Four

A/N: Standard disclaimer applies. Thanks to my beta team of JaneAverage, charmed310 and snapeophile.

~~

Remus had been grateful when Severus had offered to help with the meal and had, despite his best intentions, enjoyed working together with him on the stew. He had been surprised at Severus' relatively gentle manner and his questions afterward.

Severus would never understand how their final argument had shaken Remus to his core, how Severus' words had shattered the very belief system upon which he'd based their relationship. He'd assumed that Severus wanted him, needed him as much as he'd needed Severus. He'd realized painfully that he'd been wrong.

That part of his healing had been the hardest. His physical wounds had healed quickly enough, aided by the Hopi magic and his own knowledge of poultices and other healing aids. His mental anguish had been slower to overcome, but he'd spent months of quiet contemplation seated on the rocks of the canyon, Disillusioned to avoid prying Muggle eyes, and he had welcomed his solitude.

Now, by his presence alone, Severus had once more shattered Remus' carefully built life, and although a very small part of the lycanthrope wanted the comfort of Severus' arms around him and the smell that was uniquely his, the knowledge that so much had changed in two years was enough to keep his yearnings at bay. Remus knew that Severus wanted to resume some sort of a relationship, but really, was there anything to salvage? After two years, was there anything that they still had in common?

Were he true to himself, Remus knew that there was, at least on his part. Severus had proclaimed his desire to be together, and he seemed sincere. Despite all the years spent as a double agent, where lies and half-truths were daily occurrences, despite all that, shouldn't Remus try to believe Severus and allow him an opportunity to prove himself?

The spirits swirled around him and he realized that he would. Despite his reservations, he knew that he could only truly be healed if he allowed Severus the opportunity to finish what he'd started. Remus steeled himself against the possibility of being hurt again and turned to the dark man on his couch. His heart beat with vulnerability, but he had to know. If Severus only answered one question, let it be this.

'Severus, we both know this isn't about Wolfsbane. I want to know why you've waited until now to find me.'

He saw Severus' jaw clench when the man realized that the pointed question could not be ignored. There would be no dancing around the issue, no silky voice changing the subject. Tonight, Severus Snape would have to explain, and Remus would try to listen.

~~~

Severus was surprised at the directness of Lupin's question, more so because it was delivered with quiet assurance. He sensed fear but couldn't truthfully ascertain whether it was Lupin's or his own.

He considered giving Lupin a version of the truth, but ultimately knew that it would simply put them in a worse position than they were before he arrived. Lupin no longer trusted him, and Severus had to find that trust again. Without it, they would have nothing. His stomach roiled as he gathered his thoughts, and he hoped that by answering Lupin truthfully he could somehow set them free.

'That night, after you left, I Occluded everything. I was angry, and it was better that way. I was in hiding from that night on: only Minerva knew where I was. There was still a price on my head...'

He looked at Lupin to see whether he was paying attention, but he should have known better than to doubt that Lupin wouldn't be attentive. The man was listening, and Severus felt that Lupin wanted to believe him. The warmth of the spirits washed over him, and a gentle tingling on his skin encouraged him to continue.

'One night, a few months after you'd left, I was at a low point. I'd been drinking too much and the images wouldn't go away, couldn't be Occluded any longer. That was a dark period then, in some ways as dark as the path I'd followed before, but this time the only master I served was myself. I travelled far and wide, hoping to escape, but how can a person escape themselves?

'I took out the memory of that night and viewed it in my Pensieve. I shouldn't have; I was still angry, Lupin, the anger and bitterness were still so close to the surface and seeing the memory again really just made it worse. I noticed something that I'd not seen before. As I watched the memory of myself when I stormed into the house, and the torment that was wrapped all around me, I was able to see you, your eyes, your face... differently from my first memory of that night. I realized that you were in pain also, but you'd tried to hide it.'

He noticed that Lupin's eyes flickered slightly as he shifted, but Severus pushed on. The time for truth was at hand and Severus was determined to have everything out in the open, to bare all surfaces of the truth so that it could be examined, analyzed, and proved to be correct.

'I hated reliving the fear and the angry words, hated myself for succumbing to weakness, but I hated myself more for doing unthinkable things, and I pulled away before the memory played itself out. I took back that memory and smashed the Pensieve in a fit of rage.'

Severus took a moment to remember the following morning and his screams of horror when he realized what he'd done. Without the Pensieve he wouldn't be able to properly review the memory, wouldn't be able to figure out exactly what the difference was between what he remembered and what actually occurred. There was no way to simply Transfigure another one – the magic of a Pensieve came from its creation, the objects themselves handed down through generations of wizards. His hands still shook under his robes at the thought of how easily he could have destroyed everything permanently.

'Only after the funerals and all the trials were over was I cleared of the charges. Everything took a long time, and more than a year after the Final Battle, Hogwarts was still in disarray. Minerva called upon me to help and I lost myself in the enormity of the restoration task, busied myself with schedules and teaching. I hid from you, Lupin; I hid from the memory of you... and of us.'

