Chapter Eighteen: A Little Chat

Disclaimer: The characters and settings belomg to J. K. R. I only own the things I make them do.

Chapter Eighteen: A Little Chat

"Do I have to?" Severus growled as he walked his wife to Potions class after lunch.

"Yes. You promised Ginny. Just ask Harry, nicely, to stay after class. I know he has nothing after Potions today, and you have a free hour. No excuses."

"And what makes either of you two believe Potter will be prepared to listen to advice on sex from a man who has only recently been enlightened himself? Would it not be better to come from someone he actually likes and respects?"

"Firstly, Harry has no idea I was your first. Just do your spy thing and act as if you are an expert. Secondly, he does respect you. Now, anyway. True, he still doesn't like you all that much, but we're not expecting you to become best friends, just have a short conversation. Is that so very difficult?"

"Yes, dear, it is. Talking about such personal matters with students is..."

"Something you do with your Slytherins all the time, from what Draco told me at Christmas. If it helps, just imagine Harry is wearing a nice Slytherin jumper and tie." Hermione turned and looked down the corridor. Seeing no-one about, she backed Severus against the wall and silenced any further protests with a scorching kiss. "And if you do a good job, you might just get a special surprise later," she whispered before disappearing down the stairs.

A group of passing Hufflepuffs could not restrain their amusement at the sight of the Potions master leaning against the wall, robes and hair in disarray, with a befuddled expression on his face. They were smart enough to scurry down the corridor before he had an opportunity to deduct points, however, much to Severus's disappointment. Straightening his appearance, he stalked off to the dungeon to face his eighth year class and Harry Potter.

"Mr Potter, see me after the lesson," Severus barked as the students were clearing their workbenches and putting away ingredients.

"Nicely," Hermione mouthed with a frown in her husband's direction. Rolling her eyes at the put-upon expression on his face, she smiled at Harry. "It's okay. He won't eat you."

"What have I done wrong this time?" Harry muttered as he made his way to the front of the classroom.

Hermione waved at the two wizards as she closed the door on her way out. She grinned upon hearing the soft click of the lock and the sudden dampening of sound as Severus ensured he would not be interrupted.

"You wanted to see me, sir?" Harry asked politely.

"I have little desire to see you, Mr Potter, but unfortunately I have the need to speak with you for a few moments. Follow me." He turned on his heel and led Harry through to his office and, after a slight hesitation, into the sitting room.

Despite his growing anxiety, Harry could not restrain a soft snort at the décor.

"I heard that, Potter. Yes, it is red. Yes, it was red long before my wife moved in. Now, can we move on?"

"Er... yes, of course, sir." Harry watched Severus as he fidgeted with some quills on the desk.

"You might as well take a seat." The older wizard directed Harry to the couch and settled himself into one of the armchairs. "I... That is, they... We... Dammit!" He ran his hands through his hair as if to pluck the right words from his scalp.

"Sir?" The odd behaviour of his professor was alarming Harry, used to the man's rigid control under any circumstances.

"There's no easy way to say this, Potter, so you will just have to bear with me. Ginny..."

"Ginny?"

"Yes, Ginny. The youngest Weasley. Red hair, plays Quidditch. I presume you know her?" Sarcasm was much easier.

"But you called her 'Ginny'."

"That is of no consequence. I have been tasked by my wife and her friend to enlighten you as to certain areas in which you have been apparently neglectful. In all their many years of wisdom, they have decided I need to talk to you about..."

Unwelcome realisation poked its head into Harry's brain. "Sex? They forced you to try and convince me to have sex with Ginny, didn't they? Bloody impossible women!"

"For once, Potter, I agree with you. However, that does not improve our situation. I am supposed to discover why you have refused to cooperate with Ginny's desire to... you know." For once, Severus's eloquence failed him. "I admit, I'm somewhat curious. She is not an unattractive witch. From all accounts you have declared your feelings towards each other, and she is over the age of consent. Whilst I approve personally of your wish to delay gratification until you are both more mature, I have been told in no uncertain terms that everyone is doing it, and from my own experience as a senior student here I am at a loss as to why you are denying yourself."

Harry shifted in his seat, embarrassment warring with relief at finding someone who might actually understand. "I thought you hadn't..."

Severus scowled. "They told me you didn't know that. Is there anyone in this damned school who doesn't know my sexual history?"

"Oh, they didn't tell me. I suppose I just assumed. With Mum and all. You obviously hadn't got together with her before she started going out with Dad. And after that, you did kind of hold a torch for her, didn't you? I figured you weren't the kind to have meaningless sex just for the sake of it. Besides, one virgin recognises another."

The professor stared at his student, astounded at his perspicacity and apparent approval. "I... er, yes, Potter, thank you." His mind finally realised what else the younger wizard had let slip. "You haven't had any experience?"

"No. Never. And I'm way out of my depth." Harry replied with a rueful grin.

"You and me both, boy," Severus muttered.

"You see, sir, Ginny's mum. She terrifies me. If I so much as touch Ginny, she'll probably hex my balls off." Harry's previous antipathy towards the man before him dissipated with the opportunity to talk about his problem to a fellow wizard.

