8: Three Weddings, No Funerals

Disclaimer: I only own the plot, the Jarvey, and the oh-so-bizarrely cute Kappa. Plus a few other original characters. But the world and the major players all belong to persons and entities far more powerful and better-funded than my humble self.

Chapter 8: Three Weddings, No Funerals

---

"You can't be serious!"

It was a good thing Reggie factored a 'temper tantrum allowance' into the time necessary for them to get to Vegas, get a marriage license, and actually have the ceremony. Even so, she was running out of patience with Snape's reaction.

"Look, would it kill you to act a little happy just once when I save your arse, Prince Snarking?"

Snape assumed a grim parody of a cheerful expression. "Oh, I'm thrilled to death! Ecstatic! Just what I wanted...to start my life with my lovely bride in Squibtown!"

Reg's expressive little body conveyed her utter exasperation by judiciously slouching at various points. "Every time I look at you, I can't help thinking it's an absolute sodding misfortune that smiling sarcastically isn't a more widespread talent."

"Perhaps your new goal could be to go out and teach it to the world. There's no time like the present. I hear they have a certain appreciation for the freakish here in Squibtown," Snape said with an eloquent gesture at the skyline.

As usual, Reggie ignored this unsubtle hint to leave. "I wouldn't call this place the 'S-word' if I was you. As the nickname implies, it's mostly Squibs that run this town, and they sometimes get a little... touchy."

With Hermione not-so-subtly squeezing his elbow, Severus toned down his ire. Slightly. "Surely there must be somewhere else in the world where one can get married on short notice."

"Maybe...but here, I've got connections." She addressed Hermione specifically, deciding that Sir Snark-a-lot was pretty much a lost cause. "One of my godchildren runs this wedding chapel. It's a nice new place, but with lots of traditional features and shite. You know, for folks like you who want to get married in Vegas but don't want a 'Vegas Wedding.'"

"I don't want to get married in Vegas." Snape was still grumbling.

Hermione had a different concern. "Reggie... aren't we sort of exposed, appearing right in the middle of the car park?"

"Nah, there are privacy shields all around here...we can see out, but no one can see in. I squared it all with Mack and Nadine. Besides, secrecy laws are a little... easier in the States. Look, why don't you escort the guests in, then we can get your license? I've got the paperwork all filled out, we just need to present your ID and sign a couple of things to make it legal. There's a twenty-four-hour ghost-staffed window at the Marriage Bureau that can handle it in half an hour, tops." She hoped that the guests would manage to refrain from killing each other during the time it took to secure the license...and, for that matter, during the ceremony. She didn't think she was up to keeping them all distracted and organizing things at the same time.

A tall, thin, pleasantly mousy woman stepped out of the little church-like building and favored them with a welcoming, slightly lopsided smile. "You're the Granger-Snape wedding party, right? Welcome to The Little Rose Covered Chapel. Come on in, make yourselves comfortable."

Reggie sidled up to the woman and whispered, "Hiya Nadine. We've got a live bunch here."

She glanced down at Reggie and winked. "Gotcha, Reg." Reggie grinned back. Nadine would prevent bloodshed while she was out.

Jane sounded cautiously optimistic. "It's lovely...it actually looks like a proper church."

"If only Hermione had picked out a man who actually looked like a proper husband," Alex said.

Reggie prudently 'poofed' Severus and Hermione over to the Marriage Bureau before either of them could respond to that.

---

Hermione wasn't going to let anything bother her today. The wedding chapel was adorable, despite Severus' stated misgivings, and she was perfectly happy to be marrying him, despite her father's stated misgivings. She wouldn't even let the ghost staffing the twenty-four-hour window at the Marriage Bureau dampen her spirits. After all, he probably said 'Good Luck' to every applicant in the same slightly dry, dubious tone of voice.

Nor would she, upon returning to the chapel, be disturbed by Minerva holding hands with the little Frenchman from the strip club. She would not worry as to whether Harry would let go of Luna in time for her to take her place in the procession. She would pretend she had no clue why that more than half the males present avoided looking at Neville, who was doing a decent job of pretending he didn't notice by focusing on Lola and little Alicia. Most of all, she would not find it unduly jarring to watch Professor Flitwick conversing with Narcissa Malfoy in a manner that suspiciously resembled a chatting-up, because it wasn't really. No, Filius was just being his usual gallant self. And Flora and Ginny would convince Draco of that... any minute now.

She wouldn't even worry when she heard Reggie shriek, "What the hell do you mean, the minister can't be here?" Hermione was not going to worry. Reggie had promised her a wedding, and Reggie had always delivered on her promises to date. What she couldn't deliver, she never promised. Though Hermione agreed with Severus' assertion that they should follow the sound of Jarvey screams and find out what, precisely, was amiss.

"I could answer you better if you'd explain what part of that statement you don't understand, first," said a portly wizard with a square face reminiscent of a good-natured bulldog's.

"Don't fuck with me, Mack! You promised me a wedding!" Reggie was growling now.

Oh, that was nice to know. The short-ish man was Mack. He made an interesting contrast with tall and thin Nadine. Still not worrying.

"Reg, it's not up to us. She got sick at the last minute. She's in the emergency room as we speak," Nadine said. Nadine was a very soothing person. Hermione would have to thank her later for slipping Mum that Calming Draught.

"Well, if there isn't a wedding here in about ten minutes, there's going to be another bloody damned emergency." Reggie paced frantically.

Stay calm, Hermione.

