Two

A/N: Standard disclaimer applies. Thanks to my Trifecta Beta Team, JaneAverage, charmed310 and snapeophile for the encouragement

~*~

Remus couldn't remember a time when his emotions had swung so violently. Less than an hour earlier he was on the rim of the canyon, standing on his favourite spot and he had felt secure, peaceful, and humble. His world had managed to stop turning upside down, and for one brief moment, time had settled.

Snape's arrival had shattered that moment.

Remus truly didn't know what to make of the emotions that had coursed through his body at the sight of the tall, pale man, whose dark clothing accentuated the sleek lines of his body. The waning light of the sun and the reflected warm tones of the canyon's rocks had cast a favourable light upon Severus' face, making him seem less pale, more human somehow, but he had pushed those thoughts away. Severus Snape was no more human today than he'd been two years prior when he'd destroyed everything that Remus had tried to build, when he'd destroyed Remus' spirit and left him bereft. Now he had allowed Severus Snape into his sanctuary, his respite from the world, both magical and Muggle. Oddly enough, he was unafraid, for he had already been hurt so deeply that there was nothing left of him for Severus to take.

Remus watched as Severus entered his home with sure-footed, graceful steps. He felt a sudden pang, a fleeting image of a time when they were on the same side of the battle, when their relationship had been a carefully guarded secret just between the two of them. He struggled to meet Severus' eyes, unwilling to see the death that lay there, the death of so many, the death of their own relationship, and the death of Remus' hopes for their future.

~~~

Severus stood in the middle of Lupin's small home and realized that although he stood mere feet from him, the distance between them was so great that he might have been sitting on the other side of the great chasm in the earth. This man he once knew so intimately was closed off, lost to him. He was not willing to accept that, however, and tried to think of a way to begin.

'Lupin, how long have you been here?'

He could hear the other man's derisive snort, almost animal-like in quality. 'Why should it matter, Severus? What I do and where I go are of absolutely no concern to you or to anyone else.'

Defensive. Angry. Bitter. Yes, Severus would admit that Lupin had every right to feel as he did, but he didn't know everything. Lupin had never known the real reason for what happened. 'Lupin, you don't understand...'

Severus' words were cut short by the angry roar of the furious werewolf. 'I don't understand? Bollocks! I understand perfectly. You wanted nothing to do with me, you selfish bastard. I was willing to sacrifice everything, everything for you and you just destroyed it.'

Lupin's heaving chest and flaring nostrils betrayed the raw anger within him, and Severus couldn't remember a time when he'd seen the man like this. On that fateful night when they'd argued and Severus had flayed Lupin bare with his words and his self-loathing, Severus had expected anger from the man, had wanted him to be angry, had needed the release that would come from their fighting and their fucking, but Lupin had walked away. He had given up and walked away.

Severus couldn't blame Lupin for his anger; for if he were to be fair, he had been the one to destroy their relationship. He had been under incredible physical and mental stress during the final battle when the Dark Lord was destroyed, enduring several bouts of Cruciatus even as he struggled to keep his alliances straight and his sanity intact.

In retrospect, he had been unwise to engage Lupin in any conversation that night, as emotionally and physically battered as he'd been, but Severus had felt the customary pull, the need to be in his presence. Ultimately they had both paid the price for his weakness.

Over the past two years, he had tried to forget the knowledge of the hurt he'd caused and tried to deny it, but yet here he stood, compelled by the same need that had been his undoing the first time.

He needed to be with Lupin.

~~~

Remus tried desperately to control his anger, but its intensity shook him to his core. His heart thundered in his ears as he struggled to be reasonable.

Reasonable. Now there's a word.

Remus had always been the reasonable one, the steady one, the respectful one. Remus had never entertained flights of fancy or illusions of grandeur. He had spent his life trying desperately to fit in with a world of hatred, and to have the man he loved heap hatred upon him had been entirely too much. Now that very man had the audacity to stand in his home and tell him that he didn't understand!

