Part 2 - Chapter 4 - Hermione, the Child

A/N: Thanks to my beta, MadBrilliant and to all who continue to review! I also would like to thank Sempra for all her hard work making this chapter readable! Thank you!

***

He had maintained his distance from Hermione after that, but kept her in his sights as much as he could. His life consisted of being summoned to the Dark Lord and trying to keep things under control as the Ministry ravaged the school to ferret out any and all information about secret meetings of Dumbledore's Army. It had galled him to no end that the Defense against the Dark Arts class taught by that damn Umbridge woman had been reduced to a joke.

That previous summer, being at Black's family home for Order Meetings had been pure hell! Hermione had lived there helping out Mrs. Weasley and her brood in cleaning the dilapidated house. He had at times run into her, and a sneer had been all it had taken for her to get out of his way. He had refused to spend one second longer than necessary there. He had never stayed for dinner, nor had he loitered around to exchange pleasantries.

Lucius' words haunted him. She did remind him so much of both Claudia and Lily that it had physically pained him to be in the same room with her. Especially when he had realized that she would be turning sixteen shortly. He had looked at her sometimes while she bickered with the Boy Wonder and his side-kick and had allowed himself to gaze on her womanly features that were starting to blossom. God, was Claudia that young when I first took her? And he had remembered he had turned eighteen exactly one month before her sixteenth birthday, which had been February 9th. It had been May when he asserted his rights to take her body since she had been his 'Wife in Waiting'.

Yet, Claudia had been so weak when compared to Hermione. Hermione was fierce and bossy. She openly questioned authority, where Claudia had just obeyed but resisted in a very passive-aggressive manner since it was "her duty". Snape had almost belted out a laugh when he'd heard from Minerva on the quiet that Hermione was staging her own fight against Umbridge by sitting at her desk for entire class periods doing nothing but sitting there in defiance. She wouldn't even crack a book!

Looking at Hermione had made him hate himself even more. He never should have made Claudia have sex with him so young. And to have had her first time on a coat in the outdoors, no wonder she had cried clutching him to her, hiding her face in shame. She had said, "yes" when he had asked, and she had never fought him. For a long time, she had not wanted him, and he was now old enough to realize that she had only given her consent because she had no other choice. He felt he had raped her. Why would she have wanted him anyway? He had treated her body with little regard. He was never physically rough with her, but he had been just so detached from her! Claudia had known Lily was the one he had truly wanted. So seeing Hermione pricked his conscience. He had done Claudia wrong...

***

So when he had heard from Aberforth about a meeting held at the Hog's Head one Hogsmeade weekend and he had described a very bossy, bushy-haired girl in charge of the proceedings, inside, Severus had smiled. Why am I not surprised? He envisioned her in the clandestine meetings with Potter and the others working to defend themselves. He had very low expectations of the others, but she...she was the brightest and most brilliant student he had ever taught. He watched her from afar, noting that she was growing and changing even more. She was becoming a lovely young woman, more in control of herself, and held a determination that he found intriguing. Sometimes he wondered, if he and the Dark Lord had not manipulated Claudia's life and forced her life into the mold they had wanted, how would she have grown and developed? She had been extremely smart, so very focused on her schoolwork and had been an excellent student. Now that he was older, looking back on the times when she had tried to help him brew his potions, he realized her ideas had been actually quite brilliant. But he had been so young and prideful, he could not appreciate what he'd had in front of him.

Snape also noticed that Hermione was no longer so eager to please, nor would she always try to answer every question in class. She still was attentive to his lectures, so that hadn't changed. She still tried to help Longbottom, but she was definitely sneakier about it. He swore he only caught her half the time. He was surprised at how much her disinterest in proving herself to him bothered him. Each time she made a potion, it was flawless. She is so much like Lily. He wished with everything in him that he could praise her and give her the credit due her, but that would be a death sentence, and he still had miles to go...

He was forced to now see her as a young woman growing up and changing. Soon, before he knew it, she would be gone forever, making her mark on the world. It was difficult to look at her and not compare her both to Lily and Claudia. What women they might have been if he had not interfered in their lives and destroyed them! He vowed to never do that to Hermione. She would succeed by keeping away from him. That was the best he could hope for.

One day, after he had neglected yet again to praise her for a perfect potion, he cast a Disillusionment Charm upon himself and followed the trio from the dungeons to the Great Hall. He was saddened to the very depths of his wretched soul when he heard the conversation that took place.