"Keep your fur on. I'll make some calls. If I have to, I'll call in a favor with Ed, all right?"

See. Everything was going to be okay. No worries.

Reggie stopped her pacing. "Sorry, Mack. Look, don't go to Ed... I'm supposed to take care of you guys, not the other way around."

"Don't worry about it, Reg. People get on edge about weddings, no reason Fairy God-Jarveys should be immune." Mack's face lit up. "Say, I bet I could get Sully! Sully always jumps at the chance to do a celebrity wedding, and this sorta qualifies. He usually doesn't let anyone book him for this early in the morning. Let me call him."

Reggie got a funny look on her face. "Um, Mack? Has Sully got the right vibe for carrying this off?"

Hermione became just a tiny bit worried.

"Sure, Sully's a class act. I'll ask him to wear the robes variation on his outfit. It'll be really spiffy, trust me."

Little silver paws shuffled back and forth on the carpet. "Uh, well, um..."

Mack seemed oblivious to Reggie's hesitation. "Don't worry, I'll call him. He should have his cell on. This'll be great!"

Hermione leaned down towards Reggie, whispering with a decided edge of worry in her voice, "Who's Sully?"

"Michael O'Sullivan, also known as 'Sully the Squib.' He's certified as a minister, been doing weddings in this town for years, and he's very much in demand. Great guy."

Hermione had the strangest feeling that there was something Reggie wasn't telling her.

"All settled! Sully was so hot to do it, he's gonna take a Portkey over here."

Nadine whistled. "Wow. That's a real honor. Sully won't use magical stuff for just anyone. What'd you do, call in a favor?"

"Nah, just let slip a few names on the guest list and told him Reggie'll be here."

A booming voice suddenly rumbled through the room.

"LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THE KING IS IN THE BUILDING!"

All heads whipped around to the doorway. "SULLY! How the hell are you?" Mack yelled happily.

"Fine, Mack." The man who was apparently Sully smiled at Hermione. "Now, let me guess...this is the lovely bride. No mistaking that glow of happiness," he said, bowing dashingly over her hand. "Not to worry, pretty lady, I'll conduct the ceremony with due reverence. Anyone can see this is a classy operation. I just had to get my signature greeting out of the way."

Hermione couldn't take her eyes off him. From his high, patent leather boots... to his high, patent leather-like pompadour... and all the flaring, shining black robes in between... Sully the Squib was, unquestionably, the single living human being who looked most like Elvis Presley. She was still staring when the man turned to Reggie.

"Hey, lil' Reggie. Wanna hit Margaritaville when this shindig is over?"

"I got to get the kids back home to the reception after this. Is tomorrow good for you? And maybe we could check out that new jazz club...Margaritaville's a little tame."

"Any time's a good time to party with you, Reg. But I got a hankerin' for Floribbean."

"Fair enough."

Severus leaned down to whisper, "Hermione... we are surrounded by people who use 'party' as a verb. This does not strike me as a good omen."

Perhaps it was a delayed stress reaction, or watching Reggie talking to 'Elvis,' or the fact that Severus' words had hit her funny bone exactly right, but Hermione began giggling. She held her husband-to-be, trying to stifle her laughter in the front of his robes. "Please, love...we're here, everything's in place, and there isn't a reporter in sight. And I'd rather fillet flobberworms than go back to the way things were going to be."

"Well, the stupid stoat got one thing right...this is not your parents' wedding." Hermione didn't need to look up. By his resigned tone, she knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that Severus was rolling his eyes.

"Reggie was right about something else as well: it's going to be completely unforgettable," she gasped out between giggles.

Severus muttered under his breath, "Yes, no matter how hard we might try."

---

"Thanks for showing up, Sully. It's fucking early in the morning for normal people, much less for you," Reggie said. She felt a little bad for doubting Sully earlier.

"Mama's in town, so I turned in early last night. It wasn't that big a deal." Sully peered out at the assembled guests from the partially open office door. "Which one's Harry Potter?"

"Guy with the messy hair who won't let go of the little blonde bridesmaid. They're getting married right after this, back in Britain," Reggie whispered.

"Not a minute too soon, either," Sully said.

"What? What do you know about..." Reggie trailed off, at a loss as to how Sully had figured things out.

"Gimme a break, Reg. I do weddings. In Vegas. After a while, you know."

"Right," Reggie said with a sigh. "Keep it quiet though, would you?"

"No problemo. What happens in Vegas..." he trailed off with a shrug.

"Thanks, Sully."

"Y'know, Reggie, lil' buddy... normally, I make a joke to start off the ceremony on a lighter note."

"You mean, the one where you say, 'Glad y'all could make it here today... The enemies of the bride on this side, enemies of the groom on that side'?" Reggie asked.

Sully nodded. "That's the one. It wouldn't be a joke here, would it?"

"Nope."

"Think I'll skip it, then."

"Good move," Reggie said approvingly. She turned herself invisible and scampered out just in time to discreetly trail after Hermione as Alexander walked her down the aisle. She couldn't use Fairy Good Will Punch to prevent a battle of the sarcastic bastards, but she could at least temporarily silence the old man so that the ceremony could continue. Snarkypants had to be able to talk, but Fairy God-Jarveys can't have everything, either.

"Dearly beloved, Severus and Hermione thank you very much for gathering here today to celebrate the beginning of their life together."

Reggie had to admit, Sully was toning it down. If Hermione was still fighting attacks of the giggles, it must be nerves. Mack was right; Sully really was a classy guy. At least, he had a definite sense of style and all the right motives.

