Chapter 38

Disclaimer: These characters are not mine. Some of the plot in this chapter is quoted verbatim from the Harry Potter books and movies. All hail J.K. Rowling and her awesomeness!

Chapter 38

Hermione entered Severus’ classroom the next day, deep in thought. Severus was seated at his desk, reading through and marking some essays that the fourth-years had handed in. He glanced up as Hermione entered the room. His heart leapt within him as he realized once again that she was here, finally… his Hermione. If he hadn’t been so austere, he would be leaping through the halls right now rejoicing at her return.

Hermione came up to him and embraced him from behind. He leaned back in his chair and enjoyed her loving embrace.

“Can I ask a favor of you, Severus?” Hermione asked him.

“Of course.”

Hermione came around his chair and sat in his lap. She looked concerned about something.

“It’s of a personal nature, and I don’t want you to be offended,” she continued.

“What is it?”

“Could I possibly see your memories of me these last few years? I feel…” She tried to find the right words to express how she was feeling. “I feel like I’ve destroyed my other self. The least I can do is honor her by seeing what her life was like.”

“Her life was much like yours was, I would imagine.”

“But she had experiences that I didn’t, just like I had many that she didn’t. I hate to see those experiences just disappear into thin air. I feel like they should be a part of me, but they escaped me somehow in the transition from one reality to the next.”

“Come on,” Severus said. “We can use my Pensieve.”

“Thank you,” Hermione said gratefully.

A few minutes later, they both stood in Severus’ office. Severus wandered over to the cabinet where his Pensieve was located and opened the doors. Hermione watched him pull out the Pensieve and set it on his desk. He took his wand and started removing memories and placing them into the Pensieve.

“Are you sure you want to see all of them? There are quite a lot.”

“Put in anything you think is pertinent,” Hermione offered.

After a few minutes, the Pensieve was swirling with memories. Hermione stared into it, a bit apprehensive as to what she might see.

“Do you want me to come with you?” Severus asked.

She looked over to him and put her hand out to grasp his.

“Of course I do.”

He smiled at her before they both plunged into his memories.

They emerged in a swirl and stood in the Great Hall. They were up by the teacher’s table as Severus looked out at the first years ready to be sorted. Hermione spied herself speaking to Justin Finch-Fletchley. She prattled on about what she had read in Hogwarts: A History.

Hermione blushed as she watched herself gush about stupid facts that really meant nothing. She moved in closer to Severus.

“You were right to call me a know-it-all. Look at that babbling.”

Severus looked down at her. “I never called you a know-it-all,” he said simply.

Hermione looked up at him gratefully. “Thank you,” she responded as she squeezed his hand.

The memory changed. Hermione arched an eyebrow as memory Severus went over to memory Hermione after the troll attack.

“Are you all right, Miss Granger?”

She nodded.

“Please be more careful in the future. Going after a troll by oneself is foolhardy for an adult, let alone for a first year.”

Hermione nodded again. Severus went on to coax the true tale from the young Hermione’s lips.

“You’re good,” Hermione murmured as she watched him kindly advise her younger self.

The scene changed. Hermione turned beet red as she watched herself stealing stores from Severus’ supplies. She was shocked to see him appear from nowhere.

“Oh, no! You caught me this time!” the real Hermione cried.

Severus said nothing as they watched the memory. Hermione finally looked to him as she watched herself sneak off with the supplies.

“You let me take them,” she said softly.

Severus nodded.

“I’m sorry I did that. It’s something I’ve always felt guilty about.”

“Shh,” Severus said and pointed at the memory that was now forming.

Hermione watched as Severus gave her advice about not being so snooty in class. She observed him in the Shrieking Shack as he listened to the three of them while they explained about Pettigrew, eventually uncovering the identity of the rat. Then they were in the infirmary, and Severus had found out about her Time-Turner. She marveled at how calm he’d been, how he’d kept their secret, and how he’d actually stood up for Sirius Black.

The scene changed again, and they were at the Yule Ball.

Memory Severus watched Hermione dance with Viktor Krum, then there was an announcement that students would ask faculty to dance.

