Chapter 10: Comatose

Disclaimer: Once again, just playing with JK Rowling's wonderful creation. Only Sophia is mine.

Author's Notes: A huge shout out to DracoGurlFurever for her brilliant beta skills and to the PP admins for all their hard work. Also, thank you to everyone who has stuck with this story so far and to anyone who has left me a review. It's lovely to read your thoughts and they really do inspire me. And a final thank you to my dear friend Meda who made this beautiful banner for me.

This is another chapter named after a song title. The song is 'Comatose' by Skillet. You can listen to it here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uZ7XcxPMyN0, if you so desire.

Chapter 10: Comatose

Sophia drifted through the rest of the week, still in a battle with her thoughts. Since spending a second night on the common room sofa with Sirius, she had forced herself to sleep in her own bed. However, sleep was slow to come when she was alone, and even when it did, she was often haunted by dreams of Rosier, which left her waking with a start and her heart pounding. On several occasions, Lily and Remus had tried to talk to her about how she was feeling, but she found that she couldn't talk to them about it. Their persistent questions and concerned looks were slowly driving her insane. Instead, she tried to focus her mind on her schoolwork; when that failed, she often found herself making excuses to leave them, preferring the silence of solitude in her dormitory.

She had managed to keep everything a secret from Lucy, Niahm, and Melanie – something that she felt guilty for. On the other hand, she couldn't bear the idea of anyone else knowing what she'd been through. It was bad enough seeing the pity and worry in the eyes of those who already knew without adding to it.

It was on Wednesday – exactly a week after Rosier's attack – that everything finally got too much for Sophia. She'd had a horrible day, full of small annoyances that were made worse by her lack of sleep, and she felt both tired and irritable by the end of the day. She had been working with Lily on an essay for Transfiguration in the common room; as they were packing their things up, Lily, once again, tried to ask Sophia about how she was coping.

'Lily – please, just drop it,' Sophia said through gritted teeth. Normally, she would have tried to be more polite with her response, but she was too tired to care.

'Soph, it's been a week, and you haven't talked about it. I only want to help. This silence and self-imposed solitude is not healthy.'

Sophia could see the concern in Lily's eyes as she pleaded with her. However, Sophia also felt a familiar pressure build inside her at Lily's insistence, causing her to become defensive in her desire to be left alone.

'If you want to help,' Sophia hissed as she rose from her seat, 'then you will just leave it. I don't want to talk about it.' The two girls had attracted the attention of the Marauders, who had been playing chess by the fire, and Remus came over to see what the problem was.

'What's happening? Sophia – are you okay?' he asked, giving Sophia the same look of concern that Lily was. This was the straw that broke the proverbial camel's back for Sophia, and she snapped.

'Will everyone please stop looking at me like that and asking me if I'm okay?' She had been in the process of putting her Transfiguration textbook in her bag, but in her anger, she slammed the book back on the table with a loud thud, causing Lily and Remus to jump back slightly. Her hands had begun to shake as her emotions spiralled out of her control. She was dimly aware that the rest of the common room was now staring in her direction, but she found that she didn't care.

'If I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times. I – am – fine! Will you all just leave – me – alone?' Her voice rose in volume and pitch as she felt her eyes become watery, and this only added to her feelings of frustration and anger – both at herself and the world in general. Now, she really did feel trapped, her chest feeling like it was tightening almost unbearably. She needed to get away from everyone – she needed time and space to collect herself together again. Sophia turned on her heels and strode over to the portrait hole to leave the common room.

'Where are you going?' Lily asked.

'Out!' Sophia snapped over her shoulder.

'Out where?' Lily called back.