"I did think he'd be better this year. I mean... you know... Now he's in the Order and everything," Hermione said in a disappointed voice.

"Poisonous toadstools don't change their spots," said Ron eagerly. "Anyway, I always thought that Dumbledore was cracked for trusting Snape, where's the evidence he ever stopped working for You-Know-Who?"

"I think Dumbledore's probably got plenty of evidence, even if he doesn't share it with you, Ron!" she snapped.

He hated that he caused her hopes to be dashed, but he couldn't risk it. She deserved so much better, damn it! And every week, he had to hurt her over and over again! One day, I swear, I shall tell her how truly brilliant she is!

He had known by observing and listening in on their conversations that Hermione constantly defended him to Potter. She had urged him to continue to work on his Occlumency training. One conversation had showed him how passionate she was about protecting his reputation. Weasley had said perhaps Snape was weakening Potter's mind "on purpose" and he was trying to thwart Dumbledore's plan instead of help. Hermione had stared at him along with Potter in disbelief, and then Weasley had taken his accusation one step further: that perhaps Snape was actually trying to open up Potter's mind to the Dark Lord even more. Hermione snapped.

"Shut up, Ron! How many times have you suspected Snape, and when have you ever been right? Dumbledore trusts him, he works for the Order, that ought to be good enough."

"He used to be a Death Eater," Ron said stubbornly. "And we've never seen proof that he really swapped sides..."

"Dumbledore trusts him. She had said firmly. And if we can't trust Dumbledore, we can't trust anyone."

Snape had wanted to laugh at her Gryffindor bravery and blind faith in Albus, but he had been moved beyond words by the tenacity and fierce hold Hermione had on her principles. She was not a person easily swayed. She was becoming more and more alluring as the weeks went by...

***

Lucius sent an owl to Severus, asking him for a secret meeting at Hogwarts. When he arrived, he was visibly upset.

Snape poured him a drink and the two friends sat down to talk.

"Lucius," Snape said gravely. "What has occurred with the Dark Lord?"

"Misinformation, bloody Rockwood, Avery..."

Severus turned deathly pale. "What of Avery?"

"Such a waste of valuable time. Avery was a fool! I placed the Imperius on Bode, and Avery assured him and us that Bode would be able to retrieve the Prophecy! Of course, it failed! The Dark Lord is furious! Months of planning wasted. We are now no better off that when we first started. Damn Rockwood dared to claim Bode had been able to throw off MY Imperius Curse because Bode knew Avery's information was wrong. Rockwood! That man served Avery on a silver platter to the Dark Lord! That information from Rockwood gave the Dark Lord enough reason to believe that Avery had disappointed him. I fear for him, Severus," he said warily.

"What did the Dark Lord do to Avery?" Severus asked, a part of him not wanting to know the answer.

"The Dark Lord's wrath was severe, and Avery was tortured 'appropriately,'" Lucius concluded sarcastically. "Oh, Severus, sometimes I am so very weary!"

Snape had been furious when he later learnt that Potter had dreamt of the event. He had been even more incensed that Potter had seemed to know many of the details involved.

He was growing terrified that the gap between Potter and the Dark Lord was closing in fast. If that little prick didn't start applying himself, the Dark Lord would easily be able to supplant all of the Order's plans by manipulating the weak boy to his twisted will.

He was furious, so furious that it spilled over, not for the first time, into Potter's Potions grade. Their next Occlumency lesson had been a complete debacle; the boy had been too drawn into discovering what was in the Department of Mysteries. He had been so obtuse he hadn't even realize the Dark Lord had been planting false memories mixed with real ones in order to get him to do his bidding! He still watched over him and Hermione, grateful for her insistence that Potter practice and work on his Occlumency, but it seemed to all be falling on deaf ears.

Then came the terrible day when Potter had looked into his Pensieve and had seen his memory of calling Lily a Mudblood. He had promptly ended his meetings with him and had refused to teach him Occlumency anymore.

The damn fool boy was hell-bent on carrying on, not thinking, not considering the consequences of his actions. He hated that Potter treated Hermione's instincts so shabbily. He was just like his father! James Potter had never appreciated the talent and power Lily had as a witch. As soon as he had married her, he had foolishly got her pregnant...in the middle of a damn war! If Lily had accepted him, he would have disciplined her powers and would have assisted her in every way possible to reach her full potential! Now, Potter ignored the cleverest witch he would ever know, just so he could play the goddamn hero! This was all going to end badly...he could feel it. And he was powerless to stop it.