“Why do you have your eyes closed?” Hermione asked Severus.

“I was thinking of all of the horrid possibilities for dance partners.”

Hermione giggled as she watched herself go up and tap Severus on the shoulder.

“Were you imagining me?”

“Not in the slightest. I about ran out of the room.”

They watched their younger selves dance as Hermione told Severus he was a challenge. The real Hermione reached out and grasped Severus’ hand.

“I can’t imagine that was comfortable for you.”

“On the contrary, I loved every minute of it.”

Hermione looked over to Severus and saw his eyes smoldering while looking at her. Her stomach dropped to the floor as he came in for a kiss. When they parted he smiled down at her.

“That’s the only thing that was missing from that dance,” he mused.

She smiled at him brightly before they returned to his memories. Hermione, Harry, and Severus were sparring together in the Room of Requirement.

“We trained privately with you?” Hermione asked.

“I trained Harry from his first year at Hogwarts. This was the first year you joined us. It seems that our secret meetings were easily figured out by you. Harry came with you to ask me for help with the Golden Egg—we must have missed that memory—and I invited you to stay and train with us.”

Hermione watched in amazement as they dueled while he gave them constructive criticism. He never got angry with them, even when they slammed him against the wall and knocked him out. Over and over again, Hermione saw Severus encouraging her, whether it was in potions making or in life itself. He urged her not to be upset when Ron was a prat, he told her how brilliant she was, and he encouraged her in Potions class, albeit quietly. There were so many memories of him just helping her in some way. Hermione felt her heart clench within her. What would it have been like to receive such support from him in my youth?

She watched as her memory self touched Severus shoulder as he hid in the woods, watching Harry get the Sword of Gryffindor. She was stunned to find out that her other self had found a way to know the truth about his attempted murder of Dumbledore.

Then they were in the infirmary at Hogwarts. Severus lay on a hospital bed in a private room. He was pale and looked to be near death. Some of his injuries were still in the process of healing, and his face was a bit black and blue. Hermione gasped at the sight of him.

She watched herself hold his hand and assure him that he would recover. She recognized the look in her eye as more than just friendship. She could tell she had been attracted to him. She smiled to herself. How could she not be attracted to him, he was wonderful.

The scene changed again, and it was after the war. Severus and she were in his lab, brewing, and he suggested she become a Potions mistress. Then there were several memories of them studying together.

Hermione shook her head as she watched herself gush on stupidly about Ron Weasley. She admired Severus’ strength in being a good friend and never telling her she was stupid.

“You should have just slapped me upside the head, Severus. What on Earth was I thinking?”

“You were in love, my dear. Love makes people do strange things and hold onto hopes much longer than they should.”

Tears formed in Hermione’s eyes. “I’m sorry, Severus. That must have hurt to listen to me go on and on about him.”

Severus turned and wiped her tears away for her. “That wasn’t you, you need not apologize.”

His arms went around her as they continued watching. She watched as memory Severus gave a hidden sigh of relief when she told him she had finally broken off her relationship with Ron. He, of course, was very supportive and sweet about everything, boosting up her confidence in her decision.

The memories ended with the two of them joking with each other as they both brewed side by side. Suddenly, Hermione found herself back in Dumbledore’s office, Severus standing beside her with his arm still around her waist. She looked up at him and sighed. Extricating herself from his arms, she wandered over to the couch and sat down. Her eyebrows were furrowed, and she looked quite disturbed. Severus came over to her and sat beside her. He took her hand.

“You’re upset?” he asked.

“I’m insanely jealous,” she remarked.

Severus arched an eyebrow at her.

“Why?” he asked.

She looked to him. “I hate that she had you. I can’t imagine what I would be like if you had been so wonderful to me.”

“I imagine you would be like her.”

Hermione grinned ruefully. “I would have killed to have such attention from you.”

“Hermione, you are wonderful as you are. I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you in your youth, but you are amazing nonetheless.”

“I am still jealous of her,” she muttered. “No wonder she had a crush on you for years!”

Severus looked at her quizzically.

