Chapter 5

Disclaimer: These characters belong to J. K. Rowling, not me. I just dabble in their lives and twist their fates.

Chapter 5

Severus didn't emerge from the Room of Requirement that night or the next day. He had mulled over everything Hermione had said. How could he have become such a horrible man? Because of him Lily had died. He had destroyed her and then gone on to destroy his own life. He was disgusted with himself. His work for the Order later did not make up for the scumbag he had become soon after graduation. He couldn't picture himself like that now. He wondered what had happened to send him to such an extreme. He wondered if it had been because of Lily and James getting married. That would certainly be disturbing. Would it be disturbing enough for him to ruin his life?

Severus thought back over the last year. He had become obsessed with Lily, more so than when they had been friends. He had blamed himself for ruining their friendship. Secretly, he had followed her around, hoping that she would see him and perhaps smile at him, but even when she had seen him, she never smiled.

Right now, though, it seemed that he didn't obsess after her quite as much. It didn't hurt him quite so much to think about her with Potter. Knowing that Potter and she would be together in the future didn't sting quite as badly as he knew it would have several months previously. Perhaps he had the fortitude to not repeat the same mistakes again.

Then there was his nasty disposition. He knew he wasn't the nicest person on the Earth, but he certainly didn't consider himself frightening. He vowed not to be so nasty in the future. But could he really change? Was he destined to be that awful person Hermione had described? There had to be a way to become better, to not fall into the same traps that his future self had fallen into. Obviously, not taking the Mark was the first step in that process. But if he didn't take the Mark, he would never have the power he desired. For so long he dreamed of the abilities he would gain with taking that Mark. The knowledge of Dark Magic that could give him an edge against almost anybody would almost make up for the negative things he would have to do. But in reality would it?

He had debated getting branded for a while now, going back and forth between thinking it was a good idea and that it was the worst idea he had ever had. He had weighed both sides of the decision. He really wanted the power that the Mark would bring, but was he a murderer, for that was what he would become if he took that Mark. Whenever he thought about it before, the idea of killing others had been quite abstract. But when Hermione described what he had done, he could actually picture himself doing those horrid things. He saw himself torturing Muggles, eventually sending the killing curse and watching as their bodies flew into a lifeless heap. Those deaths hadn't seemed so abstract then. He felt incredibly remorseful for things that hadn't even occurred yet.

Trying to snap out of the funk he had settled into, he concentrated on something else. The only good thing he had learned about his future was that he would teach at Hogwarts. The prospect of that actually excited him and gave him something positive to concentrate on. He loved Potions and was eager to become a master and impart his knowledge to others. He could be a better teacher in this future than he had been before. He wouldn't be so overbearing that students would run away from him in the halls.

He sat silently for a while, just staring into space. He had done so much agonizing that he was exhausted. How had his life become so difficult? He was just a student who shouldn't be worrying about death and evil, but here he was, surrounded by it because of his choices. He had been foolish to become friends with the Slytherin Death Eater wannabes. They had slowly filled his head with lies that seemed incredibly attractive, but in the long run, they would ultimately bring misery. The power he sought from becoming a Death Eater would eventually be the thing that would ruin his life. He marveled at how something that seemed to be a perfect answer for him could turn into such a negative thing so quickly. He once again grieved about his future fall to Voldemort, still unable to get over how horrid he would become.

Hermione said he shut everyone out. He did that now too, but it was mostly because no one liked him. He had hoped that after he was finished with school he could find some people who respected his knowledge and saw him as more than a nerd, but that didn't seem to happen in the future. It seemed that he had taken his distancing to the extreme, not trusting anyone. Perhaps it had to do with being a spy. He imagined it would be difficult to be open with anyone when so much had to be hidden. It would take some effort to open himself up; he was not the type to be outgoing or to be friendly to people he didn't feel incredibly secure with. It would definitely be a challenge, but now that he had been warned of the possible negative outcome, he had a great incentive to try and push himself into being more outgoing and positive about life.