He noticed that Severus had taken a step backwards as he'd advanced in his anger, and for a moment the wolf stirred within him. He could feel it, the latent power buried deep but still a part of him, and for a fleeting moment he wished that he could transform at will, that he could turn into the animal and sink into the oblivion that came with it. Remus sank onto a chair and held his head in his shaking hands. No, he must not allow himself to be a danger to himself or anyone else, even if that someone else was Severus.

He hated that he couldn't refer to the man as Snape, or 'That Bastard, Snape.' Ever since their days at Hogwarts students, he had called him by his first name, although Severus had never called him anything other than 'Lupin.' Most often it was said with derision or even downright hostility, but in their times together as lovers, Lupin found that his name took on an almost musical and reverent quality on the lips of Severus Snape. Perhaps it was the lips of Severus Snape that had the reverent quality to them – Remus couldn't be sure.

'Lupin, I need to explain.'

Remus closed his eyes and told himself over and over again that he was no longer interested in anything to do with his old life, but if Severus wanted to explain, then he would let him. He would let him speak and then he would dig within himself and try to find the strength to turn him away and send him back to where he could do no more harm.

'Explain then, Severus. Go ahead, explain everything, and then leave me alone.'

~~~

Severus felt his gut wrench at the flat quality of Lupin's voice. Emotionless. Devoid of anger, hate, fear, jealousy, love. Devoid of everything. He shuddered as he fought to find the right words. If Lupin only gave him this one moment to make a difference, then he would have to use it to maximum effect.

'I want to tell you what happened that night.'

Lupin didn't raise his head, nor did his voice change. 'Go on then, tell me.'

Severus once more embraced the magic of the canyon and reached out to the spirits that surrounded the area. Again they answered, warming his skin with a tingling that was unmistakable. 'I was wrong that night. I was angry that I'd been used, both by Dumbledore and by V-Voldemort. I was broken, Lupin, as broken as I'd ever thought I could be, and I needed you then.'

Severus clenched his hands into fists as he struggled to say the words he knew he must and struggled with his own pride to admit that he was less than strong, less than capable, less than whole. He gritted his teeth and forced himself to continue. 'I needed your strength, and I hated myself because I had never needed anyone before, had never been that weak before. I took out that anger on you, the one person who could save me from my own self-loathing, and that was unconscionable.'

Lupin had not moved, but Severus could feel a change in the atmosphere of the small room.

~~~

Remus resigned himself to listening to Severus. Truth be told, it was a habit long ingrained in him. He had always loved the sound of Severus' voice, whether he was reciting potions ingredients or discussing textbooks, songs, or prose, and Remus realized that his mistake had been falling in love with Severus and his voice. He'd known of the danger of carousing with a spy, but desperate times had called for desperate measures and in the way of all soldiers in times of war, they had taken their comforts where they could find them. As unlikely as their pairing had been on the surface, they had fit extremely well together, both intellectually and physically.

Remus had never before felt pleasure like Severus gave him. He had allowed himself to surrender completely to the man and to their acts of passion, and Severus had responded with unexpected tenderness and a level of skill that had sent Remus screaming over the edge of rapture time and time again. Their trysts had left him breathless in every sense of the word, and for much too brief a time, Remus had been happy. They had never spoken of their relationship with any degree of seriousness or with thoughts of a future. They hadn't been sure that there would be a future after the war, and any talk of commitment or of building a life together had been swept under the rug to be aired out someday.

'Someday' would never come, or so Remus had been led to believe, but as he listened to Severus' words and felt the familiar tingling warmth of the canyon's magic as it washed over him, he began to wonder. He realized that Severus was trying to apologise as best he could, which was a difficult proposition for the proud man. While he sounded as though he was trying to keep his temper firmly in check, Remus knew him enough to realize that he was serious.

