Eight

A/N: Standard disclaimer applies. Thanks to JaneAverage, charmed310 and snapeophile for all their work on this fic. Any mistakes are mine.

~~~

Severus had initially brought the Wolfsbane to coerce Remus into returning to England. He knew that to be without it was tantamount to insanity, and before his own name had been cleared by the Wizengamot and the Ministry, he'd been brewing the potion for Bill and the others. His prowess as a Potions master had been proved time and time again in his servitude to the Dark Lord but this... this was different.

No more darkness. The Ministry had seen to it that he was given everything he required to brew and bottle the Wolfsbane and also paid him handsomely for his efforts. He had made a few modifications to the formula, and only one dose was required in order to be effective. After intensive research, he had also managed to incorporate a Stasis Charm within the potion that would enable it to have a longer shelf-life than previous versions. That allowed him to make larger batches that would last six months and still allow him enough time for his research. It had also enabled him to carry the bottles of Wolfsbane with him on his quest to find Lupin.

~~~

'Take this, Lupin.'

'Severus, don't.'

'I will not beg.'

'Then tell me why. What is this about?'

'It's something I need to... do, Lupin. Something I need to see.'

In all their lives together, as students and later as professors and then lovers, Severus had never been with Lupin when he transformed. The only time Severus had actually seen the werewolf was that fateful night when they were teenagers at Hogwarts, and Black had sent him down to the Shrieking Shack. There was no Wolfsbane back then, and the werewolf had almost killed Severus, and would have, had it not been for Potter's quick intervention.

Truth be told, that encounter had left Severus scarred for life in ways much worse than any of the physical scars that marred his body. He had feared for his young life in a very tangible and visceral way as he stood, transfixed and staring into the eyes of the animal bearing down on him, and had known both that he was going to die and that he desperately wanted to live. The absolute fear and inexplicable horror that he had felt that day had only been made worse when he was rescued by Potter. Severus hated that his fear had led to the weakness he had shown, if only to himself, and had vowed never to let himself be weak again.

~~~

Remus looked into the dark eyes of the man he had known most of his life and wondered at yet another facet that he'd only just discovered. Severus hated weakness, both in himself and in others, but that was common knowledge. Remus surmised that Severus was trying to exorcise his own demons, one of which was the werewolf, and as he felt the inevitability of the lunar pull within his body, he knew without needing to consult a calendar that tonight was full. He always felt twitchy in the days leading up to the full moon, and their activities over the past twenty-four hours hadn't distracted him enough. He felt the moon's rise in every cell of his body and looked again at the bottle of Wolfsbane on the table where Severus had left it, sitting between them like a bargaining chip.

Perhaps it was.

Remus' transformations were never pretty – he knew that without having to be told. Every month when his bones lengthened and his skin ripped painfully, the torment had been the same. A part of him was thankful for the peaceful oblivion that his own concoctions provided when he would simply go to sleep and wake up after it was all over, but there was always the danger of taking too much or too late. He could hardly remember what it felt like with Wolfsbane in his blood, but a cruel side effect of the potion was that by enabling him to retain his human consciousness during his transformations, he also knew exactly what was happening and was cognisant of every rip and tear as his body mutated. That was his old life, and now Severus was asking him to relive those horrors again and bare his soul as he transformed. Despite how intimate they had been in the past, he still doubted whether he could give Severus what he wanted.

~~~

Severus sat back in his chair and waited as Lupin stared warily at the bottle of brown liquid on the table. He had set it there purposely so that it would be in sight at all times and in the forefront of both their minds because the Wolfsbane represented the cornerstone of their future. Tonight was less about Lupin's taking of the potion and more about Severus being there to deal with the results. Severus wanted this man in his life, no longer willing to hide that fact or to live a double life. He wanted Lupin to be as upfront with him as he'd tried to be, and having bared his own soul to the man, he only hoped that Lupin would in turn bare himself. Lupin's nervousness was painfully obvious despite the man's attempts to conceal it, and Severus knew that it was due to his presence as well as the pull of the moon. He had brought enough Wolfsbane for this month's transformation, but he was prepared to brew a lifetime's supply if that was what it took to gain Lupin's trust once more.