'Wherever my feet take me!' Sophia shouted as she climbed down out of the common room and disappeared from view.

~~~~~

'What was all that about?' Sirius asked, joining a shocked Remus and Lily, both of whom were staring at the portrait hole that Sophia had just disappeared through.

'What do you think it was about? Lily was trying to get Sophia to talk about what happened, but she just flew off the handle and stormed out,' Remus responded despondently.

'All the same, you must have said something to her. I've never seen her act like that,' Sirius stated. He'd been shocked when he realised it had been Sophia's raised voice he had heard a few moments ago. He hadn't even known that she was capable of shouting at anyone; she'd always been so calm and reserved.

'I'm really worried about her,' Lily said softly, 'I don't think she's sleeping well, and I know she's not eating properly because I've been watching her. It's like she's just shutting down in an attempt to avoid what happened. This outburst proves it, in a way; the only time I've seen her lose her temper like that before this was another time when she'd been trying to hide how she was truly feeling.'

'What happened last time?' Sirius inquired, curious about this side of Sophia he didn't know existed. He was also feeling guilty that he hadn't done more to try to talk to her about how she was coping. He had seen how she was pulling away, but he had thought that she would talk when she was ready, so he hadn't pushed her. He now wondered if he had done the right thing.

Lily seemed to debate for a minute over how to answer before she spoke again. 'It was a while ago – her grandfather had just died, and she was having a hard time coming to terms with it. The effort of keeping up the facade of being 'okay' got to be too much for her, but she wouldn't talk to any of us about how she was feeling. Then one day, when we, the other girls and I, asked one more time, she blew up – exactly like she did just now. She just won't talk to me, though, and I don't know what to do,' Lily finished as she wrung her fingers together.

'Well, one thing is for certain – I don't want her wandering the halls alone again, so I'll try to find her and get her to come back here,' Remus said.

'Wait,' Sirius started, 'why don't you let me try?' Remus and Lily seemed unsure about this suggestion. 'Well, you two have both tried to get her to talk and not succeeded. I might have more luck; after all, I was there.'

Lily shifted from one foot to another, obviously not sure what to do for the best outcome, but Remus seemed to be open to the idea.

'Okay, I suppose that makes sense. Just find her and try to get her to either talk or come back here, will you?'

'Sure thing, I'll be back in a moment.' Sirius turned and ran up the stairs to his dormitory; after rummaging around the untidy room for a few minutes, he managed to locate the map tucked inside one of the pockets of James' trunk. Placing it carefully into his robes, he ran back down to the common room and left through the portrait hole.

Once in the hallway, he pulled open the map and, touching it with his wand, muttered, 'I do solemnly swear that I am up to no good.' He realised the irony of the statement as he waited for all of the ink to appear – for once, he was breaking the rules for a noble purpose.

His eyes flicked quickly over the map as he tried to locate Sophia's name. In the week since he had first set out to test the map, the Marauders had been working on getting each dot to be accompanied by a label telling the reader who was where – he simply prayed that it was accurate, because they hadn't had a chance to properly test it yet.

After a few seconds of frantic searching, he managed to locate what he hoped was Sophia's dot. Apparently she was a few floors down, so he set off as quickly as he could in order to catch up with her. He scanned the map every thirty seconds or so – first, in an attempt to keep up with where Sophia was heading (it appeared there was no rhyme or reason behind her movements) and second, because he needed to keep an eye out for any prefects, teachers, and Filch.

After trailing through the castle for close to fifteen minutes, Sirius finally ended up in the same corridor as Sophia.

He quickly touched his wand to the map and muttered, 'Mischief managed.' Making sure that the map was now blank again, he tucked it back into his robes as he quickened his stride to catch up with her.

'Sophia!' he called out softly when he was a short distance behind her. She stopped and turned slightly in his direction, but she kept her face to the floor.

'Sirius, what do you want?' Her tone was more weary than angry, which he hoped meant that he could coax her into talking to him.

'I just want to make sure that you don't get into any ... trouble, that's all. If you don't want to speak to me, then that's fine, but at least let me walk with you,' he replied, giving her a stern look.

The silence stretched between them before Sophia finally sighed. 'Fine, if you must,' she said, throwing her hands up in the air as she turned and started walking again. They walked aimlessly round the corridors for a few more minutes before Sirius plucked up the courage to speak again.

'Um ... Soph?'

'I thought you said you weren't going to speak?'

'Well, I was just going to suggest that if you wanted somewhere quiet to think, we could go to the Shrieking Shack, that was all.'