“Harry told me. She told him that she had been attracted to you for years but didn’t think it would work out. It seems she was a bit shy.”

Severus pulled Hermione close as he mulled over that for a while.

“I’m glad she never told me,” he said finally.

Hermione craned her neck back so she could look at him. “Why?”

“Because she wasn’t you. She looked like you and acted like you, but ultimately, she wasn’t you, and deep down, I knew it. I knew that you would come back and be much different than she was. As I said before, it was comforting to have her near, but I just wanted you back, not her. Something inside of me told me she wasn’t you and never would be. You have a spirit that was whittled away in her by Weasley. I sometimes worried that that change in her might have changed you too, but thankfully it didn’t. It seemed that she was never you in any case, so I needn’t have worried.”

“I still think she had it better with the way you treated her. How could she not fall for you?”

“I am nothing to write home about, Hermione.”

“Severus, you are more amazing than you give yourself credit for.”

Severus smiled at her and pushed an errant curl behind her ear.

“Could I ask you a favor now?”

“Sure,” Hermione said.

“Would you show me your memories of me?”

Hermione smirked. “I suppose that’s only fair.”

They rose and returned to the Pensieve. Severus pulled his memories back into his head, and Hermione was now the one pulling memories out of her mind and placing them into the Pensieve. When it was full she turned to him.

“Do you want some company?” she asked.

“Of course,” he replied and grasped her hand.

They plunged into the Pensieve once again.

Severus stood in his classroom glaring down at Harry Potter. Hermione sat wide-eyed next to Harry as Severus asked questions to which he knew the youth would not know the answer. Severus completely ignored Hermione’s hand in the air.

“I guess fame… isn’t… everything…” Severus muttered vilely.

The memory changed, and Severus was glowering at her after the troll attack. She shrank back as he looked her up and down with a look of disgust, swirled his robes about him, and stalked out of the bathroom.

They were in the Potions classroom, brewing. Severus glared down into Hermione’s cauldron.

“Satisfactory, Miss Granger,” he grumbled and stalked to the next cauldron. Hermione looked at him grumpily.

“What were you thinking just then?” the real Severus asked the real Hermione.

She smiled. “I was imagining that you wouldn’t know an outstanding potion if it jumped out of the cauldron at you and transformed you into Lucius Malfoy.”

Severus chuckled at that.

“Who can tell me the difference between an Animagus and a Werewolf?”

Memory Severus ignored everyone.

“Please, sir!” Hermione burst out and gave a perfect textbook response to his query.

“Do you enjoy speaking out of turn, Miss Granger? Or is it just that you take pride in being an insufferable know-it-all?”

The real Severus flinched at his nasty comment. He watched the rest of the exchange, including his nasty comments to Harry about loss of limb not excusing him from the essay he had just assigned.

Then they were in the Shrieking Shack, and Snape was confronting Black. Harry tried to interrupt, and Snape turned, snarling at him.

“Shut up, Potter! You know nothing of what this concerns!”

He turned back to Black and went on and on about how he would receive the Order of Merlin for turning Black over to the Dementors and how he would watch them administer the kiss. Suddenly Harry, Ron, and Hermione simultaneously threw the Expelliarmus spell at him. He flew into the bed and was out cold. Then much later he was arguing with Dumbledore on how Potter must have freed Black and should be punished.

Severus shook his head at his stupidity.

They were back in Potions class. Harry and Draco were trading insults. Draco turned and insulted Hermione, which sent Harry into a tizzy. Suddenly, both Harry and Draco sent Transfiguring spells at one another. They missed each other entirely, and the spells hit Goyle and Hermione. Hermione’s large teeth grew and grew, and she looked like a deranged rabbit.

Severus looked to Goyle, who had blotches all over his face, and immediately sent him to the infirmary.

“What about Hermione?” Harry asked.

“I see no difference,” Severus muttered and turned away.

Hermione’s eyes filled with tears before she ran from the room.

The real Severus looked to his Hermione. Her jaw clenched tensely at the memory. He wished he could wipe it from her mind forever.