'What do you need to see, Severus?'

'I need to see you, all of you, every part of you, Lupin.'

'You have seen me.' Lupin's voice was hushed, but they both knew that so much more was intimated in that simple statement. Severus kept his voice even and his tone carefully meted.

'I... want to see the... animal as well as the man. They are the two halves of you, Lupin, and I want to know you as a whole.'

~~~

Remus' gut wrenched and he felt sick – physically ill – and he leaned against the counter for support. Surely Severus could not want to see him as the basest of all creatures, as the loathsome and hated werewolf, as the beast? How could that in any way make things better, and how could Severus presume to then 'know the whole'? Remus felt his heartbeat quicken as his anxiety stirred the power within him, and he looked through the open window onto the rocks of the canyon, reflecting the deep russet hues of the setting sun.

In a few hours Severus will need to get away, he thought, almost desperately. He'll need to find somewhere safe, somewhere that I can't hurt him. Fear rose in him, and he felt the fine beads of sweat on his forehead as his heart thudded loudly in his chest. 'Severus, I...I just can't. Please, don't ask me to do this.'

The tall man rose from the chair and walked over to where Remus stood and grasped his shoulders comfortingly as he kissed him on the lips, softly, quickly, sighing deeply as he closed his eyes and brought his forehead to rest on Remus' left shoulder.

'It's all right, Lupin, forget it,' came the muffled reply.

But Remus couldn't forget it. He glanced at the reddened rocks outside and felt the stirring of the ancients within his own magic. Instinctively, he realized that, for whatever reason, Severus needed this, and his Gryffindor courage bolstered him. He placed his hand on the bowed head and whispered into his ear. 'No, Severus, wait. I...I'll ... I'll try. I'll take the Wolfsbane.'

He felt the tension in Severus' body at his words and hoped that he'd done the right thing. If Severus wanted it, surely he was man enough to give him what he needed?

'Lupin...'

'Severus, I'll do it.'

'Only if you're certain...'

'I'm not certain of anything, but I'll do what you ask of me.'

Severus' silence spoke more to Remus than any words ever could, and in one swift movement he picked up the bottle of Wolfsbane and downed it in one gulp.

Disgusting, as always.

~~~

Severus shuddered as Lupin upended the potion, swallowing the entire thing quickly and grimaced at the taste. Merlin, what have I done? Do I really want to go through this? he asked himself as his heart pounded in his chest, all the while knowing that, yes, he did want to, because he completely and unequivocally loved the man. In order to face all his fears, and in particular, Lupin's transformation, he had to see it and understand all that it entailed before he would be able to truly commit to a relationship with both wizard and wolf. Severus sensed tension and anxiety, although whether it came from him or from Lupin he couldn't be sure, but he concentrated on breathing through his nose, keeping it slow and steady, partly to reassure himself and partly to maintain his outer calm. It wouldn't do to have Lupin realize just how unsettling the memories of the werewolf were, how much they had shaped Severus' life since that incident, and how many emotions were tied together by that one night.

Fear – the most obvious one. He had been terrified, of that there was no doubt. Loss of life was of secondary importance and much more preferable to survival. He had feared the werewolf's bite even as he imagined the sharp teeth sinking into his flesh, the breath hot and angry as tainted blood flowed through his veins, turning him into an even more hated thing. Bad enough that he was misunderstood and reviled by his classmates who thought he knew too much of the Dark Arts, but to become a Dark Creature...

Anger – he was furious with Potter, not for saving his wretched life, but for inflicting a life debt between them, bound by magic and unbreakable. He had cursed Black and Potter and, damn him, Lupin, for years, convinced that it was an elaborate prank, convinced that the werewolf had been at the forefront of the plan and that their only goal was to destroy him. Potter had been angry with Black and it had stretched for days, but the cur managed to whine his way back into Saint Potter's good graces. Lupin had been thin and pale, his face pinched and worried, but Severus had barely cared, although he had tried not to take notice of the fact that Lupin and Black seemed at an impasse for several weeks. No, he had tried not to notice that.