'The Shrieking Shack?' Sophia stopped walking and turned to face Sirius. 'What do you mean? We can't get out the gates.'

'There's a secret passageway under the Whomping Willow tree that I just happen to know how to get into – but if you would rather wander the halls aimlessly, then who am I to question ...' he trailed off, letting a smirk grace his face as he raised an eyebrow at her.

He watched her emotions play out across her face before he saw that she was finally conceding defeat. 'Fine – lead the way, oh wise one,' she replied sarcastically.

He led her out of the castle and across the grounds to the Whomping Willow, where he used a branch to press the knot at the base of the tree, immobilising the branches and allowing them both to slip down into the passageway to the Shrieking Shack. They had to stoop as they made their way down the long passage; eventually, Sirius opened the trapdoor, and they both emerged in the Shrieking Shack, only their elbows and hands slightly covered in mud.

He watched her look round the room, which was gloomy and covered in dust. The windows were boarded up, and there were hardly any furnishings. She didn't seem impressed by what she saw, but she said nothing to him. She walked over to one of the windows and positioned herself so that she could see the night sky through the broken shutters.

It was strange for Sirius to be here without the rest of the Marauders. He'd been here a little over a week ago with Remus, during his transformation after the Gryffindor vs. Slytherin Quidditch match. This building seemed to fit the mood surrounding Sophia at the moment, much like it had also fitted Remus's feelings over his lycanthropy – despondent and hopeless. She looked like a haunted, empty shell of her former self. They stood in silence for several minutes until Sirius broke it.

'Soph,' he said gently, 'talk to me.'

Sophia sighed and kept her attention on the stars outside. 'There's nothing to talk about, Sirius.'

'There is,' he persisted. 'You may not feel like it, but you have to talk about what happened. You can't hide it from me – I was there. I saw the look in your eyes that night, so don't go telling me that you're fine and there's nothing to talk about.' His voice was becoming more forceful; he was determined that she wouldn't leave here without talking to him now.

'I don't want to talk about it, Sirius. If that's the only reason you've brought me here, then I'm going back.' Her voice was hard, with a bitter edge to it, as she whipped round and made to go to the trapdoor.

Sirius saw this coming and quickly made his way across the room to stop her leaving. He held the tops of her arms and tried to look into her eyes, but she turned her face away.

'Let go of me, Sirius,' she hissed.

He realised that she was again becoming defensive and angry, just like she had in the common room. However, after living with his mother's wrath, this didn't worry him in the slightest; at least anger was an emotion, and therefore better than her being completely non-responsive to him.

'I will, if you agree to stay here and talk to me. I only want to help.'

'If I hear "I only want to help" again, then I will not be held accountable for my actions! There is nothing that anyone can do, so will everyone just stop asking?' she shouted as she stared back up at him defiantly. Her face was hard, and her eyes were blazing fiercely. 'Now, let go of me!' She struggled to free her arms, but was no match for him, and he watched as her cheeks began to turn red, though he wasn't sure if that was through effort or emotion.

He passively and persistently maintained his grip on her arms until she was suddenly crying. He responded quickly to this change in mood, pulling her to his chest and wrapping his arms round her. He realised that this was the breakthrough she needed; he hoped that, once the tears were out of her system, he would be able to get her to talk.

'It's okay ... let it out,' he whispered to her, rubbing her back. Her body racked with the sobs as he maintained his hold on her. As she continued, the crying became worse and worse, and he began to realise just how much she must have been holding back from everyone. He had watched her closely this week – as, in fact, had all the Marauders and Lily – and a dull ache had settled in his chest as he'd seen her become more withdrawn. Now that he saw how deep her pain went, his insides churned, and the dull ache became a vicious stab right through his heart. He would give anything to take this pain on himself – she shouldn't have to feel like this.

Eventually, the sobs started to lessen in their severity, and Sophia seemed to slowly regain her self-control. Sirius pulled his torso back slightly and looked down at her.

'You feel ready to talk now?' he asked softly, brushing the hair off her face with one hand while keeping the other tightly wrapped round her. She lifted her head slightly, and he saw that her eyes were red from crying, her long dark lashes clinging to one another, forming spikes; the dim light highlighted the paths her tears had made down her cheeks. She nodded meekly in reply before pulling away from him and walking over to the window again where she took a deep, shuddering breath before speaking quietly.

'I'm sorry, Sirius.'

'What on earth are you sorry for?'