There were more scenes of negative comments and horrid teaching practices. There was not one non-Slytherin student that Severus did not berate or embarrass, it would seem. He got great pleasure out of scaring Neville Longbottom witless. Finally, they were in the Shrieking Shack. Severus lay on the floor in a pool of his own blood.

The real Severus flinched at the sight of such gore.

Hermione conjured up a vial, handed it to Harry, and doused Severus with another. The trio left the Shack and Severus behind, just to be replaced a moment later with Hermione’s form kneeling in his blood and cradling his head in her lap. Madam Pomfrey was administering potions while Hermione was asking what she was doing.

“If he dies, it’s my fault. I should have found you sooner,” Hermione said frantically.

“Miss Granger,” Madam Pomfrey chided. “If he survives, and I believe he will, it will be because of you. Without that Dittany you poured on his wound, he would have bled to death, or the venom would have killed him by now.”

Madam Pomfrey finished up and levitated Severus’ body to a stretcher. They set off to return him to Hogwarts.

Hermione sat in his hospital room as he lay unconscious. Ron paced back and forth.

“Why can’t you just come back to the common room, Hermione?” Ron exclaimed.

“What if he wakes up while I’m gone? He deserves to have someone here when he wakes up after all he’s been through!”

“What if it was me in that bed?” Ron demanded.

“I would do the exact same thing, Ronald,” she cried.

“Why can’t you leave and let someone else watch over him?”

Hermione looked to Ron angrily. “I can’t do that because no one else will watch him!”

“You need to decide who’s more important to you, Hermione… bloody Snape… or me.”

“Get out, Ronald! I’ll talk to you again when you’re rational.” Hermione turned her attention to the unconscious man on the bed.

Ron spun around and left in a huff.

Much later the memory continued. Hermione sat in her chair, fast asleep. She was awakened by dull moans. Her eyes popped open, and she got up. She carefully examined Severus. His eyes fluttered open.

“Thank heavens you’re awake!” she cried. “Can I get you anything?”

Severus narrowed his eyes at her. “Miss Granger, why are you hovering over me like a lost child?”

“You’ve been unconscious, sir, for four days. Do you want me to get Madam Pomfrey?”

“What I want, insufferable girl, is for you to leave now!”

Hermione looked at him with hurt in her eyes. She straightened up and prepared to leave.

“Thank you, Professor, for everything you did for us. We are all indebted to you, and I’m glad you survived.”

Hermione turned and left without a look back, afraid of the contempt she’d see in her Professor’s face.

The scene dissolved, and they were in Dumbledore’s office. Hermione stood in front of his desk, flanked by Severus and Minerva. They all looked at Albus.

“I think her appointment would be a definite benefit to the school,” Minerva said to Albus.

Severus rolled his eyes. He pointed to Hermione with disdain. “She is too young. I know we lost a lot of faculty in the war, but certainly you could find someone with more experience than her!”

“Severus, my boy, you know there is no one more qualified to teach Arithmancy than Miss Granger. Her work, especially this past year since the war ended, has been extraordinary. I believe you weren’t much older than Miss Granger when you came aboard as a teacher.”

“It is a mistake to hire her, Albus.” Severus growled and stalked out of the room.

Albus rolled his eyes and gave Hermione a fatherly look.

“He will get used to the idea, Hermione. He is just embarrassed that you saved his life. He is not used to being indebted to anyone.”

“That’s what this is all about?” Hermione asked incredulously.

“Of course it is,” Minerva mused. “You’ll just have to be stalwart. And don’t let him boss you around.”

Hermione laughed. “Don’t worry, Minerva, I won’t. He’s not as intimidating to me as he used to be.”

They morphed to the Great Hall. Hermione from memory sat down next to Severus.

“Good Evening, Severus, did your classes go well?”

“Mmph,” was all she got from him.

“Well, mine were great,” she gushed, trying to get him to be a part of the conversation.

He looked crossly at her. “Just because you’re a member of the faculty now, Miss Granger, does not give you the right to assume that we are fast friends.”

“Oh, Severus, I would never do that!” she joked.

He looked at her crossly and went back to his food.