Shame – that came later, years later, after he had thrown hateful words at Lupin, and instead of retaliation, Lupin had let him look into his mind and let Severus see proof of his innocence. If possible, Severus' hatred of Potter and Black had intensified then, but the shame still burned within him, quashed and relegated to a dark and private corner of his mind, buried, but still there.

~~~

Predictably, the change happened slowly at first, but that didn't stop the anxiety and lifelong dread that Remus felt. Even now, he could feel his body's agitation as the moon got ready to rise above the horizon. The animal prowled within him, sniffing and scratching to be released, and Remus couldn't sit still. The power was too great, the feelings too intense. He paced the room like a caged thing, grunting and breathing through his mouth as his eyesight began to change. Severus sat in a chair in a corner of the room and looked at him warily, and Remus' increasing animal senses detected the waves of fear emanating from the former Death Eater.

The first wave of pain wracked his body, and he groaned. The pain intensified, more acute this time as his bones began to stretch and lengthen, his muscles tightened and his jaw cracked and changed. His breath came in pants now, and he could barely look into Severus' eyes, could barely stand to see the horror and revulsion that was sure to be there. Remus howled as his spine morphed and then realigned and his hips locked into their lupine position. He struggled to his feet and shook himself, looking around warily for signs of Severus. Even with his altered eyesight, Moony could see that his mate now sat on the couch. He could smell the fear on Severus as he stalked towards the man, the cloying musky scent of it from his armpits and his genitals, but he could also smell the familiar scent of the man.

His man. His mate.

~~~

Severus remained motionless as the animal sniffed him. The fear he remembered had returned with almost full force, and it was all he could do not to run, but he had vowed to face his fears, to put the past behind him and, above all, to trust the man inside the wolf.

The wolf circled him again, sniffing, and Severus jumped when he felt a wet, rough tongue on his hand. Lupin (it was impossible to think of him as Moony) growled, a low rumble deep in his throat, and Severus froze as the wolf took his hand into its mouth and walked backwards, pulling ever so slightly with his teeth. He moved slowly out of his seat, following the wolf's lead as the animal sat in front of the fireplace, forcing him to crouch lower, and as the wolf stretched out on the ground, Severus was forced to sit beside him.

Severus' stomach lurched as the wolf rose again, and he watched Lupin warily as the wolf once more started pacing around. Finally, the animal stopped in front of Severus and looked him in the eyes. He was disconcerted at first to be under such careful and steady scrutiny but then noticed that the wolf had the same flecks of gold in its eyes that Lupin did. Then again, why wouldn't it? They were one and the same, this wolf and the man.