"Love is a little like rhythm. Rhythm is something you either have or don't have, but when you have it you have it all over. It's the same with love...if a couple is in love, you can see it all over them, just like with these two," Sully said. Reggie deferred the urge to tell him how brilliant that was until after the ceremony.

Hmm... speaking of the ceremony... she'd better check to make sure blondie had the rings. She scampered silently around Sully over to where Severus and Draco were standing and started twitching her whiskers in search of the aura of wedding bands. It was hard to focus on the rings, though... the pointy little prat was generating pheromones like mad, and it was messing with her senses. Damn, he actually smelled pretty good, sort of clean and...ferrety? Reggie shook her head to clear it. This wasn't answering the question, though judging by the whiff of scent she'd caught from the little Weasley brujita, she could guess who his pheromones were for. Someone with more time on their paws than Reggie needed to get those two together so that they could mate already and quit stinking up the joint.

Fucking hell! Sully was almost to the vows by the sound of things, and Reggie hadn't smelled any wedding rings. She 'poofed' back to the office and sniffed around desperately. No rings there, either. Summoning all her energy, she 'poofed' all the way back to Severus' house and tore around, sniffing wildly. No rings there, either, and the relatively later hour back in England as compared to Nevada set her mouth spouting profanity and her fur standing on end with alarmed urgency.

She 'poofed' to the original wedding site, where Motoyoshi was quietly babysitting Rita-in-a-jar. "Moto, babe, we've got a serious shite-tastrophe on our hands! Ferret-boy doesn't have the wedding rings, and it's almost time for that part of the ceremony!"

"Of course he doesn't have them. I have them, Reggie-san. You told me to keep them safe..."

"Why the fuck didn't you say so? C'mon!" She grabbed him by the edge of his turtle-like shell and 'poofed' them to Vegas, bug in a jar and all. She realized the instant they arrived that Moto was still visible, and quickly rectified that. The only minor disruption to the ceremony ended up being Draco's slight squawk of surprise when he felt something being shoved into his pocket.

---

Almost everyone's eyes were on Severus, Hermione, and the difficult-to-look-away-from spectacle of Sully the Squib. Only one pair of bright little eyes caught an anomaly appear and disappear almost instantly off to one side.

"Papa," little Alicia whispered, "I taw a Kappa."

Lola shushed her, admonishing her for letting her imagination run away.

Neville pulled his daughter close. "It's okay, mija. I think I saw one, too." He didn't bother to say that he hadn't seen one just now. Besides... considering Neville's experience of the prior week, it wouldn't surprise him in the least to see a Kappa show up in the most unexpected of places.

---

All things considered, Reggie thought it came off brilliantly. Even if at least one wedding photo ended up showing Draco glancing around in a comical degree of alarm, Snape glaring at him, Hermione giggling, Flora winking at someone in the pews, Ginny giving Luna what she thought was a surreptitious shake to bring her back to the here-and-now, and Sully, caught with eyes closed and mouth open, looking as if he were about to start belting out 'It's Now or Never' at any second.

She scurried out of the chapel behind Hermione and an uncharacteristically smiling (not sarcastically, for a change) Severus. There wouldn't be much rice-throwing or standing around taking photographs...as soon as Draco and Ginny signed off as witnesses, they all had to Portkey back to Britain and do this all over again with Harry and Luna and Remus and Tonks. Moto had already 'poofed' back to settle Rita. "Psst...hey, mijos...what do you want for your blessing?"

"Blessing?" Severus asked, trying not to look down.

"Yeah. As your Fairy God-Jarvey, I give you a blessing as you start out on your married life. So, what's it gonna be?"

Hermione sounded distracted, to say the least. "This sounds important... can we discuss this and get back to you during the reception?"

"Well, at the ceremony is more traditional, but sure. Why the hell not," Reggie said, giving a little shrug.

She wasn't sure if Hermione had heard her, though, as a booming voice roared through the chapel doors, drowning out all other conversation and even the early morning traffic sounds.

"MR. AND MRS. SNAPE HAVE LEFT THE BUILDING!"

---

Rita Skeeter awoke in a cold, bright place. Oh, no... glass jar again. This couldn't mean anything good.

"I am very sad to learn of your transgressions, Miss Skeeter. You could have been using your bug nature for good, not evil. Now you will have to suffer the consequences."

That voice! I've heard that voice before!

"It truly pains me to do this, but you must be punished."

No! Have mercy!

"Have you found a place for her?"

A different voice now. "Oh, we have a perfect vantage point for her. Nothing to do there except stay out of everyone's way and watch."

I'm sorry for everything! Please, don't I get a second chance or something?

"All right. I will leave her in your hands for the appropriate punishment." The Voice loomed closer, but remained a voice without a discernable body. "You will be kept in this place of confinement until you are no longer a threat to these good people. It's really for everyone's good."

The world was bouncing now; strange lights and patterns of shadow were everywhere. The Voice was gone, but a cacophony of other voices surged around her until she felt a jostling, upward motion and heat.

"Think that's too close to the lamp?"

"Nah. The Stasis Charm should keep conditions inside the jar from changing too much, as well as keeping her alive for the month or so necessary. Then, you may free her as instructed."

Only a month? At least this wasn't eternal torment.

Rita comforted herself with that thought until she heard music swell and saw a distorted image of people moving into the hall. Eventually, the music took on the character of a processional and two figures separated out from the crowd. It was... a wedding. And the bride and groom were...