“I would, however,” she went on as if nothing was amiss, “like to be friends eventually. That is, if now that you’re not a spy, you can let yourself have friends.”

Severus rose from his seat and stuck his face directly into hers, an evil sneer covering his features. “Of course I can have friends, Miss Granger, but you will never be one of them.”

He turned and stalked off, missing the look of sadness that crossed Hermione’s face before she turned to Minerva and started chatting with her.

Hermione knocked on Severus’ classroom door.

“Enter,” he barked. “I’m in my lab,” he shouted.

“Sorry to bother you, Severus, but...” she stopped in mid sentence as she entered the lab and saw Severus tending five different cauldrons, all steaming with potions.

“What is it, Miss Granger?”

“Please, would you call me Hermione, for Merlin’s sake? I wanted to ask your opinion on something, but I see you’re more than busy.”

She watched him stir furiously, then move to another cauldron and stir furiously again.

“Do you need some help?” she asked him.

He looked up and scowled. “I suppose you could take care of that boil balm in the last cauldron if you’d like. It’s almost finished.”

She went over and looked to see where he had left off in the potion and then got to work.

“Why are you brewing so much at one time?” she asked curiously.

“Not that it’s any of your business, but I am way behind on the stores for the Infirmary, and I have several other things that need my attention.”

“Severus, it’s not a sign of weakness to ask for help, you know. I would be glad to come down here and help you brew.”

“That’s not necessary,” Severus said tersely.

“Of course it’s not,” Hermione snapped. She quickly finished the boil balm and extinguished the fire. She bottled it up and went over to Severus.

“I’ll come by on Wednesdays. That’s my lightest day.”

“Miss Granger, there’s…”

“No buts, Severus. I will be here whether you like it or not.”

He scowled at her as she turned and left the room.

The real Severus turned to Hermione.

“Why were you always so nice to me?”

She shrugged. “You were always a challenge. Like my counterpart, I have always enjoyed a challenge. Also, I was much less insecure after graduating. Your caustic remarks didn’t bother me quite so much.”

Severus glanced at her. She was serious. He wasn’t sure how anyone could have stood to have anything to do with him, he’d been so awful.

The scene changed, and Hermione was helping Severus in the lab. He was eyeing her from his cauldron. He watched her go to the shelf and get a jar, bringing it back to her work station. She chopped some ginger and added it to her mixture. Picking up the stirrer she was about to begin stirring.

“Stir that counter-clockwise,” Severus barked.

Hermione smiled to herself. “Thanks, Severus. I’ve only made this a hundred times, I’m sure I would have forgotten.”

In two strides he was beside her. “If you cannot take my instructions, perhaps you should leave!”

She looked angrily at him. “Would you calm down for heaven’s sake? You’ve got a sense of humor behind that thick crust somewhere. I know it because I’ve seen it. Now lighten up, I was just kidding.”

Severus stiffened and glared at her. Finally he turned and went back to his cauldron.

“I think I had a crush on you,” the real Severus whispered to Hermione.

Her eyes grew wide. “You’ve got to be kidding me,” she said dubiously.

“There’s something in my eyes, and it’s not hatred.”

Hermione doubled over laughing. “You were impossible, Severus Snape, I swear. I would have never guessed you cared one bit for me, given your actions.”

“I hope my better self has an easier time of showing his affections to you,” Severus said as he placed his arm around her shoulder.

She smiled at him. “You, as I have said before, are nothing like him,” she confirmed as she pointed at her memory.

Memory Severus stalked up to Hermione.

“Did you take my carob root?” he demanded angrily.

“No, Severus, I haven’t seen it,” Hermione told him.

“Well, it has disappeared. I suspect that you used it and either didn’t put it back, or finished it.”

Hermione looked at Severus angrily. “I told you, I didn’t take it, nor have I seen it. Perhaps you used it yourself and forget to get more!”

“Don’t lie to me, silly girl! I will know.”

Hermione’s temper exploded. “Then why don’t you just use Legilimency and read my mind, you paranoid prat?”

“How dare you address me like that?”

“How dare you accuse me of stealing?”