~~~

Remus was shocked into silence by Severus' words. He'd never thought that their parting argument would have mattered to anyone but himself. He sat on the couch beside Severus and looked closely at the darker man, and although Severus' eyes were slightly hooded, Remus could see that there was still more to be said.

'Go on.'

He'd hoped that the answer to his question would have been a quick one, but he'd long since known that the answer, just like the man before him, was layered and intricate and difficult and complex. Still, Severus was willing to explain and Remus could feel the gentle presence of the canyon's magic all around him. He deferred to its greater understanding and opened his mind to Severus' words.

'One day I received a delivery. Dumbledore's Pensieve arrived, carefully wrapped with a note from Harry.'

Remus was genuinely shocked. He remembered that Dumbledore had bequeathed it to Harry and he doubted whether Harry would have known anything or recognised anyone in his condition.

Severus nodded. 'I see that you remember Harry as he was after the battle. It was a terrible thing he went through, but the mind is incredibly resilient. With the aid of the Healers at St Mungo's, the help of his friends and some potions, apart from some memory loss, Harry is virtually himself again. The insufferable boy used Legilimency on me during a particularly inebriated night and realized that I no longer had a Pensieve. Not two days later I received the package from him.'

Severus stood and began pacing across the room. Remus was stunned – not only had Harry survived the days following the war, but he had made an almost total recovery.

'I sat for weeks with the Pensieve on my desk, reluctant and perhaps a little afraid to see what I knew I must. Finally I withdrew the memory and plunged myself into the basin from which so much had been learned with Dumbledore. I was sober that night, eyes open and finally willing to face the event and see the truth.

'You were hurt. I knew that you had been in pain and I had assumed it was from your transformation, but I realized that the full moon wasn't for several days. Your pain was from injuries during the final battle. I didn't know that you were there, Lupin, I never saw you.

'In the Pensieve, your eyes were haunted and I was able to see that the emotional and physical stress had beaten you down further than any full moon ever could. I had since been told that you'd been the one to bring Harry back to Headquarters. You had been with him when he'd killed Voldemort, after I'd gone in search of Lucius and the others. You had refused to be healed until everyone had been seen to. Why, Lupin?'

Remus' blood had run cold as Severus began recounting the events of the final battle, and he hated that it was once again before him, the blood, the death, his feeling of helplessness as a teenaged boy took on the most powerful wizard in centuries.

'I... needed Harry to live, Severus.' Remus was surprised at how difficult that was to admit, both to himself and to Severus, when it shouldn't have been difficult at all. 'He was my last link to...'