He felt a distinct shift as the tension of the room changed.

~~~

Severus stood perfectly still as he felt the magic's change and waited for Lupin's response, realising that he had allowed himself to come dangerously close to losing control, and now he was flayed open and rendered almost defenceless by his own admissions, his life once more held in the hands of another. He knew that he was taking a huge risk, but life was rarely without risk, and the benefits far outweighed any dangers. He'd wondered whether Lupin would believe him, and whether any of his words would make a difference. He didn't expect miracles, nor did he expect to be forgiven, ever, but he merely hoped that he could make Lupin see reason, or at least make him listen. Lupin still hadn't looked at him, but he hadn't thrown him out, either. Severus fought against a rising tide of fear and forced himself to breathe deeply, calming his tortured mind and steadying his racing heartbeat as he waited.

The seconds stretched into minutes. Severus wanted to shake the werewolf and force his forgiveness by sheer will alone, but he knew that it would be useless. Remus Lupin possessed an incredible strength of character, and his Gryffindor sensibilities would never react well to being forced.

After what seemed like several lifetimes, Lupin raised his head. His face was expressionless as his brown eyes searched Severus' black ones, and again, Severus had to fight against his instinct to use Legilimency – he felt the magic around him prickle at just the thought – and he waited, meeting Lupin's gaze as steadily as he could.

Finally, Lupin broke their eye contact and walked over to where Severus stood in the middle of the room. As Severus' eyes searched the man before him, still a bit thin even after all these years, Lupin cleared his throat. 'So, what now, Severus? You have found me; you've apologised and assuaged your guilt. What now? What more do you want from me?'

Severus felt tingles run along his spine, and he dared hope for a moment that Lupin might let him speak again before throwing him out. The warmth of the magic around him encouraged him, bolstered him, and urged him to continue. 'I... Lupin, I just want to spend some time with you, make sure you're all right.' Severus' voice dropped again, low and quiet. 'I just want to be with you, if you'll let me.'

~~~

Remus was both surprised by and apprehensive at Severus' words. Were he to allow himself to believe the man again – and he doubted whether he really could – then he would only be opening himself up to further hurt. Everything he had once wanted was now standing in front of him, asking to spend time with him, but Remus could still only think of the pain, the hurt. How could he ever get over that?

'Severus, I just... I don't know. I'm not like you; I can't put everything aside as if it never happened.'

'I'm not asking you to. I'm simply asking you to give me some time.'

Reluctantly, Remus acknowledged the warming tingle of the canyon's magic which had never steered him wrong before. 'I'll think about it, but I need to rest now.' He thought he saw something akin to relief flash across Severus' face, but he chose to dismiss it, as he was tired and his body and mind needed sleep. It suddenly occurred to him that Severus probably didn't have anywhere to stay, and he picked up the neatly folded woven blanket from the back of the couch and placed it on the cushions.

'You can sleep on the couch if you want, Severus, or you can go... wherever you were going to go.'

Remus felt Severus' eyes heavy on him as he turned and walked into his bedroom and softly closed the door. He slept fitfully that night, his thoughts on the dark-haired man who lay on his couch as he tried to convince himself that he didn't care.

He almost succeeded.

~~~

Severus felt a wash of relief at Lupin's words. Although he was not a man who put too much store in 'hope,' the fact that he was still in Lupin's house was a good sign. He watched as Lupin turned and walked into his bedroom, pointedly shutting the door behind him. Severus didn't try to fool himself into thinking that anything was forgiven, but at least he had a chance.

He slept uneasily that night. The couch was uncomfortable, but it wasn't the worst place he'd ever spent a night. What kept him awake were his thoughts of Lupin in the next room and his memories of their times together. Severus had been happy then, as happy as he thought he could be, and although he'd never acknowledged it to Lupin, he'd assumed that the werewolf had felt the same way. Even when he slept, he dreamt of Lupin and himself together, sweat-slicked bodies entwined, flashes of Lupin's face, his hands grasping, his mouth open and moaning in pleasure, muscles straining... but as always, Severus was awakened by Lupin's face, broken, hurt, and inconsolable.

Those images had haunted him almost every day for the past two years. Why should tonight be any different?

TBC