'For everything ... for getting you involved in this ... for shouting at you ... for crying all over you ... for everything,' she finished weakly, still suffering the occasional hiccup from crying.

'Don't be so ridiculous – do you think I would have rather left you?' He felt shocked and hurt by her comment, and his tone became harsh. 'Do you really think that I wish I hadn't found you?' He saw her wince at his words, and his anger died quickly as his voice became soft again. 'Why won't you talk to us about how you're feeling? We can all see that you aren't coping, but every time we try to help, you just shut down. I've watched you this week and it's like you are barely there – it's almost like you're becoming catatonic. You just seem to drift through the day like a ghost of yourself. I can't bear seeing you like that anymore – none of us can.'

He walked across the room with a sense of purpose as he closed the gap between them. When he'd gotten close enough, he gently reached out and turned Sophia round to face him. 'Look, out of all of us, I at least have an insight into what you're going through. I was there. I know you're not sleeping ... because I'm not sleeping either.'

He paused and took a deep breath. He hoped that, if he showed his own weakness, it would help her to open up to him. Since the Thursday night he'd spent with Sophia in the common room, he'd not had one full night's sleep. He'd spent the nights of Friday, Saturday and Sunday in the common room, endeavouring to stay awake for as long as possible in case Sophia came down again as she had on Thursday, but she hadn't. He had eventually fallen asleep on the sofa for a few hours each night, but his dreams were plagued by the image of her face when he'd found her. Since the weekend, he'd been sleeping in his own bed, but that didn't mean that his dreams were now peaceful. 'I just want to help ... I just want to make it better ... please ... just, talk to me.'

'I ... I can't ... I just can't,' she stammered, looking at the floor, desperately trying to hold back the tears that were threatening to spill from her eyes again.

'Yes, you can; I know how brave you are. You know it's okay to be upset – don't you?' He tilted her chin up so that he could look into her eyes as he spoke to her, but she pulled away from him and looked down at the floor again.

'No ... it's not okay ... because he's won, hasn't he? Despite my best efforts, he's still won!' She looked back up at him now, and a harsh look was on her face. 'No matter how hard I try, he's always there ... I'm always wondering, always thinking: what if, what if, what if; it never ends. The only way I can get through a day is by concentrating on my classes and my work. I can't let myself think about it; it's just too hard.'

'He's not won, Sophia. He's only won if you let him rule your life. Shutting people out will not help you. I know that it's hard to talk about it, but please, just try.'

Sirius took her hand and led her over to the sofa where he performed a quick cleaning charm to get rid of the worst of the dust before they both sat down. He wrapped both his hands around hers and waited for what seemed like forever – finally, she spoke.

'I just feel so ... so empty ... like I've lost everything that made me who I am, and I don't know how to get it back.' Sophia had stared down at the floor as she had spoken, but now turned to look at him; he saw the pain in her blue eyes. He stayed silent and nodded for her to continue. 'I just feel numb, and it feels like all my senses are shutting down. The only time I feel any real emotion is when I get angry, like I did tonight – and I know that you all mean well, but it feels ... it just feels so suffocating, and I just blow up. I always feel guilty afterwards, but I just can't help it.'

'It's okay, that's what we're here for. You don't have to keep it bottled up. Any time you need someone to shout at or punch, just let me know, and I'm there,' Sirius replied cheekily, giving Sophia one of his devilish smiles before turning serious again. 'It's going to take time, but you'll get there – I know you will. Just don't block us out, yeah? We want to be there for you – because we care about you.'

Sophia smiled softly. 'Thank you, Sirius.'

'You're welcome. Now, maybe we should get back. I think Lily is worried about you, and I don't want to give that red-headed spitfire any reason to have a go at me – well, any more than the usual reasons.' He gave her a wink and one of his best grins, which managed to initiate a small chuckle from her before it died suddenly on her lips.

'Is she really angry with me?' Sophia asked hesitantly.

'Huh? Lily – no, not at all. Honestly, we are all just worried about you,' Sirius replied, hoping she realised how sincere he was being.

Sophia seemed to think about what he'd said for a moment before speaking again. 'All right – let's go.'

Sirius smiled as he stood and pulled her up off the sofa before leading her back to the trapdoor.

Once back out in the open, the pair walked quickly across the lawn to the castle before Sirius stopped to activate the map.

'What's that?' Sophia asked curiously as she leant in over his shoulder to get a better look.

'This is our little brainchild,' Sirius replied proudly.

'What does it do? It just looks like a bit of parchment to me,' Sophia replied, obviously puzzled.

'Ah, but you see, therein lies the genius! Watch this – I do solemnly swear that I am up to no good.' Sirius couldn't help but grin as he tapped the parchment with his wand, causing the ink to re-appear.