“Get out of my sight, you annoying bint.”

Hermione glowered at him. She turned and stormed out of the dungeons.

The scene changed to Hermione walking in the hall. A voice rang out from behind her.

“Professor Granger, may I have a word with you?” Severus asked.

Hermione turned around and looked at him crossly. “Not now, Severus, I’m on my way to class.”

“I wanted to let you know that I was mistaken the other day about the carob root. I found it in my room after our disagreement.”

Hermione looked at Severus triumphantly. “I told you I had nothing to do with its disappearance,” she said and turned and stalked away from him.

“I didn’t even apologize?” Severus asked Hermione.

“Of course not. You never apologized for anything,” Hermione whispered to him.

There were several more memories in the lab as Severus’ iciness slowly went away. He was never friendly, but he began to be more civil towards Hermione. They began to have normal conversations, mostly about the fine art of Potions.

Then they were in Albus’ office, and Hermione was across from Dumbledore, listening intently. There was no sign of Severus.

“I think that if you go back in time to when Lucius was a student, you may be able to influence his feelings of Muggle-borns.”

“Albus, I’m twenty-two years old. How am I going to influence a student?”

“By teaching him, of course. If you could befriend him as a mentor, he may change his attitude.”

“Albus, you’ve gone completely out of your head. Why would he ever consider me to be a mentor?”

“I will leave that in your capable hands. I am hopeful that if he can see how accomplished a witch you are, he will have second thoughts about all that he believes about Muggle-borns.”

“Well, I suppose it’s worth a try.”

“Hermione, I’m not even sure if this will change anything in the present. I know you have been climbing the walls here. I want you to know that you’re appreciated. I know your desire to feel useful. This is definitely the most useful thing you could do. Oh, and while you’re there, maybe you can get Severus to be on our side from the beginning.”

Hermione raised her eyebrows at that.

“I’ll do my best, Headmaster.”

“It’s Albus, you know,” he chastised her.

“Yes, Albus.”

Suddenly, they were back from the Pensieve, standing in Severus’ office together, hand in hand. Hermione looked over at Severus and gave him a half smile. He did not return it. He looked at her solemnly and then walked over to the couch that sat along the wall. He crashed down into it and put his head in his hands. She followed him and rested her hand on his shoulder as she sat down next to him.

“Talk to me,” she urged.

He shook his head, but never lifted it.

“Please?” she urged again.

Severus lifted his head and looked at her. His face was filled with pain. Suddenly, he grabbed Hermione and pulled her to him.

“I’m sorry!” he exclaimed. “I was so horrid to you. No wonder you are jealous of your counterpart. I’m sorry, I’m sorry.”

Hermione wrapped her arms around him.

“Love,” she said calmly, “I put that last memory in there to remind you that you are not that man in my memories. You have no reason to apologize for anything.” She began to tear up as she went on. “You have been nothing but honorable to me. Please, Severus, don’t do this. You’re not that man, and you never will be.”

Severus pushed back and studied her. “How can you not see him when you look at me?”

“Severus, I have always loved looking at you,” Hermione said as she caressed his cheek. “You may look the same, but you are not the same.” She smirked at him. “I see the amazing man I fell in love with when I look at you, Severus, not the mean teacher I had as a kid. Please don’t forget that.”

Severus looked down. “Hermione, I…”

She put a finger to his lips. “Shh. No more of this insecurity, Severus. It’s not flattering.”

“You know I would never treat you like that,” he said finally.

She drew him to her and embraced him. “Of course I do, you silly man.”

Their lips met, and their kiss was sweet. Severus couldn’t believe that after all of his ugliness in her past she had ever come to love him. She was here, nonetheless, and in his arms, finally. There was no denying her affection for him. He thrilled in her closeness.

“Hermione,” he whispered between kisses, “I never stopped loving you.”

“I would have killed you if you did,” she murmured before covering his mouth with hers.

A/N: Next up: Hermione finally visits with Lucius.

Thanks to Lilith Kayden for her beta work.

I think this was a good homage to the lost Hermione. I hope you all felt the same.