Finally, the dreaded night came that had changed everything forever: Potter and his group called "Dumbledore's Army" had gone to the Department of Mysteries based on a false vision the idiot had of his damn godfather being tortured by the Dark Lord at the Ministry of Magic! Snape had gone to Grimmauld Place and had found Black there, safe and sound. He had appraised him of the situation and had asked him to stay there so someone would be available at headquarters when Dumbledore arrived. But the damn fool, like his damn best friend and cursed son, had run off to the Ministry of Magic and had gotten himself killed. He had been beside himself when he had heard Hermione had been involved, but had been relieved she was going to be fine. Of course she will be fine! he had thought. Clever girl can hold her own, but that damn Gryffindor in her...could have gotten herself killed!

He had known that Mulciber and Avery had been there along with Malfoy! It had been very painful to think about his old friends. They had been together for such a short period of time. He had heartily embraced Mulciber when he had returned to Malfoy Manor after the escape. He had realized he hated the man he had become, along with Malfoy and Avery, but they had held that common bond of boyhood friendship. Not to mention, they had been there when Claudia had died and could share in the pain and guilt that he still felt over her death. Inwardly, he had hated the ambivalence he felt towards them all. He had wished things could have been different, but before he could get too caught up in maudlin nostalgia, the Ministry had been attacked and Malfoy, Avery, and Mulciber had been sent to Azkaban. One of them could have easily killed Hermione! It had been a terrible summer that had set the Dark Lord's plans back so far, each Death Eater had feared for their life.

The Dark Lord had decided upon a very cruel punishment. Lucius had failed him for the final time, so he had forced young Draco to take the Dark Mark and had proceeded to order him to either kill Dumbledore or face death himself. Snape had felt everything was spiraling out of control. The Dark Lord had been losing his confidence in everyone around him and becoming increasingly insane as the days and weeks had passed. Then the Dark Lord had ordered him to keep that rat bastard Pettigrew in his home for the summer. His state of mind had been taunt and painfully stretched to such a degree of desperation that he had just wanted it all to end. He had just wanted it all to be over...

***

"Why? Why did you have to put on that ring?" he yelled at the Headmaster.

"I couldn't resist, Severus. I know it was foolish, but I just couldn't resist. I...was a fool... sorely tempted."

Snape's lips were drawn into a thin line. "Tempted by what?" he prodded.

Dumbledore remained silent.

"If only you had contacted me sooner, I could have given you more time. The damage is too severe, Albus. A year, maybe," he said grimly.

"Well, I had best get things in order, hadn't I?" he said calmly.

Another life I can't save, Severus thought angrily.

Albus leaned over to look into Snape's downcast eyes. "Severus, there seems to be something more that you are carrying inside you. I wish you would open up and let yourself be free of it."

Snape's eyes glazed over in remembering. "A friend asked me once how long would I remain in purgatory." He chuckled. "There is something about my life before I came to you, Albus, that hurts so deeply that I fear I shall never be free from how it haunts me. It has a life of its own now..."

"Severus, you are going to have to kill me..."

***

It was becoming a hellish year, a terrible year that was bringing so much to a head. The past, present, and future melded together as Snape tried desperately to salvage something of value, but as the days passed and saw the Headmaster deteriorating, all semblance of hope faded fast. The only bright spot was the development of Hermione's powers. She was going to become a formidable witch one day. Watching her work in his Defense Against the Dark Arts class was a joy to behold. As she wielded her power, he could see Lily, clear as day. But he knew it was her weakest subject, and her determination to excel and conquer the difficulties the subject gave her never ceased to impress him. She was by far the brightest pupil in his class, but he could not show his approval. Time and again, she reminded him of brandy-colored eyes and wild hair with its waves and curls, working hard to understand the subtle art of potion making. And once in a while, warmth in his belly would creep up and spread itself inside him when he caught a glimpse of her. There was no rhyme or reason to it. She could be casting non-verbal spells, sitting in the library studying, or walking with determination across the quad. It was a new feeling that he had not felt in such a very long time.