At that moment, Rita Skeeter knew for certain that she was, in fact, in Hell.

---

Severus was content to slide into a seat at the back of the hall, appreciating the fact that Hermione indulged him in that regard though he'd been less than gracious about indulging her desire to attend the reception. He wouldn't have agreed to it if being married hadn't given him a sort of pleasant, light feeling, almost like the symptoms of that substance with which the Kappa had spiked his drink. He hoped it wasn't permanent. The feeling, that is...he was fairly sanguine about the marriage, even if it meant attending a reception replete with his wife's annoying friends.

Which reminded him, he still had Draco's flask, which contained a sample of the Kappa's stuff. He'd have to analyze it one of these days.

A sniffling sound from beside him snapped his attention back to the present. Severus turned, and felt a twist of anxiety at the sight of the tears in Hermione's eyes.

"You aren't regretting any of this...giving up the wedding?" he asked. It wasn't the first time he'd smoothed over his own trepidation with the silkiness of his voice.

"Not for a moment. It's just that Luna is so beautiful. It's all so beautiful." She leaned against him and whispered into the lapels of his robe, "I love you."

"I love you, too." He watched as the two at the altar exchanged rings. "It is beautiful, after a fashion," he admitted. "But it never was ours." He leaned in close to murmur softly against her hair, "And no one has a more beautiful bride than I do."

---

Reggie decided that her duty to keep the guests off each other's throats officially ended when the ink dried on Severus' and Hermione's marriage certificate. Still, it wouldn't hurt to monitor potentially volatile situations. In the worst case scenario, she could 'poof' her charges away from the party to their hotel room to start the honeymoon a little early.

But when she saw Percy and Penelope approach Arthur and Molly, she crossed her paws. She hoped that things wouldn't blow up so badly that she would need to exercise that option before Severus and Hermione had a chance to enjoy the shared reception.

"I know I wasn't invited, and I'm not going to keep you from the start of the reception. There had to be a representative from my department here, and I thought it would be best if it were someone whose discretion was ensured," Percy began, striking the wrong (slightly officious) note. But really, he probably couldn't help it.

Arthur leveled a stiff-lipped glare at Percy, while Molly sniffed and looked caught between miserable and angry.

"Ah... right. What I meant to say is, I'm really, truly sorry. I know I can't apologize enough, and that none of the things I did near the end..." he trailed off with a vague gesture encompassing the entire recent war, "could make up for the prat I was at the beginning. But, well, Penny and I wanted to renew our wedding vows on our anniversary next month... and if you could forgive me, we'd really love to have the ceremony at the Burrow."

A moment of silence fell between them, unnoticed by the crowd around the three pairs of newlyweds. Penny pulled Percy's arm more firmly around her waist, clasping it meaningfully to her stomach. Percy cleared his throat. "You see, I really want to make things right...because we want our children to grow up knowing their grandparents." He crossed his other hand over what was now obviously a slight swelling under Penelope's midnight blue robes.

Molly was on them both in a flash, crying and kissing them and carrying on and generally being very much herself. Father and son looked at each other over her head.

"I'm sorry it took me so long, Dad. I finally get it now," Percy said, looking at Penelope with an expression of hope and trepidation with which Arthur was familiar half a dozen times over.

"Better late than never, son," he replied, and joined the crush. "Come with us to the reception. As Tonks keeps saying...at the top of her lungs...the more the merrier."

Penelope giggled. "I think she was saying 'marry-er,' but then, I think she's a bit... excited right now."

---

There were two watchers in the shadows who were not terribly impressed with Percy's apology.

"The nerve of him, to think he can just stroll right back into our lives with a 'sorry' like that," Fred said with a scowl.

"Absolutely. Let's see if we have any of that Fairy magic left. He needs to pay a rather higher price before he gets back into everyone's good graces."

Suddenly, the twins found themselves bound tightly back to back and hanging most awkwardly from the ceiling.

"Oh... did I forget to mention... you gave me complete control over you when you allowed me to change your names for the duration of this mission?" Reggie grinned at the twins, rows of pearly little spikes glittering in her pointy little face. "So, lads, until you promise to behave yourselves, it's batsville for you."

"Damn it, Reggie, you don't know how much Mum cried over him and what he did!"

"Hmph. Was it anything like how much she cried over you two quitting school?" she asked knowingly. "Uh-uh. Forgive and forget, that's how things work in Fairy God-Jarvey land. Besides, you'll have a new niece or nephew soon. You wouldn't want to get thrown out of the little bugger's life before you had the chance to teach the kid what's what."

George was going to protest when Reggie's meaning suddenly hit him. "Hmm... there is that. Fred, I'm thinking that the unfortunate offspring of our brother is going to need the right sort of influence in order to grow up to be anything other than a right git."

As usual, where one twin's thinking led, the other's was sure to follow. "I hate to admit it, but she seems to have a point. Shall we go welcome our pillock of a brother back into the family?"

"Absolutely. And keep a parchment and quill handy. We need to make notes as soon as we have inspirations for suitable future birthday presents."

Reggie let them down. To her credit, she did so slowly...for the most part. "That's the spirit. And feel free to let loose at the party, wankers...so long as no one gets hurt."

Fred gave her a hurt look. "As if we'd do anything less."

---

"You know, I think everything besides the actual wedding is rather wasted on them," Remus joked, gesturing at Harry and Luna. They appeared to have been locked together at the lips since the end of the ceremony, with little indication that they intended to take in what was going on at the party (or even come up for air).