Severus shuddered. "She's a fearsome witch, your future mother-in-law. But in the interest of marital harmony – mine now and yours in the future – there's something you should know. Molly Prewett and Arthur Weasley have the distinction of still holding the record for the number of inventive places and positions they were discovered shagging in while at Hogwarts. Molly Weasley has absolutely no moral high ground here." He smirked at Harry's look of disbelief.

"That's... that's... bloody brilliant! And she lectures all of us about proper behaviour!" Harry succumbed to his mirth, and even Severus's lips quirked a little. "But that's not the only reason. You remember my Aunt Petunia, sir? Tall, thin, no sense of humour?

"How could I forget that delightful woman?" Severus's expression left little doubt as to his opinion of Harry's aunt.

"Well, she caught me, you know, at it, once one summer. It was horrible. She yelled at me for hours. Every time I get interested now, all I can think of is her voice... yelling. Ruins the mood."

"But surely you must..." Severus swallowed hard and continued, "masturbate at times?"

"Nope. Not since then." Harry scowled. "How pathetic is that? No... don't answer. Besides, even if I did get over that problem, I still have no idea what to do. What if I'm hopeless?"

To his surprise, Severus did not scoff or sneer. Instead, he walked over to his desk and retrieved a large Muggle book. "Here. Read this. The chapters on masturbation and foreplay are rather enlightening. Just be thankful you don't have to write a damned essay on it."

"She didn't!"

"She bloody did. Three fucking feet." Severus smirked.

"Hope you gave her four." Harry was beginning to enjoy the more relaxed Snape before him.

"Five actually. With diagrams."

"Oh, Merlin. I would have loved to have seen her face when she got that." He watched through laughter-induced tears as Severus fossicked around in the lowest shelf of the bookcase and found two small paperbacks.

"Muggle romances? Those are rubbish," the young wizard scoffed.

"Very true, but witches love them. They idealise their men and want them to behave like the heroes in the books. Trust me, Harry, knowing your opponent is half the battle. Read those books, and you'll be halfway to victory." Severus had never enlightened Hermione as to exactly where he had done his extracurricular research.

Harry didn't take long to put two and two together. "The day before your wedding when you and Hermione were in the storeroom. She came out looking all hot and bothered and glared daggers at you for the rest of the lesson."

"Page one hundred and thirty-three in that one and fifty-two in the other. Worked like a charm." Severus's smug expression was all the confirmation his student needed. "However, I would be remiss if I did not advise you not to proceed unless you are sure you're ready to take the next step in your relationship. Unlike me, you have plenty of time." He reached for his wand and summoned a tray. "Now, Potter, would you care for some tea? I have a few questions to ask you about Ginny."

"Harry. You called me Harry before." The young man held out an olive branch. "Now you're married to my best friend, you can call me Harry, if you like."

Severus turned from the tea tray and studied the boy who had previously been the bane of his existence. Well, one of them, anyway. In all fairness, Potter really hadn't been as obnoxious as he'd expected after the war. He had avoided any publicity and kept out of trouble. Even his Potions-making had improved. Placing the tray on the small table in front of the couch, Severus sighed as he resigned himself to allowing yet another Gryffindor into his life. They seemed to be taking over.

"Harry, then. And given your relationship to those two young women who have decided to run my life, I suppose you may call me Severus. But only in these rooms." Severus scowled. "Merlin, I must be going soft," he muttered to himself.

Harry grinned and took his cup. "So, Severus, what did you want to know about Ginny?"

A positively evil smirk adorned the Potions master's face as he replied, "Anything I can use against the minx. For some insane reason she has decided she wishes to fill the role of my annoying little sister."

"You do realise she has had eighteen years of experience at tormenting older brothers, don't you? She has George completely at her mercy, and Ron only encourages her. You're going to need all the help you can get. But if you breathe one word of my involvement, the entire school will find out you've been reading Muggle romances."

"I think we understand each other." Severus leaned back in his chair and, probably for the first time in their relationship, simply listened to Harry speak.

"So, how did it go?" Hermione was not reassured by the look of satisfaction on her husband's face. Had he hexed Harry?

"Surprisingly well, once he recovered from the shock. We have discussed the problem, and he has undertaken to improve the situation, and that's all I am going to tell you."

"But..."

"But nothing. Harry had valid reasons for his behaviour, and they have been addressed. You wanted me to talk to him, and I did. Now, I believe I was promised something earlier?" He reached for his wife and gathered her into his arms.

Somewhat later, as Severus lay spent and entangled in sweat-dampened sheets and supple young limbs, a thought suddenly crossed his mind. "Hermione?"

"Yes, love?"

"You and Ginny don't have any plots under way that require me talking to Weasley about sex, do you? Or, Merlin forbid, Longbottom?"

"Goodness me, no, Severus. Why would you think that?" She lifted her head to meet his frown.

"Thank the gods for that. I think the reward would kill me!"

"Oh, I don't know, I think you'd be up to the challenge," she teased as she reached down to stroke him back to life.

"Unhand me this instant, woman, or I will not be responsible for the conseq... ahhh... mmm." His protest ground to a halt as the magic of her touch wrought havoc with his senses.

"You were saying?" Hermione asked as she trailed kisses across his chest.

"Nothing. Absolutely nothing."

A/N: Many thanks to ladyinthecloak for her beta skills. She's the best! And thanks to all the lovely readers who have left reviews. We are nearly at the end now, just a few loose ends to sort out.