fingers dropped from his hair, and she looked down at the space between them.

'Look at me,' he replied softly, and she complied, fighting hard to maintain eye contact against the nervous rolling of her stomach.

Sirius appeared slightly nervous too as he licked his lips before talking. 'I started having feelings for you back at the start of the year, when we were spending time together during free periods. I'd never really gotten to know you before then, and I was surprised.' He smiled warmly at her, staring to look more certain the longer he spoke. 'I guess, because you spent so much time with Lily, I thought you'd be like her, which is not a bad thing,' he hastily added, when she gave him a stern look – Lily was, after all, her best friend. 'It's just that she's not really my type.

'Then, the more time I spent with you, I realised that you were not like Lily, and that made me curious. But Remus told me to back off, because he didn't want to see you get hurt, which probably would have happened, if my dating history is anything to go by. He's very protective about you, you know.'

Sophia could understand that because she felt the same way about Remus.

'Then, there was the night with Rosier, where everything changed.' Sirius' expression turned sombre, and he paused for a moment before continuing, though now it was he who looked down to the floor. 'I swear, I have never been more scared in my life than when I saw you there.' He flicked his gaze back up to her, and Sophia felt her heart clench at his words. 'Yet you were so strong, and I just found myself wanting to be with you, wanting to make you feel good again.'

Sophia could see Sirius's stormy grey eyes begin to shine with emotion as her told her this.

'You did. You did more for me than I think you realise,' she reassured him. Again, there was a pause, and Sophia waited for Sirius to continue.

'Well, anyway,' he said finally, shaking himself free of thoughts of Rosier, 'my feelings for you just didn't go away like I thought they would; all I could think about was you – but I just didn't know how to tell you. After all you'd been through, I thought the last thing you would want was me chasing you, so I did nothing. Then, spending time with you over Christmas, when you finally seemed to come out of yourself again, I thought maybe now it was okay for me to tell you how I'd wanted you all this time, but I could never find the right time. I wanted to tell you at that Hogmanay thing, when we were in the grounds, but we got interrupted before I got a chance.

'Then, yesterday ... well, yesterday, I guess my hormones got the better of me.' They both gave a small chuckle. 'But, like I say, I thought I had blown it, and so I ran off. I can tell you Remus gave me such a bollocking when they came to find me. He did forgive me when I explained everything, and then, between us and Lily, we arranged tonight so that I could explain to you.'

'Well, I had gathered that last part for myself, but thank you for telling me anyway.'

'What I can't believe is that you never saw it. I mean, you're normally so quick to notice things, but you honestly never twigged that I had a thing for you?' Sirius asked.

'I guess I just knew that you were a bit of a flirt, and because I was attracted to you, I also told myself not to read too much into anything.'

Sirius's smile turned into a grin. 'So,' he asked, drawing the word out, 'you were attracted to me then? That's interesting to know.' He raised an eyebrow at her, his grey eyes glinting with mischief as a slightly too smug smile pulled at his lips.

Sophia rolled her eyes. 'Yes, for some unknown reason, I am, although I'm sure I could get over it given time,' she teased.

'No way – no one can ever get over Sirius Black.' He leaned in again and claimed her lips with his.

End Notes: Can I just say, YAY! I know I took a really long time to get here, but I had to give Sophia time to come to terms with what had happened to her. I really appreciate those of you who have stuck with me up to this point. I hope it has been worth it.

There is still a lot more to come in this story (it's looking to end up being about 30-ish chapters in total – most of which, you will be happy to know are at least drafted, if not polished yet), so keep an eye out for Chapter 19.