"Good grief. Someone check those two for a kissing jinx, or something," Draco remarked, looking completely nonplussed.

"Maybe the champagne was spiked with Gillyweed," Ginny giggled.

Severus very pointedly addressed them in full 'dryly snarky professor' voice. "When the officiant said, 'You may kiss the bride,' he didn't mean for it to continue through to the honeymoon."

Obviously, Luna, at least, was listening. Without missing a beat of the kiss, she disengaged one hand from the back of Harry's head and made an uncharacteristically rude hand gesture in the general direction of Snape's voice. Colin, ever the alert chronicler of the events of 'The Life of Harry,' captured the moment for posterity from a most encompassing angle. The resulting photo became a perennial favorite in the Potter wedding album.

---

Severus noticed Narcissa talking to Molly Weasley and edged closer to the pair, wondering if he should get his wand out, just in case. Short of tossing his Hermione into the ring, Severus couldn't think of a more potentially volatile combination of witches. Any second now, something about Draco and Ginny's business relationship, to say nothing of the assault at the rehearsal, might come up.

"So... why has your Fred shown up without his lady?" Narcissa asked.

"Why, I don't believe Fred is seeing anyone right now."

"Of course he is. This is the part of the evening when all the unattached males in the room are sufficiently well fueled with liquid courage that they begin showing off for the females. Fred has been conspicuous in his total absence of all such displays. So, I am left to wonder... where is his lady this evening?"

Molly's jaw worked open and closed a few times as she processed this. Then, without so much as a 'good evening' to Narcissa, she stormed off towards the twin in question. "FRED! Fred Weasley, why haven't you brought your girlfriend over for dinner? It's Angelina, isn't it? Fred? Stop avoiding me!"

As Molly headed off on the warpath, Severus glided up with a replacement for Narcissa's empty glass. "Cissy, are you ever going to stop manipulating people for your own amusement?" Severus phrased it as a question, but his tone indicated it was by and large rhetorical.

Narcissa accepted the fresh drink he offered and sipped delicately. "I only told her the truth. But I admit, the fact that the results are amusing is an added benefit."

Snape was about to respond to that when an annoyingly familiar whisper crept up from somewhere around his ankles.

"Oi... Sev! You and your lady figured out what you want for your blessing yet?"

Snape grimaced. "This is not a good time," he muttered stiffly, subtly nudging Narcissa away from Reggie.

Reggie pulled a face at him, and he could have sworn he heard something about 'all he needs is the fucking ventriloquist's dummy' as he walked away.

---

"Hermione...Hermione! Hang on, Mija! Where the hell's the fire?"

Hermione never slowed down. "Just a minute, Reggie. It looks like Ron is tormenting poor Flora again, and I have to rescue her."

Reggie kept up, though it was an effort to scamper and talk at the same time. Maybe she shouldn't have had that extra helping of cake. "What the fuck? Who died and left you in charge of him? Besides, she doesn't look upset."

Hermione slowed down enough to explain. "You don't know Flora. She's one of my best friends...a very shy, sweet, quiet person who would never hurt anyone's feelings. She'd probably rather work triple shifts in the spell damage ward than hear one more Quidditch story. Ron is a nice guy, but he's younger than she is and terribly immature by comparison. To make matters worse, he's had his share from the bar by now, and even Trelawney could predict he's about to say something stupid. I'd hate to have them feeling awkward around each other for the foreseeable future." Then, she picked the pace right back up and barreled into the middle of Ron and Flora's conversation.

"Ron, could you run along and give us a minute?" Hermione asked. Her voice had a bit of an edge to it.

Ron, not looking nearly as drunk as Hermione had supposed, blinked at her in surprise. "All right." He looked at Flora as if for approval and asked, "So, meet me on the dance floor when you're done?"

"I'd love to." Flora's face lit up with one of her best smiles, which was saying quite a lot. Flora was rather ordinary-pretty, but it was quite possible to fall in love at first sight with one of her smiles.

"Right then. Congratulations, Hermione...whatever makes you happy, and all." Ron softened his doubting shrug with a grin and headed off to give them the requested space.

"Hermione..." Flora trailed off, looking quizzical and a little worried.

"I'm really sorry, Flora. I mean, it's not as if I'm responsible for Ron, but..."

"Hermione!" Now she no longer looked worried. If anything, she seemed a bit annoyed...unusual for Flora.

"I wish he wouldn't just march up to people and start abusing them with blow-by-blow descriptions of the latest from the Cannons." Hermione continued her apology, rolling her eyes in exasperation.

"HERMIONE!" Flora finally yelled, completely out of character for her, and yanked up the skirt of her formal robe...to reveal a bright orange garter charmed to blink, "I've got Ronald Weasley...find your own Keeper."

In response to Hermione's shocked expression, Flora shook her head and explained, in her gentlest voice reserved for injured children and spell damage patients, "Hermione, it's time you knew. I love Quidditch. I love the Cannons. And most of all, I love Ron. So... if you don't mind?"

Flora dropped the skirt and gave Hermione a quick hug before hurrying off to where Ron (whom she evidently actually preferred as some sort of lanky knight in orange Quidditch robes than in his current presentable state) was waiting to take her on another awkward yet enthusiastic 'flight' around the dance floor.

Reggie all but pulled on the skirt of Hermione's robes in an attempt to get her attention. "Mija, have you and that hombron of yours given any more thought to what you want for your blessing?"