He looked more closely at the animal and recalled the folklore he'd read about such creatures. Lupin looked like a wolf, but slightly bigger, and the only difference was the slightly longer canine teeth and the eyes. Severus still felt nauseous, but he knew that the adrenaline pumping through his bloodstream was the cause. It occurred to him, rather ridiculously, that this was the first time in all his years as a Potions master that he would actually be there to test the Wolfsbane.

~~~

Oh, gods, do you see? Do you see what I become?

Remus' thoughts echoed in his own head, but he knew that Severus could no more hear him than he could speak Mermish. He had been afraid of this transformation, not for the pain which was always terrible and would always pass, but for how Severus would see him. Inevitably, after tonight, Severus wouldn't be able to turn away from the truth of Remus' disease, and the werewolf was unclear in his own mind just how he would handle the expected result.

Severus would leave.

It was inevitable.

He would try to make excuses, of course, and say that their lives were just so different now, but Remus knew that the underlying reason would always be that the animal living inside him was untameable and impossible to remove, and no one but he could live with that. Still, he loved Severus and had admitted it, not only to himself, but to the Hopi Indians and the magic forces of the canyon. It had taken far greater strength than Remus knew he possessed for him to do that, to pull Severus back from the brink of death, but his instincts had taken over, and his heart had done what it had to do. The spirits had understood. Perhaps Severus felt that he had to reciprocate, to make some sort of grand gesture. Standing unarmed during a werewolf's transformation at the full of the moon was about as grand a gesture as anyone could make.

The wolf's eyes looked over the man, and Remus longed to touch him, to taste him with his heightened senses that already basked in the scent of him. He moved closer and licked Severus' hand and oh! the taste of his skin exploded in the wolf's mind. Mine! Remus growled and scented fear again – he took Severus' hand in his mouth and led him gently to the ground. The animal instinct of the wolf wanted to be near his mate, to lie with him, curled inside his warmth, even if only for one more night. He circled the impromptu sleeping area and then, satisfied, returned to staring at Severus. The smell of fear was almost gone, but Remus could still see the stiff way that his mate sat, and he nuzzled Severus' legs, torso and neck, making soft, gentle sounds as he slowly and carefully licked the pale, salty skin there. He felt the shudders as Severus responded, but whether in fear or something else, Remus did not know.

After many minutes, gently, ever so softly he felt Severus' shaking hand in his coat. As his mate stroked his head and neck, Remus was in bliss and licked harder, at first nudging Severus' shirt apart where it opened at the neck, then biting and tearing the fabric when it didn't afford him enough touch.

Touch.

So important to animals, so important to lovers, and they were both.

Remus pricked up his ears as Severus chuckled, the low sound reverberating in his chest as he removed his shirt and the rest of his clothes. He waited as the man conjured a thin mattress, cast a Cushioning Charm for good measure and spread out his ripped shirt beneath him, then stretched out on the makeshift bed. After a moment's thought, he Summoned the blanket from the couch and spread it over him. The wolf once more encircled their nest and found it acceptable, and then he grabbed hold of the blanket with his teeth and stepped back, removing the covering and exposing the bare flesh. He saw his mate shiver, perhaps from the cold, perhaps from fear, and he proceeded to steadfastly clean his mate properly, his tongue laving and tasting every inch of him and committing his scent to memory. Severus squirmed a bit initially but eventually succumbed to Remus' attentions, and when the wolf was finished, he lay down against Severus' side and placed his head on the scarred chest. He wished that, just once, the man would use Legilimency on him to see what was inside his mind, but somehow, he thought that this might be enough.

~~~

Severus tried to calm the frantic beating of his heart. He had been desperately afraid when the wolf had begun licking his neck, so afraid that, for a moment, he was once more that fifteen-year-old boy in the Shrieking Shack, pissing his pants as the werewolf barrelled down the tunnel towards him. Still, his rational mind told him that it was Lupin, he had to remember, Lupin with his full mental faculties, not the crazed animal. Not anymore.

The wolf's hot breath and warm tongue somehow soothed his mind, yet he shuddered as a sudden understanding flowed through him. He was Lupin's mate. He desperately hoped that the wolf wouldn't harbour any amorous thoughts towards him tonight, but he soon realized that Lupin merely wanted to be near him. Tentatively, Severus reached for the furry head and neck and was surprised at the soft pelt his hand encountered. He petted Lupin gently, marvelling in the touch of the animal next to him and was amused at his insistence for more flesh.

Not so different from the man, really, Severus thought, and he chuckled at the memory.

When the wolf began to lick his exposed flesh, Severus had second thoughts about the amorous intentions, but Lupin concentrated on the task and Severus was eventually lulled by the gentle rasp of the tongue against his flesh. Finally the warm pelt pressed against him, and the soft muzzle rested on his chest. They lay together like that, he and the wolf, and as odd as it might appear on the surface of it, he felt as though he was home. Despite the uncomfortable floor, Severus was slowly lulled to sleep by the wolf's steady breathing.

TBC