He spent the rest of the night berating himself; thinking about all of the negatives that would come in his future, trying to decide what to do to make himself a better person, debating whether he could ever change at all. Finally in the wee hours of the morning, he had drifted off to sleep, but his rest was short lived. He spent most of the next day mulling over his awful future, wondering if he could truly escape it.

oooOOOooo

Hermione had noticed Severus wasn't at meals, but she didn't have him in class that day, so she was unaware that he had skipped classes too. She went to the Room of Requirement and was surprised to see that the door was firmly in place. Severus must have arrived ahead of her and gone in to wait. She entered and took one look at Severus and knew he had not left last night. His hair was messy, and it looked like his robes had been slept upon. She wasn't sure that Severus had actually gotten any sleep though, because his eyes were rimmed with dark circles.

"Oh no," she said under her breath.

Severus didn't move. He sat stonily staring at the floor. Hermione went up to him and squatted before him, placing her hands on his knees. She bent low so she could look tentatively into his face.

"You alright?" she asked.

He frowned at her, but said nothing.

"Are you hungry? I could summon a house-elf."

He continued to stare at her but said nothing.

"Would you rather I just left?" she asked finally.

He said nothing.

"I'll see you tomorrow then," she said simply and rose to leave.

"Wait."

She turned to him again. When he didn't continue, she sat down next to him and gently pulled him over to her. He scooted back farther and lay down, resting his head in her lap. She ran her fingers through his hair and sat with him in silence. It wasn't very long before his breathing became regular and she knew he had fallen asleep.

It hurt to see him like this, but she hoped that the outcome would result in a happier Severus in the future. Of course, he could still decide to get the Mark. Hermione's insides tightened at the thought. Granted, she knew what that outcome would be. At least he would be alive in the end. But she so hoped he could have more than that.

Perhaps he could even have a life that would be considered normal. Maybe he could even have friends. She had been a bit surprised with herself for becoming so close to him so quickly. He really was more open in his younger form than he was as she had known him in the future. She chuckled to herself, not even being able to fathom the older Severus resting his head in her lap and falling asleep. She stifled a giggle so she wouldn't wake him; she knew he needed the rest.

She was grateful that he had opened up to her like he had. She had been interacting with his older self for years now, and they still had yet to achieve this level of friendship between the two of them. She didn't even think the future Severus trusted her with mundane thoughts, let alone his deepest fears. Maybe when she returned to the future, they could have a closer friendship. She knew she would like that, she had always wanted to be closer to Severus. He was an incredibly fascinating man, but he was reluctant to let anyone near him, even people he spent time with. She hoped that would now change.

She let him sleep on for a couple of hours, trying not to move or disturb him. Her mind was filled with possibilities and worries for the future while she cradled his head in her lap, absently pulling her fingers through his hair. Glancing at her watch after a long time, she realized it was nearing curfew. Gently she shook him awake.

"Severus, Severus, wake up."

"Huh?" he said groggily.

"You need to go back to your dorm now. It's almost curfew," she told him.

Severus pushed himself up and shook his head to clear it. Realizing where he had fallen asleep, he looked over at her in embarrassment.

"Sorry," he murmured, looking sheepish.

"Don't worry about it," she told him as he straightened himself up.

He looked at her again, this time solemnly. "I won't do it, Hermione. I won't take the Mark. I won't ruin those lives. I won't do it."

Hermione sighed in relief. She once again had hope for the future. She pulled Severus to her and hugged him tightly.

"I'm glad Severus. I know that seems rather trite, but I am."

She pulled back and gave him a quick smile.

"Thank you, Hermione, for being truthful with me. You saved my life, and it would seem that it hasn't been the first time."

She gave him a half smile. "Aw, that was nothing," she tried to make light of it.

They rose and made their way to the exit.

"Nonetheless, I won't forget it, not either time."

Hermione blushed and pushed the door open. They walked in silence until she came to the hall where her room was. She smiled at him and said good night. He murmured a good night back to her, and they separated for the night.

A/N: Next up: Another friendly duel.

Thanks for the reviews everyone. Please keep it up. It helps me to make the story better. There was lots of cerebral stuff in this chapter. We'll lighten up a bit now that Severus has made his choice.