Hermione tried to snap herself out of her daze. "Hmm... yeah... we need to discuss that." She wandered off to look for Severus, still apparently rather out of it.

Reggie shook her head. "This is getting ridiculous."

---

"Minerva, who is that?" Severus asked, looking between Minerva and the little man at the bar with an expression bordering on utter bewilderment.

"His name is Etienne, and he's my escort for the evening," Minerva replied.

"Escort?"

"My date, if you prefer, lad. Gentleman friend, lo..."

"Yes, I think I have the picture now," Severus interrupted hastily, trying to block the mental images. Internally, he berated himself for allowing the clichéd thought that Minerva was sporting a 'cat who got the cream' expression to cross his mind. "When... how?"

"You could try asking your wife. She was at the club when we met." Minerva did not elaborate, as her pint-sized 'gentleman friend' took possession of her arm with a jealous expression and steered her well clear of Severus.

Snape had a feeling he really had to ask Hermione about the Thursday before last.

---

"This is my cousin Stella and her daughters Thuban and Sheliak," Luna said, introducing... her mirror images... in brunette, and in three different sizes. He assumed Thuban, the taller of the two children, was older. The small one, Sheliak, seemed to be of an age where the random emission of bodily fluids was still a possibility, so he eyed her with extreme wariness.

"You know, you're really tall," Thuban said to Severus by way of greeting.

"Hmm," was all Sheliak said. Then she sat down on his feet.

"Oh, good, she likes you. Thuban, stay to translate while I get you and Sheliak some punch," Stella said. Snape was pretty sure that she intended for Luna to stay as well, but Luna wandered off shortly thereafter, leaving him at a distinct loss. Hadn't his karma involving looking after other people's children run its course for his lifetime? He didn't think kicking one of the bride's small cousins across the room was exactly good etiquette, but he couldn't let the little monster just sit there on his shoe. He gave his foot a shake to dislodge her.

"Not a good idea," Thuban warned...too late.

Sheliak evidently thought this was a game. "Whee!" she exclaimed as she tipped over. To Snape's horror, she got back up, laughing, and resumed her seat...this time wrapping her arms around his leg tightly, just below his knee.

"Move." He used his most intimidating low voice, trying not to call attention to the fact that there was a giggling toddler clinging to his leg. The glare he directed at her was somewhat of a failure, though, as he kept glancing around to see if anyone had noticed the situation.

Sheliak smiled benevolently at him. She gave a little bounce as if to encourage him to move his foot again.

Snape tried ratcheting up the ferocity of his scowl. Sheliak decided this was a weird face contest and scrunched up her own little face. Thuban looked on with great interest. "I mean it. Children find me frightening."

"Really?" Thuban asked. She studied him critically, as if trying to determine how so. He recalled that Miss Lovegood had never seemed intimidated by him, either, and concluded that mad people were very annoying that way.

"Buttons!" Sheliak exclaimed, beaming happily as she pointed.

Reggie sauntered along just then. "Hey, hombron...enjoying the ankle biters? Cute little buggers, ain't they?"

Offhand, Snape couldn't recall the Jarvey ever having said anything quite as inane as that, which was saying something. "I don't suppose it would be acceptable to employ a little 'Evanesco'?" he asked, not at all ironically.

"Funny."

"Kitty!" Sheliak screeched happily, waving at Reggie.

"I think that's a Jarvey," Thuban corrected her sister.

"Kitty," Sheliak said stubbornly.

"Oi, you're a smart one, mija...how do we detach your sister from tall, dark, and grumpy?" Reggie asked. Snape was pleasantly surprised, though rather annoyed that he hadn't thought to ask the other half of the set.

"Usually, she'll drop off when she gets tired," Thuban said. With great interest, she asked Reggie, "Do you know any rude words?"

"Does a Centaur sh..."

"Reggie!" Severus interrupted, scandalized. "What do you think you're doing?"

"Answering the little blighter's question. Don't know what's got up your nose...you wanted to make 'em disappear!"

Snape contemplated sending his Patronus to fetch Hermione, since he had serious doubts that the Jarvey would consent to being so useful. Fortunately, he caught sight of his bride just then, and she was within speaking rather than unseemly yelling distance.

"Hermione...we have something to discuss."

"What is it, love...oh, hello. What's your name?" she asked, looking back and forth between Thuban and Sheliak in amusement.

"I'm Thuban. That's my sister Sheliak. Are you two married?"

"Yes, just today."

"Isn't he a little old for you?" Thuban asked innocently.

While Severus fumed silently and Hermione gaped, Reggie tried to get their attention. "Listen, you two, the reception's almost over and I haven't given you your blessing yet. Any preferences?"

"As soon as I find out what Severus wanted," Hermione said, putting it off again.

"I should think it was obvious," he said, giving his foot a shake and causing Sheliak to squeal happily again.

"Listen, kids, if you don't pick soon, I'm going to choose something at random, from the next words you say," Reggie declared, her tone carrying a clear warning.

Paying Reggie no mind in her enjoyment of Severus' predicament, Hermione smiled. "Really, love? Perhaps I'm a little fuzzy after a drink or three. You'll have to enlighten me."

"First word: Three. Speak now, or get whatever comes out of Snarky's gob," Reggie said. Moto wandered by, looking quizzically between the five of them.

Severus, his limited patience at its end, was unamused. "Shall I spell it out? Remove these children from my presence!"

"Children! Okay, great...three happy, healthy little brainiacs. Moto, let's do it!"