Snape wondered from time to time if she ever realized how much he regarded her. But his disdain for her in his class and her irritating bookish ways that constantly forced him to see Claudia again and again in his mind assaulted his conscience each time he verbally thrashed her. Each time she would heartily spout off answers that were verbatim from the textbook, he would show her no quarter, and for that, he heartily wanted to go up to her and shake her by the shoulders and scream at her to stop torturing him! But the truth was that it wasn't her fault she was so much like Claudia.

He wished with all his heart he could tell her how amazing she was and how brilliant and powerful she could be if she stopped leaning so much on her blasted books! Perhaps, though, it was better this way. Keeping his distance from her was only reaping wonderful results. That must be his punishment in this purgatory. He was not to be trusted with beautiful minds and hearts. He would only crush them in the end.

He argued with the Headmaster constantly. He resented the lack of information he gave him. Narcissa was not well. Draco looked even worse. He desperately missed Lucius. He knew Draco had been at the breaking point. Draco was not cut out to comply with all the Dark Lord's wishes. He wished whole-heartedly that he could get them all to defect and work as he did for the Order. But such things might have well been a pipe dream for all it was worth. Looking at his godson, Draco, he finally accepted there was no way he would be able to carry out the Dark Lord's wishes to execute Dumbledore! Every time he caught Narcissa's eye on him, he knew she was pulling on him to remember what he had vowed, what he had promised. As if he could ever forget!

***

During one meeting, he sat across from Bellatrix. She knew...as most of the older Death Eaters did...about Claudia. She looked at him as if he were filth under her boot. He knew what she thought of him. He was a weak man who had led a pure-blood to her death because of his lust for a Mudblood. She also did not trust him one iota. She thought him pathetic. Perhaps she is right, he thought. After all, what am I able to do anymore? People are still dying, Potter and Dumbledore are constantly off God knows where, doing God knows what! All I'm fit for is chasing after Draco and waiting for the moment I have to kill my friend!

He tried to slip away quickly after the meeting, but was halted by Bellatrix.

"I don't want you to think for one second that I buy your 'obedient servant' act," she hissed at him.

He put a look of indifference on his face and replied in a bored voice, "Whatever are you on about, Bellatrix?"

She looked at him with pure venom. "I almost wish you wouldn't kill that old codger. Just so we can be rid of you. You are nothing but a disgrace to every pure-blood in this room. But why should I be shocked? You're nothing but a filthy half-blood anyway! Is that what led you to hand over that sweet girl to her death?" she whispered, taunting him with her knowledge of his most private wounds.

"You sacrificed a pure-blood because you couldn't get that filthy Mudblood off your mind. You should be ripped from stem to stern and fed to Nagini, you disgusting bat!" she seethed.

He forced a twisted smile on his face. "Always a pleasure, Bella," he replied smoothly as he Disapparated from the manor.

He Apparated back to the castle and met up with Dumbledore. Again, they argued about Potter.

"You trust him... you do not trust me!"

"It is not a question of trust. I have, as we both know, limited time. It is essential that I give the boy enough information for him to do what he needs to do."

They continued to argue as they walked back to the castle. They sat in Dumbledore's office, and they discussed their plan in more detail. Snape did not want to kill the Headmaster. Albus was the only friend that he could talk to.

Then Albus asked him a question that shook him to his core.

"How many men and women have you watched die?"

"Lately, only those I could not save," he said bitterly. He stood up and turned his back to Albus. It wasn't a lie. He had grown to become efficient in his mode of execution. He chose his battles carefully. He did not want another Lily or Claudia on his hands. Yet, that was what he was being forced to do again! He didn't want to be responsible for another death when he could back away from it. He just did not understand why Draco's soul should be more important than his own! Now Albus was talking about bringing Potter into the slaughter! It was too much!

"You have used me," he said angrily.

"Meaning?"

"I have spied for you and lied for you, put myself into mortal danger for you. Everything was supposed to be to keep Lily Potter's son safe. Now, you tell me you have been raising him like a pig for slaughter...?"

They continued to argue, and in a fit of pique, he conjured his Patronus to prove his love and fidelity to Lily. Yes, he still loved her and to his everlasting shame he always would. And for that, he would burn in hell even after this life in purgatory. He would never be cleansed of the sin he had committed against Claudia.

A/N: Portions in this chapter are taken directly from J.K. Rowling's "Order of the Phoenix" and "The Half-Blood Prince". Thanks to Ms. Rowling for her wonderful, creative work!