He was also surprised at Severus' reaction.

~~~

Severus felt an acute stab of resentment and, dare he say it, jealousy?

'Your last link to what exactly, Lupin? Your youth and your happy teenaged years with your band of brothers? I was there too, in your youth, don't you remember?'

Damn him!

Lupin growled like the animal within him, throwing words back at him like weapons. 'You had disappeared, you said so yourself. I had one thing to do, one person to protect, ONE LIFE to save, Severus, and I'll be damned if you'll make me feel badly about it!'

'I didn't merely disappear, Lupin, I was completing my task. The Death Eaters had to be stopped, and by Merlin's beard, I would be the one to stop them. Do you know how many I killed, Lupin? DO YOU WANT TO KNOW HOW MANY?'

Severus' voice had reached a roar and he had risen to his feet, his hands clenched into fists. He was angry and wanted to strike out, to somehow rid himself of the horror and the guilt and hate and death, and he felt an uncomfortably disturbing sense of his skin crawling. Damn the Canyon and its magic; would it always protect the werewolf over the wizard?

~~~

Severus was even paler than normal and his skin appeared slightly clammy. Remus could see that the man was fighting with something, fighting against something, and he realized belatedly that the canyon must be protecting him from Severus' anger. Remus remembered the times when he'd thought to do himself bodily harm, even to throw himself off a cliff and into the river thousands of feet below. The canyon's magic had fought him then, as much as he'd fought against his life, and the crawling, burning, unwelcome feeling on his skin had been the only deterrent necessary. He hypothesized that Severus was feeling the effects of the canyon's disapproval, and he sighed in resignation.

'No, Severus, I don't want to know.'

~~~

Lupin's voice was quiet and controlled and that very change stopped Severus in his tracks. The Lupin he had known would have tried to calm the angry man, would have coaxed and cajoled him into a less irate state of mind. This Lupin merely stated his position clearly and succinctly and, with effort, Severus pulled himself back from his anger and schooled himself to calm once more. Despite himself, he still wanted to know what Lupin meant about Harry, even though he doubted that he would be pleased with the answer. Taking a deep breath he once more broached the subject.

'Your last link to what, Lupin?'

Skeptical brown eyes met his for a moment before Lupin relented.

'My last link to love, if you must know,' he said softly. 'When you disappeared, I assumed you'd gone to battle against Lucius and whoever else was still around. I-I didn't expect you to return, although in my heart I hoped that you would. Scarred, injured, near death – it didn't matter, as long as you'd return. Time went by, hours passed, and we rounded up the dead and the dying, but Harry... Harry was my last link to his parents. Yes, Severus, to James and Lily who cared for me and loved me for who I was, despite what I was. They were the only people who ever did that.'

Severus felt his gut wrench at those words and felt his heart sink as the full meaning sank in. Lupin thought that Severus had never loved him.

~~~

Remus felt as though a huge weight had been lifted from his heart. The words had been a long time coming, but the actual thought process had only just connected in his mind. Perhaps he had simply needed to voice the thoughts out loud, to say them to just one other person for them to become validated.

He closed his eyes for a moment to savour his freedom from guilt, and he was bathed in the radiance of the canyon's magical flow. He'd felt this before, every time he'd had an epiphany or a moment of self-realization, and he realized that the magic around him adjusted and approved. His sharpened hearing caught Severus' exhalation of breath and he opened his eyes to view the man before him. What he saw shook him to his very core.

Severus stood with his walls down and all his defenses shattered, and for a fleeting moment Remus saw the eleven-year-old boy that Severus had once been. In that one moment Remus understood that his words had hit home, and although he hadn't meant them to sound accusatory, they apparently had been received that way. His heart went out to the shadow of the young boy who even now was disappearing behind the cloak as the walls were carefully reconstructed and the defences fortified once more. Remus felt a pull at his heart as the Potions master materialized before his eyes, closed off and unreachable.

'I don't think I'm very hungry tonight, Lupin. I believe I shall go for a walk.'

Severus' words were clipped and his face inscrutable as he turned and left. Remus wondered whether he'd be back.