"Hai, Reggie-san!"

Moto raised his scaly hands, and Reggie raised her paws. Severus shivered at the curious feeling that overcame him, something not quite like magic. By the look of her, Hermione had felt the same sensation...and if she was anything to go by, they both had acquired a faint, silvery glow.

Sheliak yelped in alarm at her horsey suddenly changing color and scrambled to the safety of her big sister. Stella wandered back, thanked the happy couple (in blissful ignorance of the little drama that had ensued in her absence), and wandered off to be introduced to someone else. Or, just as plausibly with that family, to search for Nargles.

"Finally." Severus sighed with relief. He noticed Reggie and Moto. "Well, at least you two did something useful for a change. Now that the urchin is off me, what is it that you wanted to ask? Something about a blessing?"

"That ship has sailed, amigo. And, for future reference... you might want to pay attention when you're offered a Fairy Blessing, and ask for something you've considered carefully," Reggie said, sounding a bit miffed. She and Moto wandered off, leaving Severus and Hermione to wonder exactly how they'd just been blessed.

---

"If Luna follows the pattern in her family, she'll be a perfect mother. Stella really gives the children her all, even when she seems a bit distracted."

Hermione noticed with some amusement that Harry had temporarily relinquished his hold on Luna. In her absence, he had to settle for talking about her, with Ron and Flora as his captive audience. They were making the best of it, nursing their drinks and waiting for the chance to escape.

"Harry, aren't you worried about the, um, rushed circumstances getting out?" Ron asked hesitantly.

"I couldn't care less. I'm going to have it, Ron...I'm finally going to have a family. All my own." With happiness beaming from his face, he looked like a little kid who had just learned he's getting a puppy for Christmas.

"Oh, by all that's good and holy, we're saved. Now he can finally quit mothering us," Ginny said in ill-disguised relief as she snuck past the little tableau.

"This is Harry we're talking about, Ginny...don't bet on it," Hermione warned her.

"You're right. After all, you and Harry are like brother and sister. Once Harry decides you and Snape are for keeps, he'll probably adopt him, too. As if there were ever more unlikely brothers-in-law," Ginny said, entirely too seriously.

Hermione blanched. "For heaven's sake, don't say that where Severus can hear you!"

---

"Draco, my precious..."

Draco tried not to flinch and succeeded. Mostly. "Mother, I do wish you would stop calling me pet names in public."

"Well, dearest, it's my duty, really. At least until you find an appropriate young witch to take over that particular job," she said, favoring him with her most affectionate smile.

"I hope you're not trying to play matchmaker," he said. Without realizing it, his eyes flickered across the room to where Ginny was talking to Gra...oh, right, couldn't very well call her that anymore...Hermione. Life had just gotten that much stranger.

"Now, I don't believe I'm the one considering playing at the moment. You needn't feign on my account, dearest. I saw where you were looking, and that is not your wand in your pocket."

"Mother!" Draco yelped, absolutely scandalized.

Narcissa shook her head, a practiced expression of long-suffering firmly in place. "I was talking about the Portkey, darling, which is yet further evidence that I am quite correct in assuming your intentions toward the young lady involve something other than business alone. Now, do show some common sense and run along. I know the possibility seems remote at the moment, given that most of the unattached young male wizards in the room are related to her, but a prize like her is going to be claimed sooner rather than later. I should so hate for you to miss your chance."

Draco knew he was gaping at his mother like a fish out of water, but couldn't quite help himself. Finally, he said, "Right, Mother," and set about implementing his plan. He only hoped that knowing that his mother knew about it wouldn't make things impossibly awkward.

---

"Severus! Don't eat that!"

Snape stopped, glancing warily between his wife and the pastry in his hand. "Don't tell me. I feel certain I can guess." He closed his eyes and made a fluttery hand gesture that was actually quite an amusing parody of Trelawney's mannerisms. "Yes, I see it now... the Weasley twins spiked...everything."

"Not quite everything, but a significant random sampling. Sorry, love."

He sighed, contemplating the delectable looking Napoleon. He really liked them, and seldom had the pleasure of eating one drizzled with truly dark chocolate. Stupid twins. "Dare I ask with what?" If it wasn't too heinous, perhaps he'd save it for later...when he could experience the effects without public embarrassment.

"Ohhhhh, my love,

My darling,

I've hungered for your touch..."

Snape cringed at the off-key warble. Hermione gestured helplessly at Remus, who was serenading Tonks in the middle of the room, much to the extreme social and aural discomfort of anyone within hearing distance.

"Karaoke Kreme. They've managed to slip it into numerous sweets in the room, and even mixed some into the punch, though that doesn't seem to have taken," Hermione said, her grimace more than adequately expressing her opinion on the twins' latest masterpiece. As they edged towards the exit, she asked, "Did you hear where Harry and Luna are going on their honeymoon?"

"I'm guessing it would have to be on the moon, if they're to have any hope of privacy."

"Actually, Motoyoshi fixed them up in a traditional wizarding inn at some Japanese hot spring. It has a thousand-year record of utter and complete discretion; it's secret-kept, and you can't even find out about it unless a relative of the founding family refers you."

"Well, it should be relaxing, if a bit dull. Lupin was going on and on about somewhere in the Caribbean. It sounds tacky, touristy, and utterly...them."

Hermione winced as Remus hit...or rather, tried to hit...a high note. "Speaking of honeymoons, I think it's high time we headed out on ours, don't you think?"