'Is that ... Hogwarts?' Sophia sounded astounded.

'Yes it is; you know, your surprise is a little insulting,' he retorted.

'Sorry.' She looked up at him through her lashes, smiling sheepishly as she blushed.

Sophia's reaction was so normal that he forgot himself for a moment as his stomach seemed to flutter. Mentally slapping himself, he quickly pulled himself out of it before carrying on.

'You're forgiven,' he teased, in an attempt to lighten the mood again and hide his own discomfort. 'We've been working on it for weeks. I was actually testing it last week when ...' His voice faltered as Sophia looked away. Giving a quick cough to clear his throat, Sirius continued. 'Well, anyway, it was very helpful in finding you again tonight, when you oh-so-sensibly stormed off.' He gave her a wink to show that he was still joking, but that still didn't stop her cheeks going a deeper shade of crimson. 'Anyway, we'll just keep checking it, and hopefully we'll avoid detection on our way back up to the common room.' Sophia nodded, and Sirius turned his attention to the map again before leading the way back up to the Gryffindor Tower.

They safely reached the Fat Lady's portrait fifteen minutes later, having had to take a detour to avoid being spotted by Filch. Sirius said the password before helping Sophia up into the common room. Sure enough, the Marauders and Lily were waiting up for them, and Sirius briefly wondered how long Lily had been sitting with his friends by the fire.

'Soph, are you okay?' Lily said quickly, jumping to her feet and coming over to hug Sophia.

'Yeah, I'm okay. I'm sorry for shouting earlier. It wasn't anything personal – I was just a bit tense, I suppose.' Sophia still sounded ashamed about her earlier antics, which was something Sirius couldn't quite understand. Why did she have this insatiable need to please everybody? She was going through her own personal hell; she shouldn't be worrying about what anyone else was thinking.

'Oh, don't be silly,' Lily chided. 'All I care about is that you are okay. Now, shall we go up to bed? I don't mean to sound rude, but you look awful.'

Sophia chuckled slightly at Lily's comment. 'No offence taken – I think you're probably right.' She turned to face Sirius again. 'Thank you again, Sirius. I don't know where I'd be without you.' Her voice was soft, but the look she gave him was intense; again, his stomach fluttered slightly as he tried to muster a casual smile. She stepped towards him and gave him a tight hug before letting go and walking up to the girl's dormitory with Lily, both girls waving goodnight to the other Marauders as they left.

'Pads? You okay, mate?' James had walked over to where Sirius was standing, staring at the door Sophia had just exited through.

'Yeah, I'm fine,' he replied, trying to sound normal.

'How did it go? I presume you managed to get her talking – you were gone for ages,' Remus said; he and Peter joined them, and Sirius could see the worry etched over Remus' face.

'Maybe we should go upstairs, and I'll tell you there,' Sirius suggested, looking at his friends, who all seemed to agree with his suggestion.

In their dormitory, Sirius tried to occupy his hands with tidying – something that he never did if at all possible – as he waited for someone to break the silence.

'What happened? How's she doing?' Peter asked.

Sirius looked round, and each of the Marauders had taken up a seat on his own bed, looking at him expectantly. He sat down on his bed, a jumper still in his hands, as he answered.

'Not good, I'm afraid. I managed to get her to go to the Shrieking Shack, but when we got there, she obviously wasn't going to talk. I started to ask her questions, and she blew up like she did here. I had to physically stop her from leaving again. Then, through the anger, she just erupted into tears. Honestly, I've never seen anyone cry like that. Even last week, after it had just happened, she didn't cry that badly.'

Sirius paused, remembering Sophia's crying, until he looked at Remus' apprehensive face. Taking a deep breath, and lightening his tone, he continued.

'However, once the tears were out of her system, she seemed a bit more stable, and she started talking. She kept apologising for her behaviour, which I told her was ridiculous; then, she confessed that she'd just been trying to block it from her memory – because if she thinks about it, then she goes to pieces and that makes her feel like Rosier has won.'

'Merlin, no wonder she exploded earlier. No one could keep all that bottled up inside,' James muttered.

'What did you say to her?' Remus asked gently.

'I just told her that the only way she would get over it was to talk about it and that, given time, she would feel better. I also said that we were all here for her and that we just want her to feel right again. I didn't know what else I could say.' Sirius looked at Remus, awaiting his response.

'I don't think you could say anything else. You did a good job, Pads.' Remus nodded approvingly. 'If you'll excuse me, I'm going to get ready for bed; I've got a long day tomorrow.' With that, Remus stood up and walked into the bathroom.

James and Peter looked at Sirius to see if he would elaborate further on his comments; when he didn't, they too got up and started getting themselves ready for bed, leaving Sirius lost in his muddle of thoughts.