"It pleases me to no end that we're on the same page in this regard," Severus said gratefully, taking her arm with as much alacrity as he had on their first date and hurrying out the door... narrowly escaping Remus' attempt at the big finish of 'Unchained Melody' and before Molly could convince Arthur to be the next to try one of the pastries of doom.

---

"Ginny, hold on."

Ginny was interrupted in mid-exit. Considering who had interrupted her, and the fact that she was fleeing from her parents (who were embarking upon a very embarrassing musical number courtesy of Fred and George's awful sweets), she felt perfectly justified in turning her coldest, most businesslike tone of voice on him.

"You needed something, Mr. Malfoy?"

Draco huffed at her in frustration. "Isn't it enough that you tried to break my jaw? Are you going to try to freeze me to death as well?"

Ginny returned his frustration wholeheartedly. "Look, if there's anything we need to discuss, can we take it out of the room? I don't need to hear any more of that," she said, gesturing at her parents.

"No arguments," Draco said with a shudder, and they hurried out into the corridor where the stage for their latest round of tension had been set.

"So, have we any business to discuss, Mr. Malfoy?"

"You know, I think I liked it better when you were calling me 'ferret-boy.' At least you said it with affection," he said tiredly. "You've been Malfoy-ing me to death at the office, and now you're doing it here as well. We've had our tongues in each other's mouths. I think it would be all right for you to call me Draco."

"Bloody hell. I knew this would happen, that the least bit of physicality between us would be a complete and utter disaster for our business relationship!"

"Look, I'm...I'm actually sorry about that. Not about the kiss... that was brilliant. I'm sorry about saying something so stupid afterwards. I wasn't thinking." His apologetic overtones changed to something resembling the charm he normally reserved for business contacts. "I have to say, you rather destroyed my reasoning abilities for that moment."

"Say that in a real way...not the way you talk when you're trying to sell something...and I might be tempted to believe you."

Draco had the faintest trace of a desperate look in his eye, yet his voice was remarkably calm and polished. It reminded her forcefully of the night they decided to go into business together. "I may not have been thinking then, but I certainly have been since. You might have noticed I was a little late returning from Squibtown."

Ginny had noticed, but had no idea what it could have meant. She elected to simply nod and wait for his explanation, to see if he would dig his way out or simply bury himself deeper.

"I asked the proprietors of the chapel what they considered the most romantic hotel around there... the place they would take someone they wanted to impress." He fixed her with a stare that wasn't open to interpretation. As he had at least twice before, he laid all his cards on the table...this time, in the form of two objects. One was apparently a Portkey; the other was a key for a hotel room, and the logo on it suggested a certain level of luxury. "I want to go back there. And I have no intention of going alone."

Ginny had to admit that there was something unbelievably appealing about Draco when he was being honest. Maybe it was the novelty of it. "Why, Mr. Malfoy, I do believe you are attempting to seduce me." Her fingers brushed his as she took the room key, electrifying him, challenging him. She studied it thoughtfully. "I wonder what makes you think it's that easy, knowing me as you do."

It would all come down to his next words, and Draco knew it. This was not a time for his brain to disconnect, even slightly. "There's nothing easy about it except the logic, Ms. Weasley. As you have so often reminded me, we are equal partners in our business," he said. You can do this, Draco. Malfoys are not only born with a silver spoon in their mouths, but a tongue to match. "And since you have already thoroughly seduced me, I must, of course, return the favor."

There was no doubt about it, now. Her brown eyes were sparkling with desire. Her lips began to pull into a smile. "Is that all there is to it, Mr. Malfoy? A bit of quid pro quo? Because I must warn you, if we enter into this sort of agreement, I will not be content with an equal share. I must insist on having all of you."

"Miss Weasley, as long as you are prepared to offer the same in return, I would say that we have reached an accord," he said, stepping in closer. As they leaned towards one another in anticipation of a kiss, he whispered, "You drive a hard bargain, Ginevra."

"I'm hoping you do as well, Draco," she whispered sensuously in reply. They activated the Portkey at some point in mid-kiss, and came up for air in a little alcove of the hotel's impressive lobby, obviously a place meant to hide guests traveling by Portkey from Muggle clientele. They hurried to the lift and made a point of finding their room quickly.

Needless to say, negotiations concluded successfully. Both parties agreed that it constituted an accord in satisfaction.

---

Author's Notes:

Thanks to the 'About: Quotations' website for giving me an idea of how to flavor Sully's speech with Elvis-like turns of phrase.

Thanks a million to Broomclosetravenclaw, who reminded me that there is much potential for wordplay, given the alternate meanings of the term 'Keeper' in the Potterverse and in real life.

I do hope you will forgive the legalese banter between Draco and Ginny. Let's face it...some guys just bring out the business in women. And no, I don't expect you to forgive that particular joke. Even if I did steal it (in a somewhat altered form) from Groucho Marx.

If you know of anyone who uses legal terminology as a euphemism for sex (I knew I had to turn 'accord in satisfaction' into innuendo from the moment I first heard it) please get them professional help as soon as possible. Otherwise they could end up like me.

And thanks once more to Tempest of Dreams, who, unlike Rita Skeeter, actually seems to enjoy being kidnapped by a Jarvey, a Kappa, and a cast of what feels like thousands (in certain chapters). It probably helps that they (and I) actually like her and aren't keeping her in a jar.

Up next (and next to last...yup, it's almost over, amigos!): The honeymoon... and what happens to uninvited guests. Or would-be guests. And other people we don't really like.